Season 7, Episode 6, “Smash Club: The Next Generation”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Stephanie tries to enjoy a peaceful moment to herself watching the clouds but then Michelle ruins it.

Danny and Becky prepare for next week’s episode of Wake Up, San Francisco, which will feature a Sumo wrestler who is going to demonstrate some of his moves on Danny.  Their discussion is interrupted by Jesse, who comes home and says that the guy who owned the Smash Club, a character that we’ve never seen or heard mention of before, not even one time, has died and left the club to Jesse in his will.  There is a brief questioning of why he would have done such a thing and they speculate that it’s because Jesse’s shitty band played there more than any other shitty band, but we all know that it’s because Jesse’s lot in life is to piss and shit his way through everything while being copiously rewarded despite his total lack of talent or effort.  Danny reads the fine print in the will and discovers that if Jesse doesn’t open the club soon then he’ll lose the deed.  Becky questions Jesse’s ability to run a club but he assures her that being terrible at everything has never stopped him before.

Michelle cleans her room and then the twins run in and yell, “pushell.”  She tells them that she can’t hang out because she has to clean her room and then they start putting her toys into her foot locker, which is apparently the sole requirement of cleaning her room, so Michelle just lays back on her bed and watches them do her work for her.

DJ, Steve and Kimmie Gibbler all come home and celebrate the arrival of Friday.  Stephanie asks them if they have any plans and they admit that they don’t, and I have to say that I’m pretty surprised that they didn’t say that they’d be watching T.G.I.F. on ABC.  Jesse comes into the room and everyone congratulates him on acquiring the Smash Club and then they talk about how much it sucks dick that they never get to see any live bands because all the good clubs are for ages 21 and over.  This provides Jesse with the epiphany that the best way to make the Smash Club as boring and lame as everything else in his life is to not serve booze or have an age limit.

Jesse tries to clean up the club to make it presentable before a lady from the bank comes over to inspect it.  It’s pretty clear that this whole scenario would go a lot smoother if he’d bothered to show up just a little bit earlier to organize things rather than hastily attempt to get rid of a bunch of garbage in a few minutes.  He brings Joey along to help him but all Joey does is get scared at the sight of a rat and break his head through the counter of the bar.  That’s actually more helpful than I would have predicted he’d be.

Joey discovers that he’s stuck just as the lady from the bank shows up so Jesse tries to conceal him by putting a bucket over his head. Joey immediately starts sneezing under the bucket so the lady from the bank investigates to see what’s under there and is startled to discover the head of the worst comedian on the planet.

Jesse and Joey try to compensate for how weird it is that Joey’s head is stuck in the counter by attempting to turn it into an impromptu sales pitch but the lady from the bank quickly tells them to shut the fuck up and quit wasting her time.  She starts asking the actual practical questions that someone would need to know the answers to before approving a loan, like if the building is up to code, and it immediately becomes clear that Jesse has done no research or made any effort at all to learn anything about what is required to open a business. Well, no shit.  He couldn’t even put in the effort to pick the garbage up off the floor so it’s not like he could be expected to read a book or something.  Jesse is denied the loan and I guess that we’re supposed to feel bad for him about how the club that he was given for free can’t be opened because a bank wont give him some money to fix it up because he didn’t even try a little bit to figure out what he needed the money for.  Why doesn’t he just hit his wife up for the money?  Or Danny?

Danny laments the sexy outfit he’s going to have to wear on tv when he gets manhandled by that Sumo wrestler.  Jesse come downstairs and is rather chipper because he was able to convince the lady from the bank to give him another interview and he’s actually going to put in some effort into knowing his ass from his elbow for once.  Michelle gives him a congratulatory hug and the audience goes, “aww.”

Michelle sits in the backyard and makes the twins do her bidding.  It’s actually a really short scene, probably due to the extremely limited capabilities of all of the actors involved.

Danny comes home all fucked up after getting his ass handed to him by that Sumo wrestler on Wake Up, San Francisco.  I guess they decided not to film that scene because it might have been enjoyable to watch.  Actually, seeing as how we would have had to have seen Danny in those little Sumo undies, I guess we can say that we dodged a bullet.  Danny presses a frozen rump roast against his sore back and makes orgasmic moaning sounds that immediately nullify my relief over not having had to see him in those little undies.

Michelle continues to order the twins around in the backyard so they call her “mean Michelle” and spray her with the hose.  Right on!

Michelle gets all pissed and starts yelling and then Danny and Becky come outside to see what all the commotion is.  Michelle complains about how the twins staged a coup after she made them her personal slaves and then the music comes on as Becky and Danny explain to her that she’s been being a real bitch and it’s not cool exploit her cousins like that.  Michelle apologizes and then they all hug and the audience goes, “aww.”  I’m kind of surprised that they used the music for this scenario since it only took up like 2 minutes of the episode.  It’s also one of the least inspired lessons in the entire series, which is really saying a lot.  “Don’t force your 2-year old relatives to pick up after you and get you water and stuff.”  You can really see how cynical and effortless the series is at this point.

The girls quiz Jesse about what the different health and zoning codes are even though he’s not required to have them all memorized by what their number is, he just needs to makes sure that his building follows them.  It doesn’t matter anyway because he doesn’t know them either way.

The lady from the bank shows up and starts going over details with Jesse.  She says that the food preparation area will have to be upgraded and then Jesse paces around and stammers while trying to remember the number of that code even though she never asked him what it was.  Michelle comes in from the kitchen, where all the girls are listening in, and comes up with a lame excuse to show Jesse her hidden piece of paper that has the code written on it.

What the fuck is this?  The lady from the bank is not asking him what the numbers of these codes are.  All Jesse has to do is figure out what the upgrades he needs are and say that he’s going to do them.  She’s not even quizzing him about what they are and seems pretty willing to provide him with all of the information that he needs.  All he has to do is say “uh-huh.”  This is just total nonsense.  The weirdest thing about it is that every time Jesse is sneakily given one of the code numbers by one of his nieces, which happens several times, he rattles it off to the lady from the bank and she just looks at him like, “why are you even saying that?”  So even the people who are making the show know that this is nonsense.  So why is it even happening?  It’s one thing when it seems like nobody who made this show knew any better, but in this case they clearly did.

After Jesse stammers and cheats his way through the interview for several more painful minutes, the lady from the bank asks him why he wants to reopen the Smash Club.  He tries to get his nieces to sneak him the answer even though it’s an open-ended question and then he makes a half-assed attempt to deliver a business-centric answer and then the lady from the bank tells him that she can’t help him.  Out of desperation, Jesse says that he’s not a businessman and doesn’t belong in her suit-and-tie world, and then the music comes on as he explains that he wants to reopen the Smash Club because he loves it and he wants there to be a corny, g-rated nightclub for freakishly wholesome people who enjoy terrible covers of songs that weren’t that good in the first place.  Then he tells her that he’s going to find a way to reopen the club with or without a loan from the bank (presumably by “borrowing” the money from his wife, or Danny) and she replies by telling him that she’s going to approve his loan.  She explains that he provided exactly the right answer because it came from his heart, which is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life.  How many entrepreneurs have been told to stick their dreams up their asses even though they were a million times more qualified and prepared than Jesse is here?  All those unfortunate, cast-out individuals had plenty of heart, too.  Jesse getting this loan for no reason is one of those cases where this show surpasses naivete and just ends up being straight-up insulting.

Finally, for no reason at all, the lady from the bank tells Jesse that she’s seen him perform at the Smash Club a bunch of times because she used to be a cage dancer there.  What?!!?

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124 Responses to Season 7, Episode 6, “Smash Club: The Next Generation”

  1. Cathy Santoni says:

    “Out of desperation, Jesse says that he’s not a businessman and doesn’t belong in her suit-and-tie world, and then the music comes on as he explains that he wants to reopen the Smash Club because he loves it and he wants there to be a corny, g-rated nightclub for freakishly wholesome people who enjoy terrible covers of songs that weren’t that good in the first place” This had me CRYING with laughter! You’re writing is sooo good! I have a lady boner for your writing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

      There should be an FHR Lady Boner Fan Club

      Liked by 2 people

    • Austin says:

      As for the part about terrible covers of songs:

      When Jesse finally played “Good Vibrations”, I went to look it up on YouTube, thinking that they finally picked a Beach Boys song that didn’t suck ass. However, Billysuperstar wasn’t lying about it having this weird island feel, so yes, I still have Beach Boys blue balls.

      But really, I should have known. The reason the song is so great is not because of the chords or melody. It’s all the work the Brian Wilson put into it (and the bass line), and you really can’t reproduce that live. Or if you can, Full House sure as hell isn’t going to try.

      Like

  2. Angela says:

    Danny and Becky prepare for next week’s episode of Wake Up, San Francisco, which will feature a Sumo wrestler who is going to demonstrate some of his moves on Danny.

    I think this blog has further corrupted me, because my mind went to a very strange, disturbing place upon reading this sentence. And between that and the whole thing with Danny in that little white getup, I…need to go find some brain bleach post-haste.

    Becky questions Jesse’s ability to run a club but he assures her that being terrible at everything has never stopped him before.

    Loved this (and hands up, who among us is not even remotely surprised that Jesse didn’t do his research?).

    Also, the screenshots of Joey’s head stuck in the counter and the club dancer thing cracked me up. Hilarious review, as always-I look forward to your thoughts on other episodes dealing with this place.

    Like

    • Movolo says:

      I don’t remember much about FH even thought I watched it sparingly when I was young, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this club was never seen or mentioned again.

      Like

      • Corey says:

        Believe it or not, the club sticks around for the remainder of the series, providing us with multiple displays of Jesse being a shitbag to everyone around him.

        Like

      • Movolo says:

        In that case I’m am surprised they just didn’t set up the club in the Full house basement or something. I’m looking forward to the episode where Stephanie drives a car through it.

        Like

  3. TomLynn says:

    Hey there y’all! I’m a long time reader and a second time commenter I would just like to take a moment out to say how much I love FHR~ I work a 6 a.m. before I have class on Fridays, and this websites is one of the few this that makes being up at 5:30 okay. Like there have been reviews that literaly had me in tears and there has not been one that disappointed. Billy, you are truly a very talented individual!

    Pre-Credits Gag: Stephanie tries to enjoy a peaceful moment to herself watching the clouds but then Michelle ruins it.

    I have to admit, I love the Olsen twins. I share my birthday with them and I like to think of myself as the lost triplet (yeah I’m a creep *Knaye shrug*). You can’t tell me anything, Ashley Olsen is perfection. Since I was a little girl I was full fledged obsessed with those blonde girls. I had the dolls, every book and every movie. So it only makes sense that Full House was an obsession. Up until I was around 12 or 13 I would watch the show 3 or 4 times a day. I knew it was a train wreck, but it had some spell over me. I always thought Michelle Tanner was the worst child on earth, but I couldn’t stop.

    And, I mean, John Stamos. He’s still hot as hell. Like, goddamn!

    Michelle sits in the backyard and makes the twins do her bidding. It’s actually a really short scene, probably due to the extremely limited capabilities of all of the actors involved.

    I vaguely remember this from my childhood and I remember being mildly creeped out. That screencap left me with the strangest, most uncomfortable feeling.

    Like

    • Corey says:

      I got into the MK and A craze when I was a kid, too (I’m also a blonde girl their age). I absolutely loved the detective movie series and was pretty into the other movies and books. Yet, I still completely fucking hated Michelle Tanner. I think this proves that there is no way anybody in the world could find that character anything other than the worst creature to ever live.

      Like

      • Austin says:

        When I was a boy, the detective show was my very favorite thing on tv, and I probably still have the VHS of How The West Was Fun. Don’t judge.

        Like

  4. penny says:

    This episode made me excited when it originally aired, because Uncle Jesse said his “favorite” code was 07470 — the ZIP Code of Wayne, NJ. I grew up in Wayne, and I thought it was super-cool that Full House randomly had a shoutout to my hometown. Actually, I still think that’s cool, even if this episode is a giant pile of dogshit that makes no sense.

    The resolution about Jesse getting the loan because it came “from the heart” reminds me of the one where the police officer tries to arrest Joey for the stolen car he bought DJ, but doesn’t because he has such a loving family. What alternate reality do these writers live in, and can I go there for a day when life just doesn’t work out like that in any stretch of the imagination??

    Like

  5. hebrewersfan says:

    “the lady from the bank investigates to see what’s under there and is startled to discover the head of the worst comedian on the planet.”

    Truly horrifying.

    Like

  6. Barbara says:

    If only that hose had been hooked up to a tank of acid.

    Like

  7. lovetolaugh says:

    Happy Friday all!

    What a hilarious/mortifying screencap of Joey with is head stuck. Yikes!

    Seriously, though, why does Jesse always bring Joey along for assistance when it has consistently proven to be counterproductive? Is it out of pity at this point?

    You know, these reviews have enlightened me on what a total asshole Jesse really is. When I was a naive child who enjoyed watching this show and thought it was funny (ARGGHHHH!), I used to think Jesse was much too cool for the full house. Seriously, I did.

    Now I feel that he’s one of the worst characters on this show. Danny’s a corny, overbearing nerd, but at least he owns up to being that way! We’re not supposed to think anything different of him. Jesse, on the other hand, is supposed to be so “cool” and is always berating his wife for making his sons wear “uncool” booties and hats, but truthfully he is every bit as corny and obnoxious as the niece he always kisses inappropriately.

    And MAJOR eyeroll at the lady’s sentiment that Jesse should have his loan approved because of his saccharine speech that “came from his heart”. You know what comes from my heart? The desire to see one of these people FOR ONCE not get what they want and be able to graciously accept defeat.

    But no, the full house operates in a world where an 8-year-old has total mind control over the adults who provide for her; where eating disorders can be resolved by a music-filled talk from dad; where Joey gets attractive women; and where Jesse can insult every hard worker, blue and white collar, by being a totally half-assed exterminator, jingle-writer, musician, radio DJ, uncle, father, husband, and Smash Club owner, all in a matter of 7 years.

    What a piece of poo.

    Sorry for the rant, I guess I just have a lot of feelings.

    Great job on the review and have a wonderful weekend, everyone!

    Like

  8. Michelle's acting coach says:

    Didn’t the Tanners ruin a show for Jesse — on his birthday no less — at the Smash Club? I seem to remember the whole family singing with him when his band “double booked” (bailed). If I’m right about that it would mean that the old smash club’s business model seems to be EXACTLY THE SAME as the new one.

    And if DJ can’t remember that she has in fact been to an establishment playing lame music and catering to the teen demographic she should look around the room the next time she’s hosting teen talk.

    Like

    • hebrewersfan says:

      Good point, had to go back to the archives and confirm they were at the Smash Club, and not some other nondescript club, but it indeed was the Smash Club that they went to back in the “I’m there for you babe” episode.

      Like

  9. Rudy Zoltec says:

    You know what would have been a better story here?

    Jesse never gets the Smash Club up to code. Opens it for business anyway.
    Massive fire breaks out at the club and hundreds of people die. Jesse goes to jail.

    Now wouldn’t that be much better?

    Like

    • Michelle's acting coach says:

      It would be a great series finale, especially if Michelle dies in the fire.

      Like

    • Grant Spatchcock says:

      Michelle starts a fire because no one paid attention to her for a whole 30 seconds. Hundreds die. 8 year old Michelle is sentenced as an adult and imprisoned for life with no parole.

      Like

      • Anisky says:

        Oh, come on. All that would happen is that the adults would have a Talking To with Michelle and then apologize for not paying attention to her!

        Like

    • Bridget says:

      Kimmy said during the high school prank episode that since Jesse helped them, the police would shave his head, throw him in the clink, and force him to listen to his own music.

      Like

  10. SHough610 says:

    Finally, for no reason at all, the lady from the bank tells Jesse that she’s seen him perform at the Smash Club a bunch of times because she used to be a cage dancer there.

    “Yes, back in the days before AIDS I used to get coked off my tits and be the hair metal cum jar! Now I’m clean, for real this time, and working at a bank. For some reason the bank did absolutely no background research and assigned me to see if we should give a high-risk loan to someone with no experience that I have a personal history with. Later!”

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Bridget says:

    I agree with every person that Jesse and Joey get these cool jobs handed to them without education and experience. I know a lot of you are gonna think I’m a dreamer or something, but wouldn’t that be an ideal world to live in? As for me, I’ll wait for another temp job. I sorted records at a motorcycle place for one of the jobs and the people there were nice, free spirited risk takers. It lasted three days longer than the job I was let go from. As for Jesse keeping fire codes in mind, I remember the night club fire from 2003 and it looked like the aftermath of Carrie White’s prom when they showed the damage on the news. Billy, I am surprised you didn’t mention Joey sticking his obscenely long tongue at the bank lady as a replacement for a hand to shake.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. It’s so clear that Joey’s head is not stuck in the counter and that there is a U-shaped notch cut out that he has his head in. You can see the back of his neck protruding beyond the edge of the counter.

    That last screen cap, with that woman getting moist over her cage dancing days, is the stuff of nightmares. Even worse than that picture of a shaved bear I saw recently. I think she was just playing hardball with Jermsey, hoping that he might resort to sexual seduction to get his loan. Who are we kidding? Bumping uglies with the cage dancing bank lady would still be more effort than he’s ever put into anything, ever.

    Like

  13. Bridget says:

    Thank you. I thought it was silly for Jesse to memorize those codes and it’s not like he was gonna go into medical coding! I thought of doing that, but when I saw the coding book and it was the size of a huge telephone book, my heart sank. I am sure Billy will be ready to slice and dice the opening club show and the only bright spot was the DelRubio triplets. They seemed like nice ladies and I think Dr. Phil’s daughter-in-law and her triplet sisters will look like them when they’re seniors. His wife has a twin brother and I did expect a multiple birth from the daughter-in-law but she had one baby. Richard Thomas and his ex were expecting identical twin girls, but God gave them triplet identical girls. On another website, this lady said she and her grandma would argue about Ashley and Mary-Kate and her grandma insisted they were triplets because she saw Mary-Kate as Mary and Kate. I think we’re all in agreement that the Olsen triplets would be nightmarish. A bigger nightmare would be the Olsen quints and they would be famous like the Dionne quints from the 1930s.

    Like

  14. Bridget says:

    I think everyone should go on YouTube and watch Pearl the landlord with Will Farrell and the sequel with 2 year old Pearl as a cop. She is hilarious and doesn’t look like a monkey.

    Like

  15. Lauren says:

    Pre-credits gag template:

    ________ tries to ________ but Michelle ruins it

    There. Just plug in whatever name and activity, and you’re done! I’m assuming we’ll see the same basic pre-credits gag in nearly every episode left.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. kenzington says:

    I would have been so down for a cage-dancer-turned-bank-loan-approver spinoff. They could’ve called it Cage Assessment.

    Like

  17. lovetolaugh says:

    Danny’s eyes are literally rolling back in his head in that one screen cap, aren’t they?

    As alluring and exuberant as Vicky is, she just can’t compete with that frozen rump roast 😦

    Like

  18. Amber says:

    Jesse takes over the Smash Club…. Does this mean the episode with Human Pudding is coming soon??? “We are human! We are pudding! Human Pudding!!”
    Dear God in Heaven I cannot wait for that review…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ryan says:

      I have to say, the episodes that involve the Smash Club are the most bearable, IMO. The one you mention and the one where Stephanie and Gia and Kimmy and some other chick start a band are the two I remember the most.

      Like

  19. Bridget says:

    I think everyone on this board would admit that while FH is a terrible show, it’s escapism from the things life throws at you. When Robert Reed died, I think it was Florence Henderson who read a letter written by a woman who lived in a dysfunctional household as a kid and “The Brady Bunch” helped her escape that. She wrote at the end of her letter, Thank you, Dad. I hate it when comedies get too serious for their own good. At least FH never talked about DJ’s menstruation, although I was waiting for that! Everyone can be honest and say they were waiting for that like when Rudy had her first period.

    Like

    • Corey says:

      Rebecca Donaldson was around by the time DJ would have gotten her period. Otherwise you KNOW it would have been a very special episode with lots of creepy comments from Jesse and Joey about DJ’s flowering vagina.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I think Bill Cosby thought parents did not discuss menstruation with their daughters and that is why they decided to film Rudy getting it. I want to think Rebecca would tell those two morons to shut their stupid mouths and not tease DJ! Al Bundy bitched when Kelly, Peg, and Marcy all got their periods on a camping trip. I want to see the five Duggar daughters all get their periods at the same time! I think it would be called “19 Children and Counting-A Period Piece.”

        Like

      • Blake says:

        Your obsession with the Duggars is more disturbing than anything in the Full House universe.

        Liked by 1 person

      • LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

        Blake who played Derek from Full House?

        Like

    • Oasis says:

      Bridget, I remember that letter being in the Editorial section of People Magazine the issue after he was featured. Even concluded the same way! That letter got around….

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I read on Jump the Shark a guy wrote that it was okay for Roseanne to discuss menstruation with Darlene when she got her first menses, but he was upset about Cosby doing it because, and I quote, “Christ, Bill, you’re a man!”.

        Like

  20. Melanie says:

    This is right when I started getting too old/smart for this show. I remember being so annoyed by Joey’s behavior at the club. Just tell the lady he got stuck! Why is that a big deal?! A bucket? FOR FUCK SAKE.

    Also, this kind of loan approval in the 90s is exactly what ruined the 2000s.

    Like

  21. I was watching an ep the other day with the Twins, and it dawned on me that their line delivery is EXACTLY the same as Pink Lady in Pink Lady & Jeff.

    I keep expecting them to do the “YES……. NOOOOOO….” quote-unquote gag from PL&J.

    Like

  22. Ben says:

    This is the first Full House episode written by future Simpsons writer Carolyn Omine, which begs the question: did Omine bring the Full House shittiness to the later seasons of the Simpsons, or was this episode supposed to be a self-parody about how awful Full House was?

    Like

    • That is kinda depressing. You would think a “no Full House writers wanted” would be like, de rigueur on most shows like that.

      Like

      • Melanie says:

        The “Wrong Way Tanner” episode a few weeks back was co-written by Chuck Tatham, the EP/writer of “Arrested Development”. Try to explain that one away.

        Like

      • Corey says:

        Okay srsly stahp, you guise, you’re freaking me out. 😦

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Hey now, you gotta start somewhere. Tim Burton worked as an animator for Disney back in the day, and Jackson Pollock was mentored by Thomas Hart Benson. Sometimes where you start out isn’t where you end up. I should also point out that quite a few professional novelists have started out as fanfic writers (although in this case, I’m completely omitting EL James, as Fifty Shades of Shit was based on crap to begin with, and said fanfic writers were actually stating out with good material). Do we feel better now?

        Like

      • trlkly says:

        Just because someone has a writer’s credit doesn’t mean that they were in charge of the final draft. Often outside writers complain about how the staff mutilated their scripts.

        Like

  23. magellan333 says:

    Check out the Shasa can in the shot of Joey’s head. I am floored at the set dresser’s effort to resemble an actual brand. Seems they would have just named it Cola or turned it around to be a white can.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. ListenUpFives says:

    Can the music now be introduced as its own character? As in …” and then Music comes on as Becky and Danny …” It has more range than most of the actors on the show, but we all know that that ain’t saying much.

    Like

  25. Corey says:

    This robot security check has stepped up its game. It’s asking double-digit math questions now. What, do I need a PhD. to read Full House Reviewed now?!

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      It wouldn’t let me post a comment because my answer of “four – 2” did not return the proper answer of 3. No, I’m not kidding. I plugged in 2 half a dozen times before giving up and typing in 3 out of frustration. It liked 3.
      There are four lights. FOUR. LIGHTS.

      Like

  26. teebore says:

    they speculate that it’s because Jesse’s shitty band played there more than any other shitty band

    And, apparently, the owner had absolutely no living relatives whatsoever. Man, I bet the probate court would have had a field day with that will. Also, props to the writers for including the sitcom-standard “the will says you get X but only if you do Y” plot. I’m frankly surprised Jesse didn’t have to spend the night in the haunted Smash Club to get it.

    I have to say that I’m pretty surprised that they didn’t say that they’d be watching T.G.I.F. on ABC.

    Ha! This show is even shitty at product placement.

    That’s actually more helpful than I would have predicted he’d be.

    At least he can’t do any more damage from back there.

    I guess they decided not to film that scene because it might have been enjoyable to watch.

    Also, they would have had to pay someone to be the sumo wrestler.

    she replies by telling him that she’s going to approve his loan

    Yes, because that’s exactly how banks work. Their only concern is loaning their money to people with good hearts.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Do wills actually exist out there where the dead person actually has conditions for collecting on the loot?
      And you’re right. Haunted Smash Club all the way. Only it would turn out that it was Joey and Becky running all the pranks, when it was revealed that Jermsey has a terror of ghosts. I wanna see his greasy hair fly up a la every character ever on Casper. Then they reveal that it was them the whole time, and the music is cued for some reason that I can’t think of now, but that’s okay, as the writers could never think of a good reason to cue the music either.

      Like

  27. Jo says:

    I spent some time trying to figure out if seeing Danny getting his ass kicked would outweigh the horror of seeing him in nothing but a little sumo costume. Ultimately, how much I would’ve been scarred by seeing him in the sumo outfit would have greatly outweighed any benefit I could’ve derived from seeing him beat up. The mental picture from that deliberation, however, is still the thing nightmares are made of 😦

    I wonder if I could convince job interviewers to hire me because my plea for employment came from my heart. “Well you see sir, I’ve gotten really accustomed to feeding myself…”

    Like

    • Ryan says:

      “I wonder if I could convince job interviewers to hire me because my plea for employment came from my heart.”

      I know, right? Finding a job would be so damn easy if employers hired people that pleaded for jobs from the heart. I’d have a job a thousand times over by now.

      Like

      • Ari says:

        “Finding a job would be so damn easy if employers hired people that pleaded for jobs from the heart.”

        Or in the FH case (esp Jermsey), hired people who have done nothing at all to deserve the job…

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        “Yesterday I felt sorry for myself, ate a box of Junior Mints for breakfast, and watched all of season 5 of BBT on DVD.”
        “Your ability to think out of the box on breakfast foods impresses me, as does your stamina for watching a whole season of a television show in one sitting. You’re hired!”
        “Great! I have this friend, Billy…”
        Billy Superstar would be CEO of that company.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        You and me both, Ryan! I have a 9 year old nephew named Ryan and we call him Rhino from time to time. Sometimes when I read job descriptions I think they want a robot not a human being to do all these jobs.

        Like

    • Bridget says:

      Jo, I watched “19 Kids and Counting” on TLC and the Duggar males all were samurais in the Orient when the whole clan visited Japan. I must say I am glad they weren’t sumo wrestlers!

      Like

  28. Bridget says:

    I don’t know if that would work, but it’s worth a shot. At the place I was temping for, the lady who was the boss seemed to favor another temp over me and they said I was too slow for 10 key. Excuse me, but when I type letters or numbers I take my time to make sure I type them correctly! At another job, my boss had problems with basic grammar and all the other people covered for her when she had to write letters to important people. At the motorcycle company, they bought me and the two other temps lunch and it wasn’t McDonald’s. It was a very good lunch and we were all touched. Buy Seasons was great and they handle party decorations and costumes and I liked looking at their catalogues. They were all very nice and I got to know all of them. My parents have very good work ethics and I try to imitate them that way.

    Like

  29. Packerchu says:

    “Danny presses a frozen rump roast against his sore back and makes orgasmic moaning sounds that immediately nullify my relief over not having had to see him in those little undies.”

    That would be the most pressing of the meat Danny’s had in a while.

    Like

  30. MarkNS says:

    Finally! A site that says everything I thought when my daughter’s made me sit through this shite in the 90’s.

    Like

  31. Ari says:

    That screen shot of Danny with the rump roast just makes me think about how dirty and terrible Bob Saget’s standup is.

    Like

    • Oh My Lanta says:

      I saw him do standup a few years ago… I swear I have never heard the word “fuckwad” so many times in the span of an hour.

      Like

      • Propanehead says:

        Yes, Bob Saget’s humor is a stark contrast of what this show attempted to show the general public.

        Like

  32. Oh My Lanta says:

    When I was a kid, Joey smashing his head through the bar was the funniest thing in the world to me. I have to admit it still cracks me up to this day. Good ol’ slapstick…

    Like

  33. Sarah Portland says:

    “Stephanie tries to enjoy a peaceful moment to herself watching the clouds but then Michelle ruins it.”
    Well, yeah. It’s Michelle. We expect that shit now. Does the audience? I’m almost expecting at this point for them to handle it in a wholesome 50’s sitcom kind of way: that she’ll fuck something up, and the camera will zoom in on her as the whole cast choruses “Oh, Michelle!” and she’ll look at the camera and smile and shrug in an “oh, well” gesture.
    You wanna know what it looks like when Danny went up against that Sumo wrestler? Imagine his skinny ass in that sumo get-up when he’s in that wrestling scene with Steve. Now imagine Steve as being the size he should be, as he’s constantly stuffing food in his cake-hole.
    “Stephanie asks them if they have any plans and they admit that they don’t, and I have to say that I’m pretty surprised that they didn’t say that they’d be watching T.G.I.F. on ABC. ”
    I’m not sure if you’re making fun of them, or of those of us who actually made appointments to watch this crap every Friday night, but I’m slow-clapping this comment either way.
    “It’s actually a really short scene, probably due to the extremely limited capabilities of all of the actors involved.”
    Thank you for that. Both you, and the writing staff.
    This episode seems to have less plot than the others. Like a LOT less plot. Jermsey needs to get his shit together (old recurring plot from every episode) to reopen the Smash Club (old recurring plot from any sitcom that involves a will). Subplot: Michelle tries to get the twins under her control, but they’re the only ones in this fucking house with any backbone, and they fling shit back at her. I think the writers are bored.

    Like

  34. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    The screen shots in this review are off-the-charts amazing. I don’t even have to see the episode for the ridiculousness to come across. That rump roast pleasure picture…there are no words. My libido is extinguished from here on out.

    I only wish being an adult were as easy as getting an opportunity handed to you and knowing someone else will be obligated to front the money to make it happen. Thank you Full House. Thank you.

    Like

  35. Bridget says:

    Sarah, I read “50 Shades of Grey” and was actually excited when my parents and I went toTypee Island in Georgia and that was where Christian Grey and Ana Steele went. Oh, I know, Jesse and Rebecca practice the sex moves from 50 Shades and Michelle comes in and ruins it for them! After reading 50 Shades I want to make a lemon syllabub.

    Like

  36. Bridget says:

    I watched the movie “The Children” on Watch32.com and it was made in the UK and was in English. I think it was translated into another language because the subtitles were in broken English like when a foreigner learns our language. Samples of what I read: Heaven would be a drink. Let the uncle but fall. She is her inhaler off. Did she put out a cafe? One that made me laugh was when the father was spanking his son and his BIL said, “We don’t hit kids here,” and the subtitle said “Here we do not save children.”. I wonder how “Have Mercy,” “You got it, dude,” “How rude!” and “Oh, Mylanta” would translate in broken English.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      *ahem* “Please retain compassion”, “I will hand an object to you, sir”, Disrespectful in the utmost this is”, “This antacid is causing me to shout”.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Those are good broken English translations! Another one from “The Children” was when the teenage girl Casey said that she would not call her stepfather “Dad,” but the subtitle said she would. When her stepdad and half sister Miranda were leaving the house, he put her in the car and I thought, Is that little girl gonna drive? I am so used to having the steering wheel on one side and in England it’s on the other side. “The Children” is a very good movie and the writer of the film got the idea when he saw his friends having trouble controlling their kids. Maybe Michelle, Nicky and Alex were all created by this British writer’s American counterpart.

        Like

  37. Ryan says:

    I had been eagerly waiting for the review of this episode. This site is amazing and I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks this way about this ridiculous show!

    Like

  38. Crashing Sally says:

    I just can’t help but think that that’s not how banks actually work.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      You’re right about banks. I remember it was a little more realistic when Bobby and Cindy went to the bank to borrow almost $60.00 from the bank to pay for their parents’ anniversary present. The banker was charmed by them, but because they had no collateral or the advantage of being over 18, they were not given the loan even though Cindy mentioned how responsible Bobby was and he said Cindy had neat handwriting. A bank wouldn’t last very long if it approved of every loan even one from the heart.

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Hey, man. That frog was able to get a loan by using a knick-knack as collateral. What gives?

        Like

      • lugnut says:

        Well, yeah, but it was a *knick-knack*, Patty Black! You have to give that frog a loan!

        (Jesus god mother mary, I am so glad I’m not the only person who remembers that from AFHV.)

        Like

  39. Bridget says:

    Everyone, I know the smoking episode was a while ago, but I saw a British school from the 1960s promotional film on YouTube. It was titled “The Strangest Boarding School” and it was a real school. The children in the film smoked a lot inside and outside the building and the teachers allowed it! I thought it was an SNL skit!

    Like

  40. Christian says:

    I was all ready to complain about how Jesse and/or Joey seem to get new jobs every season whenever the writers run out of ideas but then I lost my train of thought thanks to that picture of Stamos standing in the kitchen. Was this guy ever not dreamy?

    Like

  41. Bridget says:

    Christian, I agree with you! Candace’s older sisters were in awe that she at ten years old was going to work with Blackie from “General Hospital.”. If Billy doesn’t mention Stephanie’s bangs this week, I’ll be upset.

    Like

  42. Cool beans says:

    If Michelle wanted to buy her own lunch why didn’t she just bring her own money to school. With the adult supervision that Becky, Jesse, Joey, and Danny give, nobody would even notice. That would also be the same if she took one of the adults money. I mean really. They’re lacking common sense.

    Like

  43. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    How come no mention of Danny Tanner (Obviously feeling better from taking his three hour hemorrhaging from Yoshi) breaking out his axe and leading the family up the stairs in a roarin’ rendition of “Play Dat Funky Muzak?”

    Like

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