Season 6, Episode 23, “The House Meets the Mouse-Part 1”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse puts the twins to bed and then goes out to the main room to fuck Aunt Becky.  It’s pretty weird to me how the show has been totally indiscreet about them having sex lately.  I guess it’s supposed to be ok because they’re married.  It’s also a really weird way to start a 2-part episode about going to Disney World.  Anyway, the twins interrupt them.

Danny is all bummed as Vicky gets ready to leave but his dour lamentations are cut short by the arguing of his two youngest daughters, who couldn’t give one shit about his feelings.  They argue over who gets the last piece of a certain type of candy and Danny decides to give it to Michelle, which leads to Stephanie actually pointing out that it’s bullshit that Michelle gets whatever the fuck she wants all the time.  OH MY GOD SOMEONE ACTUALLY FINALLY SAID IT!  I’ve been waiting for this for I don’t know how long.

I have to say, Michelle has become extra-obnoxious lately.  I know it’s hard for me to convey this with much effect because I’ve been railing on her for like 150 episodes now, but she really has become exponentially shittier over the course of the series.  I’ve noticed that in the last few episodes pretty much every single thing she says is smug, condescending and antagonistic.  Seriously, it’s like she’s trying to pick a fight with everyone around her at all times.  She also juts her face forward whenever she makes these aggravating statements, like she’s just daring you to punch it.  I also feel kind of bad for Stephanie, who hasn’t really done much of anything since the child abuse episode, and pretty much exists purely to be foiled by her asshole little sister.  The saddest thing about it is that she really seems too old to be hanging around with Michelle all the time, but I guess DJ wont have anything to do with her now that she’s in high school and has a really hungry boyfriend occupying her attention.  I now understand middle-child syndrome better than ever.

Anyway, Vicky leaves in a hurry and kisses everyone goodbye except for Danny.  Even Steve and Kimmie Gibbler get a smooch!

After she’s gone, Danny says that it sucks dick that she’s gone all the time and then Michelle tells him that he should propose to her.  Danny says that it’s not that simple but we all know that he’s gonna do it just because Michelle told him to.  Realistically though, shouldn’t they live together first?  Or at least in the same city?

Jesse tells Becky that his terrible band got a gig at Disney World.  Hey, sure, why not?  Becky says that it’s kind of a bummer that he’ll be out of town for their anniversary but he tells her that he wants her to go with him, which she finds quite touching.  They negotiate about what to do with the twins and then decide to bring them along and then Joey comes upstairs and says that he’s coming, too, and that they’re going to be doing their radio show from Disney World, plus a live broadcast of Jesse’s terrible concert.  Jesse seems like he doesn’t really want Joey to go but since when has Joey ever cared about being a welcome addition to anything?  Then the rest of the family come upstairs and say that they’re all going, too.  Stephanie explains that there’s a school vacation the next week and Wake Up, San Francisco is in reruns so Danny decided to take everyone to Disney World.  Well that’s pretty god damn convenient.  Even Kimmie Gibbler is going, because apparently her parents are willing to pay for her to go on an expensive vacation just so they can get rid of her for a while.  That’s actually really sad.

Despite all the hoopla, Jesse is unhappy about the rest of the family coming along because he really wanted to bang his wife throughout the entire vacation and DJ is sad because she’s gonna miss Steve hella bad.  But anyway, who cares?  The Tanners are going to Disney World!

I guess that this stock-footage montage is as good a place as any to discuss the obligatory ABC Disney World episodes.  Some time before this episode aired, Disney purchased the ABC network and started working these elaborate Disney World promo’s into an episode or 2 of pretty much all of their series’.  I’m pretty sure that they were usually 2-part episodes but I couldn’t tell you for certain.  I’ll leave it to the comments section to illuminate us about that one.  I bet Bridget Hainline knows the answer.  Another piece of trivia that I’ll probably get wrong is that I think that this is the first Disney World promo episode they did.

These episodes were pretty unappealing, partially because they were really just big commercials, but also because sitcom episodes that take place on-location and away from the set always have a weird feel to them that just never really works.  Even on good sitcoms it’s always problematic.  I think that each of the TGIF show’s did an episode like this but they weren’t really that offensive because it’s not like any of those shows had any integrity anyway, but I remember being really disappointed when Roseanne had to do it.

So anyway, here we go:  the most obnoxious family on Earth find themselves at the happiest place on Earth.  The first thing that happens is that they run into people in Donald Duck and Goofy costumes as they exit the hotel.  I’ve always been a little confused about those people in the suits at theme parks.  Are little kids supposed to believe that those are the actual characters?  I got to go to Disneyland a few times when I was a little kid and I sure as shit never had any illusions about them being anything other than people in suits.  It’s not like I ever thought that Mickey Mouse was real anyway, and even if I did, I’d assume that he could move his mouth and talk and stuff, and that his head wasn’t made out of a hard plastic material.  But I have to wonder, if those people in suits aren’t there to create an illusion for children, why are they there at all?

Danny prints up itineraries for everyone to accommodate their separate plans and everyone groans at what a boring, anal-retentive nerd he is.  Joey says he has plans to go visit an old friend of his who’s an animator and Jesse tries to discreetly mention that he’s going to be neglecting his family because he has to prepare for his big concert.  Becky reacts as though she hasn’t always been in a relationship with a completely selfish asshole who ruins everything but then he cheers her up by saying that he’s going to ask her to enact his sexual fantasies later.  Yeah, that always cheers wives up.  Danny says that Vicky’s coming to meet them later and Stephanie wonders if he’s going to propose but Danny himself if unsure.  They all make their way to the theme park and everyone throws away the carefully planned itineraries that Danny worked so hard to make for them.

After a rendition of “Zippity Doo Dah” with some some rockin’ guitar licks in it plays over some more stock footage, the girls approach the Magic Castle and gaze in awe at what an amazing place to visit Disney World is.  It kind of makes you want to save up all of your money all year so you can take your family there, doesn’t it?

The girls are allured by a guy masquerading as an Arabian stereotype from the movie Aladdin.  There’s also a guy dressed as Aladdin himself and DJ hallucinates that it’s Steve, which is of course a meta-reference to Steve being the actual voice of Aladdin.

DJ comes to her senses and realizes that the Aladdin guy is just some underpaid theme park employee.  The Arabian stereotype goes on to explain that everyone can take a turn to rub a big lamp and if the genie appears when they do it, they’ll be crowned prince or princess of the day and get 3 wishes.  Stephanie and Michelle argue over who gets to rub the lamp first and, naturally, Michelle wins and ends up conjuring the genie.  Stephanie is pretty bitter about Michelle winning by taking her turn even though there’s a big ass line of people behind them that they obviously cut in front of so it’s not like she wouldn’t have been taking some other poor bystanders turn anyway if she’d gone up there.  Michelle is actually pretty surprised at being granted princess for a day and getting whatever she wants even though it’s really not any different than every other day of her life.  The Arabian stereotype tells her that she’s gonna get to be in a parade later in the day and grants her first wish of not having to wait in line for anything, which I guess is granted retroactively because she sure didn’t have to wait to rub that lamp.

Joey goes and visits some guy at the animation studio that’s supposed to be an old friend of his.  I don’t know if there’s an actual on-site animation studio at Disneyworld or not so maybe this is plausible, except the part about Joey having a friend who’d want to see him. Joey sits in the guys little animation cubicle and starts dicking around with his supplies until he creates a stylized rendition of himself, because I guess that Joey has been an adroit cartoonist all this time and it was never mentioned before.

The cartoon Joey comes to life and there’s an extended sequence of the 2 of them interacting that doesn’t really have any remarkable or memorable qualities other than that the animated Joey has this really weird high-pitched voice for some reason.  I wonder if there’s any sort of connection between this hallucination and the fact that DJ keeps thinking that she sees Steve, like maybe they both took the complimentary brown acid back at the hotel or something?

Danny voyeuristically stares at Vicky as she waits for him and a little birdie flutters into her hand.

He approaches her and says that when he was watching her just then it made him realize how beautiful and gentle she is.  It seems a little odd to me that he’d specifically use the adjective “gentle” but I guess that would be pretty important to him, what with all the pegging that must go on in their relationship.  You gotta take that shit slow.  Anyway, it becomes clear that Danny has decided to propose at that moment but before he can they’re accosted by some sort of traditional German band.  Those pushy Germans!  They ruin everything!

Michelle forces to girls to go wherever she says which, again, doesn’t really stand out as being any different than every other episode.  DJ and Kimmie Gibbler seem to have no problem with appeasing her but Stephanie gets increasingly pissed off about it.

Meanwhile, Jesse meets up with Becky and the twins and they try to work out his busy schedule.  He rambles about Superman for no clear reason and then makes a bunch of promises that he obviously wont keep before running off to do his radio show with Joey.  Becky looks sad as guitar strings are gently plucked on the soundtrack and she is left alone with the twins.  I have to say that, for someone with no work ethic, he seems to use his job to neglect his family an awful lot.

Danny and Vicky eat at some underwater-themed restaurant and he tries to propose again before being interrupted by the uncles, who are swimming around in the tank for some reason even though they’re supposed to be doing their radio show.  It’s probably for the better anyway, because a spontaneous proposal in an underwater-themed restaurant sounds like a pretty darn lousy way to go if you ask me.

Michelle forces to girls to ride the carousel a million times and then DJ’s acid starts kicking in again as she imagines that a guy dressed as Prince Charming is Steve.  Michelle dictates that they have to ride the carousel again and they all protest, but Michelle’s like, “I got the princess for a day crown, so y’all can suck my dick.”

DJ and Kimmie Gibbler finally agree that Michelle is being an asshole and while the older girls discuss what to do about it, Michelle decides to head out on her own.  The rest of the girls realize that she’s missing and they all shit their pants.

Danny continues to stammer his way through a proposal until he’s interrupted by a phone call informing him that Michelle is missing, which makes him shit his pants.  There’s a cut to a quick scene of Michelle purposefully walking through the park and then the girls calling out for her, which leads to an overlay that says “To Be Continued…”  What kind of cliffhanger is that?  If I’d seen this shit when it aired, I’d have worried all week that they’d find her worthless ass.

Firsts:  ABC Disney World promo episode, someone points out that it’s bullshit that Michelle gets whatever she wants all the time