Season 7, Episode 21, “Be Your Own Best Friend”

Before I get started, I just had the point out that the title of this episode is a euphemism for masturbation.  It may as well be called, “Go Jerk Off.”

Pre-Credits Gag:  DJ tells the twins to eat their breakfast and then one of them says “mahbodesbloken.”  DJ clarifies that he is saying that his bread is broken because he is eating a bagel and thinks the hole is an accident because he is a really stupid kid (and also because he does not respect Jewish culture).  The other twin holds his bagel up and says some totally indecipherable gibberish that I couldn’t even write phonetically because it would require characters that I don’t have access to on my computer.  Seriously, I think that kid is speaking straight up Elvish.  Anyway, Becky stuffs strawberries into the bagel holes so the twins will eat them.

Stephanie pesters Danny to extend her curfew and he tells her that she’d better watch her step because they wouldn’t even have to write her off the show to get rid of her.  She hasn’t been cute for like 5 years and there’s not a person in America who would give a shit if she got Judy Winslowed.  Denise comes in through the back door and I guess she just had a growth spurt because she’s seriously like a foot taller than Michelle.

As Denise and Michelle leave for school, Danny reminds them that it’s parent volunteer day so he’ll see them in class during the next scene.

Michelle’s teacher tells the kids to greet Danny and they all say, “hi, Michelle’s dad,” and he responds with, “hi, Michelle’s class,” which is an acknowledgement of the fact that everyone in the full house universe exists only to orbit around Michelle.  I wouldn’t even be surprised if all of the characters started being referred to exclusively by their relationship to her.  Danny would be “Michelle’s dad,” Jesse would be “Michelle’s Uncle,” DJ “Michelle’s oldest sister,” Stephanie “Michelle’s stupid ugly sister” and Joey would be “the guy that will never move out of Michelle’s house for no clear reason.”  Anyway, enough about that because, all of a sudden, Teddy’s back!

What the fuck?  Teddy was Michelle’s best friend (which might as well have been his name) until his family moved away a few Seasons ago, which was a rare example of the writers bothering to explain why a character left the show (he was much more well-liked than Stephanie, by the way).  I thought that the actor who played teddy left to go star on his own show, but maybe it was cancelled already, or maybe this was before that.  I don’t care enough to google it.  Anyway, whatever, Teddy’s back now.

Michelle’s teacher tells all the kids in Michelle’s class to shut the fuck up and listen to Danny because he’s going to introduce a class project.  Danny tells them that they’re going to do a life-sized tracing of their best friend and then he shows them one he did of Joey, which I don’t even need to make fun of because look at it.

Teddy points out how convenient it is that he just returned to the show 2 minutes ago because now Michelle can trace him but then Denise is like, “fuck that shit, bitch, Michelle is tracing me.”

Wait… what’s Jesse doing at a radio station?  Oh!  Do the uncles still have those radio DJ jobs?  They haven’t been mentioned in something like 20 episodes and I just assumed that they weren’t doing that anymore.  After all, Jesse did become the owner and operator of a night club in the time since we’ve last seen him work at this job.  Even someone who has a work ethic would have a hard time balancing both of those duties.  Speaking of surprising returns, Joey comes in with his girlfriend, Roxy, from a few episodes ago, who I never thought we’d ever see again.  Between Roxy, the radio station and Teddy coming back, it’s like the show is suddenly trying to make up for years of dropped continuity all at once.

Jesse invites Roxy to be a guest on the show and then she and Joey start riffing with each other on the air, which makes Jesse feel left out.

Back at the full house, Denise and Teddy continue to debate with Michelle about which one of them she should trace for that stupid project.  Shouldn’t they have settled this in class?  How long is this project supposed to go on for?  It seems like they shouldn’t have spent more than an hour on it but I guess it’s going to take several days.  Also, it seems odd to me that each kid has to pick their best friend to trace… The potential for problems like this arising seems pretty great.  It’s almost like the project is specifically designed so kids will get their feelings hurt.  And why aren’t Teddy or Denise concerned with who they’ll be tracing?  It never even comes up.  Finally, I tried to devise a tasteful joke about how both of Michelle’s best friend candidates are half black and she could have combined them by drawing a whole black person but I couldn’t come up with anything that wasn’t gonna sound racist.  Still, isn’t it remarkable that Michelle’s best friends are both half black?  What’s up with that?

Oh, so anyway, Michelle tells them that she likes them both and asks how she’s supposed to decide between them.  She does this while her arms are extended with the palms facing up so they know that she is being sincere.  Both kids start bribing her with trinkets and candy and stuff but then when she starts comparing their bribes they get all pissed at her and tell her to go fuck herself.  As much as I hate to take Michelle’s side, it’s weird to me that they get so bent out of shape about the whole bribery thing when it was totally their idea.  Anyway, Teddy and Denise leave to go be best friends without Michelle and they abandon her to sit by herself as sad music plays and then the dog starts licking her face, which is a really bizarre act break if you ask me.  I’ve gotten really used to the hyper-manipulative extended shots of characters sad faces with dramatic music playing for the act breaks, but having the dog lick one of those sad faces is just utterly strange if you ask me.  It’s actually kind of a refreshing change of pace.

Stephanie continues to campaign for an extended curfew but Danny just points out that she doesn’t need it because she doesn’t even have any friends to hang out with.  Before the conversation can continue, Michelle comes downstairs and says that she wants to talk to Danny so of course whatever was happening before that moment has to come to an immediate halt.  Stephanie leaves (and, incidentally, that’s the end of the Stephanie-asking-for-an-extended-curfew plot line.  I don’t know why it was included at all… Maybe the episode was a minute short or something?) and then Michelle tells Danny that she can’t do her best friend tracing project because she doesn’t have a best friend, and that Teddy and Denise tried to bribe her and then they got all pissed at her and left.  Even though the context is totally convoluted and weird, Danny makes a valid point about how she was taking advantage of the situation and should apologize to them.  Michelle, as always, refuses to make any growth as a human being and chooses not to apologize.  No wonder she doesn’t have a best friend.  The kids a fucking asshole.

Jesse, Joey and Roxy come home and Stephanie compliments Joey and Roxy’s repartee on the show, then she says that Jesse should have been there, implying that she didn’t notice that he was.  Joey and Roxy apologize to Jesse for dominating the show but Jesse tells them that he doesn’t mind and that the bottom line is that it made for good radio, which is the first mature response he’s ever had in any situation.  Joey takes his positive response as a go-ahead to invite Roxy back on the show the next day, which Jesse agrees to even though he’s is clearly bothered by it (which immediately nullifies his supposedly mature response).

Jesse is left alone in the kitchen and then Michelle comes in and asks him what to do when your friends exclude you.  Jesse points out how convenient it is that their two storylines have such obvious parallels and then he tells her to make new friends, which is blatantly terrible advice.  Becky comes in and Jesse convinces her to do a guest spot on his radio show so he wont feel left out by Joey and Roxy.  Becky agrees since she doesn’t mind being used like this because she’s just totally given up on everything.

Steve returns the last of his stuff to DJ and they both seem pretty chipper about it.  Man, their amicable breakup is just as boring as their sexless relationship was.  Michelle comes in and asks DJ if she can trace her for her stupid project because she’s her best sister.  DJ is touched but then Michelle clarifies that she’s only asking her as a last resort because Stephanie said no.  DJ then refuses because Michelle is a raging asshole who can’t even feign tact out of desperation.

The uncles appear on the radio with their hoes in tow.  Joey introduces Roxy and then they share a disgusting smooch, which might be even grosser if you were listening to their radio show and just had to hear it instead of watching it.  I don’t know why but the idea of just the sound of it alone is extra gross to me.

Jesse introduces Becky and forces a big showy smooch on her while making eyes at Joey, which seems to suggest that Jesse feels threatened by Roxy on a sexual level, not just as radio competition.  Joey and Roxy start exchanging corny jokes again and then Jesse tries to interject by sharing stories with Becky about their dumb ass kids.  Becky realizes that even people who are dumb enough to listen to Jesse and Joey on the radio don’t want to hear about her stupid boring kids and starts joining in on Joey and Roxy’s riffing.  Jesse tries to redirect the conversation back to their kids, claiming that they say the darnedest things, like, “mahbodesbloken.”  Becky points out that Jesse keeps trying to redirect the conversation and isn’t really participating in what everyone else wants to talk about and then he sits back in his chair and pouts.

Joey cuts the show to a commercial and then asks Jesse why he’s being all competitive.  Jesse tries to avoid any sort of productive discourse but then Becky calls him out on being a big fucking baby and acting upset about a bunch of stuff that Joey and Roxy tried to talk to him about already.  Jesse says that he feels rejected and ignored and then everyone hugs him and says, “aww” and then Jesse says that it feels nice to know that his friends care about him.  They never address the real issue, which is that none of this would be a problem if Jesse wasn’t so shitty at his job that he can’t keep up with the guests, but at least the storyline is over.

Danny comes back to Michelle’s class to see how the projects came out, which seems awfully convenient (it was supposed to be parent volunteer day, not parent volunteer several days), and then Teddy and Denise present their posters of each other and talk about how great one another are, which makes Michelle sad.

Michelle presents her best friend poster, which is of Comet because he’s the only one that can stand her (probably because he doesn’t speak english).  All the kids laugh at Michelle for being so shitty and lame that only a dog would be her friend and then she starts arguing with Teddy and Denise.  The teacher intervenes way later than she should have and then Danny cuts in so he can bust out one of his very special talks.  He tells the three of them that they can have more than one best friend even though he was the one that gave them the assignment that required that they only pick one.  He talks about how he and Joey and Jesse are all best friends and his long rambling speech made me feel bad for all of the other kids in the class who are just there to learn but are forced to hear about Michelle’s stupid shitty family, but then I noticed that one of the kids in the background was totally digging in her nose, which lifted my spirits.

Anyway, Michelle, Denise and Teddy all agree to be best friends.  Yeah, that’s it.

Post Script:  Carolyn Main’s Full House painting did pretty well last week so now she’s selling another one.  She’s thinking of doing one every week and if you’d like to follow this project and maybe buy some of those lovely painting you should like her facebook page.

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146 Responses to Season 7, Episode 21, “Be Your Own Best Friend”

  1. KickYourFace says:

    I’ve always thought the drawing of Joey looks just like Michael Myers.

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  2. Christian says:

    Gotta love the moments where the whole world stops while Michelle learns a lesson that isn’t relevant to anyone else.

    And bless you for getting pics of the nose picker! I remember this episode from when I was a kid but I never noticed that.

    Like

  3. lovetolaugh says:

    Billy, I cannot believe how amazingly dedicated you are to this project and to providing entertainment for us. Every time it’s a big holiday week, I wonder if the review is going to be up on Saturday or Sunday instead, since you have family and friends to spend time and a life of your own that doesn’t revolve around this shitty show. But, to my utter joy, a new post has been up every single Friday for the past, what, three years or so? That’s incredible work ethic right there. I can’t imagine that it’s been easy, so seriously, thank you very much.

    This is one of your funniest reviews yet, which is actually surprising because this isn’t even that remarkable of an episode. But boy did I get a lot of laughs out of this one.

    DJ clarifies that he is saying that his bread is broken because he is eating a bagel and thinks the hole is an accident because he is a really stupid kid (and also because he does not respect Jewish culture).

    As a proud and practicing Jew, I can officially say that it’s now gotten personal, Full House.

    I LOVE the bit about how every character will eventually be referred to in regards to his/her relationship with Michelle.

    Also, this project is total, utter bullshit. First of all, there is nothing like throwing around labels like “best friend” to cause fights and feelings of exclusion between 7-year-olds. What if one of the students was exceedingly shy and didn’t have any friends at all, let alone a best friend? Why not just instruct the students to trace someone who they admire, whether it is a friend or family member or pet or whatever?

    If this project had been assigned to my second-grade class, I would be have been in deep shit. I never had a best friend growing up, and I still really don’t (except my twin sister, who wasn’t in my class past the second grade). Rather, I have always had several relatively close to very close friends. I just hate labels like that because what does “best friend” even mean? The friend you like the most? The one you see the most? For me, the friend(s) I prefer to be with depends on the situation. I have “best friends” for going out partying, “best friends” for intimate conversations…everyone has something to offer 🙂

    You guys….Teddy’s line about how Comet can’t be Michelle’s best friend because “he has too many legs!” used to slay me.

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    • Sarah Portland says:

      I’m the same, LTL. At one time I had two best friends and everybody got butthurt. But for the most part, I have several really good friends. I would have also been screwed over by this lousy project.

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      • Melanie says:

        The best friend dilemma really comes to a head when choosing a Best Man/Maid of Honor, I hear. But after childhood, it really does die down a bit.

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    • Bridget says:

      LTL, I wonder how the bagel skit got approval from Bob Saget because he’s Jewish as well! Russell, one of Michelle’s friends is also Jewish because he was at Hebrew school. DJ could have used this opportunity to say that different cultures and creeds have foods that may seem unusual but we have to respect the differences! As for Billy, he has a good work ethic because he is the antiJesse. I think Danny should have had the kids draw a picture of their hero or heroine and say why they admire that person. As for Comet, Buddy is our family BFF even though he is a golden retriever. You can have a falling out with a human friend or friends, but your dog doesn’t care if you’re awful or something! My family isn’t bad and even Hitler had dogs he loved and they didn’t care that he was a monstrous dictator!

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      • lovetolaugh says:

        Russell, one of Michelle’s friends is also Jewish because he was at Hebrew school

        Good call, Bridget, I remember Michelle delivering this line! She was listing all of her friends and where they were at the time. I believe she also mentioned that Derek was at dance class. This show is NOT stereotypical at all. 😉

        Billy totally is the anti-Jesse!

        By the way, I love the shortening of my name to LTL. Anyone, please feel free to do that from now on! I always felt kind of bad because my posting name takes a little longer to write out than most of the other names on here. 🙂

        Hope everyone had a nice holiday btw!

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      • Sarah Portland says:

        My cat holds grudges, Bridget. Long, long grudges. He had a falling out with one of my roommates months ago, and the roommate complains that my cat won’t let him pet him. That’s what the roomie gets for not treaty Bratty like the god he is! 😀

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      • Bridget says:

        Sarah, how about calling Jackson Galaxy from that show “My Cat from Hell” to smooth over the rivalry? I am sure your cat is very nice, but if your friend disrespected him, I don’t blame the cat for being a butthead!

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      • Sarah Portland says:

        I think he totally dissed him. Roomie grew up with dogs and has only recently become a crazy cat lady (we explained to him that only one gender can follow crazy cat…). He doesn’t know how to act around them. My other kitty Imi held grudges against guys. She only liked me, but she really, REALLY hated guys.

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      • Bridget says:

        Cats are weird! I say this affectionately, of course. Morris our late cat was a regular Peeping Tom cat who would watch our neighbors through their windows. I wonder if he saw any X-rated bedroom doings? Cats can’t talk, so he couldn’t tell us! Natalie another cat loved me very much and Jeff my brother is nuts about his cat Koontz.

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      • Angela says:

        Cats ARE strange creatures. Ours prefers to lay in wicker baskets or on top of magazines or an open spot of a shelf instead of in a nice basket with a blanket that my mom made up for her.

        And lately she’s been doing this thing where she moves her water dish away from her food dish. We’re not entirely sure why. It sits in the middle of the kitchen floor and I’m certain I’m going to accidentally step in the water dish one of these days.

        But strange as she is, she’s also very entertaining and adorable and sweet :).

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      • Bridget says:

        My mom and I were at my brother Jeff’s house while he was at work. I cleaned the kitchen while she went to make his bed. She was going to straighten out his comforter when she saw a small pair of hairy dark legs peaking out from under the covers and she cried, “Oh, Koontz!”. Koontz became scared when mom visited after that! I told Jeff the word koontz is Yiddish for trick.

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      • Sarah Portland says:

        Because I like the Jewish community, I enjoyed a bagel with my FHR this morning. 😀

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      • lovetolaugh says:

        Sounds delicious! 🙂

        I almost always eat breakfast while reading a new FHR. It makes the experience that much more enjoyable…although it does nearly make me choke sometimes!

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      • Sarah Portland says:

        These are the risks one takes to enjoy FHR. But now I find myself eating garlic hummus and pita… and I can hear the Jaws theme in my head. Billy should include a disclaimer: “WARNING: Your monitor is a splash-zone, and this blog may lead to choking.” Best not choke to death while reading FHR. You’ll end up under the cement slab.

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      • lovetolaugh says:

        This comment was the highlight of my whole day, Sarah.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Sarah and LTL, did either of you see “Mermaids” with Winona Ryder and Cher? I remember Cher was a free spirited non-practicing Jewish mom who made hors d’oevres instead of full meals for her daughters Kate and Charlotte to eat. She even chopped up bagels and turned them into finger sandwiches. I remember Charlotte kneeling down in front of her little religious figures and crossing herself. Rachel, Cher’s character deadpanned, “Charlotte, we’re Jewish.”. Rachel’s parents ran a kosher bakery and when she ran away, she stood in the business and ate a ham sandwich!

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      • lovetolaugh says:

        Yes, Bridget, I did see Mermaids! It was years ago, and I only vaguely remember it.

        Doesn’t Winona Rider’s character have sex with some guy on a roof?

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      • Bridget says:

        LTL, I think she almost did if I remember correctly and that was when Kate almost drowned and had to be sent to the hospital! I thought the nuns the Charlotte and her family lived next door to were very nice and gracious even when Rachel said the feet of women swell when they get married and pregnant. That was when they were buying shoes. I work at a Wisconsin wal-mart and it is hot in there! I saw a nun in the traditional black robe and habit and I wondered if she was roasting in her outfit! Does she think pure thoughts every second of the day, I wonder? I think if she likes being a Bride of JC, so be it.

        Like

    • Jenn says:

      I wondered why it needed to be a best friend as well! Wouldn’t it make more sense to have the children trace the kid next to them? And do the activity during class, so there would actually be a need for Danny to be there to help?

      I mean, where would these kids get that long sheet of paper to trace on anyway? If they got it at school, I’d guarantee that at least half of them would be destroyed on the bus before the kids got home to use it. You can’t trust 7 year olds with anything!

      Like

    • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

      I’m all for the LTL! Total call on the BFF label in grade school. It’s a super inappropriate project. What if the kids have best/good friends in other classes or if it’s a family member? Is this allowed?

      Sheer Bridget Brilliance on: “As for Billy, he has a good work ethic because he is the antiJesse.”

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Thank you! I think a better topic would have been if the kids interviewed their grandparents and ask them what toys they played with as kids, what kinds of people they saw as heroes when they were young, and how they felt being apart of past history! If not a grandparent, interview a resident of a nursing home who doesn’t have Alzheimer’s or even a granparent’s sibling!

        Like

    • Angela says:

      Amen to your rant about the “best friend” project. I too was one of those incredibly shy kids in school who kept to herself a lot and who didn’t really have a lot of friends (didn’t get a good group of friends until middle school, actually), so yeah, this project would’ve sucked for me, too.

      I personally view “best friends” as ones that I enjoy hanging out with on a regular basis, the kind I can tell anything to, the ones who would be present at the most important moments in my life, and vice versa. But you make a great point regardless-all the friends a person has are different and will all bring something of worth to the table.

      Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Those are definitely the qualities I look for in my closest friends, I completely agree.

        I’m actually ecstatic for one of my best friends, Rachel, because she told me over the phone a few days ago that she’s engaged! She asked me to be in the wedding, which I am honored over. It struck me that despite the fact that we rarely get to see each other, I consider her to be one of my best friends and I think she feels the same. (We went to college together at the University of Maryland, and she now lives in Maryland while I live in Pennsylvania). That really reiterated to me that the qualities people have and your personal feelings toward them are what makes them close friends, not how physically close they are.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Always glad to be in agreement on things with you :).

        Awwww, that’s great news regarding your friend! Congratulations to her. And indeed, even if you can’t always see each other in person, if you can still communicate in some form or another that’s something (and Maryland and Pennsylvania aren’t THAT far apart).

        I reunited with a friend of mine from middle school three years ago-I’d moved away back in 2000 after 9th grade, and we lost touch for 10 years, ’cause we both moved a lot and got sidetracked and all that. Then when I moved back home we met up again and it’s like we never had that 10 year gap. It hit me recently that I’ve known her nearly 20 years now…it’s a really nice to have a lifelong friend like that around.

        A true friendship can survive and handle anything, and it sounds like yours is a great example of that. Hope the wedding goes well when it happens!

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Thank you so much! I hope so too 🙂

        It’s wonderful that you and your friend reunited and were able to pick up right where you left off. 20 years is such a long time to know someone! That’s really special.

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      • Jamie says:

        I thought the same thing about how shitty the project itself was!!! Seriously. I had two best friends in elementary school. That woulda caused some serious shit! What competent teacher would ever assign something like that?! Also, on the topic of cats…i know I’m late to this convo but I have two of my own (Sid and Nancy), and they’re the weirdest little things I’ve ever met. I’m still pretty obsessed with them tho. Crazy Cat Lady to the max.

        Like

  4. Sara Wilson says:

    Fantastic review! I was trying to find something hilarious to quote in my comment and say I loved it, but there was too much. I would have just copy and pasted the entire damn review. lol.
    I always thought that drawing of comet was really cute even when I was little. Yet, I can’t help but feel bad for him. He deserves a better best friend than Michelle. 🙂

    Like

  5. Ryan says:

    Did anyone else see the random ‘no checks cashed’ sign on the desk in the screen cap of all four people in the radio station? What’s up with that?

    And until this episode I didn’t know bagels were Jewish.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      I think they were going for “zany”. “It’s a radio station! We should put random crap everywhere, like at a TGI Fridays! Wheee! Oh, we don’t have the money for that? We do we have? A No Checks Cashed sign? Great, let’s put that up, because it makes no sense. It’s hilarious!”

      Like

    • Melanie says:

      Definitely a lazy holdover from an old set. Isn’t there an episode where they get locked in a mechanic’s shop or something?

      Like

    • DawnieP says:

      I also noticed the sign and thought it was strange. But then I reminded myself that this is Full House and nothing about this show makes sense.

      Like

  6. Oasis says:

    I feel UNBELIEVABLY dumb for not noticing that before….KFLH?
    K-FulLHouse?

    I think Danny bought them a radio station. It would explain SO MUCH…..

    Like

    • Angela says:

      …oh, my god, that DOES make a whole lot of sense.

      That drawing of Joey. Wow. That is just…great.

      Also, again I say, I feel for the people of San Francisco. I really can’t imagine what it’d be like to actively listen to an entire broadcast of Jesse and Joey’s each day. And I can overlook the whole fight between Teddy, Denise, and Michelle, because they’re kids and kids fight over stupid stuff, but the whole thing between Joey and Jesse…seriously, Jesse? I really feel for Becky, what with some of the stuff she has to put up with. If my husband acted like that I’d just look at him and go, “Okay, HOW old are you again? Grow the hell up.”

      Totally never noticed the girl in the background at the end, either! Nice catch :D.

      Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Angela, I agree about feeling sorry for the poor souls who choose to listen to Joey and Jesse on the radio. Why does anyone listen anyway? I have to figure that the music they air on that station must be REALLY good 🙂

        I agree about Jesse acting like a big, gigantic baby in this situation and just, you know, in general. My only defense for him is that, if Joey and Roxy were blatantly discussing topics that Jesse couldn’t contribute to (which I’m not sure if they were, I’ll have to….watch this episode…maybe) on his own radio station, then I can somewhat understand why he would feel ostracized. Everyone should be able to participate in those dialogues, no matter how painfully unfunny they are.

        But even still, he should just told them how he was feeling from the start instead of pouting about it like a toddler.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Good question. Yeah, either the music is worth putting up with their antics, or people are listening out of sheer morbid curiosity to see just how much worse things can get. Like a car wreck you can’t look away from, if you will.

        Indeed, that’s a good point-yeah, if you’re being ignored in a situation of any sort, definitely, you have every right to speak up, and should. But yeah, there’s way better ways to handle such situations. And Jesse is more than old enough, he should be able to handle things like a mature adult by now.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Angela, I agree with you about immature men! I read about a scientist who says nose-pickers eat the proteins and other things mucus provides and they don’t get sick as often. He wanted to use his daughters to test his theory, but his wife said no!

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Eew. For real?

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Oh, yeah, for real! I am studying medical terminology and the skin chapter is very gross and it talks about mucus.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        I can totally see that being legit. Also, you’d be re-ingesting and reintroducing germs to your body. I bet it totally works. Doubt you’d get many takers, though.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Glad to be in agreement :D. And of course, this goes for women, too-lord knows I’ve seen examples of women who could do with some serious lessons in civility and maturity and all that sort of thing.

        Haha, oh, really? Hm. I could buy that as being true-our bodies, when they’re working properly, do find their own ways of combating illnesses and other issues. Not the most enticing of ways to go about avoiding getting sick, though, no…

        Like

      • Jamie says:

        They must listen to it for the same reason Billy watches Full House…to comment on what a fucking trainwreck it is! Same goes to the viewers of Wake Up San Francisco. On second thought, people may have watched that to marvel at Becky’s hot-ness….

        again. i’m so late to these convos. womp 😦

        Like

      • Angela says:

        @Jamie: I’ll definitely go with that theory (and yeah, with “Wake Up, San Francisco” it can be like the people on “The Soup” watching bad TV).

        On second thought, people may have watched that to marvel at Becky’s hot-ness….

        This is another valid reason. Lord knows I’d be more than happy to sit through a crappy TV show or movie if some guy I thought was hot was in it.

        Like

  7. lovetolaugh says:

    Based on the 4th screen cap, it looks like Michelle was conveniently assigned a seat in between her two very best friends. The hell with the other dozen kids in the class who also may want to get to know Denise or Teddy!

    Even Michelle’s teacher works overtime to accommodate her wishes.

    What is it about Michelle, you guys?

    Like

    • Angela says:

      Hahaha, good catch! Maybe she’s got some weird magnetic pull in her head somewhere or something.

      (Also, your question at the end has me thinking about a variation on ‘There’s Something About Mary’, only with it being about Michelle instead, and now I have really odd images in my head.)

      Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Hahahah! That’s a funny movie 🙂

        I distinctly remember that when I watched this show as a young kid, I often mistakenly called it “Michelle.” Not necessarily because she was my favorite character (I’m pretty sure DJ was), but because she so clearly dominated the show that my young mind assumed that that’s what it was called. Lol!

        Like

      • Angela says:

        LMAO, that’s great :D!

        Yeah, I liked DJ, too. I could relate to her ’cause I was the oldest kid in my family, too (though I only had one younger sister to her two), and whenever Michelle or Stephanie were annoying DJ I could totally sympathize with her.

        ‘There’s Something About Mary’ is funny, indeed. I haven’t seen it in quite some time, I should check it out again. Hm.

        Like

      • Lisa says:

        I remember producers and I think Lori Loughlin saying that the show was widely known as “The Michelle Show” in the ’90s. No wonder they tailored every episode to her. Ugh.

        Like

    • SavaFiend says:

      Danny totally bribed the teacher so Michelle could get what she wanted.

      Like

  8. Sarah Portland says:

    Aw, crap. Too much to say, so I’ll just pick my faves for now:
    1) The Booger Miner. Thank you for making flip-book-worthy screencaps of that shit. I kind of hope that kid’s mother was mortified later.
    2) In those same screencaps, Michelle has some major junk in her trunk. How come I never noticed that Baby Got Back?
    3) The shot of Roxy and Joey swapping slimy DNA has them wearing one set of clothing, while the next of them and the Cochran-Katsopoli has them wearing a different set of clothing. WTF?

    Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      Re # 3, great catch on the change in clothing, Sarah P!

      Also, have you ever seen a more forced, awkward looking kiss in your life? Their lips are pursed so tightly!

      Like

    • hebrewersfan says:

      Woah! Didn’t even notice that clothing change, that is crazy!

      Like

    • Sara Wilson says:

      lol. for some reason i was always really uncomfortable with how michelle’s butt stuck out like that. haha

      Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      the joey and roxy clothing swap is actually my fault. that screencap is from the first scene of them at the radio station but i stuck it into the second one because it was more convenient. i usually try not to do stuff like that but it was late and i was drunk.

      also, i think michelle’s butt sticks out like that because she’s wearing a diaper.

      Like

      • Ryan says:

        You aren’t the first person to think the Olsen twins(at least one of them) were wearing diapers while filming the show.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        You all might be right! I think MK and Ashley’s parents were pressured to toilet train them from the producers of the show, that they rushed their daughters to do it! Some kids train slowly because they might be scared and insecure and some jump right into it if they have an older sibling who is trained. I think the girls wore Pull-Ups because diapers would be for babies.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Damn. I figured it was that, but I was really hoping that it was just more FHR sloppiness. BUT – that means that you had to watch Roxy and Joey suck-face twice. I am sorry about that. No wonder you were drunk.

        Like

    • Angela says:

      I don’t know whether to be impressed or sad that you actually paid close enough attention to catch those clothing changes :p.

      Seriously, though, excellent catch.

      Like

    • Pink Dork says:

      Re #2: I immediately wondered if the Olsen twins might still be in diapers! That is the only reason I can think of for so much … erm … padding.
      Re #3: further proof of the shows lack of continuity. Gah!

      Like

    • Bridget says:

      “Are you aware your butt sticks out?”
      —Nelson Muntz to Lisa Simpson on “The Simpsons.”

      Like

  9. QWERTY says:

    In response to the snippet as to why Teddy abruptly returned after moving, Tahj Mowry’s (Teddy) show didn’t premiere until 1997 (about two years after Full House got cancelled).

    Nevertheless, great review! Haha.

    Like

  10. Melanie says:

    First photo, and I already have questions!

    1. That bagel looks surprisingly delicious. I’m honestly shocked. I expected the Tanners to be a “Sara Lee shelf-stable sponge bagel” sort of a family.

    2. Do they ever explain what happened to Twin 1/2’s face? Or are we just to expect that Jesse beats them?

    Okay, and also, can I just say that Michelle has a legit conundrum here? Teddy and Denise are BOTH way too cool to be hanging out with her, and yet here they are, for some reason. I mean, look at Denise! She’s wearing two different colors of Chuck Taylors! DAMN, that’s cool.

    Basically, A+ episode for the inclusion of the two best ancillary characters ever. And also Comet.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      I was excited to see both Teddy and Denise back. I kind of really don’t care that Teddy supposedly moved away, because let’s face it: the girls’ friends are a thousand times more interesting than the girls themselves. They both make my list of Random FH Guest Stars Who Are Better Characters Than Anyone Who Lives in That Stupid House. What I’d like to see now is like a spin-off series, a “Kick-Ass”-type superhero team show. Kimmie Gibbler, Teddy and Denise. They fight bad television. And also Bad Horse.

      Like

  11. Bridget says:

    Billy, Zoe Kravitz the daughter of Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet is the product of two biracial actors and she doesn’t look incredibly black at all! It’s strange to me how some biracial people favor one color over the other melanin wise! Morgan Freeman’s great grandpa was white and he owned Morgan’s great grandma who was black and Morgan is pretty dark-skinned. Halle Berry is pretty light skinned for having a white mom and black father.

    Like

    • TayciBear says:

      I’m half black and half white and I’m medium color. My siblings have different mom s, but are all way darker than me. My husband is white and my oldest tans really easily and we are the same color and my youngest is super white and has red hair and blue eyes. My husband can tan darker than me. Genetics is crazy.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        TayciBear, genetics is pretty strange! Whenever I go to the store, I see a lot of it in parents and their mini-mes! I love the answer Abbie gave her young white charge in “The Help” when he wanted to know why she was black. She said it was because she drank too much coffee! In the book Abbie said her charge was 21 and still never had a cup of coffee! Did you see the Cheerios commercial with the white lady, her black husband and biracial daughter who is cute? I don’t really understand the controversy! I know people and cats are different, but if you breed a white cat and black cat together, you get kittens who are a mixture or they favor one color over the other. The same is true for people as well.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        That Cheerios commercial is adorable! Have you seen the response video to it? Genius!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I’ll look for it!

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Good commercial, although I was expecting a black guy not a black lady on the couch! I am now reading “Gone With the Wind” and I do know better not to call dark-skinned people darkies, negroes, or the word Paula Deen used!

        Like

  12. Smash says:

    Hey it looks like Rebecca Donaldson has some fight left in her after all! She knew she was being used and decided to treat Jesse like the pile of shit that he is for once. There’s comfort in that.

    Like

  13. Dr. Bitz says:

    “I just had the point out that the title of this episode is a euphemism for masturbation.”

    Thus making it my favorite Full House episode ever.

    And yeah, I agree with everyone else. This school project is just looking to hurt kids feelings. Especially since they have to trace their BEST friend, not just A friend.

    “which seems to suggest that Jesse feels threatened by Roxy on a sexual level, not just as radio competition.”

    I don’t think this episode is just suggesting it. It seems pretty blatant to me.

    “Joey would be “the guy that will never move out of Michelle’s house for no clear reason.”

    To be fair, that’s Jermsey as well. I mean, heck, Joey not moving out makes sense since he’s free loading. What the heck is Jermsey’s excuse? He’s got a wife and kids! It’s almost like this show doesn’t make a lot of sense…

    Like

    • Kyle C. Haight says:

      The official explanation as to why Jesse and Rebecca don’t move the fuck out of the full house is because MICHELLE WON’T LET THEM. Seriously. That was the whole point of that post-wedding episode – Jesse was going to move away, but, Michelle put a stop to it.

      I believe that’s also the plot of a not-too distant episode, too…

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Barf. I remember that post-wedding episode very well, and that she talked them into staying, but it plays totally differently when caps lock is involved. Michelle Tanner Controls The Universe. I think I liked it better when it was Andy Richter.

        Like

      • Wilkins says:

        They’re lucky Michelle didn’t send them to the cornfield.

        Like

      • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

        I fully support someone making the username “Michelle Tanner Controls the Universe”

        Like

      • Michelle Tanner Controls the Universe says:

        Hello.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        YAY!

        Like

      • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

        Now my life is complete!

        Like

      • Sara Wilson says:

        “I believe that’s also the plot of a not-too distant episode, too…”
        haha, how crazy is that review going to be?

        Like

      • Oh Mylanta says:

        The plot of just about every episode from here on out is Michelle-centric. Barf.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Man, I stopped watching this show after the Disney World episodes because Michelle had become such a raging bitch. 😛 At least we have Billy’s running commentary. I’d kind of like to hear it run from a podcast over the episode, MST3K-style.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Sarah, I think Lily from “Lily’s Disneyland Surprise” video taped her at Disney for YouTube and she was very cute and gracious! With her angelic features and genuine good little girl behavior, she’s the Anti-Michelle!

        Like

  14. SMS says:

    The class project Michelle did reminded me of the time way back when I was in 2nd grade we had to trace a person (not a best friend though) as a project on human anatomy. I was the victim to be traced horribly and then we would draw and color human organs, bones and whatever else after tracing inside of it.

    These reviews keep getting more hilarious as the episodes keep getting worse and I hope Billy treats himself to a stiff drink, good porn or a scream after watching FH!

    Like

    • Sara Wilson says:

      haha! so i’m curious, how did you and your exposed organs turn out looking in the end?

      Like

      • SMS says:

        If I recall, pretty horrible. Even with cheating by looking at anatomy pictures. Organs in wrong places, ribs looking funny, and I think what was supposed to be veins or arteries looked like little road lines.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        LOL, that’s hilarious :D. I’m hoping none of those kids went on to medical school, though!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Angela, we do eventually learn where the organs go! I remember reading the Baby-Sitter’s Club book called “Hello, Mallory” and she drew the human digestive system as one of the tests that little despot Kristy had her draw. Kristy’s reasoning was that if Mallory sat for a baby with colic, she should know the parts. I don’t know, if little Johnny has a stomachache, he doesn’t want to know why or how his stomach hurts anatomy-wise or the parts of the organ. He wants his sitter to bring him some kid’s Pepto or something! I can understand a pediatrician being tested on child anatomy, but Mallory wasn’t going to be a doctor! She drew the digestive system the best she could, but missed a lot of organs. Mallory said she would give a colicky baby soy formula, but the girls thought she said soy sauce. Claudia, the token Asian airhead called it the divestive system and Mallory corrected her.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Awww, I kind of miss Babysitter’s Club 😦 My friend and I tried to start one. I wonder how many other girls did, too…

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Sarah, have you ever read the Baby-Sitters Club Snark page? Maybe you have, but I forgot! I think the snarker and Billy are both very funny and that makes them both the anti-Joey Gladstone!

        Like

      • Angela says:

        True, that we do!

        Oh, god, I remember that “Hello, Mallory!” book. But I only vaguely remember the whole thing with drawing the organs and the digestive system, though Claudia calling it the “divestive system” does ring a bell.

        @Sarah: I wanted to start one of those clubs up when I was a kid, but it never panned out. I sure did love that series, though…

        Like

  15. FHRFan says:

    My week was all thrown off and I just realized it’s Friday! The kid talking Elvish was the best part of this one…I also remember totally wanting the Princess Jasmine pencil case Denise was waving around.

    Like

  16. Oh Mylanta says:

    How sheltered are those twins to the point that they don’t even know what a fucking bagel is? I suppose the next pre-credits gag will be centered around them thinking donuts are broken cake.

    Like

  17. FHRFan says:

    Surprised no one noticed the Band Aid the one kid had in the screen cap. Jesse’s negligent parenting is evident.

    Like

  18. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    100% love this review. Perfection.

    I felt conflicted siding with Michelle. At first I see her true nature as a total asshole, then feel sympathetic because Denise and Teddy turn the tables on her after offering their cool shit like candy and out-of-date ties. But you better believe once Michelle set her sights on the Princess Jasmine pencil case all bets were off. (Another convenient interjection of Aladdin).

    The good news is after Danny shared his self-absorbed view of the situation he himself created, Michelle became the detestable little shit I’m comfortable with her being.

    Thanks for the July 5th review, hope everyone had a fun and safe Independence Day!

    Like

  19. Ella Stern says:

    I hate how Michelle’s shirt is always tucked into her pants. Was that some stupid ’90’s style or something? Which ever costume designer authorized this should be dragged out into the street and shot…!!

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Could be a bodysuit. I remember those being really popular in the mid to late 90’s. I had a white one patterned with black Mickey Mouse silhouettes.

      Like

      • Corey says:

        Yup, bodysuits and tucked-in shirts were huge! I’m the same age as MK&A, and they actually wear some clothes that I had. *shudder*

        Like

      • Sara Wilson says:

        Same here, Corey! I’m a whole 12 days older than them. We wore very similar styles!

        Like

  20. Grant Spatchcock says:

    I can’t wait for next week’s review of Michelle’s House.

    Like

  21. Vee Langs says:

    Anyone else notice how detailed the KFLH radio booth is? What with the I love KFLH sticker and all.

    I have to ask though, why would a “No Checks Cashed” plaque be necessary on a DJ booth? Are a lot of people coming to the on-air booth to get their checks cashed? Seems like an inconvenient place to get your check cashed…

    Like

  22. SaCha1689 says:

    I remember this episode drove me crazy because the solution was simple: Michelle traces Denise, Denise traces Teddy, Teddy traces Michelle. Problem solved. But that would make too much sense for an episode of Full House.

    I seem to remember a film called “To Grandmother’s House We Go” in which the Olson twins played insufferably bratty sisters (so basically they were playing Michelle) who run away from home to spend Christmas at their grandma’s. There’s a scene where they get ice cream sundaes at a restaurant and, in typical Michelle fashion, proceed to whine. “Hey, she has more whipped cream!” “Hey, she has mord nuts!” And the man that’s looking after them doesn’t tell them to suck it up and eat their ice cream, oh no. He sticks his fingers into their sundaes and eats small portions to even them up. (Cue my 5-year-old self saying to the screen, “They could have traded!”)

    Was there a running theme of adults behaving ridiculously while acting alongside the Olson twins? I wouldn’t be surprised if that was in their contract. Scripts would have had to be altered so all films involved adults bending over backwards to accommodate them.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      SaCha 1689, I remember the Olsen twins wanted to work with Tracey Ullman but she said no because they looked like monkeys! I always thought “The Tracey Ullman Show” was funnier than FH! Maybe she thought it was beneath her to work with them! I saw “To Grandmother’s House We Go” and I thought they could have traded ice creams as well! I think Michelle should have said, “I have two best friends and they mean the world to me! Daddy, you should have taught us how to remove ink spots because you’re the best cleaner there is!”

      Like

  23. Carolyn Main says:

    Hi Bay Area Tanners! I’m new here, I been reading through this over the last few months, and I’m at season 5. So being all the way up here is like time traveling. But I wanted to say hi.
    That picture of Michelle with her comet drawing is sooooo Forever Alone. Evil Cackle.
    Thanks for looking at my paintings! And future paintings will just be linked to in the comments, by me, so as not to disrupt Mr. Superstar’s flow. (and listed on Ebay under “Full House Painting, and linked from that Facebook site.)
    ~C

    Like

  24. Grayson says:

    After discovering this blog a week or so ago I started reading it from the beginning and now I’m caught up. This, sir, is one of the most goddamn entertaining things I’ve ever had the fortune of stumbling onto. Admittedly I did like Full House a lot when I was younger (I’m a sucker for all things cheesy) but there were some things I just couldn’t stand about it (read: Michelle and Joey). Reading FHR is like seeing all the gripes I ever had about the show and then some come to life in snarktacular fashion. I don’t know how I’m going to survive waiting a week for the next entry, but I can’t wait for it. Thanks for sacrificing your time and brain cells to watch through the entire show and write about it for all of us. Anyone who doesn’t see how much work that is is a real asshole parthenon. 😛 Keep ’em coming my good sir, I can’t wait until you get to Season 8!

    Like

  25. Yeah, that tracing-your-best-friend project seems like something they would have just completed right there in class.

    I kind of wanted to see Danny get traced because he’s so tall. Maybe the kids could have teased him cruelly for being too big for the paper. That would make me happy.

    Like

  26. Angela says:

    Ahahahaha, I like the way you think :D. That would’ve been very entertaining to see.

    Like

  27. kflutist13 says:

    Look, you’ve got one, MAYBE two good, actually valid points here. But for the most part, I think you’re just trying to seem cool like the TV/movie critics on TV that just trash everything. I think that you’re picking at things that don’t need to be picked at and don’t deserve it. I think you’re just a big bully.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Hello, welcome to FHR. Here are a few rules for the page:
      1) Don’t talk shit about Billy Superstar. Many avid readers of this page have been dragged through the mud in their private lives, have dealt with depression, un/under-employment, and various other things that will get a person down. These weekly reviews are sometimes the only laugh we get during the week, and Billy provides them free of charge. All he asks is that we click on the ads to help him out with the cost of running this blog.
      2) Don’t fuck with Bridget, our beloved Tangential Comment Queen.
      3) Trolls will be fed Turkey In A Boot.
      Have a nice day.

      Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      i totally understand if this site seems jerky to you. it’s certainly not for everyone, and i understand that. however, i don’t think that i seem cool at all when i write this. it’s a pretty nerdy hobby. also, by definition, a bully is someone who picks on someone who is weaker than them. everyone who worked on full house made a whole lot of money and the series was a pop-culture phenomenon. i would honestly be amazed if one person who was involved with the show has ever bothered to look at this blog, and if they have i doubt they gave a shit about what i think. you can call me an asshole all day long but i am hardly a bully.

      Like

    • Pink Dork says:

      Movie critics…? On TV? What decade are you living in? They’ve all died out, dude.

      Like

  28. songbird says:

    This blog is one of the best things I’ve ever read. I caught up a few weeks ago but haven’t gotten round to commenting til now, so greetings from Scotland!

    Fantastic review Billy, you’re always entertaining. I’m sad you skipped my favourite part of the episode though! Denise is AMAZING, she’s arguably my favourite character – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQLy-yhzrOI

    Like

  29. Biscuit says:

    I’m a new reader to this website, and I finally caught up. This website is hilarious.

    P.S. mahbodesbloken

    Like

  30. Jamie says:

    Billy, seriously? You’re my favorite person ever. I loved Full House growing up, and shamefully, still laugh sometimes at the show. There, I said it. But I also love reading, writing, and trashing on stupid shit, in a somehow-still-eloquant way…. what i’m trying to say is that I love you. ❤

    Like

  31. Bridget says:

    Billy, another euphemism for masturbation could be when Joey said, “I’m gonna go play with Mr. Woodchuck” on an episode of season 8.

    Like

  32. Bri says:

    “Danny would be “Michelle’s dad,” Jesse would be “Michelle’s Uncle,” DJ “Michelle’s oldest sister,” Stephanie “Michelle’s stupid ugly sister” and Joey would be “the guy that will never move out of Michelle’s house for no clear reason.””

    Fucking brilliant. This episode especially highlights how it’s all about her, as two kids actually fight over being her best friend… makes no fucking sense, though, how they both wanna be her best friend and are competing with each other, but then they decide not to be her friend and to be friends with each other instead. Wtf?

    Danny’s drawing of Joey. Oh. My. God. That is amazingly accurate.

    “Between Roxy, the radio station and Teddy coming back, it’s like the show is suddenly trying to make up for years of dropped continuity all at once.”

    DO YOU STILL MISS BUBBA AS MUCH AS I DO??

    The project assigned to Michelle’s class is the least thought-through thing ever, and Jesse’s problem with Joey and Roxy makes no sense. Plus you throw in Stephanie’s thing, and it makes me wonder if this was really the most slapped-together episode of Full House ever. No part of this episode makes any sense.

    Like

  33. Teebore says:

    She hasn’t been cute for like 5 years and there’s not a person in America who would give a shit if she got Judy Winslowed.

    Ha! I’m frankly amazed she never was…

    Danny tells them that they’re going to do a life-sized tracing of their best friend

    I love that the impetus for the episode’s plot is Danny suggesting a school project seemingly designed to sow discourse amongst friends.

    Anyway, Teddy and Denise leave to go be best friends without Michelle and they abandon her to sit by herself

    Thus completing Danny’s diabolical plot.

    Stephanie continues to campaign for an extended curfew but Danny just points out that she doesn’t need it because she doesn’t even have any friends to hang out with.

    I was just thinking the same thing. At least DJ had Steve to go not have sex with for awhile there.

    Becky agrees since she doesn’t mind being used like this because she’s just totally given up on everything.

    And what in the world would she be talking about? How is she even a worthwhile guest?

    All the kids laugh at Michelle for being so shitty and lame that only a dog would be her friend

    Frankly, I think the kids should be impressed she was able to get her dog to lie still long enough to be traced…

    Like

  34. Bekah says:

    Ahhhh I saw the end of this episode a few weeks ago. This is the first review I’ve skipped through, because I just can’t take hearing about this one again.

    Like

  35. BC says:

    The girl digging in her nose is everything.

    Like

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