Pre-Credits Gag: Becky tries to teach the twins to say, “have mercy” because she thinks that their father might actually put some effort into raising them if they learn his catchphrase. They refuse, most likely due to their constant struggle with coherent speech, but then they are inspired to say it after Jesse comes home and starts making out with Becky right in front of them. I think it’s fair to say that the phrase, “have mercy” is best applied when having to watch your parents make out.
This episode opens with Stephanie struggling to open her locker, which marks the first time we’ve seen anything outside of the bathroom of her school. Stephanie’s classmates Mickey and Gia make return appearances as Gia hates on Stephanie and then fails to convince Mickey to ditch class with her. Gia then proceeds to pop a boner over some whitebread rendition of a grunge kid named Jamie who ignores her to help Stephanie with her locker. While Gia glares in the background, he invites Stephanie to see his band, Human Pudding, perform at the Smash Club (on the one hand, it seems like quite a coincidence that they’re playing at the Smash club, but on the other hand, where else could it possibly have happened?) on Friday. Stephanie accepts his offer because it’s the only time in her whole life that a boy has ever paid any attention to her on account of her face and fashion sense and general demeanor.
Meanwhile, back at the full house, the uncles are baking a cake or something and they ask Michelle to get them some vanilla from the cupboard. Michelle replies, “vanilla…coming right up,” which makes the audience laugh for no reason that I could ever understand. Seriously, that’s not even a joke. It’s a casual reply. It couldn’t even be misconstrued as a joke. It’s like the audiences reactions are some sort of bizarre inverse of my own. I wanted to punch her stupid face in when she said she’d get the vanilla, even though there was nothing that stood out about the line in any way. Contrarily, the audience thinks it’s funny. Anyway, what ends up happening is that Michelle can’t find the vanilla because Danny has rearranged everything in bizarre ways because he’s struggling to cope with his break-up with whats-her-name. You know, that boring chick? Yeah, her. He’s so upset that he’s even trying to grow a gross, shitty mustache, and yet he refuses to acknowledge that there’s a problem.
Stephanie runs into DJ’s room, which has just been rearranged by Danny (which seems pretty invasive. Seriously, what teenage girl wouldn’t totally freak out if one of their parents went in their room and moved all their shit around?), to tell her that she has a date. Kimmie Gibbler is there, too, and she makes some sort of wiseass remark but I was too distracted by the poster behind her, which presents a photo of a whale and the Herman Melville quote, “We cannot live for ourselves alone” which is the most deeply ironic thing that anyone in the full house could have posted up in their room. It’s amazing to me that the poster didn’t immediately burst into flame when it was pinned to the wall of a house containing the most self-absorbed pieces of shit on the entire planet. I wonder if someone on the crew of the show didn’t put it up as a joke.
Gia shows up at the full house and butters up Danny and Becky by asking for their autographs and telling them that she loves their shitty morning show, which is something I’m sure they hear from 12-year old girls all the time. She asks Stephanie if they can go up to her room and then there’s this really weird detail when they walk in there where Gia casually tosses a crumpled up wad of paper onto Stephanie’s bed. Why does that happen?
What makes it even weirder is that the girls have an exchange with Michelle when they walk into the room and then when the camera cuts back to them, the wad is gone. Maybe it was some sort of offering to Bubba the turtle, or any of the many grandparents and love interests who’ve been swallowed up by the full house. Anyway, Gia condescendingly asks Michelle to leave her and Stephanie alone and then Michelle reciprocates her haughty tone, which makes for one of the most cringe-inducing exchanges in the entire series. I can’t be too mad at Gia because she’s being shitty to Michelle, but hearing Michelle talk in that tone really makes me want to stab out my eyes and eardrums.
As soon as Michelle leaves the room, Gia gets all up in Stephanie’s face like, “bitch, you stole my man! You betta back the fuck up!” but Stephanie asserts that, no, she will not back the fuck up, which is actually sort of impressive. Gia’s like, “aight, biatch, that’s yo’ ass” and then leaves the room while shooting mad eye daggers.
The next day at school, Gia is seen gossiping in the hallway and then everyone bursts out laughing when Stephanie rolls up. Stephanie immediately starts laughing along with them like she knows what the joke is, which is painfully awkward.
Mickey grabs Stephanie and informs her that Gia has been telling everyone that she paid Jamie $20 to ask her out, which is, like, the tamest middle school rumor that I’ve ever heard of. For reals, if Gia was anything like a real life middle school girl she would have invented the most savage lie about Stephanie you could imagine, like that she has crabs, or that she gave Jamie a really crappy blow job in the parking lot, or the old timeless classic, that she saw her masturbating with a hot dog.
Regardless of the rumors’ lack of creativity, some stupid looking kid with a backwards hat mocks Stephanie right to her face before high-fiving his homies, and then Jamie comes up to Stephanie and breaks their date. I find it hard to believe that if Jamie was unselfconscious enough to ask Stephanie out in the first place that he could be shamed by some lame rumor, but whatever.
Danny continues to rearrange all of the furniture in the full house, much to everyone’s dismay, and then Stephanie comes home and tells DJ and Kimmie Gibbler about what happened at school, which prompts her to start plotting revenge.
Danny makes everyone sushi and sets up an authentic Japanese-style dining area, which really bothers everyone for some reason. Take that, Japanese culture! Your customs are strange and could only be explored by the emotionally unhealthy! Michelle in particular is perturbed by this event, and I kept waiting for her to utter some sort of anti-Japanese racial slur. You can’t tell me that you’d find that surprising!
Michelle is so put off by Japanese culture that she calls Danny out on trying new things because he’s upset about his break-up with that curly haired broad. The music comes on as Danny realizes that exposing his family to culture and delicious food has been a terrible burden on them so he says that he’s going to start dealing with his break-up so they can all go back to being insulated and self-absorbed. Then Jesse grabs the plate of raw fish so he can fry it up because, seriously, fuck the Japanese. USA! USA! USA!
Mickey and Stephanie make a giant print-out of Gia’s abysmal report card and stick it up in the hallway at school. All the kids point at it and laugh, including the stupid looking kid with the backwards hat, and then, further emphasizing the turning of the tides, Jamie asks Stephanie if they can renew their date. Gia enters the hallway and sees the sick burn, which is quite cathartic for Stephanie until Gia starts crying. Whatever, man. Gia totally started that shit. Kids like that, who instigate conflict and then can’t handle it when it goes the other way, are the worst. You can tell that shit really rubs me the wrong way because I’m defending Stephanie.
Later, at the Smash club, Stephanie is too guilty to enjoy her double date with herself, Jamie, Mickey and that stupid looking kid with the backwards hat, who may or may not be in the process of becoming a regular character. Meanwhile, Jesse interacts with a bunch of dancing kids in the club and I can’t help but wonder how he feels about being the owner of the premier hang-out for 12-year olds.
Anyway, Gia shows up and grabs a booth with her homegirls before being super shitty to her waitress, Kimmie Gibbler. Jesse approaches Stephanie and asks what’s bothering her and she tells him about the conflict she had with Gia. He tells her that she’s too good-natured to enjoy revenge and that it doesn’t matter what other people think of you, only what you think of yourself, which leads Stephanie to conclude that she won’t like herself until she patches things up with Gia. Stephanie hugs her greasy uncle and then approaches Gia so she can expound the same platitudes that she just learned. Gia is initially hesitant towards Stephanie’s friendly behavior but eventually succumbs to her corny bullshit, so they dance together while Human Pudding plays, which I guess means that they’re friends now.