Season 7, Episode 5, “Fast Friends”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle gives the dog a cookie for rolling over on command, and then the twins roll over on the floor so they each get a cookie, too.  Then the twins and the dog all roll around on the floor because they want more cookies.  This pre-credits gag seems like a pretty shameless effort to cram all the pets and littlest kids onto the screen at once.  At least the dog is pretty cute.

Uncle Jesse is about to enjoy his last breakfast sausage but then Michelle asks him if he’s gonna eat it and he just sheepishly hands it right over to her.  Seriously, this whole Michelle-controlling-everyone thing has gotten totally out of control. Everyone acts like she’s going to murder them if they don’t do what she says.  I think that this would be a way better show if a gigantic convict played the role of Michelle.  It would definitely make more sense of the way that everyone treats her.

Stephanie asks Danny for style advice, which is like the blind leading the blind.  Her style choices are between “post-preppy chic” and “neo-retro grunge.”  I don’t even have anything to add to that.  It just is what it is.

Danny says that when he was a kid all he had to choose from was his brother’s and his dad’s clothes, even though there’s never been any mention of him having any brothers before.  Just a sister, who had a pet monkey and fucked Joey and then was never seen again (possibly due to shame, what with having fucked Joey and all).  Anyway, Stephanie complains about how lame and irrelevant she is at her new Junior High school and Danny and Jesse lie to her by saying that she’s great and that if she’ll just be herself, everything will be fine.  What they really should tell her to do is kill herself.  Actually, she should kill Joey first, then herself.  Think of how beneficial it would be to society if that happened!  I’d settle for her just killing Joey if I had to.

Stephanie washes her hands after taking a big disgusting shit in the bathroom at the Junior High.  She discovers that the hand dryer is broken so she drags an excessive amount of toilet paper out from the stall and over to the sink for some reason.  I guess this is supposed to be some form of physical comedy but it doesn’t even make any sense.

She’s not even trying to dry her hands with it, she’s just amassing a huge amount of toilet paper for no clear reason, all while it’s still spooling from the roll in the stall.  All of this is witnessed by an alternative-looking 7th grader named Mickey, who decides to befriend Stephanie for some reason (pity, probably.  Or to feel better about herself.).

The first trick of Junior High that Mickey shows Stephanie is that the hand dryer actually does work, you just have to twist it like a combination lock before you push it, which makes about as much sense as what Stephanie did with the toilet paper.  Why is everything that happens in this bathroom so unorthodox?  Maybe the writer was raised in a shack in the woods or something and has no relationship with our newfangled water closet devices.

Down at the radio station, Jesse and Joey prepare for the new teen-advice segment of their show.  I kind of assumed that they didn’t have these jobs anymore, but now that I know that they still do, I feel only indifference.  DJ, Steve and Kimmie Gibbler arrive at the station so that they can help with the teen advice show, seeing as how their sheltered lives have provided them with such worldy wisdom and everything.  Man, I’d give anything if the advice show got a call about abortion or crystal meth addiction or something.

Joey and Jesse argue about the name of the show.  Joey wants to call it “Teen Talk” and Jesse wants to go with “Yakkin’ with Youth.”  Those are both pretty bad, but, I’m loathe to admit, Joey’s is clearly the better title.

A troubled youth calls in to ask for advice about homework but all the uncles can do is argue some more about the stupid name of their worthless fucking show.  They go out into the hallway to argue while DJ fields the question which is, thankfully for her, within her severely limited realm of experience.  After DJ dishes out some advice, she and the other teens just sit there not knowing what to do because the uncles are still arguing in the hallway.  Dead air ensues.  How can these guys have an advice show when they’re so clearly unable to manage their own lives?

Aaron Bailey has to hang out at the full house after school so he yells at everybody and talks shit about how crappy all of the food in the full house is.  He’s only in the episode for a few minutes but they’re densely packed with antagonistic contempt.  Oh, Aaron Bailey, you’re my hero!

Stephanie comes home with her new friend Mickey and Danny is troubled by her 90’s alterna-teen wardrobe and allusions to skipping gym class, sure signs of a troubled youth.  She declines an invitation to dinner, saying that she has to make dinner for her mom, who she disrespectfully refers to by her first name.  After she leaves, Danny expresses concern and says that Mickey has “an edge” to her, and then Stephanie’s like, “fuck you, Danny, that’s the only kid in the whole school that will even talk to me,” then she runs upstairs to pout.

Later, back at the Junior High bathroom, Mickey and Stephanie rebelliously apply make-up until a group of girls come in who seem awfully unruly, as indicated by one of them finishing an anecdote upon entering the room with, “so I said, ‘that’s the worst fake I.D. I ever saw.'”  That’s some truly inspired dialogue is what that is.  You really know everything you need to know about these characters from that one line, and not just because they’re all tragically one-dimensional.

Mickey introduces Stephanie to the unruly girls, who are apparently her friends.  They don’t take much of a shine to Stephanie, probably because she laughs uproariously at her own corny jokes during their introduction.  The girls begin to have a discussion common among rebellious young ladies about how attractive their math teacher is, and then they pull out cigarettes!  Stephanie tries to conjure up a lame excuse about why she doesn’t want to smoke but it’s not even worth trying because it’s already pretty obvious to these girls that she’s a total square.

I have to interject here and say that I never experienced much pressure to smoke in my youth.  Sure, it was an easy way to score points with shitty kids like this, but aside from an occasional offer, it wasn’t much of a thing.  I think it was because cigarettes are pretty expensive and hard to acquire when you’re that age, so most kids who smoke kind of want to keep them for themselves.  Anyway, Stephanie declines the cigarette and then hurries off to class when the bell rings while the girls mock her.  Mickey tells the girls to quit being such shit-talkers but then she stays to smoke as Stephanie dejectedly exits the scene.

Stephanie comes home and plays cards with Michelle and Aaron Bailey in her room but she gets all pissed off about their improvised rules so she has a big hissy fit and then goes downstairs to color with the twins.  While the babies are coloring she starts to pretend that a white crayon is a cigarette and then her mimed smoking provokes one of the twins to say, “bah stuffy.”

You know, I have much less of a problem with the twins than I did with Michelle when she was a baby because they don’t look so much like those troll dolls that I hate so much, but my biggest issue with them is that they actually emphasize the quality of the Olsen twins’ performance.  Don’t get me wrong, the Olsen twins were never remotely impressive, but it’s also true that you can’t really expect much from a 2-year old when you put them into a scripted scene.  I never considered giving credit to the fact that the Olsen twins managed to cobble together coherent lines and follow cues before these new twins showed up and started babbling and looking confused throughout all of their scenes.  Granted, it’s more of a challenge because they’re both onscreen at once so you can’t just switch them out when something isn’t working, but regardless, it draws attention to the fact that, as bad as Michelle is, she could have been even worse.  I really resent Nicky and Alex for making me realize that.

Meanwhile, down at the radio station, the uncles continue to argue over the name of their show while DJ, Steve and Kimmie Gibbler just sit there.  Wait, is this supposed to be the next day?  It would have to be to correlate with the other storyline, plus the kids are wearing different outfits.  Does that mean that these kids are regulars on this show?  It would also mean that the uncles have now spent two entire episodes arguing over the name of the show and not giving out any advice.  You know, these two fucks have been sucking so bad at every job they’ve had for seven years now. I just don’t know what else is left to say about it.  Anyway, they all decide to vote on what the title of the show should be and then DJ ends up being the deciding vote and she says the only sensible thing that anyone’s ever said on this entire series, which is that both titles are lame.

Their discussion is cut short by a caller, which makes me wonder what was supposed to be happening on the air while this discussion was happening if they’re still taking calls.  The caller is a foreigner named Olga who turns out to be Stephanie doing a really bad accent, which makes sense because who the fuck else would be listening to this show?

Stephanie masterfully takes on the persona of Olga as she asks about whether or not she should succumb to peer pressure and smoke.  The advice given is a brief PSA from the cast about how smoking is bad and anyone who pressures you to smoke isn’t really your friend and all that shit.  I’m actually pretty opposed to smoking but I still rolled my eyes at their preachy response.  I think shit like this is exactly why kids think that it’s cool to smoke.  After the call is over the uncles agree that they’ve been a couple of stupid assholes for fighting over those terrible names for the show because the real point is to help people and then they never resolve what the name should be.

Stephanie paces back and forth in her room until Danny comes in and tells her that he was able to deduce that she was Olga.  Stephanie apologizes for not telling him what happened, although you can’t really blame her for worrying that it would get her into trouble because we all remember that very special episode from one of the early Seasons when DJ got in hella trouble for knowing some kids who drank beer.  Anyway, Danny tells Stephanie that he’s proud of her for not smoking and then she tells him that she thinks that she still wants to be friends with Mickey even though she is troubled.  The music comes on as Danny tells her that she should be friends with Mickey if she wants to but if she doesn’t then she shouldn’t feel like she has to, which is the most ambivalent advice that has ever accompanied the music.  Stephanie asks Danny some more questions about how she should approach Mickey that sound remarkably like questions about dating and Danny still doesn’t really provide any real answers.  He just says that it gets easier.  Man, that was the most ineffective music ever.

Once again, we find ourselves in the girls bathroom at the Junior High.  I think it’s really odd that Stephanie’s school is wholly represented by this one bathroom.   Anyway, Stephanie is confronted by the crew of girls and the leader, Gia, immediately starts talking mad shit.  Stephanie engages her in a verbal sparring match that results in Mickey laughing at her lame retorts.  Gia decides to take her crew out of the bathroom but Mickey opts to stay behind and hang out with Stephanie.  Mickey asks Stephanie if she wants to hang out after school and she says, “I do, but my lungs don’t,” which doesn’t even make any fucking sense at all.  Anyway, Mickey says that she’s considering cutting down on smoking and then they walk to class together while talking about what a hot piece of ass their math teacher is.

That may have qualified as a very special episode and yet I do not feel as though I learned a valuable lesson.

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128 Responses to Season 7, Episode 5, “Fast Friends”

  1. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    I’m more interested in that fake ID that Gia was talking about.

    These days, fake IDs have changed. Bouncers scan IDs like never before. So you have to know a reputable dealer. Sometimes that fake ID can get you caught red handed when you’re trying to get into your favorite watering hole. And unless you work at the DMV and Bart Simpson’s aunts, printing out a fake ID is harder than it looks. I went to school with some white wigga kid who bamboozled half of our fellow freshmen in fake IDs that nearly got us kicked off campus because the bar codes weren’t properly laminated. Luckily, I straightened myself out after that incident and gradumacated wit a 3.2 GPA.

    And the fuck is Dawn pacing around in her room for? And does Danny have all the time in the world to listen to the #TeenTalk/YackinWithYouth segment? He has a family of social leeches to support. Don’t tell me that he’s one of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cheerio says:

    “I do, but my lungs don’t.”

    That actually does make sense.

    “I want to hang out with you but it’s not worth it if you’re gonna smoke and destroy my lungs.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. CanOx says:

    No one mad over the waste of paper for this scene? Stupid.


  4. Lloyd Mongul says:

    Joey and Jesses advice to teens “mooch off your successful friends”


  5. Bridget says:

    Lloyd, they might as well give the mooching advice on the radio and it would be a meta moment. I was surprised by DJ’s advice to the boy on the radio for him to do his own homework after his friend moved away. Do you remember how the boy said he paid his buddy to do his homework since 1st grade? Joey actually did DJ’s math homework when the house was going crazy over baby Tony and Joey pretended to be Bill who was in the algebra problem trying to buy nuts. He called a nut company. DJ solved the math problem by calling the homework hotline. DJ told Joey to finish the math problems and show his work. I think her math teacher lectured the hell out of DJ when she noticed the work wasn’t in DJ’s hand. DJ telling this boy to do his own homework holds no water in this situation because of the many times she allowed Kimmy to copy off of her! In real life, DJ and Kimmy would be given detention for that!


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