Season 7, Episode 11, “The Bicycle Thief”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The twins dress like cowboys and ride plastic rocking horses.  Also, they’ve taken to calling their parents by their first names (remember this, as it is a crucial plot element).

As Stephanie does a shit-ass job of performing a card trick, Michelle bursts in the room hella mad because someone stole her bike.  Danny calls the police and then assigns everyone an area of the city to investigate.  After so many episodes, I almost didn’t think at all about how everyone just immediately stops what they’re doing and launches into a citywide hunt for Michelle’s bike.  That’s just the way it is in the full house.  As Danny approaches the front door, he runs into Kimmie Gibbler, who’s in a pink shirt with a logo on it that says “Crime Catchers,” because I guess Kimmie Gibbler is some sort of vigilante now.  She actually must be a pretty good one, considering that the bike theft was just discovered about 30 seconds ago and she’s already on the scene, in full regalia and everything.

And that’s not all!  Kimmie Gibbler has teamed up with Marcia Wallace, who’s playing a lady from the neighborhood who is interested in solving crimes and, apparently, Joey’s ass.  She’s constantly making comments about it and it hurts my heart.

Jesse drives around the city with Michelle as they try to find her bike.  I kept waiting for something terrible to happen to his car because literally every single time one of the dad’s cars has been featured in an episode it’s been horribly damaged.  It’s also pretty surprising to see a scene filmed outside.  Anyway, Michelle spots a kid riding her bike so Jesse pulls up to him, parking in front of a hydrant as he does so.  See, I bet that his car’s gonna get towed while they’re dealing with this kid.  What is it with this show and cars?

It turns out that Michelle knows the kid and thinks that he’s a real asshole.  I guess that they go to school together or something.  They don’t really explain it.  Anyway, the kid tells Jesse and Michelle that the bike belongs to his sister so they should fuck off.  Jesse gets into a verbal sparring match with the kid, because he’s never above arguing with children, and, as always, he loses.  After being outwitted and outclassed, Jesse resorts to stealing the kids bike after he goes inside for his trumpet lesson.

After they grab the bike they hightail it out of there and I guess Jesse’s car doesn’t end up getting towed after all.  Maybe they just had him park in front of a hydrant to discreetly display what a hindrance he is to all of society.  They do that all the time, but not usually discreetly.

Jesse and Michelle come home and discover that Joey and Danny have both returned with “Michelle’s” bike as well.  Michelle tries to identify which one is hers by finding a Kermit sticker on the basket and it turns out to be none of them.  It dawns on everyone that they’ve all just run around town pilfering little girl’s bicycles and then Marcia Wallace shows up at the door and everyone decide to stash the bikes so she doesn’t see them.  It might seem more logical to just come clean to her and return the bikes but I guess that would deprive us of a lot of wacky mishaps.

Danny tries to keep Marcia Wallace in the living room as she explains to him that 3 new bike thefts have just occurred and she wants to set up Crime Catcher headquarters in the full house.  Becky sees all the bikes in the kitchen and asks the uncles what the fuck is going on and then they have to take the bikes upstairs because Kimmie Gibbler shows up at the back door.  Becky deals with Kimmie Gibbler as she sets up a bunch of crime solving equipment in the kitchen and then one of the twins comes down and calls his mom Becky, which is a throwback to the pre-credits gag for those of you that have been paying close attention.

DJ, Steve and Stephanie come home with a bunch of fliers that have been posted for the other three bikes that have been stolen.  That was pretty quick.  Also, why did they just take the fliers like that?  Couldn’t they have just told everyone about the fliers?  One of them features a police sketch-esque portrait of Jesse, which doesn’t make any sense because the kid knows that Jesse was with Michelle so he doesn’t need to post fliers about the theft, he can just figure out where Michelle lives.  Also, it’s hard enough to believe that any fliers were posted so quickly, much less one that features a police sketch.

As the uncles sit in Michelle’s room and try to figure out what to do, the rest of the kids enter the room and deduce that the uncles are the bicycle thieves, what with there being three bikes in the room and all.  They show the uncles the fliers and Jesse says that the police-sketch looks nothing like him because the sideburns are imbalanced.  They discover that each of the fliers has the bike owners address on them and agree to take the bikes back to their rightful owners.

There’s a ring at the doorbell so everyone hurries to stash the bikes upstairs again and then Jesse opens the door, revealing Leonard, the enormous dad of the kid that Jesse stole the bike from.  Leonard says that he’s looking for Jesse because he stole his kids bike which reiterates how unnecessary that flier was.

Jesse convinces Leonard that he is not the guy in the police sketch because the sideburns are uneven and says that his name is Joey, so Leonard decides to sit on the couch and wait for Jesse to show up so he can beat the shit out of him.  Further convoluting this already improbable mishap, Joey comes downstairs and Jesse refers to him as Danny and tries to discreetly tip him off that he is going by Joey so Leonard does not punch him.  Oh!  But then it gets even CRAZIER, as the girls come down and ask for Joey and both uncles respond and lots of stammered explanations follow.  None of this really seems to tip off Leonard.

The Crime Stoppers continue to do their best to solve the case in the kitchen, and I can’t help but notice that setting up your headquarters in someone’s house without their consent is something of a crime itself.  At least the people in the full house are the ones being imposed upon for once.  Anyway, Stephanie tries to distract the crime stoppers with a really shitty card trick as DJ and Steve lower the bikes out of the window so they can sneak them out of the house.  You know what the best way to get those bikes out of the house without getting caught would be?  Just tell Leonard and the Crime Catchers to get the fuck out.

Meanwhile, in the living room, the uncles sit uncomfortably close to Leonard on the couch.

Becky comes in and it turns out that she knows Leonard because he’s her butcher.  Sure, why not?  The ol’ name switcheroo confuses her and she launches into more stammering and confused excuses as she tries to go along with it.  Leonard continues to be fooled by the world’s most obvious ruse until one of the twins runs into the room and calls Jesse by his name.  See, that plot element really paid off!  Aren’t you glad that you were paying such close attention?

Leonard grabs Jesse and throws him up onto his shoulder, which seems more like a fun ride than a violent act, and then Danny runs in and explains to him that it’s all a big misunderstanding and the bike is being returned to his kid.  The Crime Catchers come into the room and confirm that the bikes have been returned and then everyone agrees that things are back to normal until Michelle’s like, “hey, cocksuckers, my bikes still missing!”  Her conviction is undeniable due to her outstretched arms with the palms facing up.

Just that moment, Derek shows up and explains that he’s had Michelle’s bike since she left it at his house last week.  I don’t know why it took him a whole week to bring it back.  I guess that he was holed up in his room singing along to Mariah Carey albums or something.

Everyone expresses a modicum of annoyance towards Michelle for being such a stupid asshole and causing so much trouble but then it’s immediately resolved when Danny announces that he’s going to take everyone out for frozen yogurt.

Marcia Wallace makes another unsettling comment about Joey’s ass and then Michelle apologizes to Jesse for making everyone look for her bike and says that she’ll try not to be such a fucking moron in the future.  Then, in a moment of irony as delicious as the frozen yogurt they’re about to enjoy, she can’t find her jacket and immediately assumes that someone stole it.  Oh, Michelle!  At least the music never came on this episode.  I guess it’s because nobody learned anything.  I mean, it’s not like they ever do, but this time we’re not even supposed to believe that they did.

Firsts:  Someone does not crash their car