Season 7, Episode 20, “Michelle a la Cart”

Hey, guys!  Super rad cartoonist Carolyn Main made this FHR tribute painting and she’s selling it on ebay!  I thought it was a beautiful enough work of art to post here, plus she said she’d buy me a sandwich if it made her some money.  She’s also helping me find someone to improve the ads on this site.  These reviews are going to be all done in about 6 months and I’d like to try to monetize the massive amount of traffic I get between now and then.  If any web savvy folks can help with this, drop me a line at billysuperstar@gmail.com.  It’s preferable that you live in the Portland, OR area because that’s where Carolyn lives and she’s the one who you’ll be working with.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Stephanie comes home from the hospital after breaking her arm while slipping on a piece of pizza in a parking lot.  Although it’s satisfying to know that she got hurt, it would have been a lot funnier if they’d shown it.  My guess is that Jodie Sweetin really did break her arm in real life so they had to write in an explanation on the show and they stuck it into the pre-credits gag so they didn’t waste any valuable screen time on her.  That’s time that could be spent on Michelle acting like an asshole, or Joey’s terrible impressions, or the twins speaking gibberish.

As Michelle and Denise prance around the backyard, some kid named Kenny that we’ve never seen before struts up to them and starts talking hella shit.  He says that he’s in the neighborhood picking up his application for the downhill derby, which he wins every year (which must only go back a year or two, seeing as how he’s like 6 years old).  I usually embrace any character that treats the people in the full house like shit, but Kenny’s such a smarmy little fuck that I can’t even appreciate it when he verbally abuses Michelle.  His performance is so grating and awful that he immediately fits right in on the show.

Michelle asks Becky to help her build a downhill derby racer and Becky says fuck yeah she will.  Kenny says that girls are dumb and can’t build cars which gives Michelle even more cause to want to beat his ass in the race.

DJ comes home and Danny tells her that Steve called.  She gets all nervous and wants to know what he wanted because it’s the first time he’s called since they broke up but Danny says he didn’t ask because who gives a shit?  They were boring when they were together and they’re even more boring now.

As Michelle and Becky work on their plans for the downhill racer in the living room, Jesse and Danny come in and start making a bunch of misogynistic jokes.  Becky plays along because her dignity and self-respect has been effectively nullified after years of being married to Jesse.  Although it’s pretty obvious that they’re being facetious from the tone of voice they’re all using, a bunch of shots of Michelle’s stupid face reveal that she’s deeply affected by the exchange that’s happening before her.

DJ continues to freak out while wondering why Steve called as Kimmie Gibbler helps her move furniture around in the basement recording studio that nobody ever uses anymore.  Joey and Stephanie come down and discuss how Stephanie is going to teach Joey some ballet moves because supposedly it will help him be a better hockey player.  Yeah, sure, why not?   Kimmie Gibbler leaves because she knows better than to watch the rest of this scene and then there’s a really obviously pre-recorded sound effect implying that Joey’s pants rip as he does his first ballet moves.

While Becky builds the downhill racer, Michelle acts all pissy and second-guesses everything that she does.  Kenny walks up and starts talking a bunch of shit again and Becky fully engages him.  Usually the arguing-with-little-kids routine is reserved for Jesse, but I guess that this is supposed to be another example of how deeply corrupted Becky has become by being married to him.

Becky tries to demonstrate what a badass downhill racer they’ve made to shut Kenny up but as soon as she starts pushing it one of the wheels falls off.

Kenny walks off laughing at them and Michelle says that she wants to quit, then she slinks into the full house as sad music plays.

Becky follows Michelle into the full house and tries to convince her to continue sitting there and not helping while she does all the work.  Stephanie and DJ chime in to support Becky’s cause but Michelle is still like, “fuck it.”  As Becky heads out to the backyard to optimistically continue to build the racer (because it’s not like she’s busy with a full-time job and two kids of her own or anything so she’s got all the time in the world to help out some shitty ungrateful little girl) she finds Steve at the back door.  He stands there awkwardly for a minute until DJ finally tells him to come in, like he’s a vampire or something.  It’s really an odd moment.

DJ and Steve have a stilted exchange until she starts blurting out a bunch of stuff about how she knows that it’s hard to get over her but he’s just going to have to learn to move on with his life.  Steve appears confused and then clarifies that he just came over to ask for his Sting CD back.  They have a brief and remarkably uninteresting discussion about how they’re feeling after their break-up and then they agree that they can still hang out even though they’re no longer a couple.  They leave the full house together to go have pizza and no sex, just like old times and, incidentally, Steve never gets gets his Sting CD back.

Oh, shit, you guys, this next part’s pretty rough.  Joey practices ballet in the basement with Stephanie while wearing tights that totally show off his nut sack.  It’s really bad.

While this is happening, Danny and Jesse peek at them from behind the stairs while giggling and jerking each other off.

Stephanie asks Joey if he’s ready for the bar exercises and Jesse says to Danny that he’s “ready for the bar-f bag” which is a pretty good example of the deeply uninspired wordplay that runs rampant throughout this show. I usually don’t bother to mention it because there’s not much to do beyond quote it and say that it sucks, and there are about ten examples of it in every episode, but I thought that this one was particularly uncreative.

As Joey continues to practice his ballet he says that while he practices he pictures himself as a squirrel gathering nuts.  I guess that the topic of intolerable wordplay was apropos here because Joey just had to mention nuts while wearing those awful tights.  Well, that settles it.  I’m officially celibate.  Anyway, Jesse and Danny eventually jump out and mock Joey for doing ballet and for the first time in Joey’s life he is self-conscious enough to experience shame.

After humiliating their idiot friend, Jesse and Danny head upstairs where they find Michelle sitting in her room, which they take as a sign that something is wrong for some reason.  Michele says that she quit the downhill derby because Becky was helping her and girls can’t build cars.  Danny asks her where the fuck she came up with that bullshit and she tells him that Kenny told her.  Danny says that Kenny’s a fucking asshole who doesn’t know shit about dick but then Michelle recounts all of the misogynistic jokes that everyone was telling the other night and how deeply they affected her.  Danny says that it’s totally mind-blowing that Michelle is unable to detect sarcasm after living in a sitcom her entire life but it’s really not that surprising since girls are so dumb, but then Jesse says that girls can do anything that boys can do, which comforts Michelle.  Joey comes in the room and Danny apologizes to him for gender-stereotyping by mocking his ballet and then Michelle decides that she’s going to continue to not really help Becky build that car after all so she can enter the downhill derby race.

Michelle goes to the backyard and has basically the exact same conversation with Becky that she just had with all the dads, except this time the music comes on.  Becky apologizes for making facetious jokes about gender stereotypes and then she tells Michelle that being a girl is pretty special and the good stuff about it is still coming up.  I assume that she’s referring to yeast infections and unfair wages.

The family all gather together to support Michelle’s stupid baby race because their lives all totally revolve around her.  There is a succession of races because I guess it’s a tournament and they’re all shot from extreme angles to try to draw attention away from that fact that those downhill racers only go like 15 miles per hour.

Believe it or not, the final race ends up being between Michelle and Kenny, which was totally not predictable.  Everyone offers Michelle a final burst of support before the championship race and Becky tells her that she’ll be proud of her whether or not she wins.  Right before the race, Kenny talks shit to Michelle one last time and she retorts with one of her worst line readings ever.

She sort of barks at him about how her dad says that she shouldn’t say anything at all if she can’t say anything nice, then she says that her dad’s not there and that Kenny’s a weenie.  Actually, her dad’s only a few feet away, but whatever.  Anyway, Michelle wins the race and everyone cheers for her and Kenny’s all sad but no one consoles him or acts like a good sport about beating him or anything.  You know, just once I’d like to see an instance where someone doesn’t just get everything they want on this show.  Maybe a really good lesson for the show would be that it’s ok not to win at everything all the time.  That bit where Becky says that she’ll be proud of Michelle whether or not she wins is totally hollow because she’ll never actually have to learn to cope with not winning.  Not even once.  I guess that in this case it’s not as bad as usual because at least it’s in support of a feminist theme but I’m just so fucking sick of everything working out perfectly for these shitty people all the time.  My hatred for them is totally gender-neutral, I swear.

Firsts:  Kenny

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150 Responses to Season 7, Episode 20, “Michelle a la Cart”

  1. Richard says:

    Steph’s arm healed up quickly. Obviously an important plot point.

    Like

    • Sam says:

      It was part of a plan to do a spinoff about the Tanners being mutants. Obviously it didn’t pan out.

      Like

    • Pink Dork says:

      She’s still sporting a pink cast during the ballet sequences. By the way, did anyone else find the idea of slipping on pizza completely repulsive? Why show? Why?

      Like

      • SavaFiend says:

        I thought that! And how do you slip on pizza anyway? How do you not notice there is some gross shit like that on the pavement while you’re walking?!? And you step right on it?!?

        Like

      • Pink Dork says:

        I kmow! Stick with the tried and true, show. What’s wrong with the good old fashioned banana peel? Yes, it’s been done, a lot, but that makes it “classic.” This pizza fandango is straight-up gross!

        Like

  2. Joey loves chachi says:

    Joey is hung like a horse. No wonder he picked up alanis morrissette.

    Like

    • Richard says:

      I had a dream a few days ago about Joey making out with Danny’s sister (looking completely different here) and jizzing in his pants. He referred to it as making water, cause it was…watery. I remember wondering if the producers got complaints about the unusually adult subject matter.

      You’re welcome.

      Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      he doesn’t appear to be that hung, he just has really swollen testicles, probably due to the fact that he only gets laid once every 3 or 4 years.

      Like

    • SavaFiend says:

      He totally looked like he stuffed socks in there!

      Like

  3. hebrewersfan says:

    Am I the only one who thinks it was bullshit that Michelle won the race by the rose that they stuck in the front of the car? That would have been disqualified where I come from.

    This episode also came out the same year as the Little Rascals movie, which was centered around the same kind of derby race (not to mention also featuring flamboyant Derek), trying to do for derby races what Mighty Ducks did for street hockey.

    Like

    • Colleen says:

      Yes, I call bullshit on the rose thing too! Granted, I never took part in one of these things, but I am pretty sure there are rules about that kind of thing. Then again, as I recall The Little Rascals movie (don’t judge!) did something similar regarding Alfalfa’s cowlick (accompanied by a terrible pun from Whoopi Goldberg).

      Like

    • SavaFiend says:

      It’s kind of like how in the Cars movie, Lightning McQueen wins by sticking out his tongue. Totally unrealistic!

      Like

    • Maggie says:

      Oh don’t get me started on the Little Rascals movie. So much wrong with that and they kept mispronouncing Switzer.

      Like

    • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

      It’s the Tanner way. Danny won that 1/4 of a mile race against Jessie and Joey because of his remarkably long nose way back in one of the earlier seasons. (Oh, I get it. Won “by a nose”. “Lol”.)

      Like

  4. Sam says:

    God, it’s crazy how much of this stupid show I remember but other, more important, memories are vague. It’s like this show is a virus that eats more worthwhile memories.

    I remember Michelle’s terrible line reading. Made even more astounding by that being the BEST TAKE they got!

    Like

    • Full House Expert says:

      …made even more astounding by the fact that those little troll looking things came out of this show being the richest, most famous and most successful! Whatttttt… They had literally NO talent.

      Like

  5. Oh Mylanta says:

    Sorry to defend Joey for a second here, but learning ballet to improve your hockey skills makes sense. It seems like it’d improve your balance and coordination. A bunch of us were anticipating your reaction to Joey in tights. I, for one, was not disappointed.

    I also don’t like to defend Michelle if I can help it, but that Kenny kid was a shithead and an even worse actor than the Olsen twins. Thankfully we never see him again.

    Like

    • SaCha1689 says:

      My male friend and his brother took ballet to get better at football, so yeah, it’s a thing. What’s far-fetched is that we’ve seen Joey play hockey, what, twice on this show. Where did this sudden dedication to a game he only occasionally plays come from?

      Like

      • catwalkspy says:

        What with all the time he saves by not going to his supposed job at the radio station, he has plenty of time to take up ballet for a sport he plays once every other season. Priorities, man.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        When it comes to sports, my favorite thing is how wildly inconsistent they are with Jesse’s ability to play a sport or show interest in it. In an early episode he was all about football and at least seemed to show some level of knowledge about sports in general, and yet in later episodes, he turns into a total, “DUH, how get ball in net?” type of person.

        (Granted, I’m crappy as hell at sports, too, and know the basic rules of various sports at BEST…but that’s how I’ve always been.)

        Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      Oh mylanta, you don’t have to apologize for defending Joey, or any other character. Just because it’s a lot of fun and hilarious to rail on this show, that doesn’t mean that anything any of the characters ever do is ridiculous and senseless.

      You are right about ballet being a real method of improving hockey skills, or any other sports technique. Of course, in real life, Joey would be better off enrolling in a ballet class where a professional could instruct him, rather than relying on his friend’s twelve-year-old daughter. But still, it’s legitimate.

      A lot of football players undergo intensive ballet training to improve their speed, flexibility, and endurance.

      That’s why all of the athletes always perform well on Dancing With the Stars! They come with dance training.

      Like

  6. Pink Dork says:

    Episodes like this one, on all corny family sitcoms really, leave me scratching my head. At no time prior to this episode was there any mention of Becky’s remarkable ability to build a winning go-cart, was there? No, I’m really wondering because I’ve only been a casual viewer of this show. So maybe this has been addressed previously…? Yet in the span of one episode she develops this amazing (to me, anyway) gift for making a go-cart fast enough to beat the reigning downhill derby champ. And somehow that awful child learns how to pilot it to victory. Is there ever any mention of this again? I mean, if this were me and my daughter, there’d be like actual plans to defend our win at the next race. Ya feel me?

    Like

    • Ari says:

      That’s basically the whole problem with this show – zero consistency.

      Like

    • JMo says:

      Countless times in this show, basically every episode, they bring up something that is so very important to somebody, for one episode. Then it (he, she, etc.) is never heard of, or heard from again. DJ had a horse in an early season, she loved it so much she bought it and brought it home. Never saw that horse again!

      Like

  7. FHRFan says:

    “She sort of barks at him” with accompanying photo. Bravo, sir.

    Like

  8. Staplerhed says:

    Michelle reads her lines more robotically than the girl who played the robot on Small Wonder.

    Like

    • DawnieP says:

      Oh yeah, Vicki the robot. I remember that show

      Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      “I wanted to be. Yankee Doodle because. Stephanie and DJ were. Yankee Doodle so I. Wanted to be. Yankee Doodle too.”

      Like

      • Christian says:

        LMFAO! That line will always be the best example of the Olsen twins’ terrible, terrible acting. It will live in infamy. It also makes me wonder how many times the writers had to re-write and simplify Michelle’s dialogue in order to accommodate Mary-Kate and Ashley’s inability to remember and properly recite full sentences.

        Like

  9. I’m currently winning that “art” on eBay:)

    Like

  10. Angela says:

    Kimmie Gibbler leaves because she knows better than to watch the rest of this scene and then there’s a really obviously pre-recorded sound effect implying that Joey’s pants rip as he does his first ballet moves.

    Kimmie is a wise, wise woman.

    Oh, god, WHY did I read this before leaving for work? Now I’m going to have images of Joey in those ballet tights in my head all day. I completely lost it laughing at the image of Danny and Jesse leering at Joey during that scene. That is just…wow. Also, I think we need to talk more about the fact that Steve wanted a Sting CD back. Of all the artists for someone his age to listen to…

    Also, Kenny’s an ass, and yeah, it’s a tough call on the race at the end. On the one hand, her winning shut Kenny up. On the other hand, the fact that she even fought hard to be part of an activity that is generally seen as “boys only”, and learned a new skill that she could potentially put to good use later on in life, that stuff alone sounds pretty forward and progressive and “girl power”-y to me.

    And speaking of comments about feminism and such:

    Becky apologizes for making facetious jokes about gender stereotypes and then she tells Michelle that being a girl is pretty special and the good stuff about it is still coming up. I assume that she’s referring to yeast infections and unfair wages.

    I love you. That is all.

    Finally, that is one amazingly awesome painting Carolyn made. Good luck to her with the eBay sale, and good luck with the ad stuff here, too.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Angela, I agree with you about the tights Joey had on! As someone who studied male junk in medical terminology and received a C in that chapter, I would have preferred not to study that at all! I did get an A in the female junk chapter and childbirth thanks to that large family everyone is tired of! I wanted Becky to pull out “Are You There, God, It’s Me Margaret” when she said all the good female stuff was coming up! I read about ladies who have such terrible menstrual problems like vomiting and diarrhea that they want to die every month! Becky could have said to Michelle, “You will bleed out of the place you pee from every month and this is so you can have babies.”. Michelle would have died! Who among us would want to hear the girl puberty talk on FH? I do think fencing with the thin sword they call a foil and the mask can teach balance and coordination just as well as ballet and we would have been spared an anatomy lesson from Joey’s body!

      Like

      • Billy Superstar says:

        i love that you call it “the female junk chapter.” is that what it was called in the medical book? also, i’d really love to see the full house very special talk about menstruation but i just don’t think it’s gonna happen.

        Like

      • Melanie says:

        Damn you, ABC! That couldn’t have been more than a year or two off at that point!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I think they called the chapters male and female reproductive organs. I use the work “junk” in regards to those parts because of the movie “Juno.”. If no one tells Michelle about menstruation, she will flip out like Carrie White and Vada Sultenfuss. In the book and movie “The Thornbirds” Meggie thought she had cancer when she saw the blood every month. Fiona her mom never told her and Father Ralph told her. Meggie was the lone girl in a family of boys and all of them were red heads.

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Love the reference to My Girl, Bridget!”Don’t come back from 5 to 7 days!”

        I always cry at the part when Thomas J dies.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I liked “My Girl” too and I wondered how parents with daughters ages 6 to 8 who took them to see that one explained menstruation? I also heard a little girl ask her mom what the tadpoles were in the opening scene of “Look Who’s Talking” when Mikey was being conceived. My SIL Dawn says that because of the preservatives we consume girls will start puberty sooner than their mothers did!

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Bridget you are getting me into hysterics! I totally thought the sperm in the opening scene of Look Who’s Talking were tadpoles!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Lovetolaugh, I think one million or so of those little swimming suckers get released into the body when a baby gets conceived. I do think I prefer the Babylandia commercial, though! I watched a show about cat and dog conceptions and human fetus and animal fetus look almost identical until the features come in. Cat sperm can have more than one head and I wondered how a normal looking house cat came from that!

        Like

      • Stacy says:

        A bit of TMI, but I once threw up because I had menstrual cramps so bad Oddly, it was when I was quite young (soon after I’d first started) rather than as an adult. I guess in the beginning things were all chaotic and later settled down as I got older.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Hahahahaha, I LOVE the fencing idea! Yeah, on the one hand the thought of “Full House” tackling that subject is horrifying, but on the other hand, god help me, but I’d be curious to see just how ridiculous it got. I mean, if the guys are willing to make jokes in this episode about Michelle working on a go-cart I shudder to think of the ones they’d make about puberty-related issues.

        Regarding the vomiting/diarrhea stuff…I’ve thankfully never had symptoms THAT severe. The worst that always happens to me at that time is that I’ll get cramps in my upper legs, headaches, and, weirdly, during the first couple days or so, a bit of a cold.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Angela, I like watching “Mystery Diagnosis” and I miss the new episodes! I feel more sorry for the little kids who get sick or are born sick on that show because small kids really can’t articulate in words why they feel miserable. In the case of adults, they get sick, but they can say very clearly why and can be their own advocate, but children need their parents to say, “Hey, my kid’s sick and you have to help them!”

        Like

      • Corey says:

        Bridget, it’s funny that you mention that scene in Look Who’s Talking, because that is literally what led to me getting The Talk from my mom!

        Also, I can vouch for the horrible menstrual issues. I have cysts, scar tissue, and endometriosis making my life hell each month. I’ve had many surgeries that have somewhat helped, though one very nearly cost me my life.

        I think it was nice of the the producers to let Candace Cameron off the hook when it came to a period episode. I mean, they already gave her an eating disorder for a day and had a boy tell her she wasn’t pretty. Spare her the embarrassment of discussing her crotch juice on tv.

        Stephanie, though, deserved a period episode.

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Corey, I am so sorry to hear about the painful issues you have gone through! I do hope you continue to feel better and that these issues dwindle away.

        It’s a price to pay to be a woman, huh? I have never dealt with any horrible symptoms, the worst being uncomfortable cramps and a couple of pimples. But it breaks my heart to hear about what some women put up with.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Corey and lovetolaugh, I watched an episode of “Mystery Diagnosis” about a woman with a period that would go to her leg and give her bad sciatica. Her husband noticed that every month she could barely walk and they told the doctor who had her reproductive organs removed. She’s happier now. As for me, I walk like a 100 year old the first period day. Corey, did you ever go on Seasonal or some other birth control? Yeah, I can picture the guys on FH being insensitive jerks about the period issue. If they joke about a 7 year old girl building a soap box car with her aunt, they would be monsters about the first period of 12 year old Stephanie!

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        To be fair, the jokes that Danny and Jesse made about Michelle and Becky being inept at building a car were very, very obviously sarcastic. Seriously, I just watched the episode this morning (and not ashamed to admit it :)), and there was nothing malicous about their jokes. They are literally talking in faux macho voices and overexaggerating to emphasize the joke. Even the way Becky responds makes it clear that no one is being serious.

        As far as what the dads would be like with the period conversation, that’s a tough call. I’d rather see Becky handle that than any of the three men. Jesse is the most insensitive of all of the men, by far, so he’s the last one I would like to see try to deal with this fragile issue.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Lovetolaugh, Judy Blume’s father told her about menstruation when her teenage cousin wasn’t feeling well. I would hope Becky tells Jesse that menstrual pain is nothing to joke about! I read about airline pilots with daughters and wife at home who schedule flights if all the females are visited by Uncle Charlie. I call my period Uncle Charlie. I think when Davy Jones was alive, he and Micky probably scheduled music tours and concerts to get away from the blues of the monthlies that plagued their wives and daughters. I don’t blame Micky for desiring a son at one point!
        As for Danny and the guys, people change their voices when they kid about something and I wish Michelle knew that! Back to womanhood: I love the commercial with the man, his wife, and teen daughters. One of the daughters quipped, “Even the cat’s a girl!”

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Oh, yeah, the pimples suck, too. And they’re usually the cause of my headaches, because it feels like they’re literally pinching my forehead.

        I too am sorry to hear of the crap you have to deal with, Corey, that sounds absolutely awful (and the story about the one surgery-yikes!). Hope you can continue to manage to find ways to at least ease the symptoms a little bit, if not properly treat them.

        Also, to Bridget:
        As for me, I walk like a 100 year old the first period day.

        Similar thing here. There’ve been times where I’m veering into klutzy walk territory because I feel a bit woozy and lightheaded. It only lasts for a day at most, usually, but still, not fun.

        I remember once during that time I was at work on a day when I was getting over a headache and felt kinda woozy, and as a result I felt a bit crabby.

        And of course, that HAD to be the day when the phone would not. stop. ringing, and we were super busy, and had a couple bitchy customers to boot. I’m pretty sure my pissy mood was off the charts by the end of the day :p.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Angela, I read that pregnancy can make a woman well, I’ll say this kindly, feel like a few grapes short of a fruit salad! Chemotherapy has the same effect as well! I feel like a porcelain figure every month like I’ll break one of my organs if I walk too fast or something! If you want more horrors about menstruation, watch Mystery Diagnosis. I saw a woman with poly cystic ovarian problems and she would literally be dripping pools of blood in school! Another had a young girl who has to go on birth control when she turns 12 because she has no clotting system in her blood. A tiny cut on her as a baby made her look like one of the bloody children in a Shakespeare play and it terrified her grandmother!

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Oh, yeah, I’ve heard that about pregnancy, too, definitely, and I can easily believe that. Our bodies are very weird, aren’t they? It’s a miracle we can handle half the crap we go through sometimes.

        I have seen “Mystery Diagnosis”, yeah! You get kinda sucked into that show sometimes if they have marathons of it on. I feel horrible for those poor women you mentioned, my god, I can’t even begin to imagine…that’s insane. And the one having to deal with that at the age of 12…yikes.

        (Also, hey, GOP, look, a NON-sexual reason why a young girl would need birth control, imagine that! /end mini-political rant)

        It’s kind of scary watching that show sometimes, you can’t help but wonder if there’s some weird, bizarre malady of that kind lurking in you somewhere that will one day pop up out of nowhere.

        Like

      • dave says:

        If Michelle ever had a period episode, she could probably just tell the people living in The Full House that she didn’t’ want to menstruate, and then she never would, because Michelle always gets her way.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Dave, I read that Joan of Arc never had a period, but maybe that’s not accurate! Many people make up stories about the famous to make them a lot more special or something! As for Michelle, I wonder if God forces Pam in heaven to wash his car or scrub the floor for giving birth to a monster!

        Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      Angela, that’s a good point about Sting being an unusual CD for a teenage boy in the mid-90s to have.

      It’s like in DJ’s prom episode, when Jesse’s “band” is singing Beach Boys covers. That episode aired in 1993. I cannot say for sure, but I am relatively certain that the Beach Boys were yesterday’s news by, like, 1980. A bit dated, if you ask me. It would be like playing Linkin Park covers at a high-school prom today (no offense at all to any Linkin Park fans, I just mean that they were big for teenagers year ago than they are now).

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Lovetolaugh, my older brother likes Sting and so do I. I always liked Gordon Matthew Sumpter aka Sting. Many guys like different kinds of music. In “Twilight” Edward enjoyed Debussy and that movie made this long dead composer very popular!

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Oh yeah, I think Sting is great! That was no knock on them at all 🙂 and you’re right, people do like all different kinds of music. I liked Elton John back when most kids my age didn’t even know who that was! Lol

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Exactly! Yeah, no offense to Sting-I like some of the guy’s music myself (and the Police were great), and same goes for the Beach Boys. It just surprises me that this show wouldn’t try and find a more “hip” artist for the teenagers to be into (I seem to remember the Counting Crows getting mentioned in an episode once). Or maybe they thought that was hip? I dunno.

        (Also, wow, way to make me suddenly feel old with your comments about Linkin Park, LOL. They’ve been around well over 10 years now. Shit.)

        You do make a good point, though, that there are kids who do like a lot of “older” music, too. Lord knows I did, thanks to my parents playing ’60s and ’70s music all the freaking time when I was a kid.

        Like

  11. Sara Wilson says:

    Ok, this has nothing to do with this episode but I can’t be alone with it any longer. lol, i don’t know who else has seen this story by now. I posted about it the other day in an archived review but no one’s replied.

    http://www.tmz.com/2012/06/26/full-house-dave-coulier-mr-woodchuck-face-mauled/

    Mr. Woodchuck is dead!

    Like

  12. Jamie says:

    Okay, I wasn’t up to this at all but I came to read it anyway, because, why the hell nawt?

    You, sir, are a genius. I, sadly, was a huge (seriously, HUGE) fan of this show when I was young and watched the syndicated episodes over and over and over. I was a pretty smart kid, so I knew it was cheesy, and even then I considered it a guilty pleasure, but fuck, you enlightened me as to just how mind blowingly, insultingly, cring-worthy it really was….

    Btw, I came across this blog like, a month ago, by searching “Joey and Jesse gay”, because I was watching an episode in which they took their homo-erotic behavior to a whole new freakin’ level. (The episode was Pal Joey, I remember because it was consequently the first review I read from you and I basically peed myself from laughing so hard.)

    Also, I love how much you say “hella”, since I compulsively use that word as well and rarely EVER hear it (but maybe that’s cause I live in NYC and that ain’t in bitches lingo up in the 718).

    I’ma buy a shirt because I love you!

    Like

  13. lovetolaugh says:

    Great job on that painting Carolyn! I really appreciate everyone involved in this glorious job.

    First of all, I wanted to mention this last week.. I haven’t seen the wonderful commenter Propanehead around here in a few weeks. Propanehead, if you’re reading, I miss your comments and hope all is well.

    Billy, excellent review. Thanks for pointing out the emphasis on Joeys nuts — I surely would NOT have noticed that if you hadn’t helpfully drawn my attention to it. Now I can go retch and gag for a while.

    I have to say, though, I always appreciate story lines that incorporate Stephanie’s love of dance. Jodie really is/was a good dancer, and as someone who has always loved to dance, I love seeing that passion in others. It’s my favorite thing about the Stephanie character.

    Now on to Michelle. How come when Kenny is rude and obnoxious, we’re supposed to hate him for it, but when Michelle behaves like that, we are supposed to think it’s cute? Were these writers totally unfamiliar with the concept of nice, quiet, subdued children?

    When I watched this episode as a kid, I would laugh my ass of when Michelle called Kenny a “weenie.” Now I just laugh at a blog that made fun of it.

    Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend!

    Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      Yeah, that whole “But my dad’s not here, and you’re a weenie!” line made me go “OH SNAP” as a kid. Even now, honestly. You gotta give it to her. That’s pretty clever for a seven-year-old kid.

      Like

    • Bridget says:

      Lovetolaugh, I noticed Joey’s manhood first! As for dance, what kind do you prefer, ballet, tap, square dance, etc.? I saw “Black Swan” and was a bit shocked by the amount of discipline and hard work it takes for ballet dancers to be perfect! I think they are trying not to have ballet dancers go the bulimia/ anorexia route. I hope your teachers if male aren’t like that Thomas guy in “Black Swan.”. Winona Ryder who was Beth in that movie quit ballet after 1 lesson because the teacher was mean.

      Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Bridget, the type of dance I do is more the hip-hop/street type of dance. And I also do tap :-). I think ballet is beautiful to watch but I never got into it. I like to break it down. Lol!

        I do love doing ballet-style Pilates exercises though.

        Yes, Black Swan does portray the extremely disciplined, dedicated lifestyle that I am sure a lot of aspiring ballerinas cary out. Isn’t that movie eerie?!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I saw that movie “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” and they mentioned Margaret Mitchell who wrote “Gone with the Wind” doing the Apache dance and I looked it up on YouTube. It showed a man and woman doing the dance in a short from the 1920s. I think the movie “Black Swan” was very weird and hard to tell if what was happening to Nina was real or in her mind! Even though Mina Kunis’s Lily character was not very likable, she grew on me and gave the movie a much needed break from all the drama! As for the Apache dance, it did look like they were beating each other up!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I found the Apache dance on YouTube La Danse 1934 and it is quite a violent dance! Two French dancers were doing this dance.

        Like

  14. Erin says:

    Long time reader, first time commenting to say that this is one of the Full House episodes that is burned into my memory for some reason. Even when I was a kid and I actually liked Full House, *shudders* this episode irritated me. I could hear Michelle’s awful line-reading in my head as I read it here.

    Like

  15. Mr Goodpart says:

    First off, let’s just get this out of the way: Aunt Becky looks sensational in this episode. The outfit she has on while building Michelle’s shitty car is tremendous and a real treat to this unbearable show’s viewers.

    This episode continues with the strange recurrence of the unrealistically excessive asshole character. There is no way a 6 year is that big of a cock. Why/how is he in their back yard to begin with? Is he a neighbor or did he ride his bike over here or did his mom or dad drop him off? It seems like a lot of effort just to trash talk about about a meaningless downhill race. Wouldn’t Becky, instead of embarrassing herself by arguing with a 6 year old ask “Do your parents know where you are, little boy?”

    Lastly, during the race itself, there is a huge fuck up. When Denise is racing Kenny, Denise starts off on the left side. A few shots later, she is on Kenny’s right. There is no way they could have changed positions so dramatically in a short downhill race where there is very little turning. See photo evidence:

    Start: http://i.imgur.com/m0Gumqs.jpg

    Finish: http://i.imgur.com/xAXAkRk.jpg

    Total bullshit. We should all write the producers.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Mr. Goodpart, give horrible children a little more credit! There were children I went to school with whom I wished their parents would have aborted. Maybe in a dystopia if they isolate a bully gene or something, the parents would decide not to bring that kind of kid into the world or abort them! I forgot what study it was, but they said that when abortion was legalized, the crime rate went down. I think Becky is very attractive and maybe she married Jesse because Nebraska boys aren’t good-looking and he is the total antithesis of them and she wanted to defy her parents! That makes sense because Becky’s family can’t stand Jesse and that makes them all very intelligent!

      Like

  16. Colleen says:

    The person who decided that Joey in tights and a dance belt was a good idea needs to be shot.

    Also (and I can’t believe I remember this) but doesn’t Michelle win the last race due to a rose that had been placed on the front end of her car, which beats Kenny’s by like an inch? Aren’t there rules against that kind of thing? Or could someone place a ten-foot pole on the front of theirs and declare themselves the winner before the race even starts?

    Like

    • catwalkspy says:

      Seriously, does Joey really NEED to wear tights? I mean, wouldn’t most dudes just put on comfortable sweats or something? He probably had them forever and was so excited to finally have an excuse to wear them.

      Like

  17. Melanie says:

    You know what just now started bugging me? Everybody is wearing shoes inside. Not only is that UNACCEPTABLE IN HUMAN SOCIETY, but there is no way Danny Tanner would allow it! The guy is borderline OCD, and he’s going to let the full house tread San Francisco street filth into his nice carpet?

    Like

    • Sally says:

      Well, my husband is a weirdo and thinks its dirty to go barefoot indoors so maybe Danny Tanner is that kind of weirdo as well. But on a similar note, it has always bothered me that the family is almost always fully dressed unless the occasion serves the plot like Becky building the go-cart. I mean, I looked like an extra from Annie most of the time as a child unless I had to go to school or church. It’s weird how neat and clean the family ALWAYS looks even when lounging around the house.

      Like

      • Melanie says:

        How is it dirty to NOT wear shoes inside? It’s only dirty if you’re wearing shoes inside! MADNESS!

        And as for being well-dressed, it must be that they literally have no idea when people are going to come bursting in the backdoor at any given moment.

        Like

      • catwalkspy says:

        LOL Me too!

        Like

    • kate says:

      whaaa? wearing shoes inside is unacceptable? maybe in japan. not in my house, or any house i’ve ever been in.

      Like

      • Melanie says:

        You’re right, it must be another ethnocentric rebellion against Japanese culture! Good catch.

        Like

      • Kate says:

        Haha! Totally. Those racist tanners.

        Like

      • Lisa says:

        Also not socially acceptable in India or Canada. I’m Canadian and have lived in the U.S. for 18 years, and still can’t bear to wear shoes inside. Thinking of tracking all that outdoors dirt and crap into my nice home … shudder.

        Like

    • Anisky says:

      Um… since when is wearing shoes inside unacceptable in human culture?

      Like

  18. teebore says:

    That’s time that could be spent on Michelle acting like an asshole, or Joey’s terrible impressions, or the twins speaking gibberish.

    aka the show’s Bermuda Triangle of Shit, which sucks in anything of possible interest or humor, never to be seen again.

    She gets all nervous and wants to know what he wanted because it’s the first time he’s called since they broke up

    I am frankly impressed by the level of continuity displayed by the whole Steve/DJ post-breakup subplot in this episode.

    then there’s a really obviously pre-recorded sound effect implying that Joey’s pants rip as he does his first ballet moves.

    On the one hand, it would probably help if he wasn’t wearing jeans. On the other hand, we later get that and must deal with his bulging sack. So…yeah. Lose/Lose.

    While Becky builds the downhill racer, Michelle acts all pissy and second-guesses everything that she does.

    This is almost a trope of its own, the idea put forth by movies and TV that there’s a ton of skill that can be put into building a soabox derby car, what is, essentially, a chair with wheels powered by gravity. I mean, I know there’s aerodynamics and weight distribution at play and whatnot, but at the end of the day, it’s pretty much just about a controlled roll down a hill, and there’s only so much that can be done to improve your ability to do that better than anyone else.

    DJ finally tells him to come in, like he’s a vampire or something.

    Haha! Steve as a vampire would be awesome!

    then Michelle decides that she’s going to continue to not really help Becky build that car after all so she can enter the downhill derby race.

    And thus Full House effectively ends the issue of gender inequality for all time.

    I assume that she’s referring to yeast infections and unfair wages.

    Don’t forget glass ceilings!.

    Like

  19. Geonn says:

    The thing that made this episode tolerable to me (and it really did seem like a barrage of irritation from beginning to end) was the image of Lori Loughlin all greased up in a sweater and jeans. I love me a woman who isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. ;D

    And maybe if Danny and Rebecca spent a little more time working instead of helping their shitty kids/friends/relatives/squatters, Wake Up, San Francisco wouldn’t be such a clusterfuck every time they show it.

    Like

    • Melanie says:

      Yeah, and I’m a straight lady, but I also scrolled past those images like, “Damn, Aunt Becky! Lookin’ fine!”

      Like

      • Geonn says:

        Some guys might go for the slinky black dress and high heels (I’m a fan of that, too ;D) but a woman with her hair up, dressed down? Oh, yeah. Barefoot and in ripped jeans. A comfortable woman is a sexy woman. ::G::

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Becky has always been drop-dead gorgeous. Not even up for debate.

        Also, I fully agree on casual wear.

        Like

  20. Melanie says:

    “Oh, Michelle, it gets better! Someday, when you’re finally an adult woman living your own life, perfect strangers will mock you for not dressing in a way that is aesthetically appealing to them. You will date a 45-year-old Frenchman, because he’s the only one who doesn’t give a shit that you just can’t bring yourself to try anymore after being scrutinized under a microscope for much of your childhood. In fact, you won’t even associate yourself with any of us anymore. That may be for the best though — I have a feeling your sisters will turn out much worse for their exposure to the world’s critical eye. If I had to guess, I’d say one will become a deranged born-again Christian with a barefoot-and-pregnant complex, while the other will turn to drugs somewhere between her second and third marriage.”

    Like

    • Sally says:

      Well done! *slow claps*

      Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      I actually had to Google “barefoot and pregnant” complex. Man, that Cameron family is about as conservative as you can get.

      Like

    • Angela says:

      You will date a 45-year-old Frenchman, because he’s the only one who doesn’t give a shit that you just can’t bring yourself to try anymore after being scrutinized under a microscope for much of your childhood.

      Ugh, seriously, no shit. I’ve seen photos of those two together in People and the whole thing’s just so goddamn CREEPY and makes my skin crawl.

      Loved the rest of your rant as well. And yeah, I don’t know if Candace is quite as uber-conservative as her brother is (I sincerely hope not, because that would make me sad), but still…eesh.

      Like

    • Lisa says:

      Ugh. Being a born-again Christian does not make you deranged. I find it odd that Candace would get lumped in with Jodie because of her faith, when Jodie’s life is so much more messed up (and my heart breaks for her.)

      Like

  21. Sperm says:

    Four more weeks until Lou Bond.

    Like

  22. Smash says:

    Oh Aunt Becky, how far down shit mountain you’ve slipped…

    Like

  23. Kelvin Thompson says:

    Incidentally, the pay gap is a bit of a complicated subject:

    http://oratorasaurus.tumblr.com/post/47007463161/oratorasaurus-the-so-called-pay-gap

    But anyway, great review. Danny and Jesse were remarkably immature this episode; and that’s REALLY saying something for their characters. And I completely get your point; even if it’s for a semi-valid point, no one wants to see Michelle win. She’s spent the last 7 seasons getting everything she wants and will continue to do so until the end of time.

    Like

  24. kate says:

    Yeast infections and unfair wages. You freakin kill me. I died. This is my ghost typing.

    Like

  25. SavaFiend says:

    I’m wondering why the hell Becky is the one helping to build the derby car. I mean, weren’t there all kinds of references in prior seasons to JESSE being a mechanic? Seems to me he’d have built a better car. But of course, 1) That would require him to do actual work, and we all know he avoids that at any cost; and 2) That would go against the whole “girls rule and we can do better than boys” thing.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      SavaFiend, she said she helped her brothers build their cars all the time and her bros were into hockey as well. Why do I think her brothers are the total antithesis of Jesse? I think they are because they aren’t hair obsessed pretty boys. They probably sport short hair and love a good beer! Jesse doesn’t know a thing about sports, but those guys probably have an encyclopedic knowledge of football players and baseball stats, I would think!

      Like

      • Oh Mylanta says:

        And yet all three dads were walking encyclopedias of sports terminology in that first season episode when Cousin Steve came to visit. And they’re all off playing hockey in that episode where DJ sneaks her sisters into the movies. Oh, Full House continuity… (or lack thereof)

        Like

      • SavaFiend says:

        I’m surprised Becky’s family hasn’t made an appearance by now. We all know how much Full House loves gratuitous inclusion of obscure family members.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Savafiend, Rebecca’s family can’t stand Jesse! I read Dear Abby and in so many letters, parents complain that they hate the spouse their children picked out. Aunt Ida hates his guts and she is shown because she loves her niece and great nephews. I think these parents should just accept their child’s spouse because it would make their child miserable if they don’t.

        Like

  26. taylor says:

    “Michele says that she quit the downhill derby because Becky was helping her and girls can’t build cars. Danny asks her where the fuck she came up with that bullshit and she tells him that Kenny told her. Danny says that Kenny’s a fucking asshole who doesn’t know shit about dick”

    I wish that were the actual dialogue used in the show.

    Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      There’s similar dialogue in the bloopers…

      “Haven’t you ever seen that show, My Three Dads?”
      “Yeah, it’s called FULL HOUSE, ya dipshit!”

      Like

  27. Ashley says:

    “While this is happening, Danny and Jesse peek at them from behind the stairs while giggling and jerking each other off.”

    This, combined with the cap of Stamos’ face directly underneath it, absolutely killed me.

    Are downhill derby races really a thing? I know in the 90’s there seemed to be an influx of them in television and movies, but I can’t for the life of me ever remember actually seeing one- and I grew up in terrible New England where people love that kind of boring shit.

    Liked by 1 person

    • LiveStudioAudience says:

      I’ve lived in terrible New England my entire life and I’ve never seen a derby race, either, nor heard of one happening anywhere. We tend to get drunk and blow shit up where I live. Maybe derbies are a Vermont thing?

      Like

  28. Bridget says:

    Should we call Billy “Father Billy” or “Father William”? If he’s celibate after seeing Joey in tights and if he’s Catholic, it would fit. I call the church across the street from my library the Jedi Temple because I see monks in the brown robes walking in front of the church. Alec Guiness as Obi-Wan wore a monk robe the producers found at a sale of some sort.

    Like

  29. Wilkins says:

    Aaaah! Joey doing ballet in the basement recording studio. Another random “Full House” memory I have. Except I didn’t even remember I remembered this one until I saw the screencap and I recognized it immediately.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Wilkins, did you see “The Simpsons” episode where the family went to Brazil and Homer and Bart were ordered to wear speedos on the beach? Anyway, when Homer walked by these sunbathing ladies, one screamed, another blinded herself with sand, and another grabbed a small octopus and plopped it on her head. Joey reminds me of Homer Simpson body-wise and intelligence-wise, but unlike Homer, he is not funny!

      Like

  30. Oh Mylanta says:

    Okay, this has absolutely nothing to do with this episode, but I just found this and I’d like to share it with my fellow FHR readers.

    http://nickmom.mtvnimages.com/uri/mgid:file:gsp:nickcomstor:/nickvision/nickmom/article_img/uncle-jesse-v-uncle-joey-article.jpg?&quality=0.8&&stage=live

    Like

    • Kate says:

      Plus 3) that would require uncle Jesse to get up off his ass. I call shenanigans! JOEY is the winner? I get that it’s a joke but… wait… I bet Dave coullier made that graphic.

      Like

      • Kate says:

        Haha that “plus 3” part was leftover from a different comment. Disregard.

        Like

      • Oh Mylanta says:

        I just thought it was hilarious how they made Joey out to be a total loser (rightfully so) and then did a complete heel face turn and declared Joey the winner simply because Jesse is a shitty musician.

        Like

  31. Corey says:

    As a native Detroiter and lifetime Red Wings fan, I normally love seeing our esteemed jersey on here, even if it is on Dave fucking Coulier.

    But the image of my beloved team’s uniform atop Dave fucking Coulier’s balls? No. No no no. That is straight blasphemy. He is desecrating that jersey. Not fucking cool, Dave Coulier. Not cool.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Kind of like turning the Crucifix upside down or saying if you’re a Wisconsin native that you hope the Green Bay Packers lose!

      Like

  32. Ryan says:

    I don’t even know what I can say about this episode that hasn’t already been said.

    Like

  33. Ruby Lee says:

    Did anyone notice there was a new set? Sure, it only consisted of pavement, but it seems more in keeping with this show to just have the derby race in the FH living room. Maybe the costs associated with moving the cameras to an outdoor location explain why Danny, Stephanie, and Jesse are all wearing the same red plaid shirt at different points in the show. Got to cut costs somewhere!

    Like

  34. Bridget says:

    The red plaid shirts are more tolerable than that chicken monstrosity Roseanne wore on “Roseanne.”. I do think Joey could have worn red or white sweats to avoid the sacrilege against a beloved sports team!

    Like

  35. Ari says:

    There are so many gems in this one. Well done, Billy.

    Like

  36. Michelle's acting coach says:

    The writers can’t even come up with good names for their episodes. “Michelle a la cart?” This wasn’t a go cart race. This episode should have been called “Michelle gets what she wants (again) without putting in any effort (again)”. Of course that could be the title of all the episodes, so perhaps something more specific; maybe “Michelle literally sits there and takes credit for Becky’s/gravity’s work.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bridget says:

      I thought of food like the Monkees episode “Monkees ala carte” when they worked for that gangster when he took over Pop’s restaurant. Poor Peter kept getting smacked in the face by the gangster’s henchman and by Micky as well! Maybe it would be better if the family turned cannibalistic and ate Michelle, hence Michelle ala carte.

      Like

  37. Bridget says:

    Did any of my lovely fellow Full Housers ever take an online course from home? I will be doing that for medical coding or something! I laugh whenever anyone on FH talks about how hard or unfair life is! These are like the luckiest people who ever lived! You want an unlucky group, try reading Thomas Hardy sometime! Clement Yeobright in “Return of the Native” almost goes blind from reading and studying religious books so he can go into the religious field. Tess D’Urberville is raped and has a baby boy she calls Sorrow who dies. Her husband who is not the father rejects her and she kills the rapist. Jude Frawley doesn’t love his coarse new wife Arabella Donne and she leaves him with a son they call Little Father Time who is a gloomy little kid! It’s like the biggest tragedy in the characters of FH is if their hair isn’t perfect or something! I do have a bit of good news, I got a sales associate job in toys at Walmart and I hope all goes well!

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Bridget – congrats on your new job! While I have never taken an online course, I have friends who have done so, and the thing they talk about the most is the homework – the school piles it on because they figure you’ll have more time to do it because you’re not traveling to school. I guess the moral of the story is, leave yourself plenty of time for the coursework 🙂

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Thank you, Sarah! I have never been a sales associate and the orientation was where everything was and the Golden Rule! I will remember how salespeople tried to help me out and copy them. I live in Wisconsin and it is crappy to have to drive in a blizzard to school or away from school! There isn’t much worth watching on tv and I hope none of us go blind like Clym Yeobright did in “Return of the Native!”

        Like

    • Angela says:

      Seconding the new job congrats! Glad you found something 🙂 (and hey, fellow retail worker, we can swap stories about obnoxious customers or goofy policy rules or whatnot now!).

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I was told a lot of the customers are great, but some aren’t and was told not to take it personally! Were you told that? Dad works at the Home Depot and he is quite good at it! He plays in the Depot People band and they are way better than Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets! I make them cookies and label them Hot Daddy’s Band. I wonder if I can give the moms and kids opinions about the new “Man of Steel” movie because we sell that product. It wasn’t a good movie! I did work with a lady whom I suspect was bipolar at my old job and I just gave her space when she needed it.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Ladies, are you acquainted with the site notalwaysright.com? People anonymously send in their weird/funny/WTF? customer service stories. There’s a sister site called notalwaysworking.com where customers can send in lousy service stories as well. Those are both connected to Retail Hell Underground (.com), but RHU is a little more hardcore. Either way, the notalways sites are usually good for a laugh 🙂

        Like

    • Sara Wilson says:

      Bridget,
      I took almost 2 years worth of online courses and my entire senior year of college was online. I thrived! First time I’ve gotten straight As in my entire life…

      And congrats on your job! I’ve done retail for 5 years. We will be anxiously awaiting your new stories! You’ll see it all, more than you ever wanted to, trust me- but you’ll become pro in no time!

      Like

  38. Moxie says:

    I just discovered this blog through Tumblr and I…can’t…STOP. It’s worse than potato chips. I just read and read and laugh and laugh. I’ve always hated this show and your bile is delicious candy. You point out all the shittyness I cannot articulate properly.

    Like

    • Sara Wilson says:

      haha, isn’t it fantastic Moxie?
      I have a problem saying everything I want to say in a witty fashion sometimes and I love how every line so cleverly points out the deep issues that a wrong with this show in a hilarious fashion… I respect anyone who can articulate that well and make people die laughing!

      Like

  39. Bri says:

    Whoa, Full House almost managed to deliver a feminist moral?? And Jesse was in on it?? I figured the whole show was all about men being superior in any situation – I mean, that’s what Jesse and Becky’s entire relationship is about… plus the fact that anyone DJ dates gets a personality, while anyone Joey or Danny date gets MAYBE one trait at most. Putting a freaking rose on the car to make it a “girl’s car” ruins the whole thing, though. As well as like, the entire show. And I agree I wanted her to lose for the same reason you did, Billy. Especially because they were so rude to Kenny afterward and didn’t show any signs of being good sports about it.

    Like

    • Bri says:

      And there’s no way in hell all those people would stand around this asshole family and cheer forever because some ugly kid won a boxcar race. But I guess everyone at Disney World cared about Michelle and her princess for the day shit and all that, so I guess I’m not surprised.

      Like

  40. Molly says:

    Really, no mention of the fact that Michelle totally cheated? She won by sticking a two-foot-long rose on the front of her car that crossed the finish line first. NOT fair. That’s bothered me ever since childhood.

    Like

  41. Jamie says:

    Not that anyone really even cared, but a google search tells me that Jodie Sweetin did break her arm in a soccer game. It actually says that it was broken in the episode filmed right before this one, but it was too late to add it into that story (even as sloppy as they did here), so they just put her in a long sleeved flannel shirt to hide it, then dealt with it this episode.

    Like

  42. Full House Expert says:

    As much as I love Billy and appreciate his genius, there WAS a valid reason for Danny and Jesse to know that Michelle’s being in her room alone was an indicator that something was up. 1. It was a summer day and she’s 7. No friends? Inside? 2. She’s 7! Her dad knows where she is, what she’s doing and who she’s with at all times. He knew she was supposed to be [not] helping Becky with the car. So why is she inside alone?? I think that was even the opening line (think it was Jesse,) “why aren’t you outside [not] working on the car?”

    Like

  43. Bekah says:

    “He stands there awkwardly for a minute until DJ finally tells him to come in, like he’s a vampire or something.” Ahahaha I laughed way too hard at that part. And hey! I’m almost caught up already! What a fun life I have..

    Like

  44. Martin Tanner's Ghost says:

    I always wondered where the fuck the cast came from. They cut the pre-credits gag in this episode from syndication. All this time, I thought they neglected to make reference to it.

    Like

  45. Bridget says:

    I forgot to mention that Danny and Jesse were laughing about Joey taking up knitting to improve his football game. I think both of them know nothing about retired football player Rosey Grier who did needlepoint and macramé back in the early 1970s when he was a sports star! Maybe they should have had Roosevelt aka Rosey as a guest in the house to set those idiots straight about what hobbies men should have!

    Like

  46. Stacy Hirsh says:

    That is so nasty that Joey is wearing those tight pantyhose, nobody needs to see his dick and nuts :O

    Like

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