Season 7, Episode 22, “A Date with Fate”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse helps the twins make plaster impressions of their hand prints to give to Becky on Mother’s Day.  Joey makes one for his mom, too, because he’s a pathetic human being.

Everyone sits and watches Michelle ask her Magic Cue-Ball what the future will bring.  It’s the same thing as a Magic 8-Ball but it’s a cue-ball instead for some reason.  I’m not even criticizing this choice, I’m just baffled by it… Is the Magic 8-Ball copyrighted or something?  Anyway, Stephanie comes downstairs while talking to Becky about a date that she’s about to go on and then Michelle makes a remark about how Stephanie has a date and DJ’s staying home, which is pretty fucking insensitive considering that DJ just had a break-up.  On that note, Kimmie Gibbler rushes into the full house and tells DJ that Steve has a date with some hoe, which urges DJ to find a date of her own right away.  Stephanie says that her date’s cousin is coming into town next week and she could probably set them up and then, when DJ asks what he looks like, Stephanie tells him, “Well, I’ve only seen a picture, but he’s cute.  Then again, everyone’s cute sitting on Santa’s lap.”  So… I guess the implication there is that it was a really old picture?  Or was the picture capturing some sort of bizarre act of deviancy?

Becky has a moment alone with Danny and touches upon the fact that he’s been totally sad and pathetic since he and Vicky broke up and the only cure for his melancholy would be some hot fucking.  She mentions a camerawoman who works at the station who totally wants to bang him and urges Danny to call her up and hit that shit.  Danny ignores the tried and true saying that you should never dip your pen in the company ink and focuses instead on the fact that she’s only 25, which might actually be an even bigger problem considering that Danny’s in his mid-30’s.  Becky’s like, seriously, Danny, you’re a fucking sad sack, just call her up, and then he gives in and agrees.  Leave it to middle-aged men to always heed the beck and call of too-young poontang.

Jesse tries to teach the twins to sing a song for Becky on Mother’s day, with the “help” of Joey, who sings the twins’ part while doing that little baby voice that I hate so much.  All the twins have to do is say, “today is Mother’s Day” when Jesse points at them but they’re completely incapable of doing it.  At least in this case their inability to deliver lines on cue is incorporated into the storyline.  Very metatextual.  Jesse lays out this big plan he has to make Mother’s Day special for Becky, which has to be the most effort he’s ever put into anything in his whole marriage, if not his entire life, but then the twins threaten to fuck it up by refusing to sing one very simple line of a song.

DJ and Danny both get all sexed up for their big dates.  There’s no mention of how Stephanie’s date went the other night, presumably because nobody gives a shit.

DJ’s date, Roger, shows up and he’s like 45 years old.  Danny does a little bit of a screening interview and asks him how old he is and Roger says that he’s 20, which is just preposterous.  I guess that this is around the time that 90210 was on the air so middle-aged actors playing characters half their age was in vogue.

Danny shows some discomfort over DJ’s date being so much older than her (this is assuming that it’s believable that he’s 20) but she points out that she’s 17 so technically they’re within the boundaries of consent and it wouldn’t count as statutory rape if they did the nasty.

DJ and Roger go to “Cafe 80’s” and he talks about his mustache while the Culture Club plays in the background.  DJ seems bored by Roger having nothing else to talk about besides his facial hair, which is pretty silly considering that being in college and having a mustache makes him about as complex as any other character on this show.

Danny comes in with his date, Leona, and immediately goes to say hi to DJ.  She asks why they’re there instead of the French restaurant they were planning on going to and Danny explains that it both prevents them from having to build a second set and furthers the plot if they all end up in the same place.  Actually, I’m amazed that they didn’t all just go to the Smash Club.  Anyway, Leona is intrigued by Roger’s mustache so they all decide to sit together.

DJ is greeted by a kid named Arthur who works in the cafe.  Apparently he’s in one of her classes and he meekly chats with her before excusing himself.  Meanwhile, Roger and Leona pop raging boners for each other and get up and leave together without even saying goodbye to DJ and Danny.  Their segue to get up and ditch their dates is that they’re going to go “check out the lobster tank” which is probably some sort of really disgusting euphemism.

It’s interesting that Leona would just cut out on Danny like that because Becky was so adamant about her being all desperate for his wang.  That was like the entire pretense of the date.  It’s also remarkable that Leona was stated as being 5 years older than Roger but I guess it’s not that big of a deal, both because it’s an acceptable age difference and because Roger is clearly like 45.

DJ and Danny sit together and lament their lameness after being ditched.  Just then, Steve shows up with his date and they all have a brief chat that clarifies that Steve’s date is an idiot and he’s not really into her, then they walk off.  I’m not really sure what the point of that was…  It would make sense for there to be a moment in the story where DJ feels upset that Steve is dating because her date sucked, but it’s immediately nullified by Steve’s date also being crappy.  It’s a moment that sort of cancels itself out.  I guess they’re just trying to cook up excuses to have Steve show up on screen from time to time because he was contracted for a full Season.

Arthur swaggers back over and says that his shift is over and then he invites DJ to a party.  DJ says that she has to stick around out of pity for her pathetic, lonely dad but then Danny insists that she goes. After DJ and Arthur leave, Danny sits there feeling sorry for himself until an older woman complains about how dirty her table is, which triggers his obsessive compulsive cleaning habit. After he wipes her table off, she tells him to sit with her and asks why he’s feeling so sorry for himself.  He says that he just got ditched after being on a date where he thought that he was guaranteed to get his dick wet and then the woman’s hot daughter shows up, recognizes Danny from his terrible morning show, and says that she’s always wanted to bang him.

Meanwhile, back at the full house, Jesse starts grinding his boner all over Becky and then he tells her that he’s got Joey watching the twins so they can bump uglies in peace.  Right as he’s about to whip it out, Joey comes upstairs with the twins and says that they insisted on coming upstairs and giving Becky her Mother’s Day gifts a day early.  Seriously?  Not only does he completely fail to allow them some privacy so they can do the nasty, but he also encourages the twins to fuck up Jesse’s whole plan.  I think that Joey must be doing this on purpose for some reason.  Was he really that incapable of keeping the twins busy for the 3 minutes that it would have taken Jesse to not even try to pleasure his wife?

Joey is carrying a tray of donuts that’s supposed to represent the breakfast that they were going to make in the morning.  Jesse starts to get all bent out of shape about the impromptu rendition of his Mother’s Day plan and tries to put a stop to it but then the twins start pulling out the gifts that they made.  Jesse grows increasingly perturbed as the one time that he’s made any effort to be a good husband or father is ruined for him and then the twins mutter some gibberish that apparently insists that they sing the Mother’s Day song now.  They start chanting that they want to sing it now and Joey chimes in, which makes me hate him more than ever.  Why is he so dedicated towards encouraging the twins to fuck up Jesse’s plan?  I know that this is saying a lot but I think that this is the most annoying thing he’s ever done.

Jesse gives in and prompts to twins to plod though their pathetic shambles of a song, which is the best that they could do, and then Jesse says that his whole plan is ruined and starts pouting.  Way to make it all about you, Jesse.  The music comes on as Becky says that it doesn’t matter that his plan didn’t go perfectly because she already accepted being married to an enormous fuck-up and having two really stupid kids a long time ago so it’s not like she expected anything anyway.  And besides, the whole purpose of their marriage is for her to constantly accommodate her selfish, worthless trophy husband, which she gets to do right now by putting his feelings before her own during her Mother’s Day celebration.  Everybody huddles together on the floor, hugging and smooching for way too long and then Joey starts making sad puppy dog noises so they all hug him, too.

I hate Joey so much, you guys.  You’ll never understand how much.  I’ve written like 150 of these reviews and most of them make some effort to express how much I hate Joey but all of those statements combined don’t even come close.

DJ’s ugly sisters spy on her as she makes out with Arthur on the porch.  Dang, DJ, that went way faster than I thought it would.  I assumed that she wouldn’t make out before like the 10th date.  Anyway, Arthur goes home and then DJ starts to worry about what happened to Danny but then he comes home and tells them that the daughter of the older woman that he met at Cafe 80’s totally sucked him off.