Pre-Credits Gag: The twins play football.
Two cool girls from Stephanie’s school show up at the full house, both of whom are named Jennifer, which is probably more of a rip-off than an homage to Heathers. Also, one of the Jennifers is Topanga!
The Jennifers think that the twins are girls, which leads to Becky bringing up that she wants them to get haircuts. Jesse has some weird fixation with hair so he’s squeamish at the prospect but Joey mentions his uncle Jasper who has a kid-friendly hair salon nearby. Yeah, sure, I’ll buy it. 6 Seasons in, Joey’s uncle Jasper, owner of a hair salon for kids. There was never any reason to mention that before. Sure, why not? Anyway, Jesse insists on cutting the twins’ hair himself because it’s clearly an opportunity for him to be terrible at something and ruin it for everyone.
Just as Stephanie and Michelle are sitting down for a tea party, the Jennifer’s show up at their door. Oh! What’s more humiliating than getting caught playing tea party by the cool kids? Stephanie tries to take Michelle aside and explain that she can’t be seen fraternizing with some stupid troll faced baby so she has to get the fuck out of the room until the Jennifer’s leave. Michelle totally disregards Stephanie’s words and refuses to leave until Stephanie pleads with her and promises to include her the next time something important happens. Left to her own devices, Michelle straight up actually says, “Who can I bother?” before heading off to DJ’s room. What an odd, self-aware moment!
The Jennifer’s screen Stephanie for cool interests, including shaving their legs and watching Arsenio. Man, these girls sound fun! Stephanie shows them her new earrings and they realize that Stephanie only wears clip-ons. They say that not having pierced ears is totally lame and immature so Stephanie assures them they she’ll be getting her ears pierced at the mall that very weekend.
Stephanie’s goes into DJ’s room and interrupts the study session she’s having with Steve and Kimmie Gibbler to ask if DJ will take her to the mall to get her ears pierced. DJ says that she needs Danny’s permission to get it done and they both agree that he’s too big a fucking square to let Stephanie get her ears pierced while she’s still in the 5th grade. DJ walks Steve to the door as he leave for wrestling practice and then, after they’re left alone, Kimmie Gibbler offers to pierce Stephanie’s ears herself using her brother’s ear-gun.
Jesse sits down to cut the twins hair but Danny keeps interrupting him with stories of shitty haircuts his dad gave him until Jesse eventually decides to take the kids to Joey’s uncle Jasper. Stephanie comes downstairs and tries to trick Danny into agreeing to let her get her ears pierced but he points out that DJ had to wait until Junior High to get her ears pierced so she does, too. Stephanie’s says that Danny is being unfair and asks him how she’ll ever be cool if she can’t get her ears pierced. Newsflash, kid, you could pierce whatever you want, you’re still gonna be a fuckin’ square. Every aspect of your personality and lifestyle is deeply uncool.
Stephanie brings Kimmie Gibbler up to her room for some at-home ear piercing. They try to kick Michelle out of their room but are forced to let her stay when she reminds Stephanie of the deal they made to include her the next time something important happened. Kimmie Gibbler prepares to use the ear-gun as dramatic music plays, which makes for a pretty tense pre-commercial break cliffhanger.
So we don’t actually get to see Stephanie’s ears get pierced because it happened during the commercial break, which isn’t much of a surprised on a g-rated family program like this one. What is surprising is how hard Kimmie Gibbler is rockin’ that super tight dress. Damn, Kimmie Gibbler, your body’s hecka slammin’!
Stephanie freaks out when she finds out that she can’t take her earrings out for 6 weeks so there’s no good way to hide them from Danny. Way to plan ahead, genius! Danny comes in right then and Stephanie does sit-ups to keep her hands held over her ears but it’s not like he would have noticed her pierced ears, anyway. Not when Kimmie Gibbler’s standing there in that tight, tight dress. Seriously, Kimmie Gibbler, how’d your mom let you outta the house in that?
Stephanie does her hair up like Princess Leia so Danny wont see her ears and then she does an amazingly bad job of making up a lie about why she’s sporting the hairstyle. Danny leaves the kitchen and then Stephanie’s shows Michelle that her ears are getting all fucked up and infected but she makes her pinky swear not to tell Danny.
Becky and Jesse take the twins to the barber shop and it turns out that Jasper is played by…Dave Coulier. But why? Did a guest star back out? Or did Dave Coulier want to do something beyond the extraordinarily limited tv persona he’d created for himself? If so, he sure doesn’t do it here, because Jasper is just Joey doing another lame voice while wearing a cheap wig and mustache.
Jesse interrogates Jasper about his credentials as he continues his personal struggle over the twins getting their first haircut. He finally agrees to put them in the barber chairs and then Becky starts flipping out. Jesse pulls her aside and actually points out that he’s the one that always acts like a ridiculous weirdo, not her, but then she launches into this whole thing about how haircuts begin an inevitable spiral towards them growing up. They eventually pull their shit together and then it turns out that Jasper was able to cut both of the twins’ hair during the 2-minute long discussion. Cut to close-ups of the twins’ new haircuts while the audience goes, “aww.”
Michelle tells DJ about Stephanie’s fucked up ears and then DJ goes into Stephanie’s room and interrogates her while groping and pulling on her ears. I guess she’s supposed to be concernedly investigating but it seems pretty clear that Stephanie’s ears are infected and I don’t know why she has to keep touching them like that.
Anyway, DJ makes Stephanie tell Danny and he gets all pissed off. Stephanie’s says that it sucks a big dick that she can’t get her ears pierced just because DJ had to wait and that she wants to be treated like an individual. The music comes on as Danny explains that she wasn’t being an individual because she was just doing what some bitchy girls told her to in a pathetic attempt to be popular. Damn, way to make a good point for once! Danny and Stephanie hug and then he takes her to the doctor.