Season 7, Episode 23, “Too Little Richard Too Late”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Joey tries to show the twins how to use safety scissors and they’re immediately more capable of using them than he is.  Is it me or has Joey gotten extra worthless lately?  I mean, he’s always been cartoonishly incompetent, but in recent episodes he’s been shown as being intellectually on par with the twins, who can’t even form complete sentences, and now they seem to be surpassing him.  If I wasn’t harboring such deep hatred for him I’d be experiencing pity.

Michelle comes home with Danny and she’s hella muthafuckin pissed because her art class has been discontinued.  Danny tells her that there isn’t enough money in the school’s budget and art is always the first thing to go, which is a surprisingly clear and adult explanation.

Don’t things like this usually happen between semesters, though?  This episode is towards the end of the Season so it’s not like this could be happening at the beginning or middle of the school year.  Although art classes do get cut all the time due to budgetary constraints, it’s not like they just abruptly end one day.  Anyway, whatever, it’s not like it matters because Michelle wants the art class to come back so there’s no way that it’s not going to become everyone’s mission in life to make it happen.  Making sure that Michelle gets whatever she wants is all this show is even about anymore.

Michelle goes upstairs to sulk and Joey starts ranting about how much dick it sucks that her art class was discontinued so Danny convinces him to come to that evening’s PTA meeting.

Meanwhile, Jesse surprises the girls with tickets to the Little Richard concert.  It’s quickly clarified that they don’t really know much about Little Richard, which isn’t surprising, both because of the era and because why the fuck would Jesse care whether or not they wanted to see that concert before deciding to drag them to it?  It does seem odd that an episode that guest stars Little Richard (*spoiler alert* Little Richard shows up later) would emphasize the fact that most kids at that time didn’t really know who he was, or even care.  Anyway, while Jesse is momentarily distracted by doing a really half-assed job of fixing Michelle’s dresser, the twins sneak into the room and steal the tickets.  It’s weird how they seem to be this increasingly mischievous presence in the full house.  It’s almost like they’re supposed to have personalities or something.  Also, I can’t really feel sorry for Jesse here because this incident could have been easily avoided if anyone had been supervising those kids.  There used to be a lot of weird jokes in the early episodes where Michelle was doing shit like this because nobody was watching her, too.  I didn’t like it then and I like it even less now.  Unsupervised children are not cause for hilarity.  They are cause for concern.  What if they fell down the stairs or something?  How funny would that be?  I mean, I’d think it was pretty funny, but how funny would it be to the people who live in the full house, or to the audience, who incomprehensibly don’t hate them?

At the PTA meeting, Joey and Danny are greeted by Marcia Wallace, who makes a return appearance as the neighbor who always sexually harasses Joey.  Apparently she’s also the head of the PTA, a position that’s up for reelection but has no other candidates.  The PTA has nothing else to discuss besides baked goods so Danny mentions that it fucking sucks dick that his ugly daughter’s art class lost its funding but then Marcia Wallace explains that school budgets are not a matter for the PTA, which is a surprisingly clear and adult explanation.  As a matter of fact, I think that’s the first valid and accurate point in the entire series.

Danny reacts to this valid and accurate point the only way he knows how: by completely ignoring it.  He stammers through a bunch of gripes about how shitty it is that there’s no art class and then Joey gets up and starts making his own case for art classes.  As if it weren’t disturbing enough that Joey’s actually trying to make a worthwhile contribution to society, Marcia Wallace is totally staring at his ass the whole time.

That’s not even an out-of-context screencap.  She’s totally fixed on his ass while he’s speaking and it’s supposed to be funny.  I had to go and lay down for a little while because of it.

So, anyway, Joey does his best rendition of an impassioned speech about the importance of art, which of course ends with a terrible impression of Daffy Duck and him spitting all over some poor parent’s head.  Everyone applauds Joey’s shitty speech because everyone in the full house is always rewarded for bothering a bunch of unsuspecting strangers every time they go out into the world, then Danny suggests that Joey runs for PTA president and everyone else agrees that it’s a good idea.

Jesse looks around for his Little Richard tickets before discovering that the twins have cut them up and made them into a collage.  Again, I can’t help but point out that even the most moderate amount of supervision could have easily prevented this from happening.

Joey comes home and laments the fact that Marcia Wallace has been campaigning for PTA president all over the place.  Michelle comes in with Denise and Derek and they’re all totally covered in pro-Marcia Wallace propaganda that she gave them after bribing them with frozen yogurt.

Joey wonders what the fuck he’s gonna do to beat Marcia Wallace and then Kimmie Gibbler suggests that they stage an event with a celebrity guest.  Jesse tells her to shut her stupid fucking mouth, which is all anyone in the full house does anytime Kimmie Gibbler talks anymore, but then Danny realizes that her plan is just far-fetched and self-aggrandizing enough to pursue.  They all wonder who they could get to be the celebrity guest, presumably because the Beach Boys finally realized that their frequent guest-star statuses were totally killing their careers, and Denise suggests that her uncle could do it because he’s always performing music at their family events.  Everyone just ignores Denise and then the doorbell rings and she says that it’s probably her uncle, who’s picking her up that day.  The kids all go to the front door to answer it and it turns out that Denise’s uncle is Little Richard.

Wait… what?  First of all, you really shouldn’t let kids just answer the door with no adults around like that.  There really isn’t a better way to get kidnapped.  It’s almost like unsupervised children are the theme of the episode or something.  But that’s really a small note compared to the much bigger question of, since when is Little Richard Denise’s uncle?  Seriously, that never came up before?  She never mentioned him before ten seconds ago, immediately preceding when he just happened to be picking her up at the full house, which also happens to coincide with them needing a celebrity guest for an event, plus also Jesse just having lost the tickets to his concert?  It’s not like he’s even supposed to be in from out of town or anything, he’s just Denise’s uncle who she apparently sees all the time.

Anyway, Little Richard bestows his flamboyance unto the children for a minute and then Michelle asks him to play “The Itsy, Bitsy Spider” for her, which he immediately agrees to.  He tells her that he needs a piano and she leads him down into the recording studio even though there’s a piano right behind him, next to the front door.

Little Richard walks into the kitchen just as Danny utters his oft-mentioned phrase to Joey, “I’ll toss the salad.”  You know, I’ve always heard that if you go into the bathroom, turn off the lights and repeat that phrase three times, Little Richard will appear.

Little Richard does an incredibly poor lip-synch of “The Itsy, Bitsy Spider” in the basement while everyone in the full house dances around awkwardly.  I wonder how pissed Little Richard was that this was the song that they had him perform?  I guess it’s nothing that a big check and a pile of cocaine couldn’t fix.  After the performance, they ask Little Richard to play at Joey’s stupid benefit and he agrees, probably because he’s high on drugs.

30 minutes after Little Richard was supposed to show up at the benefit, which, surprise, surprise, takes place at the Smash Club, there is still no sign of him.  Danny tries to stall the crowb by stammering like an idiot into the microphone and then Marcia Wallace usurps the stage.  Why is she even allowed to be there?  She claims that a man who can’t provide the entertainment he promised for some stupid event doesn’t have what it takes to be PTA president, which is a pretty far-reaching claim, and also the least of so many reasons why Joey isn’t qualified to be in charge of anything. Danny tries to further stall by calling Jesse and Joey up to the stage and getting them to sing some song with him that I didn’t recognize at all.

So then all of a sudden we’re subjected to one of those impromptu Tanner family talent shows that seems to happen about once a Season.  Why is this a thing?  Stephanie, Michelle and Denise perform a dance routine and it’s a real low point for Stephanie, both because she is once again relegated to performing with the younger kids and because, even though dancing is supposed to be her thing, she totally gets schooled by Denise.

Derek sings “Paper Moon,” which triggered momentary synesthesia for me when it evoked the smell of anal lubricant.  Kimmie Gibbler does an “impression” of a young woman being frisked my Macgyver, which is just her turning around and doing that fake make-out hands on your back thing.  Why Macgyver?  Was he supposed to be a heart throb?

Becky and DJ do an extended cheer for Joey and then Marcia Wallace gets up on stage again and makes another attempt to get Joey to concede.  Joey says that he wont back down and then Little Richard finally appears.  There’s no explanation at all about why he was so late (although it probably goes without saying that he was busy paying people to let him watch them have sex in the back seat of a car) but everyone forgives him when he tells Joey to shut up and get off the stage.  That might actually be the greatest moment in the history of full house.

Little Richard performs “Keep On Knockin'” and the crowd loses their fucking minds.

There’s a bizarre amount of emphasis given to one particular saxophone player, who has a big solo where he runs into the crowd as the camera follows him, plus many more close ups.  I guess he must have been bangin’ someone who made executive decisions.

I always appreciate these extended musical sequences because they take up a lot of time and there isn’t usually much to say about them.  Once it’s over, Little Richard’s like, “peace out, honkeys,” and then he walks offscreen to collect his check.  Even though he struggled for decades with drug addiction and highly publicized sexual promiscuity, I’d still bet that this is the most immoral thing he ever did for money.

Once Little Richard is gone, Marcia Wallace takes the stage yet again and tells everyone that she looked over the rules the night before and discovered that the PTA president has to be the parent of a kid in the school.  Oh really?  Why didn’t she say that shit hours ago if she knew about it all along?

Joey gives some dumb speech about how he does a lot of stuff that parents do and he’s a real parent in his heart.  This is one of those moments that would be really effective if this show was actually about gay parents.  If Joey had to prove his status as a parent to run for PTA president because he was Danny’s gay partner then this speech might actually be quite poignant (it would have to be more well-written, too), but because it’s just about some useless asshole breaking rules for the sake of being granted yet another job he doesn’t deserve then it’s just another insulting moment about privilege and entitlement.

Anyway, everyone is moved by Joey’s speech, including Marcia Wallace, who offers to be co-presidents with him so they can work together to try to get the arts funding back.  Joey accepts and everyone cheers and the Marcia Wallace starts grabbing at Joey’s junk as the Rippers play an outro.

So, wait… the problem about the arts funding is never resolved?  That’s weird.  Not only is it left hanging, but Marcia Wallace’s initial point about the PTA having no control over school funding is no less accurate by the end, so this was really all for nothing.  If they really cared about arts funding so much then why didn’t they have Little Richard perform at some sort of benefit for the arts instead of a campaign party for Joey?  The craziest thing about all of this is that Michelle didn’t end up getting what she wanted.  I mean, things seem to be moving in that direction, but we’ll never see it come to fruition.  Even though it’s just the result of careless storytelling, I find it to be pretty unsettling that the one thing we’ve come to rely on from this show was never realized.

Firsts: a valid and accurate point is made, Michelle doesn’t get everything she wants