Season 8, Episode 1, “Comet’s Excellent Adventure”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The family all search frantically for the remote until the dog comes in holding it in his mouth, almost as if to say, “anyone remember that this family has a dog?”  They turn on the tv and it turns out that, in a bizarre meta-moment, they’re sitting down to watch Full House.  I guess it’s not at all surprising that these self-obsessed assholes would sit around and watch their own shitty show together.  The pre-credits gag ends there but I’d be willing to bet that they all start beating off to themselves about 2 seconds later.  It’s also weird that you get a view of the 4th wall here, especially given the meta-circumstances.

The opening credits are almost entirely new, as all of the little character vignettes have been updated.  Most are pretty unremarkable, although Candace Cameron’s lookin’ pretty fly in hers.

Jodie Sweetin walks on the beach and faces the camera as if to say, “I’m even less significant than the dog at this point.”

One thing that’s a real burn is that the sweet, sweet shot of Lori Loughlin bending over and showing us her ass that got me through the last few Seasons has been switched out.  We still get a little bit of side-ass but it’s nowhere near as good.

The Olsen twins get top billing for their portrayal of a young dictator who will one day destroy the planet.  Their little vignette is of whichever one of them that is posing for one of those low-rent sketch artists, whose portrait doesn’t create an incredible likeness but does successfully capture the great evil that lurks within her tiny frame.

The last few shots are the same ones that they’ve been using for pretty much the entire series, which seems weird because all the kids are really young in them and a bunch of the current characters aren’t present because they weren’t on the show yet.  The twins hadn’t even been born when they filmed this group shot.  Oh well.  If nobody who worked on the show cared then I guess I shouldn’t either.

Jesse gets together with his shitty band to rehearse but they’re interrupted by the twins clanging away at their toy instruments.  That one member of the band who I’m pretty sure is the only consistent constituent (you know, the one with the curly hair) says what I think is his first ever line of dialogue when he tells Jesse that his stupid ugly kids are fucking up their rehearsal.  Jesse addresses him as Gary, so I guess we’re finally learning his name after 8 years.  Wow, he received a name and a line of dialogue all in the same scene, and it only took 8 years of regular appearances to make it happen?  Someone get this man a SAG membership!

Jesse finally shoos his stupid kids away but before practice can commence Becky runs in and asks him some questions about swizzle sticks for the Smash Club.  Why is she even dealing with that?  I guess because she has to make sure that anything ever gets done in that club because, aside from having a career in television, her other full-time job is constantly babysitting her worthless husband (not to mention her third full-time job, raising his kids).  Anyway, Jesse wastes more of his band-members time before one of them finally tells him to quit bullshitting around.  I noticed that this band member was played by Roger Lodge, who was the host of Blind Date, one of the most entertaining shows in the history of television.  Fuck, I miss that show.  Also, remember Elimidate?  That show was as compellingly awful as Full House.  Anyway, I remember Roger Lodge also having some other bit part on Full House like 100 episodes ago… I don’t remember what it was but I’m fairly positive that he wasn’t in Jesse’s shitty band.

As soon as the band starts jammin’ out, Joey runs in and tells Jesse that some shit’s going down at the radio station and they need to go fill in for some other DJ’s.  Jesse asks why they, the Rush-Hour Renegades, have to fill in for the Lunchtime Lunatics.  Joey clarifies that they got into a falling out with the Morning Maniacs over who would fill in for the Weekend Wackos and it reminded me of all the terrible alliteration jokes throughout this entire series that I never bothered to criticize.  Seriously, that’s like the only form of wordplay this show ever attempts, and they do it all the fucking time.  It’s aggravatingly asinine.

Jesse cancels band practice to go down to the radio station but then Roger Lodge approaches him to let him know that the rest of the members of his shitty band have taken a vote and decided to kick him out because they’re tired of his pushy obnoxious family ruining everything all the god damned time.  As Gary hangs up his keytar for the final time, Jesse pleads with them to stay, addressing them all by name, including one guy that he calls Lonnie who corrects him by telling him that his name is Lannie.  I’m not sure if Jesse’s supposed to get this guys name wrong because he’s just the latest in the endless revolving door of band members throughout the series or because he’s such a narcissistic asshole that he could play in a band with a guy for 8 years without every bothering to learn his name.

Sad music plays and the audience goes “aww” as Jesse is justly abandoned by his talentless bandmates.  He takes a seat to feel sorry for himself and then one of the twins asks him, “tattufasswannapaynemoah?”

So I guess DJ has some rich new boyfriend named Nelson?  Despite his enormous, terrifying nostrils, Kimmie Gibbler, Stephanie and Michelle seem to think he’s the shit because he takes them to do all this cool stuff and pays for everything.  After Nelson leaves, DJ says that she’s gonna break up with him because her love don’t cost a thing but nobody else can understand why she wouldn’t just continue to exploit him for his vast resources because they’re all terrible people.

Jesse stews in the aftermath of being justly kicked out of his maladroit band as Becky patiently listens and reassures him because codependency is like second nature to her at this point.  Jesse decides that he’s going to continue making shitty music on his own, a misguided notion that Becky fully enables.

Danny chases after Comet, who’s carrying a string of sausages in his mouth that Danny was going to cook for dinner. Why would he even want those sausages anymore after they were in the dogs mouth?  Danny realizes that the dog is pilfering food because Jesse neglected to feed him when it was his turn to do so but Jesse just tells Danny to fuck off because he’s too busy being mad about getting kicked out of his band to spend 5 seconds of his day fulfilling his facile responsibilities even though he doesn’t even pay rent.  I’m actually a little surprised that Becky didn’t preemptively do his dog feeding job for him.  Danny tells him that it’s going to be his turn to walk the dog tomorrow but before Jesse can dodge this minimal obligation with more self-pity, Michelle offers to do it for him.  Danny tells her that she’s too small to walk the dog by herself and also that Jesse has to do it because that motherfucker has been living in his house for 8 years and all he’s ever expected to contribute is occasional menial tasks that service the plot of the episode.

Jesse pleads on the phone with a booking agent to let him play a gig somewhere even though he owns his own club that he can perform at whenever he wants and then Michelle comes in and tells him that Comet’s about to shit all over the floor if he doesn’t take him for his walk.  All Jesse cares about is getting Michelle to back up off his nuts so he can talk on the phone so he tells her to go walk the dog herself.  Why doesn’t she just let the dog shit in the backyard?

Michelle takes Comet out for the series’ only on-location shots of San Francisco.  Comet is abruptly compelled to chase after a Volkswagen Bug that has a hot dog on top of it for some reason (I can’t tell what this is supposed to be… it can’t be a delivery vehicle because it’s too small, so what is it?) and so he breaks free of Michelle grip and runs off.

Stephanie conveniently runs into Michelle on the street and assists her in looking for Comet.  Michelle tells her that Comet went chasing after a humongous wiener but Stephanie won’t believe her, presumably because Michelle completely neglects to provide any further context.

Comet continues to chase the wiener car until he spots a fine ass bitch and then they run off together to go fuck.

DJ breaks it off with Nelson (presumably because of his gigantic, unsightly nostrils) as they look out over the Golden Gate bridge together.  Kimmie Gibbler attempts to intervene but arrives too late and then Stephanie and Michelle magically appear and tell everyone about how the dog ran away so Nelson offers to let them use his limo to continue their search.  Well that’s convenient!

Jesse constructs an elaborate set-up in the basement so he can try to perform as a one-man band but then all of his equipment starts malfunctioning and bursting into flames and stuff.  Although I’m loathe to give Jesse credit in any situation, his failure here seems much more due to faulty wiring than his shortcomings as a musician.

Michelle calls the full house from the limo phone and tells the uncles about the dog running away.  The girls spot the wiener car so they exit the limo and start searching the area on foot.  As they all face the same direction and call for the dog, Comet and his new ladyfriend pass behind them on a cable car.  Seriously, if just one of the girls would think to look in a different direction than everyone else this bullshit would be over with already.

The uncles drive to Coit Tower because Joey supposedly takes the dog there all the time but also because they’re actually filming in San Francisco for once so they may as well go to some famous sites.  As Jesse argues with Joey about where they should go to look for the dog, the twins point to the top of the tower but Jesse just ignores them.  As Jesse drives towards the wharf, where Danny is filming his show, the camera pans up to reveal that Comet and his ladyfriend are chillin’ at the top of the tower.  Although it’s frustrating to see Jesse miss the dog because he’s ignoring his children, you can’t really blame him for not bothering to try to decipher their gibberish.

Becky and Jesse stand in front of the camera for a special live afternoon edition of Wake Up, San Francisco because it’s convenient for the plot.  Why would they have to do a special afternoon edition just to go to the wharf?  I’d understand doing a special live show if the president was shot or something, but you can go to the wharf any old time.  Actually, I guess only a real news show would do a special live show for a big news event, not some crappy morning show.  So I guess I can’t think of any reason for them to ever be doing a live show in the afternoon.

Anyway, regardless of when or where it’s filmed, Wake Up, San Francisco is always a disaster.  As soon as they start their very special coverage of street performers, Jesse and Joey interrupt the taping to tell Danny that the dog ran away.  Moments later, all of the girls show up because they had the same idea to ruin Danny’s live taping by telling him about the stupid dog running away and pretty soon the whole show becomes a lost dog PSA even though nobody watching at home could possibly give a shit.

Comet sees the family’s plea for him to come home on a tv in a store window so he cuts out on his ladyfriend and runs back to the full house.  That’s pretty callous that he’d just run off like that after banging her all day.

Back at the full house, Michelle sits in the backyard feeling sad as she waits for Comet to come home and then Jesse comes out to have a very special talk with her.  She blames him for telling her to walk the dog by herself, totally absolving herself of any responsibility whatsoever even though she’d already been told that she couldn’t take the dog out on her own.  The music comes on as Jesse accepts the blame for Michelle losing the dog and then he talks about how he’s lost his passion for music and it’s causing him to be even more irresponsible than he usually is, which is already pretty goddamn irresponsible.  They hug and the audience goes, “aww” and then Comet comes back and everyone gathers around to pet him because god forbid that everything doesn’t turn out perfectly for these fucks even once.

Shout-outs to FHR super-fans Emily Yotter, Stacy Klesen and especially Jennifer Atkins for making generous donations this week.  Although FHR is free to read, it’s always super cool when you guys drop some cash on me for my grueling efforts.