Season 6, Episode 2, “The Long Goodbye”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Joey and the new ugly babies are playing with bubbles and then the O.G. ugly baby, Michelle, comes up and says that she’s too old for bubbles now.  Joey shoots her in the face with a bubble gun until she decides that bubbles are fun again and then they all have a bubble party.

Damn, there’s hella fuckin people in the full house these days.  This episode opens with them all together in the kitchen and it’s like the corny white people convention up in there.  Danny humps his little portable tv while he waits for Vicky to appear on her news show and then he complains to Joey about how difficult it is to stay in a long-distance relationship.  Wait, what?  I don’t remember ever hearing about their long-distance relationship.  How long has Vicky been gone, anyway?  I can barely remember her because she was so deeply uninteresting, but I’m pretty sure she left the show a long time ago and was definitely never mentioned again.  Us poor fucks who watch Full House have already been thoroughly conditioned for the disappearance of love interests, often without any explanation whatsoever, and it’s not like Vicky had anything going for her that made us want to see her again.  Seriously, who was gonna give a fuck if she never came back?  I can’t even think of one thing she did besides fail to convince us of Danny’s heterosexuality.

As if there weren’t already too many fucking people in this scene, Steve and Kimmie Gibbler show up.  Steve is pleased to see that they’re serving waffles at the corny white people convention and starts gettin’ down. With that, we have established this exciting new characters primary characteristic.  His name is Steve, and he eats a lot of food.

Teddy comes over to meet Michelle before school and Joey invites him to come with them to some made up theme park that weekend.  Teddy says that he can’t go and he can’t say why because it’s a secret and then Michelle threatens to shove a banana up his ass if he won’t tell her what it is.

Jesse sees his sons playing with a doll and immediately objects to it, which surprises Aunt Becky, not so much because Jesse’s interfering with her parenting but more because it’s pretty well in line with the inherently flamboyant nature of the full house to let the boys play with dolls.  Accentuating this point, Danny comes downstairs right then and gives Jesse a big wet kiss.

Michelle continues to harass Teddy about what his secret is while they practice printing in their 1st grade class.  He finally reveals that his family is moving away forever next weekend, which seems like a really odd thing to keep secret.  Michelle is upset by this news and makes a hideous sad face while sad music plays.

One of the things they do on Full House that I really fucking hate the most is show you an ultra-manipulative image while ultra-manipulative music plays, and then, as if you don’t get it already, they zoom in on that shit.   They do it almost every act break, as if to say, “you don’t quite seem to understand how hideous this child’s face is.  WHY DON’T YOU TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT IT?!!?”

As Danny prepares to eat a big sandwich, he explains to the dog that Vicky had to cancel their weekend visit so he’ll be smearing peanut butter on his balls later.  Steve comes in and tries to eat Danny’s big sandwich and then, just as he’s about to back down, Kimmie Gibbler snags it.  DJ insists that Steve eat half of it because he’s on the wrestling team and needs his sustenance and with that the character of Steve has become 33% more complex.  His name is Steve, he eats a lot of food, and he is on the wrestling team.  Based on what we know about the rest of the cast, he’s only allowed a maximum of 2 more characteristics, so they’d better slow it down with this guy.  My guess is that there’ll be a very special episode about him being dyslexic or something.  For some reason teenage girls on tv in the 80’s and 90’s were always into guys who had trouble with reading and writing.  I’ll also bet ten million dollars right now that there is never ever going to be an actual episode where he gets to fuck DJ.  Oh yeah, also, Danny’s big sandwich ends up being fed to the dog, which is downright tragic if you ask me.

Later, Danny whines to DJ and Stephanie about the pains of being in a long distance relationship, like how his only sexual outlet is having the dog lick peanut butter off his balls.  He decides that he’s going to tell Vicky that they should see other people and the girls just stand there like, “since when were they in a long distance relationship?”

Teddy comes over to say goodbye to Michelle but she convinces him to hang out for a little while first.  Meanwhile, Jesse buys a bunch of masculine toys for his kids because he’s so threatened by them playing with dolls.  Becky comes upstairs after finding the doll stuffed in the hamper and delivers a surprisingly thoughtful speech about why it’s ok for little boys to play with dolls, like they learn to be compassionate and sensitive and all that shit.  As if that glimmer of sensibility wasn’t surprising enough, Jesse actually fucking listens to her and does what she says!  Can you believe it?!!?  I took a big shit right in my pants when it happened, I was so surprised.

DJ and Stephanie try to convince Danny not to break it off with Vicky even though there’s no clear reason why they would even give a shit.  Vicky shows up at the full house and the girls say a bunch of stuff that makes it really obvious that Danny’s about to break up with her before they’re shooed away.  As soon as they’re left alone, Vicky tells Danny that she thinks that they should see other people and then they both acknowledge that long-distance relationships suck ass.  Danny then says that now that they’re together he realizes that he still wants to keep seeing her anyway and Vicky agrees and then they make out on the couch, which is gross and weird. I really prefer homosexual-allusions Danny to unconvincing-heterosexual Danny.

Michelle ties Teddy to a chair with her jump rope and tells him that he’s going to have to live like that from now on.  Based on everything that’s come before, it totally makes sense that she thinks that she can just do that.  Teddy yells for help until Joey comes in and says, “hey, hey, hey, hey, what’s going on here?” which is totally Mr. Belding’s catch-phrase.  He unties Teddy and tells Michelle that he understands what she’s going through due to the fact that he used to move around a lot when he was a kid because his dad was in the army, which is more about Joey than I ever cared to know but at least they’re doing something for once to make him seem like an actual human.

Joey tells Michelle that she can make a new best friend and she and Teddy can write each other letters.  The music comes on as Teddy gifts Michelle with some hideous doll and then she gives him her stuffed pig.  They hug each other goodbye, which makes the audience say “aww” hella hard and then Teddy walks towards the door, pauses, looks back dramatically, and then walks away to go be on some other lame ass show.  I think it was called “The Smart Guy.”

As soon as he leaves, Michelle hugs Joey, which makes the audience go “aww” for the second time in like 30 seconds, like a bunch of fucking rubes.

The very next day, a new kid is introduced in Michelle’s class.  How fucking convenient is that?  Her name is Denise and she already met Michelle on the set of the Ranger Joe Show last Season, but, hey, who gives a fuck?  Teddy’s gone, this is the new kid, she and Michelle are meeting for the first time and they are immediately best friends.  One more episode in the can!

Firsts:  Steve eats a lot of food, Jesse listens to something that his wife says

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70 Responses to Season 6, Episode 2, “The Long Goodbye”

  1. Angela says:

    The whole Danny/peanut butter thing…that made me laugh and give me a horrible image that cannot be unseen now all at the same time. Thanks.

    Also, I don’t think it gets much more manipulative/obvious there’s an acting coach or whomever just off set than in that screencap of Michelle hugging Teddy goodbye. She’s not even trying to make the scene look natural, she’s looking straight ahead at the audience with her pity face.


  2. Bridget says:

    It looks like Michelle was doing the child version of “50 Shades of Grey” with Teddy called “25 Shades of Grey” when she tied him in a chair.


    • Ericka says:

      Haha!!🙂 that’s awesome!


    • Omar says:

      I was thinking that Michelle was doing the child version of Misery when she tied up Teddy.
      How is it that Michell is just meeting Denise for the first time, since she already met her on the Ranger Joe show, and presumably, they go to the same school and see each other at other times.
      Then again, out of my class of nearly 100 children in grade school, I only knew a handful by name, even out of the 25+ kids in my homeroom.


      • Bridget says:

        Omar, should Michelle hobble Teddy? I winced when Kathy Bates’ Annie Wilkes character did that to James Caan’s Paul Sheldon character!


  3. Jordan says:

    “Pre-Credits Gag: Joey and the new ugly babies are playing with bubbles and then the O.G. ugly baby, Michelle, comes up and says that she’s too old for bubbles now.”

    This was a great opening sentence.


  4. Moe Greene says:

    Holy jeez, look at that mini-Manhattan on the last screen grab!


  5. RoxyHelen says:

    Good one Billy! Hey btw, I don’t remember if you mentioned this, so you may already know, but Steve the bf was initially introduced as Steve DJ’s cousin.How about that for a screwed up relationship?


    • Joel says:

      No she had a cousin Steve who was played by her real life brother Kirk Cameron but this is a different Steve. He was introduced last season and then disappeared until now.


      • SaCha1689 says:

        And oddly the writers just decided to give DJ’s boyfriend the same name as her cousin. I wonder if that was on purpose.


      • Jordan Rae says:

        It probably was on purpose. If I remember right, didn’t she get creepy jealous when her cousin steve didn’t spend all of his time in town with her? I remember even as a little kid being super creeped out by that.


      • Austin says:

        I was thought the writers forgot. It fits in with almost everything else continuity-related on this show….


      • RoxyHelen says:

        I stand corrected.For some reason I wasa convinced it was the same guy.They could have picked another name though…


  6. cerebralPaulz says:

    I think the fact that the ugly babies are always looking off set is what makes them so unsettling to me. It’s like they can see ghosts or something.


  7. I’m thinking that Danny was the only one that thought he was in a long-distance relationship with Vicky. She’s probably been stuffing herself with all kinds of strange this whole time.

    Man, I need to get a bubble gun. My daughter sure as hell is not too old for that, she would love it and not be a little ingrate like Michelle. F that B. I’m glad her friend moved away to a different show. At least Teddy has a chance of being on a show that is starting fresh and maybe won’t be so poorly written!


  8. Michelle says:

    I hate kids as a general rule, but I love Denise. I wish they would abandon Michelle in a public park or something and just adopt Denise. Her natural charm just makes the Olsen twins seem even more wooden and just awful.


    • cerebralPaulz says:

      Yeah, you have to admit that casting for secondary characters is pretty good. Denise and Kimmy are awesome. Teddy was cool, so was duck face. Aunt Becky was cool until the fool house consumed her. They should have ended the series with the Tanner family, including Joey, perishing in a house fire and made a show about their friends.


      • Martin Tanner's Ghost says:

        Except for Michelle’s two other friends that come along later. You know, the redheaded girl and the ridiculously flamboyant boy.


    • JCC says:

      Yeah, Denise is really likeable! And – awkward – she is very attractive now.


  9. Ericka says:

    Has anyone else mentioned the fact that Nicky and Alex aged to 2 year olds in a 3 month span..maybe there was comments in the last episode..


    • Mike Brown says:

      That’s common in a lot of sitcoms…. same thing happened on Family Ties.


      • cerebralPaulz says:

        But this show made history by not doing that with Michelle. Why did they decide ugly toddlers were better than ugly babies this time?


      • penny says:

        Actually, it’s fairly conservative compared to most shows, where the kids age several years over the summer. I’m looking at you, Growing Pains, Step by Step, Family Ties, Family Matters, Boy Meets World….

        If I recall correctly, they keep the twins fairly young until the end of the show … they’re just grasping the ability to say their own lines by season 8. So the actors — who I think I read were cousins of the younger sister on My So Called Life — probably were younger than two here, I would think.


      • Mattside says:

        I don’t recall that happening on Family Matters… which character(s) did this happen to?


      • Chris says:

        Little Richie.


      • Martin Tanner's Ghost says:

        And don’t forget Fresh Prince.


  10. Megan M says:

    “Teddy yells for help until Joey comes in and says, “hey, hey, hey, hey, what’s going on here?” which is totally Mr. Belding’s catch-phrase. ”
    I literally laughed out loud at work.
    Also, I think Michelle tying Teddy to a chair just shows what a psychopath she is. She probably would have started cutting things off if Joey hadn’t showed up with his Mr. Belding impersonation.


  11. Sarah Portland says:

    What, no Stephanie? Did she finally get Judy Winslowed?


  12. Ryan says:

    lolol @ OG ugly baby and Comet licking PB off Danny’s balls.


  13. Bridget says:

    Billy, I think it would have been cleaner if you fainted instead of messing yourself! If I was Rebecca, I would have fainted or had a heart attack if my never listening husband took my advice!


  14. OnePost says:

    Actually, Steve is now 50% more complex, not 33% more complex.

    (3 – 2)/2 = 50%


  15. pigsnot says:

    You are at the top of your game Billy.


  16. RachWho? says:

    Why the hell was this episode called “The Long Goodbye”? It appears Michelle learned of Teddy’s move the same day it happened.


    • AdamD says:

      Presumably it’s because in the script, Teddy also developed Alzheimer’s, but the production crew forgot to film those scenes. Maybe there’s a good clinic in Amarillo?


  17. Evil Gurl says:

    WTF Michelle is in 1st grade? My daughter was a 1st grader last yeat and would have killed me if I had dresser her in those hideous clothes Michelle is wearing. She is dressed like a 2 year old with those frilly dresses and gigantic bows in her hair! Scary!


    • pdxcentric says:

      This is actually one of the more realistic parts of this show. It stands to reason that a little girl who has three dads and no mom would be fashion-challenged. One might think that Aunt Becky would intervene, but she cashed in all of her normal chips when she was consumed by the full house. Too bad. Rebecca Donaldson never woulda stood for that ol’ bullshit.


    • Sarah! says:

      To be fair, things were different in 1992. I am just a little older than Olsen twins, and I def considered all the sisters as fashion icons. I had a few barrettes with crazy ass ribbons coming off of them, they were very popular at the time.


      • marino says:

        I am the exact same age as the Olsen twins, and I was also all about super-complicated hair accessories. That and giant floppy hats that were made of the same fabric as my overall shorts. Oh the 90s!


  18. TayciBear says:

    At least the new friend us also black. Yay diversity (or token minorities).


  19. JerrBear says:

    Michelle has a doll she made from Teddy’s hair in the next episode. He’s the New!Teddy.


  20. Bridget says:

    Evil Gurl, if you want to see a six year old girl dressed like a toddler, go to YouTube and type in “14 Children and Pregnant Again.”. Joy Duggar who was 6 at the time in 2004 is dressed in this horrible-looking, frilly, beribboned thing her sisters made her. I don’t think 6 year old kids should dress like toddlers, but they shouldn’t dress like grown women like on “Toddlers and Tiaras.”. There is a happy medium between looking like a baby and looking like a grown up.


  21. pdxcentric says:

    I guess now we know why neat freak Danny let the girls keep the dog…

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Ruby says:

    Steve technically has five characteristics:
    1) His name is Steve.
    2) He likes food, confirmed by the opening credits when he’s caught (pickles in hand) in the Tanners’ refrigerator
    3) He’s on the wrestling team.
    4) He’s going out with DJ.
    5?) He’s been to Spain.


  23. Smashingthroughlife says:

    In the screen cap with Michelle’s hideous close-up in the classroom it looks like Teddy has an afro rat-tail!!!! What an incredible hairstyle that we’ll no longer get to enjoy. Unless of course Teddy appears again this season because of the bullshit inconsistency of this show.


  24. Teebore says:

    His name is Steve, and he eats a lot of food.

    Better or worse defining characteristic than “stinky feet”? I can’t decide.

    Michelle threatens to shove a banana up his ass if he won’t tell her what it is.

    A. I wish that were true.
    2. Fantastic screen capping on that one.

    I’ll also bet ten million dollars right now that there is never ever going to be an actual episode where he gets to fuck DJ.

    No one will ever, ever take that action against you.

    Danny’s big sandwich ends up being fed to the dog, which is downright tragic if you ask me.

    And possibly lethal, depending on what’s on that sandwich…

    Vicky shows up at the full house

    Wait, I thought her cancelling her trip is what triggered Danny’s “we should see other people” crisis? Ah, forget about it; it’s Full House.

    He unties Teddy…

    Frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t applaud Michelle’s initiative and call Teddy’s parents to arrange his adoption into the full house.


  25. Barnes says:

    Don’t want to click next. (ugly monkey sad face) Crowd goes “Awwwwww”


  26. e_x_i_t says:

    OK well in one of my previous comments I said the last thing I remember is the Princess Leila cover up bit, but I remember this one too. Fuck, I guess I watched more of Full House than I originally thought, because I remember Michelle tying that poor kid up. I believe this marks the first time Michelle didn’t eventually get exactly what she wanted, which is a bit of a shocker honestly. I’m surprised she didn’t march right to his house and unleashed some terrible beastly crying noise until his parent promised to stay just to shut her the fuck up.


  27. Allison says:

    Hate to defend this show but I watched this ep and based on the dialogue, it doesn’t seem like Denise and Michelle are meeting for the first time or anything.


  28. tageslicht says:

    The kids pencils in school are hella huge.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Dawn says:

    Hey another episode connection! Remember the ‘Boys will be Girls’ or sum shit, ep from s5? I specifically remember Aaron picking up Baby Love Button trying to use her as a taser&Michelle running to save her ‘Hey thats Baby Love Button. Now in season 6 apparently Lady Button has undergone the same horrible transformation as Jesses twins-she doubled in size,dressed in cheap ugly outfit&has acquired a mop like hair do-the similarities are amazing. Who knew a doll could magically dbl in size-Hey if the twins can I guess she can Ahh the magic of Full House : )


  30. williec29 says:

    I nearly passed out at the smearing peanut butter part…. good stuff!


  31. Mattside says:

    One of my favorite reviews! Hilarious the whole way through.

    “…and then the O.G. ugly baby, Michelle, comes up and says that she’s too old for bubbles now.”
    Almost had a spit-take on this one.

    “…Michelle threatens to shove a banana up his ass if he won’t tell her what it is.”
    The screen cap was fantastic with this.

    ““you don’t quite seem to understand how hideous this child’s face is. WHY DON’T YOU TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT IT?!!?””
    Hilarious because it’s true!

    ““hey, hey, hey, hey, what’s going on here?” which is totally Mr. Belding’s catch-phrase.”
    As soon as I read the first part, I knew where you were going. Awesome.

    I remember a weird thing with that part too… while Teddy’s calling for help, Michelle covers her ears and repeatedly says, “I can’t hear you… I can’t hear you…” as if to prevent others from hearing him too. Is that standard kid-logic?


  32. williec29 says:

    Michelle giving away her pig to Teddy, how touching. Yeah I don’t think so. She doesn’t give two squats for that pig. She tried to give that stupid thing away to Jesse when he was going to move out. Oh, and the peanut butter on the balls…. nice


  33. JP says:

    Michelle threatens to shove a banana up his ass… almost spit my drink all over my computer… thanks…


  34. JCC says:

    I was going to write an angry comment about how much of an dickhead Steve was for eating all the Tanner’s food but I just threw my hands up in the air and thought, “Fuck It.” These assholes deserve everything that comes their way.


  35. Odotry says:

    Between Teddie and the other kids, they’re all way more likable than that troll droll Michelle. Then again all the supporting members are tolerable than the main cast.


  36. BC says:

    Dolls are not okay. Kissing other men and having more hair products than all the women in the house combined is okay. Got it. Thanks, Uncle Jersey.


  37. TheRealest says:

    Does anyone else notice that Michelle’s teacher is Mika Tan….the pornstar!?


  38. ryan says:

    Fuck yeah….love the comments and sarcastic narration. ..everywhere you look there’s a heart-on to hold on to….fucking classic.!


  39. ryan says:

    Hey Mr.tanner. hey Steve, help your self ,fondle all the food on the table and make it so nobody can eat while your in this 2 min scene,What a total douce bag that Steve kid is.I’d kick his ass.truth be told the kid never gets laid from Donna Joe.”what a cock tease those manner girls are.


  40. ryan says:

    I’m sure that Stephanie’s friend gia gives HJ’s between the tanners and gibblers houses


  41. Stacy Hirsh says:

    Steve is such a gluttonous jerk and DJ defends himy by telling big Danny “he is a wrestler and needs food” or whatever, Steve needs to bring his own damn food to the house, the freeloader!


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