Season 8, Episode 12, “DJ’s Choice”

If this episode doesn’t end up being about DJ getting an abortion I’m gonna be pretty disappointed.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle preps the twins for their day at the park by helping them practice swinging their legs so they can swing on the swings by themselves.  Pretty inspired.

As DJ and Stephanie get ready to go to the street fair, they’re greeted by Nelson and Kimmie Gibbler, who refers to Stephanie as, “El Blondo,” which gets a big laugh even though it doesn’t even mean anything.  Is it supposed to be an insult?  Maybe it’s insulting to people that speak Spanish because their language is being so poorly emulated, but I don’t know why that would bother Stephanie.  Stephanie asks Nelson what the fuck’s wrong with him that he’s decided to start dating Kimmie Gibbler but he’s like, “hell naw, I wouldn’t fuck Kimmie Gibbler with your penis,” then he starts asking DJ about her relationship with Viper.  She says that Viper’s pretty rad and then changes the subject to Kimmie Gibbler’s successful stint as a pie-eating champion.  On that note, Kimmie Gibbler opens up the fridge and just happens to find a cheesecake inside, which she promptly shoves her face into.  You know, I have nothing left to say about the pushy and presumptuous behavior that takes place inside the full house.  There are no more adjectives or synonyms.  It’s all that ever happens on this show.  It’s like if I pointed it out when they breathed air.  I’m done.

Viper shows up at the door and tells DJ that he thinks that things are moving too fast between them.  Really?  How is that even possible?  Is all the sex that they’re never having wearing him out?  Maybe instead of dating one of those wait-until-marriage chicks he wants one of those never-have-sex-ever chicks.  He tells her that they have to break up and she’s like, “what the fuck?” and then he leaves immediately afterwards.  DJ stands in the living room, stunned, and then Nelson comes in and, upon learning about what just happened, swoops in on some cheap comfort petting.  He starts caressing her and telling her that it’s ok and I just couldn’t stop staring at his gaping nostrils the whole time.  You could rent those nostrils out for like $3,000 a month in San Francisco.  They wouldn’t even have to be in a nice neighborhood.  Maybe that’s why he’s so rich.

DJ says that she feels awful and Nelson’s all, “I know how that feels,” and even though that’s totally shitty and passive aggressive of him to say, DJ take it as a cue to apologize for dumping him earlier in the Season.

Becky and Danny take Michelle and the twins to the park and discover that it’s been vandalized.  I don’t know, you guys, that pretty much just looks like your standard San Francisco public park to me.  Michelle, having never been exposed to any harsh realities of life, is taken aback and tells Danny that she wants to go home.

Back at the full house, Danny calls city hall, who tell him that there are hella vandalized parks queued up ahead of theirs that have to be restored first.  See?  That whole city is a giant shit hole.  Michelle gets all upset and says that if the park is restored, the twins will never learn “to pump,” and even though she’s referring to little kids learning how to swing on the swings, it’s really hard not to turn that phrase into a sexual innuendo.  Let’s try this one instead:  oh, they’ll learn to pump alright.  Pump gas!  Get it?  Because they’re unemployable, because of their horrible language skills.  Actually, being unqualified has never stopped anyone else in their family from getting their own tv show or club or whatever, so never mind.  Anyway, Jesse, Danny and Joey declare that they’re going to recruit the entire neighborhood and restore the park themselves.

After bringing everyone home from the street fair, Nelson starts macking on DJ super hard and then they share a steamy closed mouth kiss.

He asks her out on a date on Saturday and she agrees.  In the very next scene, DJ and Stephanie exchange some expository dialogue that informs us that DJ and Nelson have now gone out on several dates and things are going well.  DJ tries to convince herself that she doesn’t just like Nelson for his money but rather because he’s sensitive and a good listener or some shit like that.  There’s a knock at the door and DJ opens it, expecting Nelson, but Viper rushes in instead.  He tells DJ that he was a dumb ass stupid idiot to break up with her and he wants her back hella bad.  Just then Nelson walks in and he’s like, “what the fuck?”

DJ says that she can’t break her date with Nelson so the two of them leave together.  Viper declares that he won’t be passed over for some rich dipshit with a mullet and enormous nostrils and vows to win DJ back.

After their date, Nelson walks DJ home and comments on how distracted she was the whole time they were out.  She says that she’s confused because she really cared about Viper and Nelson takes it as yet another opportunity to display what a sensitive and caring fellow he is by telling her that he understands.

The second that DJ walks through the door, Viper pops out and starts serenading her with some crappy apology song that he wrote.  That’s just what Jesse always does for Becky whenever he acts like a total asshole.  Or at least he would until they got married, then he stopped trying.  Anyway, DJ is totally won over by Viper’s shitty song so they start smooching.  Nelson walks in to give DJ her big ass bouquet of flowers that she forgot and catches them and he’s like, “damn, y’all, I know that being sensitive and understanding is like my thing and everything, but this is pretty fucked up.  I seriously just left like 30 seconds ago.”  For reals, I’m not a guy that’s cool with slut shaming at all, but I do have to point out that DJ closed mouth kissing two different guys within five minutes is pretty shocking.  For her, I mean.  Not for, like, anyone else.  But for her that’s straight up promiscuous.

Both dudes start pulling on DJ and claiming her as their own and then she tells them to cut it out and give her some time to decide who she wants to continue to have a passionless relationship with.  And so, DJ finds herself torn between the sensitive rich kid and the rebellious grungy guy.  Which 1-dimensional character will she choose?  For some reason, it really feels like there’s not much at stake here.

As the neighborhood (consisting of the denizens of the full house and a bunch of anonymous extras) all pull together to restore their park, Jesse seizes the hammer that Joey is using, explaining that it’s been in his family for several generations and is very precious to him, which isn’t, like, a total set-up or anything.  Joey’s like, “fine, whatever” and goes over to use the table saw instead.  While Danny approaches Jesse for instruction on how to help with the park reparations, Jesse lays his hammer down right directly next to the table saw.  Now, you might be totally shocked by the completely unpredictable turn of events that occurs next, but check this out:  As Joey mindlessly saws wood while doing his terrible Popeye impression, he cuts right through Jesse’s hammer.  I know, I never saw it coming either.  I mean, how could that happen?  Didn’t Jesse just explain how important this hammer that we’ve never heard of before is to him?  How could it get fucked up immediately afterwards?

Jesse sees his ruined hammer and says that he’s going to kill Joey, then he chases him off screen.  Man, if he really did end up murdering him, that whole lame set up would be totally worth it.  But really I bet that they just devised this whole scenario as an excuse to run off and not help with cleaning the park.  Those guys are a couple of real lazy fucks.

After an odd, forced gag where the teeter totter gets stuck and Kimmie Gibbler is launched into a tree, Viper shows up and starts grabbing on DJ and demanding that she make her choice.  About 2 seconds later, Nelson shows up, making similar demands.  Flustered, DJ tells them that she’s been agonizing over this decision but, “it’s not like picking out a pair of shoes.  I want to make the right choice.”  Wait…but… don’t you want to make the right choice when you pick out a pair of shoes?

Nelson says that it’s ok that she hasn’t made her choice yet and then he asks her if she’s heard of the Four Seasons.  She doesn’t really know what he means but then he cues Frankie Valli to come out and lip-synch serenade DJ, which is a pretty grand effort, especially considering that he wasn’t even sure if she was a fan of his.

After Frankie Valli finishes his career-damaging performance (just ask the Beach Boys about what appearing on this shitty show does to your rep), Nelson and Viper continue to fight over DJ until she finally tells them that she’s sick of both of their shit and chooses neither of them.  Yo go, girl!

DJ goes over to the side of the sandbox to sit and mope and Becky comes over to have a very special talk with her.  DJ says that she feels hella shitty and Becky tells her that she did the right thing because if she’d been really into either of those lame dipshits then she wouldn’t have had such a hard time deciding between them.  Their very special talk is kind of hard to focus on because of all the extras in the background who are seriously cleaning the shit out of that slide.  They’ve been at it throughout the entire scene, even before Joey sawed that hammer.  How god damn clean can one slide get?  It’s just ridiculous.

The saddest part of Becky’s speech is that she tells DJ to listen to her heart and never settle, and then when DJ asks if she’ll ever meet a real special guy, Becky tells her, “I did.”  The camera cuts over to Jesse and it’s like a fucking Greek tragedy because Becky is obviously projecting onto DJ due to the fact that she married the shittiest loser on the planet.  “Never settle” my ass.  What a discouraging resolution.  You’re fucked, DJ.

Now that the park’s not all fucked up, the twins swing on the swings.  Yeah, that’s it.

Post-Credits Gag:  Wait, what?  I can only think of one other time where they pulled one of these.  I wonder what’s up with that?  Anyway, everyone goes back to the full house and talks about what a great day they had at the park. Suddenly, they notice that Joey isn’t there and wonder where he is even though him not being around is probably the main reason they had such a great day.  Jesse says that they had a little spat earlier and then I was really hoping that they’d cut to Joey’s dismembered corpse but instead we just see that Jesse staple-gunned him to the fence in the park.  It doesn’t even look like he’s hurt.