Season 6, Episode 16, “The Heartbreak Kid”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle has her friend over and they jump on her bed.  What was this kids name again?  I can’t remember at all.  They introduced her twice on the show already.  Damn, I can’t remember her name for the life of me, and they never say it.  You know, she’s the kid that replaced Teddy.  Anyway, they jump on the bed.

Steve gives Michelle a Valentine’s Day cookie and then she gets a huge boner for him.  DJ and Kimmie Gibbler encourage this for some reason, I guess because they think it’s cute.

Meanwhile, Stephanie helps Jesse with his new computer, which is surprisingly modern looking.  This might actually be one of the first instances of a kids-helping-adults-use-computers premise on a tv show, which probably makes it the most innovative work the writers have ever done.  There aren’t any remarkable jokes or observations or anything as Stephanie guides Jesse through DOS programming, but at least we’re not seeing some recycled rendition of something we’ve already seen a million times before on a million better tv shows.

In order to strengthen their codependent relationship, Danny helps Joey clean out his closet.  While they’re sorting through piles of useless crap, Danny finds an old picture of his high school girlfriend with an inscription written to Joey that heavily implies that they were hittin’ skins.  As Danny begins a pointed interrogation with Joey, Michelle abruptly walks in and asks Danny what you should do when you love someone.  Without any question as to where this is coming from, Danny explains that when you love someone, you start a relationship with them and then if it goes well, you get married.  Michelle thanks him for the information and then walks out of the room, leaving Joey and Danny to continue their argument as if there wasn’t a completely random interlude shoehorned into the middle of it.  Danny remains determined to know if Joey stole his old girlfriend and Joey refuses to give him a straight answer.

Michelle asks Steve to marry him and he and DJ decide to go along with it because she’s just a dumb little kid who doesn’t know anything so it’s funny to toy with her emotions.

Michelle tells her friend whose name I can’t remember that she’s going to marry Steve and assures her that it is not pretend, it is a for reals wedding.  Seriously, what the fuck is this kids name?  They never say it once.

Anyway, the girls ask Becky about how a wedding is thrown and she shows them photos from her wedding album.  I kept expecting Becky to have an epiphany about what a horrible piece of shit she married as she looked through the book but then I remembered that it’s too late for her.  It has been for a long time now. The girls then head upstairs to ask Jesse about weddings and he tells them about honeymoons, which leads to a lot of sexual innuendos.  There used to be a lot more of this type of humor in the earlier Seasons but it’s kind of gone away as the show has become more bland and family-friendly, so it’s kind of nice to see some jokes about fucking again.  Anyway, Jesse shoos the girls away so he can get back to his computer work but then he discovers that the twins have erased his file.  Oh, computers!

So Danny straight-up calls his old high school girlfriend and asks her if she banged Joey.  Wouldn’t that be your greatest nightmare if you’d ever fooled around with Joey?  Like the act itself wasn’t already traumatizing enough, you have to get a random phone call 20 years later just to remind you about it.  So the twist is that she admits that she was fuckin’ around with Joey, but she only used both of them to make Jesse jealous, because that’s who she was really into.  Not only does that sound like the biggest coincidence in history, but it’s also pretty fucked up considering that Jesse is about 5 years younger than these guys.  So assuming they were all like 17 at the time, Jesse would have been about 12.  Don’t get me wrong, I’d probably pick 12 year old Jesse over 17 year old Danny or Joey, too, but even still.  Eww.

Jesse comes downstairs and gets Stephanie to retrieve his lost report and when she does there’s a close-up of it and it’s actually not that bad.  There are a few typos but it’s still outstanding writing compared to any of the writing on Full House or anything you’d imagine that Jesse would be capable of composing.  My guess is that some intern wrote it.

DJ and Steve come home and then Michelle’s friend whose name I can’t remember comes in and tells them all that it’s time for the wedding.  Everyone decides that it’s a really cute idea so they all play along.  Michelle comes down in a white dress with a table cloth draped behind her while the audience goes, “aww,” and then there’s a brief ceremony.

After it’s over, Steve’s like, “I gotta get home because my mom’s making meatloaf” but then Michelle tells him that he can’t leave because they’re married now.  Danny tried to explain that the wedding was just pretend but Michelle’s like, “hell naw, muthafucka.  Steve’s my husband now, no joke.”  At this point I kind of expected everyone to agree that since Michelle wants them to be married that they really had to be because that’s pretty much how everything has gone down throughout the whole series but for once they actually tell Michelle that her idea is bullshit.  Well, first they try to coax her out of the idea with reasoning, like that she’d have to move away from her family if she got married, but she just points out that Jesse stayed in the full house when he got married.  Finally, some concrete evidence about how damaging that was for the children!  Things get pretty Twilight Zoney as the family tries to convince Michelle that the wedding was just for shits and giggles and she willfully denies what they’re saying but then the music comes on so she’s able to understand that the wedding was just pretend.  She gets really upset and throws her flowers down and runs upstairs, which was pretty funny.

Danny goes up to Michelle’s room and explains to her that she’s just a dumb ugly 6 year old who doesn’t even understand what love is.  The music comes on as Danny admits that sometimes it’s hard to remember that little kids have real feeling because everything they do is so stupid and trivial, then he reminds her that Steve is DJ’s man so she better back the fuck off.  Next he explains that one day when she’s a grown-up she’ll meet some rad guy and she’ll get married for reals, and I was kind of hoping that he’d say that her husband might die tragically and suddenly and she’ll be forced to raise her kids with a couple of worthless pieces of shit, but I guess that’s a given.

Finally, DJ and Steve come in and apologize for messing with Michelle’s mind.  Michelle tells them that it’ll be fine as long as they buy her some pizza.  Yeah, that always works on me, too.

Remember that episode a few Seasons back that was all about Stephanie pretending to marry her friend because she wasn’t getting enough attention from her family?  This was even more fucked up somehow.  It also draws attention to how much of a better performer 6 year old Stephanie was than 6 year old Michelle.  Actually, contrasting the two episodes does a pretty good job overall of exhibiting how much worse the show has gotten over the years.  Man, I remember shitting all over that Stephanie getting married episode back in the day.  I had no idea what was coming.  How naive I was.  How young and hopeful and naive.

 

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80 Responses to Season 6, Episode 16, “The Heartbreak Kid”

  1. bill says:

    searching snippets of the essay yields various essay sites. in different versions, some sentences appear and some don’t. kind of weird. ex: http://www.essaytown.com/paper/arthur-millers-death-salesman-central-character-13726

    Like

  2. penny says:

    Denise.:-)

    And yes, I always thought Jodie Sweetin was the only one on that show with any talent. Which isn’t saying much, but still.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bri says:

      Stephanie was better than most, except that she couldn’t keep a straight face, and then when she got older, she lost all the skill she’d previously had. I’d say Aunt Becky wasn’t too bad comparatively, and some of the minor characters (Aaron Bailey, and Kimmie, if you can consider her really minor).

      Like

  3. SZA says:

    Denise was wonderful – pretty much the only enjoyable part of the show during those later seasons. I always wondered what happened to her, she was genuinely funny on camera, which is pretty unusual for a child actor.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ginny says:

      I saw her in a proactive commercial not too long ago. I think she’s done an episode of Grey’s Anatomy too. She grew up beautiful though.

      Like

    • Alex Kawa says:

      Jurnee Smollett, Denise’s actress, acted in “On Our Own,” a short-lived TV series that aired concurrently with the 8th season of “Full House.”

      Like

  4. hebrewersfan says:

    “it’s also pretty fucked up considering that Jesse is about 5 years younger than these guys. So assuming they were all like 17 at the time, Jesse would have been about 12”

    this completely blew my mind, I’d ask how the writers missed this, but then I realized what show we’re dealing with here.

    Like

    • rmc says:

      I thought it was hilarious when it was brought up that Jesse kicked Danny’s ass when Danny married Pam, because that meant that 19-year-old Danny was beat up by a 14-year-old Jesse. Shit, I’m laughing about it right now.

      Like

  5. CaulkRocket says:

    I think Michelle’s friend should be referred to as “Girl Teddy” from now on.

    Like

  6. Bridget says:

    Billy, you’re sounding like Uncle Jesse when he couldn’t remember Lannie, his drummer in the Rippers! The differences with the “weddings” were glaring. Six year old Stephanie had bridesmaids and even a minister who called it “holy mattress money.”. Harry wore a suit and the kids played the wedding march on kazoos. Six year old Michelle had no human guests unlike Stephanie’s wedding and her groom thought they were playing a game.

    Like

  7. Karen says:

    The more that I read these reviews, the more that I realize that DJ and Becky are pretty awesome and…the end. That’s it. Oh, and Steve and Kimmy are great, too, for people who don’t live in the Full House.

    Like

  8. Teebore says:

    Michelle asks Steve to marry him and he and DJ decide to go along with it because she’s just a dumb little kid who doesn’t know anything so it’s funny to toy with her emotions.

    Man, what is wrong with these people?

    Wouldn’t that be your greatest nightmare if you’d ever fooled around with Joey?

    Ha! That one almost made me spit out my cereal, I laughed so hard.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’d probably pick 12 year old Jesse over 17 year old Danny or Joey, too

    Probably? There’s no probably about it.

    My guess is that some intern wrote it.

    Frankly, I’m impressed they even bothered to put that much detail into it.

    Everyone decides that it’s a really cute idea so they all play along.

    Seriously, what is wrong with these people?

    At this point I kind of expected everyone to agree that since Michelle wants them to be married that they really had to be

    My god, that would have been awesome.

    How young and hopeful and naive.

    You know how when someone gets elected president, they come out of their term(s) looking exponentially older than they really are because of all the stress? I think that’s happening to you. By the time you finish this up, you’ll have aged, like, twenty years.

    Like

  9. lovetolaugh says:

    I actually don’t think there’s anything wrong with DJ and Steve and all of them for playing along with it, she’s like 6-years-old and besides Denise, no one knew she was serious about it. I would think it was cute if my little sis wanted to fake marry my boyfriend.

    Words cannot describe how sick to my stomach I feel any time this show alludes to Joey having had a girlfriend and/or having engaged in sexual activity of any kind. Just …. there are no words. What’s his idea of foreplay, watching a fucking taped Yogi Bear marathon? Role-playing as Popeye and Olive Oyl?

    I need to wash my brain out with soap.

    Like

    • penny says:

      Yet according to Alanis, someone will go down on him in a theater. Ick.

      And I’d almost believe it with the woman wanting Jesse over Danny and Joey. Remember that one where they are kids and like a five-year-old Jesse is being chased around the playground while ten-year-old Danny sits with a nosebleed and ten-year-old Joey makes funny animal noises? Yeah, Jesse was always a stud, and probably would’ve been like that 13-year-old who married his teacher if this weren’t a family show.;-)

      Like

  10. Lauren says:

    The girl is Denise, and she’s one of the more successful actors to come out of Full House. She did the last two seasons of Friday Night Lights and she was great, not to mention gorgeous. I was in absolute shock when I realized (after a few episodes of FNL) that she was the little girl from Full House.

    Like

  11. Bridget says:

    The girl who was Denise was in her very own movie “Eve’s Bayou.”. She was a young girl whose doctor-father portrayed by Samuel L. Jackson was cheating on his wife and she used Voodoo to kill him. It sounds like a trashy movie on the Syfy channel or Chiller, but it was actually a drama and this girl did quite well as Eve.

    Like

  12. V Langs says:

    Denise is played by Jurnee Smollett who actually has a pretty successful career being in Friday Night Lights and Grey’s Anatomy and the like.

    She usually plays the “smart & nerdy” black girl in whatever she does. Yes she’s type cast

    Like

  13. Kayla says:

    I went back and watched a clip from the episode where Stephanie marries Harry because I thought this one sounded really similar. Stephanie was also 6, and Harry says he has to go because it is meatloaf night. They couldn’t have come up with a different food, at least? Jeez.

    Like

    • The Venerable Bede says:

      Oh my gosh, that’s hilarious! I’d wonder if they did that on purpose as a reference, but I won’t give the Full House writers that much credit.

      Like

  14. Melissa says:

    Denise and that little smart ass white kid were my favorite characters in this train wreck. I like Teddy, but he was a little too white bread for me. What the fuck was that smart ass white kids name?

    Like

  15. Bridget says:

    Aaron Bailey from “Pet Sematary.”. Here is a weird fact: Ellie Creed, Gage’s big sister was played by identical twin girls, Blaze and Beau Berdahl. Ellie got on my nerves and I wanted her to get smushed by the truck.

    Like

  16. taylor says:

    They actually do say her name in the episode. When Michelle is talking to Becky about the wedding, Becky says “Oh you’ll get married someday” or something like that and Denise says “Someday?!” and Michelle turns to her and quietly says “Denise!” as in “STFU!” 🙂

    Like

  17. I can’t believe I fell 4 episodes behind! Damn all this damage from “Super Storm Sandy” – it’s caused me to actually have to do some work, even on Fridays.

    Great write up, and awesome catch on how old Jermsey would have been when this high school girlfriend was lusting after him. I’m sure it didn’t even occur to the writers. She must have wanted him pretty bad to let Joey defile her. Yikes!

    See you next week! Promise!

    Like

  18. Jimmy says:

    OMG THE SHAWN MICHAELS EPISODE waitwut

    Like

  19. Bridget says:

    The thing that surprised me about “Pet Sematary” was the fact that Fred Gwynne who played Jud Crandall, a nice enough old man befriends the Creed family and he turns out to be the villain, while Brad Greenquist who played the disgusting looking ghost, Victor Pascow was the hero of the story. They should have Jesse or Joey up all night watching a Stephen King marathon and the nightmare would be the Olsen twins as the doomed little girls like in “The Shining,” Stephanie as “Firestarter” Charlie McGee, DJ as Carrie White, and Comet as Cujo.

    Like

  20. Kelly says:

    Also!! I am nearly positive that Henry leaves THE Stephanie wedding because his mom is making meatloaf and he fucking loves meatloaf!!! I bet the writers are just a bunch of meatloaf eating creeps who never dated because they assumed no one could make meatloaf like their mom’s so they wrote it into the fake weddings that the groom would ALWAYS leave the bride for meatloaf. MEATLOAF!!

    And Billy, I’ve never commented before, but thank you for this site and thank you for putting into words exactly what my brain was experiencing whenever I’ve watched this show.

    Like

  21. JimmyUndertree says:

    I was thinking about doing a blog like this for Hey Arnold!

    What’re your thoughts Billy?

    Like

    • Corey says:

      I would definitely read your blog! But I hope it would be more good-natured snark, because Hey Arnold was a legitimately good show.

      Like

      • JimmyUndertree says:

        I feel/felt the same way. But it does suffer from a lot of the same flaws like sudden plot resolvers, and definitely episodes that spend the entire time teaching something…only to have the character who was supposed to be taught something flip the bird at the end of it (the episode Rhonda became poor…Stoop Kid, etc.)

        Like

  22. andrea love says:

    I used to love this show growing up but I love this blog. Some funny shit. Keep up the great work. I come here first thing on Friday mornings.

    Like

  23. Bridget says:

    I come here on Fridays, too!

    Like

  24. Bridget says:

    My people, there is a blog called “You Miss Your Old Familiar Friends” and the author calls Michelle Ugsnot and Stephanie Meth

    Like

  25. Christian says:

    You know I never thought much of Steve back when this show was on. He was just there. But looking back at this episode through those pics, I gotta admit that he was actually a pretty good looking kid. What the hell was he doing with DJ?! You know a guy that cute had to have been banging every chick at school behind DJ’s back.

    Like

  26. The Venerable Bede says:

    Ew, what is up with Michelle in that fifth screencap? *shudders*

    Like

  27. The Venerable Bede says:

    I think the Death of a Salesman paper (which, you were right, is surprisingly well-written) is alluding to the fact that Jersey is going to follow in Willy Loman’s footsteps and eventually kill himself over his own failures. Oh, if only.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. e_x_i_t says:

    I’m surprised that they even bothered to show the computer screen, let alone have an actual essay written, since they could have just had him say “Oh look at that, you fixed it Stephanie, you really aren’t that worthless!” My guess would be that one of the girls really had an essay due for school or some shit and they decided to use it, because I just can’t imagine them having someone write an entire essay.

    Like

  29. Megan says:

    aww poor Michelle she actually thought that Steve was gonna marry her . well she’s just a kid and every kid thinks like that.

    Like

  30. Laney says:

    I can’t be the only one who thought Denise was annoying? I hated the way she talked and her hair got on my nerves. Maybe I am just mean 😦

    Like

  31. Penny says:

    You are not mean; Denise was definitely annoying. She always made smartmouthed comments that weren’t funny- just bratty- and her hair was a rat’s nest. Michelle’s previous BFF, Teddy, was adorable.

    Like

  32. Rachel says:

    Why is the framed rabbit up in the attic room?

    I guess since the kids threw a fit about Jesse taking down the rabbit wallpaper and he went through the trouble of framing that single rabbit for them, he just straight up took it when he made a home for himself upstairs?

    I swear to God that rabbit moves on its own. Wandering around the house. Haunted by the spirit of the dead mother.

    She is restless.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Nukegrrrl says:

    I remember watching this episode when it first aired, and my reaction to it. It seemed very dubious to me that Joey would know how to spell “souvenir,” would legibly label a box of souvenirs, or would actually organize his belongings into storage receptacles of any kind.

    Like

  34. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    Keeping in mind that this is the same family that allowed some grown ass early 90’s flash in the pan (Tommy Page) to lead on a bunch of underaged sisters and toy with their emotions, so this wasn’t far off. There’s something amazing about how a bunch of Dads can allow this type of chicanery. When Michelle stormed off stating that “that was mean,” we’ll that’s what happens in the Full House.

    Like

  35. JCC says:

    LOL Michelle looks high as fuck in that 5th screencap.

    Like

  36. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    Honestly, for a seventeen year old to lead on a six year old girl would NOT hack it in the real world.

    Like

  37. Lila says:

    The girl is Denise. And Michelle did say her name. When Denise almost ruined the surprise wedding and slipped up a bit to Aunt Becky, Michelle giggled and went, “Denise!” Although the laughter from the audience was really loud…

    Like

  38. Bridget says:

    The paper was well written, but it should be double-spaced for easier reading. No wonder Jesse’s teacher hated him!

    Like

  39. Jen says:

    Whitey White writer: We need a name for the little black girl. What do black people name their kids?

    Other White writer: Well, let’s see. Sondra, Denise, Vanessa, Rudy…let’s go with Denise. Denise sounds good.

    Like

  40. CanOx says:

    What’s even more weird is one of the Michelle’s s banging like a 50 yr old dude.

    Like

  41. Christopher says:

    Apparently, it will be DJ, and not Michelle, who loses a spouse and raises her kids with a couple of worthless pieces of shit. Except one of them is Kimmy Gibler. Fuller House!

    Like

  42. Julie says:

    I’m a former college English teacher, and let me tell you, if I had Jesse in my class and he wrote an opening paragraph like that, I’d be running it through a plagiarism checker. Frankly, I’d check it for plagiarism no matter who turned it in. It’s too polished, too fancy…it’s just a red flag paper, man. COMPLETELY unrealistic stock example of the “average” paper, but then again, it is Full House.

    Like

    • rmc says:

      And don’t forget that this is for a goddamn GED English Lit course. I taught pre-med and nursing students and their writing was fucking atrocious, how is a greaseball mooch of a high school dropout with no aspirations, let alone talent, going to write something so… advanced?

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Julie and rmc, I agree with you two! Jesse spends more time on his hair than he does reading and there is no way he could write something so advanced! The writers of the show probably got this paper from a website that has samples of very good themes. I think if Jesse’s teacher was like you, Julie, he would run the paper through a plagiarism checker because Jesse never gave any indication he could have a critical thought or any intelligence.

        Like

  43. methylmercury says:

    Aaand Michelle’s face is back to being a hideous troll grimace, all’s right with the world

    Like

  44. DFORCE says:

    I laughed so hard I cried when I read this review. I have no idea why. It was just on tonight and I decided it was the most fucked up episode ever and so I wondered what Billy Supetstar thought about it.

    Like

  45. Lara says:

    “Next he explains that one day when she’s a grown-up she’ll meet some rad guy and she’ll get married for reals, and I was kind of hoping that he’d say that her husband might die tragically and suddenly and she’ll be forced to raise her kids with a couple of worthless pieces of shit, but I guess that’s a given.”

    It’s like you’re psychic! Sure it was DJ instead but this is still pretty fantastic proof of how ridiculous the new premise is.

    Like

  46. cjenkinssax says:

    They used the same joke about the ‘husband’ going home because his mum was making meatloaf as the Stephanie wedding episode too.

    Like

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