Before I get started, I just had the point out that the title of this episode is a euphemism for masturbation. It may as well be called, “Go Jerk Off.”
Pre-Credits Gag: DJ tells the twins to eat their breakfast and then one of them says “mahbodesbloken.” DJ clarifies that he is saying that his bread is broken because he is eating a bagel and thinks the hole is an accident because he is a really stupid kid (and also because he does not respect Jewish culture). The other twin holds his bagel up and says some totally indecipherable gibberish that I couldn’t even write phonetically because it would require characters that I don’t have access to on my computer. Seriously, I think that kid is speaking straight up Elvish. Anyway, Becky stuffs strawberries into the bagel holes so the twins will eat them.
Stephanie pesters Danny to extend her curfew and he tells her that she’d better watch her step because they wouldn’t even have to write her off the show to get rid of her. She hasn’t been cute for like 5 years and there’s not a person in America who would give a shit if she got Judy Winslowed. Denise comes in through the back door and I guess she just had a growth spurt because she’s seriously like a foot taller than Michelle.
Michelle’s teacher tells the kids to greet Danny and they all say, “hi, Michelle’s dad,” and he responds with, “hi, Michelle’s class,” which is an acknowledgement of the fact that everyone in the full house universe exists only to orbit around Michelle. I wouldn’t even be surprised if all of the characters started being referred to exclusively by their relationship to her. Danny would be “Michelle’s dad,” Jesse would be “Michelle’s Uncle,” DJ “Michelle’s oldest sister,” Stephanie “Michelle’s stupid ugly sister” and Joey would be “the guy that will never move out of Michelle’s house for no clear reason.” Anyway, enough about that because, all of a sudden, Teddy’s back!
What the fuck? Teddy was Michelle’s best friend (which might as well have been his name) until his family moved away a few Seasons ago, which was a rare example of the writers bothering to explain why a character left the show (he was much more well-liked than Stephanie, by the way). I thought that the actor who played teddy left to go star on his own show, but maybe it was cancelled already, or maybe this was before that. I don’t care enough to google it. Anyway, whatever, Teddy’s back now.
Michelle’s teacher tells all the kids in Michelle’s class to shut the fuck up and listen to Danny because he’s going to introduce a class project. Danny tells them that they’re going to do a life-sized tracing of their best friend and then he shows them one he did of Joey, which I don’t even need to make fun of because look at it.
Wait… what’s Jesse doing at a radio station? Oh! Do the uncles still have those radio DJ jobs? They haven’t been mentioned in something like 20 episodes and I just assumed that they weren’t doing that anymore. After all, Jesse did become the owner and operator of a night club in the time since we’ve last seen him work at this job. Even someone who has a work ethic would have a hard time balancing both of those duties. Speaking of surprising returns, Joey comes in with his girlfriend, Roxy, from a few episodes ago, who I never thought we’d ever see again. Between Roxy, the radio station and Teddy coming back, it’s like the show is suddenly trying to make up for years of dropped continuity all at once.
Jesse invites Roxy to be a guest on the show and then she and Joey start riffing with each other on the air, which makes Jesse feel left out.
Back at the full house, Denise and Teddy continue to debate with Michelle about which one of them she should trace for that stupid project. Shouldn’t they have settled this in class? How long is this project supposed to go on for? It seems like they shouldn’t have spent more than an hour on it but I guess it’s going to take several days. Also, it seems odd to me that each kid has to pick their best friend to trace… The potential for problems like this arising seems pretty great. It’s almost like the project is specifically designed so kids will get their feelings hurt. And why aren’t Teddy or Denise concerned with who they’ll be tracing? It never even comes up. Finally, I tried to devise a tasteful joke about how both of Michelle’s best friend candidates are half black and she could have combined them by drawing a whole black person but I couldn’t come up with anything that wasn’t gonna sound racist. Still, isn’t it remarkable that Michelle’s best friends are both half black? What’s up with that?
Oh, so anyway, Michelle tells them that she likes them both and asks how she’s supposed to decide between them. She does this while her arms are extended with the palms facing up so they know that she is being sincere. Both kids start bribing her with trinkets and candy and stuff but then when she starts comparing their bribes they get all pissed at her and tell her to go fuck herself. As much as I hate to take Michelle’s side, it’s weird to me that they get so bent out of shape about the whole bribery thing when it was totally their idea. Anyway, Teddy and Denise leave to go be best friends without Michelle and they abandon her to sit by herself as sad music plays and then the dog starts licking her face, which is a really bizarre act break if you ask me. I’ve gotten really used to the hyper-manipulative extended shots of characters sad faces with dramatic music playing for the act breaks, but having the dog lick one of those sad faces is just utterly strange if you ask me. It’s actually kind of a refreshing change of pace.
Stephanie continues to campaign for an extended curfew but Danny just points out that she doesn’t need it because she doesn’t even have any friends to hang out with. Before the conversation can continue, Michelle comes downstairs and says that she wants to talk to Danny so of course whatever was happening before that moment has to come to an immediate halt. Stephanie leaves (and, incidentally, that’s the end of the Stephanie-asking-for-an-extended-curfew plot line. I don’t know why it was included at all… Maybe the episode was a minute short or something?) and then Michelle tells Danny that she can’t do her best friend tracing project because she doesn’t have a best friend, and that Teddy and Denise tried to bribe her and then they got all pissed at her and left. Even though the context is totally convoluted and weird, Danny makes a valid point about how she was taking advantage of the situation and should apologize to them. Michelle, as always, refuses to make any growth as a human being and chooses not to apologize. No wonder she doesn’t have a best friend. The kids a fucking asshole.
Jesse, Joey and Roxy come home and Stephanie compliments Joey and Roxy’s repartee on the show, then she says that Jesse should have been there, implying that she didn’t notice that he was. Joey and Roxy apologize to Jesse for dominating the show but Jesse tells them that he doesn’t mind and that the bottom line is that it made for good radio, which is the first mature response he’s ever had in any situation. Joey takes his positive response as a go-ahead to invite Roxy back on the show the next day, which Jesse agrees to even though he’s is clearly bothered by it (which immediately nullifies his supposedly mature response).
Jesse is left alone in the kitchen and then Michelle comes in and asks him what to do when your friends exclude you. Jesse points out how convenient it is that their two storylines have such obvious parallels and then he tells her to make new friends, which is blatantly terrible advice. Becky comes in and Jesse convinces her to do a guest spot on his radio show so he wont feel left out by Joey and Roxy. Becky agrees since she doesn’t mind being used like this because she’s just totally given up on everything.
Steve returns the last of his stuff to DJ and they both seem pretty chipper about it. Man, their amicable breakup is just as boring as their sexless relationship was. Michelle comes in and asks DJ if she can trace her for her stupid project because she’s her best sister. DJ is touched but then Michelle clarifies that she’s only asking her as a last resort because Stephanie said no. DJ then refuses because Michelle is a raging asshole who can’t even feign tact out of desperation.
The uncles appear on the radio with their hoes in tow. Joey introduces Roxy and then they share a disgusting smooch, which might be even grosser if you were listening to their radio show and just had to hear it instead of watching it. I don’t know why but the idea of just the sound of it alone is extra gross to me.
Jesse introduces Becky and forces a big showy smooch on her while making eyes at Joey, which seems to suggest that Jesse feels threatened by Roxy on a sexual level, not just as radio competition. Joey and Roxy start exchanging corny jokes again and then Jesse tries to interject by sharing stories with Becky about their dumb ass kids. Becky realizes that even people who are dumb enough to listen to Jesse and Joey on the radio don’t want to hear about her stupid boring kids and starts joining in on Joey and Roxy’s riffing. Jesse tries to redirect the conversation back to their kids, claiming that they say the darnedest things, like, “mahbodesbloken.” Becky points out that Jesse keeps trying to redirect the conversation and isn’t really participating in what everyone else wants to talk about and then he sits back in his chair and pouts.
Joey cuts the show to a commercial and then asks Jesse why he’s being all competitive. Jesse tries to avoid any sort of productive discourse but then Becky calls him out on being a big fucking baby and acting upset about a bunch of stuff that Joey and Roxy tried to talk to him about already. Jesse says that he feels rejected and ignored and then everyone hugs him and says, “aww” and then Jesse says that it feels nice to know that his friends care about him. They never address the real issue, which is that none of this would be a problem if Jesse wasn’t so shitty at his job that he can’t keep up with the guests, but at least the storyline is over.
Danny comes back to Michelle’s class to see how the projects came out, which seems awfully convenient (it was supposed to be parent volunteer day, not parent volunteer several days), and then Teddy and Denise present their posters of each other and talk about how great one another are, which makes Michelle sad.
Michelle presents her best friend poster, which is of Comet because he’s the only one that can stand her (probably because he doesn’t speak english). All the kids laugh at Michelle for being so shitty and lame that only a dog would be her friend and then she starts arguing with Teddy and Denise. The teacher intervenes way later than she should have and then Danny cuts in so he can bust out one of his very special talks. He tells the three of them that they can have more than one best friend even though he was the one that gave them the assignment that required that they only pick one. He talks about how he and Joey and Jesse are all best friends and his long rambling speech made me feel bad for all of the other kids in the class who are just there to learn but are forced to hear about Michelle’s stupid shitty family, but then I noticed that one of the kids in the background was totally digging in her nose, which lifted my spirits.
Post Script: Carolyn Main’s Full House painting did pretty well last week so now she’s selling another one. She’s thinking of doing one every week and if you’d like to follow this project and maybe buy some of those lovely painting you should like her facebook page.