Season 8, Episode 22, “All Stood Up”

I feel like I’m a senior in high school and I already took the SATs and got into college and all that shit and now I’m just waiting for the year to be over because I’m so close and it pretty much doesn’t even matter anymore.  Senioritis, they call it.  After this episode there are only two more…  can’t we just say I reviewed them all? Do we really have to go through these last ones?  Haven’t I done enough???

Oh, ok, fine.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle refuses to help DJ do the dishes but then DJ hustles her in a game of jacks so Michelle has to do them all herself.

Stephanie walks into DJ’s room and tells her about how her vag is all moist for this guy named Ryan at her school.  Guys named Ryan are known for their virility and dashing good looks, after all.  Stephanie says that she’s too lame and pathetic to talk to him but DJ urges her to invite him to the dance that’s coming up.

Danny walks in with a big box of Spam that he’s found in Joey’s room and is planning to donate to the food drive at Stephanie’s school later, which may or may not be a convenient plot device.  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Speaking of convenient plot devices, Jesse gets a medical check-up in the dining room for some reason.  I guess no one could be bothered to build a doctors office set.  The doctor tells Jesse that his blood pressure is high and asks if he’s been under a lot of stress lately.  For reals?  That motherfucker is the no-workingest, responsibility-shirkingest piece of shit who ever lived, and he’s got high blood pressure?  Maybe that’s why he’s never put any effort into anything his entire life, because he’d drop dead of a heart attack the second a single bead of hard-earned sweat was produced from his greasy brow.  Anyway, the doctor tells him that his insurance premium is gonna go up if he can’t get his blood pressure down in the next week so Jesse has to learn to relax before then.  Thanks, Obama!

Gia and Stephanie spot Ryan in the hallways and Stephanie’s all, “I want that schlong so bad.”  Stephanie gathers up her courage and asks him out and he’s like, “I don’t even know who you are but, yeah, sure, why not?” and then Stephanie b-lines it outta there before he’s able to learn more about her personality. Good move!

Jesse sets up a hammock in the backyard because laying in a hammock is totally a textbook method for lowering one’s blood pressure.  It’s in all the medical journals!  Just as he’s settling into being even less productive than he usually is, he is startled by the sound of bagpipes emanating from Kimmie Gibbler’s yard.  He investigates and quickly learns that Kimmei Gibbler is practicing bagpipes for an upcoming Scottish music festival.

He orders her to stop practicing but she just tells him to go fuck himself so he decides to start a noise battle with her.  He has Joey help him set up a sound system and plans to bombard Kimmie Gibbler with obnoxious sampled sounds that he’s programmed into his keyboard.

Joey, once again stepping in as the voice of reason (which has been happening more and more lately, and is something that always makes me feel uneasy), tells Jesse that this conflict can’t possibly be good for his blood pressure.  He then suggests that Jesse should try eating Ho Hos instead and mentions that sucking out the cream filling is always relaxing for him and it’s pretty clear that he’s offering Jesse a blowjob.  I guess that it would be a better method for lowering his blood pressure than this whole noise battle thing.

Jesse’s ignores Joey fellatious solution and instead begins his noise battle with Kimmie Gibbler, who seems prepared to retaliate after the initial onslaught occurs.

Michelle challenges DJ to a hula hooping competition and wagers more chores but then DJ’s like, “bitch, I’m the hula hoop muthafuckin master!”

Stephanie comes downstairs and waits for her date to show up and then there’s a time lapse of her building with blocks to show how long she’s waiting, which is probably the most clever bit of visual storytelling that’s ever occurred on the series.  That’s not to say that it’s very clever but rather that the bar has been set pretty goddamn low.

Eventually Danny comes in and checks on her and she says that she’s been stood up and then sad music plays as they hug.  Ha ha, what a stupid loser!  I’m glad that, even at the end of the series, this show can deliver pretty good laughs on occasion.

At school, Stephanie bitches to Gia about getting stood up.  She spots Ryan in the hallway and prepares to tell him off but then she punks out and runs into the bathroom.  While she’s in there, crying and shitting, Danny walks through the hallways carrying the box of Spam that he just happens to be donating to the school’s food drive at that very moment.  If that isn’t already a big enough coincidence, Ryan is approached right then by one of his friends, who addresses him by name and reminds him about their track practice later, which is exactly enough information to allow Danny to identify him.

Danny approaches Ryan and tells him that he’s Stephanie’s dad.  Ryan explains that he and his friends decided to go to the movies instead of the dance, which is a lot nicer than admitting that he backed out because Stephanie’s face looks like the inside of a dog’s asshole (which is clearly the real explanation), but that doesn’t stop Danny from telling Ryan that Stephanie sat on the couch all night, waiting for him and crying.  Oh my goodness, this shit is unbelievable!  As if getting stood up isn’t humiliating enough, having your dad come to your school and give the guy who stood you up a stern talking to while he describes how sad and pathetic you were is some shit that you would never recover from.  You’d have to change school districts after some shit like that.

Jesse hears more horrible noises emanating from Kimmie Gibbler’s back yard and she pops up and tells him that she borrowed an ostrich from her uncle and, since it’s mating season, the creature will be making guttural sounds of unrequited lust for the next 8 weeks.  Jesse rants about the situation while he stands next to the fence and then he’s bitten by an ostrich puppet.  The puppet’s actually not half bad.  That’s not to say that it’s a great effect but rather that the bar has been set pretty goddamn low.

Michelle confronts DJ with a double-or-nothing challenge to settle all the bets that she’d lost previously.  DJ agrees without even knowing what the challenge is and then it turns out to be a limbo competition.  DJ claims that the challenge is unfair and then one of the twins says, “how low can you go,” which is a pretty good mantra for this whole final Season, or, really, the entire series.  Anyway, Michelle wins the challenge.

Stephanie comes home and she’s all excited because Ryan apologized to her and offered to buy her a pizza at the mall.  Danny alludes to being responsible for Ryan’s change of behavior but doesn’t overtly take credit. Just then, Gia barges into the house without knocking or anything and tells Stephanie that the whole school knows that Danny confronted Ryan and made him apologize to Stephanie.  There’s also a game-of-telephone-esque exaggeration of how the scene played out that’s accumulated, but it doesn’t nullify the fact that Danny’s intervention is straight up humiliating for Stephanie.  The girls all chastise Danny, who defends himself by apologizing pathetically and then walking away all hangdog style, which makes the audience go, “aww.”  Well, I’m glad that they actually acknowledged how fucked up it was for Danny to get involved like that.  You can never tell how things are going to play out on this shitty, backwards-ass show.

Stephanie wonders how to handle her scheduled pizza date with Ryan and Gia suggests that she stand him up since he allegedly doesn’t want to meet up with her anyway.

As Jesse begins to plan construction of a large soundproof wall in the back yard, he is pulled over the fence by the ostrich, who starts raping him.

Becky comes into the backyard in time to see Jesse being rescued by Joey and she decides to intervene.  She explains to Kimmie Gibbler that Jesse needs it to be quiet because he’s got high blood pressure and Kimmie Gibbler’s like, “well why the fuck didn’t he ever just say that?  He just started yelling at me and then bombarded me with obnoxious prerecorded sounds.  Maybe the reason that he has high blood pressure is because he attempts to resolve any given situation with an over-the-top conflict rather than a simple straightforward exchange of words.” Kimmie Gibbler agrees to end the conflict if Jesse will give him a hug, which Jesse begrudgingly agrees to because he resents Kimmie Gibbler for being the only tolerable character on this entire show.

Ryan comes by the full house and tells Danny that Stephanie stood him up.  Stephanie comes downstairs and engages Ryan in conversation while Danny stands there, listening in and making shitty jokes.

Ryan explains that he asked her out for pizza because he felt like an asshole, not because Danny made him.  Stephanie realizes that she was just as big a piece of shit as Ryan was and then they agree to start over by going out for pizza with a clean slate.

Immediately after they leave, Stephanie walks back into the house and hugs Danny.  He asks why she’s hugging him and she says it’s for being an “involved, loving father who sticks up for his daughter.”  So I guess the lesson here is that it’s ok to walk into your child’s school and fight their battles for them, even if it’s going to totally humiliate them and cost them the respect of their peers?  What the fuck kind of lesson is that?

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134 Responses to Season 8, Episode 22, “All Stood Up”

  1. Richard says:

    Well who knows, maybe you’ll get hit by a truck or something and you won’t be around to finish the series.

    Hey it’s Andrew Keegan. I remember him.

    Let me be the first to point out that this is actually the 22nd episode of season 8.

    Having Michelle lose in the cold open surprised me at first, but I figured she’d get her win back by the end of the episode.

    Anyway I hope you had a happy FH-free new year Billy.

    Like

  2. CathySantone says:

    There was definitely some threeway Eiffel Tower action going on behind that fence with Jesse, the Ostrich and Joey…

    Like

  3. Pink Dork says:

    There is zero chance in this world or warped fh-verse that Ryan goes on a date with Stephanie. That is about as likely as Joey flying a plane and really a bridge too far, credibility-wise. Also: Joey sucking the cream filling out of a Ho Ho is some disturbing shit.

    Like

    • Packerchu says:

      I know. I blame this stupid episode for having me wonder if two men performing a blow job even inside a bedroom would have been more legal than noise disturbances or owning ostriches.

      Like

  4. hebrewersfan says:

    “While she’s in there, crying and shitting” – Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it…

    “One of the twins says, “how low can you go,” which is a pretty good mantra for this whole final Season, or, really, the entire series” – This is absolutely hilarious.

    Like

  5. Oh Mylanta says:

    And all this shit goes down just to have Stephanie after some other guy next week. In no realistic universe would Stephanie be getting this much dick in such a short time span.

    Like

  6. Bossk says:

    Really? Not one Gia screen cap?

    Like

  7. Jennie says:

    I used to own those shoes DJ was wearing in the limbo pic… loved my white platform sneakers. In my Senior Graduation pic, I had on those sneakers and a blue mini baby doll type dress.. Sometimes I really miss 1998.

    Like

  8. penny says:

    And of course DJ is wearing a dress in the limbo scene. It is like they want to rub it in she never had a chance, because no one can do limbo in a dress. At least DJ played fair (though she should know by now that when you bargain with Spawn of Satan, you never stand a chance in the end).

    Also, that doctor scene had me miffed. I get them not wanting to build another set, but why hire an actor at all? Couldn’t they do what they always do and have Jesse and Becky walk through the back door with some canned exposé that they didn’t bother to discuss in the car?

    Like

    • Jenn says:

      I take no pleasure in defending the writers of this show, but it could be that Jesse was applying for life insurance. In those cases, a nurse/doc/medicalish professional will come to the house to do a cursory medical exam to make sure you aren’t already dying.

      Like

      • Richard says:

        Well we all know the broken clock analogy right?

        Like

      • PinkDork says:

        Life insurance – that’s exactly what I assumed too – otherwise why the crack about insurance going up? But… really? This shiftless bastard has life insurance? Like… he gives a rat’s ass about anyone if something happened to him? THIS is where the show loses credibility.

        Like

      • Comet says:

        Maybe Becky is planning to murder him?

        Like

      • Billy Superstar says:

        oh, really? dang, i didn’t know that. you win this round, full house…

        Like

      • SavaFiend says:

        But then again, you have to wonder why the hell they are doing the exam in the damn kitchen? Seems an odd choice of locations. I’m assuming the doctor probably came in the back door too, since it seems like half of the Full House visitors come in that way :/

        Like

      • Sara Wilson says:

        Coming in through the backdoor… another sick full house analogy.

        lolol i’m sorry i had to.

        Like

      • Mike Blunden says:

        Maybe they were in the kitchen because Joey invited a bar filled with strangers back to the full house to watch a sporting event.

        Like

  9. Alison says:

    Is that a taxidermy of Little Sid hanging in the alcove in the screen shot of DJ doing the limbo?? Freaking Michelle. She just COULD be happy with the cardboard cutout of Big Sid… She is going too far.

    Like

  10. Baby Lovebutton says:

    I always hated this episode! The whole Danny confronting the kid thing and the battle with Jesse and Kimmy. Just terrible.

    I will miss looking forward to new reviews each week, though….

    Like

  11. stephen says:

    this was technically the last episode, because it’s the final one they taped (but the 2nd to last one aired), on February 24th, 1995. Jodie talked about it in her book, how during the final scene, they were getting choked up. When the show originally aired, during the series finale it showed the curtain call from this episode at the end credits, but it is NOT shown on the dvds which is very strange. Yeah, the ho ho bit immediately sounded like innuendo to me. gross.

    Like

    • Jennie says:

      Do you know if the actors knew it was cancelled at that point.. If I remember correctly they didn’t get a proper series finale

      Like

      • Kyle C. Haight says:

        Yes, this was the final episode taped. The DVDs contain the syndicated cuts of the final episode – when “Michelle Rides Again” first aired, it aired as a one-hour episode but the DVDs split it into two-episodes. The final curtain call is on YouTube, though and Jodie Sweetin and Bob Saget are still wearing their costumes from this episode.

        And yes, the actors definitely knew this was going to be the final season. The fledgling WB Network wanted to pick up the series for season 9, but, both John Stamos and Candace Cameron wanted out of the show. I could see them attempting to do the show without Cameron, but, Stamos wanting out was the deal-breaker. I think Bob Saget was getting tired of it, as well, because he was still hosting/producing “America’s Funniest Home Videos” as well as a couple of TV specials for ABC at the time and it had to be pretty taxing on him to be just working all the time.

        It’s the big week next week, though. Something terrible happens to Michelle – It’s about time!

        Like

      • Jennie says:

        Thank you Kyle for the details.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Yeah, seconding the thanks-I did not know any of that! Interesting. I don’t care how bad the show is, if you’ve worked with a group of people for as many years as these guys have, it would be weird/sad to say your goodbyes and to tape shows knowing this was the end.

        Ah, yes. Next week. The episode/storyline everyone has been dying to read reviews about. Should be fun :D.

        Like

      • Mike Blunden says:

        Interesting stuff. Thanks, Kyle. Never knew any of that.

        If Stamos wanted out, they could have just explained that Jesse reunited with the Rippers and went on tour. Or got a job. Or they moved out of the attic into a house of their own. Wait, would the audience believe any of those? You’re right, Stamos leaving was the deal-breaker.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        My mom and I have been saying the exact same thing about that ending. That would’ve made so much more sense.

        But of course, as we all know, Michelle’s got this disturbingly creepy hold on the family, so they’re trapped in there for all eternity. I have a strong feeling that if we were to check in on the family today, they’d all still be living in that house together. So what if the girls are married and possibly have children. They’ll all still be living there.

        (And now I’m picturing what Michelle’s marriage would be like and the image is a horrifying one and I would feel very bad for her husband.)

        Like

      • stephen says:

        I understand that when Michelle Rides again originally aired, there was a scene of the family in the waiting room, waiting for the doctor to give them the news. I don’t own the season 8 dvd but I think it’s really stupid how they wouldn’t put the full, original episode on, with the curtain calls (though being from the previous episode) and everything. They wouldn’t put the original disclaimers on either, from Silence is Not Golden or The Last Dance.

        Like

  12. Bridget says:

    Billy, Jesse’s blood pressure could be high due to genetic reasons as well. As for the name Ryan, I think my brother and SIL did keep in mind virility and dashing good looks when they named my nephew! After all, in the Sprint commercials with James Earl Jones and Malcolm McDowell pretending to be teenage girls texting each other, Ryan is a hottie McHotterson! I do think FH Ryan was lying when he said he broke the date and Stephanie had nothing to do with it. I think her lousy looks had everything to do with it!

    Like

    • Sara Wilson says:

      “Totes McGotes!”

      Like

    • Stacy says:

      Also when I think of hot Ryans – I think Ryan Reynolds – hubba hubba! And many would say Ryan Gosling.

      Ugh, that commercial. I so hope they are mocking some 13 year old girls and not grown women. The only way an adult should talk that way is if they are in fact mocking 13 year old girls. Though thanks to that commercials I have been saying to my cats “you are totes adorbs”.

      Like

      • Angela says:

        I’d like to say that only 13 year olds talk like that, but sadly, I’m quite sure there’s adults out there who talk that way.

        Like

      • Stacy says:

        Sigh. I know there are definitely adults who speak like that non-ironically/without mocking teenagers. And that saddens and scares me.

        I really do not understand people PURPOSELY dumbing themselves down. Gets on my nerves.

        Like

    • Lisa says:

      What I got out of that line was that Billy Superstar’s real name is Ryan.

      Like

  13. Michelle's acting coach says:

    Jesse may have been applying for life insurance, which typically does have an in-home medical evaluation. However, I imagine the application process would have been pretty short when the agent’s part of the conversation sounded something like this:

    “Mr. Katsapolis, on the phone you made it sound like I would be talking to your wife. Where is she? Oh, you want life insurance. Okay, in order to determine how much life insurance we can provide I have some questions.

    What do you do for a living? Hmm, can’t say I’ve ever listened. Oh, what else? Never heard of that club either. Oh, I see, well I don’t have any kids in junior high, so that’s probably why. I’m sure it’s successful. So between the two businesses, how much do you earn a year? That’s okay, a lot of times new ventures don’t make anything. We can base the insurance on the debt you owe for the club…. It was given to you? Okaaay. You have a nice home here, how much do you owe on it? Oh, well then how much rent do you pay? You live here for free? In the attic?
    Mr. Katsapolis, it’s going to be really difficult to demonstrate to the underwriters you have an actual need for life insurance without any income, debt or rent. I see you do have two kids, we could provide some coverage for their day care expenses. What do you currently spend on day care? You don’t know? Well what do you do with them during the day? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW? WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME YOUR WIFE HAS THEM? ISN’T SHE A TV HOST? Mr. Katsapolis, I’m afraid we aren’t going to be able to help you. If your wife would like to buy some insurance have her call me.

    Like

  14. Alicia says:

    I’ve been waiting for this one…I loved Andrew Keegan! I remember way too many details about this episode, but luckily I was able to block out Joey sucking on a ho ho.

    Like

    • Orangutan Twin says:

      Andrew Keegan was one of those actors who seemed to turn up on every series at one time or another. He seemed to have a role as every other female character’s semi-recurring boyfriend on most ’90s/early ’00s shows. From looking at IMDB he’s still popping up on stuff like CSI guest spots, though I haven’t seen him in years.

      Like

  15. Sarah Portland says:

    Oh, man. I’m gonna switch teams here for a second, which pains me to do, because I hate Joey (especially after that composite-Doctors-look-like-Dave-Coulier bullshit). Here goes:
    Danny was a total dick to go into Joey’s room and take his Spam. Now, I fucking hate Spam, but there are reasons why people hoard food in their rooms. I’ve actually done this frequently. One reason is because I’m not into the “writing my name on my food” thing, and I might buy something that I don’t want my roommates to eat. For instance, one of my roommates hates to cook (as do I), and if I buy a can of soup or something and leave it in the cupboard, it’ll be gone the next day when I go to make soup. In my case, I am also hypoglycemic and need to stockpile snacks and stuff.
    I’m feeling like this goes hand in hand with Joey’s complaint about not being able to take a bath. Sure, when then had to see him in the bathtub getting pizza delivered (or, possibly making a porno with that “delivery guy”), but dude had a valid point. Even if that douchebag didn’t pay any rent, he still has the right to some privacy, and he has the right for you to not steal shit from his room and then donate it. You’re an asshole Parthenon, Danny.

    Also, once again, Kimmie Gibler has proven herself to be the only person on this show who is worth a damn.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Sarah, I agree with you about Joey hiding food from the family if he doesn’t want them to have it! My dad hides candy in his locker at work and he eats it on break. I think Danny should have asked Joey’s permission when he wanted to take the Spam. Danny never learned boundaries! I don’t blame you for hiding food on your roommates because hypoglycemia is a serious thing. I wonder if Joey was hiding a Spam cookbook from Danny as well? Spam is very popular in Hawaii and maybe he would order a cookbook from Hawaii.

      Like

    • This entire blog has justified my boyhood crush on Kimmie Gibbler.

      Like

    • SavaFiend says:

      Maybe Joey wasn’t necessarily hiding or hoarding the Spam. Maybe he keeps it in his room cuz his ass is too lazy to walk to the kitchen when he wants a midnight snack or something.

      Like

  16. RachWho? says:

    The whole plot of this episode was just “Stephanie gets stood up.” Is that a plot? Although I have seen this episode I had no recollection of the Stephanie plotline. The only thing I remembered was the ostrich. There must have been something in Jodie Sweetin’s contract that said there had to be so many Stephanie-centric episodes per season and this was just an obligation. I know the writers were always pretty much phoning it in, but in this case, I think they may have just been telegramming it in.

    Like

  17. “As Jesse begins to plan construction of a large soundproof wall in the back yard, he is pulled over the fence by the ostrich, who starts raping him.”

    …aaaaand THAT’s why you’re obligated to do these final three episodes.

    Man am I sad I discoved this blog so late in its life.

    Like

    • GottaHavePie says:

      “… Man am I sad I discovered this blog so late in its life…”
      Me too, man… this makes me want to cry. Billy, please do some other horrible 90s sitcom- we need your snarkiness so we’re not bored at work anymore!

      Like

      • Sean says:

        Except boy meets world isn’t horrible, but still.

        Like

      • SaCha1689 says:

        I like Boy Meets World too, but I admit there’s plenty to make fun of there, seeing as most of the main cast of characters seem to have mental illnesses.

        Cory is neurotic, a hypochondriac, whiny, clingy and at times downright obsessive when it comes to Topanga.

        Topanga went from being a laid-back, earth-loving hippie / spiritualist / yoga practitioner to an uptight, straight-A perfectionist and later a stereotypical nagging wife.

        Shawn had daddy issues.

        Eric went from a lovable dimwit to having an IQ down in the negative numerals.

        Of course, none of them are nearly as bad as the Full House characters, but I have no qualms about making fun of a show I like.

        Like

      • Sara Wilson says:

        Not to mention that Eric went straight up insane during the last season. Haha… I love boy meets world. I still watch it often

        Like

      • Alison says:

        Shawn’s whole family is a mystery. He had a sister named Stacy in one episode. He had a half brother in aother, that guy who stole computers in the trailer park, but that was the only episode he was in. And then let me break down this whole Jack thing… So Jack is Shawn’s older half brother. They have the same father. This means Jack’s mom (we’ll call her Tilly) and Chet got together and had Jack. Chet and Tilly split up, Chet found some other woman (not Verna, because later on we find out Verna isn’t really Shawn’s mother) and they have Shawn. Chet and mystery woman split up, and Chet and Tilly get back together. This had to have happened because Jack and Shawn remember living together at some point in their childhood. Chet splits up with Tilly AGAIN, and gets with Verna and tells Shawn that Verna is his mom. This ALL had to happen before Shawn was 5 years old, because Cory and Topanga have known Shawn since they were 5 (the whole story about Shawn saving Cory from the llama pen) and they never knew Shawn had a half brother. BUT, in a later episode, Shawn says he wrote to Jack constantly, Shawn complains about how Jack’s mom and Jack walked out on him and Chet. I have a hard time believing that Shawn has that vivid of a memory of stuff that went on before he was 5 that he’d have THAT MANY hard feelings about the whole thing.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        I dunno, memory is a weird thing. I have a friend who remembers the raid on her parents’ pot farm, and she was two at the time. Shawn is possibly remembering some parts, but then being augmented with information given to him by Jack.
        Or it’s like most sitcoms, and they think that no one is paying that much attention 😛

        Like

      • Alison says:

        Yes, but Chet makes the comment to shawn about how Verna used to love powdering his little butt. So he had to be extremely young when they left Jack and his mom. Unless Verna is a creeper.

        Like

      • JCC says:

        Holy shit that show sounds awful! Fuck!

        Like

      • RachWho? says:

        Not a sitcom, and in my opinion not horrible, but: Let’s Make Fun Of All The Clothes From Famous Original Beverly Hills, 90210 (http://modcam1923.blogspot.com) is 100 kinds of awesome.

        It won’t repair the hole in my heart that the end of this blog will create, but it’s a start. Also, thanks for the Boy Meets World Reviewed link. I can’t wait to dig into it!

        Like

      • Shameful self-promotion:
        http://noiselesschatter.com/alf/

        Yeah. ALF. 🙂

        Like

      • Casey says:

        Rachwho: I’m confused by the Beverly Hills blog. It’s clearly not a review of each episode. Does it just pick out random scenes from episodes and comment on the clothes? Sorry to ask such a stupid question, but I used to love that show and would love to read a blog about it!

        Like

      • modcam1923 says:

        Hi Casey – I am the author of Let’s Make Fun Of All The Clothes From Famous Original Beverly Hills, 90210 and I can tell you that yes, it IS a review of each episode. I started out wanting to primarily focus on the fashion but it evolved (devolved?) into a straight-up recap of each episode. As Philip J. Reed says above, shameless self-promotion: http://modcam1923.blogspot.com. Check it out, and I hope you like it!

        Like

      • modcam1923 says:

        Thanks, Rach. You are 100 types of awesome.

        Like

      • teebore says:

        I’m a huge 90210 (OG) fan, so I’ve already begun plunging through your blog. Great stuff – even though I have a soft spot for Brandon and you hate him with a fiery passion. But at least we can all agree that Steve Sanders and his mullet are the worst. 🙂

        Like

      • Casey says:

        Modcam: This won’t let me reply directly to your comment. Thanks for the explanation! I can’t wait to dig into your blog! I loved 90210, but the fashion was just so awful! Thanks for tackling this topic 🙂

        Like

    • Memon says:

      I’d love to see someone review Friends that was a great show but I still think it’d be funny. I looked at the boy meets world blog and it’s no where near as good as this one.

      Like

      • GottaHavePie says:

        Funny you should say that- just yesterday I was thinking about starting a Friends Reviewed blog. It would be a fun challenge, considering the fact that I’ve never even watched it. But from what I’ve seen on commercials and heard from my sister, it’s a pretty good show.

        Like

  18. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    Standing ovation, don’t have enough good things to say about this review. But bleeecccchhh the thought of Joey blowing Jesse…

    If you ask me, Ryan and Stephanie feeling like assholes for standing each other up isn’t a very good reason for them to go out in the end. Who would want to go out on a remorse date?

    That picture of the puppet encompasses all that I will miss after the last review in two weeks. I’m gonna have a Stood-Up-Stephanie old fashioned cry!

    Like

  19. Carolyn says:

    Maybe Joey did end up getting that blowjob after all, he saved Jesse from an over-sexed ostrich, there is a clause in the bro-code that says that deserves a big thank you.

    If this was a different episode maybe the box of spam could have been worth $1,000 and hijinks would ensue when Joey realized it was gone. I guess even after all these episodes Full House still has such elegant plot twists that I just never know what’s going to happen next.

    And I agree Ryans are hot, if only that guy could have had a chance to be a recurring character in season 9!

    Like

  20. Sarah Portland says:

    I’m loving the fact that one of the B-plots involves a set of challenges between Michelle and DJ, and out of three screencaps, Michelle only appears in one. While one could justify this by saying that Billy couldn’t get any good shots of Michelle (I’ve had that problem as well), I’d like to think that it was done on purpose, so as not to expose us all to more Troll Doll radiation than we can handle, and as a way to make up for the fact that in the next few weeks we’ll probably get a heaping helping of Her Highness, Queen Bitch.

    Like

  21. Megan says:

    Finally yes the one i wanted omg love this one . poor Steph. but they made up which is good.

    Like

  22. SJSiff says:

    I’m so glad my mom and dad didn’t take parenting cues from this show. How humiliating to have your dad show up at school to fight your battles like this!

    Like

    • Angela says:

      God, yes, agreed. My mom in particular was a bit wary when I started dating, but she and my dad were still sane, respectful people who knew where the boundaries were.

      And this episode is even more proof that this show is clearly set in some sort of warped fantasy world, because in the real world, if a guy got harassed by a girl’s dad like that, at best he’d likely spend the rest of the year making fun of the girl, at worst, there’d be some sort of harassment claim or something.

      Hell, even if the guy actually did feel sincerely sorry for standing the girl up after he got a scolding from her father, I think he’d be too embarrassed to even try and contact her.

      Like

  23. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa says:

    How embarrassing to have your dad go to school and yell at your almost date. This episode is really boring. Even the subplots were horrid. Usually the subplot is okay (until it involves Michelle being a total brat.) After all Michelle being the ruler of the household is for the main plot!

    Like

  24. Casey says:

    You’re so close to the end! Thanks for all the laughs. I’m going to miss your new articles every week!

    Like

  25. Amanda says:

    I know it could have really ended badly, but I can’t say I blame Danny for telling that kid what’s up. The first time some dumb girl breaks my son’s heart, well, lets just say that she’ll be glad that you can’t just walk on to school campuses anymore. Don’t mess with my baby! lol.

    Also…I discovered this blog about halfway in, so I’ve been reading it for what seems like forever. I am going to miss it lots! Thanks for sticking with it to the end! This is hilarious! I can think of several shows I’d love to do a blog like this about, but I’m not funny enough. Boo!

    Like

  26. Richard says:

    I think that it’s only fair that Billy posts a pic of himself as a pre-teen. That way we can see if he was better looking than Jodie.

    Like

  27. Wiley207 says:

    I remember finding it painfully obvious the ostrich was a puppet, but you’d think they would have made it look a bit more realistic than that (I thought the growl it made before biting Jesse was funny.)
    But then again, they probably didn’t have enough money in the special effects budget by this point (which explains stuff like superimposed hot air balloon flying in “Dateless in San Francisco,” the slow light-switch lightning in “Up on the Roof,” and the awful effects for Michelle’s growing feet nightmare in “My Left and Right Foot.”)

    Like

  28. lovetolaugh says:

    Hi all! I’ve missed you guys and this blog.

    I always felt really bad for Steph in this episode. Getting stood up is pretty humiliating, especially during adolescence, when kids’ worlds revolve around what their peers think of them.

    Danny’s intervention was pushy and ill-advised, but I’m not sure that, if I were a parent, I wouldn’t want to tell off the asshole who hurt my kid like that.

    He resents Kimmie Gibbler for being the only tolerable character on this entire show

    Billy, do you really not consider DJ to be pretty tolerable at this point? In my opinion, particularly toward the end of the series, she’s so mild-mannered and straight-laced that she doesn’t even seem to fit in with the rest of those corndogs (in a good way).

    Is that just me? I don’t know, I guess I just really feel like Jesse, Michelle and Joey are the true obnoxious assholes of the house. DJ seems fine to me (a little prudish, but if that a sitcom character’s worst trait, then that’s not so bad).

    Have a great weekend, everyone!

    Like

    • Angela says:

      Agreed on fully sympathizing with Danny being upset over the idea of someone hurting his daughter’s feelings. Just that, like you said, there’s better ways to handle that.

      I would also agree with you on DJ. She’s still got her head on her shoulders, thankfully-she’s always been one of the few voices of reason on this show.

      Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Hey, Angela! I have missed reading your posts 🙂 Hope all is well.

        Happy new year!

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Aw, thanks! I’ve missed reading your comments, too! All is well here (retail holiday season is over, thank you, God!), hope things are good on your end and 2014 is starting off well for you :).

        Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      LTL! Good to see you again 🙂
      While I think that DJ is tolerable, I also think she’s a bit weird, for lack of a better word. I guess I’m just comparing her with her early work on this show, which set her up as the typical sarcastic pre-teen, but as she became the voice of reason for all of these a-holes, she also became The New Pam, the mom figure, as it were. A little bit TOO straight-laced and conservative for a teen, if you ask me. I just kind of feel that by the end run of this crappy show, she was more Candice than DJ.

      Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Hi, Sarah P!

        It’s great to be back 🙂

        You make great points. When I compare DJ to what I was like (and what most of my friends were like) at age 17/18….there is a substantial difference. Lol. She seems like she is at least 25.

        Although maybe you have to grow up early when you live with someone like Joey…

        Like

  29. Stacy says:

    While this isn’t nearly the same thing, I did have a funny Dad at my school moment when I was in high school.

    This one particular teacher (who I never actually took a class from) seemed to bust me for minor infractions – cussing (in the hallway) and in this instance – my shorts being too short.

    On this particular morning, my dad had dropped me off at school and I can not remember why but he was actually inside/right in the front entrance area. I had gotten right around the corner when that teacher sees me and immediately starts in on my short. Hey, I was (and still am) quite tall and have long legs so shorts will appear a bit shorter on me than someone shorter. And these were not horribly short – no ass cheek peeking out. I’d say they were mid-thigh rather than an inch or two above the knee.

    She turns the corner and sees my dad and asks if he’s my dad, to which he replied he was – all while he’s wearing shorts WAY shorter than mine (it was the 90s and he was wearing workout/jogging shorts – he was either about to go to the gym or for a jog after dropping me off). When she saw him in his shorty shorts she got a bit stumped as to delivering a lecture on proper shorts length. I think he even said “Well, she’s got long legs, her shorts are going to seem shorter”. Seriously, my dad would NOT have let me go out (much less to school) in inappropriately short shorts. And obviously I didn’t do the leave in one get up and change once at school since he dropped me off and saw what I was wearing.

    I still remember the bemusement in my dad’s voice during this. We got a huge kick out of it later when we could openly talk about it when the teacher wasn’t around.

    Ironically, I ended up going on a week long vacation with that teacher when I was in college. She and her husband lived next door and were long-time friends with a friend of mine and her parents. They all went to Florida one year and I got invited so my friend had a buddy with her. By that time we were able to chuckle over her always seeming to bust me for stuff. (And since I was one of those never get in trouble type kids – straight A’s and wasn’t into destructive teenage shit overall – what she busted me for was quite mild – but the extent of my getting in trouble in school. Though I was tardy to my first classes a lot – not a morning person – but I got lucky with teachers who didn’t press it or give me detention for being tardy all the time.)

    Like

    • Angela says:

      That’s a great story :D. Especially since you managed to be able to laugh about the whole situation with that very teacher later. Even if she didn’t personally care, the school had its dress code thing and she had to follow the rules.

      (I do think schools can get really ridiculous with the dress code stuff. I fully understand not wanting certain body parts to be out and flashing all over the place, that makes total sense. But schools freak out over tank tops and shorts, all while they send kids to school in mid to late August when it’s still hot out…sorry, no. If I’m a student and I’m going to be sitting in a classroom in mid-August in 90 some degree temperatures, and if said classroom isn’t equipped with proper air conditioning besides, I don’t think it’s too much to ask that I be allowed to wear a tank top and shorts.)

      Like

      • Stacy says:

        Yeah, I agree about the hyper vigilance some schools have with their dress code – so unnecessary. I think my school’s shorts rule was a dollar bill’s width from the knee. It’s been so long ago (damn – over 20 years ago! – I graduated in 1994 and this would have occurred in 1992 as I was in 10th grade at the time) but I’d guess my shorts were maybe 1.5 or 2 dollar bills’ width above my knees. Yeah, a little shorter than they decree but again my ass wasn’t hanging out. I think my dad was sportin’ some shorts that day that probably came about 2 or 3 inches below his ass. But he was 6’5″ so again they are going to look shorter on him than a dude who was say 5’10”.

        I don’t remember my school’s policy on tank tops. Back then I don’t think I ever wore them. But yeah, as long as all the bathing suit areas are covered, schools shouldn’t be sweating tank tops or some shorts.

        At least that teacher saw I came by my “too” short shorts wearin’ honestly. 🙂

        Like

    • Bridget says:

      Stacy, did any of the kids say to you, “Big Bird called. He wants his legs back.”? My dad has these spindly, skinny legs and he never likes to wear shorts. I was thinking when I watching the 2013 version of “Carrie” how long the legs that belonged to the girl who was Sue Snell. As they said on “The Simpsons” -“Her legs go from here to ya-ya!”

      Like

      • Stacy says:

        lol, nope, never got the Big Bird thing thrown at me (nor my dad as far as I know). Fortunately my legs were not too shabby and not spindly at all. Neither were my dad’s. Now his might have been when he was younger but not as an adult. I remember he told me when he was in high school he was so skinny that he would put hankerchiefs in his back pockets so he would have some semblance of a butt.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        My dad’s legs are still spindly and he is quite skinny! He has no butt to speak of, too. I bought him and my mother an anniversary card that had a picture of a giraffe and this short, squat bird on the front. They were standing next to each other. I told my parents the couple on the card looked just like them!

        Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      I’m glad your situation ended well. I have unfortunately been sent home for shorts that were “too short” (though they actually were not). I had this one job where this one manager would always catch me doing something that I wasn’t supposed to be doing – like I would never do that thing, but the one time I would slip up, she would be standing right there or something. So frustrating! She probably complained about me to other managers, who were probably confused because they would never see me do those things!

      Like

    • SavaFiend says:

      Stacy, great story! I sympathize totally, I have long legs too (I’m 5’10”) and I sometimes have to buy a whole size bigger when shopping for shorts just so my ass doesn’t hang out in the back. Bummer!

      Like

    • JCC says:

      I’m not a big fan of divulging personal stuff on comments sections, but this was entertaining stuff, funny but sweet!

      Like

  30. Donna says:

    I was trying to find the original, from Midnight Express, but this will have to do!

    I’m going to miss my Saturday morning (I live in Australia), lay in bed, and read FHR moments!

    Billy Superstar, you’re the best around, nothing’s gonna ever keep you down 🙂

    Like

    • Grant Spatchcock says:

      Same here, as another Aussie, reading this blog is my Saturday morning starter. Sometimes even before I get out of bed…

      Like

  31. Christian says:

    Of course DJ is a hula hoop master. What the fuck else is she going to use those hips for? Sex? Doubtful.

    Also, “this shitty, backwards-ass show” should be the official description for this show whenever you see it in TV listings.

    Like

  32. Mehllie says:

    Worth noting that Ryan goes on to play Joey “Eat Me” Donner in the best teen movie ever made, 10 Things I Hate About You.

    I’ve been following this blog since the Huff Post article a few years ago, and I don’t think I’ve ever commented, but now that things are winding down, I’d better express my appreciation. It’s such a gem. I really think it’s so wonderful for a few reasons, and I’m going to lay them out for you: One, not many writers can pull off such an angry/disparaging tone without coming across as unlikeable and self-righteous, but you’ve done it. Two, it’s filling a void within pop culture. Like, someone absolutely needed to point out how terrible this (very successful) show was. I can’t believe some professional TV critic didn’t beat you to it. You’ve created a collective Full House therapy blog, a way to cope with the precious hours we lost watching this show as kids. We can now lay our demons to rest and move on to better sitcoms. Last, I think it’s so incredible that you could generate so much content without it getting old. Those lazy Full House assholes kept pulling the same ole shit episode after episode, but your reviews of their nonsense are always fresh. I don’t know how you’ve kept me laughing when every episode is so predictable, but you have.

    I’d almost say the money and time that were wasted on this show–the careers that were made and ended–were worth it because they ultimately resulted in this blog. It’s a frickin’ masterpiece.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      OMG, that dude was Joey Donner? Now that I’ve scrolled back through the screencaps again, I can totally see it. “Shit, Bianca! I’m shooting a nose spray ad tomorrow!”

      Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      Mehllie, I just wanted to thank you for this comment. I’m genuinely touched by your evaluation.

      Like

    • Grant Spatchcock says:

      “not many writers can pull off such an angry/disparaging tone without coming across as unlikeable and self-righteous, but you’ve done it”

      That is a perfect description of Billy’s writing style, right there. I’ve tried for many years to write like this, but it always ends up whiny and unpleasant.

      Like

    • JCC says:

      Excellent post!

      Like

  33. pigsnot says:

    what the *fuc*k

    Like

  34. Chris says:

    I’m actually rather sad that I’m just now discovering your blog right as you are getting ready to end the series. You’re hilarious and I’m finding myself scrambling to catch up (I’m up to season 3.) Hope you consider doing another series once this is over.

    Like

  35. Nukegrrrl says:

    Oh, My Lanta! That screencap of Gibbler’s side of the backyard fence, with a stack of speakers looming over the graffiti… fucking priceless (except for that stupid fuck Joey, but he can be cropped out).

    For a few years, I have been enjoying this superb site about the shittiest show. It’s not only given me a new perspective on Full House, but also… …my own life! Thank yee kindly, Billy Superstar!

    Like

  36. ru-d2f says:

    I guess 8 seasons of eating nothing but fried chicken finally caught up with Uncle Jesse.

    Like

  37. Stacy says:

    I meant to say this the other day: On the 30th I was watching the movie “Half Baked” on Netflix (starring Dave Chappelle, Jim Breuer, etc.) and there’s a scene where Dave Chappelle’s character goes to an addicts support group meeting. When he confesses his addiction to marijuana, Bob Saget starts hassling him about being addicted to marijuana and asks if he ever sucked dick for marijuana and goes on about how he sucked dick to get cocaine.

    Of course since it was Bob Saget talking about sucking dick for drugs, I thought of this blog and figured the rest of you would find it amusing too. Guess he got a lot of practice with dick sucking on the gay sex boat.

    (Yes, the movie is pretty old – I think it came out in 1998 but I just got around to seeing it for the first time. And for those who like the show Scandal – man alive does Huck look super young in that movie. lol)

    Like

    • SavaFiend says:

      That scene, rather than Full House or AFV is what comes to mind first whenever I think of Bob Saget to this day, LOL

      Like

    • Casey says:

      I’m not a huge fan of stoner movies, but Half Baked is really funny. “I used to s*ck d*ck for coke”
      “I’ve seen him!”
      Such a funny movie. Thanks for sharing! 🙂

      Like

    • Alison says:

      haha YES, I love that movie and every time I think of Bob Saget I think of that very quote. That and that scene from Dumb and Dumberer where Bob Saget walks into the bathroom and yells “There’s sh*t all over the walls!!!”

      Like

  38. SavaFiend says:

    Jesse’s blood pressure isn’t high due to stress. His arteries are probably clogged from all the fried chicken he consumes. Instead of having an episode showing him relaxing all the time, it should have showed him placed on dietary restriction. “Have mercy!”

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      That could be, SavaFiend. I do think genetics plays a role in a person’s heart and blood health, though. I remember when Davy Jones died almost 2 years ago and he had a pretty healthy lifestyle. His death was attributed to clogged arteries as well, but Micky Dolenz mentioned the genetic component with his parents dying young.

      Like

  39. Jack says:

    Awww, Comet’s melting into the floor in that screencap 😀

    Like

  40. modcam1923 says:

    So…this blog is pretty much my everything now.

    Like

  41. Chris says:

    So you inspired me so much I’ve decided to take on the task of doing the cheesiest ’80s/’90s sitcom besides Full House and Small Wonder (which someone else is doing) I could think of: Saved by the Bell. Want to trade links?

    http://www.savedbythebellreviewed.net/

    Like

  42. teebore says:

    then DJ hustles her in a game of jacks so Michelle has to do them all herself.

    Frankly, I’m surprised Michelle still didn’t find a way to work out of it.

    Anyway, the doctor tells him that his insurance premium is gonna go up if he can’t get his blood pressure down in the next week

    You know what might help lower his premium? Not paying for home doctor visits (I know, I know: life insurance).

    It’s in all the medical journals!

    aka the screenwriters bible!

    DJ agrees without even knowing what the challenge is

    Rookie move, DJ, rookie move.

    What the fuck kind of lesson is that?

    A Full House lesson.

    Like

  43. Bridget says:

    I read a recent story about Jodie Sweetin and she is happy she paid off a debt that was around 2 or 3 years old. She is also going to court to fight ex, Morty Coil for custody of 2 year old Beatrix. I hope the judge gives the kid to the best parent and not to the one who had some fame as a kid! If Morty is a better parent than Jodie, he should get custody. In so many custody battles (Baby M the exception), judges give the kid to the birth parents even if the adoptive ones are better (like in Baby Jessica and Baby Richard). I think that just because someone gave birth to a child, that doesn’t mean they are automatically the best for the child!

    Like

  44. Ella Stern says:

    I read in Jodie Sweetin’s memoir that this was supposed to be the last episode but that they aired out of order, thus making the viewer feel stabbed in the back because of the fact that Michelle didn’t die from the fall off her horse… I know some fans wanted that to happen.

    Like

  45. Phantom says:

    I just found this site and holy crap this is amazing.

    I applaud you for going through and literally reviewing the entire show. Too bad I only found this site near the end of it all.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Phantom, just go back far enough in this site and read the old postings again. I see who lost interest and who didn’t and am amused once again!

      Like

  46. Gabby says:

    Hey stop saying bad words or else I will stop vise ting this site and are u a advertisement for ***** enlargement you dont have to say that especillay if it’s for a old kid show

    Like

  47. Aaron Bailey says:

    Crying and shitting!
    Growing up, I had a huge crush on Stephanie. Were it not for her underbite, she wouldn’t be such a dog. That being said, she grew up to be pretty hot, post meth addiction that is.
    Kimmy Gilbert rulez.

    Like

  48. That line about Joey offering to lower Jesse’s blood pressure with a blow job was one of the funniest things I have ever read.

    Like

  49. Elizabeth says:

    Aren’t the legos New York City with the Twin Towers?

    Like

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