Pre-Credits Gag: Michelle teaches the twins how to sweep. The terrible little pants in this scene reminded me that I don’t spend nearly enough time criticizing the outfits on this show. To be fair, I’ve been watching this shit for years now, you guys. Years! Sometimes I can’t even see it anymore, and that is a truly terrifying thing to know about myself.
Danny prepares a complex meal that he refers to as “turkey in a boot” for what’s-her-name in commemoration of him making it for her on their first date. It’s the middle of the day, though, so I guess he’s just gonna reheat it later or something. All the kids come home and Stephanie has her friend from the baseball team, Josh, with her. Kimmie Gibbler takes her shoes off and everyone complains about her stinky feet, including Danny, who asks her to, “think about the ozone.” Why is that such a timely reference? It’s weird that you never really hear about the ozone layer anymore. Did it get better? I guess environmentalists just gave up on it and moved on to organic food or something.
Josh asks Stephanie if she wants to go get pizza with him later and then it turns out that Steve and DJ are the only ones available to give them a ride. The boys conveniently leave the scene so the girls can all have an exchange where DJ and Kimmie Gibbler point out to Stephanie that she’s about to go out on her first date. Stephanie tries to downplay the situation but DJ assures her that Josh totally wants it, which makes Stephanie nervous.
Joey and Jesse perform a routine on their radio show called, “The Cartoons of Our Lives,” which is basically a mock radio drama with Joey doing all the voices as terrible impressions of cartoon characters. What the fuck is this? I thought that these guys were supposed to be playing popular music for their audience. I can’t think of anything I would hate to listen to more when I’m stuck in traffic than what they are doing here. If I was stuck in a car and I had to listen to this, I am absolutely positive that I would actually kill myself.
To top it off, Jesse performs an advertisement for a clothing store and suggests that if women can’t find the proper fit there, they should lose some weight. Yeah, that’s right, plus-sized radio listeners! Go fuck yourselves! Joey gets all nervous when their boss, Alison, shows up outside of the booth because apparently he wants to bang her. See, I told y’all that that’s what would happen if she was ever on the show again! What other storyline could there ever be for a woman boss? Also, I can’t believe that I didn’t catch last time that she’s played by OG MTV VJ Martha Quinn. Thanks, comments section! Anyway, Joey gets all nervous and starts knocking shit over.
Alison comes into the studio and tells Jesse that it was insensitive to tell their female listeners to lose weight. OH MY GOD SOMEBODY CALLED JESSE OUT ON HIS STUPID BULLSHIT! IT’S A MIRACLE! I’m surprised that they didn’t reserve such an occasion for the Christmas episode last week. It’s way more surprising than Jesse making it snow in the backyard. Alison is officially my favorite character ever now.
Jesse refuses to take any blame for his shitty comments or for being a generally terrible person who treats women like garbage and then Joey invites Alison over to dinner, leaving the argument to be continued at the full house. Alison excuses herself and then Joey pleads with Jesse to prove that he can be respectful towards women during the dinner so that he can fuck her. Makes sense.
Stephanie buys some stupid teen magazine and reads a bunch of rules about first dates to DJ and Kimmie Gibbler. Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler talk hella shit to each other as Stephanie reads a bunch of idealistic dating tips that will inevitably lead to disappointment. I think that magazines for teenage girls are probably the only thing that are as equally fucked up in the real world as they are in the full house universe.
Stephanie gets all dressed up for her date with Josh but he seems pretty disinterested in her romantically. Or at least ambivalent. Josh is a very nuanced character and it’s a little bit difficult to get a clear read on his subtle emotions. Anyway, DJ and Steve take them to some pizza place where Steve immediately starts eating stray leftover pizza that he finds on a table. Damn, Steve’s obsessive eating is starting to be on par with Danny’s obsessive cleaning, or Joey’s obsessive general behavior that makes you want to punch him in his stupid face. I think that Steve’s incessant eating must be an outlet for his sexual frustration. Anyway, Stephanie forces Josh to sit with her in a booth with Steve and DJ and then DJ tells her to fuck off. DJ pulls Stephanie aside and Stephanie starts talking about that stupid magazine article again and how the date has to be perfect and that she needs DJ to direct her. They go back to the booth and Stephanie tries to follow DJ’s lead, which leads to wacky mishaps.
He’s been making a lot of fumbling mistakes because he’s so nervous around her, but that still doesn’t really explain how he manages to throw salad all over her like that. Moments later, Joey heads over to the oven to pull out Danny’s turkey in a boot, and guess what happens? No, seriously, you’ll never guess where this is going!
Joey drops the turkey in a boot! Right on the floor! Danny is crushed, and apologizes to Vicky for the misfortune, stating that, “I know turkey in a boot is your favorite meal.” Where’d he get that from? Just because he made it for her one time? She clarifies that she doesn’t even like it, which makes the whole scenario pretty hilarious. Seriously, what a self-absorbed asshole. Not only did he never realize that she was only humoring him by saying that she liked it, but he actually decided that it must be her very favorite food.
Michelle, who for some reason doesn’t seem to get to eat dinner this evening, comes downstairs and starts telling Alison about how Joey said that he “has the hots” for her. I think I mentioned this recurring routine a few reviews ago, where either Stephanie or Michelle brazenly repeats something that they clearly aren’t supposed to, much to someone else’s humiliation, and we’re all supposed to think it’s cute. Well, here it is again. Anyway, Alison is forced to recognize that her seemingly-asexual employee actually invited her over so he could bang her so she makes a quick attempt to excuse herself.
Jesse stops Alison on her way out and insists that she gives Joey a second chance. Doesn’t this constitute sexual harassment? Not only did her employee try to trick her into a date with him, but now her other employee is doing whatever he can to prevent her from gracefully exiting the situation. Anyway, Jesse makes a big point about what a great guy Joey is and then, astonishingly, Alison responds by telling Jesse that she misjudged him before by reacting poorly to his constant shitty behavior and that, after being pressured into dating his unfuckable idiot friend, she now sees what a great guy Jesse is. What the fuck is this? Is Jesse some sort of hypnotist? Or maybe this is another example of the full house breaking down the will of some poor, unsuspecting woman, like it did with Rebecca Donaldson. Either way, I can no longer claim that Alison is my favorite character.
Joey enters the scene and then the music comes on as he apologizes for his inappropriate conduct and then Alison lets him down easy with the ol’ “I just got out of a bad relationship” excuse. Despite its many flaws, I’m glad that this storyline at least acknowledged in some way how unappealing Joey is to women.
Stephanie then plants one on Josh, who quickly wipes his mouth off and asks her, “what’d you do that for?” Ooh, burn! Stephanie runs upstairs in shame and then DJ follows after her for a very special talk, which wakes up Michelle. As DJ and Stephanie recount the incident, Michelle has another incredible line reading where you can actually see her being prompted. She asks Stephanie, “You kissed a boy?” and then she sort of sits blankly for a few seconds while the off-stage baby wrangler feeds her the next line, at which point she makes a disgusted expression and says, “ew, cooties!” Truly inspired! Anyway, the music comes on for the second time in like 3 minutes as DJ tells Stephanie that she shouldn’t go chasin’ waterfalls, and should stick to the rivers and the lakes that she’s used to, because although she’s going to have it her way or nothing at all, DJ thinks she’s moving too fast. Then they all hug.