Season 8, Episode 17, “Dateless in San Francisco”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse teaches the twins how to make valentines for Becky.  They present them to her and it turns out that Jesse fucked up when he made his.  Joey being dumber than a small child is a schtick that’s as old as the series itself, but Jesse being this inept is kind of new.  I mean, he’s always been pretty pathetic, but it’s been growing exponentially lately.  He really seems to be completely falling apart as the series winds down.

Joey and Marcia Wallace are introduced to Michelle’s class by the teacher because they have a special message from the PTA.  Remember when they were voted as co-presidents of the PTA earlier in the Season?  It really is a total crapshoot to try to guess what’s going to come up again on this series.

They tell Michelle’s class that they sold more candy bars than any other class in the school for the fundraiser candy bar sale.  Michelle’s teacher also gives Michelle a special shout-out for selling more candy bars than anyone else because of course she did.  If this hadn’t been the case then I’m sure we would have had to watch an entire episode about how Michelle’s sad because someone sold more candy bars than her so I guess it’s for the best.  They tell the kids that they get to have a special Valentine’s day dance as a reward, which is a pretty weird prize for a bunch of 8-year olds.  They should just let them watch cartoons all afternoon or give them a pizza or something.  Michelle’s teacher seems pretty eager for Joey to come to the party and then Marcia Wallace shoos her away because she totally wants Joey’s schlong all to herself.  It’s really sad to see Marcia Wallace on this show now that she’s passed away.  I mean, it was always sad because she’s been on a lot of great shows and I don’t know why she agreed to be on this piece of shit series, but now it’s, like, extra sad.

Michelle and her little friends discuss the Valentine’s dance and Lisa decides that they all need to have dates.  She picks Derek as her date, surely commencing what will be a lifetime of pursuing unattainable partners, and then she assigns Michelle and Teddy to each other.  Now that I think about it, there’s a pretty good chance that Teddy’s gay, too.  I never really noticed before because his potential gayness is a like a mere candle next to the blinding supernova of Derek’s undeniable homosexuality, but he definitely has some homopotential.  It’s pretty interesting that these are the love interests that these girls end up with.  They also set up Aaron Bailey with Sophia, who’s just some girl we’ve never seen before that doesn’t even say anything interesting.

I don’t know if any of the other kids in the class pair up because who gives a shit about any of them?  Now that all the relevant kids are paired up, it’s decided that they’re girlfriends and boyfriends.

Becky and Jesse sit around eating sandwiches and soaking up their mundane coexistence and then Danny comes down to discuss his Valentine’s Day plans with Claire.  Oh, yeah, I totally forgot that Danny’s been stickin’ it to Gia’s mom.  Jesse tells Danny that he’ll help him make a romantic plan because he’s such an amorous fellow and then, when Becky asks him what he has planned for her, he’s like, “well, we’ve been married for a while, so I totally don’t give a shit about doing something nice for you?”  The only thing I find at all surprising about this scenario is the notion that Jesse ever made any effort in the past to be romantic on Valentine’s day.  The idea here is that the magic’s gone, but, what magic?

Michelle tells DJ about how Teddy is her boyfriend now and then Stephanie comes home with some incredibly weird looking boy.  He carries her bag for her and makes goo-goo eyes before giving her an innocuous kiss on the cheek and telling her that he’ll call her later.

Why’d they cast such a goofy looking kid as Stephanie’s love interest?  I guess they really thought that he was the best that she could do.  While this does seem realistic, you’d think that the series’ producers would have her scale it up a bit just for appearances.

Teddy comes over and wants to thumb wrestle with Michelle but she says that they can’t do stuff like that anymore because they’re girlfriend and boyfriend now.  She tries to come up with ideas for activities that are appropriate for their new status and decides that he should call her on the phone, which requires him to go home first.

Joey gets a delivery of flowers and candy and there’s a really weird bit where he tips the delivery guy and then takes the money back.  I’m not even sure how it’s supposed to read.  Anyway, the flowers and candy are from Joey’s “secret admirer” who is assumed to be Marcia Wallace.  But what if it was someone else, like maybe the one other character who’s shown interest in Joey in the last 10 minutes?

Teddy calls and Michelle tells him to come back over to the full house with candy and flowers.  Most guys are pushovers for their first girlfriends anyway but when that first girlfriend is Michelle you get straight up railed on.

Jesse comes downstairs and proposes some really romantic Valentine’s Day ideas and then when Becky gets all touched by it he’s like, “naw, sucka, these are ideas for what Danny should do for Claire.”

Teddy comes over again and Michelle’s all, “where’s my candy and flowers!??!” and then she starts making even more demands until Teddy’s like, “this shit sucks dick” and breaks up with her.  Right on!

Michelle laments her expired relationship in her room and then DJ and Kimmie Gibbler come in and ask her what’s wrong.  Michelle fills them in and then asks, “DJ, can you help me?  Guys are always breaking up with you…”  Oh my god what an asshole!  It’s never a good idea to insult someone right to their face as a prelude to asking for counsel.  Becky comes in and gets filled in on the situation, which sparks a communal pity party about how shitty men are.  Eventually Stephanie comes in and says that the really stupid looking kid who walked her home never called, which only adds flame to the fire.  Men are just the shittiest!

Joey is surrounded by even more flowers and candy, which have apparently been arriving in a steady stream all day, and he worries about what he’s going to do because he’s totally not into Marcia Wallace.  Yeah, like he could ever do any better.  Danny comes in all prepared for his date with Claire and he says that he feels bad because Jesse put all of his energy into planning his date and none into his own.  Jesse’s like, “that’s cool, I don’t need to do anything for ol’ Becky.  What does she care?” and then Becky finally gets fed up and tells Jesse to go fuck himself.  On that note, Jesse and Danny insists that Becky goes outside to get some “fresh air” and it turns out that the whole stagnant relationship thing was a put-on and Jesse has prepared a romantic hot air balloon for them in the backyard.

A hot air balloon ride, huh?  Well, at least we can all say that we didn’t see that coming.  So is this supposed to make up for just the stagnant relationship ruse this episode or for their entire relationship so far?  Anyway, Becky says that she actually believed him when he said he didn’t give a shit about doing romantic stuff for her (again, probably due to their entire relationship so far) and then the music comes on as he tells her that as long as she pays for everything and puts up with his stupid bullshit, they’ll always have gentle music to guide them through their 22-minute misunderstandings.  Finally, there are some really hokey shots of a hot air balloon flying over the city during the daytime even though it was totally nighttime when they took off from the backyard.

At the little kid Valentine’s party, Michelle laments her break-up with Teddy but it doesn’t really matter because the boys and girls are stationed at opposite sides of the room anyway.  See, I told you that a party like this was wasted on kids that are so young.  Joey urges the girls to pick a partner to dance with and then everyone starts gettin’ down except for Michelle and Teddy.

Marcia Wallace asks Joey to dance and then he tries to return the excessive pile of candy and flowers that he thinks that she sent to him.  She interprets it as him gifting her with these items and starts trying to make out with him, which tips Joey off that the gifts weren’t from her.

He gets her to leave the room by telling her that he saw Willard Scott wearing a thong in the hallway, who she rushes to go see.  I had to look up who that was and apparently he was the original Ronald McDonald.  Um…ok.

Once Marcia Wallace is gone, Michelle’s teacher approaches Joey and tells him that she was the one who sent the gifts and that since she’s the only other character in the narrative, she assumed that he’d figure it out.  It is structured exactly like a Scooby-Doo episode, after all.  He tells her that, even though there must be something wrong with her if she’s interested in him (especially since she sent him a really excessive amount of flowers and candy), he’s glad that she’s the admirer and then he asks her out.

Michelle and Teddy cross paths at the snack table and agree that shit was hella better when they were just friends because being boyfriend and girlfriend put a bunch of shitty expectations on their relationship, plus also there’s about a 50/50 chance that Teddy would rather be with Derek.  They agree that it’s better if they’re just friends because they can do whatever they want and then they start dancing with all the other little kids.

Hey, I just realized that we never even saw Claire during this episode.  What the fuck?  She must be dead, just like all the other discarded love interests.  I bet that Danny’s romantic date with her was just like that Tom Petty video.