Well, shit, I made it through another Season.
As always, I’d like to start with some shout-outs and an overview of how the site is going. Many thanks, as always, to Teebore of the Gentlemen of Leisure Blog, who is the greatest commenter in the history of the internet. Shout-outs are also overdue for his collaborator on that site, Dr. Bitz, who wrote a totally brilliant Full House fan-fiction in the comments section of last week’s Season finale. And many thanks to all of you who read these dumb ass reviews each week, especially those of you that leave comments. Every week there are more of you! I can’t believe it! The comments section has really been blowing up extra hard over the past few weeks, which makes me all giddy like a schoolgirl. I have grown to love many of you regular commenters, such as Bridget Hainline, Santanaonfire, JGA, Katie Rae, Hebrewersfan, Lovestolaugh, Michelle’s acting coach, and Sarah Portland, to name a few. Sorry if anyone else who leaves regular comments feels left out but rest assured, I love you deeply, too. Thanks also go out to Rachwho, who purchased the Season 6 DVD’s for me back when I said I was gonna quit writing this blog if someone didn’t buy me the DVD’s. Hey, thanks a lot! I would also like to mention a more recent commenter, Melanie, who leaves the kinds of comments that can only be written by an incredibly attractive woman with a big gigantic brain. Why a woman like that would be reading this blog, I cannot say. My guess is that she’s goofing off at work. Finally, I’d like to give a special mention to a commenter who goes by Propanehead, who left me a really nice and earnest comment a few weeks back that reminded me that writing a humor blog, even a really dumb and mean-spirited one, can actually provide some sort of joy or relief to people who are going through a tough time. It’s hard to remember when you’re writing an angry rant every week that you might actually be doing something good for someone.
While I’m on the subject of the comments section, there’s another thing I want to address: I don’t moderate the comments at all and generally approve anything that isn’t spam, but I have to say that I really don’t like it when people go for each others throats on there. I guess it’s just the nature of the internet or whatever, and maybe it’s not my place to speak out about etiquette when I write such deeply negative reviews all the time, but it really bothers me when folks get all shitty with each other in the comments section. One thing I’ll mention in particular is that I had a proof-reader for a while (she was a big help with the placement of apostrophes, which I’ll never get the hang of) and I’m pretty sure she stopped leaving corrections in the comments because a bunch of people kept leaving really shitty replies to her posts. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that I like to think that Full House Reviewed is a place where people can come together and collectively hate on a shitty show, not each other. So I figure you guys are gonna do what you’re gonna do regardless of what I have to say about it, but I really wish you’d reserve your anger for Dave Coulier. Just know, at least, that every time you start insulting some other commenter, it sends a single tear down the eye of Billy Superstar.
Speaking of hurting my precious feelings (I really am a sensitive fellow), I also wanted to mention that I get comments or emails sometimes that are like, “I really like your blog but you said this one thing that I didn’t like one time and it ruined the site for me.” It’s usually some sensitive issue that I’ve made light of, like the eating disorder that DJ had for half of an episode or the jokes I’ve made about how she won’t fuck her boyfriend, or the times that I’ve pointed out how incredibly gay most of the cast is, especially Michelle’s friend Derek (which, again isn’t a bad thing. But he is super gay! Tell me that kid isn’t super gay. You’re a liar!). I have kind of mixed feelings about these comments. On the one hand, I can’t really see how I could write paragraph upon paragraph of shit-talking rants every week without saying something that someone would find morally objectionable, but on the other hand this blog really isn’t meant to offend anyone that isn’t Dave Coulier. So for the record, I’m sorry if something I wrote offended your sensibilities. Unless you’re Dave Coulier.
I also think it’s fair to say, though, that I’m not so much making fun of the issues that are being addressed as I am criticizing the shows approach to them. I’m not making fun of girls who have eating disorders, I’m making fun of the fact that DJ only had one for literally a few minutes. I’m not making fun of gay people when I say that Danny is gay, I’m making fun of the fact that the show constantly alludes to him being gay but never confirms it. I actually think that a show about 3 men who enter into a polyamorous relationship while raising 3 kids would be pretty darn interesting, especially if one of them ends up marrying a woman later on and she moves into the house with all of them. Seriously, tell me that wouldn’t be an interesting show! I think one of the things that I hate most about Full House is that it dances around some ideas that could be pretty interesting but it always does so in the most vanilla and socially irresponsible way possible.
I also get these amazing angry comments sometimes from people who seem to actually like Full House and for some reason they’re always written by someone who has no ability to spell or write in complete sentences. I wonder what’s up with that? I almost have to conclude that years of earnestly watching Full House must destroy a persons ability to read and write well. Anyway, for the record, when I get those kinds of comments I’m not sorry at all. As a matter of fact, I find them to be quite validating.
One more thing that comes up in the comments section fairly often (ok, for reals, just one last thing then I’ll get to the Review, I promise!) is that this project is heading for the home stretch! I’ve got less than a year left! Oh, the relief! A few commenters have suggested that I start reviewing some other shitty show when Full House is all done and I’m just gonna go ahead and verify here that I will never again in my life write another weekly review blog, unless maybe some website offers to pay me to do it or something. Even then I’d be pretty hesitant. But I have been starting to seriously consider starting a podcast when FHR ends, and the name of that podcast would be Saved By the Bell Reviewed. It’s still a ways off, it it happens at all, but you heard it here first: if the mysterious internet persona of Billy Superstar doesn’t disappear forever after this project ends, that’s what he’ll be up to. So stay tuned.
Now that we’ve gotten the housekeeping out of the way, let’s talk about Season 6!
Like with all the previous Seasons, I had to look over the episode list on IMDB to remember what happened because this shit all runs together in my memory. This Season really just presented more of the same, as the show seemed to be completely resting on its laurels at this point. They seem to have amped up the obnoxious behavior quite a bit and the music seems to come on a lot more frequently than it used to (it was previously reserved for the end of every episode but now comes on whenever a problem is resolved. I counted as many as 3 musics in one episode this Season!) but those things are literally more of the same.
This Season focused heavily on a number of relationships, none of which are remotely nuanced or complex or feature anything engaging or unexpected. Jesse and Becky’s relationship continued on much as it had for the last bunch of Seasons. Their twins were recast as some kids that were a bit older than the babies they had in Season 5 but nothing much came of it other than a bunch of shots of 2 years olds looking confused. Jesse’s role as a terrible husband has extended to that of a terrible father, which surprised no one.
DJ’s boyfriend, Steve, became a regular character this Season (after being introduced for a few seconds one time in Season 5). He fits right in on this show, as he’s corny and overbearing and only has a few personality traits that define him. He’s not as pushy as most of the cast, but his primary characteristic of being really hungry and eating everything all the time provides a sufficient level of thoughtlessness and inconvenience, allowing him to blend in with the rest of the cast rather seamlessly. His relationship with DJ is probably the freshest contribution to the show in quite a while, but that’s really not saying much. He’s a new character, so he brings a newness to the show entirely by default. I’m assuming he sticks around next Season and his unchanging presence will surely become as stale as everyone’s else’s soon enough. But, for the record, I’d say that Steve is one of the least obnoxious characters on the show. He may eat everything but he doesn’t constantly interrupt everything that’s going on around him and get all up in people’s faces all the time, so once again he wins by default.
Finally, there was a sporadic focus on Danny’s relationship with Vicky, who is easily the most unremarkable character in the entire series. Seriously, there were love interests who only appeared in a single episode that were more memorable than Vicky. Actually, most of them were. So why’s she the one that stuck around? The thing that interests me most about Vicky is that she’s the only regular character on this show that doesn’t provoke a strong reaction. Most of the characters inspire intense rage or irritation, except for maybe Becky, who inspires major boners, and Kimmie Gibbler, who inspires several decades of ironic hipster fashion, but Vicky is merely uninspired. Most of the characters on this show are defined by an incredibly limited array of personality traits, but Vicky has none whatsoever. Seriously, tell me one thing about Vicky that you wouldn’t know from simply looking at a picture of her. She has curly hair. Um… she’s Danny’s love interest… Anything else? Seriously, I’ve got nothing. This Season ended with Vicky and Danny getting engaged, which seemed pretty forced if you ask me. If the creators were that desperate to prove that he wasn’t gay maybe they could have just stopped alluding to him being gay all the time. While I generally don’t know this series well enough to know how most of the storylines play out, I do know that they never end up getting married, but I wonder if she’ll just disappear without ever being mentioned again. I certainly wouldn’t mind, and would find it a rather appropriate addition to the Full House tradition of vanishing love interests.
That reminds me that there was another recurring storyline that definitely doesn’t go anywhere, which was Jesse and Becky’s (mostly Jesse’s) decision to have another kid. What, they need more ugly, uninteresting babies on this show? The on-set baby wrangler must have already been working overtime. I can’t blame them for not following up on this fallow premise, but I also can’t help but wonder why it ever came up at all. Season 6 may go down in the record books as the Season of aborted storylines. Hey, maybe that’s what happens to their next kid.
Ooh, I’m gonna get a letter about that one…
One more thing I’ll say about Season 6 is that the series seems to be running out of conventional tv episode premises’ to draw from at this point, which is resulting in some pretty watered down, if not downright bizarre, ideas. I think the most forced and outlandish one of them all was the episode where Michelle knocked over a dinosaur skeleton at a museum. I think that there’s a pretty good reason why we never saw that idea recycled on another crappy show. There was also yet another episode where a car gets fucked up, which has become something of a tradition on the series (Danny, Jesse and Joey have all had a fancy red car featured on exactly one episode, and each time it was damaged). This time it was DJ’s car, which leads me to believe that if the series had gone on long enough there would eventually have been episodes where Stephanie, Michelle, and the twins all got their own fancy red cars that were horribly damaged somehow. The episode with DJ’s car also included a forced attempt to validate the fact that Joey continues to live in the full house for virtually no practical or logical reason whatsoever. The reason that’s given is just that everyone in the house really loves him, which is, of course, completely unbelievable. Although the reasoning behind Joey still living in the full house was a question that was begging to be addressed, it was also impossible to answer in any sort of satisfying way, so it ended up being one of the many cases where it was probably better if the show just didn’t even try at all.
The question I’m always left with at the end of these Season Reviews is whether or not the most recent Season was the worst one yet, and the answer is always yes. I think it’s fair to say that Full House is a series that gets steadily, progressively worse. I don’t think it’s entirely because familiarity breeds contempt, either. It’s also because the show’s success made way for a smug lack of effort on the creative side, and because the actors seem to think that their most obnoxious characteristics are the most crowd-pleasing, and because when a show continues on without any progress or development whatsoever it become a stale rendition of itself. And that’s what’s happening here. Full House is lifelessly replicating its earlier Seasons, which were already pretty fucking shitty.