Season 8, Episode 13, “The Producer”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Usually the pre-credits gag is just some throwaway bullshit where the twins and/or Michelle do something dumb, but this is one of those cases where it’s actually just the first few minutes of the episode.  As Stephanie and DJ sit down to eat cereal from little tiny boxes for some reason, Joey decides that he’s going to eat some cookies called “Vanilla Weasels” for breakfast, which are apparently his favorite thing.  He discovers that they’re all gone and wonders who ate them all (not to mention who put an empty tin back in the cupboard.  I hate that shit so much!  Ugh that totally reminds me of like every shitty roommate I ever had.) and then DJ and Stephanie start blaming each other.  Their finger-pointing leads them to make a bet over who can go longer without eating sweets, which is the kind of wager that only people who don’t have any actual vices would make.  Joey continues to whine about his stupid cookies being all gone so Jesse says that he’ll pick some up when he takes his ugly sons to the grocery store later.  Becky reminds him not to be such a pushover at the grocery store because he apparently always buys the twins whatever they want whenever he takes them.  And that, my friends, is the end of the pre-credits gag.  I don’t know, I kind of prefer it when they’re just about the twins jumping on a bed or whatever, but I guess that’s just because it’s less effort to write about.

Danny takes Michelle to Take Your Daughter to Work Day.  As a kid, I always felt cheated that girls got to miss school on those days and I didn’t, but I guess that since every other aspect of society is unfairly balanced in my favor, I can’t really complain.  As Wake Up, San Francisco wraps up, Danny cracks some lame ass joke that makes some crew member laugh until he starts choking.  Michelle hits him on the back, which makes him cough up his food, and it’s really weird to think about how he might have died if she hadn’t been standing there.  It’s almost as weird as the idea that anyone thinks that Danny is funny.

After the show wraps, Danny walks over to Michelle and tells her about how good he is at his job.  Becky approaches them and he tells her his idea for the show next week, which is to host a Welcome Back, Kotter reunion.  She seems to think that it’s a pretty shitty idea but defers official disapproval to Mr. Strowbridge, who shows up all of a sudden for the first time in like 5 years.

This kind of blows my mind.  For all of the negligent continuity this show has featured over the years, they’ve somehow managed to have the same actor show up and play this same character whenever he’s been needed for a storyline since almost the beginning of the series.  I don’t know where anybody’s love interests have gone all those times, or even a few jobs that characters have had (remember when Joey got hired to be the voice of a character for an animated series?) but at least you can always count on good ol’ Mr. Strowbridge to show up whenever a storyline requires his presence.

Anyway, Mr. Strowbridge abruptly hires Becky as the new producer of Wake Up, San Francisco (about as abruptly as he announced the creation of the show itself, as I recall) and leads her to her new office.  Danny is clearly pretty butt hurt about being passed over for the position and then Michelle’s like, “damn, Becky’s job is hella better than yours now,” which adds mad salt to the wound.

Back at the full house, DJ and Stephanie keep tabs on each other as their no sweets bet continues.  Jesse comes home and says that the twins flipped their shit at the grocery store because they wanted some cookies and then he tries to act like he held his ground but then there’s this really clever and surprising reveal where the twins walk in and they are eating cookies.

Jesse shoos them off and then he laughs nervously and says, “ahh…the twins,” as a way of acknowledging their antics, which is an oddly meta moment.  Joey comes in and asks where his Vanilla Weasels are at and Jesse tells him that they stopped making them, which is a source of great distress for Joey.

Michelle comes home with Danny and Becky and announces to the family that Becky has been hired as the new producer of Wake Up, San Francisco.  Becky cordially says that she doesn’t know why she got the job instead of Danny, which is really nice of her, especially considering that it’s a total lie.  Even though she’s slowly become a crazier and shittier person since moving into the full house, she’s clearly much more capable then Danny, especially considering that we’ve never seen a single instance of him not being completely terrible at his job.  Everyone congratulates her and then Jesse announces that he’s going to take everyone out for dinner to celebrate.  He doesn’t mention that Becky is going to have to pay for the dinner, but I guess that’s kind of a given.  Kimmie Gibbler walks in all of a sudden and hears the big news, which launches her into about a solid minute of cutting into Danny about how much it must suck for him that Becky got hired and he didn’t.  He says that he’s totally fine with it but then he walks into the living room and admits to an empty room that he feels sorry for himself, which makes the audience go, “aww.”

As Becky works on the show in the living room, Danny sits down with her and pitches his Welcome Back, Kotter reunion idea again.  She admits that she thinks that his idea sucks dick and then Danny gets all irate and threatens to quit the show.  Becky tells him that if he quits, she’ll just have to replace him and he tells her to go right ahead.

The next scene opens with Phil Blankman, the new co-host of Wake Up, San Francisco, sitting next to Becky on the show.  He has this really grating laugh that he does constantly, which is pretty necessary in order to help us understand that he actually sucks even worse than Danny.  I would have thought that the new co-host would have to be constantly vomiting diarrhea in order for it to be clear enough that he sucks worse than Danny but that obnoxious laughing thing is surprisingly sufficient.  After a few minutes of awkward banter, the scene switches over to Becky watching the episode with the family while she asks them what they think.  They all sort of dance around the fact that Phil totally sucks ass but she gets it anyway and explains that he was all that she could find on such short notice, what with Danny abruptly quitting like a big fucking baby and everything.

Joey suggests that they just ask Danny to come back to the show and Becky explains that he’s the one who quit so it’s up to him.  I wonder how uncomfortable things will get in the full house now that they don’t work together anymore but she still lives in the attic.  It’ll also be interesting to see how things change now that Danny is unemployed and unable to support a big mob of useless people.  How long before these people start eating each other, I wonder?  Anyway, after trying to offer helpful suggestions, Joey starts whining again about how they stopped manufacturing his stupid fucking cookies, which is like the lamest subplot of all time.

Danny walks in and asks everyone what they’re watching and they’re like, “uh…nothing.”  He’s carrying a big bottle and for a second I thought that he’s been trying to drown his sorrows in sweet, sweet liquor but he’s actually just trying to pass the time by failing to make a ship in a bottle.  Yeah, in the context of this show, I guess that makes more sense.  Full House is a series that’s so g-rated that a man will only try to drown his sorrows in a bottle by building a model ship in it.

Michelle walks in and asks everyone if they want to hear her report that she wrote about Danny but he tells her that he’ll hear it later, which is pretty shocking because no one ever makes that shitty kid wait for anything.

As the family all eat dinner at a fancy restaurant, Danny acts out like a big petty asshole.  The waiter comes over and asks if anyone wants dessert, which prompts the twins to start demanding it.  Jesse tells the twins that they have to finish their dinner first, at which point it becomes conspicuous that they’re the only ones who are eating. Where’s everybody else’s food?

Anyway, the twins begin the most poorly staged tantrum in the history of television and then, as the other patrons of the restaurant start staring at the scene that’s being caused, the rest of the family urge Jesse to just give the twins some fucking dessert so they’ll cut that shit out.  Jesse, in a rare display of adroit parenting, refuses to give in and takes the twins into the other room so he can reason with them.

The waiter asks the table if anyone else would like some dessert and then Joey starts whining yet again about those fucking cookies.  Michelle orders a big brownie, which DJ and Stephanie eye desperately, which leads to them making a truce by agreeing to both break their no sweets bet at the same time.  Finally, they share a piece of cookie crumble cheesecake while making unsettling moaning sounds.

Jesse comes back with the twins, who agree to stop being so shitty and eat their dinner.  I have to say, I really am amazed by this unprecedented display of capable parenting on Jesse’s part.  DJ and Stephanie ask the waiter what their cheesecake was made with and he tells them that they used their very last box of Vanilla Weasels.  Joey hears this and straight up launches himself across the table so he can start licking their plate, reaffirming a point that no one would have doubted, which is that his public behavior is even more shameful than the twins’.

The waiter suddenly recognizes Becky from Wake Up, San Francisco and asks what’s up with the shitty ass new co-host, who is shockingly even worse than Danny.  Becky and Danny start arguing again and it gets pretty heated, once again disturbing the entire restaurant (that’s the third time in about 4 minutes.  No wonder the twins don’t know how to conduct themselves in public.  No one in their entirely family does.).  Jesse, on a roll after not being a total fuck-up for once, intervenes by telling them that they love each other and Danny needs to admit that he got jealous so they can move on.  Danny tries to defend himself by saying that he wasn’t jealous and then, no fooling, Joey says, “come on, Danny, everybody gets jealous.  You just got jealous because Becky got a promotion.  Heck, I get jealous because people have, uh…girlfriends.  Their own apartments.  Lives.”  Holy shit, they actually said it!  Finally, some acknowledgement of what a bizarre loser Joey is!  I’m in awe of this moment!

Danny admits that he was being a shithead and says that he was just upset because he got passed over in front of Michelle.  Michelle asks if she can read her report now and he says sure, so she pulls it out from under the table, where she’d been keeping it that whole time for some reason.

The music comes on as she reads some really dishonest, contrived horseshit about what a great talk show host her lame dad was and then he kisses her while the audience goes, “aww.”  Becky tells him that she also thinks that he’s super great and asks him to come back to the show and he’s like, “sure,” and then they hug and the audience goes, “aww” again.