Season 6, Episode 2, “The Long Goodbye”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Joey and the new ugly babies are playing with bubbles and then the O.G. ugly baby, Michelle, comes up and says that she’s too old for bubbles now.  Joey shoots her in the face with a bubble gun until she decides that bubbles are fun again and then they all have a bubble party.

Damn, there’s hella fuckin people in the full house these days.  This episode opens with them all together in the kitchen and it’s like the corny white people convention up in there.  Danny humps his little portable tv while he waits for Vicky to appear on her news show and then he complains to Joey about how difficult it is to stay in a long-distance relationship.  Wait, what?  I don’t remember ever hearing about their long-distance relationship.  How long has Vicky been gone, anyway?  I can barely remember her because she was so deeply uninteresting, but I’m pretty sure she left the show a long time ago and was definitely never mentioned again.  Us poor fucks who watch Full House have already been thoroughly conditioned for the disappearance of love interests, often without any explanation whatsoever, and it’s not like Vicky had anything going for her that made us want to see her again.  Seriously, who was gonna give a fuck if she never came back?  I can’t even think of one thing she did besides fail to convince us of Danny’s heterosexuality.

As if there weren’t already too many fucking people in this scene, Steve and Kimmie Gibbler show up.  Steve is pleased to see that they’re serving waffles at the corny white people convention and starts gettin’ down. With that, we have established this exciting new characters primary characteristic.  His name is Steve, and he eats a lot of food.

Teddy comes over to meet Michelle before school and Joey invites him to come with them to some made up theme park that weekend.  Teddy says that he can’t go and he can’t say why because it’s a secret and then Michelle threatens to shove a banana up his ass if he won’t tell her what it is.

Jesse sees his sons playing with a doll and immediately objects to it, which surprises Aunt Becky, not so much because Jesse’s interfering with her parenting but more because it’s pretty well in line with the inherently flamboyant nature of the full house to let the boys play with dolls.  Accentuating this point, Danny comes downstairs right then and gives Jesse a big wet kiss.

Michelle continues to harass Teddy about what his secret is while they practice printing in their 1st grade class.  He finally reveals that his family is moving away forever next weekend, which seems like a really odd thing to keep secret.  Michelle is upset by this news and makes a hideous sad face while sad music plays.

One of the things they do on Full House that I really fucking hate the most is show you an ultra-manipulative image while ultra-manipulative music plays, and then, as if you don’t get it already, they zoom in on that shit.   They do it almost every act break, as if to say, “you don’t quite seem to understand how hideous this child’s face is.  WHY DON’T YOU TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT IT?!!?”

As Danny prepares to eat a big sandwich, he explains to the dog that Vicky had to cancel their weekend visit so he’ll be smearing peanut butter on his balls later.  Steve comes in and tries to eat Danny’s big sandwich and then, just as he’s about to back down, Kimmie Gibbler snags it.  DJ insists that Steve eat half of it because he’s on the wrestling team and needs his sustenance and with that the character of Steve has become 33% more complex.  His name is Steve, he eats a lot of food, and he is on the wrestling team.  Based on what we know about the rest of the cast, he’s only allowed a maximum of 2 more characteristics, so they’d better slow it down with this guy.  My guess is that there’ll be a very special episode about him being dyslexic or something.  For some reason teenage girls on tv in the 80’s and 90’s were always into guys who had trouble with reading and writing.  I’ll also bet ten million dollars right now that there is never ever going to be an actual episode where he gets to fuck DJ.  Oh yeah, also, Danny’s big sandwich ends up being fed to the dog, which is downright tragic if you ask me.

Later, Danny whines to DJ and Stephanie about the pains of being in a long distance relationship, like how his only sexual outlet is having the dog lick peanut butter off his balls.  He decides that he’s going to tell Vicky that they should see other people and the girls just stand there like, “since when were they in a long distance relationship?”

Teddy comes over to say goodbye to Michelle but she convinces him to hang out for a little while first.  Meanwhile, Jesse buys a bunch of masculine toys for his kids because he’s so threatened by them playing with dolls.  Becky comes upstairs after finding the doll stuffed in the hamper and delivers a surprisingly thoughtful speech about why it’s ok for little boys to play with dolls, like they learn to be compassionate and sensitive and all that shit.  As if that glimmer of sensibility wasn’t surprising enough, Jesse actually fucking listens to her and does what she says!  Can you believe it?!!?  I took a big shit right in my pants when it happened, I was so surprised.

DJ and Stephanie try to convince Danny not to break it off with Vicky even though there’s no clear reason why they would even give a shit.  Vicky shows up at the full house and the girls say a bunch of stuff that makes it really obvious that Danny’s about to break up with her before they’re shooed away.  As soon as they’re left alone, Vicky tells Danny that she thinks that they should see other people and then they both acknowledge that long-distance relationships suck ass.  Danny then says that now that they’re together he realizes that he still wants to keep seeing her anyway and Vicky agrees and then they make out on the couch, which is gross and weird. I really prefer homosexual-allusions Danny to unconvincing-heterosexual Danny.

Michelle ties Teddy to a chair with her jump rope and tells him that he’s going to have to live like that from now on.  Based on everything that’s come before, it totally makes sense that she thinks that she can just do that.  Teddy yells for help until Joey comes in and says, “hey, hey, hey, hey, what’s going on here?” which is totally Mr. Belding’s catch-phrase.  He unties Teddy and tells Michelle that he understands what she’s going through due to the fact that he used to move around a lot when he was a kid because his dad was in the army, which is more about Joey than I ever cared to know but at least they’re doing something for once to make him seem like an actual human.

Joey tells Michelle that she can make a new best friend and she and Teddy can write each other letters.  The music comes on as Teddy gifts Michelle with some hideous doll and then she gives him her stuffed pig.  They hug each other goodbye, which makes the audience say “aww” hella hard and then Teddy walks towards the door, pauses, looks back dramatically, and then walks away to go be on some other lame ass show.  I think it was called “The Smart Guy.”

As soon as he leaves, Michelle hugs Joey, which makes the audience go “aww” for the second time in like 30 seconds, like a bunch of fucking rubes.

The very next day, a new kid is introduced in Michelle’s class.  How fucking convenient is that?  Her name is Denise and she already met Michelle on the set of the Ranger Joe Show last Season, but, hey, who gives a fuck?  Teddy’s gone, this is the new kid, she and Michelle are meeting for the first time and they are immediately best friends.  One more episode in the can!

Firsts:  Steve eats a lot of food, Jesse listens to something that his wife says