Season 6, Episode 8, “The Play’s the Thing”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle stares at DJ and Steve as they make out, which is a throwback to the early days of the show, when Uncle Jesse used to get a ton of ass and everyone in the full house would stare at him while he was gettin’ busy.  DJ asks Michelle if she’s ever heard of privacy and Michelle replies, “I’ve heard of it, but I don’t believe in it.”  Yeah, no shit! That pretty much summarizes this entire series.

Speaking of throwbacks to the early days, this episode opens with Jesse eating a big ass piece of fried chicken while he and Joey prepare for their radio show.  Remember when he used to eat fried chicken in pretty much every episode?  He eats it way less often now.  That’s about as close as we ever get to character development on this show.

Michelle comes home all upset and pouting and making hideous faces so Danny offers to buy her a ride on the mechanical duck that’s in front of the hardware store.  Michelle says that the mechanical duck is for stupid little babies and then Stephanie explains that Michelle’s upset because the 1st Grade play was cancelled, which, incidentally, Stephanie was going to choreograph.  I’ll just put it out there right now that there’s never really any explanation as to why Stephanie is the choreographer of the 1st grade play.  I mean, I know that the real reason is just to give her character something to do, but it really never makes sense within the story.  Anyway, Stephanie says that the play is going to be cancelled unless a parent volunteers to direct it and then Jesse and Joey end up doing it because that’s what people in the full house do.  They get involved in your shit and then they fuckin’ ruin it.  Every time they go outside that’s what they do.

Becky asks Jesse if he can watch the twins but he says that he has to leave for work and then he kisses them goodbye while the audience goes “aww”.  Becky is routinely unphased by his refusal to help and then gladly accepts Danny’s offer to watch them.

DJ and Steve come home and Michelle asks them if they’ll come to her school play and DJ’s like, “fuck yeah we will.”  DJ shares that she played the role of Yankee Doodle when her 1st grade class performed the same play that Michelle’s class is doing, “America the Beautiful.”  Stephanie recalls that she also played Yankee Doodle, which convinces Michelle that she has to play that part herself.

Becky comes home with some toy trains that she wants to surprise the twins with but then she finds them in the living room with Danny, playing with an elaborate train set that he’s just bought them.  Meanwhile, Stephanie helps Michelle rehearse for her audition and then she sings “Yankee Doodle,” which makes the crowd lose their fuckin’ minds even though it’s deeply unimpressive.  No, seriously though, I know that it’s well established that I hate this kids guts and everything, but I’m speaking objectively here.  Her “Yankee Doodle” performance truly was bland.  Regardless, after seeing it, the uncles pretty much guarantee her the role.

So Jesse, Joey and Stephanie set to work on ruining the 1st grade play but, hey, at least Aaron Bailey’s involved!  Aaron Bailey’s the shit, you guys!  He’s the realest motherfucker in the entire full house universe!

After Aaron Bailey taunts Jesse for being a greasy, unemployed piece of shit, there’s a montage of kids auditioning for “Yankee Doodle,” which we all know is just a tragic ruse.  After the montage there’s a cut to the uncles announcing the cast, which consists of Aaron Bailey and Denise as George and Martha Washington, and then no other kids are named because they’re all just a bunch of extras.  Just as the part of Yankee Doodle is about to be announced, some kid raises his hand from the back row and says that he didn’t get a chance to audition.  For some reason no one seems to know who this kid is, not even the other 1st graders.  But I’m sure you all know him well, people who grew up watching Full House.  He is Derek, the gayest human being to ever appear on a tv screen.

Now, before I can talk about Derek, I feel like I should clarify that I’m not trying to make fun of gay people.  I’ve talked a lot about all the gay shit that’s appeared on full house because it’s pretty unavoidable, but if anything I feel bad for gay people that their lifestyles are portrayed as so preposterous and comical on this show.  Throughout the years we’ve seen some pretty fucking gay shit on Full House, like Joey and Jesse’s writhing bodies pressed together, Joey getting raped in prison while dressed in drag, and Jesse with an apron on, preparing dinner for Danny as he gets home from work, but all of that shit seems like penises in vaginas now that Derek’s on the scene.  Derek is the gayest goddamn thing I’ve ever even heard of.  Watching him on screen for one second is like watching a thousand hours of hardcore gay anal sex.  He’s so gay that he makes Dan Savage look like Rush Limbaugh.  He makes the gay pride parade look like a wet t-shirt contest.  He makes Margeret Cho’s stand-up comedy look like Andrew Dice Clay’s stand-up comedy.  That kid Derek is so motherfucking gay that while I was watching him perform “Yankee Doodle,” Harvey Fierstein burst through my wall like the Kool-Aid man and jerked off all over my keyboard, and I wasn’t even surprised.

After Derek’s audition, which, by the way, was fairly homosexual in it’s style and form, he is immediately showered with praise by his fellow students as Michelle sits there looking sorry for herself while sad music plays.

Becky is weirded out by Danny spending so much time with her kids, probably because she’s unfamiliar with the behavior of a proactive male partner.  Michelle comes home all pissed and the uncles explain to Danny that this super flamboyant gay kid auditioned and the rules of theater dictated that he had to be cast as the lead.  I can’t really blame Michelle for not understanding the uncles’ choice, as nepotism seems to be a deeply ingrained practice in the full house.  Who are either of the uncles to deny Danny’s kids anything when they’ve been suckling at his proverbial teat and scoring jobs off of him left and right for years?

The uncles cast Michelle as the Statue of Liberty so she can still be heavily featured in the play but it’s not enough to satisfy her.  She’s a real shithead during rehearsal and Jesse is surprisingly unwilling to accommodate her so she just goes and sits in the auditorium while making a real snide face.

Kimmie Gibbler asks DJ and Steve if they want to go to the movies with her and then DJ starts dictating what they should see.  Steve proclaims that he’s sick of her making decisions for him, like when she volunteered that they’d go to see Michelle’s piece of shit play, and then he gets all pissed and storms out of the full house.  See, that’s what happens when you’ve been going out with a guy for several months and you wont go past first base.  A man as sexually frustrated as Steve is like a ticking time bomb.

Whoa, hey, wait, what!??!  What the fuck am I looking at here?

Is this shit for real?  I am traumatized by this moment.  This is not ok.  Becky walks in on this terrifying scene and is pretty shocked.  Maybe not as much as you’d think that the mother of these kids would be upon seeing them naked in a tub with Danny’s gangly, freckled, lizard-like body, but she definitely makes some acknowledgement of how creepy and weird what we’re seeing is.  Danny at least explains that he’s wearing a swim suit, which is the type of slightly-damage-reducing detail that you don’t usually get on this show.  Anyway, Becky finally tells Danny that she’s sick of him hanging around her babies all the time and then he explains that Michelle doesn’t want to ride the mechanical duck at the hardware store anymore so he’s all desperate for baby company.  Becky tells him that he can’t hang out with them as much as he has been lately because it’s weird and annoying, but he can still have some designated quality time sessions with them sometimes.  Problem solved!

Michelle gives the uncles the cold shoulder so they try to explain to her that she’s being a real bag of dicks and she should just shut the fuck up and play the statue of liberty already.  Michelle tries to explain why she’s upset and in doing so delivers the most incredible line reading I’ve ever seen.  You kind of have to see it for yourself to get the full effect, but it goes like this, “I want to be Yankee Doode… because Stephanie and DJ… were.  Yankee Doodle, and I want to be Yankee Doodle, too.”  I can’t tell if her reading is so stilted and dreamlike because she can’t remember her lines or because her acting coach is feeding them to her from offstage, but either way I can’t help but think that it may have helped her sound more natural if she didn’t have to say “Yankee Doodle” 3 times in 10 seconds.  Regardless, I find it pretty amazing that a show this popular and lucrative couldn’t get their shit together to produce even one halfway decent take.  That is seriously the worst line reading in the history of television.

Anyway, the uncles say some inspiring bullshit and then Michelle agrees to be in the play.

Steve shows up at Michelle’s play after apparently not speaking with DJ for several days and then they patch up their dumb ass arbitrary disagreement.  The 1st grade play begins and it’s a fucking disaster.  Aaron Bailey fucks up all his lines and Denise’s wig comes off, all while Joey stands offstage, being worthless.  Derek pusses out when his cue comes on and the whole play comes to a halt.  Michelle walks offstage and the music comes on as she delivers some inspiring words to Derek about not fucking up the play by being a punk ass bitch.  The play starts up again and Derek finally delivers his flamboyant showmanship to the stage.  He sings “Yankee Doodle” and makes a point to incorporate Michelle into his performance because we all know by now that the big moral of this show is that any act of virtue or generosity will immediately be rewarded.

Firsts:  Derek


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97 Responses to Season 6, Episode 8, “The Play’s the Thing”

  1. penny says:

    You really outdid yourself with your introduction of Derek, who also puts “annoying” to shame. I lost it with the Harvey Fierstein comment. F’in brilliant.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Angela says:

      Same here. That was an awesome introduction, and there were so many hilarious one-liners throughout the review in general.

      And I’m so glad I’m not the only one who caught how weird Michelle’s “I want to be Yankee Doodle” line reading was. Great acting there, hon.

      Off to do some donating.

      Liked by 1 person

    • JCC says:

      Had to be the best paragraph I’ve read so far here (I’m going in order). I was laughing so hard. Bravo, Billy!


  2. Joeyandjesseslovechild says:

    Why were my dads ignoring me to direct a first grade play? It doesn’t seem right. Also, I really starting being mad at my uncle Danny at this point. He never took any baths with me. Why take baths with these two long haired sloths.


  3. Jordan says:

    Weird, didn’t we already see Derek? This post made me look him up on IMDB, and sure enough, this was his first episode. Yet I’m still feeling like we’ve already seen him somewhere.

    And yes, I clearly remember the play. Good lord, this was horrible.


    • JCC says:

      Derek sprung fully formed into our collective consciousness. I remember his appeareances were the source of much lulz in my junior high class.


  4. Bridget says:

    I know everyone is going to think I love Michelle or something, but Jesse and Joey were both unfair when they promised her the part of Yankee Doodle and gave it to someone else. I do wish they had a very special episode of FH and have Lisa and Derek come out of the closet. I think seasons 9 and 10 would have led up to that! I did make me feel uneasy when Danny was in the tub with the twins and the way he spoiled them with the train is the way child molester Kenneth Parnell indulged his victim Steven Stayner.


    • Allison says:

      Jesse and Joey are definitely a huge part of why Michelle is a brat. Kids don’t all start off that way, and hell, DJ and Steph, who while they can be spoiled are nowhere near as bad as their younger sister, were raised mostly by their mom probably and therefore why they’re not AS fucked up. It was wrong of them to promise her the role. It gave her even more incentive to feel entitled to it and to other things, too. …Ugh, did I just analyze Full House? Help me, God…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hebrewersfan says:

    “Harvey Fierstein burst through my wall like the Kool-Aid man and jerked off all over my keyboard, and I wasn’t even surprised.”


    Liked by 1 person

  6. Manny Tanner says:

    I haven’t commented in awhile, but I read this shit every single Friday the moment I get to my cube at work.

    And on slow days I read through the archives. This is my most favorite place in the whole of the internet.


  7. Shawna says:

    Oh god this episode. It haunts me to this day.


  8. Teebore says:

    which is a throwback to the early days of the show, when Uncle Jesse used to get a ton of ass and everyone in the full house would stare at him while he was gettin’ busy.

    Ah, continuity…

    which convinces Michelle that she has to play that part herself.

    And here we go…

    He is Derek, the gayest human being to ever appear on a tv screen.

    NOW I remember this episode. Ah, Derek. Possibly my favorite kid character after Aaron Baily. His acting is so ridiculously over-the-top. Did the kid that played him show up in anything else around this time, like how Aaron Bailey is the Penis/Vagina kid from Kindergarten Cop? I feel like I’ve see Derek in other things…

    Harvey Fierstein burst through my wall like the Kool-Aid man and jerked off all over my keyboard, and I wasn’t even surprised.

    Forget what I said last week; this is your best line ever.

    Whoa, hey, wait, what!??! What the fuck am I looking at here?

    And that elicited the biggest laugh, ever.

    Danny at least explains that he’s wearing a swim suit

    Much, much too late…

    I was hoping y’all might drop some donations on the site.

    You’re just lucky it’s payday…

    Seriously though, happy to help.


  9. Morgan says:

    Derek was in a number of things at the same time as this, he usually played the stereotypical asshole blonde which was popular in teen movies at the time but also translated easily to kids movies. I know he was in the little rascal as the d-bag trying to steal Darla from Alfalfa, there are a few other roles as well.


  10. Bridget says:

    I love the little Asian girl who said she hated the song. I also think Michelle was talking in the halting tone people use to keep from crying.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Lisa says:

    Why are Jesse and Joey allowed to direct the 1st grade play? They are no one’s father. They’re 2 random dudes who happen to live in Michelle’s house. That seems really irresponsible of the school. “Hey, parents, some guys wanna watch your kids on their free time, okay?” Totally sounds legit.


  12. 3000 says:


    Donate your money to keep this hilarity alive.

    I did, and I guarantee you’ll love the immediate sense of moral superiority you get!


  13. kenzington says:

    To this day, when I’m butthurt about something inconsequential and aware I’m being ridiculous, I mutter to myself, “But I should’ve been Yankee Doodle.”

    Also, I remember when this episode aired for the first time, because my older brother came home high and was convinced to the point of raving that Derek was played by Macaulay Culkin under an assumed name.


    • First, that’s funny about that utterance you still mutter.

      Second, I thought it was Macaulay Culkin at first too, based on the screen cap and Billy’s introduction of him in that everyone will know him. Andy I’m not even high! (yet).


  14. Bri says:

    I hate to complain (definitely my first complaint ever about this blog), but I was a little unhappy about the comments regarding a flamboyant kid being gay. As a gay person, seeing stereotypes perpetuated like that kinda bothers me… why can’t a male be flamboyant as hell without being gay? I mean, this show definitely has had a lot of homoerotic moments, mostly between the uncles, which I find hilarious considering how conservative this show was. But Derek? I mean, perhaps the actor really is gay… I just don’t like it when people assume that a flamboyant male MUST be gay, because what if he’s not?

    Anyway, I had to download this episode to watch it just because it seems especially horrible. The Danny tub scene… WTF! That is child molester material right there! Holy creepy! Also, I love Aaron Bailey, and Jesse is a worthless piece of shit husband and father. But what’s new?


    • Billy Superstar says:

      i’m genuinely sorry if i offended you, bri. i’ve tried to be really careful about addressing the gay stuff that appears on Full House without ever coming off as homophobic and have always tried to be mindful of the way that gay friends and family members of mine (as well as all of my readers, gay or otherwise) would react to what i write. i’m not saying that derek appears to be gay as a way of criticizing him or making fun of gay people, but i do think it’s fair to say that he is very much a gay stereotype. He’s well-dressed, sensitive, articulate, and he excels at musical theater (none of which are negative characteristics). i don’t just think that he is flamboyant, i think that he is a conspicuously gay character. i think that any gay person who watched this episode would have a similar reaction to my own. sometimes you just have to call it like it is. there was an asian character earlier in the series that was a friend of stephanie’s but i never made jokes about it because there was no playing up of stereotypes, but if that character had constantly been wearing a karate outfit and eating fortune cookies and shit like that i would have felt a need to remark upon it. for the record, i think that gay people deserve the right to live openly and get married and have all the same basic human rights that everyone else gets (i’ve even made donations to the human rights campaign, and still would if they didn’t call you up all the time to ask for more). there have been a few queer-rights issues addressed on fhr and some people have even left touching comments about their own experiences growing up being or knowing gay or transgender individuals. i’ve really made an effort to be light-hearted about the gay content on this show without seeming bigoted, and i hope you know that if anyone ever left homophobic comments on here i’d have some really unpleasant words for them. i hope that you can allow me to continue to make dumb jokes every week with the understanding that i am coming at it from a gay-friendly point of view and i invite you to point it out if i ever come off as otherwise.


      • Bri says:

        I really appreciate your response, and I see where you’re coming from. I definitely didn’t mean to imply that you’re homophobic at all; I’ve laughed out loud at many of your comments about the uncles and their homoerotic moments, and you’ve often gone out of your way to clarify your stance on gay rights and stuff. I wouldn’t visit this blog every single week with such anticipation if I felt any homophobia from ya. So I’m sorry if my comment was a bit sharp. It’s hard to convey tone through the internet, as I’m sure you’re well aware… I only meant that I hate gay stereotyping, but reading your response to my comment, I see what you mean. If he’d been intentionally a gay character (which he very well may have been?), the number of over-the-top gay stereotypes attributed to his character is rather hilarious, total Full-House style.

        I apologize again if my comment seemed to be accusing you of being homophobic at ALL, and I greatly appreciate that you took the time to respond to me with such detail. Cheers! 🙂


    • Moe Greene says:

      Under the same premise, can’t an adult male take a bath, while wearing a swimsuit, with his two nephews without being a child molester?

      These are the jokes. It’s why we come back to the blog each and every Friday.

      Billy apologized up front about it. Take it easy, Bri.


      • Bri says:

        I’m guessing you didn’t read my response to his comment. Go read it 🙂


      • Bri says:

        Also, what a terrible analogy… jokes aside, comparing a gay person to a child molester… :-/ Child molesters aren’t an unfairly persecuted minority. Rather, they are a justifiably persecuted type of nutjob.

        Liked by 1 person

  15. TheGibbler says:

    Can we real quick talk about how hot Aaron Bailey got? I thought he was a total douche when we were both 7, but now…


    • Bri says:

      HOLY CRAP. I dunno, 7-year-old me loved the crap outta Aaron Bailey already, but that is one gorgeous man.


    • Angela says:

      That’s what he looks like now?



    • Val says:

      Hot damn!! Actually all of the little kids turned out to be gorgeous. Derek has this just beautiful, perfect face now, Denise is so so pretty and now Little Aaron, wow. All except Mary Kate. She perpetually looks like ET when Drew Barrymore dresses him in drag. But I think Ashley is pretty (they are not identical twins btw, Ashley has grace, I say this all the time. When Michelle is especially annoying that’s Mary Kate).


    • Sully says:

      I’m just gonna say it… he looks like a 5 year old with 5 o’clock shadow. Maybe I am too old to bump and grind on him, and his good looks.


  16. Bri says:

    I’m watching the episode now. Comments:

    What the hell is up with Stephanie’s acting habit of sticking her chin wayyyyy out and jerking her neck around while she talks and blinking so damn much??

    How can Joey and Jesse direct the play WHEN THEY’RE NOT PARENTS OF ANY STUDENTS?? That’s creepy. Also, since when do parents direct school plays? Don’t the teachers do that shit?

    I like how Jesse just left his chewed up chicken bone sitting on the kitchen table… and then he went from eating chicken and lounging around, to “we have to go NOW! we’re on the air in 20 minutes!”

    Michelle’s Yankee Doodle singing was so, so bland. I think even Stephanie would’ve done a better, more enthusiastic and interesting version, and she sucks ass.

    Jesse and Joey (I accidentally wrote “Jessus” at first… terrible) were assholes by telling Michelle she’d be Yankee Doodle before even seeing the other kids audition. What douchebags! And I like the audition process, and how the only way they could justify choosing Michelle was by making every other kid suck major amounts of ass at it. I still woulda chosen Aaron Bailey, though. That kid rocks.

    The only line in this episode that made me laugh even just a little bit came from Kimmy Gibbler. “You shouldn’t be making decisions for me.” “Why not? It sure beats the heck outta thinking for yourself!” Tru dat, Kimmy Gibbler. Tru dat.

    Holy crap, that line from Michelle really WAS the worst-delivered line ever in the history of TV. Wow.

    And her speech… is the most out-of-character thing EVER. Michelle is incapable of complimenting someone else over herself… she’s supposed to jump all over the opportunity to run out there and play Yankee Doodle herself, cause that’s just what Tanners do.


  17. Katie says:

    “Aaron Bailey’s the shit, you guys! He’s the realest motherfucker in the entire full house universe!”

    I love that he’s the only one that gives Jessie shit for being a complete loser. I wish there were more scenes with Aaron and Kimmy. They are the only worthwhile characters.

    “Becky is weirded out by Danny spending so much time with her kids, probably because she’s unfamiliar with the behavior of a proactive male partner.”

    HA! Fantastic observation. I always figured it was good old fashioned jealousy. Never once considered she was used to being a single parent.

    Donated 5 bucks for you, Billy. Keep it up. 🙂


  18. I was certain this was your best line ever:

    “but all of that shit seems like penises in vaginas now that Derek’s on the scene. ”

    Then you said this, and totally topped it:

    “That kid Derek is so motherfucking gay that while I was watching him perform “Yankee Doodle,” Harvey Fierstein burst through my wall like the Kool-Aid man and jerked off all over my keyboard, and I wasn’t even surprised.”

    I’d be happy to donate. I’ll hit it up on Monday when I get paid. I added a “donate” button to He-Man Reviewed a few weeks back, but I barely even get comments… BUT more and more people are reading the blog everyday, and that’s all I can really ask for. I’m just happy to be able to share my perspective on an iconic cartoon and to have people enjoy it.

    Keep up the good work. Without Full House Reviewed, there would be no He-Man Reviewed.


  19. Jimmy says:

    Ah, the Yankie Doodle Dandy episode! Where that guy debuts? I haven’t read the whole thing yet, but I remember that one.


  20. Sarah Portland says:

    I can never unsee that screencap of Danny in the bathtub with the twins. I was thinking that he was going to tell Becky that he’s enjoying his time with them because he only had girls, and wants some time to hang out with boys. But that would make too much fucking sense. No, it MUST be because Michelle doesn’t want to ride that damn duck at the hardware store.


  21. starbucksweetie says: – did you know there were Full House dolls


  22. Ryan says:

    Oh. My. God. I totally forgot about this episode until this recap. This has to be one of the top five worst episodes of the entire series.

    Hilarious recap, as always.


  23. Val says:

    Best recap ever, oh… My gosh. Jesse… I never got what he saw in Becky. She seemed more like Danny’s type. But she probably let him stick around because men like that are only good at fucking, ha!

    It’s weird but when the show started it wasn’t this bad, it was sweet even. Especially the very first episodes still dealing with mom’s death. They had good moments like Stephanie crashing Joey’s car into the kitchen. And her chemistry with Jesse was hilarious, like when she ran away to Becky’s house and he found her hanging from the closet door. But then she grew up and she wasn’t as cute anymore, so they moved on to Michelle, no more Steph and Jesse, and turned Michelle into a brat when she wasn’t such a brat at first, she even wanted a new mommy, and then all of a sudden she cockblocked Danny all the time when he wanted to get laid. She basically ran the house and Stephanie featured less. The stories became lazy and beyond dumb as the seasons progressed, the little creativity they had was completely gone.

    I still get nostalgic when watching the show. I was the same age as Michelle. But goddamnit, with all the success why didn’t anyone try to fix those problems? The scripts mostly. The direction. At times it was unbelievably awful.


    • Sally says:

      I completely agree with you. When you look back at the earlier episodes, they were bad for the same reasons that other 80s sitcoms were bad like ‘Charles in Charge’ or ‘Growing Pains’…very cliche kooky plots, a lot of overdone themes that shove a lot of morals down your throat. But Full House really took on a life of its own and turned into this horrible, lazy, off the wall kind of sitcom as time went on. I sometimes wonder if they fired every 80s writer they had when the calendar changed over to 1990, because that’s when it seemed to take a turn for the worse.


  24. Joeyandjesseslovechild says:

    I just got back from a casino where I lost my last 175 dollars. My dads won’t give me any more and I feel lost. Can any of you support me? My dads gave you all such happiness so could you get me some seed money?


  25. Phil says:

    Jesus, that bathtub scene is creepy as hell. It’s another case where in the wholesome Full House universe, antisocial behavior is normalized. The show starts from the premise that these are good people with good motives, so any actions they take as expressions of their character are also good. Nevermind that this is the psychology of a sociopath.

    Remember Joey Gladstone’s mannequin? The one he would dress every day in the outfit he was wearing? Imagine a person doing that, buying two of every outfit so that every day they can dress their mannequin in one of them. They wake up every morning and after (before? while?) dressing themselves, they meticulously dress their mannequin. You know who does this type of thing? Serial killers.

    This is probably reason all these love interests disappear without ever being mentioned again. Joey is ritualistically murdering them, and the rest of the family is in such denial they don’t ask questions.


    • Val says:

      And it’s gonna happen again and again…

      Jeez I legit forgot about that manequinn. Wtf Joey??


      • Sally says:

        This comment legit made me laugh as much as the reviews normally do. Spot on with the mannequin! You could write a thesis on the sociopathic (is that a word?) tendencies of Joey Gladstone!


  26. lacerracer says:

    There’s a little boy in the class where I’m student teaching named Aaron Bailey. Spells it the same way and acts the same way. Not even kidding.


  27. Chuck says:

    The kid who played Derek also turned up in Problem Child 3, as a flamboyant child actor named Corky(!)…easily the worst film of the bunch, since neither John Ritter nor Michael Oliver returned for it.


  28. TayciBear says:

    I was at the hospital today for contractions and I had no remote for the TV when to my horror Full House came on. I even muttered an “Oh god.” I had to sit through the Teddy, Aaron Bailey, Michelle’s a girl fiasco and I must say I was really offended at the sexism. It actually started to piss me off. I then had to sit through the Christmas at the airport show, but at least my mom was there. She even talked about how horrible she always thought the show was.


  29. Guest says:

    I’ve been waiting for the arrival of Derek for so long, and this review did not disappoint. “Key of E, please.”


  30. Melody says:

    Oh, yes, this one was bad.

    I always thought it was unfair for the guys to promise Michelle the part long before auditions, so in that sense, I can understand why she’s such a dink when they give the part to a kid who can at least hold our attention – even if it is because he’s so loud and dramatic that you know he’ll get the part just for effort and probably because he’s obviously not shy (which makes the scene where he runs off the stage all the more eye-roll-worthy.

    Then, when they created the special SoL role for her, I rolled my eyes again. And I practically cheered when Jesse and Joey didn’t simply tell the kid cast as YD that Michelle is going to be the new YD, because that would give in to her self-centered, Karen Brewer thing. I was so pleased she actually didn’t get a starring lead. Then I sighed in disappointment when the star dedicates a portion of his song and shares a line to/with her royal heinous (heh). Not only would he have had to make it up on the spot, but what kid (seriously, what real kid) would do anything extra for a kid of the opposite gender? Those two kids who ended up paired as the president and his wife had the right idea: “Eeeeeeeeeeeww!!”


    • Emily says:

      Karen Brewer. Am I wrong or did you just reference BSC? Good on you.


      • Bridget says:

        Karen Brewer from BSC was mentioned. I read the BSC snark and this lady on the discussion page says she uses the Little Sister books as a form of birth control. She reads the books and tells her husband she is in no mood for procreational sex when he wants a kid. He calls Karen a brat. Vanessa Pike was a bit of an airhead who never helped out Mallory with the kid sitting and Claire was always on that Silly Billy Goo Goo BS. The only kids I liked were Charlotte Johannson because she was a sweet, shy, bright little girl and Jenny Presiosio, (I think that’s her last name) because she saw through the BS and despotic nature of the club and didn’t want to do what the girls said according to Kristy aka God Thomas!


    • Lisa says:

      Seriously, 20 extra points for bringing the BSC into the FH world. Well done.


  31. Thea says:

    I just found this site today, and oh man, this is the funniest thing I have read in a looooooong time. I am DYING over here! I’m glad I didn’t have any plans for the rest of the afternoon!


  32. The Venerable Bede says:

    I’m not even done with the review yet and I can say that this is your best review yet. The entire paragraph where you’re describing how gay Derek is, that shit is HILARIOUS.


  33. williec29 says:

    I think I blacked out from laughter when I read ‘bag of dicks’….


  34. Michael Scarn says:

    I totally lost it when Derek showed up. I made it to “Derek is the gayest goddamn thing I’ve ever even heard of” and had to stop for a second to get my shit together before I could even finish the paragraph.


  35. matchbox920 says:

    Fantastic review, sir. This has nothing to do with anything, but as I’m reading this blog, I’m watching a movie where Jersey is an abusive husband/cop. I think he’s killed 2 women so far. No One Would Tell is on later… It’s like it’s Full House movie day or something!


  36. Science says:

    Kudos to you for not going the predictable route and using the screen save of the twins going under Danny’s legs which he makes into a tunnel for them when they are riding the train in the living room. But you did use the screen save of him in the bathtub with the kids. Well, can’t blame you for that…


  37. Taylor Kerekes says:

    I don’t know about any of y’all, but I bet that audition montage would have been a little funnier if they did the “I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener” jingle like in some of those Oscar Mayer ads from the early 2000s. 🙂


  38. Uhm says:

    I’m so confused. Is this a gag website? Did someone really dedicate an entire webpage and a bunch of time to making fun of each full house episode?

    Did you pay for that domain? AHHH so confused…Why this show? Are you an amateur comedian? You still refer to things as “gay”?

    Let me see if I got this…a domain name was purchased and a WordPress site created, so that a gag review could be written in 2012, about an episode of a show that aired in 1992.

    The only thing that makes sense is the type of humor that would be needed to write this review matching up with the type of humor that would be needed to initiate this entire project.

    I don’t even know why this site bothers me somuch, because none of these things by themselves ever have…Maybe it’s just that I don’t think I’ve ever been so unimpressed with something I’ve found on the internet…

    How about a more relevant show, or if you are going to stick with this one, a bit more wit? You don’t need to take the homophobic jokes away, just make them entertaining. I feel like I’ve shifted into this dimension where youtube posters have taken over the world…AHHHHH.

    I don’t know…maybe you are from some really tiny town that is really outdated. If so, I apologize.


  39. Allison says:

    Ok, so that Derek kid was in Little Rascals, he sang in that as well, however Buzzfeed had an article on that guy a few months ago, kind of like a where are they now. He was on a Logo show called the People’s Couch. Also he’s a gogo dancer. He apparently has a music video, you’ll love it. I can’t, for whatever reason post it, so go look up Wish I Didn’t Need You – Blake McIver Official Video.

    I know you’re ending the blog soon, and I know you posted this over a year ago, but consider it a goodbye/thank you gift.


  40. Steve says:

    This episode of Full House is brought to you in part by: NAMBLA!


  41. Monica says:

    These are hilarious! i read these almost everyday and they never fail to make me laugh xD the recap of danny in the tub with the twins scene is awesome xD by the way, do you happen to be the writer who wrote the degrassi reviews on the boycott the caf site? just wondering


  42. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    Funny, when I watched him as a kid, I didn’t have gaydar but when you watch the kid now, it’s obvious. I just thought that the kid was a goody goody at first.


  43. Jenni says:

    want to be Yankee Doode… because Stephanie and DJ… were. Yankee Doodle, and I want to be Yankee Doodle, too.” I can’t tell if her reading is so stilted and dreamlike because she can’t remember her lines or because her acting coach is feeding them to her from offstage, but either way I can’t help but think that it may have helped her sound more natural if she didn’t have to say “Yankee Doodle” 3 times in 10 seconds

    I take it you don’t hear 5 year olds talk on a regular basis. Because this is how my niece and nephews talk all of the time. Usually some of your statements in your reviews are funny, but overall I would love for you to review people’s lives because God forbid a man take a bath with a baby or a child be jealous about not getting a part they want. You are so overly negative in all of your reviews and I just don’t understand it.


  44. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    It’s not fair that she had to compete against a gay kid. The lil’ princess should have been given that part. No excuses. They should have written “Lady Liberty” for Derek.


  45. Gibbler! says:

    Aaron has such an attitude…I love it!


  46. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    I love how these Yiddish-American producers write specifically for the children actors of the negroid persuasion.

    “Denise Frazier.”

    She MUST be related to Smokin’ Joe Frazier. Personally, I think that Miller Boyett shows gave white america false hopes as to what a black person really was. They’re not all that sassy and jovial like on TV. Thanks TGIF!


  47. Martin Tanner's Ghost says:

    I find it strange and interesting that Derek perfectly embodies the flamboyant gay stereotype and later in adulthood, the actor who played Derek comes out.


  48. Robin Hinson says:

    Whoever wrote this is my spirit animal ❤ ❤


  49. Jen says:

    If the kid who plays Derek isn’t living proof that homosexuality is something you’re born with, then I don’t know what is.

    And Aaron Bailey is a dick. I would have to punt that kid straight out the window.


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