Season 8, Episode 11, “Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen”

Great, a fucking Christmas episode.  The last bunch of reviews have been a little easier to get through because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but then shit like this has to come up and kick me right in the nuts.  It’s pretty much a sitcom standard that Christmas episodes are sappier and less entertaining than most, and boy oh boy is that no exception here.  I’m still traumatized by Uncle Jesse’s inspiring Christmas speech in that early episode where they were stuck in an airport for the holidays.

This episode was actually instrumental in the formation of this blog.  One Christmas, just a few months before FHR started, I was blessed with the holiday miracle of both BET and Nick at Night running hella Christmas episodes of Family Matters over the course of several days during my winter downtime and I couldn’t get enough of that shit (except for maybe the one where Carl and Urkel get stuck on a train on Christmas.  That one kind of sucked), especially how they kept alternating which family member got to sing a soulful Christmas ballad at the end of the episode.  It’s like everyone wanted to try to score an album deal so bad that they had to take turns.  Anyway, I was so into Family Matters Christmas episodes that I even settled for watching a Full House one (being another TGIF show, it was close enough) when this very episode came on.  I only caught the last half of it and assumed that it would make more sense when I saw the whole thing, which I was totally wrong about (more on that later).  Anyway, the point is that, even though the experience reminded me that Full House is a way shittier show that brings none of the so-bad-it’s-good joy that Family Matters does, it’s probably why I ended up picking Full House after deciding to write a Family Matters review blog and then learning that the series wasn’t available on DVD.  Up to that point it had been a pretty long time since I’d watched Full House so happening upon this episode had a lot to do with putting it back on my radar.  You might even say it was a Christmas miracle.

I know that I usually just get right to the review but I just had to regale y’all with that little anecdote first.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle tells everyone that she got Danny a store-bought gift for Christmas and they’re all surprised because she usually makes her gifts for everyone.  They then spend about a full minute discussing all of the types of cereal that she’s used to craft their previous gifts and even recite some slogans for said cereals.  Eventually the check from the Kelloggs people clears so they move on.  Michelle pulls out Danny’s gift, which is a big plank of wood that’s shaped like a tie that you can hang a drink on while you wear it and everyone pretends that it’s not terrible because they’re pretty used to appeasing her all the time.

Danny and Becky soak in the Christmas cheer around the full house until Jesse storms in and starts yelling at Joey for making him go to the dry cleaners with him so they could pick up his Santa suit.  Jesse rants for a while about how crowded and stressful shopping is right before Christmas, which is actually a pretty relatable complaint.  Just as Michelle comes downstairs, Becky pulls out the same novelty tie that Michelle bought for Danny, explaining that she’s bought it for Joey as a gag gift.  Everyone takes a minute to talk about what a gaudy piece of shit the tie is as Michelle comes to realize that it’s a crappy present.  It’s always interesting to me how necessary it if for the characters to express their opinions about things like this in order for the audience to understand how we’re supposed to relate to it.  Like, if they all thought that the novelty tie was amazing I wouldn’t even question it because these assholes have the worst taste in everything all the time anyway, so it really helps when they spell out their opinions for us.

After Michelle excuses herself, Becky asks Jesse if he remembered to buy mistletoe and he says that he did and complains about how expensive it was. When he shows it to her she tells him that he was sold parsley and he’s like, “well, it’s not like I ever did anything right before this.  What’d you expect?  Also, fuck Christmas.”

Jesse walks into the living room and discovers Michelle throwing her gift for Danny right into the fire, which is kind of intense.  He stops her and asks her what the fuck she’s doing and she tells him that she’s burning her gift for Danny because they were all talking hella shit about it not 2 minutes earlier.  She asks him to take her to the store so she can exchange it but he’s like, “fuck no, I’m hella sick of this Christmas shopping bullshit.  Don’t you remember?  That’s like my whole thing this episode.” but then he ends up taking her anyway because how else was that ever gonna play out?  I wish that conventional media would just give up already on people initially refusing to do things and then coming around.  It’s such a waste of time.  Every action movie is like that.  It’s like, no one ever just agrees right away to go to outer space or a dinosaur island or whatever, they always outright refuse to go and then make you wait an extra ten minutes before they change their mind and you get to see all the cool shit you went to the movie for.  If I ever write a movie I’m gonna make sure that the scientist agrees to go to the dinosaur island right away, with no hesitation.

DJ, Stephanie and Joey all groan excessively as they try to fit Joey into his Santa Suit.  They come to realize that the dry cleaner gave him someone else’s suit, which is much smaller, but they are all dedicated towards squeezing him into it so he can perform as Santa for the twins.  As they continue to moan and groan melodramatically while trying to stuff him into the suit, the twins, who are wandering around the full house unsupervised, stumble onto the scene and decide that Santa must be hurting their cousins (and/or sexually abusing them).  Declaring that Santa is a monster, they flee in terror.

The owner of the novelty shop that Michelle bought Danny’s terrible tie from is played by Mickey Rooney, who gets one hell of an applause from the audience when he shows up onscreen.  Just as Jesse and Michelle walk up to the door, Mickey Rooney flips the open sign, declaring the store closed, but that doesn’t stop Michelle and Jesse from barging in on account of they don’t give a fuck about other people’s time or personal space.  Jesse insists on returning the tie before the store can close but Michelle is unable to provide a receipt for it.  Jesse, once again disregarding rules and regulations whenever they’re inconvenient for him, decides to grab an item of equal value and demands an exchange.    Mickey Rooney tells him to put the item down and get the fuck out of his store so he can go home and then when Jesse refuses, Mickey Rooney locks the store from the inside and presses the silent alarm, informing Jesse and Michelle that they’ll be spending the holidays in jail.  Wait, really?  I don’t know how to feel about this.  I mean, Jesse definitely deserves some comeuppance for being such a pushy, inconsiderate asshole, but locking them inside the store and calling the cops is pretty over the top.  I really can’t say who’s the bigger asshole here.  When I saw this episode before, I came in right after the commercial break that follows this scene so I didn’t really know why he was locking them in there and now that I do know I find it quite baffling.  It’s like the people from the full house have finally met their match or something.

Jesse and Michele try to reason with Mickey Rooney so he’ll let them go but he aint havin’ it.  He then subjects Jesse to a series of pranks using novelty items and he and Michelle seem to find it quite amusing.  It’s almost like he’s trapping them in there just so he can subject Jesse to dribble glasses and dirty handkerchiefs for his own entertainment.  It’s also weird that Michelle and Mickey Rooney are getting along so well considering that he’s trapping them in there and everything.

Danny has a talk with the twins about Santa.  He’s unaware of their burgeoning fear of ol’ Saint Nick but even so, he should know better than to make Santa sound so creepy when he talks about him.  He tells them about how there’s no way to keep Santa out of your house and how he sees you all the time, whether you’re sleeping or awake, and yet somehow he is puzzled when the twins run away fearfully.  I mean, really, he couldn’t have made it sound more like Santa was going to come into their bedroom at night to touch their buttholes.

Mickey Rooney continues to collaborate with Michelle on practical jokes that they subject Jesse to until Jesse finally gets fed up and declares that he’s gonna bust out of the novelty store, which is pretty understandable, really.  I mean, seriously, how long can Mickey Rooney hold them there?  And he really does seem to be doing it strictly for his own amusement.  Verifying that theory, Mickey Rooney tells Jesse that he called the cops 20 minutes earlier and told them not to come (how nobody heard this phone call is a question that will never be addressed) and agrees to let them go.  Jesse gets all up in arms and rounds up Michelle so they can get the fuck out of there but then she theorizes that Mickey Rooney was just holding them there so he wouldn’t be alone on Christmas Eve.  Rather than recognizing that as sociopathic behavior, Michelle decides that it’s a good reason to invite him to the full house for Christmas. Hey, sure, why not?  Being such a pushy asshole that makes jokes at the expense of others, he does come off as something of a kindred spirit.

Being the gruff, guarded character that he is, Mickey Rooney tells them to get the fuck up out his store, but when Jesse suggests that Mickey Rooney should spend the evening with his own family, he replies, “which family are you talking about?  The one that doesn’t write me, or the one that never phones me?”  Wait, so he has two families?  Anyway, this heavy-handed, self-pitying line from a guy who just held our protagonists captive for hours for no good reason causes the audience to go, “aww,” so gentle music comes on and they are prompted to continue to investigate the situation.  Mickey Rooney says fuck his family because they all moved up to Oregon and didn’t invite him to go with them.  Jesse says that he should swallow his pride and get back in touch with his family because family is the most important thing on account of they’ll let you live in their attic and don’t make you pay rent or have a real job and they even make up for your complete inability to raise your own children.  Mickey Rooney tells him to fuck off and get out of his store but as Jesse turns to go, Michelle asks Jesse if they can invite Mickey Rooney to the full house for Christmas dinner.  Mickey Rooney’s like, “what the fuck would I want to do some shit like that for?” but Jesse calls him out on being a lonely old weirdo who has nowhere better to be.  They beg him to come to the full house and he eventually agrees, but first he says he has to run off camera to do something that he’s been waiting to do for a long time.  Jesse and Michelle have no problem waiting since it’s not like they’ve been trapped in that store against their will for a bunch of hours or anything. While they wait, the music comes on again as Jesse says that he had lost his Christmas spirit before, and that the problem with Christmas wasn’t the stress and rampant consumerism but only his inability to deal with it.

The family all work together to convince the twins that Santa isn’t scary.  Danny gives them Santa shaped cookies and then DJ and Stephanie give them a stuffed Santa which they hug, causing the audience to go, “aww.”  After those two brief efforts, the problem is solved.

Joey comes out dressed as a bunny because he didn’t want to frighten the twins with his Santa suit (so a bunny suit was a natural replacement, of course) and they fucking hate it because Joey in a bunny suit is pretty goddamn unsettling.

The twins start shouting about how they want Santa and then Michelle and Jesse come home and say that they’ve brought a surprise.  Mickey Rooney comes in after them dressed as Santa and shouting “ho ho ho!”

No one seems to think it’s strange at all that Michelle and Jesse have brought home some wayward old man.  Danny asks Michelle where they were and she says that she bought him a shitty ass gift and had to replace it.  He says that she didn’t have to do that because it’s the thought that counts and it’s not like little kids ever get their parents good gifts anyway.  He opens the replacement gift that she got him and it’s a candy cane toothbrush, proving how completely not worthwhile that entire endeavor was.

Jesse tells Mickey Rooney that he has a gift for him and then he hands him a phone and tells him to call his family.  He dials their number and his granddaughter answers so Mickey Rooney gets all choked up and wishes her a merry Christmas, which isn’t like completely contrived or anything.  The family all start singing “Deck the Halls” and then Mickey Rooney walks over and holds the phone out to them because if your estranged grandfather called you for the first time ever during the holidays I’m sure you’d really want to spend that call listening to a bunch of strangers that he’s spending the holidays with instead of you while they sing Christmas carols.  Maybe if it was Eddie Winslow’s sweet, soulful voice it might make sense, but these fucks?  Forget it.

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146 Responses to Season 8, Episode 11, “Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen”

  1. Richard says:

    I assume Mickey Rooney was in this episode for the same reason he was in Silent Night Deadly Night 5.

    When I was a kid, I used to think my sister’s friend’s Jehovah’s Witness family was crazy for not celebrating holidays or getting involved in politics. Now as a jaded adult, I think they had the right idea.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      I practiced that religion. It’s called “worked Black Friday six years in a row.”

      Liked by 1 person

    • Pink Dork says:

      Yes: Mr. Yunioshi as a creepy deranged rando stranger Santa Claus busting in on the cornball Christmas. Just yes. Thank you Billy and all the full house asshole parthenons for bringing us this gift.

      Like

    • LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

      They never had the right idea. They just deprive themselves of presents and booze.

      I went to school with one of those Mormons. And leme tell all of yous…they have zero morals. Zero.

      They also have no clue of the world. I transported back in time and interviewed Brigham Young. We shared scotch. Some of you have got it all wrong.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lisa says:

        1) Jehovah’s Witnesses are not the same thing as Mormons.
        2) I am not a Mormon, nor am I a fan of their religion, but just because one random Mormon you knew was questionable does not mean you can say none of them have morals.
        3) I know you’re waiting for someone to comment on your weird time-traveling fetish, so I guess I just did it.

        Like

  2. Angela says:

    And to think, we almost got ourselves your take on “Family Matters”. I would’ve enjoyed reading that, too (and that reminds me that I need to do some serious catching up with the blog that IS actually covering that show), but, while I feel for you having to sit through eight seasons of this show, I’ve been enjoying the hell out of your commentary.

    I wish that conventional media would just give up already on people initially refusing to do things and then coming around. It’s such a waste of time. Every action movie is like that. It’s like, no one ever just agrees right away to go to outer space or a dinosaur island or whatever, they always outright refuse to go and then make you wait an extra ten minutes before they change their mind and you get to see all the cool shit you went to the movie for. If I ever write a movie I’m gonna make sure that the scientist agrees to go to the dinosaur island right away, with no hesitation.

    I would just like to applaud this. Yes.

    Just as Jesse and Michelle walk up to the door, Mickey Rooney flips the open sign, declaring the store closed, but that doesn’t stop Michelle and Jesse from barging in on account of they don’t give a fuck about other people’s time or personal space. Jesse insists on returning the tie before the store can close but Michelle is unable to provide a receipt for it.

    *Twitches*

    I currently work in retail. My whole family has worked in retail. We have all dealt with these EXACT situations.

    Fuck those kinds of customers. God, that stuff drives me up the friggin’ wall. And it doesn’t surprise me one bit that it happens to be Jesse and Michelle who do this. Calling the cops may be an over the top reaction, yes, but I do like the idea of freaking customers who do such things out like that a bit. If it might help knock some sense into them…

    …um. Yeah. I have feelings about this, can ya tell?

    In other notes, Joey in a bunny costume is just…no, and wow, yeah, Danny looks real enthused about that toothbrush, doesn’t he? Also, I feel for that poor granddaughter.

    Last Christmas episode of the series for you at least, so…there’s that to celebrate?

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Angela, I thought of “A Christmas Story” when I saw Joey in the bunny costume and I heard Darren McGavin’s immortal words as the Old Man, “He looks like a deranged Easter bunny!”. As for my retail experience, it hasn’t been so bad! I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving and Xmas in the store though! They even mentioned how nuts the grocery stores get when Thanksgiving comes up on “3rd Rock from the Sun” and many others. I think you should go all Hit-Girl on shoplifters and cut off their hand when you catch them in the act! I can think of the opposite of the movie idiom were the scientist doesn’t want to go to the island: Characters who hang around when the axe murderer is running around and they lose all their escape routes. Get out of the town or camp site when the killers are running around!

      Like

      • Angela says:

        LOL at “deranged Easter bunny”. So true.

        We’ve unfortunately had a few shoplifters in our store (who knew people liked to smuggle books so much?). We try to keep an eye out for them but some of them can be really sneaky. I like the idea of going “Hit-Girl” on them, though.

        And good luck with the upcoming holiday season at where you work! Hopefully you encounter many more nice customers than mean ones.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Thank you, Angela! I find empty packages people discard when I do my zoning, but I have never confronted a shoplifter.

        Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      Totally agree with you about those types of customers! Especially because it’s not like Michelle’s purchase was defected or anything like that — she just decided she didn’t like it.

      Danny’s reaction to it was probably just a put-on. I actually like him more than the other two men but, come on, he’s the world’s biggest dork! We know he would not only wear the plastic tie but show it off on Wake Up, San Francisco.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I agree with the both of you about horrible customers, but I also work in retail and haven’t experienced it, as Homer Simpson would say, “Yet.” I think it would be right to go all Hit-Girl on shoplifters and chop off their hands when they are in the act of stealing! I also think of the immortal words of Darren McGavin as the Old Man when he saw Ralphie in that scary pink bunny costume Aunt Clara sent and he said, “He looks like a deranged Easter bunny.” I can think of another idiom from horror movies: people in horror movies never get the hell out of Dodge when the killer is lurking around and they miss every opportunity that presents itself to do leave!

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Dead on with the Christmas Story quote, Bridget.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Exactly!

        What I love (or, rather, hate) the most about those situations is that if I say the customer needs a receipt to return the item to the store, they get mad at ME or the other employees. Like we personally just decided on that rule, to put a crimp in their precious day.

        Hi, we didn’t make the rules, geniuses, we just have to follow them. If we don’t, we could get in, y’know, trouble. Believe me, many employees don’t always get the store policies that are in effect, either. But they’re there, they are what they are, and if we say this is what you need to do, then that is what you need to do. Got a problem with it? Go find a way to get a hold of the higher ups. Otherwise, shut up. I honestly don’t understand why some customers don’t seem to get that.

        As for customers keeping the store open far later than necessary, my mom had a particularly horrible experience with that involving two women one night. They were the types who thought that because they were rich people like my mom were servants to their every whim. I normally don’t use the word “bitch” but if ever that word were to be used, well…those women defined it, let’s just say that.

        On a happier note, LTL, you raise an excellent point about the tie. This is true. He was pretty happy with that tie tack Stephanie made him in one of the earliest episodes of the show, after all…

        Like

    • Bridget says:

      Angela, it looked like Bob Saget was thinking, “Gee, I get better Hanakkah gifts from my three biological daughters, and why do I care about Xmas, I’m Jewish!”

      Like

      • Angela says:

        ROTFL :D!

        (For some reason that made me think of a book I’m currently reading about the host of “The Twilight Zone”, Rod Serling-who, by the way, seemed like one hell of an awesome guy, if that book’s anything to go by. He was Jewish…and born on Christmas Day.)

        Like

      • howrude says:

        can you give me the title of this book? i’m a huge fan of rod serling.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        How rude, did you see the Twilight Zone episode “To Serve Man”? Richard Kiel, who has acromegaly played the aliens. He is a very tall man because after puberty, his pituitary went nuts and produced growth hormone. I wrote a small study guide for my anatomy class and included his picture. He was on “The Monkees” and I swear, his hands could fit over all of their heads!

        Like

      • howrude says:

        I have! It’s one of my favorites.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Sure! It’s called As I Knew Him: My Dad, Rod Serling. Written by his daughter, Anne. It talks a lot about his life, and of course, his work. Lots of fun, interesting stories, some really emotional, touching moments (there’s a great theme about the father/daughter bond that runs through the book, which hits very close to home for me in many ways)…it’s a very fascinating read, and my admiration for Serling has grown significantly while reading it. Hope you like it if/when you get a chance to check it out!

        @Bridget, I didn’t know that guy was on “The Monkees”! Which episode, I’ll have to look for that should I catch a “Monkees” show again.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Angela, I will have to look for that book in the library because I like the classic “Twilight Zone.”. The episode of “The Monkees” had them showing a Frankenstein’s monster of sorts how to be musical. The mad scientist who built the monster transferred the bands’ musical skills to the monster.

        Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Dude, fuck those customers.

      Like

    • Richard says:

      Unfortunately the FM blog has been cancelled because the guy’s schedule got too busy. I think he stopped just short of the end of season 3.

      Like

  3. Oh Mylanta says:

    Was the bunny suit supposed to be a reference to A Christmas Story? Because Joey definitely looks like a deranged Easter Bunny (not to mention a pink nightmare). There’s that, plus the fact that they got Mickey Rooney, the voice of Santa in those Rankin-Bass stop motion specials…

    I actually have no recollection of this episode. The only ones I happen to catch around the holidays are the one where they’re stuck in the airport and sometimes the one where Danny’s all depressed over Vicky being across the country and then she surprises him at the end (remember Vicky? Danny’s significant other for a season or two who had no discernible character traits whatsoever, other than the fact that she liked turkey in a boot?). So, going by this review alone, all I really have to say is… Dafuq, Jermsey. It takes a crazy old man locking you in his novelty shop and threatening to call the cops for attempting to make an exchange without a receipt (I mean, I share the frustration of retail workers with customers who try to pull that shit, but COME ON) for you to suddenly be overcome with “Christmas spirit”? Dafuq, Full House writers. Just… Dafuq.

    Like

  4. hebrewersfan says:

    The whole “holding the phone while they sing” part at the end was the thing I never understood in this episode for the very same reasons you mention. Oh, here’s some strangers singing for you. I’d much rather have Eddie Winslow, hell I’d take Lil’ Richie doing one of his many Michael Jackson impressions over that shit.

    Like

  5. Jake Bitterman says:

    Why does Joey have a bunny suit just waiting to go?

    Like

    • Vamking12 says:

      Oh for your nightmares.

      Liked by 1 person

    • SavaFiend says:

      Joey totally looks like the kind of guy who’d have some shit like that in his closet though. I mean, we ARE talking about a guy who has a puppet named Mr. Woodchuck, after all.

      Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      We’re talking about a guy who, when he first moved into the full house, kept a mannequin in his alcove and made sure that he and the mannequin were dressed identically every day. Plus a giant Mr. Potato Head. And of course, Mr. Woodchuck. It would not surprise me at all if he just so happened to own a bunny suit.

      Like

      • Jake Bitterman says:

        the manaquin with matching clothes is super disturbing. Where did he get the money to buy 2 of every outfit he had just to dress up a dummy?

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Seriously, when you look back at all of that, how the hell did that not scream “CREEPY!” to Danny when the show first started? Or to anyone else?

        Like

      • Oh Mylanta says:

        Well, they’ve been friends since childhood according to the “soul brothers” episode, so I guess at that point Danny was just so jaded that nothing Joey does could faze him anymore.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Good point. Still…somebody should’ve raised the alarm at some point.

        Like

      • SJSiff says:

        What this really means is that he has TWO bunny suits. One for him, one for the mannequin.

        Like

  6. Smash says:

    Wow, Jesse and Michelle are such dicks. They could have no possible way of knowing that Joey’s santa suit didn’t fit properly. So they fully knew while on their way home with a Mickey Rooney Santa that there would have been a Joey Santa already waiting at home. And they still went and did it anyway, knowing that they may have been stealing Joey’s thunder.
    Not that I give a shit about Joey, but that is a hella inconsiderate thing to do. They could have just said “be yourself Mickey Rooney because we already have a santa for the party”.
    And if the twins were scared of Santa before, they sure as hell will be now when some asshole santa comes barging into their house.

    Like

    • mercury says:

      to be fair, they probably knew Joey was going to screw up one way or another. just like the others weren’t surprised at them bringing up some random old weirdo along, they equally didn’t seem surprised when they saw that bunny suit fiasco. in many ironically unintentional ways, i believe this show was more self aware than we give it credit for.

      Like

    • Bridget says:

      Smash, she’s a d**k for another reason, you don’t burn gift wrap because the dyes can be toxic when you breathe them in. Are you old enough to remember the “Silent Night, Deadly Night” protest back in 1984? There is a movie about a boy who saw Santa murder his parents and then when he grew up, he dressed as Santa and killed people.

      Like

      • Richard says:

        Mickey Rooney was one of leaders of the protest. Then he agreed to star in SNDN 5. Granted it was an in name only sequel, but still…

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Richard, I watched “Silent Night, Deadly Night” and thought it was very dumb! The acting was sub-par and in this horror movie like in all others, the women with large breasts will get killed after they expose their breasts.

        Like

      • Richard says:

        Yeah the second one was far superior.

        Like

      • Smash says:

        No, I never saw that movie Bridget, but it sounds like it was awesome! Unless of course it was a documentary… in which case that sounds tragic.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Smash, it was one of those leave your brain at the door, trashy movies. This was one horror movie that didn’t make you think. Kind of like “Chucky.”

        Like

    • SavaFiend says:

      Very good point! Dueling Santas would have been pretty entertaining though, I almost wish it would’ve played out that way.

      Like

    • Michelle says:

      I NEVER thought of it like that haha
      that could have sent Joey into another ‘you all think I’m a joke and now I’m moving out’ hissy fit! haha

      Like

  7. mercury says:

    Joey looks like a 90s flick serial killer in that bunny suit.
    and i don’t think calling the cops was all that over the top, weren’t they trying to openly rob this dude? there is only so much an old guy can do to stop a big creep like uncle Jesse (not to mention his bride of Chucky type of child sidekick) from just taking his things and leaving.
    brilliant review as always, i’m addicted to this blog

    Like

  8. Ryan says:

    ” I mean, really, he couldn’t have made it sound more like Santa was going to come into their bedroom at night to touch their buttholes.”

    Bahahahaha. Best line of this review. And the bunny suit was pretty damn creepy.

    Like

  9. Kamdan says:

    Where can you get one of those things that zips up the dollar? I would have so much fun with that.

    Like

  10. Michelle's acting coach says:

    How many times does Jesse have to learn a “meaning of Christmas” before he remembers it? I think we’re seeing why he considers himself a high school dropout even though we saw a flashback of him on his graduation day.

    Like

  11. Vamking12 says:

    I like to think I’m having a nightmare. This show did not get green lighted. And I’m just dreaming.

    Like

  12. lovetolaugh says:

    Is is just me, or was this episode creepy as shit?

    From the twin’s understandable misinterpretation of Santa harrassing Steph and DJ, to Mickey Rooney holding two people (one of them a child) captive just so he won’t be lonely on Christmas (WHO would do that??!), to Joey in the bunny suit…..I don’t know if I will be able to sleep tonight.

    Like

  13. Sarah Portland says:

    This is now officially my favorite review post. I too only saw the last half of this episode, after Mickey Rooney locked Jermsey and Michelle in the store, and could not for the life of me figure out why they were all stuck in that store. I figured it was inclement weather or something corny and normal like that. Being taken hostage? That’s fucking creepy.
    So I feel the teensiest bit of bad for Michelle here, simply because I recall how fucking awesome and grown-up it felt to buy gifts for your family members, even if you were already kind of aware that little kid gifts generally suck. You still feel like a bad-ass exchanging real money for that thing, wrapping it to the best of your ability, and delighting in the fakey smile you receive for your efforts. But because it’s Michelle, I can only feel bad for so long before she does/says something obnoxious, and then I hate her again.

    “If I ever write a movie I’m gonna make sure that the scientist agrees to go to the dinosaur island right away, with no hesitation.” I’d watch that.

    “Being the gruff, guarded character that he is, Mickey Rooney tells them to get the fuck up out his store, but when Jesse suggests that Mickey Rooney should spend the evening with his own family, he replies, “which family are you talking about? The one that doesn’t write me, or the one that never phones me?” Wait, so he has two families?”

    I was thinking it was probably that he has two kids, and each of them has a family, but it’s better in this case to assume that he has two wives, and two sets of kids in different cities… one lives in Oakland. That wife as a nice booty. The other family lives in LA, of course.

    “They come to realize that the dry cleaner gave him someone else’s suit, which is much smaller, but they are all dedicated towards squeezing him into it so he can perform as Santa for the twins. ”
    Who the fuck makes a small Santa suit? It’s supposed to be roomy because Santa is a big guy, so if you’re not, you have room to shove a pillow in there. Cut the crap, Joey. You just got fat on flounder tarts (TM) and don’t want to admit it.

    “As they continue to moan and groan melodramatically while trying to stuff him into the suit, the twins, who are wandering around the full house unsupervised, stumble onto the scene and decide that Santa must be hurting their cousins (and/or sexually abusing them). Declaring that Santa is a monster, they flee in terror…. The family all work together to convince the twins that Santa isn’t scary. Danny gives them Santa shaped cookies and then DJ and Stephanie give them a stuffed Santa which they hug, causing the audience to go, “aww.” After those two brief efforts, the problem is solved.”

    You know what makes me feel better? Cookies and stuffed dolls shaped like John Wayne Gacy.

    Like

    • Angela says:

      So I feel the teensiest bit of bad for Michelle here, simply because I recall how fucking awesome and grown-up it felt to buy gifts for your family members, even if you were already kind of aware that little kid gifts generally suck. You still feel like a bad-ass exchanging real money for that thing, wrapping it to the best of your ability, and delighting in the fakey smile you receive for your efforts. But because it’s Michelle, I can only feel bad for so long before she does/says something obnoxious, and then I hate her again.

      So agreed with all of this.

      LOL at the “got fat on flounder tarts” and John Wayne Gacy comments, too.

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        It just seems kind of incongruous. Why give someone cookies and stuffed animals shaped like the thing they’re afraid of? Asshole parthenons, the whole lot of ’em.

        Like

  14. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    Michelle suuuuuucccccckkkkks at making smart purchases, which ironically may make her the best consumer ever in broadcast television.

    It always drives me crazy in sitcoms when a guest star with a rusting career appears on-screen and gets wild screams and applause. I feel like it’s inserted only because the person has become irrelevant and they want us to know they were important at some point.

    Happy Stockholm Christmas Everyone 🙂

    P.S. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out 9 x 8 today. Almost had myself convinced I was an ad for penis enlargement pills.

    Like

    • Smash says:

      Hahaha yes Non-Jerk Michelle, that’s hilarious and totally relatable! When the comment box changed to multiplication questions instead of add/subtract ones I fumbled for a shamefully long time as well.

      Like

      • Billy Superstar says:

        sorry about the hard math problems, guys. i got a lot of traffic from reddit a week or so ago and then i got a shitload of spams, like 100 a day. they can do the math problems somehow so i switched to multiplication and it got a little better. the spam has slowed a lot so i’ll probably switch it back soon. i still think it’s better than those wiggly letters that are impossible to read.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        I’ve got no problem with it-if nothing else, it forces me to exercise my brain a little bit more. Just that I haven’t done multiplication things in some time, so it takes a second :p (math was…not my strongest class memory-wise). But regardless, yeah, if it helps stop the spam and whanot, that’s fine.

        I certainly agree that it’s a hell of a lot better than those stupid scrambled letters.

        Like

      • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

        Wavy letters and apologies never!

        One x [blank] = eight I can handle

        Like

      • DawnieP says:

        So that explains the change. I don’t mind multiplication – I like math. Wavy letters suck!

        Non-Jerk Michelle – I just got that equation while posting this comment.

        Like

      • Smash says:

        No worries Billy. At least I can use my desktop’s calculator for the really tough ones, lol. Multiplication kicks it up a notch, but if it were division then I’d really be effed.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        I’ve had to break out the finger trick for the nines ones. I feel like such a dork sitting there at my computer with my fingers splayed out like that, but it’s kind of funny to think about 😀

        Like

    • Angela says:

      Glad I’m not alone in being thrown off on the multiplication things :p.

      Like

  15. Victoria says:

    I hate the “poor old man, his whole family hates him for no reason” sitcom plot. I’m not fooled. If everybody in your family hates you for no discernible reason to the point that they move states away and don’t invite you, you’re probably either an asshole or you raised a bunch of assholes. Either way I don’t feel all that bad.

    Like

    • Kimander7 says:

      Yes! If EVERYONE hates you and can’t, even in the spirit of Christmas, invite you over for a few hours, you are a total a$$hole. The FH morons get what they deserve when Mickey Rooney drinks too much and burns the house down. That would be a lesson for these self involved shet bags.

      Like

      • Corey says:

        Not to mention, as soon as someone prompts the angry old man to call his family, the family immediately welcomes him with open arms, giving the impression that the family never had anything against him and he was just a bitter old jerk who didn’t call his family.

        Like

  16. Amber says:

    Do the pictures for the older archived reviews just not work anymore or is it just my computer? I want to reread some of the old ones but it’s not the same without the screen shots! 😦

    Like

  17. SavaFiend says:

    Most ironic gift ever: candy cane toothbrush. Yes, let’s promote dental hygiene by packaging it to look like CANDY, which rots the hell out of your teeth!

    Like

    • Penny says:

      It’s an ironic gift, but okay for Danny Tanner with his adoration of all things hygienic.

      Like

      • Kristen says:

        But if Michelle had waited another week, that Candy Cane toothbrush would have been on sale- heck- another DAY! I hate seasonal-themed gifts that I get the minute they stop being seasonal. Michelle!

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Yeah, I was thinking about that too. Like handing out Halloween-themed pencils to trick-or-treaters, or giving someone a Christmas sweater on Christmas morning. You either have to use those things after the fact, or put them away for a year.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Penny & SF, I think a coffee cup with Santa Claus would have made a better gift! You toss a toothbrush after 2 or 3 months but a coffee cup can be used year round! I did buy my father a cup that said DAD on it, but my older brother claimed it and took it when he moved out.

        Like

  18. SavaFiend says:

    Aside from the fact that Mickey Rooney says he told the police not to come via a “we didn’t see it, so how do we know it really happened” phone call… Seriously, couldn’t Jesse and Michelle figure out on their own that no cops were coming? He pressed the alarm, and is showing them all these novelty items… I mean, damn, how long do the police usually take to show up in that city? Christmas holiday, and a retail store alarm goes off? I’m thinking the police would be there within maybe 10 minutes, tops. And Mickey Rooney says he made the call “20 minutes ago”? Holy shit, are Michelle and Jesse really that dense that they thought the police were still on their way?!?

    Like

  19. Lizzy says:

    I remember watching this episode as a kid and actually tearing up when Mickey Rooney talks about his family never writing or calling him. I had some weird grandpa love for him, as I was obsessed with Pete’s Dragon for most of my childhood.

    Am I the only one who thinks that novelty tie is actually pretty cool? It’s very nearly the perfect accessory for one of those ugly Christmas sweater parties, but would be better if it lit up. My dad would sport one of those in a heartbeat.

    Also… you bastard, you’ve inspired me to start a show-based blog. http://xfilesreviewed.blogspot.com. The difference is, I actually LOVED the X-Files, so we’ll see how well it stands up to rewatching now that I’m a grown-ass woman (kinda).

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      I’m kind of interested in how many show-based blogs were spawned from this one.

      Like

      • Ryan says:

        I’m waiting for someone to do CSI Reviewed.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        I’ve only seen bits and pieces of that show, but I’d still read that.

        I’d LOVE to do a blog about my favorite shows. Granted, there’d probably be just a whole lot of gushing, ’cause I’m shitty at being unbiased about that stuff, but I’d try and throw some actual critique in there…somewhere…maybe…

        Like

  20. SaCha1689 says:

    It’s just like Jermsey to lecture Mickey Rooney’s character on how family is everything without knowing the whole story of his estrangement from them. Maybe he was an abusive asshole and his grandchildren are being kept from him for their own safety. Or maybe his family are the abusive assholes and he’s well rid of them. Really, there’s a story behind this they’re not aware of. In any case, Jermsey and Michelle should not invite someone they don’t even know for Christmas. What if he robbed them or gave them toys with lead poisoning or set the house on fire?

    Like

    • Lizzy says:

      >What if he robbed them or gave them toys with lead poisoning or set the house of fire?

      The fact that none of those things happened is just proof there is no God.

      Like

    • seasoned salt says:

      SaCha, IA with your point so much. I grew up in an abusive home and I have little to no contact with most of my family members because they’re all the same unreformed, remorseless goons who made my childhood hell. I avoid big to-dos for the major holidays as a result, because my family really went all out on the asshole train on the holidays. When I say to people that I don’t care much for the holidays, they act like I have three heads. Usually telling them that my parents were abusive shuts them the fuck up. The fact that people assume that the holiday season is great and fun for everyone isn’t just a Jermsey affliction. It’s an asshole affliction, which seems to suit him just fine.

      /feelings

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Seasoned Salt, I avoid my high school reunion for the same reason you avoid family time on holidays. Those kids I went to school with were abusive a-holes to me. Why see them again? When I worked at Buy Seasons, I met someone I went to HS with and it was someone who actually was nice to me! It would have been awkward if it would have been one of the bullies. You’re better off not to associate with cruel people!

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        That’s very true. When someone tells me that there’s something that they’re just not into, I don’t question it – you can’t always tell why they’re not into it, and they may not want to talk about it. Sometimes I’ll get the question, “How can you not like Metallica?!”
        “Because Metallica is my stalker’s favorite band,” I reply, and then I usually get a very quiet “Oh.”
        Just because most people declare that the holidays are “special family time” doesn’t make it so for everyone.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Sorry to hear about your rough past. I don’t blame you at all for feeling the way you do.

        I do like the actual holidays themselves, personally, but, as noted above, in my case, retail sure knows how to suck a lot of the fun out of that time of year in and of itself for me in many ways. If some of the customers I deal with are anything to go by, you’re not at all alone in your feelings about the holiday season. I don’t know if that helps at all, but…

        Like

  21. songbird says:

    Hahahaha, this was excellent Billy. I love reading about how you got into creating this blog, I’ll be sad to see it end! 😦 Not long now!

    1. Sad as it may sound since she’s only a child (but a terrible one at that), I was glad to see the adults bitching about that novelty tie Michelle bought. At least they recognise that she isn’t a perfect little being! I half expected the rest of the episode to revolve around Michelle’s hurt feelings and the family having to come up with some kind of tactic to get her back in the Christmas Spirit.

    2. The tie totally reminds me of that episode where Stephanie gave Danny a massive tie clip that saved his life or something? Remember that?

    3. Is it just me or do the twins never age?

    Like

  22. Justin says:

    As this has become my all-time favorite blog, I have two requests:

    A) When we’re done, can we get a FAQ? Like the episode you didn’t completely hate (except for the Urkel one), which single moment you hated the most, etc.

    B) A sample Family Matters review? I’d love to hear what your take would have been on that show. I’m sure there’s enough episodes on YouTube for you to do an episode sample..

    Like

    • Angela says:

      I like both of these ideas. Particularly the FAQ one.

      Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      there’s a faq page on the site already, so you can just post a comment on there if you have a question you want me to answer. i also recently received a suggestion on the fhr fb site that i do an ask me anything on reddit. i looked into it and found out that anyone can do a casual ama so i’ll be doing one during the last week of fhr in january. ill set it up right before the second to last post and include a link in that review so people can submit whatever questions they want all week leading up to the final post.

      as for reviewing an episode of family matters, someone else was doing family matters reviewed for a while if you wanna check that out. i probably wont write any reviews myself. sorry but i’m just kinda over it.

      Like

      • Mandi says:

        I’m sure we all understand. I tried out the Family Matters blog, but, it…it just wasn’t the same.

        Like

      • Smash says:

        I agree with you Mandi. Somehow this series review thing works better with a show that can be mocked. When you actually like the show, eg. Family Matters, it just doesn’t feel as good to pick it over.

        Like

      • Alison says:

        I agree. But at the same time, I really can’t think of a single show that sucks the way full house does. I mean there’s shows that suck, but none have the same goody-two-shoe vibe that also has pushy obnoxious characters who think everyone should watch their crappy uncle crash a concert and do a crappy elvis impression in hawaii. I mean really, who’s time slot did Jesse take during that concert?? I’d be pissed.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Anything on the Disney channel or Nickelodeon right now would work nicely. Bonus points: they all somehow have to do with teens with amazing musical abilities, so you have extra things to pick on.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        I do know what you mean though, Alison. I have a lovehate relationship with the show I review, and I feel like the parts that I admit to liking, or where I point out when something works well, are less funny than the parts that make me roll my eyes. The character that I hate the most is leaving at the end of this season, and it makes me kind of sad, because I do so enjoy making fun of her.

        Like

      • Sara Wilson says:

        I have to say I agree as well- this FHR blog just seemed to fit. I’ve tried to read others and I mean no harm to anyone but they just don’t do it for me like this one does. This one just clicked. Way to go, billy!

        Like

  23. Waterlily says:

    How the mighty have fallen! Mickey Rooney goes from being the biggest star in Hollywood to guest-starring on Full House (in a span of about sixty years but it’s still kind of sad).

    Like

  24. Melanie says:

    YEAH, WHO MOVES TO OREGON FROM SAN FRANCISCO, FUCK THAT SHIT.

    😀

    As a child, I wondered why this episode was so much like the locked-in-the-gas-station-for-whoever’s-birthday. As an adult, I’m just glad (disappointed?) that Mickey Rooney’s racist Japanese neighbor impression didn’t come out.

    Also, the penis enlargement test is multiplication now? Aw man.

    Like

  25. Stacy says:

    It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the movie, so my memory could be off, but Joey in the bunny suit reminds me of that crazy ass bunny thing in “Donnie Darko”. Just creepy and no.

    Like

  26. Megan says:

    Joey dress up as a bunny because the twins were afraid of Santa but when he’s in the bunny suit there scared of the bunny. this is not one of my fave episodes of FH.

    Like

  27. Christian says:

    I was about to write a bunch of shit on how the writers wouldn’t know subtlety or cleverness if it bit them in the ass when it comes to writing about wacky misunderstandings but then that last line about Eddie Winslow made me laugh so fucking hard that I forgot what I was going to write.

    Also, the CAPTCHA on this site are now using multiplication problems?! Who the heck am I? A Beautiful Mind? I had to get a calculator for that shit!

    Like

  28. Grant Spatchcock says:

    I’m sure I’m not alone in starting to dread each new FHR, because it means we are another week closer to the end.
    I was thinking what I’ll miss the most about reading Billy Superstar’s works, and realised I’d love to know what everyone will miss the most too.

    To be honest, apart from the reviews themselves, I think I’m going to miss Vamking’s random comments, I look forward to them every week. And yes, Vamking, I think you’re English is improving, so keep it up!

    Ha, simplest multiplication ever – 1 x 3!!

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      I’m going to miss Bridget’s tangents 😀 And the suggestions for bash-fics!

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Thank you, Sarah! I’ll miss talking about how asinine these characters are! Off topic: I went to see “Carrie” with Chloe Grace Moretz as the titular character, and while she is a way better performer than the FH characters, the movie seemed to be too condensed and all! At least show Margaret and Carrie White’s back stories like they did in 2002 version!

        Like

      • Angela says:

        I’m still waiting for someone who’s brilliant with web design/site making abilities/whatever to create a place where these bash fic ideas can come to life :D.

        I too will miss Bridget’s tangents. And LTL’s well wishes for the weekend, and basically just chatting with you guys in general about whatever beyond the actual episode itself (like when we all somehow got into a discussion about horror movies and serial killers in one comment section). We need to see to it we can all still connect elsewhere online or something.

        Like

  29. Baby Lovebutton says:

    The last line made this review.
    And I think he meant that his one family (with grandkids) never writes or calls. They just worded it poorly. He may have two kids, but they’re still one family.

    Like

  30. Mandi says:

    Thanks to this wonderful blog, I have had Full House dreams for the past 3 days. I found this blog 3 weeks ago and have finally caught up. I am a huge Full House fan, I have loved this show since I was a kid and still love it now. That being said, I love this blog. It makes me sad for myself that you’re almost done, but happy for you because you’re obviously dying slowly.

    Also, I came here from Reddit, sorry about all the spam the others might have sent.

    Like

  31. seasoned salt says:

    I hated this episode so much, and not just because of the stupid old man plot. I hate the twins almost as much as I hate Michelle and this episode with their fear of Santa…I can’t, you guys. I know little kids can be freaked out by anything, but everything from their initial reactions to Santa to the family’s quarter-assed attempts to eliminate the twins’ fear made me want to throw my TV out the window. I’ve written here before about how I think the twins are dopey, ill-behaved little rats. Michelle is an easy target cos everyone hates her–with good reason!

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      SS, I totally agree with you about the twins! I think they should have hired dark-haired twin boys to be Nicky and Alex. If you recall, when Jesse and Rebecca were both dreaming of what their sons would be like as teens, those boys had dark hair. As for the Santa costume, Joey should go back to the dry cleaner and tell them the mistake. I am sure they would replace the suit or refer Joey to a place that would have extra suits. Isn’t Joey fat enough to actually be Santa?

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        I think we should just replace Joey with someone who fits in that Santa suit.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Yeah, maybe they should replace him with the more talented Jeff Daniels who looks like him. So many people think Jeff and Dave Coulier are related!

        Like

    • Alison says:

      I didn’t understand why they didn’t just forget the whole dressing as santa idea. I mean, even those kids couldn’t be dumb enough to not realize it’s joey in the suit, right? Actually, I take that back…

      Like

  32. seasoned salt says:

    Oh my lanta, you guys. I don’t know how I missed this, but there was a post about Blake McIver Ewing, aka the kid who played Derek, on one of my cherished gossip blogs. They’re as vicious as we are here and the results are glorious.

    http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com/82504912.html

    Read now. Thank me later.

    Like

  33. teebore says:

    You might even say it was a Christmas miracle.

    For us. Whatever the opposite of that is for you. 🙂

    Everyone takes a minute to talk about what a gaudy piece of shit the tie is as Michelle comes to realize that it’s a crappy present.

    So wait – did the same people who earlier placated Michelle by telling her awesome the gift was now start badmouthing it in front of her? That seems harsh, even for these assholes.

    If I ever write a movie I’m gonna make sure that the scientist agrees to go to the dinosaur island right away, with no hesitation.

    I’m going to hold you to that. Even if the movie in question has nothing to do with a dinosaur island.

    The owner of the novelty shop that Michelle bought Danny’s terrible tie from is played by Mickey Rooney, who gets one hell of an applause from the audience when he shows up onscreen.

    He was the biggest star in Hollywood from 1939 to 1940 – spanning two decades! 😉

    I mean, Jesse definitely deserves some comeuppance for being such a pushy, inconsiderate asshole, but locking them inside the store and calling the cops is pretty over the top.

    Yeah, I mean, technically, if they haven’t left the store, they haven’t stolen anything yet, so I’m not sure what his grounds for calling the cops and locking them up would be. I could walk into any store, pick something up and loudly declare “I am going to steal this”, and while the store could certainly ask me to leave, if I don’t walk out of the store with the item, I haven’t actually stolen anything.

    Rather than recognizing that as sociopathic behavior, Michelle decides that it’s a good reason to invite him to the full house for Christmas.

    Thus continuing the proud TV tradition of main characters bringing a sad stranger home for a holiday meal, like the time Brandon brought home a homeless vet for Thanksgiving on Beverly Hills, 90210 or on <i.Saved by the Bell when Zack brought home a hot homeless girl and her father for Christmas then told them they could stay with his family til the got back on their feet, only to never be heard from again.

    The family all start singing “Deck the Halls” and then Mickey Rooney walks over and holds the phone out to them

    I love that this guy is having a tearful reunion with his family so everyone decides to make him have to shout over their singing.

    Like

  34. Jamie says:

    I would be hella pissed if one of my family members came home with a random stranger to join us for a holiday dinner. That’s so awkward. For both parties. Why would he even accept the invitation? Especially after seeing first and how obnoxious and pushy they are?

    Then again, he was a total obnoxious asshole himself. The plot of him locking them in a store is so bizarre. I always thought so even when I was younger.

    I honestly just don’t know what’s weirder/ why he did what eh did and why they ever invited him back to their home.

    This episode sucks. I’ll take Jesse’s traumatizing airport speech over this shit. At least he was way hotter back then, and Michelle didn’t talk…

    Like

  35. Jamie says:

    Oh, aaand, I’d rather have a novelty cup-holder tie than a toothbrush. A toothbrush has to be the worst thing to ever get for Christmas. Ever.

    Like

    • Christian says:

      Yeah but Danny is a lame piece of white bread with OCD. He probably has a shrine full of tooth brushes. When discovered the electric tooth brush it was probably the happiest day of his life…if you know what I mean.

      Like

  36. Geonn says:

    We really need to have a collection and buy these for Billy once he’s finished with the blog. So they can live in HIS full house, never paying rent, never contributing to society, never getting a real job… the Michelle doll seems to move when you’re not looking…

    http://www.ebay.com/itm/FULL-HOUSE-FAMILY-DOLLS-COMPLETE-/121197794018?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item1c37f392e2

    Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      every once in a while i’ll get an email from someone who wants to send me some full house collectible and i try to come up with a nice way to say that i don’t want it. why would i want full house merchandise?

      i’ve been thinking that when i do the last post i’ll include a request that everyone who’s been following the blog would donate $1. if everyone who read this blog in a week contributed a dollar i’d make so much fucking money. i don’t know, though. people seem pretty weird about it if you ask for money.

      Like

      • Geonn says:

        Can’t blame you for that!

        And the donation thing is a great idea! I understand the anxiety over asking fit money, but… hey, wait a second. You’re giving us a place to come every week to gain our sustenance, a safe place where we don’t have to worry about the upkeep or paying for food or utilities, and we’re not paying you.

        If we don’t donate WE ARE ALL YOUR JOEY GLADSTONE.

        Seriously, mention that connection. You’ll get donations, believe me. I’ll be on my way to the Paypal button hating myself a little for waiting so long!

        Like

      • Billy Superstar says:

        thanks for the donation, geonn! you’re a prince, i tells ya!

        Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      I don’t think that’s a Becky doll. I think it’s Kimmie Gibbler… and right now in my head I’m thinking up a plot for a bashfic where these dolls come to life at night and stab Billy in his sleep, so I don’t think I’ll contribute to that collection. I find his work too entertaining to do that to him.

      Like

  37. Amy R. says:

    //I wish that conventional media would just give up already on people initially refusing to do things and then coming around. It’s such a waste of time. Every action movie is like that. It’s like, no one ever just agrees right away to go to outer space or a dinosaur island or whatever, they always outright refuse to go and then make you wait an extra ten minutes before they change their mind and you get to see all the cool shit you went to the movie for. If I ever write a movie I’m gonna make sure that the scientist agrees to go to the dinosaur island right away, with no hesitation.//

    Can I nerd out because I am in WRITER SCHOOL and I just learned this semester that this bullshit has a name? And is part of books about screenwriting? It is THE REFUSAL OF THE CALL TO ADVENTURE and apparently no hero’s journey type script is complete without it.

    I myself am reticent to spend any money on characters that would hesitate for even a moment about attending dinosaur island.

    Like

  38. Mimi says:

    Um, you should probably look at this: http://www.buzzfeed.com/sjlewinter/21-reasons-michelle-tanner-was-the-cutest-child-to-emh7

    Buzzfeed got it wrong today.

    Like

  39. Lisa says:

    You know, I had never given this episode much thought before, but now that I am a former retail employee I can say that this episode pisses me off. Jesse thought he could just go in an exchange an item with no receipt. Um, it doesn’t work like that. At the store I used to work, the person needs to give you their driver’s license and phone number and then they would only get back the lowest sale price. (That is the lowest price the store has sold the item at within the last few months, not the current price. That’s so someone doesn’t buy it when it’s on sale and return it when it costs more and cheat the store out of money.) However, many people are too stupid to understand that concept and complain, “That’s not what I paid for it.” And I just think to myself, “Gee if only there was an invention that could prove how much you paid for it. Oh, that’s right… It’s called a receipt and you didn’t bring it.”

    And if I remember correctly, didn’t the store owner say he remembered Michelle because she paid with a bunch of change or something like that? Yet another way they were inconsiderate customers.

    Now I’m trying to figure out the moral at the end of this episode. Is the moral that when you are a jerk to store employees you should invite them over to your house to act as a Santa Claus?

    This episode is now officially my least favorite Christmas episode of any show I have ever seen.

    Like

  40. Julia Goolia says:

    at work the other day a customer came in wearing a Jesse and the Rippers t-shirt..i told her all about your blog and to check it out

    Like

  41. Liz says:

    Hey i know Mickey Rooney, not from this christmas episode but from the Rakin Bass Christmas specials like The Year Without A Santa Clause, Santa Clause Is Coming To Town, Rudolph and Frosty Christmas ect, Man that guy is talented, Full House sucked through seasons 4-8 though I liked seasons 1-3, Wasn’t Mickey the guy on Night at the Museum as that jerk old man too? Hmmm?

    Like

  42. Sarah says:

    Wow, I really read that as Mickey Rourke at first and I was like, wasn’t he a drug addict soft porn star at this point in the 90s? Would have been better than Mickey Rooney in my opinion

    Like

  43. B says:

    So okay, first off, this blog is amazing. I just found it weeks ago and I laugh- you have made me think about recapping a early 90s show- possibly boy meets world, but I love that show and I can’t really rag on it the way you do so awesomely on this show. Anyway, love this blog. Keep going. I cannot wait to hear your take on the series finale.

    Like

  44. Taylor Kerekes says:

    Like

  45. garth gibbler says:

    you gotta admit though, this is one the few times that the b-plot turned into the a-plot at the end. BRILLIANT

    Like

  46. methylmercury says:

    Isn’t this lik3 the 3rd episode that involves Jesse and Michelle being locked up in a store during a holiday?

    Like

  47. Bridget says:

    I wonder why Michelle didn’t buy Danny a Xmas gift bag I saw in the background? Jesse could have bought it for her to put her present in for her dad!

    Like

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