Season 6, Episode 9, “Nice Guys Finish First”

Pre-Credits Gag:  DJ accuses Stephanie of stealing her sweater but it turns out that Michelle did it.

DJ comes home after a driving lesson with Danny and gives him shit about how he still wont let her drive on the freeway.  Michelle comes downstairs and is all freaked out about the Norwegian Goat Boy, which is something she read about in some trashy fake newspaper.  Becky comes home with the twins and puts Jesse and Joey’s radio show on and then there are about 15 seconds of the twins staring off with blank expressions before the scene transitions over to the radio show.

Joey promotes a hockey game that he’ll be playing in for charity, which I’m pretty sure is the first time that there’s ever been any mention of him playing hockey.  Jesse adds that he’ll be the announcer for the game and then Joey points out that Jesse knows fuck all about the game of hockey.  Jesse seems pretty unperturbed by this, as he’s been coasting his whole life on good looks and other peoples’ success and has never bothered to be good at anything.

The uncles bring on their first guest, a sponsor for the event named Hirschel Binkley, who is also going to be the goalie for the team opposing Joey.  Hirschel Binkley expresses a familiarity with Joey but after he isn’t recognized, he busts out his old hockey mask, revealing that he is in fact Stonewall Binkley, Joey’s old hockey rival from college.

Stonewall Binkley recalls the joy he experienced humiliating Joey fifteen years earlier when he kicked his ass at hockey, and then he anticipates further gratification at the charity game, where he plans to humiliate Joey once again.  He then proceeds to talk a bunch of shit to Joey right on his own radio show, and even calls him a loser to his face.  Man, Stonewall Binkley’s a pretty cool guy.  I like how there have been more relatable characters appearing on the show lately, like Becky’s cousin Larry, who was appalled by what a giant loser Jesse is, and now, Stonewall Binkley, a guy who puts way too much energy into hating Joey.  I feel you, Stonewall Binkley.  I feel you.

DJ continues to ride Danny’s ass about letting her drive on the freeway until he finally caves in.  Stephanie’s comes downstairs, trailed by Michelle, who refuses to come all the way down because she’s still scared of the Norwegian Goat Boy.  Yes, this is a real premise on this show.  Danny fails to convince her that the Goat Boy isn’t real but Stephanie manages to assure her that the Goat Boy doesn’t have any way to reach San Francisco.

Jesse and Joey come home and Joey decides just as he walks into the scene that he’s not going to play at the charity event after all.  Everyone thinks that Joey should still play but they all agree to support his pussy ass decision regardless.

The family all try to ease the shame of Joey being a punk bitch by taking a recreational trip to the ice skating rink together.  Jesse is as bad at ice skating as he is at everything else he does in life, which provides a lot of physical comedy.

Danny gets on the ice and immediately turns into a really obvious stunt double who is incredibly adept at ice skating.  I have to admit that I usually like jokes like this, and if this was any other show I would think that the way that Danny being amazing at ice skating is so casually presented would be pretty funny.  But Full House only ever really makes me laugh when someone gets hurt.

Stonewall Binkley shows up, pretty much out of nowhere, and starts talking a bunch of smack to Joey about what a cowardly piece of shit he is for backing out of the game.  After standing behind his corny family who talk for him for a while, Joey finally loses his shit and yells at Stonewall Binkley about how he’s gonna fuck his shit up at the hockey game.  Wow, Joey, way to grow a testicle!

Danny bombards DJ with anal retentive driving regulations right before letting her drive on the freeway for the first time and then Steve comes over to be supportive by coming along for the ride.  Meanwhile, Jesse allows his children to crawl all over him while he tries to read the rules of hockey so he can be terrible at both fatherhood and his radio career at the same time.

Kimmie Gibbler comes over to babysit the twins and then she mocks Michelle for her fear of the Goat Boy.  Michelle says that Kimmie Gibbler can eat her ass because she knows that the Goat Boy isn’t real now but then Kimmie Gibbler busts out another fake newspaper and shows Michelle the Mutt Man.  Just as Michelle discovers a new ridiculous phobia, Joey enters the scene in all his hockey gear and growls and stuff as he gets all hyped up for his hockey game and then Michelle runs away screaming.

Even though that last moment really seemed to be played up for laughs, the next scene begins with Joey going upstairs to console Michelle.  He finds her hiding under her bed and then the music comes on as he tries to make her understand that he’s not really mean and scary, he’s just trying to get all amped up to play some sports.  Wait, what am I even watching here?  What is the lesson exactly?  The problem seemed to be that she kept getting freaked out by these fictional creatures but somehow that means that Joey can’t behave aggressively when he plays sports?  What is the connection there exactly?  I get that it would be jarring to see a guy that’s never expressed any real emotions and who talks like cartoon characters half the time get all confrontational, but she can’t just control his behavior like that.  You know what I think would be the best solution to this problem?  If he finally moved out of that fucking house.  It made a lot more sense back in the early Seasons when he was just some unemployed amateur comedian, but he’s had a couple of real jobs now and it’s really just time to move on.  It’s the best thing for everyone.  But no real plausible solutions to the deeply-rooted dysfunctions that dwell withing the full house are ever presented, only shallow quick-fixes, and so Joey does a Kermit the Frog impression and promises never to be mean ever again.  Hugs.

Hey, wait, we just saw the music scene but the show’s not over.  That’s weird.  Usually the music comes on in the final scene.  I don’t know, I feel like a lot of the rules about the music have changed this Season.  Anyway, Jesse announces Joey’s hockey game even though he has a cartoonish lack of knowledge about the sport, including having to look into his guidebook to identify that they are playing with a puck.  Man, sometimes this shit with Jesse really gets to me.  Like if I see him suck at his job or treat his wife like shit one more time I’m just gonna start crying.  Think of all the unemployed people out there who are willing to work hard.  It’s just not right.

So Joey does a shitty job at hockey because he can’t hurt anyone while Michelle sits on the sidelines, looking all freaked out.

What?  Why didn’t they just leave her at home?  This is for reals the dumbest premise so far, and there have been some pretty fucking stupid ass piece of garbage premises before this.  Seriously, this episode is about how Michelle’s irrational fear of cryptozoological creatures inhibits Joey’s performance at a hockey game.  Who pitched that in the writers room?

Becky comes into Jesse’s booth and does his announcing for him because that’s the way their marriage works.  Danny enters the bleachers with DJ and Steve and tells everyone that DJ got a ticket for driving too slow on the freeway.  Joey continues to suck shit at hockey and then heads to the sidelines for halftime.  Michelle appears from pretty much out of nowhere and he pleads with her to let him play more aggressively.  Hey, wait a minute, they already had a talk over the music about this, but it didn’t fix anything.  Damn, you guys, the music didn’t resolve the problem this time!  Everything I ever knew was a lie!

So, anyway, Michelle gives Joey permission to try harder and then his game improves and then, naturally, he’s penalized at the very last second of the game is is given a penalty shot, so the outcome of the game is decided by one last showdown between Joey and Stonewall Binkley.

So believe it or not, Joey scores the goal and then Stonewall Binkley is disgraced and then everyone cheers.

Firsts:  Joey plays hockey, Joey behaves aggressively, the music does not solve a problem

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83 Responses to Season 6, Episode 9, “Nice Guys Finish First”

  1. Julia says:

    So, my comment doesn’t really have anything to do with this episode, and I’m thinking maybe other people have pointed this out before, but I still want to get this out there:

    I just really wish I could go back in time and scream at the producers that they are wrong for casting Jesse as the Uncle, and Joey as the friend from college or whatever. Wouldn’t it just make MORE sense to have them as opposite relations to the FullHouse familly?? Think about it, Joey’s a piece of shit freeloader, and it would make sense that Danny has some moral obligation to keep the family of his deceased wife around as much as possible, for the girls (not to mention that it would even make more sense as to why they’re BLONDE).

    As for Jesse, it would totally make more sense that Danny have had some sort of bromance with Jesse because he was the “cool” guy in college and obviously let him freeload off him just so he could pal around with him and possibly get ass once in a while.

    I just really wish I could fix all this. It would create some SENSE in the story line….But, as everything in the FullHouse universe, there is just no reason.


  2. carinthekitchen says:

    Everything about this review is positively beautiful.


  3. Bridget says:

    I don’t like how all the inhabitants of the house seem to kowtow to a 6 year old kid like that episode of the Twilight Zone “It’s a Good Life.”. I do think Michelle banished all of Jesse’s girlfriends with the exception of Becky to some cornfield so she could have Jesse to herself. In regards to the tabloids: I am a fan of Abraham Lincoln and I like reading about him and seeing movies and shows about him. My point is, one rag talked and showed a picture and the heading was that old Abe was born Abigail Lincoln and it showed him in drag. I know those rags are full of it and they should teach Michelle that such publications are not true and people read them for fun


  4. Moe Greene says:

    Halftime? In hockey?


  5. hebrewersfan says:

    The Danny being an awesome skater bit worked for me on a comedic level, but I can’t fault you for not feeling the same.


  6. Teebore says:

    which I’m pretty sure is the first time that there’s ever been any mention of him playing hockey.

    That can’t be right, can it?

    Ah, I know. I bet I’m thinking of all the times in past episodes he was wearing a Red Wings jersey.

    Jesse is as bad at ice skating as he is at everything else he does in life, which provides a lot of physical comedy.

    I wonder if this was John Stamos Emmy submission episode.😉

    Steve comes over to be supportive by coming along for the ride

    Yeah he does!

    Oh wait, that’s not a euphemism.

    Seriously, this episode is about how Michelle’s irrational fear of cryptozoological creatures inhibits Joey’s performance at a hockey game.

    Out of context, on a different show, that might actually be an awesome premise.

    Danny enters the bleachers with DJ and Steve and tells everyone that DJ got a ticket for driving too slow on the freeway

    That could possibly be the most comeuppance anyone on this show has ever received.


    • Karen says:

      I remember the ticket for going too slow so well; the ticket was DANNY’S fault because he wouldn’t let DJ go any faster. She sure got screwed over a lot by them (compared to the other two).


    • BlondieRock13 says:

      No, you’re right. Billy covered it in the 5th season. All three of the guys play hockey together one time, which seemed really freakin random, but it did happen. So apparently the writers can’t keep it straight about Jesse graduating high school OR ever playing hockey. The saddest part about the hockey bit is that it was something they had covered ONE season prior to this. Like, how much cocaine do you have to be on to forget something from a year ago?


  7. KimanderEvil says:

    DJ’s sweater wouldn’t fit me and I am 6’2″ man. Why would Michelle steal/borrow such an enormous sweater? Why would Stephanie steal it? I know. comedy, small “c” comedy. Uncle Shetbag could wear it to play hockey in. That would have been funnier, if he didn’t have pants on, GOAL!
    I don’t have a radio show, so I can’t say for a fact that Uncle Joke wouldn’t know that his college nemesis would be on as a guest, but WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST!!! It has been said before and we will say it again. If I did my job as shetty as these shetbags, I would have to mooch off some relative. oh. i get it.

    The whole Joey/ hockey thing seems plausible.

    My bestie with testes grew up in SF and swore off driving for years, because it sucked so much. His drivers ed instructor made him navigate Lombard St. That crazy curvy one. That stupid whore DJ probably was letting Steve go to third while she drove.

    This isn’t Canada, who has ever EVER hear a non NHL game on the radio. Were the people of SF so stoned that they tuned into hear the Shetbag family hockey game. Perhaps they hoped that Jesse or Joey or both would get brain damage and leave us alone.
    Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

    (Cue the Music)
    I will support you to go to wordpress site or if you want to stay here. I did put a few bucks in the kitty and will continue to do so. I am with you until the end, man.


  8. Melanie says:

    The longer this show goes on, the more they play to the real characteristics of the cast members, because who gives a shit, right? Michelle get those dumb shoulder-angels, so that the other twin can work for a change; Jesse Cochran becomes Jesse Katsopolis, courtesy of Stamos’ Greek heritage (none of those kids looks the slightest bit Greek, by the way, so it seems reasonable to assume that they were all kidnapped from the grocery store); and now Joe can suddenly play hockey, thanks to Dave Coulier being a goddamn Canadian.


  9. Allison says:

    Actually, wasn’t there an earlier ep where all the dads played hockey?


    • hebrewersfan says:

      Good call, in the episode where DJ sneaks the sisters into the movie, all 3 dads play hockey and I remember Jesse getting into an argument with Joey after they get home about Joey taking hockey too seriously. Something along those lines.


  10. How exactly does a goalie kick the ass of the hockey players? Even if he blocks 100% of their shots, I’m not sure that constitutes an “ass kicking”.

    I used to have a big poster of the infamous Bat Boy from the Weekly World News on my wall. I would love to show that to Michelle and see what happens.

    I think Steve came along for the freeway ride because, secretly, he was hoping to die in a gory car crash out of self pity for himself and the lack of nookie he gets from DJ.

    And finally, why was Joey wearing all his gear at home before the game? Wouldn’t it be pretty hard to drive in all of that? Don’t they get dressed in the locker room? Oh, wait, he had to do it in order to propagate the ridiculous plot that you so succinctly summarized: “Seriously, this episode is about how Michelle’s irrational fear of cryptozoological creatures inhibits Joey’s performance at a hockey game.”


  11. Rudy Zoltec says:

    Steve got in the car because DJ said she’d take him to the Stockton Street Tunnel, which is located just shy of Bush Street.

    Geographically speaking, everything I just said is true:


  12. Bri says:

    It took five and a half seasons for Joey to establish an actually interesting character trait. Liking and playing hockey is pretty cool. I kinda hate that Joey has a cool interest.


    • Bullwinkle says:

      You’re horrible for thinking hockey is cooler than cartoons.. horrible. I hope you have your notifications on to see this


  13. Amy says:

    “Seriously, this episode is about how Michelle’s irrational fear of cryptozoological creatures inhibits Joey’s performance at a hockey game. Who pitched that in the writers room?”

    I laughed SO HARD!!


  14. Amber says:

    Doesn’t the chat between Joey & Michelle involve something along the lines of “I said I wouldn’t play like a meanie….but now I’m playing like a weenie….would it be alright if I played like an inbetweenie?” ??? I remember finding the overabundance of “weenies” epically funny as a dumb child.


  15. Navarro says:

    this episode pissed me off. that’s just like steve yzerman intentionally losing game 7 of the stanley cup because his daughter didnt want him to be aggressive. joey cant possible be that sensitive.

    but props to joey for representing the red wings with his jersey! greatest franchise in sports in the last 20 years!


  16. Mario Speedwagon says:

    I’d love to be able to donate and support the site, considering how much enjoyment I get from it each week. Without going into too much detail though, I live pretty far below the poverty line. I mean, there are people much worse off than me here in Australia, after all I do have a roof over my head – but the cost of that roof is $300 per fortnight, and I only earn $490 per fortnight. In Australia, it’s believed that that’s all you need to get by. What a joke.
    So again I’m sorry I can’t provide any financial support to the site, but I will continue to support by reading, commenting and sharing with friends to build up your readership.


  17. smt says:

    anyway to donate other than paypal?


    • smt says:

      also, for what its worth, I followed the direct link from your facebook page and it didn’t have the donate button on it. I had to poke around a bit and go to the blog main page in order to find it.


  18. Sarah Portland says:

    Joey plays hockey. Haven’t we hit the limit on how many characteristics he’s allowed to have?


    • Billy Superstar says:

      i know! i feel like i should have made a bigger deal about what a huge development this is to his character. it’s like 20% of who he is or something.


  19. Ben says:

    Chuck Tatham, one of the co-writers of this episode, eventually redeemed himself by writing for “Arrested Development”.


  20. Corey says:

    Look at the way Joey and Stonewall are dressed during the hockey game. Stonewall is strangely Soviet Union-y, and Joey is all patriotic in the red, white, and blue. Full House gettin’ political up in this bitch.


    • Max says:

      Do you believe in miracles?!?! YES!!!!!!


    • Bubba the Turtle says:

      And true to form, this show misses the boat even on the political front. I’m guessing this aired sometime in 1992 or 1993. By then the Soviet Union had ceased to exist. Even if they were doing a play on the “Miracle on Ice,” by this point it would have been a 12 year old reference.

      It really just fits in with the nature of this show’s references. It seems that most are either instantly dated (like the Laserdisc and Atari Lynx in the last episode) or doomed to eternal pop culture purgatory after appearing on this show (how many Milli Vanilli and George Michael references did they make on this show?)


  21. John says:

    Taking Stonewalls mask off and rearing back to punch him should’ve gotten Joey:

    A. Kicked out of the game

    B. Beaten to a bloody pulp by the other team. Seriously. You don’t go after the goalie. It’s part of The Code


  22. Val says:

    Dave Coulier played hockey when he was young so this episode was his idea, he had been pitching it for a while. All the extras are real players and were his friends in real life. To this day this is one of his favorite episodes. I mean poor guy, he just wanted Joey to not be such a manchild, but at the same time, wasn’t it weird when he had a gf? He’s asexual and void of testosterone like Big Bird. Then you realize Alanis Morrissette wrote You Oughta Know because of him, and it’s like… Shit. Joey inspired those feelings? I cannot deal. It’s a true mindfck, I tell ya.

    Again, I can’t stand Michelle/Mary Kate/Ashley. DJ and Stephanie were at least cute when they were little. Stephanie had actual comedic timing. Then Michelle became the center of the show, like WHY? Mary Kate/Ashley are terrible actors, it’s amazing how they inherited an empire completely by accident. All they had to do to win producers over was stand still (not even be cute!!) and not cry and bam – moguls.

    Michelle is the reason this show sucked. Early seasons had their charm.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Corey says:

      Agreed. Jodie Sweetin was a really impressive child actor. She’s only 5 when the show starts, and it blows me away how articulate and well-timed she is. Apparently, they expected Stephanie to be the break-out star of the show because of her abilities. It truly is astounding that it turned out to be those hideous twins instead.

      The thing that baffles me most about MK&A is how terrible they are at acting. They’ve literally been acting their entire lives. Just by the sheer amount of practice, they should be decent at it. Yet even through their teen and adult years, they have remained the shittiest actors to ever grace the screen. Go YouTube one of their shitty TV movies (like “When In Rome”) and marvel at their dead-eyed expressions and robotic line deliveries. It’s so bad that it’s almost fascinating.

      I have such deep shame for buying into the Mary-Kate and Ashley empire when I was a kid. I never liked Michelle, but I liked all of their outside projects, especially those mystery videos they did.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Lisa says:

      This is so true. Jodie Sweetin was truly talented, and totally got outshone by those weasels. My brother always says the Olsens’ major break in life was being twins. If it hadn’t been for that, they’d be a regular old woman in a 9-5 job now. But simply by being a pair, they got to then be billionaire moguls despite being terrible actors. At least they’ve moved onto fashion and aren’t still foisting their movies on us, but man, talk about falling bass ackwards into good fortune.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. Bridget says:

    I think everyone should rent “Martha Mary” with Lizzie Olsen, the younger sister of MK and Ashley. She is a very good actress and she exudes an inner strength and vulnerability her older sisters do not. She does look like them, but her proportions are normal-looking and she’s quite pretty. Not really movie star gorgeous like Angelina Jolie, but a pretty girl all the same.


  24. Bridget says:

    No, really, they have a younger sister named Elizabeth (Lizzie) Olsen who can act circles around them. I saw her on IMDB and she goes under Elizabeth or Lizzie Olsen.


  25. navarro says:

    If you think Joey spontaneously liking hockey is bad, wait till he suddenly becomes a substitute teacher


  26. navarro says:

    And by the way lizzie Olsen is just like the twins but she has tits….pretty nice ones too


  27. Bridget says:

    I thought “Martha” was an unusual movie and Lizzie took an acting chance her sisters would be incapable of and did a very good job like the other actors did. I also thought she captured the vulnerable, abused characteristics of a violated girl in “Silent House” quite wonderfully as well.


    • navarro says:

      Its not that the olsenss couldn’t do it, its just something she could do. I know you look for any ways to degrade anyone on this show


  28. lovetolaugh says:

    To Billy Superstar:

    I am sure you receive multiple comments like this per day, but seriously, I want to thank you for the work you put into this blog. Every Friday morning, without fail, you make me laugh out loud more than once. That is no easy task. Oftentimes I’ll read something that I think is pretty funny and I’ll smile to myself, or chuckle, but this blog? Tears-streaming-down-face-can-hardly-catch-my-breath laughter.

    Oh and the other nights I read one of the older entries aloud to my brother and sister (the one where you were describing your number 1 worst scene of the show, Michelle’s preschool graduation) and they were laughing there asses off too.

    Thank you for the work you do and for sharing your writing talent and your wit with the public! This blog is a genius creation and I wish I had thought of it. Congrats!


  29. Bridget says:

    I am in agreement 100% with lovetolaugh. The audience probably was drugged to the point that they thought Jesse was a great guy, Michelle was a nice, cute kid, and Joey was funny.


    • navarro says:

      Have you ever thought maybe you’re just so damn stubborn? Or do u just wanna suck the writers dick? Cause its really hard to tell


      • Billy Superstar says:

        navarro, i am calling you out on being an asshole in the comments section. this is not the first time. stop attacking people. it’s not funny, i do not appreciate it and other people don’t, either.


      • navarro says:

        Ok ill stop, I just had a few things I had to get off my mind. but your calling me an asshole for defending people? You’re the one sending death threats to people cause you don’t like their character on a tv show. If u have the right to say what you think, I believe everyone should as well


      • Billy Superstar says:

        i’ve never sent any death threats and i would never actually do anything to physically harm anyone. yes, the tone of this site is primarily negative, but it’s making fun of people who were wildly successful and who have probably have never bothered to look at this site. you’ve been commenting on this site for a while and i appreciate your readership but you have a history of being shitty to other commenters so i finally said something about it. this is a place for people to come together to make fun of a shitty show, not be dicks to each other. i like to think that our dislike of full house brings us all together. i hope you’ll continue to read the site but would really appreciate it if you would refrain from making comments like the one you just made where you said a woman in the comments section wanted to suck someone’s dick. save your nasty comments for dave coulier, please.


      • navarro says:

        You make some good points there. I actually enjoy full house but I also enjoy your reviews, they are pretty funny. and I’ve actually


      • navarro says:

        Told some friends about this site. I have a tendency to speak my mind when I feel something is not right, like calling every child ugly. anyway, ill try not to troll on here anymore and just enjoy the comedy of this parody. sorry for any trouble


      • Billy Superstar says:

        thanks for your nice reply. i’m glad that we could settle that amicably.


  30. Amy says:

    This is a fantastic tribute to everyone’s favorite lame sitcom.


  31. tageslicht says:

    “Seriously, this episode is about how Michelle’s irrational fear of cryptozoological creatures inhibits Joey’s performance at a hockey game. Who pitched that in the writers room?”

    Best part of the review. LOL


  32. Kenny says:

    My father died last year in July and its been very difficult since then thanks for making me laugh my ass off with these reviews I love it!


  33. amanda says:

    is anyone else surprised that joey went to college?


  34. Alison says:

    I’m sure no one will ever read this but I just needed to point out that Binkley’s hockey mask is a BRICK wall. Not a stone wall. I’m pretty upset that the full house writers thought I’d be too dumb to know the difference.


  35. Appleteeny says:

    This episode always pissed me the ever-living fuck off, simply because of Michelle. Then again, Michelle pisses me off in every episode, so I’m not sure how I’m able to say that one episode pisses me off more than another. Anyway, it REALLY aggravates me how that little twat-waffle gets the whole. fucking. family. to give in to her every whim. Oh, poor widdle baby is scared of Joey? Fuck, we’re all scared of Joey, but damnit, we suck it up and move on!

    Liked by 1 person

  36. Samantha says:

    in the early episodes that mannequin joey had would wear hockey gear all the time.


  37. Lisa says:

    You know the guy who played Stonewall? Well he’s a FOX Sports commentator now, and this is an incredibly strange interview he did with Matthew Perry. I … don’t even know what to say.


  38. Martin Tanner's Ghost says:

    “Jesse announces Joey’s hockey game even though he has a cartoonish lack of knowledge about the sport, including having to look into his guidebook to identify that they are playing with a puck. Man, sometimes this shit with Jesse really gets to me. Like if I see him suck at his job or treat his wife like shit one more time I’m just gonna start crying. Think of all the unemployed people out there who are willing to work hard. It’s just not right.”

    Word, brother. I have been trying to find a job since graduating college three months ago. I’m not unemployed, but I hardly consider a part time, minimum wage gig as a “job.” And this mooching grease monkey Elvis fetishist gets handed all these nice jobs left and right and he doesn’t even have his GED? It makes me want to sob my ghostly self to sleep every night.


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