Season 7, Episode 3, “Wrong-Way Tanner”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The Uncles sing, “Louie, Louie” with the twins.  I’m pretty sure that there was a pre-credits gag almost exactly like this with Michelle in one of the first Seasons.  Butchering classic songs is a rich tradition on this show.  I still say that the twins aren’t nearly as bad as Michelle, though.

Joey is the coach of Michelle’s Soccer team because he’s one of only 3 adults that ever take an active role in any of these kids lives.  Seriously, why don’t any of these other kids ever seem to have any parents?  If they do then they must not want to have anything to do with any of their children’s activities.  Sometimes these poor, neglected kids don’t even seem to have teachers.

Aaron Bailey demands that Joey buys them all pizza after the game and then Derek tells him not to give Joey such a hard time.  Joey is so taken by Derek coming to his defense that he lets him pick his position on the soccer team, at which point Derek chooses the role of the goalie because he’s always heard that they “get the babes.”  Say what?  I can’t tell if the show is trying to convince us of Derek’s implausible heterosexuality or if he just hasn’t come to terms with being the gayest human being who ever lived quite yet.  Actually, the latter seems to be the case because a few seconds later Joey hands Derek his rainbow colored goalie uniform and he really seems to love it.

It’s moments like this that make me think that this show was created just for people like me to make snide comments about.  They’re really asking for it with this one.  Still, I have to say that Joey helping a little gay kid come to terms with his sexuality is his first commendable act.

Stephanie walks through the door with a handheld video camera and tells everyone that she’s making a video about her family for school.  I guess it isn’t really that important but I think that this premise could have used some additional context.  Is the school just really fascinated by her family, or is this for a specific class, or what?  What educational purpose could filming her family all the time serve?  Is it a sociology experiment about what happens when you cram a bunch of pushy, corny white people into one big house?  All we know is that it’s “for school.”  Anyway, she starts filming Joey and makes some shitty comments about how gross his nose hairs look and then he tells her “you can’t use that” in reference to the footage she just took.

DJ and Steve hobble down the stairs because her chain got caught on his sweater and they need help getting unstuck because it’s really difficult to resolve a problem like that.  People this stupid should not be allowed to have chains and/or sweaters.

The kids all taunt them because they obviously got stuck together while making out (which is, of course, DJ’s choice.  If she is not comfortable with making out with him, it is her right as a woman to abstain from such acts.  U.N.I.T.Y., that spells unity) while Stephanie films the whole thing, even though DJ tells her “you can’t use that.”

Becky hangs out in the kitchen with the twins while they bang on tupperware, which prompts her to start singing the theme song from COPS into a turkey baster for kind of a long time.  Stephanie comes into the kitchen with Jesse and films the whole thing, but when Becky finds out she tells Stephanie, “you can’t use that.”  Jesse tries to goad Becky into letting Stephanie use the footage by chucking her chin and telling her to “be a good sport” and it seems pretty heavily implied that he’s going to punch her in the face if she doesn’t do what he says.

There’s never been any implications of spousal abuse on the show before but it really wouldn’t surprise me.  It’s not necessarily in-line with the sugary, family-friendly behavior of the characters but it is pretty much the only unexplored avenue of terrible husbandry on Jesse’s part.

Michelle’s soccer team meet on the field for some rare outdoor scenes.  I’m kind of surprised that all of the soccer games don’t just take place in the back yard.  Joey tries to help Derek not totally suck ass at being the goalie and then Danny strolls onto the field to see how things are going.  Michelle takes her turn at trying to kick the ball into the big netted goal post thing and she’s as bad at playing soccer as I am at writing about it.  On her second try she makes her shoe fly off, which is cause for concern for Danny.

He explains to Joey that DJ and Stephanie were both natural athletes and that he’s going to have to make Michelle practice so she doesn’t embarrass him by sucking so hard.

Danny forces Michelle to practice in the backyard with him for several hours in order to accommodate his own fragile self-esteem.  Kimmie Gibbler peers over the fence and talks about her new bug zapper for several minutes, which seems pretty shoehorned in for no reason.  Jesse comes out and witnesses Danny Joe Jacksoning Michelle as she pleads with him to call it quits on their practice and her conviction is undeniable because she has her arms outstretched with her palms up.

Jesse explains to Danny that his dad used to make him practice playing baseball with the same psychotic, self-aggrandizing rigor and that it totally fucked him up.  This is a tough one.  On the one hand, Danny forcing Michelle to practice soccer for hours is clearly unhealthy.  On the other hand, Jesse is probably only having such a negative reaction because he’s so opposed to seeing anybody work hard at something.  They’re clearly both in the wrong here, so the only question is, who’s more wrong?  Is an obsessive work ethic better or worse than no work ethic at all?  There was a time when Rebecca Donaldson would show up and set things straight when all the dads were doing such a shitty job, but those days are long behind us and now all she’s good for is singing tv theme songs into a turkey baster.  Anyway, Danny decides to demonstrate how good he is at soccer and then he kicks the ball right over the fence, breaking Kimmie Gibbler’s new bug zapper.  Oh, so that’s what that was all about!  Kimmie Gibbler informs Danny that he owes her $90 and then Stephanie emerges from the bushes with her camera, at which point Danny tells her, “you can’t use that.”

At the kids’ soccer game, Danny and Jesse both backseat drive the shit out of Joey’s soccer coaching.  With the score tied and only a minute left in the game, Danny grabs Michelle and tells her that he wants her to score the winning goal.  Jesse tells her not to buy into Danny’s bullshit and that it’s not that big of a deal is she doesn’t win, then Joey tells them both the back the fuck off his coaching gig.  Michelle goes onto the field and gets control of the ball but then she immediately takes it in the wrong direction.  All of the dads, plus every single person who’s watching the game, yells at her to turn around but I guess by this point she’s learned to block out everything that everyone’s telling her.  She scores a point on Derek and doesn’t understand that she won the game for the opposing team, even when they all come up and commend her.  It isn’t until her own team approaches her and Aaron Bailey tells her what a gigantic fuck-up she is that Michelle realizes what she’s done, at which point she hangs her head as sad music plays.

Later, back at the full house, Jesse and Danny argue over who is to blame over Michelle’s enormous fuck up, the joke being that they’re both blaming themselves.  Michelle comes downstairs and feigns a broken leg so she won’t have to play soccer anymore but her acting’s only as good as it ever is is so nobody believes her.  Danny apologizes to her for being such an overbearing weirdo and tells her that she should just play soccer for the fun of it but then she says that she wants to follow Uncle Jesse’s example and be a big pathetic quitter.  Jesse attempts to convince her that she should keep trying and then, with no sense of irony whatsoever, quickly gives up and hands the very special talk over to Joey.  The music comes on as Joey explains that everyone gets embarrassed sometimes and just because she made a complete ass of herself and ruined the game for everyone and they all hate her now, she should still stay on the team.  Then he decides that the best way to get her to be comfortable with being embarrassed is if they all watch the invasive footage Stephanie has been compiling throughout the episode.

We are then forced to re-watch several scenes we’ve already seen throughout the episode, now from a shaky-cam perspective.  There’s one scene that we haven’t already seen that was referenced but not shown in which Stephanie films Jesse while he gives his hair a pep talk in the bathroom.  It’s really unnerving to think about how she was hiding in the bathroom closet and filming him like that.  What if he’d taken a big shit?

Everyone laughs at the humiliating footage Stephanie has taken of them without their consent.  It’s weird how this footage is ultimately treated as a constructive plot device and nobody ever confronts Stephanie about how invasive and sociopathic it is to secretly film people like that.  Seriously, I find that very troubling.

Eventually they get to the footage of Michelle fucking up at the soccer game, at which point she hangs her head as the audience goes, “aww.”  A few seconds later she bounces back by making light of the situation, showing us all that she’s learned a valuable lesson about laughing at your own mistakes, and that poorly-written wise-cracks are the panacea to every problematic circumstance.

Michelle meets her crew of neglected youths on the soccer field and Aaron Bailey immediately starts talking shit to her.  The dads all start ganging up up him in Michelle’s defense, which seems a little unfair to me.  Jesse suggests that there’s a height requirement for being obnoxious, which is easily unproven by everything that any of the kids has ever said or done throughout the entire series.  Why, Michelle was obnoxious when she was still in diapers!  Anyway, Michelle says that she doesn’t give two shits about Aaron Bailey’s worthless opinions and then she starts running the wrong way after prompting everyone to head onto the soccer field.  They all yell after her but then she turns around like, “I was just fuckin’ with y’all.”

That’s it.  That’s the end.

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104 Responses to Season 7, Episode 3, “Wrong-Way Tanner”

  1. CathySantone says:

    Brilliant writing as per usual! I laughed out loud the whole time!

    Like

  2. hebrewersfan says:

    “Aaron Bailey tells her what a gigantic fuck-up she is”

    This is exactly why Aaron Bailey is the best character on this show. He’s the only one who seems to see everyone for exactly what they are.

    I could also watch Becky sing into that turkey baster for an entire episode if that’s what they wanted to do, no complaints there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Corey says:

      Aaron Bailey delivers what may be my favorite line of the entire series in this episode: “So, you decided to show up.”

      It’s a rare example of Full House pulling off a joke with some subtlety and dignity, largely because it was in the hands of a 7-year-old who could act circles around the adult cast members. (The whole joke is that it’s a cliche dramatic line being delivered by a child, and Aaron Bailey pulls that shit off, yo.)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Melanie says:

    That episode was rough. Not gonna lie.

    But really, I can’t believe you didn’t get at least one screen cap of how hot Becky’s weird lace duster best jacket is in that COPS scene. (Incidentally — wasn’t COPS a Fox show? You’d think they were have picked something Disney-friendly, like the Gummi Bears theme.) I mean, an all-white outfit is not exactly toddler-friendly, but daaaamn, Aunt Becky, get it, girl.

    Like

    • DonDon says:

      I remember watching this episode as a child and loving that jacket so much, I just HAD to have one. I loved that jacket! Sadly, I took a lot of fashion tips from Full House. In the episode where DJ has short hair for the first time, I wanted that whole ensemble so bad, it hurt!

      Like

  4. Kevan Patrick says:

    That opening was lifted wholesale from earlier episodes with Michelle, right down to Jesse’s poses and the awkward sight of toddlers wobbling around with sunglasses on. Can you imagine being the Olsen twins at this time, seeing newer, cuter kids getting the adoration you used to get for doing literally the same exact bit? No wonder they’re on coke.

    So Stepahanie’s homework assignment was to specifically capture her family members at their worst? Did the school give everyone in the class a camcorder to use or were some kids screwed because their parents either didn’t own one or wouldn’t trust their teenage kid with it?

    Michelle’s on a soccer team that manages to get to a position where they can “score the winning goal” and SHE DOESN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE BASIC RULES OF THE GAME?!?

    Well that’s a first. I’ve been reading this blog for a while, and this is an episode I don’t even remember, and this is the first time I’ve gotten as apoplectically angry as the author.

    Like

  5. Oh Mylanta says:

    The one thing I distinctly remember from this episode is Danny kicking the soccer ball over the Gibblers’ fence. “Plant the left, swing the right and KAPOWIE!” I’m actually pretty surprised you didn’t mention the cornball made-up interjection “kapowie”. Even for Danny Tanner, that’s pretty fuckin’ corny.

    “It’s weird how this footage is ultimately treated as a constructive plot device and nobody ever confronts Stephanie about how invasive and sociopathic it is to secretly film people like that. Seriously, I find that very troubling.”

    I guess it’s okay if it’s your own family and they’re equally as invasive and sociopathic as you are.

    Like

    • Amber says:

      Hahah….That was totally going to be my comment.

      “Plant the left, swing the right and KAPOWIE” played in my head throughout this entire review.

      Like

    • Angela says:

      Hahaha, oh, wow, yeah, I remember the “KAPOWIE!” bit.

      It’s weird the things that decide to stick in our brains all these years, isn’t it?

      Like

    • penny says:

      And the crazy thing is, they already DID the invasive video plot in the episode(s) with Uncle Jesse’s wedding. And Stephanie filmed.

      Louie Louie was used at least one other time, in the Scott Baio episode — Jesse sings “I, I don’t know the words. / nobody does, so let’s go back to the chorus…”

      And the “laugh at yourself” lesson was used already, too. Stephanie learned it from none other than the great Steve Urkel.

      Now they’re not just reusing every other stock plot device, they’re reusing their own.

      Like

    • JMo says:

      Danny is such a nerdy dick.

      Like

  6. SHough610 says:

    1) Having an obsessive work ethic is like a billion times better than no work ethic.
    2) Wait, Derek’s not supposed to be gay? He’s so gay the producers nicknamed him the Human Torch.

    Like

  7. lovetolaugh says:

    So I’m literally about to leave for the train station to head to DC for the weekend, but I had to fit in FHR read before I left. Now I’ll probably start spontaneously cracking up on the train when I recall some of your comments in this review, and the fellow passengers will think I’m nuts. 🙂

    Hey DJ and Steve, ever heard of scissors? That works great for me whenever jewelry gets stuck to any type clothing. Or, ever heard of taking your chain off to make untangling it easier?

    As far as their obsessive vs. insufficient work ethic issue, here is my stance: yes, Danny was a tad bit obsessive abuot perfecting Michelle’s technique. And yes, Jesse behaved like the slacker he always is. But neither of those approaches have anything to do with why Michelle ultimately kicked the ball into the wrong goal. (Although of course, both Danny and Jesse would rather blame themselves than admit that Michelle is less than perfect.) That was her mistake, and one that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense considering that surely there have been some practices before the actual game? And surely Michelle knew who the goalie for her team was and what he looked like, so she should have been deterred when she saw that she was kicking the ball toward him.

    Gee, for writers who clearly kiss Michelle’s ass, they sure do make her look dumb sometimes.

    Like

    • hebrewersfan says:

      I think after she kicked it in the wrong goal, they asked her if she noticed who the goalie was and all she said was “he looked a lot like Derek”, but you’d think after spending a whole game prior to that incident kicking it the right way, you’d notice the other team’s goalie.

      Like

  8. Kefka says:

    The sad part is that showing the film was probably the only good idea ever to get someone out of their funk.

    Like

    • RachWho? says:

      You’re so right. Doesn’t this family usually cheer people up by 1) sitting around and singing “Froggy Went A’Courtin” while Danny plays the guitar or 2) having Joey tell corny jokes while spitting in the person’s face?

      Like

      • Comet says:

        Sometimes Jesse sings a song he wrote about the predicament in question…or a song the Beach Boys wrote.

        Like

  9. Bridget says:

    I thought Jesse’s morning pep talk to his hair showed him crossing over into extreme narcissism. I hope I got that spelling right! I watched “Baby M” and all the actors were very good, especially JoBeth Williams and she nailed Mary Beth Whitehead’s narcissism and histrionic behavior to a T! Baby M is now Melissa Stern Klements and she is married and wants nothing to do with her bio mom. Melissa is the same age as the Olsen twins, incidentally. I do think anyone getting a psychology degree should watch these episodes of “Full House” to get an idea of personality disorders! I love the expression on the face of the little blond boy behind Derrick when Derrick gets the rainbow colored uniform and his look seems to be saying, “Derrick came onto me and he calls the other boys babes!”. I also read Flowers in the Attic and on one page, Corinne the mom is saying that when their grandpa dies, she’ll have money to send Chris to medical school, Cathy can continue ballet dancing, Cory can have music teachers and Carrie can have whatever she wants. Michelle, like Carrie seemed to have no talents whatsoever and her siblings had talents! DJ and Stephanie were the talented ones in the house and maybe their late mom was also talented.

    Like

    • Angela says:

      If I had a husband who was THAT frighteningly obsessive about his hair, I’m pretty sure I’d start looking into the idea of a divorce.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I agree with you about a husband’s hair! My father is very fussy about his hair and when I brought him shampoo samples from my seasonal job at Buy Seasons, he loved them! BTW, Buy Seasons sells costumes and party decorations not salt and other condiments!

        Like

    • Penny says:

      I like the Michelle Tanner/Carrie Dollanganger comparison! Carrie was another spoiled little brat who babbled incessantly, always wanted her own way, and bugged her big sister a lot.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I agree with you that when Carrie Dollanganger was small she was kind of a pain, but she grew on me! I do think those snobby girls who placed Carrie on the roof at the Miss Emily Dean Calhoun’s School for Properly Bred Young Ladies should have been charged with attempted murder! When Carrie found her niche, she had wonderful clerical skills, excellent sewing and baking skills as well. That was when she met Alex and he loved her even though she was still extremely short and all. It killed her both literally and figuratively when Alex wanted to be a minister because the grandmother was a religious freak who makes Bill Gothard look like an atheist! Gee, now that I think of it, VC must have disliked Carrie!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Penny says:

        It’s true; Carrie’s childhood conduct was so bratty that it’s easy for me to forget she grew into a kindhearted young woman. Her rejection by Corrine, and the way in which she caused her own death, was so tragic. I wonder how V.C. Andrews felt about the characters in her best series…

        Like

    • JMo says:

      Bridget,

      You should be concerned, now I am getting to know your posts without even reading your name. I love your awesomely obscure references, knowledge of facts and the ability to tie your writing talents to the Full House comments section!

      Like

  10. astrowaffle says:

    I dont want to admit it, but I hated Aaron Bailey when I was a kid because he was always making fun of all the residents of the full house. Now I can see that he was the only one who actually saw what was happening over there. I’m sorry Aaron Bailey I wish I had understood sooner.

    Like

  11. “now all she’s good for is singing tv themes into a turkey baster”.
    truly consumed.

    Like

  12. That rainbow colored goalie jersey CANNOT be a coincidence. Derek probably spied it ahead of time and that’s why he wanted to be goalie. In any case, I would have thought he would be better at it, because the goalie is the only person that can put their hands on the balls. Seriously though, are rainbow colored goalie jerseys a real thing in soccer? I can’t remember, I quit when I was five. I still have my jersey though (it’s white, if you were wondering), and I put my 2 1/2 year old daughter in it sometimes.

    Why the hell did Kimmie Gibler spend $90 (presumably) of her own money on a bug zapper? I would think there were way more normal things for a teenage girl to spend $90 bucks on. What a wierdo. I wonder if she burns ants with a magnifying glass too…

    Last note. I can think of a few things I’d like to watch Rebecca Donaldson-Cochran-Katsopolis do with that turkey baster, aside from singing into it…
    And yes, Melanie, that outfit IS banging. Get it girl, indeed.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      My soon to be 8 year old niece can fit into my Brownie sash from 1981 and I do think Mr. Gibbler spent the $90.00, not Kimmie. Why would anyone let a kid who doesn’t know the rules of soccer score the winner goal? Michelle should have had some basic rules down and if Derek had an identical twin named Eric I could see why she would mistake him for his brother or something! I read an article about this private school that has identical twins in it and I think that is confusing with the identical school jumper uniforms the twin girls wear.

      Like

      • Yeah, I totally meant to comment on the goal thing. So this is little kid’s soccer, right. Would they REALLY award the win to the opposing team if Michelle had done that? I mean, that can’t actually count as a point for the other team, right? Seems like they would just have a do over.

        Either way, At least Michelle as trying! I hated soccer when I played it as a kid, and had trouble keeping up with the other kids chasing the ball, so I would get frustrated and sit down in the middle of the field and pick dandelions. True story. I was only 5 though, so cut me some slack. Best thing about it is that my mom saved my jersey – and my little kindergarten “class of 2000 shirt – both of which I have passed on to my daughter (after recovering them from an ex-girl friend that was petite enough to wear them as little halter shirts).

        Like

      • Richard says:

        It’s called an “own goal” and it’s a real thing. [url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Own_goal[/url]

        Also I guess none of you have ever heard of Jim Marshall. Yes even in the pros, these dumb mistakes happen.

        Like

      • Thanks! I wonder if because this even happens in the pros is why it’s a real thing and counts as an opposing point. Thanks for the info.

        I’ve never heard Jim Marshall, but I don’t follow ANY sports, so at least I’m not just one of those soccer haters. I exclude sports from my life equally! 😉

        Like

    • Megan says:

      I do remember wearing the rainbow colored jersey when I was a goalie in AYSO. That was one of the best parts of the position!

      Like

  13. Bridget says:

    I think the episode with Michelle’s silly planet diorama is coming up and I guess she inherited the gene that makes little kids produce crappy science experiments from Stephanie! A grapefruit as the sun will rot, a Nerf ball as the sun won’t!

    Like

    • Ben says:

      Ah yes, the “mean daddy” episode, where instead of Danny being traumatized by the prospect of punishing Michelle, it’s Jesse traumatized by punishing Nicky and Alex and them calling him “mean daddy” with complete lack of emotion, as if they were just parroting what the toddler-wranglers told them to say…

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Yes, I agree those kids were parroting what they were told and it bothered me that while Michelle was allowed to grow her hair long she could keep her bangs trimmed unlike those poor small boys! They could both bang into a wall with that hair in their eyes. If you saw “Terms of Endearment” Debra Winger’s Emma character tells her 2 sons, Teddy and Tommy to keep the hair on their foreheads short so she can see their eyes. After a while they did trim Nicky and Alex’s hair, though.

        Like

      • JMo says:

        Mean daddy, mean daddy, mean daddy…Hilarious!

        Let’s not forget the cauliflower brain Stephanie made that Danny the dork cooked as dinner! Did that happen yet? I get so confused by this shit.

        Like

  14. lovetolaugh says:

    Ugh, you guys, I just had a random flashback from this episode.

    After one of the kids (Aaron Bailey, maybe?) calls bullshit on DJ and Steve’s explanation of how her chain got stuck, they start chanting “kissy-face, kissy-face” over and over. They eventually stop, only to leave Joey chanting it by himself, way more aggressively and obnoxiously than any of the 7-year-olds had been.

    Before I experienced that horror of a flashback, I was actually impressed with how mature and level-headed Joey’s behavior seemed to be in this episode.

    Why is it that I seriously can’t remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday morning for the life of me, but Joey’s delivery of the kissy-face chant and Danny’s “plant the left, swing the right, and KAPOWEE!” will probably remain in my subconscience for easy retrieval until I leave this world?

    Like

  15. Danny Whiter says:

    Highlights for me this review:

    “Jesse attempts to convince her that she should keep trying and then, with no sense of irony whatsoever, quickly gives up and hands the very special talk over to Joey.”

    “…poorly-written wise-cracks are the panacea to every problematic circumstance.”

    The essence of Full House is elegantly distilled down into these phrases. Bravo.

    Like

  16. Bridget says:

    I don’t really understand how the human memory works at all. Maybe ask a neurologist or something. I still remember my late grandma telling my late grandpa to be careful with my neighbors’ newborn daughter in 1982 and how anxious one of my teachers in middle school was because she thought a classmate of mine wouldn’t get an assignment done on time. Stephen King wrote in “Firestarter” that Andy McGee remembered getting stung by a bee when he was 15 months old.

    Like

    • Corey says:

      I’m working on a Ph.D. in neuroscience! Ask away! 😉

      One of the really interesting things about memory is that every single time you recall a memory, you unconsciously modify it. This is also why it’s very, very easy to implant false memories in people.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Did you study false memories like the case of the woman who said her father molested and killed her best friend when they were both 8 in 1969? I read about Marilu Henner and her freaky memory and she could remember her own baptismal as a baby and other things that happened to her growing up.

        Like

      • There was a whole thing in the 80’s where the public was all worked up, believing there were these Satanic baby and child murdering cults all over the place, because a bunch of people came forward claiming to be recovering repressed memories of being raised in these cults and the horrible things they saw and were subjected to.

        These “witnesses” were earnest in their recollections and really believed it to be true, but it turned out they were all false memories which were fueled by the public hysteria over baby murdering Satanic cults, and there were no actual baby murdering Satanic cults.

        Like

      • Anisky says:

        Oh, I thought that was an episode of the X-Files.

        Like

      • Corey says:

        From a neuroscience perspective, repressed memories are complete garbage. There’s no hard evidence that it happens, and we know too much about how it easy it is to lead someone into “remembering” something that never happened. And when it gets real extreme, you get things like the McMartin trial, which Santanaonfire referenced.

        From a psychological standpoint, however, memory repression does happen to some extent, and psychotherapy to revisit these memories can be useful in some disorders (PTSD, schizophrenia, Reactive Attachment Disorder, etc.). You must be very careful, however, to refrain from suggesting any part of the memory, even by asking specific questions. This is why, though people joke about it, “How does that make you feel?” is pretty much your best tool.

        Like

  17. Michelle's acting coach says:

    Aaron Bailey: Mom, I’m home!
    Mrs. Bailey: How was the game, sweetie?
    Aaron: Tanner ruined EVERYTHING!
    Mrs. Bailey: Let me guess, Stephanie did a dance routine again didn’t she? She’s been warned about that.
    Aaron: No.
    Mrs. Bailey: Danny didn’t broadcast Wake Up San Francisco from the field again did he? I thought we all signed a petition to prevent that.
    Aaron: No.
    Mrs. Bailey: Oh I know, the uncle’s band played at halftime, didn’t they? His flyers were all over my car after last game.
    Aaron: No.
    Mrs. Bailey: Was it the radio show? Or did Joey coach with that beaver puppet again? Or did the oldest one’s boyfriend eat all the snacks again? Or did their dog return from his injury and go back to playing goalie?
    Aaron: No, it was Michelle. She kicked the winning goal for the other team!
    Mrs. Bailey: Oh, that’s no so bad.

    Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      Hilarious, Michelle’s Acting Coach!

      Although Stephanie’s dance routines were always pretty sick, they gave us some of the few genuinely good moments of this show.

      They should be welcomed at any kids’ soccer game.

      Like

    • kenzington says:

      I would give my front teeth to see a show from the peripheral characters’ perspectives like this.

      Like

    • hebrewersfan says:

      hahah, this is brilliant

      Like

    • Angela says:

      Beautiful.

      Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      I’m enjoying the hell out of the fact that this tiny FHR fandom has now progressed to fanfic. Thank you this, friends 😀

      Like

    • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

      Love this! If Full House were ever resurrected, they should write it as an alternate timeline to the original series from all the other character’s perspectives. We can finally find out HOW all those missing one-timers ended up under the cement slab in the backyard.

      Like

  18. Amy R. says:

    The turkey baster is a potent metaphor.

    Like

  19. Emily says:

    There comes a time every week when all of a sudden I think “Oh Shit it’s Friday! There’s a new full house reviewed”. I then rush to the nearest computer for 20 minutes of bliss. Thanks for the entertainment Billy S.

    I liked this episode a lot as a kid because I was pretty bad at sports and watching Michelle play soccer made me feel really good about myself.

    Like

  20. Mr Goodpart says:

    You know what’s bullshit is that toward the end of the episode when Stephanie shows her tape of everyone’s embarrassing moments so woe-is-me Princess Michelle can “feel better”, the clips we see are NOT the ones we saw filmed by Stephanie throughout the episode. I did a comparison of each one by rewinding the DVR and the movements in each are completely different.

    Is it too much to ask for a little consistency, Full House producers? FUCK!

    Like

    • Ari says:

      You’ve got too much time on your hands, sir, haha.

      Like

    • Jennifer says:

      When I was watching those clips, they seemed different and I had a feeling that was the case, but didn’t know for certain. However, this being Full House, I am not surprised in the least. Thanks for confirming.

      Like

  21. Propanehead says:

    Hey, Billy, I realized that the kid who played Derek also played Eugene in “Hey Arnold”! How trippy is that?

    I’ve also seen a picture of him in recent times, and he looks a lot like Macaulay Culkin. His name is Blake Ewing.

    I also like this episode, too, because even though I watch sports from time to time, I pretty much suck at sports. So, seeing Michelle screw up made me feel a whole lot better about myself.

    Hope you’re well and thanks again for your humorously accurate insights,

    Propanehead

    Like

  22. Sora says:

    I have to say Derek has some nice hair. How many people put that much work into it.

    What is with Jesse’s shirt in this episode. The whole not buttoning the top button is really weird here.

    Like

  23. Bridget says:

    On “Cheers” Rebecca said Sam was just a lowly bartender in an off-the-rack shirt with a button missing. Sam told her the button was not missing and he kept it undone so he could scratch his stomach.

    Like

  24. katie says:

    Danny forces Michelle to practice in the backyard with him for several hours in order to accommodate his own fragile self-esteem.

    Isn’t the new driveway going to be in the way?

    He explains to Joey that DJ and Stephanie were both natural athletes and that he’s going to have to make Michelle practice so she doesn’t embarrass him by sucking so hard.

    DJ and Stephanie were also Yankee Doodle. He really needs to accept that fact that Michelle sucks.

    I’m still bothered that we haven’t seen nor heard from Vicki. What the hell, man?

    Like

  25. Sarah Portland says:

    Firstly: fuck you, Danny. Your kid is allowed to suck at sports, and comparing your kids to each other is a sign of shitty parenting. Go to hell.
    Secondly: that screen cap of Michelle hanging her head because she scored the winning goal for the other team. I have seriously lost all empathy for this kid, even if I did defend her three sentences ago. I really don’t feel bad for her. Another kid, on another (better written) show, maybe. But not Michelle Tanner. For once, things did not go her way, and then the dads argue over which of them is responsible. No one is responsible! The kid ran the wrong way! Shit happens.
    I feel like I’m being a bring down, so I’ll end with this: if I knew how, I would make a video of everyone telling Stephanie “you can’t use that”. Then I would autotune it. Because the Tanners deserve to be autotuned, and I feel that it would be a challenge to make these people even more annoying.
    Have a Kimmie Day, friends.

    Like

    • “make a video of everyone telling Stephanie “you can’t use that”. Then I would autotune it. Because the Tanners deserve to be autotuned, and I feel that it would be a challenge to make these people even more annoying.”

      I know somebody out there reading this blog has these skills. Please, please do this and post a link – preferably in a new episode’s comments so we catch it. This sounds like a great idea!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh Mylanta says:

        Whoever decides to step up to this autotune project, can you also add “KAPOWIE!” into the mix?

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        YES. I do not recall this episode, and I feel like I am missing out on the “kapowie”.

        Like

    • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

      If this video existed, I would watch it every time I felt sad. I wish I knew how to make it!
      (P.S. “Have a Kimmie Day” is an amazing sign-off. I tip my hat to you Miss.)

      Like

  26. Corey says:

    So, I’ve been looking forward to this review for a few seasons now, eagerly anticipating the joy Billy would feel at the sight of Michelle’s sadness. I’m disappointed that no such joy was expressed. It’s as if Full House has slowly drained him of his ability to feel happiness.

    Billy, we will never forget the sacrifice you made here.

    Like

  27. Ben says:

    Someone needs to do a drawing of the “Michelle sincerity pose” a la the site header.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. FHRFan says:

    Let’s not forget the crowd of overacting extras at the soccer game, especially the one blond woman who actually PUTS HER HANDS ON HER HEAD to convey her distress at Michelle relentlessly pursuing a goal for the other team. She really earned her $45 a day (plus craft services).

    Like

  29. Bridget says:

    The picture of JC and the distressed people is beautiful! I need to see if Giotto is an Italian painter. So many people don’t know that Ariana Richards who was Lex in “Jurassic Park” is a very talented painter and she is related to an Italian artist from the 13th or 14th century. I was impressed by Ariana’s talent!

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Giotto is indeed an Italian fresco painter. He is famous as helping to usher in the Renaissance, and move painting away from Cimabue’s flattening of space, and into a realm of better perspective. Despite my dislike of the emotional display he uses in this fresco, Giotto did incredible work.
      Sorry about that lecture. I have a thing for art history and Old Master painting.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        That’s fine with me. Did you go on Ariana Richards’s website and see her paintings? They are incredible! I also like that young painter Akiane or something like that! She could draw like a grown-up when she was four and some of her paintings of Jesus are in Christian shops. I wonder if Ariana is related to that artist you mentioned?

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I looked up Ariana Richards and she is related to artist Carlo Crivelli. Did you study him?

        Like

  30. Uncle Jersey says:

    I wish Aaron Bailey could actually just say “Look what you’ve done, you gigantic pile of shit. You fucked up”

    Like

  31. Bri says:

    I’d actually be a little unhappy if Derek was supposed to be gay. I’m not on the offense here, Billy, as you’ve explained to me that you have no ill intent with the gay comments, but if he was meant to be gay, I might find that a bit offensive. Assuming that a boy who likes dancing, singing, and being enthusiastic is gay is like assuming someone who eats fried chicken and watermelon, and loves playing basketball is black. Why can’t a guy enjoy those things without being gay?

    Anyway, my god, this show really did get worse and worse as it went on. This episode and the one before it were just beyond awful. I feel like learning to be okay with yourself and not having to be good at everything and letting insults roll off your back could’ve been one of this show’s best lessons had they actually had a clue about how to do it. And what the hell is up with that ending? Haaaa.

    Oh and yes, Stephanie is super weird and creepy with the whole videoing thing… who does that at that age?? I mean, when I was like 6, I used to hide my Fisher Price tape recorder on top of the fridge and try to record my brother and mom without them knowing, for no other reason than I thought it was funny that they didn’t know it was there. But I didn’t hide in closets – or in the BATHROOM – to get footage I was going to share with others. And I wasn’t like 13 years old. Damn.

    Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      Besides, he’s only like, seven years old. I highly doubt that very many people figure out they’re gay by the age of seven, or even know what homosexuality is.

      Like

    • Corey says:

      Honestly, I think Full House has already done enough to break gay stereotypes. Jesse is the Glee Club type who knows nothing about sports, yet it still a pussy magnet, and Danny is uber-clean, extremely sensitive, and even took figure skating lessons.

      While I believe straight men have the right to be *fabulous* if they so choose, I also think Derek is totally gay.

      Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      I kind of had a slightly different problem with Derek here. (I’m only basing this on the review, not having recalled this episode at all). They seem to play Derek up as being gay. That’s cool. I’m down with it. But then they have him saying that goalies get babes. And then Joey hands him the rainbow jersey like he sees right through Derek’s statement, and that he really IS gay. Given that they seem to put the dads in some situations that could be construed as gay, the writers appear to be playing with the concept. “Let’s have the dads do stuff that kind of gay, but we’ll insist they’re straight. Then we’ll have a kid who seems gay, but we’ll make him make a really straight statement.” It feels like a joke, but not the corny kind they’re aiming for. I dunno. Maybe I’m comparing an early-90’s show with today’s standards. Just… damn. If you’re going to have a gay character, have one. Don’t yank the chains of little, impressionable gay kids who might be watching this God-forsaken show 😛

      Like

  32. Jack says:

    The issue could be if she only played the first half, and that was her first time in the second. Given that they switch sides, it’s *easier* to do the own goal thing.

    Admittedly, I was defender/goalie, (aside from my last game, where I scored the last goal of the game. Mercy-ruled the other team. Sorta…anyway) so I didn’t exactly have that problem. Kick the ball toward the far goal >_>

    Like

  33. Jo says:

    “There was a time when Rebecca Donaldson would show up and set things straight when all the dads were doing such a shitty job, but those days are long behind us and now all she’s good for is singing tv theme songs into a turkey baster.”

    A moment of silence for R.D.

    Like

  34. Bri says:

    I just watched this episode, and by far the most obnoxious thing about it is that none of the “you can’t use that” clips Stephanie recorded are the same both when they actually happen and in her video at the end. In Becky’s, Jesse was totally dancing in front of the camera when they walked in, and they both clapped and said something to her before she asked how much they saw. But in Steph’s video, she had a clear shot of Becky, and she asked how much they saw immediately. With Danny’s, in the actual scene, Jesse and Michelle laughed before Jesse mocked Danny, and he also paused before making the buzzing noise. There are differences like those in all of them, and while they’re minor, it’s really annoying that the directors couldn’t at least try to make it a bit more consistent. But who am I kidding – they can’t even be consistent about major plot lines and characters.

    Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      I noticed that, too! And, in the shot where Michelle scores in the wrong goal, when it actually happened, it took a good 10 secs before the other team walked up to her and started patting her on the back.

      In Stephanie’s version, they come up to her right away.

      While those differences are minor, that makes it less excusable in my opinion. Why couldn’t they just have Jodi Sweeten actually film that stuff and then show the real footage at the end?

      It looks like the directors of Full House have Jersey’s work ethic.

      Like

  35. Teebore says:

    Seriously, why don’t any of these other kids ever seem to have any parents?

    Given the way everyone in the full house demands to be front and center of everything, I’m pretty sure the dads all pushed out any other parent volunteers.

    which is, of course, DJ’s choice. If she is not comfortable with making out with him, it is her right as a woman to abstain from such acts. U.N.I.T.Y., that spells unity

    which prompts her to start singing the theme song from COPS into a turkey baster

    For a brief moment, I thought you were saying she started singing the theme song to the early 90s animated series C.O.P.S, which says way more about me than anything else.

    her conviction is undeniable because she has her arms outstretched with her palms up.

    Agreed. That is the universal sign for “I could not be any more serious”.

    then Joey tells them both the back the fuck off his coaching gig.

    I think it would have been awesome if Joey said, “screw this, Aaron, you take the shot”.

    Like

  36. osizz says:

    This is the point in the series where Michelle really starts to resemble Baby Sinclair from Dinosaurs

    25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ma9ej7u2oF1ryja19o1_400.jpg

    Like

  37. Julia says:

    This blog is hilarious! I used to love Full House as a kid, and now reading your blog I realise what a shitty show it really was. I am still catching up by reading the archive, but I wanted to show you this:

    With all your references to the dads being gay, I thought this belongs here.

    Like

  38. Whaaaa? Hell must have frozen over because it’s Friday and there’s no new Full House Reviewed post!

    I hope you are okay, Billy!

    Like

  39. Michelle's acting coach says:

    Saw this episode on TV tonight and noticed that Kimmy Gibbler moved from the house next door to the house behind. Maybe the Gibblers couldn’t pass up the real estate bargain created when the Tanners put a driveway through their back neighbor’s yard, and quite possibly house, too.

    Like

  40. Melanie says:

    I just needed to take a moment and point out that this episode was written by one of the writers and executive producers of Arrested Development, Chuck Tatham.

    Let that sink in for a minute.

    Like

  41. Megan says:

    Aaron is always a little snot nose brat!!!

    Like

  42. SavaFiend says:

    First of all, I have to say I’m surprised that Danny lets any of his daughters play sports of any kind, since he’s such a clean freak and sports=dirt.

    But anyway, on another note…so Stephanie was in the bathroom closet while Jesse was doing his hair? Wait, look how far about those supposed slats in the closet are! That’s like not even having a closet door at all! And I thought the whole point of bathroom closets was for towels, cleaning supplies, etc. Every bathroom closet I’ve ever seen had shelves. How the hell does Stephanie fit in there, with a video camera, no less? Let’s all remember how fucking huge and unwieldy video cameras were back then!

    Like

  43. Teddy's in my basement says:

    I…have no words. I love you Billy Superstar.

    Like

  44. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    We played Football (Soccer) and there were kids doing flips and other strange shit on the pitch. So, the lil’ princess scoring her own goal was pretty tame in comparison to how we acted when we played AYSO.

    Like

    • LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

      We had a kid on our team who was doing pirouettes during a game and they had to stop everything. He was still allowed to play on the team. And no it was NOT Derek S. Boyd in care you were all wondering.

      Like

  45. Angela says:

    To be fair, it was an honest mistake on Michelle’s part. Clearly, Derek’s playing for the other team.

    …I’ll show myself out.

    Like

  46. Corannhena says:

    Michelle’s kicking the ball into the wrong goal reminded me of a Calvin and Hobbes comic in which Calvin is on the (school?) baseball team, he’s in the outfield (like WAY out there) and he notices the teams switching places, but doesn’t realise he’s supposed to switch with them, so he stays out there. A ball comes his way and he catches it, and is proud of himself for doing so until one of his teammates comes up to him and is like “You caught the ball for the wrong team! You got our own guy out!” Calvin sheepishly grins and purposefully drops the ball, saying it doesn’t count now since he dropped it. I think he quit playing after that.

    Like

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