Season 6, Episode 12, “A Very Tanner Christmas”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle wants to put an enormous stocking up for herself above the fireplace.  That’s right, motherfuckers, it’s Christmas at the full house!

Jesse sprays fake snow on the back door’s window panes in an attempt to ease Becky’s sadness over having Christmas in California, where it does not snow.  Wow, that’s, like, the most effort he’s ever put into their marriage.  DJ comes in with Steve and asks him to tell her the big important news that he has.  He reveals that he got into Daytona Beach University in Florida, which DJ is less than thrilled about because it’s so far away and also a pretty shitty sounding school.

As Danny and Joey bring in the Christmas tree, Becky reminisces about the white Christmases of her youth in Nebraska and then Stephanie and Michelle start going on and on about all the presents they want.  Jesse is affected by their rampant consumerism and tries to explain to them that there’s more to the holidays than just getting presents, then he tells them that he’s just thought of the perfect gift for them.

The next scene opens on Christmas morning at the full house.  Danny complains about how Vicky can’t be there because she’s covering the elections in Sweden and then Stephanie and Michelle get up Jesse’s ass about what their special gift is.  Jesse tells them that it’s not ready yet and then Danny explains to them that it will show them the real meaning of Christmas.  There is then some exposition about the Christmas party they’re going to be having at the full house later, where Joey is going to play the part of Santa. Lots of set-ups here, you guys.

Steve comes over to exchange gifts with DJ.  She gives him a really expensive jacket and he gets her a sweatshirt from his new college.  She throws the sweatshirt down and runs up to her room like she’s 5 years old but actually maybe you can’t even really blame her because that is a real rub-your-face-in-shit kind of a gift.

Steve follows DJ up to her room and asks what the big fuckin’ problem is.  She says that she’s worried about the future of their relationship since he’s going to be moving so far away but he says it’s no big deal because they can still never have sex no matter where he lives.  DJ starts talking shit about the dumb party school that Steve got into and then he accuses her of buying him an expensive jacket for Christmas as a means of bribing him into staying, which makes the audience go, “oooh!”  They both get all pissed off and then Steve leaves in a huff and I can’t help but be surprised that the Christmas episode would revolve around DJ and Steve having a shitty breakup.  Also, how come they never talked before about what would happen when he left for college?

At the Christmas party, DJ gifts the twins with snow globes, which makes Becky even more nostalgic for the white Christmases of her youth.  Kimmie Gibbler comes over and tries to comfort DJ’s post-breakup status by bringing the entire wrestling team over to railroad her.

Danny makes eggnog in the kitchen while singing a song to himself about how sad he is that Vicky isn’t around and then Jesse comes home with Stephanie and Michelle.  The girls explain to Danny that Jesse’s special gift to them was a visit to a homeless shelter where they did volunteer work.  Gentle music plays as the girls describe their eye-opening experience, which might make you more empathetic to the plight of the homeless if you ever actually saw any homeless people.  Danny tells the girls that he’s proud of them and that if more people helped out like they did, the world would be a better place.  So, thanks, Full House, for reminding us of the plight of the needy without making us have to actually look at them, because that would have been unpleasant.  Seriously, I think that this has to be the most fucking patronizing and misguided special lesson of them all.   I honestly can’t think of a worse way to spread awareness about the importance of helping the needy than to show a bunch of rich white people sitting around their kitchen talking about it.

DJ strikes out with all the guys on the wrestling team because she can’t stop talking about Steve and then Kimmie Gibbler tries to swoop in on the action but the only person who will make out with her is the dog.  Man, I’m tired of the terrible treatment that my homegirl KG receives at the full house every week.  She’s the only tolerable character on the whole show and yet everyone treats her like shit.  I’d make out with you, Kimmie Gibbler, and I’d even tell all of my friends about it afterwards.

Danny takes DJ into the kitchen for a very special talk about her relationship with Steve.  He tells her that long-distance relationships can work out sometimes, just like the one he has with Vicky, and never once mentions that she’s only like 16 years old and there’s no chance in hell that their relationship is ever going to last.  I guess it’s cool to be a supportive dad and everything but I think that this would be a good time to drop some real-world knowledge for once.  He does call her out on trying to buy Steve’s love with that expensive jacket, though, which is better than nothing.

DJ fails to get reach Steve on the phone and then the scene is interrupted by the announcement that Joey has come out in his Santa outfit.  A ring at the doorbell reveals a second Santa, who immediately starts kissing Danny on the mouth.  Has Danny finally come out of the closet for Christmas?  It’s a holiday miracle!

The sensual Santa removes his beard to reveal an even bigger beard, Vicky.  She tries to make sense of why she would arrive unannounced in a Santa costume but there’s really no justifying such a forced reveal.

DJ approaches who she assumes is the Joey Santa and starts talking about all of her regrets about being such a rotten bitch to Steve but then Joey Santa emerges from the other end of the living room.  Everyone wonders who the extra Santa is and then it turns out to be Steve, who has apparently been walking around the party incognito and observing everyone’s ridiculous holiday drama.

Steve explains that walking around the full house in a Santa costume was the only way for him to be able to talk to DJ, which makes even less sense than Vicky’s explanation for why she showed up in a Santa costume.  He and DJ make up and then he tells her that he’s not going to go to the school in Florida and will attend junior college in town instead, which is just the latest example of the fundamental lesson of Full House: everything will be ok just as long as everyone gets everything they want all the time.  Way to plan your life around your frigid teenage girlfriend, Steve!

Jesse tells Becky that he has one last surprise for her and then he takes her to the backyard, which he’s filled with snow somehow.  An even bigger miracle than his ability to control the climate in the backyard is the fact that he actually put any effort into doing something thoughtful for his wife for once.  It’s truly a Christmas miracle!  The denizens of the full house frolic in the snow out back while all the extras at the party stand around on the porch watching them and a terrible contemporary rendition of “Winter Wonderland” plays.  Merry fucking Christmas, assholes!