Season 7, Episode 7, “High Anxiety”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle’s two front teeth fell out.  Eww, gross!  Since Michelle is played by twins and the odds of them both losing their front teeth at the same time are pretty slim, I’d bet that the one who didn’t lose them naturally had to have them knocked out by the producers.

DJ and Stephanie come back from shopping at the mall and Michelle is sad that she didn’t get to go because everything that ever happens is all about her.  She then goes on to lament the fact that Danny still picks all of her clothes out for her because she’s just a stupid little kid, plus Danny really enjoys picking out dresses, and the older girls recall how much it sucked ass for them to deal with that when they were younger.  Suddenly, as if on cue, Danny walks into the room and makes Michelle wear a really stupid hat that he’s just picked out for her, which causes her to make the bitchiest face I’ve ever seen.

I would pay thousands of dollars to punch that face.  I really would.  I would work 12 hours shifts in a factory for years with no pay if it meant that I got to punch that face just one time.  Actually, I bet that the producer who got to knock her teeth out took on this shitty tv gig for just that reason.

After Steve and Kimmie Gibbler snake the last of the bacon in the full house, leaving Danny to wonder why he even lets them in his house that is already overrun with people, Jesse comes downstairs and starts bitching and moaning about how he has to pick a paint color for the club that he had willed to him for no good reason.  Wow, continuity!  It seems like Jesse’s reopening of the Smash Club is actually going to be an ongoing storyline.  Everyone stresses the importance of choosing the right colors for the club, which makes Jesse nervous.

As the girls prepare to leave for school, Danny gives them each money for lunch, except for Michelle, who has to bring her lunch in a lunchbox like a stupid baby.  She asks why she can’t buy her lunch, too, and Danny gives her some patronizing answer about how she’ll lose it.  Adding insult to injury, Danny puts Michelle’s humiliating hat back on her head as he ushers her off to school.

Smoldering with frustration because of Danny’s patronizing treatment, Michelle abandons her lunchbox in the backyard and leaves her hat on the dog.  I don’t know why she’s goes through the backyard to catch her ride to school, though.  Seriously, if they just built a set for the front porch it would make so many scenes like this make a whole lot more sense.

Jesse ignores his children as he pores over more paint samples for his club.  One of them utters a bunch of gibberish that is apparently a request for him to read them a story so he pulls them up on his lap and starts complaining about how much trouble he’s having with all of the decisions that he has to make for the club.  The phone rings so he pushes his children aside and then he complains to the guy who’s calling about the plumbing about how overwhelmed he is.  Becky comes in and reassures him that everything will be fine because that’s pretty much all she ever does anymore.

As Michelle plays frisbee on the school playground with Denise and Derek, Derek throws it over on to the top of the backstop.  A backstop is that tall fenced dome thing that you bat inside of when you play baseball.  I know that because I just spent like 5 minutes googling it to figure out what it was called so I didn’t have to call it a “fenced dome thing” a bunch of times.  Yeah, sorry, I don’t know shit about dick about sports.

Anyway, Denise bravely volunteers to climb up onto the backstop to retrieve the frisbee and then she goads Michelle to climb up, too, but then Danny appears on the school yard and intervenes.  He tells Michelle that she forgot her lunch and her stupid hat and I guess he just called off that day’s episode of his morning show so he could bring them to her.  She tries to blow him off and then climb up onto the backstop but then Danny’s like, “don’t climb up onto that thing, Michelle, because you’re just a stupid little baby and you’ll hurt yourself.”  He proceeds to help Denise climb down and then he makes Michelle wear her stupid hat and tries to give her a goodbye kiss while all the other kids crowd around and laugh at her.  I don’t know if they’re laughing because her dad’s trying to kiss her or just because of what her dad is like in general.  Michelle tells him not to kiss her and to stop treating her like a baby and then she walks off as Danny is left alone on the school yard to gaze ponderously at the stupid hat as sad music plays.

Back at the full house, Danny totally tunes out a story that Vicky tells him while he stews over how Michelle wouldn’t kiss him.  The most disturbing thing about it is that he’s shining a fork the whole time in a remarkably masturbatory fashion.  Vicky tries to console him but then Michelle comes home from school and snubs him all over again.  Incidentally, that’s the only time we see Vicky for the entire episode.

Jesse comes home and asks for advice about what kinds of cups to use at the Smash Club and then DJ comes into the room and says that a delivery guy just dropped off more samples in the living room.  What she neglects to mention is that the samples are toilets.

Oh!  Toilets!  Now that’s comedy!  The arrival of the toilets is the final straw for Jesse, who spirals into despair at his inability to make any decisions.  He is supported and consoled by Becky and Joey, who are able to guide him into picking a toilet for the club.  After finally making that initial decision, Jesse feels a renewed confidence towards picking out a bunch more tacky and gaudy trimmings for his stupid lame club for weiners.  I guess the moral here is that it’s ok to be totally dependent on others in order to succeed, even when you’ve already had everything handed to you.

As Danny goes into Michelle’s room to say goodnight to her, the tension in the air is palpable.  He admits that he’s been having a hard time adjusting to her growing up and is going to start treating her more like a big girl.  The music comes on as he says that he’s going to try to respect that she’s embarrassed when he kisses her and then there’s this incredibly awkward moment of tension as he says goodnight to her, starts to lean over to kiss her, and then stops himself.

He then stands in the doorway looking really needy and disappointed as he waves goodnight to her, which is one of those rare moments where the shows actually makes me laugh.  It’s not funny “ha ha,” but more funny “oh my god that’s the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever seen.”

Back on the school yard, Michelle plays frisbee with Denise and Derek again and he immediately throws it up back up onto the backstop.  Michelle rushes to climb up the backstop and triumphantly retrieves the frisbee.

Derek calls up to her that she shouldn’t look down but she immediately does and is petrified with fear.  Danny appears on the yard that very second and, upon discovering Michelle’s predicament, reassures her that she is in fact a big girl and then coaxes her down the fence as tense music plays.  Once she gets down she thanks him for his help and then he reminds her that part of being a big girl means not doing stupid ass bullshit like putting yourself in danger for no good reason.  Then Michelle kisses him and he totally jizzes in his pants.

He tells her that she didn’t have to kiss him if it made her embarrassed and she says that she’s a big girl and it was her decision, which is yet another moment that makes what should be representative of the love between a father and daughter seem deeply creepy and uncomfortable.  This is compounded by the fact that a group of kids is standing around watching this entire interaction for some reason.

Danny takes Michelle’s hand and hurriedly escorts her home before some yard monitor sees how inappropriate their interactions are and calls child services.