Season 7, Episode 13, “The Perfect Couple”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The twins do a shitty job of wrapping their Christmas gifts for Becky.  To be fair, they’re like 2 years old and I really think that Jesse should wrap those gifts for them.  What a lazy, negligent father.  And husband.

This episode opens with Danny and Vicky making out.  Hey, the last episode started and ended with characters making out, too.  What’s going on around here?  Danny and Vicky are the most unpleasant couple to have watch while they smooch, too, because their lack of onscreen chemistry is so uncomfortably apparent.  Anyway, Vicky splits to go interview Princes Charles, leaving Danny to lament about his long-distance relationship to his idiot friend, Joey.  Danny says that he’s tired of only pretending to be in a heterosexual relationship every other weekend and wants to set a wedding date with Vicky so he can start living a lie full-time.  Joey supports this idea and then invites Danny and Vicky to be guests on a tv game show about relationships that he’s auditioning to be the host of.  Wait, what?  How is Joey constantly getting job opportunities like this?  Are he and Jesse even still radio DJs?  I can’t even keep track of all of the amazing jobs that they have handed to them all the time anymore.

So, naturally, the game show is about couples and will feature Danny and Vicky as an engaged couple, DJ and Steve as a dating couple, and Jesse and Becky as a married couple, because who wants to watch anything that’s not all about the people in the full house, right?

Jesse tries to prep Becky for the questions that they’ll be asked on the game show but she is able to easily prove that she already knows everything about him.  Jesse gets all bent out of shape about her claims that he is predictable but, honestly, what did he expect?  Seriously, the guys has like 4 basic characteristics that totally define him.  This is what happens when a character treads water for 7 Seasons with no development whatsoever.  I could go on this dating show with Jesse and get a perfect score, and so could anyone else who’s ever seen a single episode of Full House.  I can guarantee you that every question could be answered with either, Elvis, “Have mercy,” fried chicken, hair maintenance, neglecting your wife, motorcycles, neglecting your children, doing a half-assed job at work or terrible covers of Beach Boys songs.  There’s literally nothing else to him.  The only thing I find at all surprising about this scenario is that the show seems to actually be self-aware about this.

Steve comes over to pick up DJ for the game show and she gets all freaked out when she finds out that he knows how to juggle because apparently that means that they don’t really know each other at all.  I guess that when you’re dealing with such tragically undeveloped characters, learning trivial details about them can seem like a revelation.  He’s not even any good at it.  He does it for a few seconds and the audience goes nuts for some reason, though.  I wonder if the producers aren’t gassing them or something.  That would explain so much.

Stephanie is left in charge of Michelle and the twins because everyone else is on the stupid dating show.  She is immediately overzealous about being issued a morsel of authority but it’s quickly taken away from her when she tells the twins to put their pajamas on and they yell some sort of nonsense at her and then run out of the room.

Before the dating show begins filming, everyone reviews the issues that they’re having:  DJ is convinced that she and Steve don’t really know each other, Jesse feels like Becky thinks that he’s too predictable, and it turns out that Vicky isn’t going to be able to make it on time so she’s replaced by the producers assistant, Estelle.

The show begins filming and Joey comes out and starts doing a terrible impression of a tv game show host, adopting the persona of “Joe Stone”.  He’s even got a shitty wig on and fake teeth, as if regular Joey wasn’t hard enough to watch already.  This would almost qualify as post-modern if it wasn’t so devoid of conscious thought.

So the premise here is that each of the couples are having issues, which quickly becomes apparent onscreen and prompts the producer to instruct Joey to encourage arguments to make for a more entertaining show.  Joey proceeds to ask loaded questions and instigate conflicts between each of the couples while the producer gives him the thumbs up from off screen.  There isn’t much ground covered beyond this basic set-up except that the woman that Danny is paired up with seems to be pretty good at answering his questions.  There isn’t any sense that she and Danny will get together, though, because she isn’t conventionally attractive, and therefore could never qualify as a tv love interest.

Meanwhile, back at the full house, Stephanie tries to track down the twins in the hallway and there’s a lengthy sequence with sped-up footage and wacky sax music playing as the characters keep running in and out of rooms that seems to be a sort of homage to the Benny Hill show.

I don’t understand why Stephanie doesn’t just stand in the hallway and wait for the twins to come back out instead of running into different rooms the way she does.  Anyway, she finally finds them and brings them into her room, where Michelle is totally beating off over what a lousy babysitting job she’s doing.  Michelle makes a final point about what a shitty babysitter Stephanie is by getting the twins to put on their pajamas in 2 seconds and pointing out that the reason they refused before was because Stephanie gave them the wrong ones.  Stephanie says that she’s learned a valuable lesson about asking for help or not gloating about being in charge or some shit like that.

Estelle continues to correctly guess the answers to all of the questions about Danny.  She even knows that his recurring nightmare is about being naked on a Stairmaster.  For reals?  Danny naked on a Stairmaster is my recurring nightmare, too.  Becky continues to know everything about Jesse and he gets all up in arms about it, suggesting that the magic is gone because he’s so predictable, but then he realizes that it’s good because then she can tend to his every need so they start making out and then leave the set to go fuck.  That’s really what happens.  It’s not even subtle.

DJ continues to worry that she and Steve don’t really know each other but then he whips out some corny bullshit about how learning new things about her is like unwrapping presents and then all of their problems are solved. The show wraps up with Danny and Estelle having the best score and winning a vacation.  Afterwards, the producer commends Joey’s antagonistic performance but Joey tells him that he couldn’t do that to people every week and quits, which is the first time he’s ever shown any integrity.

Vicky arrives at the set and tells Danny that she missed the show because she was getting hired to anchor “the network news” in New York.  Danny is unable to be happy for her because it means that they’ll be even further apart and then the music comes on as he says that them being away from each other all the time is too painful and he can’t wait anymore for them to start their life together.  Vicky suggests that Danny moves to New York and he says that he can’t because he has like a whole village worth of people living in his house who are totally unable to take care of themselves.  Things get real serious and dramatic as they realize that love is not enough and they’re going to have to go their separate ways and then they hug goodbye, drawing the most passionless and unconvincing relationship in television history to a close.

If you ask me, Vicky got off pretty easy.  Although she never really developed any sort of a personality, at least she escaped before the full house drove her insane like it did with Aunt Becky.  It’s better to be bland and unmemorable than to be psychologically destroyed.

Back at the full house, Danny stares silently into the fire place, probably trying to remember one single potent memory he shared with Vicky and completely drawing a blank.  That would actually be a pretty good Zen exercise.  Try to remember one thing that Vicky ever said or did.  It really clears your mind.  Anyway, the girls all bring Danny a tuna melt and rub him so he’ll feel better.

He tells them that he really wanted them to finally have a mom but they remind him that they already have like 5 parents teaching them to be entitled pieces of shit and throwing one more privileged white broad up in that mix probably wasn’t going to help much.  Everybody hugs and then Michelle tries to eat Danny’s tuna melt because what the fuck does she care about her father’s feelings?  She wants that sandwich.

Firsts:  Joey has integrity, an explanation is provided for a love interest leaving the show

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125 Responses to Season 7, Episode 13, “The Perfect Couple”

  1. Zozo says:

    Firstly, FIRST! Lol, lame, I know.
    Secondly, That shirt Jersey is wearing in the first screenshot: ugh! I remember that fugly thing and he wears it in countless other episodes.

    Like

  2. Christian says:

    I remember seeing this episode a while ago on cable. I remember being absolutely baffled at how Full House can take age old cliches such as the Dating Game and sleazy TV producers and then do them in such a half-assed way that they’re completely devoid of any humor. This show has a habit of taking jokes and premises we’ve seen a million times before, completely misunderstand what makes these ideas funny, and then have them acted out by card-board characters that don’t behave like anything resembling real human beings.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. lovetolaugh says:

    Thank you so much for not recounting that horrible theme song that Joey sings on “The Perfect Couple”…. that fake voice….combined with the smarmy gameshow host persona…plus the wig….forget being naked on a stairmaster, Joe Stone is everything a true nightmare is made of.

    Okay, so I must admit that I do think the gag with Estelle inexplicably knowing Danny freakishly well is pretty funny. “You’re not alone, cupcake.” Ha!

    I hate the way Joe Stone says Becky’s name… “Rebecc-AH”

    It’s like, the producers were probably worried that Joey had become so much of a background character that the audience had forgotten to dislike him, so they gave him the Joe Stone plot line.

    As far as the Danny/Vicky breakup… Even though they had no chemistry, I do admit that I feel really bad for Danny in this scene. That guy cannot catch a break. The love of his life died tragically, then he was tricked into supporting his lazy brother-in-law and best friend for like 6 years, even though they were only supposed to stay for a short period of time. From then on, more of his focus went on getting them great jobs than on dating or seeking personal happiness. Then, he finally has a chance to be happy, albeit with a rather bland woman, and she chooses a job over him! Not going to lie, I feel heavy-hearted for Danny Tanner.

    Wishing everyone a nice weekend. Great review, Billy!

    Like

    • hebrewersfan says:

      Why, oh why, did you have the bring up the “Rebecc-AH”, I had totally forgotten about that until now! My mind is drawing a blank on my thoughts of this episode after that. And in regard to having no memory of Vicki, the only things I remember her for were those seashell earrings and making goat cheese pizza.

      Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Ahh I’m sorry, hebrewersfan! I guess I unfairly assumed that everyone else’s long-term memory insisted on storing that horror, too.

        Like

    • Colleen says:

      Damn you! Why did you have to bring up Rebbec-AH? I had actually managed to block that out!

      Like

    • Angela says:

      That screencap of Joey as “Joe Stone” will haunt my dreams for years to come. As will the whole “Danny on a Stairmeister” thing. Thank you, Billy and “Full House”. Thank you so, SO much.

      Like

  4. Sara says:

    I’m at work. I just did the Vicky Zen exercise and I feel so relaxed! It seriously cleared out my whole brain.

    Like

    • Melanie says:

      I did too, but now I feel stressed out. Something… something… turkey boot? Something something… German dancing? UGH!

      Like

    • Bridget says:

      Welcome 3rd Sara! I was gonna ask the three of you who are all named that (2 of them have the H at the end) if your moms ever sang you the Jefferson Starship song “Sara” when you were babies? Blame me because I keep watching “Baby M” and that band and JoBeth Williams and Jenny Lewis sing it to the baby! I could use the Zen-Vicky thing at my job fair to clear my mind. Billy, my younger brother is in his late 30s and he can’t wrap a decent present either. I think Jesse should have gotten his sons inexpensive Xmas gift bags to put Becky’s presents in. I bought a bunch at a drug store for 50 cents to a dollar and they were very pretty and Christmasy! I do think we should watch the funny parts of the Newlywed Game and they had this ditzy blond lady on who was asked, “Is your husband more urban than rural?”. She said, “I don’t know what they mean!”. I also like the Family Fued with the famous question of what month does a pregnant woman show and this contestant said, “September.”. Hey, if the kid is born in October to January, in a sense, she is right! Back to FH, typical Michelle would want her father’s sandwich while he’s in emotional pain! If her father was recovering in the hospital from a car accident, she would probably say, “Hey, Dad, if you don’t want your pudding cup, I’ll take it!”

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        I actually assumed that I was named after the Starship song (which I like), but it turns out that I was named after the Fleetwood Mac song (which I don’t). I guess it would make sense if we were all named after different songs about girls named Sara(h) – there are like, 12-15 of them. I know that because my stalker gave me a ride home from work one day and played me a CD he had burned that contained nothing but songs that contained that name. LONGEST. CD. EVER. For various reasons…

        Like

      • Did it have the Ben Folds song Zach and Sara on it?

        Like

      • Sully says:

        Ben Folds also wrote a song about me! Kate! I love that song. Mainly because a random guy in my high school used to sing it to me while walking down the halls.

        Like

      • sally says:

        LOL about the stalker!!! My name is actually Sarah and Sally is my nickname and I had this creepy guy in the 9th grade play me “When Sara Smiles” by Hall and Oates and I was so pissed! I love Hall and Oates and I never wanted a bad memory to be associated with them and sure enough to this day I can’t hear that song without gagging!

        Like

      • LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

        1). It’s “Sara Smile,” by H&O. and 2). I hope that you called the po-po on this stalker. In all seriousness (and not trying to be a goose for once), stalking destroys women (or any gender). DON’T be afraid to call the police.

        At my first college, we had a kid who stalked two twin girls. After they told him to stop or they would call the cops, he just turned up the head. They would actually come to my room and confide in me about this kid. He actually tried to break his fingers he was so lusting for them. Anyways, finally one night, he told the girls that he would kill himself. They called campus safety (which is rare because at my school, the campus safety didn’t do shit for beans) and the thug was escorted off campus. Then he was able to transfer to another school, get married and have kids. Apparently, you need official transcripts to get into school. No behavioral background check or anything.

        For those women who are truly stalked, I am absolutely sorry for the pain that you have to go through. My hope Sara is that you’re better now. Hopefully, you called the police on this kid. Nobody should have to be afraid of a song because it conjures up these types of memories.

        Like

      • LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

        heat*

        I can’t spell. No, I can’t. It’s the patron.

        On a side note, (and this isn’t an act either), I was robbed by a stowaway who dropped out of my first college. He used to rob people who were autistic and CP and shit. Anyways, he pick pocketed me with “We Built This City” playing in the background and pulled a knife up to my throat. I let him take what was left of my dorm at that point. Of course, when I called campus police, they laughed. I transferred schools. I still like the song though.

        Like

      • Sara says:

        Yes! For as long as I can even remember back, people have had this fascination with singing my name to me. Some acquaintances I’ve never even been close with have only sung my name when they say “hi” to me. LOL.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        I don’t think so, Santanaonfire. This was like, 1999 or 2000, so a little earlier than that. Then again, I’m not 100% certain what all was on the CD, I was just trying to determine if I could jump from the truck when he slowed down :/

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        As I have said, in “Baby M” Mary Beth Whitehead just annoyed Bill and Betsy Stern with the name Sara. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a perfectly fine Biblical name that means “Princess” but she kept forcing it on them and she said the name they liked, Melissa was the name of a deformed girl. She even sent the girl home in a dress that said Sara on the sleeves and you don’t dress up kids in clothes with their names on the sleeves or front because strangers should never learn your kid’s name. Kind of confusing to be called Sara in one house and Melissa in the other! Erin Moore who played Baby M was very cute and non-monkey like in appearance and I wish it was her as Michelle Tanner!

        Like

      • Grant Spatchcock says:

        Makes me glad my real name is “Craig”. Never heard of a song about a Craig, and I hope I never do.

        Like

      • SavaFiend76 says:

        My name is Jill, and there is only one stupid song (that I know of) with my name in it, the alternate version of “DO Run Run” with the guy singing.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        I have thankfully never had anyone do that to me. The most notable song with any sort of variation of my name in it is the Rolling Stones song “Angie”. But nobody’s ever sang that to me. At least that’s a good song, though.

        I do like that Starship song, too, but man, I cannot imagine having to listen to an entire CD full of songs with your name in them. That’s…sort of creepy.

        I know a shitton of Sarahs/Saras. One of the most common names ever.

        Like

      • Jarvis Cocker has a song called Angela. He pretty much just says the name over and over. It’s mildly annoying.

        Like

  5. SZA says:

    DJ’s bedroom seems to have been designed specifically to ensure Steve never gets an erection in there.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      It looks like a bedroom set from Golden Girls… but now that I think about it, those ladies got more action than Steve, too.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I don’t know about that! On “The Golden Girls” Rose said that if someone like Blanche kept bragging about their sexual prowess, they hardly get any sex. Rose did outsex Blanche on one episode because she revealed how many boyfriends she had from her teens to adulthood.

        Like

      • Mary says:

        It is refreshing to think of a show that is actually funny when on a Full House blog….ha ha. I love the Golden Girls! And you’re right, Bridget, Rose was a secret tramp.

        Like

    • Angela says:

      This made me laugh very much :D.

      Like

    • Ruby says:

      Great point about DJ’s bedroom! I seem to remember from an earlier review that nearly all of the furniture is made of wicker. Perhaps she was trying to channel the Golden Girls’ geriatric Florida residence.

      Like

    • Colleen says:

      Good point. For someone who talked about wanting to plaster her walls with George Michael posters in earlier seasons, her room is pretty damn subdued. It looks more like a guest bedroom in a B&B than a teenager’s room (especially a teenager from the 90’s). I mean, where are the personal touches? Where are the books and the movies and the CDs/cassette tapes? Stephanie and Michelle have a cooler room than she does, and that’s sad.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I agree with you, Colleen! At least in Michelle and Stephanie’s room you could see the toys, books, and posters on the wall. What you said about bedrooms reminded me of this true crime novel, “Precious Victims.”. It was a true story of 2 baby girls named Loralei and Heather Sims who vanished in 1986 and 1989. Loralei was older by three years and she vanished first. Their mom, Paula Sims said Loralei was taken from her baby bed by a stranger when it was later revealed her mother killed her while her father Robert was at work. She did the same to Heather and the only son in the family Randy was spared. Here is my point: Randy had a beautiful Micky Mouse bedroom and he had his toys and photos of himself all over the place. The lead detective said you never knew baby girls lived in that house because neither girl even had a Minnie Mouse bedroom, pictures, or toys. The prosecutor said Robert and Paula hated baby girls and they loved baby boys. I think if anyone went to the bedrooms the Tanner girls lived in, they would see the personal touches in the younger girls’ room and not in DJ’s.

        Like

  6. Colleen says:

    I totally remember this one. It’s one of the episodes that stuck with me the most, even though I don’t really know why. Joey and that horrible “persona” and that dog turd of a wig. Jesse’s emotional meltdown that his wife knows his five defining personality traits. DJ’s laughable concern that she doesn’t know every detail about her boyfriend of one-year. And poor, boring Vicki. We hardly knew ye. Be very glad you got out before the Full House sucked you in. It’s like the Amityville Horror house; it makes otherwise sane people do ridiculous things.

    Can’t wait for next week! Though, I think the one I’m really looking forward to is two weeks from now.

    Like

    • Sara says:

      “Can’t wait for next week! Though, I think the one I’m really looking forward to is two weeks from now.”

      I, too, have been waiting for that one for a very long time! It always gave me an overall icky feeling and I can’t wait to read a review on it.

      Like

      • Mary says:

        OMG, me too! I just watched it and am DYING to hear Billy’s take on it.

        Like

      • RG says:

        I’m personally waiting for the episode coming in four weeks. I would love to see Billy’s take on THAT episode. Next week’s episode should be pretty good too. A vast improvement over the past few episodes.

        Like

      • Laura says:

        Yeah, the one 4 weeks from now is probably one of the most highly anticipated FHR reviews, so it’ll be interesting to see Billy’s take on it. That one and the Season 7 finale are the two left that I’m most looking forward to.

        Like

      • Oh Mylanta says:

        I’ve been waiting in anticipation for the review of the episode four weeks from now ever since I started reading this blog.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Just looked all these episodes up that you guys are referring to. Indeed, there’s going to be some really great fodder for these reviews in the coming weeks. I too can’t wait.

        Like

  7. Mr Goodpart says:

    Is this episode Joey at his most annoying? I know that’s saying a lot given his history of unbearable tripe we’ve had to slog through, but “Joe Stone” is quite possibly Joey in his most annoying form. And I’m not buying that he would give up the job. Does he have something better going on? We know it’s not a relationship with a woman.

    Good call on the Vicky/Danny lame relationship. She was really just a plot device to showcase Danny’s feelings. Which are extremely uninteresting.

    Like

    • Staplerhed says:

      Joey does have something better going on. He has a radio show, a kids tv show, is the voice of a cartoon, and of course his successful comedy career.

      Like

  8. Kyle C. Haight says:

    Joey once again proves what an idiot he is by enlisting the denizens of the Full House to shoot the pilot of “The Perfect Couple.” In predictable fashion, rather than play the game, they hijack the show and whine about their fucked up and pretentious personal lives on camera… sounds like a typical taping of “Wake Up, San Francisco” or a broadcast of the “Rush Hour Renegades.”

    And again, another instance of someone in the Full House getting their own show. How the fuck does this keep happening?! What’s next – Nicky and Alex get their own fucking show about looking confused and how to properly speak gibberish?

    Like

    • Angela says:

      Seriously, I know they were just test couples, but still, I have this image of the citizens of San Fransisco turning on their TVs, seeing this, and audibly groaning and going, “Fuck, these people AGAIN?!”

      Like

  9. Sarah Portland says:

    “Pre-Credits Gag: The twins do a shitty job of wrapping their Christmas gifts for Becky. To be fair, they’re like 2 years old and I really think that Jesse should wrap those gifts for them. What a lazy, negligent father. And husband.”
    Gonna agree with you on the lazy, negligent father and husband part (which makes me part of the majority. Actually, I think we’re all unanimous on that.), BUT… I’m okay with the twins wrapping their mother’s gifts. It’s kinda cute.
    “That would actually be a pretty good Zen exercise. Try to remember one thing that Vicky ever said or did. It really clears your mind.”
    I think I will, thanks.
    ” This would almost qualify as post-modern if it wasn’t so devoid of conscious thought.”
    Damn it, Billy >.< Four years in art school, and you come out with this line two weeks before I graduate? I totally could have used this at a group critique. "Afterwards, the producer commends Joey’s antagonistic performance but Joey tells him that he couldn’t do that to people every week and quits, which is the first time he’s ever shown any integrity."
    Totally OOC. What were the writers thinking? "Just for kicks, let's have Joey show some integrity. It'll shake things up a bit while Jesse and Becky are being typically inappropriate, and Danny and Steve are being busy with not getting any."
    "The show wraps up with Danny and Estelle having the best score and winning a vacation."
    Yeah, I can see that pair on vacation. The producer's assistant, and the morning show talking host. Not only do they appear to be a shitty match, but let's look at this with our Non-Full House Logic Hats on: the producer's assistant wins a prize on her own show – no. A local celebrity is on a couples' dating show and wins a prize that is not given to charity – no. "Look everybody, it's Danny Tanner and his annoying family! Again! On TV, winning prizes!" – said no San Franciscan ever. There's so much nepotism in this show, it might as well have been set in the Catholic Church in the middle ages.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      I found out why priests can’t have families: The Borgia family who ran the Vatican a long time ago and Pope Borgia couldn’t control his kids.

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Bridget, have you ever read “A World Lit Only By Fire”? It’s about the Borgias and life in general around that time. You find yourself saying to the author, “What? You made that up!” Only it’s true. Every messed-up word is totally true.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        No, I haven’t read that one, but Mario Puzo who wrote “The Godfather” based the family on the Borgias. My mother watches “The Borgias” and my dad and Lucrezia are sort of twins because both were born on April 18.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Sarah, I put that “World on Fire” on my library waiting list and they are quite good with telling me when my books come in. I am currently reading “Out of Africa” and I do think an African tribe would drive Michelle out of their village for hoarding food!

        Like

    • Grant Spatchcock says:

      Plus, wasn’t it just an audition tape? I don’t imagine the network would give out actual prizes just to say thanks to a bunch of losers who got gazumped into helping out a weirdo apply for a crappy TV job.

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Yeah, I didn’t know that until other comments started appearing clarifying that part. THEN it made sense. I stopped watching sometime after the appearance of the twins, and I haven’t gone back to rewatch any of these episodes because, well… I tried once and almost didn’t survive. Like the giant wuss that I am, I let Billy take up sword and shield while I sit on the sidelines with my bucket o’ popcorn, making snide remarks between guffaws.

        Like

      • Grant Spatchcock says:

        I was forced to watch the first few season of FH by my folks because my little sister loved it, and it was on during our Friday night “Family Night”.

        I’ve actually tried to find a few eps on Youtube, but it seems to be mostly montages of Michelle being pug fugly (even though they call it “cute” on the vids)

        Like

  10. I don’t know, seeing as how Vicky was in absentia for most of it, this whole dating game charade seems like kind of a fitting ending for her “relationship” with Danny.

    In some ways, though, I’m a little shocked that the loss of such a bland woman had such a profound impact on Danny. Not that it matters, because by the next episode, I’m sure he, the writers, and everyone else on the show will have forgotten all about her.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Oh, Santanaonfire, how wrong you are! Danny reorganizes the house to get his mind off of Vicky and this family insults yet another foreign delicacy (sushi). My brother loves sushi and I don’t like how this family thinks it’s okay to insult foods that aren’t American.

      Like

      • Well, shit. I guess now that Vicky is gone, Danny has to kick his most obnoxious character trait into high gear!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Yeah and so does Michelle with her spitting out octopus and all! All the characters act like Willie Scott did in “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” when it comes to trying new food! In a way, I don’t blame Willie because I would probably vomit if I was served monkey brains in a monkey head (FYI, the characters were eating jello and custard in place of monkey brains).

        Like

  11. Lisa says:

    This was an audition for a game show host. Presumably, it was not being aired or even filmed, and yet they still gave a free vacation to the winners?? Yea, that makes sense.

    Like

    • RachWho? says:

      Thank you. I was JUST about to comment this exact thing. But then I realized (to paraphrase one of my idols, Cher Horowitz) that searching for logic on Full House is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Rach, Cher’s hard-ass father almost made me cry when he mentioned how kind her late mother was!

        Like

      • DawnieP says:

        Another classic quote from Cher: “Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there’s no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.”

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Can’t argue with that.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Girlie, I am the Messiah of the DMV!

        Like

      • Sully says:

        Best burn ever: You’re a virgin, who can’t drive.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        As if!

        Like

      • DawnieP says:

        Hello? That was a stop sign.
        I totally paused.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I like “Clueless” because it’s funny and quotable! It does make me sad because the wonderful Brittany Murphy who was in it is no longer with us! I love how she was practically screaming at Drew Barrymore’s Beverly character in “Riding in the Car with Boys” “My daughter’s a tramp!”. That part was comedic brilliance! I also loved her in “Uptown Girls” and she did have a bright future!

        Like

  12. Valerie says:

    How many shows do they actually film in San Francisco?

    Like

  13. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    Wow, Vicky really wasn’t around for very long. Never noticed this as a kid. Oh well, good luck Vicky. I will always remember….not remembering anything about you.

    Imagining Billy going on a dating show with Jessie truly brightened my day; what a wonderful thought.

    And once again, Michelle mooches someone’s food. I’m telling you if there were a youtube compilation of her insatiable hunger, the video would be at least 10 minutes long.

    Like

    • RachWho? says:

      The Michelle food obsession thing is particularly ironic, given that Mary Kate and Ashley grew up to be anorexic in real life.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I said that if one of Michelle’s family was in the hospital, Michelle would be more interested in their yogurt or pudding cup than their welfare!

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Ashley was,too? I thought just Mary- Kate suffered from the eating disorder. That’s a shame 😦

        Like

      • SavaFiend76 says:

        Mary-Kate had the eating disorder, Ashley was thin like that because she was the cokehead, if I’m not mistaken.

        Like

  14. Michelle's acting coach says:

    If the producer only knew these people a little better, he wouldn’t have had to use Joey to instigate trouble. He could have had him ask brain busters like:
    “Danny, what is Vicky’s last name?” or “Jesse, what have you done for Becky this month?”

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Vicky’s last name is Larson and I can’t think of one damn thing, not one damn thing Jesse has done for Rebecca!

      Like

  15. lovetolaugh says:

    I’m surprised that no one on the production team for “The Perfect Couple” called bullshit on Joey’s blantant nepotism. Half of the show’s guest are his housemates!

    Is there a bigger narcissist in this entire world than Jesse? Seriously, does he even focus for two seconds on how well he knows Becky and how much in tune he is with her needs and desires? All he can focus on is how well she knows him and the fact that she said he was predictable.

    Of course he’s predictible. Every single day:

    7 am – Jesse talks dirty to his hair.
    8 am – He’s still talking to his hair. 9 am – He ignores his wife and kids before heading over to pretend to be a radio DJ
    9:30 – 10:30 am – He blurts out offensive dialogue on the radio to a bunch of nonexistent listeners.
    12 pm – He eats some fried chicken for lunch and says, “Have mercy!” over how good it tastes
    1 pm – He insults someone else, probably Joey or his boss.
    2 pm – He goes home and waits for Michelle to come home from school so he can kiss her on the lips.
    3 pm – Michelle gets home and Jesse kisses her on the lips.
    4 pm – He remembers that he has a wife and kids but claims to be too tired to do anything except think about Elvis
    5 pm – He has fried chicken for dinner and behaves rudely toward his wife. He kisses Michelle after he’s finished.
    6 pm – He practices guitar and watches then watches the creepy baby feet music video and marvels at how much the camera loves him
    8 pm – He and Becky have sex after she puts the twins to bed, he says “Have mercy” a lot
    8:30 pm – He gives Michelle a good night kiss
    9 pm – He goes to bed and has a dream where he gets off on treating people horribly in various new ways and talking shit to his family – this gives him ideas for the next day

    Did I miss anything?
    This is what every day looks like for Jesse, so of course it will become predictible for his wife.

    Like

    • Sora says:

      You skipped breakfast. Does he have friend chicken for breakfast too, or those awful oat things from that one episode?

      Like

    • RachWho? says:

      This was hilarious, but I think I threw up in my mouth a little reading about him kissing Michelle on the lips after he and Becky had sex. Also, I think 30 minutes for sex is very generous for Jesse. Since we can assume he’s all about getting his rocks off with no concern for Becky’s pleasure, I’d give him 2 minutes, max.

      Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Hahahha this is so true, Rachwho! Okay, so let’s say he gets off in about 2 mins, then the other 28 minutes he forces her to give him a massage to further relax him. After all, he works so hard 😉

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        He needs that extra time to rearrange his hair afterward.

        Like

    • Colleen says:

      You forgot about 3:30pm when he gets into a battle of wits with a child (and, of course, loses). Plus, I’m sure at some point he looks himself in his recording studio so he can do more crappy covers of Beach Boys songs while pretending to “work”

      Like

    • Bridget says:

      Lovetolaugh, your question about Jesse’s narcissism is rhetorical isn’t it? He almost placed his then infant son in danger when he refused to take the baby out without a hat and the kid’s bald head was freezing! Jesse’s reasoning of letting sunshine and fresh air on the little bald head to allow sufficient hair growth was an example of narcissism coupled with parental neglect! The baby could have ended up with pneumonia in the hospital and the systems of babies and little kids can’t handle terrible viruses and things. I almost wished those kids would have ended up with alopecia (baldness for life).

      Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Yes, Bridget, it was totally rhetorical. It’s really terrifying to watch a sweet woman like Becky be so oppressed by someone that narcissistic.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I agree and I think all the characters on the show have their own form of mental illness!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I think when done correctly, narcissism can be very funny! I am thinking of Ron Burgundy and Derek Zoolander. Both of them are vain narcissists, but underneath all that, they are pretty decent guys! The two of them are supposed to be stupid and combined with the vanity, it works. Jesse on the other hand, is supposed to be this intelligent guy, but the narcissism is actually sad with him and not funny.

        Like

    • Aunt Becky's Tiny Breast Buds says:

      I think this is the most hilarious comment I have read so far in the whole blog. For the last several months I have been watching all the episodes in order and reading the reviews afterward.

      One thing you left out is sometime in the afternoon he would get in an argument with a little kid and get schooled so the next thing on his agenda would be to do something to recoup his ego. He would probably go out buy some kind of beauty product or kiss Michelle on the mouth.

      Like

  16. Esther says:

    Omg, that’s hilarious! Especially how he only eats fried chicken, and constantly kisses Michelle. Lmao!

    I can’t believe that I’ve been watching this show for years and know it by heart already, and I never noticed Jesse eating fried chicken in every episode. Dead serious.

    Like

  17. gina says:

    So I remember this one, but I got it mixed up with the one that DJ is with Viper and the rich nerd hires Frankie Valli to sing to her at the park. . . . I kind of think it’s interesting that all of these episodes mesh in my brain.

    Like

  18. FHRFan says:

    Oh man, the next few weeks are gonna be comedy GOLD! And I don’t mind Vicki as much as Claire! Talk about a pointless love interest. At least Vicki seemed somewhat human.

    Like

  19. Ashley says:

    “Firsts: Joey has integrity”

    I’m tapping out. I just laughed so hard that I got lightheaded. I remember this episode as a kid, because when Danny and Vicki finally called it quits, their final embrace was one of the most awkward, uncomfortable things I’d ever seen.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      I agree with you there! Some actors and actresses like Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner look like they belong together and others like Robert Pattinson and Reece Witherspoon, not so much. I am also of the mind that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie look better together than him and Jennifer Aniston. It was more like a brother and sister hugging each other when Danny and Vicky hugged each other!

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Danny and Vicky moments were more awkward than Voldemort hugging Draco Malfoy.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Corey says:

        Ha!

        Tom Felton actually said that British audiences found the hug terrifying, as it was meant to be. Brits do NOT hug.

        American audiences, on the other hand, found it hilarious. Definitely one of the top ten most awkward movie hugs ever.

        Like

  20. Angela says:

    Danny says that he’s tired of only pretending to be in a heterosexual relationship every other weekend and wants to set a wedding date with Vicky so he can start living a lie full-time.

    My favorite line in the entire review.

    He tells them that he really wanted them to finally have a mom but they remind him that they already have like 5 parents teaching them to be entitled pieces of shit and throwing one more privileged white broad up in that mix probably wasn’t going to help much.

    Also fantastic. And I loved your rant about how predictable Jesse was, too.

    Like

  21. Chuck says:

    When both Jesse and Rebecca passed on that one question, why would it count as a match? And yeah, always remembered Joey’s “Rebec-ah”, as well as his “ding-da-ding-ding-ding” whenever one of the couples matched.

    Like

  22. Larry says:

    First of all, I’ve been reading this blog religiously since sometime in the second season, and this is my first comment! I just felt very compelled to state that this may be my favorite review so far. I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t keep it to myself! Also worth noting is that this is the only episode so far that I seriously have no recollection of seeing. Just wanted to know that I (as well as many many others) truly appreciate your sense of humor and off-kilter take on a classic(read: ridiculous) sitcom. Much respect, man. Keep up the great work, and seriously: do Family Matters, or Saved By the Bell, or Step By Step…something after this is over. We will eat it up, I promise!

    Like

  23. Christian says:

    You know what I just realized thanks to that last pic? Stephanie wore a lot of flannel in the later years. Was that the show’s bland white bread attempt at making her grunge?

    I also liked how this was the first time a love interest was actually shown ending a relationship instead of just fading away. Like that chick with her annoying son Rusty.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Yeah, I’ve noticed that no one recalls that chick, but we all remember Rusty… I’ve become convinced that that “love interest” only existed as a vehicle to get Rusty into the Full House. The mom was Ensign Expendable.

      Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      oh, damn! good call! i don’t usually go back and edit the posts but that’s a pretty important first to include! well done!

      Like

  24. Go Back 3 Spaces says:

    When did DJ chop off her hair!? I was never a fan of this show but these recaps are the greatest–I’ve been reading through the archives for the past week. Thanks so much for making such a sacrifice for the entertainment of others, Billy Superstar!

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      I hope she gave it to Locks of Love! When DJ stopped with the over hairspryed, over processed look, her hair was beautiful! I did read that dreams where you’re naked have nothing to do with sexuality. Nudity in a dream has to do with vulnerability.

      Like

  25. Ella Stern says:

    Vicky did say at one point that she loved a pair of sea shell-like earrings when she, Becky, and D.J. were trying to make a point about the guys trying to save their feelings. She says, and I quote, “I love these earrings.”

    Like

  26. Ruby says:

    Maybe Danny can console himself over the loss of the nondescript Vicki by taking a vacation with Estelle. When life gives you lemons…
    Billy, your past few reviews have been truly excellent!

    Like

  27. SavaFiend76 says:

    Funny that they put up dream sequences for everything else, but not, apparently, for Danny to visualize his “naked on a Stairmaster” dream. Uh, wait a minute, no, I’m glad they excluded that one. But seriously? What a frigging image, dorky Danny wobbling around naked on a Stairmaster, ugh!

    Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      Seeing him in the bathtub with the twins was traumatizing enough. I REALLY don’t need a ‘naked on a Stairmaster’ dream sequence.

      Like

  28. Oh Mylanta says:

    If memory serves me right, I think DJ breaks up with Steve a few weeks from now, awkwardly ending yet another passionless relationship in the full house.

    Like

  29. Teebore says:

    Hey, we can check “characters end up on a TV dating game show” off our sitcom cliche scorecard!

    Also, I always remembered Danny and Vicky breaking up at an airport rather than on a game show set, so I was totally unprepared for this. That is, I would have been totally unprepared if I’d gave a shit in the first place…

    and wants to set a wedding date with Vicky so he can start living a lie full-time.

    It’s a moot point because they break up over it in the end, but I love how Danny thinks getting married is the solution to the problem, like Vicky couldn’t move to San Fran or live with him in the Full House without getting married.

    Steve comes over to pick up DJ for the game show and she gets all freaked out when she finds out that he knows how to juggle because apparently that means that they don’t really know each other at all

    In Steve’s defense, DJ, unless he’s a renaissance festival performer or a clown, I doubt juggling comes up much in everyday interactions.

    Joey proceeds to ask loaded questions and instigate conflicts between each of the couples while the producer gives him the thumbs up from off screen.

    So the one time Joey is good at one of these jobs, it’s just because he’s packed the show with people he knows, and thus, can more efficiently instigate conflict. I doubt he’d be able to do it as well with other contestants, even if he wanted to.

    I don’t understand why Stephanie doesn’t just stand in the hallway and wait for the twins to come back out instead of running into different rooms the way she does.

    Outsmarted by two year olds. The hits just keep on coming…

    she was getting hired to anchor “the network news” in New York.

    I love that in the world of the full house, there’s one TV network.

    Try to remember one thing that Vicky ever said or did. It really clears your mind.

    Holy crap, it does!

    Like

    • Dr. Bitz says:

      Oddly enough, I remember the break up happening in the Full House living room.

      I do remember them saying that sometimes love isn’t enough and I thought the show should’ve played the song “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough” at some point but I was dumb kid who didn’t know you needed pay royalties for music…and most shows are cheap.

      (Also, that song would’ve been way too on the nose but we all know the writers/directors of this show aren’t above that kind of lazy writing.)

      Like

  30. Bridget says:

    My fellow Full Housers, I am watching “Michelle a la carte” and unfortunately they don’t eat her! Of course your lunches might come up when you see Joey in a white leotard learning ballet moves from Stephanie to improve his hockey game! Michelle and Becky build a soap box racer for the soap box race which explains the title.

    Like

  31. CathySantone says:

    Now I have the vision of Danny Tanner naked on a stairmaster for the rest of my life. Thanks for that.

    Like

  32. KimDragon says:

    So.. I was just wikipedia-ing cause a bunch of you guys were mentioned the episodes in weeks to come… and what I noticed (besides my excitement for those episodes mentioned) was HOW MANY DAMN PEOPLE write these shows??

    Seriously there’s like 3 people who write the “Story” and like 2 or 3 who write the “Teleplay”.. Really? This many people?

    For example, most episodes of The Wire (my favorite Television drama of all time, one of the best scripted shows) were written by ONE PERSON.

    But full house needs a whole crack team of geniuses to write this garbage?

    Like

  33. Trudy Peck says:

    The full house eventually emptied out when the series was cancelled in 1995, but the show remains a favorite of those who grew up with the Tanner kids. Mary-Kate and Ashley went on to spawn their own mini-empire of videos, dolls, fashion and more. You’ve come a long way, baby Michelle.

    Like

  34. Rachel says:

    Despite her being an empty vessel of nothing, Vicky is absolutely my favorite character, besides Kimmy Gibbler.

    Vicky seems to be the only woman in the entire universe of the full house with common sense and self respect. She tells Danny to prove he’s willing to take the relationship to the next step by asking him to move to New York with her, for her better job, and never does she stop working long distance just for him. She clearly refuses to move into the full house. This makes me like her.

    Like

  35. BC says:

    Is this gameshow set the same as the Fabulous Alibaba Hotel and Casino Wedding Chapel? They at least recycled the trellis, I think.

    Like

  36. cjenkinssax says:

    People watching TV in the Full House universe must be like ‘oh look it’s that family who are always on all the TV shows.’

    Like

  37. Aunt_Jaymie says:

    It’s better to be bland than psychologically destroyed…. That line absolutely destroyed me!!

    I’ve been watching the series with my niece and these reviews are absolutely making the experience tolerable and enjoyable, great work!!

    Like

  38. Simone C. says:

    I don’t know if you check the comments on old reviews anymore Billy, but I just wanted you to know that that bit about the sandwich had me LAUGHING.

    Like

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