Season 7, Episode 11, “The Bicycle Thief”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The twins dress like cowboys and ride plastic rocking horses.  Also, they’ve taken to calling their parents by their first names (remember this, as it is a crucial plot element).

As Stephanie does a shit-ass job of performing a card trick, Michelle bursts in the room hella mad because someone stole her bike.  Danny calls the police and then assigns everyone an area of the city to investigate.  After so many episodes, I almost didn’t think at all about how everyone just immediately stops what they’re doing and launches into a citywide hunt for Michelle’s bike.  That’s just the way it is in the full house.  As Danny approaches the front door, he runs into Kimmie Gibbler, who’s in a pink shirt with a logo on it that says “Crime Catchers,” because I guess Kimmie Gibbler is some sort of vigilante now.  She actually must be a pretty good one, considering that the bike theft was just discovered about 30 seconds ago and she’s already on the scene, in full regalia and everything.

And that’s not all!  Kimmie Gibbler has teamed up with Marcia Wallace, who’s playing a lady from the neighborhood who is interested in solving crimes and, apparently, Joey’s ass.  She’s constantly making comments about it and it hurts my heart.

Jesse drives around the city with Michelle as they try to find her bike.  I kept waiting for something terrible to happen to his car because literally every single time one of the dad’s cars has been featured in an episode it’s been horribly damaged.  It’s also pretty surprising to see a scene filmed outside.  Anyway, Michelle spots a kid riding her bike so Jesse pulls up to him, parking in front of a hydrant as he does so.  See, I bet that his car’s gonna get towed while they’re dealing with this kid.  What is it with this show and cars?

It turns out that Michelle knows the kid and thinks that he’s a real asshole.  I guess that they go to school together or something.  They don’t really explain it.  Anyway, the kid tells Jesse and Michelle that the bike belongs to his sister so they should fuck off.  Jesse gets into a verbal sparring match with the kid, because he’s never above arguing with children, and, as always, he loses.  After being outwitted and outclassed, Jesse resorts to stealing the kids bike after he goes inside for his trumpet lesson.

After they grab the bike they hightail it out of there and I guess Jesse’s car doesn’t end up getting towed after all.  Maybe they just had him park in front of a hydrant to discreetly display what a hindrance he is to all of society.  They do that all the time, but not usually discreetly.

Jesse and Michelle come home and discover that Joey and Danny have both returned with “Michelle’s” bike as well.  Michelle tries to identify which one is hers by finding a Kermit sticker on the basket and it turns out to be none of them.  It dawns on everyone that they’ve all just run around town pilfering little girl’s bicycles and then Marcia Wallace shows up at the door and everyone decide to stash the bikes so she doesn’t see them.  It might seem more logical to just come clean to her and return the bikes but I guess that would deprive us of a lot of wacky mishaps.

Danny tries to keep Marcia Wallace in the living room as she explains to him that 3 new bike thefts have just occurred and she wants to set up Crime Catcher headquarters in the full house.  Becky sees all the bikes in the kitchen and asks the uncles what the fuck is going on and then they have to take the bikes upstairs because Kimmie Gibbler shows up at the back door.  Becky deals with Kimmie Gibbler as she sets up a bunch of crime solving equipment in the kitchen and then one of the twins comes down and calls his mom Becky, which is a throwback to the pre-credits gag for those of you that have been paying close attention.

DJ, Steve and Stephanie come home with a bunch of fliers that have been posted for the other three bikes that have been stolen.  That was pretty quick.  Also, why did they just take the fliers like that?  Couldn’t they have just told everyone about the fliers?  One of them features a police sketch-esque portrait of Jesse, which doesn’t make any sense because the kid knows that Jesse was with Michelle so he doesn’t need to post fliers about the theft, he can just figure out where Michelle lives.  Also, it’s hard enough to believe that any fliers were posted so quickly, much less one that features a police sketch.

As the uncles sit in Michelle’s room and try to figure out what to do, the rest of the kids enter the room and deduce that the uncles are the bicycle thieves, what with there being three bikes in the room and all.  They show the uncles the fliers and Jesse says that the police-sketch looks nothing like him because the sideburns are imbalanced.  They discover that each of the fliers has the bike owners address on them and agree to take the bikes back to their rightful owners.

There’s a ring at the doorbell so everyone hurries to stash the bikes upstairs again and then Jesse opens the door, revealing Leonard, the enormous dad of the kid that Jesse stole the bike from.  Leonard says that he’s looking for Jesse because he stole his kids bike which reiterates how unnecessary that flier was.

Jesse convinces Leonard that he is not the guy in the police sketch because the sideburns are uneven and says that his name is Joey, so Leonard decides to sit on the couch and wait for Jesse to show up so he can beat the shit out of him.  Further convoluting this already improbable mishap, Joey comes downstairs and Jesse refers to him as Danny and tries to discreetly tip him off that he is going by Joey so Leonard does not punch him.  Oh!  But then it gets even CRAZIER, as the girls come down and ask for Joey and both uncles respond and lots of stammered explanations follow.  None of this really seems to tip off Leonard.

The Crime Stoppers continue to do their best to solve the case in the kitchen, and I can’t help but notice that setting up your headquarters in someone’s house without their consent is something of a crime itself.  At least the people in the full house are the ones being imposed upon for once.  Anyway, Stephanie tries to distract the crime stoppers with a really shitty card trick as DJ and Steve lower the bikes out of the window so they can sneak them out of the house.  You know what the best way to get those bikes out of the house without getting caught would be?  Just tell Leonard and the Crime Catchers to get the fuck out.

Meanwhile, in the living room, the uncles sit uncomfortably close to Leonard on the couch.

Becky comes in and it turns out that she knows Leonard because he’s her butcher.  Sure, why not?  The ol’ name switcheroo confuses her and she launches into more stammering and confused excuses as she tries to go along with it.  Leonard continues to be fooled by the world’s most obvious ruse until one of the twins runs into the room and calls Jesse by his name.  See, that plot element really paid off!  Aren’t you glad that you were paying such close attention?

Leonard grabs Jesse and throws him up onto his shoulder, which seems more like a fun ride than a violent act, and then Danny runs in and explains to him that it’s all a big misunderstanding and the bike is being returned to his kid.  The Crime Catchers come into the room and confirm that the bikes have been returned and then everyone agrees that things are back to normal until Michelle’s like, “hey, cocksuckers, my bikes still missing!”  Her conviction is undeniable due to her outstretched arms with the palms facing up.

Just that moment, Derek shows up and explains that he’s had Michelle’s bike since she left it at his house last week.  I don’t know why it took him a whole week to bring it back.  I guess that he was holed up in his room singing along to Mariah Carey albums or something.

Everyone expresses a modicum of annoyance towards Michelle for being such a stupid asshole and causing so much trouble but then it’s immediately resolved when Danny announces that he’s going to take everyone out for frozen yogurt.

Marcia Wallace makes another unsettling comment about Joey’s ass and then Michelle apologizes to Jesse for making everyone look for her bike and says that she’ll try not to be such a fucking moron in the future.  Then, in a moment of irony as delicious as the frozen yogurt they’re about to enjoy, she can’t find her jacket and immediately assumes that someone stole it.  Oh, Michelle!  At least the music never came on this episode.  I guess it’s because nobody learned anything.  I mean, it’s not like they ever do, but this time we’re not even supposed to believe that they did.

Firsts:  Someone does not crash their car

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152 Responses to Season 7, Episode 11, “The Bicycle Thief”

  1. Christian says:

    This show’s sad, sad attempts at Three’s Company-style farce is so badly written it’s not even funny in a “so bad it’s funny” kind of way. It’s just bad. Not one brain cell was used to create the “shenanigans” in this episode (or any episode, for that matter). As you pointed out, why put up fliers if the kid knew where Jesse lived? Oh, because the writers thought it would be hilarious to show a sketch of Jesse! Ha. It’s nothing but absurd and stupid ideas (like the twins calling Jesse by his name) with little thought to stringing these ideas together with a cohesive story.

    Thank goodness for your blog, your writing is the only way this show will ever get any laughs.

    Like

    • chris says:

      I’m so glad you said that – when I was reading this I totally thought it sounded like something Three’s Company would have done, only there it would have actually been funny.

      Like

    • Bridget says:

      Christian, I do think in public children should call their parents by their first name. I forgot where I read about it, but if the parent and kid get separated and they yell “Mom or Dad” a bunch of other parents will turn around.

      Like

      • DawnieP says:

        They explained that on “Curly Sue”. The daughter said if she yells dad in a public place a bunch of guys turn around but if she yells Bill, then maybe 2 will turn around.

        Like

    • Magellan333 says:

      Sums it up perfectly Christian. Full House had scraped bottom at this point and was digging a deep rut at the bottom of the sea.

      Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      They did it so Jermsey could make a narcissistic comment about the sideburns being uneven, of course!

      Like

  2. Colleen says:

    Yes! I’ve been looking forward to this episode since I knew it dealt with Michelle being a complete and total idiot of a burden (and people actually showing a little annoyance with her for once). I didn’t realize this was the first appearance of Marcia Wallace; unfortunately, she has a few more appearances, all aimed at her trying to woo Joey (poor lady must have some incredibly low self-esteem if she’s aiming to spend her life with an unfunny comedian who spits a lot).

    Like

    • DawnieP says:

      Not to mention that he’s a grown man living in his friend’s basement with a bedroom full of toys and he can’t keep a steady job.

      Like

  3. lovetolaugh says:

    Wonderful review! Gave me lots of laughs and also a new insight on how totally unrealistic and horrible this episode is.

    So, not one element of this plot makes sense, but here’s what jumped out at me: if Michelle knew that her bike had a kermit sticker on it, why didn’t she search for this identifying feauture on the boy’s bike [i]before[/i] she and Jesse stole it? What is it with the people of the full house straight-up committing crimes without even being 100 percent sure that their suspicions toward others are valid?

    I’m starting to get a bit disturbed; this is supposed to be a family show (that’s what its fans call it at least), so why has it been showing these types of acts being committed and then trying to play it off as comedy? Because everything’s fine, as long as it’s the Tanners who are doing it?

    Oy vey, probably best not to wonder about this stuff. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

    Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      Hmm is that not how you italicize on blogger? I apologize, “before” is supposed to be in italics.

      I wish these comments could be edited!

      Like

      • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

        I thought the same thing about the sticker. And yes, I wish we could edit too. I put a colon next to a capital P and it came out :P. A little more silly than I meant lol

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Ha that’s funny! By the way, I love your username 🙂

        Like

      • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

        Thanks lovetolaugh! I’m ashamed to share a name with such an obnoxious figure of 90’s pop culture.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Bridget says:

      Lovetolaugh, on another episode Jesse hot wires a car and Megan Fox’s character in “Transformers 2” did the same thing because her dad taught her how to steal cars. I am not trying to defend Michelle, but I did read about parents losing track of their young sons all over the world and the kids being found hiding in their houses. I can understand losing track of a possession, but a human being?

      Like

    • Angela says:

      The whole thing about the sticker came to mind for me right away, too. It’s what anyone using even a shred of logic would do. And it would also make sense for her to mention that feature to Jesse, as well as anyone else who’s helping her look, so they don’t, y’know, get in fights with random kids and steal their stuff.

      (Plus, wouldn’t her dad, of all people, already know what sorts of special stuff she decorates her bike with?)

      Like

  4. Karen says:

    I’d like to believe that Marcia Wallace lost a bet with someone on her Crime Catchers team and she has to try to make Joey believe that she’s in love with him.

    The entire premise was stupid as hell, but this recap almost made me want to see the episode for myself again. Almost. Like if I get high first.

    Like

  5. hebrewersfan says:

    Great review

    “Then, in a moment of irony as delicious as the frozen yogurt they’re about to enjoy, she can’t find her jacket and immediately assumes that someone stole it. Oh, Michelle!”

    Almost spit my coffee out at this line. Besides the obvious ruse intended to fool the bad guy from “Over The Top”, I always hated when one of the twins says “I see bikes” and Becky changes it to “icy bites”.

    Like

  6. Casey says:

    “At least the music never came on this episode. I guess it’s because nobody learned anything. I mean, it’s not like they ever do, but this time we’re not even supposed to believe that they did.”

    Ha! Loved this. Perfect ending!

    They’ve been playing a lot of Full House in the early evenings on Nick lately. Watching while reading along with your corresponding reviews has been a great way to pass the time. Thanks Billy!

    Like

  7. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    I seriously could not wait for this review, it’s the first thing I thought of when I woke up. Billy, you have outdone yourself! This is my new favorite review. Just, my God what a shit-show. I’m am amazed that so many people who have contributed to The Simpsons have had involvement with this show. Mrs. Krabappel, I’m very disappointed by your taste in asses.

    Everything from “Leonard grabs Jesse and throws him up onto his shoulder, which seems more like a fun ride than a violent act…” to “Firsts: Someone does not crash their car” is pure gold. Official FHR Lady Boner seal of approval. :Palms up:

    Like

  8. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    * : Palms up :

    Like

  9. Bridget says:

    I think this whole fiasco would have been avoided if Michelle would have said, “Dad, I left my bike at Derek’s because his mom didn’t want me to ride home in the rain. I’ll go and get my bike.”. Another solution would be if Mrs. Boyd would have placed Michelle’s bike in the trunk while she drove her home. I don’t know, but maybe it was unusually rainy in California that week which was why Derek didn’t bring Michelle her bike. Off topic: when I went to Las Vegas with the family it rained for 3 days straight during the week we were there. I suppose states other than states with horrible winters like Minnesota and Wisconsin get their share of unusual weather.

    Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      Good thoughts!

      If Derek couldn’t bring it over to Michelle’s house, it makes me wonder why he didnt tell her about it in school!

      Finding a sensible person in the full house universe is like finding Waldo!

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Maybe he wanted her bike and he thought she would forget about it!

        Like

      • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

        Lol! Only Derek would wait as long as possible to return such a campy bike. I mean, remember how excited he was for the goalie jersey? It’s allllll about aesthetic for Derek S. Boyd.

        Like

  10. lovetolaugh says:

    Can we please just take a minute to acknowledge how cute DJ looks with her hair in those braids?

    I really think Candace Cameron is a pretty girl.

    Also, Billy, you forgot another first: The zany scheme of swapping identities that they used to prevent Leonard from discovering and beating up Jesse marked the first time that any poor soul has ever, EVER wanted to be Joey.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Lovetolaugh, unlike Stephanie she can pull it off!

      Like

    • Corey says:

      It’s around this time that I think DJ becomes pretty gorgeous. And in season 8 especially, she’s really grown into her looks.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I think the actress Abigail Breslin also looks very pretty with braids and unlike MK and Ashley, she’s a wonderful actress! When I see women and girls with French braids, I think of the 2006 movie “The Wickerman” and I think, “That poor hairstylist must have gone mental with the braiding of so much hair!”. This movie reminds me of “The Simpsons” because of the identical twin girls and identical twin ladies in it because I think of Terry, Sherry, Patty, and Selma.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Corey, there is a picture of Candace (DJ) and Jodie (Stephanie) online with Bob Saget. They joined him for a Scleroderma Research Foundation comedy event. Both of them looked very pretty! The Olsen twins didn’t join in. They all were happy to see each other. Bob Saget’s sister, Gay, died of scleroderma during the FH years. Dave Coulier’s sister also died during the run and he and Bob had to get on with their TV job during such a hard time. They would tease each other about being in “The Dead Sisters Club.”. Candace said the death of their sisters was painful, but the two of them were very brave.

        Like

    • Allison says:

      I would totally wear Stephanie’s outfit in this episode, though (now or in the 90s) – DJ’s, as always, not so much.

      Like

  11. Staplerhed says:

    I’m surprised that Derek didn’t own his own pink bike with a basket and streamers.

    Like

  12. Propanehead says:

    All I have to say about this particular episode is one name:

    Marcia Wallace.

    Like

  13. Angela says:

    Jesse gets into a verbal sparring match with the kid, because he’s never above arguing with children, and, as always, he loses.

    I was going to say, “You’d think he’d learn by now,” but then I remembered that the chances of that ever happening are, um, minimal, at best. Hell, just look at this convoluted bike plot-wow, this storyline is even more nonsensical and stupid than I remember!

    They show the uncles the fliers and Jesse says that the police-sketch looks nothing like him because the sideburns are imbalanced.

    *Smacks forehead, sighs*

    Loved the Mariah Carey line, and ahhhhhh, Marcia Wallace! I’m trying to remember now if she shows up again at any point down the line or not…I hope she does, simply because more of your commentary on her would be a blast to read :D.

    Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      Angela, it always drives absolutely me crazy when Jesse gets in heated arguments with little kids! He does this quite a few times throughout the series (with Aaron Bailey, with the kid in this episode, and later with a his kids’ friend at a play date).

      I adore children. That said, I can admit that there are some who are disrespectful toward adults or who don’t listen.

      It’s the adult’s job to set an example by discouraging or ignoring this behavior, not egging it on. It’s one thing to let a child know that he or she is not behaving appropriately. It’s quite another to verbally fight with someone else’s kid!

      This is just completely inappropriate behavior. I guess Jesse is disgusted by any child who dares to be different than his little munchkin.

      Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Oh gosh… “It drives absolutely me crazy”…. Another reason I wish I could edit my comments 🙂

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Absolutely agreed. I work at a bookstore, and I’ve definitely come across some obnoxious, bratty kids when working there, particularly on the weekends.

        But I usually see if their parents are going to reprimand them first, and if they don’t/can’t, or if they do and the kid still tries to act up, I politely yet firmly tell the kids to behave/stop running/whatever. That seems to work pretty well-I haven’t had to demand people leave the store thus far.

        It’s just…how old is Jesse supposed to be now? And he’s got kids of his own by this point, no less! If other people’s kids get him that bent out of shape, I can’t begin to imagine what it’d be like when his kids go through their Michelle-esque “back talk” moments (I know they said “mean daddy” in an episode recently, but they’re toddlers, it wasn’t nasty the way Michelle’s “DUH” moments and such tend to be).

        Also, ha, hey, I missed the goof up in your post :D! I agree with you on the editing abilities anyway, though. And on a semi-related note, clearly I’ve spent too much time on websites where people can “like” posts and comments, because I often want to find a “like” button for many of the comments here!

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        It sounds like you handle the kids at your bookstore well 🙂

        I, too, shudder to think about how confrontational Jesse must be with his own children. What if one of them decides one day that he wants to wear his hair short or doesn’t like Elvis or something?

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Thanks. I hope so-it’s tough sometimes, ’cause I don’t want to feel like I’m horning in on their parents’ territory/responsibility or anything. But so far so good, hopefully that’ll continue.

        If the day ever comes when one of Jesse’s kids doesn’t like Elvis, I’d like to be warned about that ahead of time, so I can find a good hiding place.

        Like

      • JMo says:

        Speaking of how annoying Jesse is, this is also the episode where he was driving looking for Michelle’s bike and then he started talking about the comb that he lost when he was younger, and then he gets that stupid look in his eye and he’s talking about the stupid comb and how long it took him to get over the loss of the stupid comb as the bully drives by on Michelle’s bike, but Jesse doesn’t pay attention because of the comb story. It seems like he does that a lot lately.

        Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      *Gasp* Is getting into asinine arguments with little kids actually another character trait? Does Jesse have THREE now? Maybe that’s where Vicky’s other trait went: they gave another to Jesse, and it has to balance out.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Well, not to defend Jesse or anything, but that kid Davy was egging him on. Jesse admitted that he would get confrontational with others but he was a kid at the same time the antagonist was. I think the line, “Pick on someone your own size” applies here, though!

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Oh I totally agree that Davy was being very rude and obnoxious. But an adult should talk to the kid’s parents before stooping so low as to engage in a verbal spat with a nine- year-old.

        Like

      • Oh Mylanta says:

        I think they replaced his fried chicken trait with an asinine arguments with kids trait. We haven’t seen him eating fried chicken in a while…

        Like

  14. Michelle's acting coach says:

    Better ending: While Derrick is at the door rambling about God knows what the Crime Stoppers are seen loading up the three stolen bikes. Kimmy and her cohort are the bike thieves and started the Crime Stoppers as a front to glean intelligence to steal more bikes. As they’re driving off in their van full of bikes, Mrs. Carruthers asks Kimmy how she knew the Full House would act like this over Michelle’ lost bike. Kimmy responds, “I’ve lived next to them for 12 years. I thought we’d end up with more than three.”

    Like

  15. SZA says:

    Did the iconic blue plain FH couch shrink? Didn’t it used to be a 3-seater?

    Why do I notice these things?

    Like

  16. Sarah Portland says:

    “Remember this, as it is a crucial plot element”. I never thought I would read anything like this on a review about THIS show. The fact that it even HAS crucial plot elements is laughable. Very snarky, sir.
    I knew when Jesse picked up that kid’s bike on the street that it couldn’t be Michelle’s. Why? Because it never is. The, in trying to recover your own property, you become the thief. This is the problem with owning things that are mass-produced, especially when said items are popular. In grade school, I used to attend the YMCA after school and over the summer. One day, I brought my little brown Pound Puppy with me, and it promptly went missing. When it turned up later, I was relieved and excited, but another girl claimed it was hers, and she flipped over the tag, which had her initials on it. I suspected her of taking my puppy, and marking it as her own, but what proof did I have? I hadn’t bothered to write my initials on my puppy. It seems fishy that we both showed up to the Y that day with the same damn puppy, but those were very popular back then, and I guess it’s possible that that did occur.
    By the by: has anyone else noticed that Marcia Wallace bears a strong resemblance to Madam Medusa from the Disney film “The Rescuers”?

    Like

    • Angela says:

      Heh, my sister and I used to put our initials on any similar toys we got all the time when we were kids. Our names both started with “A”, though, so to avoid the obvious confusion that would happen were we to use our first and last names, we just went with first and middle name initials instead.

      I remember losing a Beanie Baby at school once. Never found it again, though.

      And oh, my god, you’re right, Marcia DOES look like Madame Medusa (wow, Pound Puppies and ‘The Rescuers’, way to give me major childhood flashbacks here)!

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Angela, do you have one sister with an A name or do you and your brothers and sisters have A names? My younger brother almost became Brian and we would have been Burke, Bridget and Brian instead of Jeff (mother’s brother-in-law is also named Jeff). I think of the Duggar family when someone names all of their kids with the same letter name. I would think they would run out of J names and they haven’t used Jared or Joel. At least the middle names of the kids start off with different letters and I want to yell at the Duggar family, “Ginger doesn’t start with a J!”. I did watch “Casino” and the two characters were named Jennifer and Ginger like two of the Duggar daughters, but Jinger Nicole Duggar spells her name with a J.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        I just have the one younger sister, so that made it a lot easier. I don’t think my parents really intended to have both our names start with the same letter, either, it just sort of happened to turn out that way.

        The letter thing with the Duggards just adds to that family’s creepiness (nothing against big families themselves, and naming kids with the same letter is fine in and of itself, but those guys are supposed to be all super-Christ-y and everything, as I understand it, so that combined with the other things is just really weird to me as a result), but even then that’s still not the first thing I wonder about with that family. I simply want to know how in the hell they can keep track of all those kids, and how that woman is able to stand that many pregnancies back to back to back.

        Like

  17. FHRFan says:

    “Becky says he’s her butcher. Sure, why not?” Best line in this one. Since when did she have a butcher? And why is he hers alone?

    Like

    • Sally says:

      Let’s also not forget the fact that Becky never cooks.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        She did make a giant meatloaf that was a meat mountain and it was her grandmother’s recipe and Becky did not take into account that the recipe was supposed to feed the entire trailer park.

        Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      When was the last time Becky cooked? She ordered Chicken on Wheels when the fucking Beach Boys came over.

      Like

    • Waterlily says:

      I think Becky was banging Leonard.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Waterlily, I think you’re right! Becky was sick of a guy who was too much into his hair and Leonard has no hair. She probably told him, “Oh, Leonard, I never met such a smooth man in the cranial region!”

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Omg Bridget I’m dying laughing! You’re so great.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Thank you. Not to mention that Leonard had muscles and he could smash Jesse into oblivion! Becky was also impressed with Leonard’s skill with a cleaver. I wonder if large men die earlier than slight men? I was thinking of Michael Clarke Duncan from “The Green Mile” and they used movie tricks like having him stand on boxes to make him look larger. I remember people whispering in the theatre how big Michael was and kind of scary, but everyone got used to it! The movie “Mama” comes out in May and the actor who plays Mama is a Spanish actor with Marfan Syndrome and he is taller than the rest of the cast.

        Like

    • YR says:

      Wait, what? Where it is implied that he’s her butcher alone? I call the doctor that I go to regularly “my doctor,” and that doesn’t imply that he’s my doctor alone.

      This show has enough flaws without inventing new ones.

      Like

  18. Aubs says:

    I have now officially caught up and have to wait for your weekly posts.

    It is kind of weird that the last one you did is the exact same episode that I watched this morning while getting ready for work.
    Also, just so you know, your hatred of Michelle has rubbed off one me, I guess I never realized how annoying the character and the persons playing the character really were. Thank you for your blog, it really makes my work day go be quicker.

    Like

  19. seasoned salt says:

    Billy, have you come to hate Jesse more than you hate Joey? I rarely see you trashing Joey in the reviews. Of course, it’s become much easier to hate Jesse over the last few seasons, and it’ll get even easier as he displays more radical asshole behavior as the show goes on.

    Also that screencap of the bug-eyed wannabe cougar after Joey’s ass will haunt me for the rest of my life.

    Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      Yes, seasoned salt, Jesse has become more and more obnoxious and offensive the past couple of seasons, and will continue to do so until the very end. Danny is now the only one of the dads who sometimes actually acts like an adult.

      As far as Joey, he seems to not be featured as prominently in the recent episodes, so there is probably less to comment on about him in the reviews. In the early seasons of the show, there were a good number of Joey-centric episodes that focused on his comedy, and you don’t see those as much at this point in the series.

      It could be because the need for his character and his role in the kids’ lives has completely disappeared, so even the writers can’t justify his presence in the full house anymore and are trying to focus our attention elsewhere.

      Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      i will always hate joey the most but he’s practically a background character at this point. jesse is prominently featured in every episode but joey is such an undeveloped character that they hardly ever do anything with him anymore.

      Like

  20. SavaFiend says:

    I wonder what’s up with Derek’s parents? Like if they noticed a little girl’s bike at their house, wouldn’t they have asked Derek whose it was and made some effort to contact Michelle’s family to let her know it was there? I mean, that’s what normal parents would do But then again, its Full House, so possibly Derek’s parents don’t give a damn. I’d love to see an episode with Derek’s mom and dad in it to see what kind of people spawned a kid like that.

    Like

    • Ryan says:

      Derek would probably be like, “It’s mine. I bought it with my paper route money” or something.

      Like

    • Grant Spatchcock says:

      I like to think that Derek’s parents were very much aware that Michelle’s bike was at their house, and because they hate the Full House occupants and their antics so much, were waiting to see what kind of insane scheme they’d come up with to get it back.
      I can just imagine them at their next dinner party, regaling their guests with stories of how those idiots ended up stealing 3 bikes because the ugly monkey-child lost track of it’s own possessions.

      Like

      • JMo says:

        And probably Derek’s parents did know about this bike and even knew that it was Michelle’s, but just the thought of going over to the Full House and having to deal with Danny’s antics (especially if he was hopped up on coffee again) was enough that they decided just to wait it out and see what happened.

        Liked by 1 person

  21. SavaFiend says:

    I have to say, Leonard is the sorriest-looking “tough guy”. So you’ve got a big guy with a shaved head who wears a leather vest…over a teal T-shirt and jeans that look like that might have been pressed? Then again, it doesn’t look like it would take much to intimidate Jesse, his character is a wuss!

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Savafriend, Leonard was played by Cirque Soleil strongman/arm wrestler Rick Zumwalt. He was a pretty big guy at 6’4 and unfortunately, he died ten years ago at age 52. He capitalized on his size by always playing the big, scary guy on different shows.

      Like

      • SavaFiend says:

        Awesome bit of trivia 🙂

        I think he could have looked intimidating here, but the shirt and jeans they put him in killed it. Now if he would have had on scuffed-up jeans, maybe a wallet on a chain and a black T-shirt, it would have been way more effective.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Yeah, he would have looked scary in clothes that didn’t look so clean! I would have put a huge cobra or python on the black shirt for good measure.

        Liked by 1 person

  22. Mary says:

    I cannot believe how bad this show is already getting, and it isn’t even Season 8 yet. Not to say it was ever good, but we are now in the dregs of such horrible shit that it was almost intolerable for me to watch as a stupid ten year-old. I would have thought this was one of the last episodes, if you had asked me to guess. Makes me scared of what’s to come….

    Like

    • Sally says:

      I’ll tell you what’s to come! I’ve got 6 of the scariest words in the english language: Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets.

      Like

      • Angela says:

        YES!

        Oh, dear god, I cannot wait for that.

        Like

      • RG says:

        Yeah, this show is getting worse literally by the episode. And THIS is one of the most asinine episodes ever. The lengths this show has gone to revolve an episode around Michelle. -_-

        Like

      • Angela says:

        It really does go wildly off the rails in these latter episodes, for sure.

        Someone here once compared Michelle to Billy Mumy’s character from that “It’s a Good Life” episode of “The Twilight Zone”. I fully agree with this comparison, it explains everything about the hold that girl has on the cast/crew of this show.

        Like

      • Mary says:

        Ugh, it has been so long since I’ve seen any of the Season 8 crap, probably since I used to watch them in syndication in the late 90s…I’ve blocked a LOT out…that being said, I do not fully remember the horror of Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets, but I remember the basics….I can’t wait until Billy gets there…reading those episodes through his eyes will be amazing, especially since I’ve forgotten so many of them and the details.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Yeah. I was wondering if the writers of the show borrowed inane band names from “The Brady Bunch”? Anyone remember the Banana Convention and 3 Baboons and Elsie”?

        Like

  23. Mr Goodpart says:

    It’s weird how Marcia Wallace’s character displays just blatant sexual harassment towards Joey. It’s clear that he does not like it and that it makes him extremely uncomfortable but it just persists and persists. What kind of message does this send to the children who watched this show? Would this fly if it were a weird middle-aged man ogling DJ and making comments about her body?

    Like

    • SaCha1689 says:

      That’s the law of the Full House universe and sadly many other sitcoms: when a man sexually harasses a woman, it’s punishable by law, but if the genders are reversed, it’s hilarious. Yay for double standards!

      Like

      • Corey says:

        To be fair, I’d say Full House has displayed plenty of male-on-female sexual harassment. Any time an attractive woman enters the full house, she’s practically pounced on by at least 2 of the men.

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Excellent point, but that probably qualifies more as shameless, terrible flirting than as sexual harrassment. Sexual harrassment would be if they were making inappropriate comments about a woman’s body or touching her in a way that made her uncomfortable.

        Also, it avoids harrassment territory because it’s usually welcomed and reciprocated by the woman! And, unrealistically, it’s usually Joey that said woman is interested in for some reason.

        Like

      • ironymaiden says:

        But by the same token, “shameless, terrible flirting” IS sexual harassment in this case because it implies that every woman on the show is viewed as a sexual object by the male characters. Definitely sending the wrong message to kids, in my opinion. I mean, just look at Two and a Half Men – that piece of shit show does the exact same thing only even more blatantly. It’s totally hideous. But probably not the biggest problem Full House has.

        Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      See, it’s funny because Joey is an undesirable man-child and this woman clearly has very low standards.

      Like

  24. Bridget says:

    Mr. Goodpart, she doesn’t stop it in the later episodes! I notice her title is Mrs and by that logic, there is a Mr. Until women get married, they are miss or ms. A guy is always mister from the time he’s a kid to adulthood.

    Like

    • Lisa says:

      Women can be Ms. whether they’re married or not. Or, for that matter, Dr.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I get miss and ms confused sometimes. I thought miss was until a girl turned 21 and then she became a ms. I read the court transcript of Baby M and Betsy Stern was a pediatrician, but for some reason, they called her Mrs. Stern. When I hear miss, I think of the movie “It” and the old lady telling Beverly she calls all the pretty young girls miss.

        Like

  25. teebore says:

    I guess Kimmie Gibbler is some sort of vigilante now.

    And Kimmie just got even better!

    Kimmie Gibbler has teamed up with Marcia Wallace, who’s playing a lady from the neighborhood who is interested in solving crimes and, apparently, Joey’s ass.

    Sadly, I could see Mrs. Krabappel harassing Joey.

    Also, it’s hard enough to believe that any fliers were posted so quickly, much less one that features a police sketch.

    Or that the police are even involved at all…

    I can’t help but notice that setting up your headquarters in someone’s house without their consent is something of a crime itself.

    Look, even Batman technically breaks the law sometimes. Justice is what matters!

    Her conviction is undeniable due to her outstretched arms with the palms facing up.

    ACTING!!

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      “Sadly, I could see Mrs. Krabappel harassing Joey.”
      Yeah, now I can, too. *sigh* I wish I had time to make that fan art 😦

      Like

      • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

        Sarah, I wish you had time too. I would love to see that picture!

        Like

      • Corey says:

        This makes me realize that Joey is an even bigger loser than Principal Skinner. At least Skinner has a steady job.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Corey, Agnes Skinner, Principal Skinner’s mom thought he was a giant loser. I never really liked his mother or any of the ladies on “The Simpsons.”. Helen Lovejoy was always saying, “Won’t someone please think of the children!”. Luann VanHouten, Milhouse’s mom looked too much like her ex-husband and Marge nagged too much. The men were a little more tolerable and I thought the episode with Lisa meeting all her male and female relatives on her father’s side was comedy gold because she was told female Simpsons are the winners and male Simpsons are the losers.

        Like

      • Grant Spatchcock says:

        Bridget, even Bart’s NSYNC-style boy band had more talent than Jesse!

        Like

      • Grant Spatchcock says:

        I imagine it would look something like Joey spitting water on Mrs K while she’s wearing nothing but balloons and singing “Fever”.

        Like

      • ironymaiden says:

        I really want to watch The Simpsons now.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        You really should watch “The Simpsons”! I watched my “Simpsons” DVD with my 9 year old nephew and he laughed at the whole thing! At least Maggie Simpson never grew up to be an annoying little kid who talks. Homer Simpson’s barber shop quartet had more talent than Jesse’s Hot Stupid Daddy and the Stupid Monkey Puppets!

        Like

  26. The Audience says:

    Don’t we get to say “awww” this week?

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      “No awwws for you!” And the Awww Nazi snatched back the card that prompted the audience to make emotive noises.

      Like

  27. Giovannni says:

    I like full house ( and yes, feel free to murder me in my sleep for saying that ) but I have to say your reviews put a new twist on the show it’s like watching a totally different show when you’re describing it and I just love it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lovetolaugh says:

      Hahaha, Giovanni, glad you are enjoying the blog! It’s always nice to get a perspective from a true fan of the show who still gets enjoyment out of this site and views it as the harmless form of entertainment it’s meant to be.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Giovannni says:

        I agree with you about how other “true fans” act towards this site. It bothers me when I see them make it a big deal about how this site criticizes Full House I mean it’s only one guy’s (one incredibly funny , dedicated , and awesome guy) opinion on this site not the whole world’s.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Yeah, I watched and genuinely liked this show when I was a kid, so I can’t exactly hate it altogether based off that. But even then, even if it was a show I was currently a fan of, if someone has an entertaining, funny take on the show and pokes fun at some of its goofier aspects, fine! Hell, with all of my favorite shows I’ll have my own moments where I notice the flaws and stupider/more ridiculous aspects or whatever.

        I’m glad you have such a mature attitude about the blog :).

        Like

    • Lisa says:

      Totally agree! I can’t truthfully denounce my title as an adult fan of FH — I still really like it, mainly because it’s so nostalgic for me and my family — but I’m totally aware of what a crappy show it is, and could hardly miss that fact even as a kid. Which is why this blog makes me laugh so hard. Not a paradox to love both FH and FHR, IMHO.

      Like

  28. Stacy says:

    I think another first in this episode: Michelle apologizing in any capacity for her asshole behavior – and apologizing unprompted. Seems based on the reviews (because I honestly can’t remember anything concrete about the show itself though I know i must have watched it some back in the day) Michelle never apologized unless she was forced to.

    Also, I’m surprised Michelle had a Kermit sticker – seems with the whole ABC/Disney connection that would have been against the law.

    Like

    • Stacy says:

      Ok, just googled it and yes, Disney does own the Muppets now. However, that purchase happened in 2004 – more than 10 years after this episode was aired.

      So I’m still surprised Michelle had a Kermit sticker rather than a Mickey one.

      Like

  29. Emily says:

    This episode is extra pointless.

    Like

  30. Ryan says:

    The only part of this episode I remember prior to reading this review was when Jesse was arguing with that kid. I distinctly remember the kid saying, “Don’t mess with this lock, it’s solid steel” or something as he is locking it to a parking meter, then Michelle says “I told you he was scary” or something, then Jesse says something like “Yea, but not too bright” as he lifts the bike over the parking meter and puts it in his car.

    Why do I remember these scenes?

    Like

    • Staplerhed says:

      That is the one thing that I learned from this episode. Don’t lock your bike up to anything that you can just lift the lock over. Because some jobless crappy musician might come around and steal it for his monkey-faced niece.

      Like

  31. dawn says:

    Ha! Yes I can totally picture Derek dancing & doin a little dancing to Mariah! What a perfect match! I could totally see Derek going for those high pitched mariah-esque trills in such a high pitch that sometimes only dogs can register them! I love how u put so much thought into the timing of everything, how fast the news of the theft was out, Jesses sketch, the big dude showing up u amaze me : ) What I always wondered while watching this ep was how can that woman find joeys ass alluring its a flat flabby wide nongendered ass-meaning if I was walking behind & he was wearing nongendered specific clothing & hair covered up I couldn’t tell if he was male or female just sayin Btw I saw him on a rerun of ricki lake show (don’t normally watch rockin but its kinda like a car wreck u don’t want to look but u can’t help but b curious) Anyhoo what an obnoxious annoying twit! He was so into himself the show actually became uncomfortable to watch What a self centered a**hole he interupted everyone & kept directing the questions towards him & bob sagat too he couldn’t giv him enuff shoutouts. It’s like once ur in the full house where everything revolves around the ppl who live in it, that horrid curse attatched & follows you keeping you obnoxious & center of the universe Sorry enuff blah Great work Billy!

    Like

    • SavaFiend says:

      I have to agree, Joey’s ass is pretty unappealing, but then again, the Marcia Wallace character doesn’t look like she has much going for herself, so I guess she’s just gonna pounce on the closest male she can find.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        There was a lady on “Cheers” who was gorgeous named Paula who dated Paul and Sam wondered why with all his sexiness this lady shot him down. Paul said that Paula was a chubby chaser and she only dated fat guys. Paul was also teased because he didn’t know the song, “Hey, Paul”- “Hey, hey Paul, I want to marry you. Hey, Hey Paula.”.

        Like

  32. SavaFiend says:

    I’m amazed that even though the police are involved to distribute fliers and such about the bicycle thieves, the Full House doesn’t even suffer any consequences for stealing those bikes! In real life, even if the bikes were returned, the guys would get some kind of criminal charge for taking them in the first place.

    Seriously, could you see this play out in real life?

    “I’m sorry, officer, I did take those bikes because my little whiny niece/daughter/whatever had her bike stolen and we thought we were re-claiming it for her. We didn’t know they really belonged to those other kids, but we gave them back!”

    Yeah, I’m sure the police would totally buy that, especially after all the manpower they supposedly in by making and distributing fliers!

    Like

  33. SavaFiend says:

    Does anyone else wonder why that kid was out riding his sister’s bike in the first place? What, he doesn’t have one of his own? Seems like his big, bad-ass dad might be the kind to have a problem with his son riding a pink bike anyway. I was confused by that. It would have made more sense if Michelle spotted a GIRL she knew and didn’t like riding the bike, but then again, this is Full House, so I guess anything goes.

    Like

    • Ryan says:

      I vaguely remember the kid saying his bike had a flat tire or something. You’d have to watch the episode to be sure; I, for one, am not that interested in reliving any of this shitty show. 😛

      Like

  34. lovetolaugh says:

    I love how for this one episode, the young kids of the full house universe are suddenly riding their bikes to and fro instead of, say, having their parents drive them to their destinations.

    Seriously, am I the only one who wouldn’t let my 9-year-old son ride his bike to his trumpet lesson on the streets of San Francisco? Doesn’t Davy have parents who can drive him? Clearly he does, and clearly his father wasn’t overly busy, as he had all the time in the world to stop by the full house and threaten Jesse!

    Even the little girl who supposedly rode her bike to the library….seriously, where were her parents? It’s one thing to let children ride to their friends’ houses in the same neighborhood, but actual distances? Little kids on bikes can possibly veer off into driving lanes, misinterpret traffic rules, or simply go unnoticed by drivers.

    I just don’t think I would let my 7 or 9-year-old ride his or her bike where I was not able to keep on eye on them.

    The Full House universe needs new parents!

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Davy was riding his sister’s bike because his had a flat. I mean, couldn’t he have fixed it? It’s not as complicated as fixing a flat tire and they don’t jack bikes up to fix the tires. I do remember the movie “Now and Then” that came out the same year FH went off the air and in that one, the four 12 year old girls were riding their bikes to the next town over to find out information in that town’s library on how a boy their age and his mom died in the 1930s. They also smoked cigarettes with a Vietnam vet because the movie took place in the summer of 1970. I don’t know if that’s the best example because a 12 year old is a young adult and a 9 year old kid is still just a kid. I did read “I Know My First Name Is Steven” and that guy Kenneth Parnell gave Steven aka Dennis a lot of free reign to run wild but it was the 1970s and kids did that kind of thing.

      Like

      • Marie says:

        I can’t tell if you’re getting more lucid, or if I’m getting better at following your train of thought. Have you started ADD medications recently?

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        No, just antidepressants and I don’t have a mean boss to look forward to in the morning.

        Like

      • Becki says:

        I’m almost 40 years old and yes when I was nine I rode my bike miles away from home,to the library etc. it was a safer time in the 80’s. kids would ride their bikes all day everywhere and only come home when the street lights came on. Remember back then there was no Internet, no computers and later on the Atari, so yes kids rode bikes all day everywhere back then.

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Oh okay, thanks for your perspective Becki 🙂

        Sometimes I do forget that this show took place twenty years ago!

        Like

  35. Oh Mylanta says:

    Oh, Mrs. Carruthers… That woman still gives me nightmares. Yes, I actually remember Marcia Wallace’s character’s name. I am that pathetic.

    Like

  36. If only every major fuck-up in my life could have been resolved by taking everyone out for frozen yogurt. Goddamn you, Danny Tanner, you son of a bitch.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Hey, taking everyone out for frozen yogurt might work out! God help me if it did, I would have taken my bosses from my first job out for it and they would have let me stay!

      Like

  37. Uncle Jersey says:

    Two things, one: Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets….that came from an episode where Jersey is using a puppet to talk to Michelle I think, way back in one of the earlier seasons. There is some actual continuity for you!

    Second: you have Bay Area Tanner shirts, what about finding a way to make the Crime Catcher shirts?? Good source of revenue I think…..

    Like

  38. FHRFan says:

    Mr Goodpart, you scored a major win with your choice of screen name. Well played, sir.

    Like

    • Mr Goodpart says:

      Thank you kind sir. Uncle Jesse was my favorite character growing up which, in hindsight, could explain why I got in so much trouble throughout my adolescence.

      Like

  39. Giovannni says:

    Billy Superstar ( at least that’s how I think it’s spelled ) I think you might enjoy watching the nostalgia critic’s review on full house here’s a link to it http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/7511-fullhouse

    Like

    • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

      This is lovely. I lost it when he reviewed the first line of the series, from the missing-since-season-one Granny Tanney: “The baby’s sleeping like a baby.”

      Like

      • Giovannni says:

        She’s not missing she’s been hanging out with Bubba the Turtle at her beach house for the past 7 seasons.

        Like

  40. Taylor Kerekes says:

    Basically, this episode suffers from a TV Trope called “Fawlty Towers Plot”. Just thought I’d let you know.

    Like

  41. Bridget says:

    Angela, I did mention “It’s a Good Life” in regards to Michelle. I read about Jerome Bixby’s “It’s a Good Life” in Stephen King’s “Firestarter” when Charlie McGee set her teddy bear on fire when she was a year old. She was crawling and her legs tangled around Ted and she went down the stairs. Andy her dad felt the bolt of death come out of her mind and the bear was on fire. He immediately thought of that story and I was curious about the story and I found it and read it. “The Simpsons” parodied the story with Bart as the monster and maybe the writers of FH thought of creating a world with a little girl running the show with her childish whims and demands not kept in check.

    Like

    • Angela says:

      Ah, okay, it was you who came up with that :D! Should’ve known.

      That Stephen King story sounds really creepy-I’ll have to read that sometime. I have read the Bixby story, though, and it’s just as freaky as the “Twilight Zone” episode is.

      And the idea that “Full House” would be inspired by such a series strikes me very funny for some reason.

      Like

    • JMo says:

      I’ll never forget in that episode, Homer after Bart turns him into a jack-in-the-box and then they go to a baseball game together, the ball hits Homer in the head, he springs back and forth, (because his body is a spring), hilarity!

      Like

  42. Smash says:

    So many kids in the neighborhood with the same crappy bike. That’s the most realistic, relatable thing about this show so far. Totally crap episode aside from the sameness of the bikes bringing me back to my childhood memories. Which, I don’t even give credit to the writers for, they just fell ass backwards into it by being shit at their jobs.

    Like

  43. Bridget says:

    I am watching that inane episode with Michelle buying that stupid donkey Shorty with $221.00 she earned from her lemonade sale. I think all of us would agree that if we spent that much on a farm animal and brought them into our house as a little kid, our moms would kill us! She wanted to buy over $200.00 worth of candy and Joey said he spent over $100.00 at the candy store. I once bought $60.00 worth of candy for Halloween and we barely got a single kid that year!

    Like

  44. Bridget says:

    My people, I am gonna need your support like Propanehead did. I just found out that my seasonal job at Buy Seasons won’t be there anymore because they’re closing the company. I feel terrible and I wish I had a brother-in-law who could get me jobs! When this blog ends, I will feel sad. Billy, I think you have the gift of humor and you’re as funny as DL Stewart was when he wrote about his step cat. His wife owned this cat before their marriage and the cat was kind of a junky when it came to cat treats. I think all of you bring new insight and observations to a crappy show and I find them all very funny!

    Like

    • Angela says:

      I wish I had a brother-in-law who could get me jobs!

      This made me laugh.

      Sorry about your job, that sucks. Hope you manage to find another one very soon. And I agree with you about the comments on this blog-I like reading everyone’s thoughts, yours included :).

      Like

  45. Livvie says:

    I hated this episode when it aired and it still grates on my nerves. Nothing that happened made any sense. It was all too stupid to stomach.

    Like

  46. Dave Wollenberg says:

    Hey, guys, I noticed nobody else commented on this: Davy’s character carried a TROMBONE case, not a trumpet 1!

    Like

  47. Dave Wollenberg says:

    Interestin’ how Davey sadi he was goin’ for a trumpet lesson, when he had a trombone case with him. LOL!

    Like

  48. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    When deez niggaz all went out for dat non fat, non dairy vegan FroYo, did they ever think that they might be raising a generation of future hipsters and hipsterettes who are too good for anything and everyone?

    Like

  49. Rachel says:

    It’s the best episode of the last 3 seasons: a brief resurgence of the original genius.

    Like

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