The Unauthorized Full House Story Part 3

I can’t even remember what was going on when we left off.  Whatever it was, it wasn’t that interesting.  I do remember that it was at the 55 minute mark, because I’m keeping track of those minutes, real close.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 12.10.16 AM

Jesse and DJ hang out in the same studio courtyard set that they used in the Saved By the Bell Lifetime movie (and probably a bunch of other crappy Lifetime biopics that I haven’t watched, too).  DJ worries about shitty stuff that she’s seen about herself in tabloids and Jesse just kind of talks about himself and how that relates to him.  She wonders what it would be like to have a normal life and he encourages her to go to a normal people school.  He kind of seems like he’s coming on to her the whole time and I kept waiting for them to start kissing but it never happened.  I guess that’s probably just what talking to John Stamos is like in real life.  You’re just waiting for him to kiss you the whole time.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 12.14.50 AM

She starts talking about how her brother is trying to convince her to get closer to god (when’s the biopic about Kirk Cameron’s crazy god obsession gonna come out!??!) and you can tell that Jesse’s like whatever about that shit but then he’s just like, do your thing, man.  Like, I get hella pussy and strum my guitar, that’s my thing.  If you wanna grow up to be some conservative bible thumper then, like, whatever.  Raven Simone isn’t gonna like it but, like, that’s her thing.

Bob Saget takes notes while watching endless videos of babies getting hit in the nuts for his side gig and then John Stamos comes into his office or dressing room or whatever and tells him that Dave Coulier’s come back to work just 1 day after his sister’s funeral.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 1.16.58 AM

Wait, what?  We didn’t even ever hear about him having a sister.  We have heard about Bob Saget’s sister’s terminal illness, but that’s got nothing to do with this.  The pair of them find Dave Coulier on set and ask him why he’s at work if he’s dealing with some fucked up ass life bullshit.  Dave Coulier is clearly trying to repress him emotions and then when they ask him why he doesn’t go home to his wife and child he tells them that he’s getting a divorce on account of his wife realizing that she was married to Dave Coulier.  He also says that he’s not that great at being a grown up and before anyone can chime in about how he’s not great at being a comedian or tv actor or a person that doesn’t look like he needs to get punched in the face all the time the Olsen twins roll up and belch out some indecipherable gibberish.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 1.19.19 AM

Seriously, I rewound it 4 times.  I have no idea what they said.  It kind of sounds like, “I saved you from a nap.”  Coulier cradles the cryptic children and asks his costars, “wouldn’t it be great if real life was more like Full House?”  Fuck no it wouldn’t.  There’s no sex or alcohol, and everyone’s a totally self-obsessed piece of shit.  If my life was like Full House it’d be a very special episode about suicide.

It’s 1993 and we see a high school hallway where some young woman we’ve never seen before has apparently just enrolled.  She keeps talking about being on set and… oh, wait, that’s supposed to be Candace Cameron.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 1.28.03 AM

I guess they decided to switch actresses in the last 20 minutes of the movie.  Sure, why not?  Some mean girls shit talk Candace and her shitty ass tv show and for a split second it made me think about how it would feel for the actors to hear people’s harsh criticisms of their terrible performances but I had to stuff those feelings down a la Dave Coulier in the previous scene because otherwise I was about to have to take a long hard look at my life and it was gonna be rough.

New DJ tells the other girls what the outside world is like as we meet the rest of the time-lapsed kids.  They’re all as hollow and unremarkable as the actresses they’ve replaced.  I have nothing else to say about them.

Some producer or stagehand or something finds Bob Saget and Dave Coulier goofing off backstage and he tells them that they’ll start filming soon but they don’t give no fucks. They continue to goof around with props while John Stamos approaches, who joins in on their naughty mischief.  They open a refrigerator and bust out some whipped cream, which leads to the most controversial moment in the whole movie.  Brace yourself, gentle reader, as I am about to tell you something that may shock you:  the dads do whip-its.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 1.36.13 AM

I know that’s not as shocking as if there’d been a scene where someone like smokes a cigarette one time or says a bad word or something, but this is all we’re gonna get.  I’m not sure if it’s a result of the nitrous oxide or years of palpable sexual tension between these fellows, but either way they all start spraying each other with whipped cream.

Seconds before penetration occurs, Jeff Franklin comes back there and tells them to knock it the fuck off and then that’s it.  That is the height of controversy and drama that you will find in this snooze-fest.

Bob Saget’s daughter starts getting all up his ass about how he spends more time with his tv family instead of his real one because I guess she doesn’t realize that not having him around all the time is a best case scenario.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 1.41.58 AM

He tells her that she can suck it because he’s actually going to visit his dying sister, which is always a pretty good way to win an argument.  Take THAT, girl who needs her father!  You also get a sense that Mrs. Saget is getting tired of the absentee husband routine as well and you can kind of see the gears turning as it dawns on her that she can get half his shit and not have to look at his stupid face anymore in one fell swoop.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.27.01 AM

The Olsen twins appear on some talk show while the rest of their young costars watch and hate on them.  Meanwhile, the Olsen parents argue over the appropriate handling of their young commodities, again portraying the mom as being uncomfortable with the incredible wealth and luxury her ugly children have bought her.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.17.35 AM

When Bob Saget’s sister dies it gets actual screen time. Seriously, what was up with Dave Coulier’s shoehorned sister death? Anyway, Bog Saget’s wife encourages him to take comfort from his stupid obnoxious tv family and then she sits and watches from the car, looking all butt hurt as Saget smiles and makes dead sister jokes with Dave Coulier.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.21.11 AM

They cut to another weird scene of John Stamos and his shitty band performing a terrible cover in the rehearsal room and then Jeff Franklin comes in and tells everyone that he’s leaving the show to go work on Hanging With Mr. Cooper. Remember that show? It was hella better than Full House. It was weird how it got totally retooled a few seasons in. Remember when they added Raven Simone and it became a way more family friendly show? It totally wasn’t as good after that. Anyway, he tells them that it’s been a honor to work with a bunch of no talent pieces of shit on the most egregious creative compromise of his career and then they all have a disgusting group hug.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.25.26 AM

There’s another scene portraying Bob Saget as a negligent husband and then we cut to Dave Coulier and John Stamos backstage at a fashion show. Stamos alludes to being tired of swimming in an endless sea of poonana but then he bumps into Rebecca Romijn and they have a little meet-cute.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.28.48 AM

Everyone talks about all the shit they got going on in the rehearsal room as the Season wraps up. DJ talks about her tv movie, which I’m pretty sure is the one where Fred Savage plays her murderer boyfriend. Everyone gossips about Lori Loughlin’s recent divorce and you can tell that John Stamos is hella mad that he missed his window to hit it now that he’s all up in Rebecca Romijn.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.31.32 AM

The shows producers walk in and tell everyone that even though the show still has high ratings, the network finally realized that it sucks fat dick and needs to die already. Jodie Sweetin has like her only dramatic moment when she talks about how the network can’t take the show away from them (seriously, if she hadn’t said this then they may as well have not even shown her at all for the last half of the movie) and then everyone hugged and cried until I barfed all over my keyboard.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.35.41 AM

The reenactment of the final episode is actually sort of faithful to the original version, which threw me for a loop. They do the part where Steve comes back in the final moments and it’s kind of like, oh yeah, there was a whole other cast member that they never even mentioned at all until now (they also never mention the twins but I’m sure not complaining about that oversight).

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.39.06 AM

The guy that plays Steve is way more of a nebbish than the original but he’s probably like someone’s son or something and, besides, he’s got like one line. Oh, wait, I just noticed that when they do the final cast bow, the twins are standing there. Well, ok.

2 years later, Bob Saget is back to telling jokes about nuts on stage. John Stamos is performing on Broadway, which is not a total travesty. They don’t bother to tell us what Dave Coulier is doing, which is fine by me, but then we cut back to Bob Saget as he and his wife sit down to sign divorce papers. He says that he thought things would get better after the show ended and she says that the show was never the problem, which I assume is an admittance that the problem was always his stupid face. Or maybe just the endless dick jokes.

Candace Cameron and Lori Loughlin go to a charity hockey game that Dave Coulier’s playing in and he introduces them to some Russian hockey player. The Russian guy tells them that he learned to speak English from watching Full House and then he says, “oh my lanta” to Candace and she’s like, “you’re funny.” Yeah, tv show actors always think that people who quote their catch phrases at them are real funny. Anyway, the next scene jumps ahead 4 years to their wedding because wedding’s are a really good way to wrap up crappy biopics.

After the ceremony the cast all gather together and hug for about 2 minutes straight and then, in true Full House fashion, Bob Saget interrupts the reception by giving a long toast that’s mostly about himself and not at all appropriate or interesting to anyone else.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.56.07 AM

Gentle music plays as he talks about the character of Danny Tanner and ice cream and hugs and that they’re a family in real life even though they only played a completely deplorable one on tv, then Dave Coulier farts, which is a pretty fitting ending to this entire mess.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.59.48 AM

Well, I’m glad that’s over. It was kinda fun to be back, even for a big pile of garbage like this. I do think that this productions total lack of quality was appropriate given its subject matter, but I wish they’d managed to dig up some actual behind the scenes dirt. Couldn’t they have thrown in some stuff about Alanis Morrisette, or like some fucked up shit that happened later? I’m pretty sure that the Olsen twins became big coke heads when they were teenagers. Well, whatever.

That’s it for the foreseeable future. I will be reviewing Fuller House when that comes out (and yet somehow I still bet there will be a comment below that asks if I’ll be reviewing it). I have a tentative deal with an actual website to publish the reviews there so if that pans out I’ll just link to them on here when they’re up. We’ll see how interested they still are when the show actually comes out. Until then, be sure to check out the weekly podcast I do with several other hilarious geniuses, Saved By the Bell Reviewed.  As always, I remain

Your pal,

~Billy Superstar~





This entry was posted in Bonus Material. Bookmark the permalink.

59 Responses to The Unauthorized Full House Story Part 3

  1. Anoyomous says:

    Cant wait till the review of Fuller House


  2. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    This was definitely a lazy, cheap production. If any money was made on this I applaud the producers and executives and would like to learn their secrets so I too may roll around in piles of sweet sweet riches.

    I love ripping Full House a new one as much as anyone, but I do have one major pet peeve about these “Unauthorized” movies that totally excludes enjoyment factor. This movie only had the main characters costumed in the time era and all the minor characters and extras are dressed and made up in current day (same goes for the SBTB movie). Was hairspray out of budget? Seriously, any actor who had their hair done for this atrocity could easily walk off set and not look like they were in a movie where they were from the 80’s. Even if they got wardrobe exclusively from Forever 21 and H & M, accurate hair would make everything look a bit more 80’s/90’s.

    I give this movie 5/5 stars (note: the stars are made out of dog shit.)

    P.S. I do enjoy Summer School and Just One of the Guys. Jeff Franklin did make some entertaining things; he gets props for those.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bridget says:

      NJ Michelle, welcome back! I agree this movie was awful and Lifetime is losing its ability to make good movies! This is the same network that gave us “The Burning Bed”, “Small Sacrifices”, and “Deadly Relations” with Robert Urich and a pre-big screen Gwyneth Paltrow as one of his 4 daughters. I did like the Dollanganger/Foxworth FiTA series because the books were great camp and the producers of the movie seemed aware of that fact! This movie was dreck. I am quoting Ebert’s review of “North” in my head in regards to this movie. Why have the main actors wear clothes from the era the show took place in with the extras dressed in clothes from a later period? I guess it has to do with the budget or something! I am kind of sad this is Billy’s last review of the FH Story, unless he reviews the 3 weeks he watched this movie.

      Liked by 1 person


    Thank you for this miniseries to tide us over.


  4. Dude, I’d’ve been super pissed off if I had been hired to play Candice or Jodie, and then been replaced by a slightly older version two-thirds of the way through. I mean, I guess we’re talking about a span of eight years for this show, but the kids they hired to play the Tanner girls were all older to begin with. You’d think they could stretch it out a bit with make-up or camera tricks or something.


  5. Pink Dork says:

    Thank you for watching this shit so we don’t have to, Billy Superstar. You are my hero.

    exes and ohs,
    Pink Dork

    Liked by 1 person

  6. ThatGuy says:

    Will you be reviewing Fuller House when it comes out?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. djkaty says:

    The reason why this is so Danny-centric (or Bob, whatever) is because most of this crap fest is straight from Bob Saget’s book. I actually looked for the book at my library before I caught a glimpse of myself in the window and thought “what has become of my life?”

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Chris says:

    Seriously, the younger Candice Cameron actress’ face literally makes me want to smash it with a brick. God.

    Great having you back though! Can’t wait for Fuller House just to see your reviews!


    • DJ's Intact Hymen says:

      As I said in the last review, her face looks like a fucking squashed toe. What a fugly piece o’ shit. She’ll never work in this town again.


  9. Rory says:

    This documentry or whatever the hell it is creeps me out so much thanks to this blind item suspected to be about full house:

    The ‘it seems like he’s coming on to her’ part in this review made me twitch because of this bl, lmao.


    • Old Black Nursing Home Guy says:

      I love this blind item. I read it often and fantasize about it. I really would give my left nut for a night with Dave Coulier. I want him to lick my muff and make the Mr.Woodchuck noise. Oh gawwwwwwd I want his sexy face between my thighs. I’ll cut anything out for him. OMFG GIVE IT TO ME NOW, DAVE COULIER.


  10. Melissa (crimsonglass) says:

    I watched this with my sister because we grew up on Full Houe, and while we still have a nostalgic fondness for the show because it’s hard to remember our childhoods without it, we now watch it with a healthy dose of snark and awareness. We watched this movie and the only thing I could think about was John Stamos’ hair.

    They kept it in that frickin mullet for the entire movie, only to cut it for the final scene. I threw a pillow at the television.


  11. Stacy says:

    I thoroughly enjoyed these reviews and am sad this little set o’ reviews is already done with.

    Once again, thanks for taking one for the team! I did watch it but by your 2nd review, I didn’t even remember some of the stuff you mentioned. I guess my mind was that quick in trying to forget it.

    Anyone have a more nailed down time frame for when Fuller House comes out? I think I’ve read 2016, but nothing more specific than that.


  12. Bridget says:

    Billy, hi, I borrow a quote from the “Simpsons” when Patty and Selma make fun of Homer to Marge, “Marge, wake up and smell your husband. We know you got 3 kids from him but after the vegetables are planted, you throw out the envelope!”. Maybe Dave Coulier’s wife woke up and smelled him!


  13. TayciBear says:

    I am sad that these are over so quickly however I am “excited” about Fuller House.


  14. EverywhereYouLook says:

    I forced myself to watch this only because of how hilarious these reviews were. Seriously the profiters of this movie need to thank the author of this blog because I bet half of the viewers were fullhousereviewed fans and only watched it due to this amazing review.
    And I too had no fucking clue what came out of that twin’s mouth during that part mentioned, and also rewound it a bunch of times!! I finally went so far as turning the captions on for curiosity’s sake, and the actual line didn’t in any way match the gibberish.

    Love this blog forever and ever.


    • Bridget says:

      EYL, at least you could understand the real Olsen twins when they talked, although they did have problems with the letter R! My niece Lauren had trouble with L and R when she was young. People would ask her name and she would say it but they thought she was saying Warren. She used to call her brother Ryan Wyan. My parents use captioning when they watch “Hell on Wheels” and I think captioning would help when watching “Little House on the Prairie” because Michael Landon mumbles!


  15. Bridget says:

    I notice they forgot to mention the episode with Jesse revealing his real name as Hermes. St. Hermes is the patron saint of mental illness. The Full House absolutely teamed with mental illness! Jesse was a narcissist, Joey had Peter Pan syndrome, Danny had OCD, Michelle had an eating disorder that made her pig out on junk food, Stephanie was too nosy, and the only normal ones in the house were DJ and Comet!


    • goodgollyregina says:

      It really says a lot when even Comet the DOG is the most normal, most mature one compared to the adults. Especially Joey, who I totally agree is a manchild with Peter Pan syndrome. It’s no wonder the guy could never hold down a relationship. You totally hit the nail on the head with everyone elses labels too. I would also add Becky to the list of the “normal” ones too. Even though she made the huge mistake of marrying Jesse, and losing all the mojo she had when we first meet her.

      Great review like always Billy! I can’t wait to read your Fuller House reviews! I probably won’t watch it, since I don’t get Netflix. But it’ll be interesting to see how it will turn out.


      • Bridget says:

        GG Regina, I think anyone studying human behavior or psychology should view FH to get a good idea of psychological problems! I still like Rebecca even though she married Jesse and had 2 of the slowest twins ever! Do you think Joey secretly fathered them? They look like Joey and act like him. I wonder if we could sign up for Netflix or will the show be broadcast on YouTube?


      • goodgollyregina says:

        Yeah, the whole Tanner clan is like the walking physiological disorder! Just watching one episode is enough for anyone to deduce that the whole family has some very obvious screws missing. And I think it might actually be possible that Joey fathered Nicky and Alex, for the same reasons you stated. It would certainly explain Nicky and Alex’s “slowness.” And I hope the Fuller House episodes somehow make their way to YouTube. It would be much easier for those who don’t have access to Netflix.


      • EverywhereYouLook says:

        Hi Bridget! All so true about the mental illnesses except I think Rebecca Donaldson might have had the most severe one of them all to WILLINGLY join a family that terrible!


  16. Corey says:

    So, are you gonna review Fuller House?


  17. Ryan says:

    I have been listening to SBTBR to fill the void in my life, but I can’t express how happy I am the Full House Reviewed is back (kind of). How great would it have been if there would have been some real like Aaron Bailey being a real life dick to the Olsen twins?


  18. carp says:

    dear god thank you for reviewing this. i say this only because i remember commenting and asking you to, even though i figured i was like the billionth person to

    and now i’m posting this here because i have no idea where else to post it
    i hated john stamos my ENTIRE LIFE until about a week ago and suddenly i find him extremely attractive
    in a way i blame you for being so open regarding your opinion of aunt becky’s appearance i mean i would never have even conceptualized anyone on this shit show being remotely good-looking but shortly after realizing aunt becky is alright, it hit me one night that uncle jesse is disturbingly hot, and i haven’t yet figured out how i feel about this


  19. Gregor Clegane says:

    I just found this. I felt that you all should know about it if you didn’t already.


  20. Bridget says:

    I read a fan theory about FH that is rather intriguing in the fact the full house is purgatory and all of them except for Michelle are dead. Michelle is a demon keeping them in the house while Kimmy, Aaron and the other people who are anti-Tanner are imps that torment them in a teasing way. My people, please respond and look at this theory and it does make a bit of sense!


    • goodgollyregina says:

      Well it would certainly explain why nobody was ever allowed to ever move out of the house. I mean, Jesse was denied leaving the house TWICE by Michelle. First after getting married, and then when Lou Bond wanted to make an offer on the house. The theory does make quite a bit of sense. Same with the “Full House Without Michelle” theory. Where Danny mourns the loss of Pam by coming up with a fake daughter, and naming her Michelle. You should see the videos of that on YouTube. It’s both hilarious and creepy at the same time. XD;;;


      • Bridget says:

        GG Regina, the theory makes so much sense because what else besides a non-human entity would keep Jesse from leaving? The theory of Michelle not being real reminds me of this Lifetime movie with Rita Wilson and Victor Garber as a happily married couple who hire a nanny to care for their 10 year old daughter, Rebecca aka Doc and 4 year old son Sam and the invisible 5 year old daughter Rita Wilson’s character thinks exists named Maggie. It’s called “Invisible Child” and is rather intriguing!


  21. brigid says:

    are you going to review fuller house on netflix?


  22. You gonna review the teaser trailer that was released?


  23. Bridget says:

    Dears, he will review “Fuller House” and I am sure it will be delightfully scathing! I picked up a copy of People magazine and the cover story is about “Fuller House” and DJ has 3 sons and Kimmy Gibbler has a daughter named Ramona. Kimmy either likes Beverly Cleary or she married a Mexican guy because Ramona is a Spanish name. I am just pointing out that the name Ramona is the feminine form of Ramon and Martin Sheen’s real name is Ramon Estevez and that is quite the ethnic name!


    • goodgollyregina says:

      Ramona Books. ❤ Kimmy definitely has some great taste in names if that was the name she was going for. I had a teacher in Elementary School who read us all the books, and it got me hooked on the series! I even have all of the Ramona books on my bookshelf too. Beverly Cleary was/is a great author, she really is.

      Exactly one month until Fuller House too! I can't wait until Billy Superstar rips all those episodes to shreds.


      • Bridget says:

        GG Regina, I will feel bad when Beverly Cleary dies! Have you read her other books like “Mitch and Amy” and “Ellen Tebbits”? Both are very good! Mitch and Amy are these 9 year old twins with the last name of Huff. Even though they annoy each other they love each other and are as close as any other twins. Because of Beverly Cleary I know a little about the condition of ick fish catch. I think she based the Huff twins on her own twin son and daughter Malcolm and Marianne. I also heard of Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gylenhaal naming their daughter Ramona and her little sister Gloria. I wonder if “Fuller House” Ramona will be cool like her mother? I think DJ’s oldest son will be like his grandfather in the way of cleaning and lecturing everyone. I will be glued to my computer when Billy reviews this!


      • goodgollyregina says:

        I haven’t read those books, but they do sound very interesting. And yes, it will be very sad when Beverly Cleary dies. She will be 100 years old this April. Let’s hope she lives to see that big age! I also hope Kimmy’s daughter Ramona will be just as cool as her mother Kimmy. Or better yet, just as cool as Ramona Quimby herself. It’ll be interesting to see how DJ’s kids will turn out. Especially if DJ’s oldest son really does turn out to be just like Danny, clean freak and all. I’m definitely gluing myself to the computer once Billy posts his reviews of the show. If it’s gonna be as ridiculous as Jodie, Candace, and Andrea “Watch Me” dance, then Billy is gonna have one heck of a field day!


      • Bridget says:

        GG Regina, I was never crazy about the names Ramona and Beatrice aka Beezus. At least their little sister is named Roberta after their father and I like that one! You should check out “Mitch and Amy,” “Ellen Tebbits” and “The Mouse and the Motorcycle” and that one is about a hotel mouse named Ralph who takes possession of this boy’s motorcycle and rides all over the hotel on it. I think since DJ’s oldest is a big brother he will be bossy and will be like Grandpa Danny! Her youngest is a chubby blond baby and if my theory about Joey’s parentage holds true, Joey is the bio father and grandfather of all the kids. I wanted to go on Fan Fiction and write “The Diary of Pamela Margaret Tanner” and one page will talk about Pam’s guilt over cheating on Danny with Joey and bearing the 3 daughters of Joey.


    • goodgollyregina says:

      I liked Ramona’s name, but I never liked Beezus’ name either. For a name like “Beatrice,” the nickname “Beau” or “Bea” could’ve worked instead of “Beezus.” I liked the name Roberta too, sounds a lot like the name Roberto. I definitely picture DJ’s oldest son being bossy and another clean freak like Danny. Maybe he’ll be staging spring cleaning sessions with the whole family! Just like Danny did in episodes like “Goodbye, Mr. Bear” and “Trouble With Danny.” Let’s hope the youngest isn’t another demon spawn like Michelle is. No more overhyped child stars that think sassing adults is cute or endearing.

      And it’s funny that you mention fanfics too. I’ve written a couple that have taken place just after the show ended. One of them is when Danny, Becky, and Jesse go on Jerry Springer, and Danny confesses to Jesse he’s been sleeping with Becky behind his back. The entire time Jesse and Becky have been together, let alone married! Predictably, Jesse gets pissed off and fights Danny, and him and Becky get divorced subsequently after. It’s called “I’m Stealing Your Lover.” I know it sounds stupid, but I came up with the idea when I was about 14, when I first started watching Full House in reruns. And about a year ago, I actually wrote a whole story about it. And two follow up stories after the fact too. Your fanfic idea sound interesting too! Since like my story, it also deals with cheating lovers. Unlike Pam though, Becky has zero remorse for cheating on Jesse with Danny. I’ve started a diary series too, only it’s about Becky and her life. I haven’t gotten very far yet, but I’d love to continue writing it somewhere down the road. I would love to share my fan/bashfics, but I’m not sure if here would be the right place for it. Either way, I love making fun of these characters.


      • Bridget says:

        I am not a fan of the name Beatrice either. I remember this old senator who called Beavis and Butthead “Buffcoat and Beatrice” and neither was a girl! Beezus reminds me too much of bees or something. I think Beatrice is better as a middle name. I think of Arlena Beatrice Twigg in “Switched at Birth” as an example. I saw Kimberly Mays who was switched with Arlena and she has tattoos, piercings, and has 6 kids with like 4 different fathers. I remember seeing Kim as a 14 year old girl getting interviewed by Barbara Walters. Regina Twigg the birth mom was interviewed too and she said Kimberly Michelle Mays is really Arlena Beatrice Twigg and she was quite adamant about that! Did you hear of that case? Robert Mays who raised Kimberly died 4 years ago and of what, no clue!
        As for Danny’s oldest grandson I think he would be like his grandfather and I hope they don’t try to shove down our throats how cute the baby is and all that! Would you do a sequel of your story with one about the filming of a TV movie or the family going on Dr. Phil? Is Becky’s diary about her and the large bald butcher Leonard having an affair? Maybe you could go on Fan Fiction and publish there or keep it here because I am quite interested!


      • goodgollyregina says:

        Well, my first story is Danny, Jesse, Becky, and another surprise guest going on Jerry Springer. My second story is Becky and Jesse getting divorced and moving out of the Full House. And the third story is Jesse losing everything from his radio show, to his Monkey Puppets band, to even the Smash Club! For my fourth story, I was thinking somewhere along the lines of Danny, Becky, and Jesse going on Maury Povich. Where Danny and Jesse take a DNA test to prove one of them is the father of Nicky and Alex. Going on Dr. Phil or filming a TV movie sound like interesting ideas too. Jesse could go on Dr. Phil and whine and emo it up about how his life is ruined thanks to Danny. And how he is so humiliated and hates his life after Danny tore his whole “family” apart. Not sure how I’d write a TV movie, but I like your idea of one.

        As for Becky’s diary, I haven’t gotten very far yet, like I said before. What I had in mind is Becky’s various affairs she’s had with Danny the entire time her and Jesse were in a relationship, let alone married. I like the idea though of Lenny the butcher being in the picture as a random guy Becky banged at some point! Lenny was in the “Bicycle Thief” episode, right?

        Here’s the first story I wrote in case you or anyone else is interested. It’s called “I’m Stealing Your Lover:”

        Part 1:
        Part 2:

        I hope this is okay to post, this is one of the three bashfics I have written about this show. Hope you and everyone else enjoys this if they read it. If this is not okay to be posting, then I understand.

        **Note, if this is posted multiple times, I am so sorry. Some reason my first attempt(s) at posting this aren’t go through.


      • goodgollyregina says:

        I would like to post my bashfics, but for some reason, NONE of my comments with them will go through. I have them published to Google documents. Are Google docs not allowed or filtered from posting on this site? Maybe I’ll post them on or email them to you. They’re really funny, and I’m sure people will enjoy them.


      • Bridget says:

        GG Regina, you really hit the nail on the head with these characterizations on the Springer show! Jesse is a vain man who ruined his wife’s baby shower and he did all those other crappy things. Good story!


      • goodgollyregina says:

        Wow, my post showcasing my fanfics actually went through after all? Awesome! I thought it was my computer or if Google docs weren’t allowed, because none of my attempted posts were going through at all. I did notice some of my posts duplicated though. Haha whoops. You can ignore those, since you have actually read my story now.

        And thanks! Glad you liked them! I’ll post my second and third fanfics very soon.

        Fuller House comes next Friday! Can’t wait for Billy to tear those episode to shreds!


  24. Bridget says:

    Dears, Billy will review “Fuller House” and he will be scathing and give the show his full attention. I picked up People Magazine and the cover story was about the new show. DJ is a widow with 3 sons, Stephanie is a musician, and Kimmy has a daughter named Ramona. I wonder if she likes Beverly Cleary or if she was with a Mexican guy because Ramona is a Spanish name that is a feminization of Ramon. All of you know Ramon Estavez as Martin Sheen and his genealogy is part Anglo/part Hispanic. I wait with baited breath on what Billy will say about the new show and maybe if it is popular it might be released on Redbox.


  25. jeffreybaratheon says:

    I just watched the latest trailer for Fuller House. I had pretty high hopes, but it was better than I possibly could have imagined. It filled me with an intense glee, bringing wave after wave of emotion through me in a way that I thought was reserved for staring into the eyes of your lover on your wedding day or eating a burrito when you’re hung over.

    They appear to have maintained every single element that made the original show so shitty: the terrible jokes, the manipulative music moments, the obnoxious catch phrases, the one-dimensional characters, the forced resolutions, all of it. I was afraid that with Netflix at the helm and with dozens of excellent sitcoms being produced in the last two decades to serve as guides, they might have figured out how to turn this into a good show. All my fears have been put to rest. I now understand that the deaths of Television Without Pity and Videogum were naught but sacrifices on the altar of snark, necessary to render this gift unto us, the sarcastic masses.

    I absolutely cannot wait for Billy excoriate this mess and as a new reader, I’m thrilled to be around to participate in the comments this time.

    Three weeks to go!


  26. Claude says:

    They did an entire biopic and not once touched on Jodie Sweetin or the Olsen’s drug addiction? Why make a biopic if it’s going to be a sanitized as the show?


  27. Steve says:

    Here are a few goofs I noticed after watching it.
    The show moved to Tuesday nights and Jeff Franklin left, both in 1991, not 1993. This scene came after we first see Candace in high school (1993) around all the jealous students. Maybe it was an editing goof. Maybe they meant to put the Jeff Franklin scene before the high school scene.

    The final episode seen was actually the SECOND to last taped. Yes, I do know this. Even Jodie said it in her book. The last episode was actually the one where Stephanie got stood up.

    Candace was introduced to Val in 1994, before the show ended. It is established here that they met AFTER the show ended.

    Also, it says 2 years later after the show ends, which has to be 1997. And it shows Bob doing his stand up routine. Then after that we see Candace’s wedding in 1996.

    Either they really don’t have their facts right or the editors did a bad job.


  28. Bridget says:

    Billy, hi, will the reviews for “Fuller House” be every Friday?


  29. The Clifford Olsen Twins says:

    Wow. I can’t believe I watched this steaming pile of dump. I didn’t think that I could possibly see anything that rated lower than To Riverdale and Back Again, but there it is.


  30. ihatebenedictcumberbatch says:

    I realize you probably don’t check this anymore, (great blog by the way) but I have to ask:

    Are you going to review “Fuller House” ? I know it’s being released on Feb. 26th and I thought of this blog the second I heard it was coming out.

    I’d love to hear your take on it, if you do!


  31. ihatebenedictcumberbatch says:

    Please keep in mind: I totally forgot you already said you WOULD be reviewing “Fuller House.” I am a natural idiot, and I haven’t been on this blog in a while (unfortunately). Just feel free to disregard!


  32. Bridget says:

    Billy, in one day you will be getting the Fuller House series on Netflix! Are you excited?


    • The Clifford Olsen Twins says:

      I would imagine the term ‘full of dread’ would better describe his feelings.


      • Bridget says:

        I think mixed emotions would be better because he probably dreads seeing “Fuller House” but at the same time wants to review it very much.


      • goodgollyregina says:

        I’m only looking forward to Fuller House for Billy’s reviews. And tomorrow is the big day too! It will be streaming at 3 AM Eastern Time/12 AM Pacific according to Facebook. I’ll be keeping my eyes peeled on this site for sure!


  33. > “Seconds before penetration occurs”

    I quite literally could have died at that moment of suffocation from laughter. Lord I missed you, Billy Superstar.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s