The only thing that’s getting me through this is knowing that there’s only 1 Season left.
Hey, guys! Welcome to the penultimate Season Review! I like to start these with shout-outs and updates, so skip to the next photo if that shit’s boring to you. Thanks to Hebrewersfan for buying me the DVD’s of Seasons 7 (and by thanks I mean, you ruined my life!) so I could review them for y’all. Shout-outs are also due to my many lovely commenters. There are kind of a lot of you now so apologies if I leave anyone out, but, as always, I have to acknowledge Teebore and Dr. Bitz, who write their own amazing pop-culture blog, Gentlemen of Leisure. Hats off to other rad bloggers who comment here as well, such as Ashley, Santanaonfire and Rambo Homer McFly. I was also going to plug a whole new crop of TV Review blogs that have sprung up but I just now looked them all up and it appears that the only one that didn’t already stop updating is The Dukes of Hazzard Reviewed. Thanks for wasting my time, other reviewers who wrote to me so I’d plug your blog and then stopped doing them. Only the strong can survive this practice!
Big thanks are due to Bridget Hainline, Sarah Portland, and Angela, who are pretty hardcore commenters. The comments section has kind of blown the fuck up over the past several months and there are a lot of people to thank, not least of all are JGA, SZA, Savafiend, Lovestolaugh, Seasoned Salt, Oh Mylanta, FHRFan, Kyle C. Haight, Rachwho?, Tacybear, CathySantone, Michelle’s Acting Coach, Non-jerk Michelle, Melanie, Lisa, Corey, Sara Wilson, Pink Dork, Smash, Packerchu, Propanehead and Staplerhead. Again, sorry if I left anyone out who comments with any regularity but I was never prepared to host an active community of commenters and it can be overwhelming. Please know that I appreciate each and every one of you!
I’d like to commend all of y’all for constructing what I feel is a very positive and friendly community around this site. More than once I’ve seen people post about how they’re having a shitty week, only to be met with with support and kindness by their fellow commenters. I think that it’s kind of amazing (and a little bizarre) that such a shitty, angry rant of a blog could have led to such a pleasant community of supporters and (especially given the general climate of the internet) I have to say that I’m very pleased and impressed. Y’all are the shit!
I’d also like to give a shout out to Carolyn Main, who’s started a series of paintings based on FHR screenshots. Her success in this endeavor has led me to think that I might make more of an effort to create some FHR merchandise before this project is done. I got discouraged early on after I made some shirts and they did ok, but not great. It’s kind of a lot of effort to make this blog and investing more energy and money into creating more material around it has always been a tall order for me, but I’d also hate to miss an opportunity to actually make some money off of the gigantic following that this blog has (I’m pretty amazed at my consistent inability to monetize such a large readership. I suck! Oh and by the way there is a donation button in the upper right corner if you did not notice it before…). So, what do you guys think? Would you like stickers or buttons or prints or what would you want? Let me know and I might very well make it happen. The style of them would be consistent with the FHR logo but the images could be something new.
Speaking of the FHR logo, the original, hand-drawn illustration is for sale on ebay! Carolyn Main is selling it for me to protect my secret identity but she was pretty insistent that I say who drew it, because it was me. It’s not a tracing or a vector graphic, either. I drew that shit freehand, with a brush! I’ll sign it for you and everything! So you guys better get to bidding because there’s only one of these that exists on the planet and if you don’t buy it now your whole life will be fucked forever!
So one last thing to discuss is what’s gonna happen after this site is over. Well, first I’m gonna drink a bunch of tequila and be like, “All those hours of my life, gone! Gone forever!” But then what? Well, a bunch of people have suggested that I start another review blog with a different shitty show but my answer to that remains fuck no. Unless maybe some website wants to pay me a decent wage to do a follow-up, there’s no way I’m ever doing this shit ever again. I seriously hate to think about the things I haven’t accomplished because I was blogging about how much Full House sucks. But I have been dabbling in podcasting in my civilian identity and due to that growing interest it’s looking pretty likely that I’ll be joining forces with Teebore to create a Saved By the Bell reviewed podcast shortly after FHR ends. There will probably be other people involved, too, but we’re not really going to divulge much until FHR is over, especially since I plan on taking at least a short break from making snide comments about crappy tv shows between the 2 projects. So, anyway, that’s what’s next. A Saved By the Bell Reviewed podcast. Apparently there’s already a podcast like that but we’re just going to do it anyway because there’s enough room on the internet for 2 of them.
Now’s also as good a time as any to mention that I’m planning on having a closing party on the day that I run the last review. It’ll probably be a live reading of that last review, plus maybe some other stuff, at a bar or something in San Francisco. According to my calculations, that will take place on January 17th, 2014, so mark your calendars. I’ll probably mention it again here on the site but if you’re really interested in staying updated about it you should be sure to follow FHR on Facebook. After that last post I’ll run Season 8 Reviewed, then probably a few top 10 lists and overviews and stuff before retiring the site. I’ll keep it up until the hosting expires, then I’ll probably move it back over to wordpress where it will live forever for free on the internet. I’ve looked into making FHR into a book but so far all the publishing people I’ve talked to are skeptical about it. The licensing is an issue, plus apparently blogs repackaged as books have a history of selling poorly because why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? I’ll put a little more work into looking into it but it’s pretty likely that you’re looking at this projects final form.
So how about I finally get on to the fucking review already? Seriously, blah blah blah, right? Alright already, here’s Season 7 reviewed:
I don’t know how this show manages to get so much worse every Season. It’s literally the only impressive thing about it. I was just remembering reviewing Season 1 (things were so much simpler then) and it seems absurd to me that I was even able to hate on those early episodes given how much better they are then what was to come. Everything that’s bad about the show becomes more and more prominent throughout the series and, although I can’t say that there was ever anything that was good about it, I can say that any aspects of it that weren’t terrible were gradually eliminated. There’s not much to say about the elements that have gotten worse because they’re just the same old flaws I’ve been pointing out for years now. I think that’s really the biggest problem by this point: nothing really changes or evolves at all. Other than being handed flashy new jobs that they don’t deserve or having some really stupid kids, none of the characters go through any growth or change whatsoever. The only really noticeable difference is the escalating sense of how tired these paper-thin characters and routines have gotten and how much more forced the premises are becoming after pretty much every cliched sitcom story has been run through.
Danny and Joey remain the most undeveloped characters, as neither have much more to them now than what was established in the first 10 minutes of the pilot. Jesse continues to plod through life, tripping and falling into countless incredible opportunities that he doesn’t deserve. Becky has remained pretty much the same ever since her soul was crushed when she married Jesse, at which point she lost that bit of fiery personality that made her a little bit interesting in favor of being an understanding-to-a-self-sacrificing-degree wife to her worthless husband and a big-sister type to the girls.
The addition of the twins to the cast has been a real mess. I can’t fault those little kids for being unable to speak intelligible lines because they’re like 2 years old, but I do find it odd that they are given so many lines to perform. I guess the creators desire to exploit some little kids for their potential cute factor totally outweighs any sort of professional television standards. The thing that really bothers me about these twins is that they make the Olsen twins seem impressive by comparison. Although the Olsens had the advantage of sharing a role when they were this age, they were still remarkably more capable of following cues and speaking clearly. I really resent Nicky and Alex for making me feel the need to give the Olsen twins credit for anything.
DJ remains the most mild-mannered and tolerable character on the show, whereas Stephanie seems to be a role that the series is just stuck with. There are a few forced and obligatory Stephanie-centric episodes in this Season, but for the most part she seems pretty shoehorned in due to the fact that she’s just an aging child actor who is no longer cute or charismatic and, ironically, the show seems to have too much integrity to just disappear her. The saddest moments this Season are the ones where Stephanie is seen hanging around Michelle and chiming in during her exploits because there’s nothing else for her to do besides shadow her much more popular younger sister.
The worst development of this Season is the increased focus on Michelle. It’s not surprising that the series would move in this direction but the results are more horrific than anyone could have ever imagined. Michelle seems to become a more terrible person with each passing episode. Literally every line she says may as well be “go suck a dick!”
The only thing I can credit the writers with this Season is that they actually bothered to explain how a few relationships ended, which goes against the series-long tradition of having characters’ significant others disappear with no explanation. Danny’s fiance, Vicky, was so boring that probably no one would have noticed if she had vanished without explanation, but in the end she chose her career over being drafted into that cartoonishly overcrowded house. DJ and Steve also broke up, which had no lead-in prior to the episode in which it took place. Regardless, I have to give the show some credit for having DJ make the mature decision to find some other non-threatening boys to not have sex with while she’s still young. Her choice to break things off with Steve is the closest thing they’ve ever shown to a mature emotional resolve in the entire series.
Other highlights from this Season include Jesse being given the Smash Club for no reason, which he does a terrible job of running, believe it or not. Apparently he still keeps his career as a radio DJ, too, which seems to be a job that he can just show up to whenever it’s convenient for him (or the episode’s premise). Probably the biggest event this Season was the death of Papouli, an obscure distant relative who traveled all the way from the old country so he could kick the bucket in the full house. The families forced and contrived tears over his very special death was the only thing that ever made me laugh out loud on this whole crappy series.
Oh, wait, there was also that time that Michelle fell off of her bike. That was pretty funny, too.
And with that, it is time to move on to the final Season. In less than half a year, I will be free! Oh, what a glorious day that will be! Until then I’ll be here every week, reviewing what I’m sure will be the worst Season of the worst show of all time. I do it for you, loyal readers. I do it because my suffering brings you joy.