Pre-Credits Gag: Jesse plays with the twins in the attic on their outdoor play set. Becky comes up and asks why they’re doing outdoor activities inside and he tells her that they got booted out of the backyard because Danny’s reseeding the grass. Jesse heads downstairs to bitch at Danny but then Becky tells him that he can’t leave the attic because Danny’s waxing the hallways. Defeated, Jesse slides down the slide with the twins.
DJ complains to Joey that he’s been in the bathroom for almost an hour and then AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, man, I sure didn’t need to see that! I’d rather look at a tub filled with dead babies than one with Joey in it. Anyway, DJ complains that she has to take a really enormous shit and really needs Joey to get out of there.
Stephanie walks into her room while Michelle’s practicing the harmonica and asks her to practice in the basement recording studio, which, to be fair, is specifically designed for just that sort of activity. Michelle tells Stephanie to go eat a dick because she can do whatever she wants all the time because she is the queen of the universe.
DJ complains to Danny about Joey hogging the bathroom but Danny assures her that Joey will come out eventually because he’ll need to eat. Suddenly, as if on cue, a pizza man comes out of the bathroom, which prompts the audience to hoot and applaud as if they’ve actually seen something clever. Just as Danny joins DJ’s bid to get Joey to come out of the bathroom, Stephanie runs out into the hallway after having snatched Michelle’s harmonica and Michelle straight up bum rushes her. It’s a surprisingly violent moment.
Danny tells Joey to get out of the bathroom so DJ can take her enormous shit but then Joey points out that he has to share a hallway and bathroom with three little girls and he just wants an hour to himself to beat off in the bathtub without everyone bugging him. I almost felt actual empathy for Joey for a second before I was reminded that the simple solution to this problem would just be for Joey to finally get his own place, for fucks sake. Just then, Jesse barges into the bathroom to sneak a peak at Joey’s sad little manhood and to complain to Danny about the stuff that he was mad about during the pre-credits gag. Jesse’s whole platform is that Danny never checks in with him before doing things in his own house that he owns and that he should really make more of an effort to consult with all of the lazy freeloaders that he supports before making decisions that homeowners are entitled to. Before Danny can tell him to go find his own place to live, for fucks sake, the doorbell rings.
Danny goes downstairs to answer the door as his three horrible daughters, plus Jesse, all bitch and moan at him and then he opens the door, only to discover that there’s nobody there. He tells everyone to back up off his nuts and that they’ll have a house meeting that evening so they can complain in a more structured manner.
After Danny is left alone in the living room, a strange man emerges from the back hallway and makes a remark about how much the house has changed.
For a second I thought that he was supposed to be future Danny and that they were going to do a ghost of Christmas future thing but then it turns out that he’s a rich guy that used to live in the full house when he was a kid. Incidentally, he came in through the back because Kimmie Gibbler let him in. His name is Lou Bond and he keeps introducing himself as Bond, Lou Bond in a particularly uninspired recurring gag. I kept trying to figure out where I recognized this actor from until finally realizing that he plays the guy who owns Melville’s, the restaurant above Cheers.
Lou Bond is a rad character because he gives Danny a stern glare every time he makes a shitty joke. I guess that he’s got some actual standards for humor since he used to be on a way better sitcom.
Danny shows Lou Bond around the house and then Lou Bond says that he has a proposition for Danny. Later, at the family meeting, after a bunch of complaining, Danny tells everyone that Lou Bond has offered him twice the market value for the full house so they could easily move out and get a way bigger house with enough space for people to shit and take baths whenever they pleased. The girls get all excited and then it suddenly dawns on Becky and Jesse that they live in the attic for no good reason and maybe they should finally get their own fucking house. As if that weren’t an astounding enough revelation, Joey, despite all likelihood, actually realizes that he’s a grown man and should probably finally get his own place, too. It’s probable that he’d die while living on his own, due to his overwhelming incompetence, but since that would benefit all of humanity, no one points it out.
Everyone expresses great joy over this progressive prospect and for a second it seems like this horrible nightmare could finally come to an end, but then sad music plays as the camera slowly pans over to Michelle, who looks sad. Oh, god damn it. I think we all know where this is headed…
Becky and Jesse search the listings for houses and then Michelle comes home with Teddy and Denise and looks all mopey, which Jesse is completely oblivious to. Joey enters the scene with Steve, who is showing him listings because apparently his mom is in real estate and he’ll get a cut if he sells a place for her. Man, they’re really wedging Steve into these episodes lately.
Michelle forces her friends to sit there and watch her play the harmonica and then DJ comes in and delivers a bunch of expository dialogue about how Lou Bond is coming over to inspect the house later to make sure it’s not all fucked up. After relaying this information, DJ abruptly leaves the room and then Michelle tells her little friends that she doesn’t want to move. Denise is like, “hey, we could take advantage of that helpful information that your sister just came in and provided us with,” and then the three kids start conspiring the rig the inspection.
When Lou Bond shows up for the inspection, Michelle insinuates to him that the full house has a leaky roof and then she signals for Teddy to spray him with a Super Soaker. Danny suspects that something is up because that’s really not how leaky roof’s work, plus they’re on the first floor.
They go up to DJ’s room and Michelle has totally rearranged everything to look slanted so that Lou Bond will think that the foundation is fucked up. What a lot of effort that must have taken! Seriously, that’s a pretty impressive feat. I wonder how pissed DJ will be that her sister totally fucked up her room like that?
The rest of the family come home to find a pack of dogs running through the kitchen and into the backyard. Danny enters the room with Lou Bond and asks Michelle what her muthafuckin problem is. He asks her why she had to cook up a zany scheme to fuck up the inspection instead of just telling him that she didn’t want to move and she says that nobody gave a shit about how they weren’t going to all be living together anymore, which makes the audience go “aww” but doesn’t really answer Danny’s question.
Michelle drops some more sentimental bullshit about how important the full house is to her and then Lou Bond blows her off and whips out his checkbook. The music comes on and Danny says that he and his shitty family can’t ever move out of the full house because it’s an evil entity that has consumed them and wont ever let them leave, and so they must spend eternity trapped within its walls, where they will forever invade one anothers personal space and have endless trivial conflicts that can only be resolved when the house emits soothing music that inspires platitudes and cornball sentiment. Everyone else is equally persuaded by the music and recounts their own fond memories of living in the full house and then, after Jesse and Becky agree to remain cramped in the attic even though they can totally afford their own house, they straight up thank Michelle for manipulating them into staying.
Danny tells Lou Bond to go fuck himself because they’re not selling the house. After he leaves, Denise brings Comet in from the backyard and tells him, “Comet, you live here.” The dog walks over to Michelle and then there’s a dramatic pause before she says, “we all live here,” which is supposed to be an introspective moment but really just comes off as an incredibly redundant statement. No shit you all live there, asshole.
Everyone gathers together to hug and pet the dog and that’s the end of Season 7. It seems to me that the show hadn’t been renewed for an 8th Season yet and so they left this open-ended as a potential final episode. I guess it’s worth something that they tried to justify why all of these people still live in that house together, even if the reasoning behind it was total nonsense.
So that’s one more Season all wrapped up. Tune in next week for Season 7 reviewed, as well as a bunch of announcements about plans leading up to this blog’s ending and what’s to come after it’s finally over.