Season 8, Episode 15, “My Left and Right Foot”

Pre-Credits Gag: The girls all go to a shoe store at the mall.  Kimmie Gibbler takes her shoes off and the salesman is disturbed by how bad her feet be stankin’ and finds a notice behind the counter that says that she’s banned from the store.  The salesman then measures Michelle’s feet and comments about how “healthy” they are, which prompts all the girls to make jokes about how freakishly fast her feet are growing.  Even though this seems like the most disposable content in the history of pre-credits gags, it’s actually a crucial scene that sets up the premise of the episode.  I don’t know why the pre-credits gags have been so essential to the episodes lately any more than I can comprehend why we’re about to watch an entire episode about Michelle’s feet.

The dads all sing a harmonized lullaby to the twins and then Becky joins in and boy does she suck at singing!  After they put the twins to bed, Becky starts raving about how great they sounded and planning for nightly bedtime performances.  She abruptly goes downstairs and then Jesse starts talking about what a big problem her shitty singing is.  Wait… how is he just now learning about this?  And who really gives a shit if she sucks at singing, anyway?  But, also, I can recall at least one previous occasion in which her singing was just fine.  I definitely remember that she sang at their wedding, and I think maybe she sang in one of the telethon episodes, too.  Jesse continues to worry about how to improve her singing for when they perform for their two little kids who don’t even give a shit about how she sounds and he decides that he’ll figure out a way to discreetly give her instruction without her realizing it.

Michelle looks in the “Children’s Book of World Records” (presumably because they weren’t going to pay Guinness to use their name) to see what the world’s biggest feet look like because she’s sure that she’ll be the next to take the title.  Stephanie comes in to ask her what she’s doing and Michelle says that she’s going to sleep and then Stephanie says that she’ll see her in the morning and leaves the room.  Wait… how come Stephanie’s just going about her business but it’s Michelle’s bedtime?  I guess that maybe it makes sense that Stephanie has a later bedtime because she’s older… but why was Stephanie in this scene at all?  Her presence has no function.  Anyway, Michelle goes to sleep, which prompts a dream sequence.

First Michelle is plagued by floating head clips from the pre-credits gag, then there’s a full-fledged dream sequence where she’s dressed like a clown for some strange reason.  Even by dream logic I think that’s pretty weird.

After a series of gags that include really odd, cartoony sound effects, Michelle takes off her big clown shoes and reveals equally enormous feet. The sight of them makes Jesse say, “have mercy.”

Everyone makes a bunch of lame jokes about how big her feet are and then there are some really unimpressive (even for network television in the 90’s) special effects of them growing even more.

Everyone runs in fear as her feet switch from really bad special effects to practical effects and overtake the kitchen.

Joey decides to tickle her feet as a means of defense and then there’s a cut to Michelle in bed and I thought that the feet tickling would be explained by the dog licking them or something but there’s actually no explanation at all.  Michelle wakes up and looks at her feet and discovers that they’re still enormous.

This turns out to be one of those dream-within-a-dream things that happen on tv so often.  Michelle starts screaming and Stephanie, who has come back in the room and gone to sleep since we last saw her, wakes Michelle up.  Stephanie tells her to chill the fuck out because everything’s fine but then Michelle looks down at her feet and says, “I’m not fine.  I’m a big foot freak,” which is too ridiculous to make the audience go, “aww,” even though they’re usually total rubes for these abrasively manipulative act breaks.

Lisa, who we haven’t seen in a while, walks into Michelle’s room and finds her measuring her feet.  Michelle tells her about the totally ridiculous premise of the episode and Lisa says that she can help her shrink her feet.

Becky comes upstairs and tells Jesse that she’s written a list of songs to sing to the twins because she’s just so excited about singing all of a sudden.  Jesse says that he’s written her a special part that he wants to practice with her, which is of course a ruse so he can secretly coach her.

He starts to instill a militaristic regime of techniques that involve frantically pinching her face and correcting her posture and pretty quickly she realizes that he’s trying to give her a singing lesson.  She admits that she’s not a great singer and asks who it’s hurting (which is a perfectly valid point) and he tells her that as a professional musician her singing offends his ear, which is pretty goddamn shitty if you ask me (especially since referring to himself as a professional musician is a real stretch).  Man, she’s put up with him being terrible at every single thing that he does for years, but now that she’s suddenly not good at something that’s pretty incidental he totally can’t handle it.  What an asshole.  He tells her that she can’t take criticism and then she lays into him with a string of unfavorable adjectives that are pretty tame, although quite racy for this show.  Even though I’m proud of her for finally calling him out on his bullshit, I’ve been waiting for this outburst for quite a few years and now that it’s finally arrived it’s pretty underwhelming.  The phrase “greasy, unemployed piece of shit” is conspicuously absent.

Meanwhile, Lisa wraps Michelle’s feet in shrink wrap and then convinces her to stand in ice water.

Becky finishes reading a story to the twins and then they ask her to sing them a song.  She self-consciously refuses but then their hypnotic, unintelligible droning requests finally convince her.  She starts to sing to them, sounding remarkably different than she did before (she’s not great or anything, but she’s not delivering over-the-top off-key notes like she was in all the previous scenes, either), and then Jesse comes in and listens to her.  She stops singing when she sees him but he encourages her to continue, then the music comes on as he says that he wasn’t considering the love that was behind her singing before and didn’t realize how beautiful it was.  But…she really did sound totally different before.  I’m confused… is this like artistic license or something?  Are we supposed to be experiencing Becky’s singing through Jesse’s subjective lens or something?  Anyway, Becky and Jesse both apologize to each other because the music’s on (the healing power of music being an overt theme here) and then they make out while the twins watch.

The twins start crawling on them while they make out and then Jesse grabs them and insists that they have a 4-way kiss, which I have nothing to say about.

DJ and Stephanie walk in on Michelle standing in ice water and they’re like, “what the fuck is wrong with you, you big weirdo?”  There’s some commotion and then Danny and Joey come in to see what all the fuss is.  Joey sees the bucket of ice and puts some in his glass of sarsaparilla and takes a big sip but then when Stephanie explains that the ice was being used to soak Michelle’s feet he does maybe his first appropriate spit take in the entire series.

Once Michelle admits to Danny that she has some weird complex about her feet, Stephanie and DJ take responsibility and apologize for making fun of her during the pre-credits gag.  I guess it makes sense that she’d be so unaccustomed to any sort of teasing or behavior that wasn’t totally bent in her favor that she’d completely freak out the second anyone gave her a hard time.

Danny tells an uninteresting anecdote about how he used to be teased for being tall, making the point that everyone is different and it’s nothing to be ashamed of (except that Danny totally should be ashamed of being the way he is.  Maybe not physically, but in every other way for sure.).  Joey says that his head is shaped like a toe, which is why kids used to say that he was “toe headed,” and then Danny patronizingly explains that “towheaded” is an expression used to describe kids with very blond hair.  I guess you can’t really blame Danny’s tone here because how the fuck did Joey go his whole life without learning that?  Anyway, Danny tells Michelle that she’s beautiful and normal and then they hug and the audience go, “aww.”  So, there you go: as long as you’re beautiful and normal, there’s nothing to worry about.

That was the fucking dumbest episode ever. It wasn’t the worst, but those were definitely two of the most ridiculous premises in the history of the show.  Either one would have been a real stretch as a b-story in any episode, but putting them together like that was a real achievement in absurdity.

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137 Responses to Season 8, Episode 15, “My Left and Right Foot”

  1. Rudy Zoltek says:

    Becky’s o-face… Nice grab

    Like

    • Alison says:

      I love how Jesse’s looking at her all like “You’re making that face and we’re not doing it… Were you faking it this whole time??”

      Like

    • RachWho? says:

      I was going to post the exact same thing. Seeing it made me happy that, through all this painful bullshit, Billy still can possibly get a little bit of pleasure from Aunt Becky’s sweet, sweet ass.

      Like

    • Yes, both of the screen caps of Rebecca Donaldson-Cochran-Katsopolis made me think very, very naughty thoughts. Excuse me for a few minutes. I’ll be right back.

      Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      We seem to have a lot of O-face this season. But based on the shocked/disgusted look on Jermsey’s face, I think we can all guess that he’s never seen it before. Probably because he gets his rocks off, then rolls over and goes to sleep. After fretting about his hair.

      Like

  2. Bridget says:

    Billy, I am giving a presentation about over active growth hormone and the only way Michelle’s feet can be obscenely large is if she had enlarged pituitary gland. Robert Wadlow, now there was a man with huge feet! As I said before, if extreme cold made people’s feet shrink, the Polar Bear Club would all have baby-sized feet!

    Like

  3. Pink Dork says:

    As stoooopid as the giant plastic foot prop was, it was rendered even stoooopider by the absurdly mature polish color. No self-respecting 7-year-old paints her toes in any shade that doesn’t come from the color wheel we can refer to as The Small Box of Crayon Colors: especially red, purple, and pink; and if she was really feeling all cray, she’d use the darker colors: green, blue, and black.

    Also: Portland road trip! I’m so in!

    Like

  4. Christian says:

    Y’all remember when Marcia and Cindy Brady made fun of Jan’s giant feet and Jan freaked out about it so she tried to hide them through wacky means? No? That’s because even the Brady Bunch knew it would be too stupid to do an episode about something no kid would ever freak the fuck out about. Instead they did storylines about Jan’s freckles and hair. You know, things that kids in real life would actually be self conscious about! Say what you will about the Brady Bunch but at least they were never retarded enough to do a big feet episode.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Christian, as a Bradyphile, I don’t remember that episode! Bobby was self-conscious when everyone thought he was too short and that was the extent of it!

      Like

      • MalloryPike says:

        You didn’t see it because it doesn’t exist. Which is what her post said…

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        MalloryPike, I do know they never did a feet episode on the Brady Bunch. Of course there might be one with the lost episodes of the show! One never knows!

        Like

  5. Alison says:

    I hate this episode. Let’s take the most annoying character and make a show about her most disgusting body part we can get away with talking about on a g-rated TV show. Really writers? Really??

    Like

  6. Jonny says:

    Can anyone else watch any sitcom WITHOUT

    Like

  7. Jonny says:

    wow. computer freaked out. What I was going to say is can anyone watch any sitcom WITHOUT imagining a commentary track. I like Modern Family but the other day I was watching and couldn’t help but notice all the rediculous plot points and continuity fails. Keep up the good work, Billy

    Like

  8. Jonny says:

    wow. computer freaked out. What I was going to say is can anyone watch any sitcom WITHOUT imagining a commentary track. I like Modern Family but the other day I was watching and couldn’t help but notice all the rediculous plot points and continuity fails.

    Like

  9. RachWho? says:

    Joey’s head does look like a toe.

    Like

  10. Angela says:

    Loved the rant about the whole Jesse/Becky plotline-I’d forgotten about that part of this episode, and reading it in this review, wow, it’s definitely a ridiculous story. Becky’s not a musician like Jesse, so who really cares if she sounds bad when she sings? And if the worst trait Jesse can find about Becky is that she’s not that great a singer (and good point about the moments in the show in the past where she HAS sang and hasn’t sounded too bad), then…what is he complaining about, again?

    Definitely remember the Michelle storyline, though. And it’s…yeah. It’s there. And it’s weird. That’s about all I can say about it.

    Joey says that his head is shaped like a toe, which is why kids used to say that he was “toe headed,” and then Danny patronizingly explains that “towheaded” is an expression used to describe kids with very blond hair. I guess you can’t really blame Danny’s tone here because how the fuck did Joey go his whole life without learning that?

    Well, it IS Joey we’re talking about here, after all.

    (Granted, I actually hadn’t known about that term until this episode, either…but then again, I don’t have blonde hair.)

    Like

  11. Penny says:

    I remember them saying Michelle wore a size 13. Which, for an 8-year-old, is NOT big. My sister was Michelle’s age, and she was actually on the smaller size for her age, and SHE wore a bigger shoe size than that at the time.

    Like

    • DawnieP says:

      When I was 7, I wore a women’s size 7 shoe. I was never teased in school about my feet. Maybe because I was tall for my age. Now as an adult, I wear a women’s size 9. I guess you can say I grew into my feet.

      Like

    • SavaFiend says:

      Yeah, that’s really about average shoe size for that age. My son is 5 and wears a size 13. My daughter is 10 now, but she wore a size 12 when she was 8, and her feet were (and still are) pretty tiny for her age.

      Like

    • TayciBear says:

      My five year old wears a 13 and I’m pretty sure I wore a 5 by age 7.

      Like

  12. Ryan says:

    Nice grab of Becky’s O-face.

    And both of these story lines were completely pointless. They don’t add anything to the overall show.

    Like

  13. Jimbone says:

    It seems to me that there was a big footed episode in the earlier seasons too. Only that episode featured stephanie as the “freak”. They even called her Step-on-me Tanner. AMIRITE!?

    Like

    • Jimbone says:

      Aww I’m not right. Step-on-me was just a way of making fun of her name…not her shoe size. Shame on me for thinking this show would re-use a plotline.

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        I do remember Step-on-Me because she selected Dawn as an alternate name, and asked Danny, “How can anyone ever make fun of a beautiful name like Dawn?” And Danny responds by singing a popular song (can’t remember the name) using only the word “Dawn”. I remember feeling so bad for girls named Dawn at that moment. I mean, I know that Danny was only trying to prove to Stephanie that people are going to find way to make fun of other people no matter what, but now all of those girls had to contend with the fact that a very popular show had just handed everyone at school another way to make fun of them. Had I known the word “asswipe” at that age, I would have labeled Danny as such.

        Like

      • Frank says:

        It was the Bonanza theme song.

        Like

      • Comet says:

        “Dawn-ald Duck” and “Dawn-er & Blitzen”. Double burn.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        THAT WAS IT! My God, that was driving me nuts. I could hear it in my head, but couldn’t recall what it was called/what it was from.
        Thank you, Frank

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Kind of makes me glad that I have the name I do. I can’t think of any silly jokes one can make with my name (or if there are any, I was fortunate enough not to hear them).

        Like

      • Baby Lovebutton says:

        I have the same name as you do–and I can’t stand it! No one ever made fun of it, I just never liked the sound of it. So, needless to say, I felt Stephanie’s pain.

        And I loved the fact that her new middle name was Ariel. Totally deliberate reference to Little Mermaid there.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        I was kind of “eh” on the name at times when I was younger, but now I like it. Most people call me Angie, though, so…*Shrugs*. If I were ever going to change my name, however, I’ve always been rather fond of Lydia.

        Agreed on the ‘Little Mermaid’ reference. Ariel is a nice name, too.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Sarah, my SIL is named Dawn and no one ever teased her about her name! VC Andrews wrote a book called “Dawn.”. Off topic: they are remaking “Flowers in the Attic” with Heather Graham as Corinne and Ellen Burstyn as the grandmother. I hope it’s better than the 1987 movie! They will have incest between Chris and Cathy in this one. The girl who is Cathy in the movie was Don Draper’s daughter in “Mad Men.”

        Like

      • Terrell says:

        My first name sounds like terrible without the B, and yet I was never made fun of for my name.

        Like

  14. Michelle's acting coach says:

    Shouldn’t prominent members of a Science Club understand that you can’t shrink body parts with plastic wrap and ice water? Or maybe they were just confused because this scenario involved neither hard-boiled eggs nor glass bottles.

    Like

    • Lisa says:

      Perhaps they were going to learn all about shrink wrap, ice, and the effects they have on the foot at the museum last week but Joey took took them to a Sports Bar instead. If only they had known, we could have avoided this episode completely. Way to go Joey.

      Like

    • Comet says:

      Cold water only shrinks one body part. And it’s not feet.

      Like

  15. Smash says:

    Dumbest storyline EVER. Holy shit. 22 minutes of pure agony, that’s what this episode is.

    It’s ironic to me that Jesse is the one looking at Becky like she’s the hugest pile of shit she’s ever seen. We’ve all been waiting for the day that she’ll wake up and finally cast a disdainful look his way when she realizes what a complete turd she married.

    Like

  16. Boy, that shoe salesman really creeps me out. The way he’s lovingly and tenderly holding Michelle’s foot… commenting about how “healty” they are… Gross.

    “Lisa, who we haven’t seen in a while, walks into Michelle’s room and finds her measuring her feet. Michelle tells her about the totally ridiculous premise of the episode and Lisa says that she can help her shrink her feet”

    I was really hoping that Lisa’s technique was going to be like Chinese foot wrapping. How gratifying would it have been to see Lisa take a big hammer, break both of Michelle’s feet at the midway point, fold them and then wrap them up really tight? Wouldn’t that have just made your year, Billy? Maybe even made this whole project worth it – suffering through all of these awful episodes, that would be one Hell of a payoff!

    Like

    • I just noticed that in that screen cap of the pre-credits gag, there is a comically large Chuck Taylor shoe in the background. FORESHADOWING. I think the director of this episode put a little too much thought into this, the most pointless episode of the series yet.

      Like

      • Lisa says:

        Someone must’ve lost a bet in the prop room — “I bet you can’t integrate all these ridiculous and completely pointless foot-related props into a prime time television show.”

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        OMG, that’s exactly how I feel most episodes go! Like they were all done on a dare. “I dare you to write in a pet turtle for Jermsey!”
        “Oh, yeah? Well, I dare you to write in Michelle buying a donkey!”

        Like

      • Oh Mylanta says:

        “Oh yeah? I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU to write about Jesse and Joey taking Michelle and her friends to a sports bar on Super Bowl Sunday!”

        Like

      • Comet says:

        Ugly sweater, Air Bud, Kareem Abdul Jabaar. Go.

        Like

    • Angela says:

      That Chinese foot-wrapping thing suddenly made me think of the scene from ‘Misery’, which I imagine would’ve worked for many here as well.

      (For those who haven’t seen the movie-SPOILER: There’s a scene where Kathy Bates’ character puts a block of wood in between James Caan’s feet, takes a sledgehammer, and whacks away at his ankles. Yeeeeeeeah.)

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Angela, I did see that scene! WOOOOOW! I read “The Good Earth” and they used to bind little girls’ feet in China all the time and that was creepy!

        Like

      • Angela says:

        It’s painful as hell to watch, that’s for sure.

        I’ve heard about some places doing that, yeah. Thank fucking God I’ve never had to live in a society that did that. The most I want anyone doing with my feet is massaging them.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Angela, so many elderly Chinese ladies who had to go through foot binding as children are now suffering the effects of it! Strange what passes for beauty in cultures outside of America!

        Like

      • Anisky says:

        A lot of strange things pass for beauty INSIDE America, too.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Lisa says:

        Thank you, Anisky. Words out of my mouth. Ethnocentrism is alive and well, apparently.

        Like

      • SavaFiend says:

        Still wasn’t as horrific as the book, where the psycho character actually chopped off the imprisoned author’s foot. Man, that was a vivid scene!

        Like

      • Angela says:

        *Cringes and clutches her own feet in horror* OH MY GOD EW! Yikes.

        (And yet now I want to read the book. So…thanks :p?)

        Like

  17. Oh, and who the F walks into a room – a bedroom no less – sees a bucket of ice water on the floor and uses the ice in a beverage.

    Also, if he needed ice for his drink, why didn’t he get some out of the freezer when he was in the kitchen getting his beverage in the first place? He got all the way upstairs before he realized he needed ice in it?

    Personally, I put the ice the glass first. If you do it last, there might only be room for a little ice. If you do it first, you can easily adjust the amount of liquid you pour in and get to have the right amount of ice.

    I beg to differ, BIlly. This was not an appropriate use of a spit take, because the circumstances setting it up are so absurd.

    Like

  18. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    The final comment of “That was the fucking dumbest episode ever.” sums it up quite nicely.

    Something I remember from this episode is Michelle’s snotty, shivery “Duh” when asked about why she was soaking her feet in ice. Nothing about that logic makes sense, guess they should have gone to the museum after all and learned something!

    Michelle’s lucky to not have been teased this long by her sisters when she’s been a dick to them all along. I once got a mosquito bite on my face and my brothers called me Klingon. Get over it, older siblings have the license to point out your hideous monster feet.

    Like

    • Angela says:

      Michelle’s lucky to not have been teased this long by her sisters when she’s been a dick to them all along.

      Seriously.

      Also, speaking as the older sibling in my family, you are correct. I got quite the mileage out of teasing my sister when I was a kid.

      Like

  19. Alicia says:

    Oh man, the foot episode! I’ve been waiting for this one; it is just so, so bad. It’s totally not a normal thing to be freaking out about, I always had the biggest feet among my friends (and still do for the most part), but I was never embarrassed, nor did anyone ever make fun of me. I forgot about Becky’s bad singing, there are so many issues with that story line I don’t know where to begin. Great write-up Billy!

    Like

  20. Jamie says:

    Seriously, dumbest episode EVER.
    While this show has, of course, always been dumb and terrible, at least the plot-lines used to try and have some serious or helpful/ relatable message.

    Not gonna lie, I always used to kind of laugh at the scene where Michelle’s huge foot goes through the door…

    And yeah, I ALWAYS wondered why they decided to make Becky an over-the-top bad singer all of a sudden, when there’s a prominent scene of her singing at the telethon and she does just fine.

    And why does she randomly get decent when singing to the twins by herself? Maybe Jesse’s horrible 2 seconds of coaching paid off? Are we supposed to believe he actually did something successfully in his terrible life?

    There’s no plausible way that in real life, Becky would stay with Jesse. He went from a sexy dude with a job in advertising, who always chased after her and tried to spoil her, to a huge greasy loser who was nasty as fuck, and who’s career resorted to him singing with an oldies band in the airport terminal. I know divorce must be too risque of a plot for Full House, but hey we’ve dealt with multiple deaths, child abuse, smoking, and of course, that one time that DJ knew some kids who drank beer.

    Like

  21. teebore says:

    But, also, I can recall at least one previous occasion in which her singing was just fine.

    I find the lack of attention to continuity details like this shocking and appalling.

    he decides that he’ll figure out a way to discreetly give her instruction without her realizing it..

    Sure, that has no chance of ending in disaster Jermsey.

    especially since referring to himself as a professional musician is a real stretch

    My thoughts exactly.

    Man, she’s put up with him being terrible at every single thing that he does for years, but now that she’s suddenly not good at something that’s pretty incidental he totally can’t handle it.

    In Jermsey’s defense, she knew he was a goo-for-nothing lout when she married him, just as he knew she was perfect and awesome. So for her to suddenly not be perfect at something, I mean, it’d be like her suddenly saying she wasn’t going to support his worthless ass. She’s breaking the tacit agreement on which their marriage is built.

    Are we supposed to be experiencing Becky’s singing through Jesse’s subjective lens or something?

    That’s sure what it sounds like, but man, I’m not sure this show is capable of doing something that “complex”.

    The twins start crawling on them while they make out and then Jesse grabs them and insists that they have a 4-way kiss

    Thus getting this episode labeled (I assume) as child pornography in some countries…

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      T, may I just say how much I’ve always admired your profile pic? It’s as though each week you are introspectively examining the episode and finding it lacking. I snicker each time your lists come up, if for nothing more than that 😀

      Like

      • teebore says:

        Ha! Thanks Sarah. Credit as to go to my brother – he actually drew the picture for me years ago, during the height of Lost, when I was doing weekly episode reviews on my blog (if I pulled back the camera, so to speak, you’d see I was wearing a Dharma coat).

        Since then I’ve adopted it as my general purpose internet avatar.

        Like

    • Bridget says:

      Teebore, you are very good at notice things we miss!

      Like

  22. Bubba Santoni says:

    This is probably the saddest I’ve ever felt for you reviewing an episode Billy.
    I don’t think they’d make an episode this insane on Nick Jr. How did this get good ratings?
    Anyway yeah Becky sang that song with Danny during the telethon when Joey, surprise surprise, goofed up a magic trick and kept her cut in half in the box until the very end of the song
    Lastly, come on I think we’ve all had a 4 way kiss with our mom, dad, and brother before. Totally normal and not disgusting to see, especially for the twins real parents on set.
    Bubba Santoni

    Like

  23. howrude says:

    great review as always. even to me watching this episode when i was younger it was disturbing and i can safely say now that hasn’t changed one bit.

    Like

  24. Dr. Bitz says:

    I swear that some writer/director on Full House has a foot fetish.

    Anyway, Lisa’s feet look pretty big in that screen capture too. Or maybe it’s just her shoes that are big. I don’t think those brown shoes go very well with that green outfit either. I’m also not sure if going with a solid dark green outfit is the right way to go. This is most time I’ve ever spent analyzing somebody’s wardrobe…and it’s like an 8-year-old. I should move on.

    “The twins start crawling on them while they make out and then Jesse grabs them and insists that they have a 4-way kiss, which I have nothing to say about.”

    Yes you do. You’re just choosing not to.

    Like

    • Jacob says:

      Maybe I just have a perverted mind, but the whole dream sequence seems like a combination of about 4 or 5 different fetishes. A little girl, dressed as a clown for no discernible reason, has rapidly growing feet that are eventually tickled, also for no discernible reason. I wouldn’t be surprised if this whole episode was made just so the writers could put their fetishes on national television for a couple minutes.

      Like

  25. Oh Mylanta says:

    When I was in elementary school, the bigger the shoe size, the better. You BRAGGED about having big feet, just like you bragged about being taller than your friends. I don’t know what the fuck Michelle’s freaking out about.

    This is one of those episodes where I slap myself for having a crush on Uncle Jesse when I was little now that I realize what a giant dickwad he was. John Stamos himself, though? …Yeah, I still would.

    Like

  26. Corey says:

    In my opinion, this is hands-down the worst episode of the series, and that’s saying something.

    Next week’s, however, probably holds the record for the most implausible storyline ever, even over the donkey episode. Good luck and godspeed, Billy.

    Like

  27. Sarah Portland says:

    It’s still NaWriNoMo, so…

    I had been having some problems with my homegirl DJ of late. See, she had been seeing this rich guy with giant nostrils, but then she ditched him and started going out with this hottie rocker boy instead. So I went out with the rich boy. I know I was totally the rebound chick, but dude was rich, so I was okay with that. It’s not like I could see myself marrying a guy with schnoz parts that big, anyway. But then the hottie rocker breaks up with DJ, and Schnoz goes running back to my homegirl to pat her on the back and shit. I guess he still had a heart on for her, which sucks for me, but it’s not the end of the world. He was not the best kisser, to tell you the truth. Rocker hottie comes running back, and now she has to choose, hottie or Richie Rich. Homegirl chooses neither! How is that even….? I dunno. I mean, boys are fun, and there are lots of reasons to do stuff with ’em. Two of the best ones are: they’re hot or they’re rich. And she picked NONE. What the what?
    Later, we had a good talk.
    “Kimmie,” she says, “I’m sorry Richie Rich broke up with you to get with me.”
    “Meh,” I replied. “Did you know that he can pick his nose with his thumb? I mean, yeah, that could win him some cash and prizes on AFHV, but that was a little weird even for ME.”
    I asked her why she ditched both of them, and she said that she just wanted to focus on herself for awhile, but to be honest, I think her aim is to become a sister wife, so she won’t have to perform “wifely duties” as often. I mean, she already dresses like she is, and a few weeks ago, I called her bitch in a funny, friendly way, and she went all “Oh mylanta!” and shit on me. She’s gotten progressively less fun (and less funny) over the years, but she’s still my homegirl, and when she finally decides to rebel and goes on a drug-and-alcohol bender, I will totally be there to hold her hair while she pukes, and then draw on her face with Sharpie when she passes out. That’s what BFFs are for, yo.
    So we’re cool right now, and we go to the mall to hang. Only we have to take her two sisters. The middle one is okay, she has some cool friends, but the youngest one is some kind of evil crotch-dropping. She thinks she’s the be-all end-all and every person in their dumb house agrees with that, for whatever reason. Honestly, I think she’s snuck into their rooms at night and given them all lobotomies. They’re just shy of drooling and slurring “yes, master” at everything she says. So I’m totally down to laugh at her sorry ass whenever I can. Speaking of sorry asses, did I ever tell you the story of how I got her to buy a fucking donkey? It’s hilarious.
    I have no idea why we’re at the mall with Tanner the Younger and Tanner the Evil, but we are. Clearly, I’m the only one that’s stylin’ at all, in my Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. Deej is wearing the most boring thing ever: denim jacket over… jeans. Way to mix it up, homie. Middle Child Syndrome is kind of workin’ a plaid maxi dress with a little sweater, which is okay. But Troll Doll is wearing the same thing as Deej, only pink. Thinkin’ inside the Mime Box, dumbass.
    We go into a shoe store. I guess Troll Doll needs new shoes or something. Why the fuck didn’t her dad take her for shoes? Or those useless goons that live with her? And why does she even need new shoes? I guess they care about her having shoes that fit or some shit. Whatever.
    I spy some kicks that are super-choice and I take off my shoes to try some on. But then this dick with a Billy Ray Cyrus mullet is all, “Put your shoes back on!” and he shows me this paper that says I’m banned from the store. Dafuq? I was banned from the store across town, not this branch! I’ve never been in this store! Seriously, this guy can go fuck himself. You just lost a huge sale on Odor-Eaters, dipshit.
    Then the best thing ever happens: Mullet Man measures Troll Doll’s feet, caressing them lovingly, and telling her that her feet are super-healthy, and I swear any minute now he’s gonna suck her toes and ask her to star in some foot fetish porn. This, of course, means that we can give her some shit about how big her feet are. Personally, I wanted to make fun of her for being the object of Mullet Man’s secret fapping fantasies, but then Homegirl would have stopped talking to me, because she wants to pretend that no one has ever fapped ever in the history of fucking ever. So I joined in when they gave her shit about having big-ass Sasquatch feet. Because with this little bitch, I’m not get picky about how I fling shit at her. I’m just gonna do it.

    Like

  28. Nick says:

    I was wondering when this shit stain would emerge. The thing that took me back was the pre credits gag when the see her feet are “Big” and start making just worthless jokes like ” Hey michelle can you go water skiing barefoot” chuckle chuckle. And then the giant ass hi top from her dream sequence too with stephanie saying do you have these in a size bigger?” just awful. Although the shrink wrap and ice definitely seemed plausible to me as a youngster…

    Like

  29. lovetolaugh says:

    What a ridiculous episode. Michelle’s big feet? REALLY, writers? Even if he feet were actually big as they were in the dream sequence, that would be, like, number 544 on the list of things wrong with Michelle.

    I mean, I guess I can see how self-acceptance is a good theme for an episode of a show like this. But why did they have to involve feet?

    Jesse is a horrendous asshole. He really, truly is. How DARE Becky not be perfect at something? A decent husband w

    Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      Sorry, posted too soon by accident!

      A decent husband would think it was endearing if his wife wanted to sing to their children despite not having a great voice. Jesse just views it as a flaw that the must fix. Gross.

      Hey Jesse? Remember that time you sucked balls at:

      1. Getting a record deal
      2. Being kind to people
      3. Paying rent
      4. Reciting “Oh Captain, my Captain”
      5. Differentiating your own twins from one another
      6. Paving the driveway
      7. Helping out around the house
      8. Hosting a radio show
      9. Ice skating
      10. Promoting that hair-spray protection item
      11. Dancing
      12. Basketball
      13. Finding Michelle’s lost bike

      That’s the short list. Jesse sucks at so much in life, and yet he has the gall to look down on his wife for not being perfect?

      Like

      • Angela says:

        I love everything about this post.

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Thank you, Angela! I’ve missed it around here, job training is still going on and I’ve been slacking with FHR.

        How are you? Hope all you readers/commenters have a fantastic weekend!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        LTL, good luck with the job training! I am sure you don’t suck oysters at the training like Jesse does in life! In Jesse’s defense, he did recite the first lines of “O Captain, my Captain” right but bombed the rest. I try to be the anti-Jesse in my life too. I am still working at wal-mart and my classes are almost done and I am working hard at those as well!

        Like

      • Angela says:

        You’re welcome! Good to have you pop in! Hope the job training’s going well :).

        I’m mainly just exhausted right now. Feeling the beginnings of a cold kicking in, so I’m trying to combat that ahead of time before it goes any further. And I’ve been working a lot of long hours lately (“Start of the holiday retail season, woooooo,” she said with absolutely no enthusiasm). I did an 8 hour shift today and we were hellaciously busy with customers and dear god I was tired by the end of the day. And I have tomorrow to get through as well.

        BUT…after 6 pm tomorrow I have a decent stretch of days off for a bit. And I don’t work next weekend at all. So needles to say, I’m looking very forward to that :D.

        Also, to Bridget, good to hear things are going okay on the job/class front! Hope that continues to be the case for you!

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Oh no, colds are the worst! Hope you feel better, Angela, and enjoy your time off!

        Bridget, it sounds like you have a lot going on and are working hard. That is awesome! Glad all is well with you.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Angela and LTL, I do hope my remaining classes go well also! I am taking a disease class on-line and I never did that before! Have either of you ever?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Angela says:

        I do feel much better, thanks, LTL :). And yes, the time off has been so nice!

        @Bridget: I haven’t taken a class online, no, but a few of my friends have. A class studying diseases sounds like it’d be interesting. Disgusting at times, depending on the disease, but interesting :D. What kind of stuff do you study in that class?

        Like

  30. Megan says:

    Ugh ! when will there be the one when Steph gets stood up by that guy ? i need that one!!!

    Like

  31. RG says:

    Wow, this episode was just terrible. Completely asinine This was bad even for Season 8 standards. Feet? Seriously? This is a whole new low for revolving an episode around Michelle and running low on episode ideas. I think I blocked this whole episode out of my memory for a reason.

    And I agree with the previous posters about Jesse too. What a hypocritical asshole. He’s the one who can’t even get sing so called “singing career” off the ground, yet he criticizes Becky for her singing? She DID sing before, in the telethon and wedding episode, and suddenly she’s all of a sudden bad? I always like to think that Becky finally tires of Jesse’s self entitled douche bag attitude and divorces him and/or shacks up with Danny, had this show continued into Season 9. No self respecting person would stay married to someone like him in real life. I know that plotline sounds silly, but come on, you know Becky would eventually come to her senses and leave Jesse. It wouldn’t be anymore ridiculous than the storylines the real show had.

    Like

  32. RG says:

    * who can’t even get HIS

    Like

  33. RG says:

    * who can’t even get HIS

    Sorry typo.

    Like

  34. Nicole says:

    I usually just read these phenomenal reviews, but I really wanted to comment on this episode. I saw this when I was about three years old when it first premiered, and Michelle’s gigantic feet in the dream sequence gave me nightmares. To this day, I get a little freaked out whenever I see anyone else’s bare feet. Suffice to say this episode has scarred me for life. Thanks, Full House!

    Like

  35. Ashley says:

    Just when I thought this show had already scraped the bottom of the barrel as much as possible, they go and deliver an episode that revolves around Michelle’s fucking feet.

    Jesus Christ. Is the series almost over?

    Like

  36. Ella Stern says:

    “The twins start crawling on them while they make out and then Jesse grabs them and insists that they have a 4-way kiss, which I have nothing to say about.”

    Oh my goodness, yes! What’s with Jesse and kissing in this show, anyway?!

    Like

  37. Lisa says:

    I can’t remember what episode it is, but I know there is an episode of “Saved by the Bell” where Kelly is a bad singer. That episode fails to remember that Kelly used to sing in a girl group. It’s pretty much the same as Becky story line here. In one episode she can sing and in another she can’t. I can understand that there are a lot of different writers, which is why there are so many plot inconsistencies, but you have to wonder why the actors don’t ever chime in and tell the writers to fix their story lines.

    And I would agree that this was one of the worst episodes. Any show that involves giant feet props is not going to be a good episode.

    Like

  38. kenzington says:

    Literally the only thing I remember about this episode is Joey’s toe-head/tow-head thing. Probably because his head really does sort of resemble a big toe.

    Like

  39. Lynne says:

    Did the writers completely forget about this?

    Like

  40. SavaFiend says:

    The reason Becky probably sucked when everyone was singing together is that stupid-ass Jesse was probably off-key and throwing her off! I don’t know, I’m a pretty mediocre singer myself (when I used to gig with cover bands back in the day, I could do back-up vocals fine, but no way would I ever sing lead). Anyway, if I had to do backing vocals with someone off-key, it was really hard for me to stay on key too. I bet Jesse fucked her up, and then calling her a shitty singer is his way of pushing the blame off on her!

    Like

  41. Wiley207 says:

    I remember the bad special effects for Michelle’s growing feet. It seems the special effects budget in the final season was REALLY low.
    Not to mention the use of canned music from a production library when her giant feet are revealed, along with when the feet “grow” bigger, instead of using their own original music. What was UP with this final season?

    Like

  42. Sebastian Villegas says:

    Why the hell would they make an episode about Michelle’s bare feet of all things? I mean, foot fetishism I get but a lot of them have a line; they don’t go for kids feet. Why this? Are there actual 10 year old boys or girls who have an early foot fetish or what?

    Like

  43. Hey Billy I made you some gifs of your favorite moment in the series.

    Joey getting hit with a coconut and feeling dizzy: http://i.imgur.com/NIW11Ud.gif

    Just the coconut hitting: http://i.imgur.com/bxxM8Bj.gif

    Coconut hitting at twice speed: http://i.imgur.com/dazGuYs.gif

    I also want to shamelessly plug my own review site that I started a few weeks ago. http://boymeetsworldreviewed.blogspot.com/

    Like

  44. Erin says:

    Totally unrelated to this post, but have you seen another one of Michelle’s friends’ latest work?
    http://www.buzzfeed.com/lyapalater/the-boy-who-stole-darla-in-the-little-rascals-has-a-new-song?s=mobile

    Like

  45. chato says:

    Just like a lot of people, I only started reading these reviews 2 weeks ago, and this is the point where I caught up.

    However, I’ve read them all on my phone, and was way too lazy to go back to season 1. I started at season 8, and was immediately acquainted with the writings of a man who has seen too much for too long. It only made everything more funny as I saw your backwards evolution from pure hatred to casual contempt (you even said some of the moments in season one with baby Michelle warmed your heart!).

    I can’t believe you actually kept up with a project that has no doubt collectively consumed months of your life. Thank you.

    Like

  46. Sarah says:

    Even when I was a kid that salesman really creeped me out with how he was acting towards Michelle’s feet and commenting on how “healthy” they are idk.

    And I don’t know why they made Joey so stupid later in the series? Like, he’s already a loser weirdo creep who sucks at comedy, but now he’s also really childish and dumb?

    This episode is so beyond weird.

    Like

  47. I just discovered thus blog recently, during the final stretch, and haven’t been commenting. I was awaiting this episode, and then forgot about it, and then it came back to find me.

    I watched this episode live, when it aired, and it scared the living shit out of me. Michelle’s giant feet dream gave me nightmares. Thank you for giving me a screen cap of every single feet prop they made.

    And good job on the blog. The nostalgic reviewing community salutes you.

    Like

  48. tinkerbeth says:

    Oh man! So as I’ve been reading through these posts and comments, I’ve noticed a few instances of people describing scenes they remember vividly from this show that stand out from all others. And this was mine! That whole dream sequence of Michelle’s evergrowing feet… I remember that shit so fucking clearly and I think it’s the source of my foot phobia. I’ve been waiting for the review of this episode and it did not disappoint. I totally forgot it was the same one as Becky’s bad singing storyline, ’cause I remember that pretty clearly too! Just didn’t remember them as being the same episode.

    Like

  49. Kelsey says:

    And one thing I couldn’t help but noticing while I was watching this episode is that Lisa’s feet look pretty large in comparison to Michelle’s, I mean really, look at how big they look! Of course the episode is about Michelle, but still, I find it odd that they used a character with noticeably larger feet and put her in this episode……

    Like

  50. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    The shoe salesperson with the light Vincent Price voice has also been heard on various Full House episodes. He was also the father in the episode where DJ had the mega crisis (in the Bowling Alley).

    What was that actor’s name?

    Like

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