Season 8, Episode 5, “To Joey, With Love”

This is one of those episodes where you know you’re fucked just by reading the title.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Stephanie does some dumb ass bullshit magic trick with the twins.

Marcia Wallace comes over to the full house to hold a PTA meeting with Joey so she can sexually harass him.

Meanwhile, Jesse comes home and shows everyone an ad he’s put in the paper in order to find a guitar player for the new band that he’s forming.  He’ll probably need to place a bunch more ads later to fill out all the other instruments but never mind that.  Danny expresses interest in being Jesse’s new guitar player but Jesse isn’t thrilled by this on account of Danny is the corniest motherfucker who ever walked the earth.  I wonder why Danny never mentioned wanting to be in Jesse’s band even one time over the last 7 years?

Marcia Wallace continues to fondle and pester Joey until Danny comes in to intercept.  Danny’s presence successfully desiccates Marcia Wallace’s vagina, as it’s done for so many women so many times before, and so she’s finally able to control herself enough to hold an actual meeting with Joey.  She mentions a current shortage of substitute teachers so Joey divulges that he got a teaching certificate after he finished college (I guess he just got it in his spare time as an afterthought, as many teachers do, I’m sure) that he’s renewed each year just in case any of the many successful careers that he’s stumbled into didn’t pan out.  Well isn’t that convenient?!!? I can’t tell if this is more or less out of left field than the time that Joey could fly a plane all of a sudden.

Michelle comes home all depressed because her teacher’s out for some reason that’s never mentioned and, since there are no substitute teachers, they just watch film strips all day.  Yeah, I remember being real sad as a kid when things fell through at school and we just got to sit around and watch movies instead of engaging in precious learning.  I’d go home with my head hanging down because I felt deprived of all the powerful knowledge I was used to receiving on a daily basis.  Anyway, Michelle’s like, “boy, it sure would be convenient if one of the characters on this show just happened to have a teaching degree that they’d never mentioned before for no reason,” and then Joey and Marcia Wallace are like, “damn, bitch, we we’re just talkin’ bout that shit!” What are the odds!??!

Danny tries to convince Jesse to let him audition for his band by playing some “reggae” on his guitar that was more invasive and disrespectful towards Jamaican culture than centuries of British colonization.  Jesse realizes that Danny’s just going to keep bothering him all the time until he agrees to give him an audition so he acquiesces.

Michelle and her stupid little friends (including Lisa, whose hair is a different color than it was last episode, incidentally) all eagerly anticipate Joey being their substitute teacher because they think that he’s just going to make them laugh all day.  It’s almost like they’ve never met him before or something.  The principal comes in and introduces him to the class and then as soon as she leaves, the kids start demanding that he do impressions and refuse to open their science books and shit.  Joey seems pretty frustrated by this and it is certainly inappropriate behavior but, you know what?  Maybe when you goof off like a fucking asshole every second of your life, it might make it kind of hard for people to take anything you do seriously.

Joey tells all the kids to cut the shit but then Michelle keeps breaking his balls so he decides to make an example of her by sending her to the principals office.  Michelle’s like, “you can’t do that.  I’m the undisputed ruler of the entire goddamn universe, for fucks sake” but Joey actually sticks to his guns and gives her the boot.  Sad music plays as Michelle gathers her belongings and then tells Joey that he can go suck a dick because, as we’ve seen so many times before, she has absolutely no concept of accountability whatsoever.

Danny practices his guitar in front of the dog until Joey comes home looking all sad because he sucks so bad at being a substitute teacher.  Michelle comes homes and tells Joey that she thinks that he’s a real piece of shit but then Danny finds out what happens and sends Michelle to her room.  On her way upstairs she’s like, “fuck all y’all” and the audience goes, “aww.”

Stephanie, DJ and Kimmie Gibbler all talk about how much they wanna bang all the filthy musicians who are at the full house to audition for Jesse’s band even though it’s been made abundantly clear over and over again that none of those broads put out.  Well, maybe Kimmie Gibbler does…  Danny shows up and hears the cliched names that all the other butt rockers have, like “Scab,” and decides that he needs a ridiculous moniker as well, so he dubs himself “Mildew.”

Jesse and Becky have a discussion in the basement about how shitty all the auditions have been and then it’s Danny’s turn.  Danny does a really good job and then Jesse’s like, “aw, fuck, am I gonna have to let this embarrassing wiener in my band?  His mere presence is enough to desiccate any woman’s vagina…”  As soon as Becky makes the point that it would only be fair to enlist Danny because he gave the best audition, DJ comes downstairs with one last applicant.

His name is Viper and he’s got ripped jeans and apparently wants to bang DJ.  Having established those characteristics in just a few seconds, he is instantly as well developed a character as most of the cast.  He starts kicking ass at his audition and then Danny picks up his guitar and they have a showdown until Danny realizes that Viper’s hella better than him so it turns into a sort of impromptu jam session.

Danny admits defeat and Viper is recruited.  Jesse tells Danny that he almost made it into the band but only from the point of safety of knowing that there’s no longer a chance he might have to include him.

Michelle and her annoying friends show up for another day of having Joey as a substitute teacher.  The four of them all agree that they hate his guts now and decide to give him the silent treatment and since they seem to run some sort of collective hive-mind in their classroom, all the other kids go along with it even though there’s never any discussion about it or anything.

Joey tries to teach the kids geography for about 10 seconds but he’s so disturbed by their disapproval that he accidentally makes the map roll up.  He responds to this the same way he responds to most uncomfortable moments, by doing a terrible impression of Popeye.  The kids all start laughing so he decides to continue making a bunch of terrible jokes instead of teaching the class and then the principal walks in and finds him fuckin’ around instead of doing his job.  She takes him out into the hallway for a stern talking to and then, when he comes back into the room, he tells the kids that he’s decided to quit being their substitute because it’s just not working out.  The kids are all like, “what the fuck?” and Joey explains that he tried be stern and responsible and nobody liked him because of it so then he tried being fun and lenient for 30 seconds and he got in trouble.  Since he tried one thing and it didn’t work out and then he put almost a full minute of effort into the opposite method and that didn’t work out, either, the only sensible solution would be to quit.  Real good lesson there, Joey.

Michelle approaches his desk and tells him that she doesn’t want him to quit.  She explains that since he’s a big hammy attention whore all the time, it was hard for her to adjust to him taking on the roll of any sort of authority figure, but now she feels sorry for him because he’s so pathetic and inept so she’ll do what he wants out of pity.  She asks all the kids if they still want him to be their teacher and they’re all like, “fuck yeah!” so he agrees to stay.  Then he shows them how to suck an egg through a glass bottle by lighting paper on fire and burning up the oxygen inside, because it’s always a good idea to show a bunch of little kids a trick that involves lighting things on fire.  How is that even educational, anyway?

That’s the third episode in a row with no music!  They’ve all been just as heavy-handed and moralistic as ever, but the lack of music has been really refreshing.  My guess is that they just forgot to include it because nobody who works on this show gives a shit about anything.  It would be totally amazing if it never came back but something tells me that it’ll be returning in the immediate future.

Firsts:  Viper