Season 8, Episode 4, “I’ve Got a Secret”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse tells the twins to do exactly as he does while he shows them how to fix their tricycle, then, naturally, he fucks it up and hurts himself and they mimic his cries of pain.

Michelle and her little friends play “Mighty Mutant Super Kids” in her room.  At first I thought that this was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles thing but then I realized that it’s probably more of a Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers thing.  Michelle is playing with Aaron Bailey and Derek and some new kid named Lisa, which seems like sort of an odd assortment of kids.  Where are Teddy and Denise?  And where did this Lisa kid come from all of a sudden?  Anyway, they decide to form a Mighty Mutant Super Kids club and for some reason it’s really imperative that its existence is kept secret.  They decide that they’d better pick a leader and reach the conclusion that whoever can procure a Mighty Mutant Super Fortress will earn that rank because 90’s kids entertainment was always just about selling you expensive toys.

Kimmie Gibbler walks into DJ’s room and… whoa, check out DJ’s incredibly dated computer.  What’s she even supposed to be doing on that thing?  Its processing power is literally 1/100th as strong as my phone, and my phone is old and shitty.

Oh, yeah, so, anyway, Kimmie Gibbler comes over to tell DJ that she’s invited DJ’s old boyfriend Nelson to a Giants game because she’s romantically interested in him.  Kimmie Gibbler is actually trying to be a good friend and make sure that DJ doesn’t have a problem with this but then she gets all bent out of shape when DJ has trouble adjusting to the idea, assuming that DJ doesn’t think that she’s good enough for Nelson.  They have an argument and then Kimmie Gibbler storms out of the room.

I usually don’t talk much about the shitty fashion on this show because that could be its whole own blog (there’s a really good one for The Cosby Show), but, seriously, what the fuck is Kimmie Gibbler wearing?  It’s a skirt that doesn’t do anything that a skirt is supposed to do.  In the midriff-bearing 90’s, she somehow managed to find a skirt that covers only her stomach.  I don’t know, you guys.  I just don’t know.

As Joey cleans the silverware, he spits all over a knife.  Seriously, what the fuck is up with him spitting all over everything all the time?  It’s really an antisocial behavior, and yet it’s been played for laughs for years now. YEARS!  I can only imagine the terrible behavior that children who watched this show were inspired to emulate, but this spitting shit has got to be the worst of it.  At least this time he’s spitting on an inanimate object instead of directly into someone’s face like he usually does, but it’s still disgusting.  The only consolation is that Danny immediately throws the knife in the garbage afterwards.

Jesse comes home with Becky and the twins and asks Stephanie why she’s using his KISS t-shirt to dry silverware.  She says that it was in the rag pile and he replies that it shouldn’t be because he was saving it for sentimental reasons.  Joey says that he used to love KISS and then he shouts “Rock ‘n’ roll!” and sticks his tongue out, which makes the audience guffaw.

The twins see this and do the same thing, which the audience thinks is adorable.

It’s just this type of uncreative pandering that really exemplifies why this is the worst show of all time.  Some idiot does something annoying and then some ugly little kids repeat it and the audience eats it up.  That’s Full House in a nut shell.

Becky deduces that the KISS t-shirt was a gift from some cooze that Jesse used to stick it to and she gets jealous.  She retaliates by recounting all the hot dick she used to get back in the day and then the argument escalates until they both decide that they’re going to make lists of everyone they ever fucked so they can compare them, which is maybe the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life. At least now Becky will finally know the names of the women whose STD’s she’s contracted.

Michelle asks Danny for $39 dollars and he’s like, “fuck no,” then she asks Joey and he’s like, “sure,” and then he asks Danny to loan it to him.  If that doesn’t completely summarize their relationship, I don’t know what does.  Why doesn’t Joey have $39, anyway?  He’s got a good job and he doesn’t pay rent.  Anyway, Danny wants to know what the money is for so Michelle tells him about her secret club.  She makes a really big deal about how important it is to keep it a secret, which Danny seems to understand.  Danny says the he still wont buy her the toy because all his money is tied up in supporting all the people that live in his house who don’t pay for anything and then Joey tells her that all of the Super Fortresses are all sold out everywhere anyway, which is supposed to be funny because, you know, Joey plays with toys.  Pretty funny.

Nelson shows up at the full house to meet Kimmie Gibbler for their date, which seems like a pretty forced bit of staging although maybe it makes sense because Kimmie Gibbler’s trying to rub the whole thing in DJ’s face?  I can’t even tell anymore.  When everything’s so forced and absurd all the time it’s hard to tell when something justifiable occurs.  Kimmie Gibbler shows up looking hella fine and escorts Nelson and his enormous nostrils out the door for a long night of hot fucking.

Michelle and her stupid little friends hold another meeting of their secret club and then Danny comes in with a bowl of popcorn and totally spills the beans about knowing about their club.  The kids all get super pissed at Michelle for telling her dad about the club and expel her, which is probably the best decision they’ve ever made.

There’s so much to unpack here.  First of all, what the fuck is wrong with Danny that he just came in there and blabbed about their secret club after Michelle made such a big deal about not doing exactly that?  Maybe it’s excusable that he’d forget, though, because who even gives a shit about some stupid little kids secret club?  Why’s the club even a secret anyway?  It’s not like they were cooking meth at their meetings or anything.  They were just like jumping on the beds and doing ninja kicks and shit.  The other thing that’s kind of amazing here is that after the kids leave, Michelle immediately blames Danny for ruining her club, taking no responsibility whatsoever for telling him about it in the first place.  Granted, he still should have known better than to tell everyone that he knew about the club, but Michelle’s the one who told him about it in the first place.  Her complete lack of accountability is a really disturbing recurring element on this show. And does Danny call her out on this?  Of course not.  He just sits there looking apologetic as sad music plays.  This is just like the time Michelle blamed Jesse for the dog running away after she walked him when she wasn’t supposed to. Maybe if they’d taught her a lesson about accountability then, she wouldn’t be pulling the same bullshit now.  When’s that very special lesson going to come up?  When’s some gentle music going to play as some adult sits her down and explains to her that she’s responsible for her own actions and can’t just go around blaming everyone else every time she fucks up.  Seriously, when the fuck’s that talk going to happen?

Some time later, Danny sits in the kitchen with Joey, still overwhelmed with remorse.  Michelle comes in and tells him again to go fuck himself for ruining her secret club and then leaves.  Danny asks Joey how he can regain Michelle’s good graces and Joey tells him about an inside scoop he got about a toy store that’s getting a new shipment of Super Fortresses so he can buy one and win her love back.

DJ sits down for a very special talk with Aunt Becky, who’s padding her list of guys that she fucked because she remembered what a total man whore Jesse was in the first Season.  DJ tells Becky about how she doesn’t like that Kimmie Gibbler is dating Nelson and Becky says that it’s normal to feel weird about shit like that but you can’t just be an asshole and claim some guy that you don’t even want.

Jesse comes in with his list of sexual conquests and it’s like a goddamn phone book.  He shows it to her and it turns out that it just says “Rebecca” over and over again, which is really creepy, not to mention a total waste of paper (you know that shit isn’t gonna get recycled).  Why didn’t he just write it once?  Was he managing the Overlook Hotel when he wrote his list?  Anyway, Becky is touched by this display of love that only a murderer would think of so they make up.

Danny, Joey, and for some reason Jesse all wait for the toy store to open so they can buy a Super Fortress.  They are immediately trampled by the onslaught of eager consumers, many of whom are also probably trying to win their children’s love without going through all the trouble of learning any parenting skills.

There’s an extended period of physical comedy that involves lots of clamoring and conflict with other parents and in the end the dads are unable to secure a Super Fortress.

As Joey and Danny escort Jesse’s battered frame out of the toy store, a seedy individual beckons them over to him and asks if they’re looking for Super Fortresses.

Kimmie Gibbler comes over to show off the hickey she got on her date as an added fuck you to DJ.  DJ responds gracefully by admitting that she was jealous and saying that she wishes them the best, so they hug, which makes the audience go, “aww.”  Immediately afterwards, Stephanie sees an article in the sports section of the newspaper that shows Kimmie Gibbler getting hit in the neck with a foul ball at the game.  Well isn’t that convenient!??!  I wish that I could stumble upon newspaper articles that debunked lies people told me at exactly the same moment that the lie was taking place.  No one would ever pull a fast one on me then.

All the kids from the Mighty Mutant Super Kids Club wait in Michelle’s room with her to find out why Danny called all of them over.  They ask Michelle what it’s all about and she says that she doesn’t know.  I like the idea that Danny called all of these kids up himself and invited them over.  Their parents must really not give a shit about them.  Danny comes into the room and tells the kids that they can have the Super Fortress that he bought if they let Michelle back into their stupid club.  The kids all exuberantly descend upon the playset but their enthusiasm is quickly extinguished when they come to the realization that Danny got ripped off and all the parts of the playset were replaced by figurines of U.S. presidents.

Danny is dismayed by this revelation because he got ripped off for $75, which all the kids laugh at him for.  Michelle tells them to all shut their fucking mouths and stop laughing at her idiot dad because at least he tried to buy their friendship on her behalf.  Danny hugs Michelle and the audience goes, “aww” and then he tells the kids that it was shitty of Michelle to tell him about the club, and also shitty that he told them that he knew about it, and maybe even shittier that he tried to buy their friendship back with an expensive toy, but it’s been pretty well established by this point that the Tanner family are all terrible people so what’s the point of reacting accordingly to it now, after so many years of inexplicable tolerance?  The kids all agree that it’s their lot in life to put up with Michelle’s stupid bullshit so they let her back into the club.  Hey, that’s two episodes in a row where the music never came on.  I’d say that this show was making progress but, aside from omitting that one terrible element, it’s clearly getting worse.

Firsts:  Lisa