The Unauthorized Full House Story Part 3

I can’t even remember what was going on when we left off.  Whatever it was, it wasn’t that interesting.  I do remember that it was at the 55 minute mark, because I’m keeping track of those minutes, real close.

Jesse and DJ hang out in the same studio courtyard set that they used in the Saved By the Bell Lifetime movie (and probably a bunch of other crappy Lifetime biopics that I haven’t watched, too).  DJ worries about shitty stuff that she’s seen about herself in tabloids and Jesse just kind of talks about himself and how that relates to him.  She wonders what it would be like to have a normal life and he encourages her to go to a normal people school.  He kind of seems like he’s coming on to her the whole time and I kept waiting for them to start kissing but it never happened.  I guess that’s probably just what talking to John Stamos is like in real life.  You’re just waiting for him to kiss you the whole time.

She starts talking about how her brother is trying to convince her to get closer to god (when’s the biopic about Kirk Cameron’s crazy god obsession gonna come out!??!) and you can tell that Jesse’s like whatever about that shit but then he’s just like, do your thing, man.  Like, I get hella pussy and strum my guitar, that’s my thing.  If you wanna grow up to be some conservative bible thumper then, like, whatever.  Raven Simone isn’t gonna like it but, like, that’s her thing.

Bob Saget takes notes while watching endless videos of babies getting hit in the nuts for his side gig and then John Stamos comes into his office or dressing room or whatever and tells him that Dave Coulier’s come back to work just 1 day after his sister’s funeral.

Wait, what?  We didn’t even ever hear about him having a sister.  We have heard about Bob Saget’s sister’s terminal illness, but that’s got nothing to do with this.  The pair of them find Dave Coulier on set and ask him why he’s at work if he’s dealing with some fucked up ass life bullshit.  Dave Coulier is clearly trying to repress him emotions and then when they ask him why he doesn’t go home to his wife and child he tells them that he’s getting a divorce on account of his wife realizing that she was married to Dave Coulier.  He also says that he’s not that great at being a grown up and before anyone can chime in about how he’s not great at being a comedian or tv actor or a person that doesn’t look like he needs to get punched in the face all the time the Olsen twins roll up and belch out some indecipherable gibberish.

Seriously, I rewound it 4 times.  I have no idea what they said.  It kind of sounds like, “I saved you from a nap.”  Coulier cradles the cryptic children and asks his costars, “wouldn’t it be great if real life was more like Full House?”  Fuck no it wouldn’t.  There’s no sex or alcohol, and everyone’s a totally self-obsessed piece of shit.  If my life was like Full House it’d be a very special episode about suicide.

It’s 1993 and we see a high school hallway where some young woman we’ve never seen before has apparently just enrolled.  She keeps talking about being on set and… oh, wait, that’s supposed to be Candace Cameron.

I guess they decided to switch actresses in the last 20 minutes of the movie.  Sure, why not?  Some mean girls shit talk Candace and her shitty ass tv show and for a split second it made me think about how it would feel for the actors to hear people’s harsh criticisms of their terrible performances but I had to stuff those feelings down a la Dave Coulier in the previous scene because otherwise I was about to have to take a long hard look at my life and it was gonna be rough.

New DJ tells the other girls what the outside world is like as we meet the rest of the time-lapsed kids.  They’re all as hollow and unremarkable as the actresses they’ve replaced.  I have nothing else to say about them.

Some producer or stagehand or something finds Bob Saget and Dave Coulier goofing off backstage and he tells them that they’ll start filming soon but they don’t give no fucks. They continue to goof around with props while John Stamos approaches, who joins in on their naughty mischief.  They open a refrigerator and bust out some whipped cream, which leads to the most controversial moment in the whole movie.  Brace yourself, gentle reader, as I am about to tell you something that may shock you:  the dads do whip-its.

I know that’s not as shocking as if there’d been a scene where someone like smokes a cigarette one time or says a bad word or something, but this is all we’re gonna get.  I’m not sure if it’s a result of the nitrous oxide or years of palpable sexual tension between these fellows, but either way they all start spraying each other with whipped cream.

Seconds before penetration occurs, Jeff Franklin comes back there and tells them to knock it the fuck off and then that’s it.  That is the height of controversy and drama that you will find in this snooze-fest.

Bob Saget’s daughter starts getting all up his ass about how he spends more time with his tv family instead of his real one because I guess she doesn’t realize that not having him around all the time is a best case scenario.

He tells her that she can suck it because he’s actually going to visit his dying sister, which is always a pretty good way to win an argument.  Take THAT, girl who needs her father!  You also get a sense that Mrs. Saget is getting tired of the absentee husband routine as well and you can kind of see the gears turning as it dawns on her that she can get half his shit and not have to look at his stupid face anymore in one fell swoop.

The Olsen twins appear on some talk show while the rest of their young costars watch and hate on them.  Meanwhile, the Olsen parents argue over the appropriate handling of their young commodities, again portraying the mom as being uncomfortable with the incredible wealth and luxury her ugly children have bought her.

When Bob Saget’s sister dies it gets actual screen time. Seriously, what was up with Dave Coulier’s shoehorned sister death? Anyway, Bog Saget’s wife encourages him to take comfort from his stupid obnoxious tv family and then she sits and watches from the car, looking all butt hurt as Saget smiles and makes dead sister jokes with Dave Coulier.

They cut to another weird scene of John Stamos and his shitty band performing a terrible cover in the rehearsal room and then Jeff Franklin comes in and tells everyone that he’s leaving the show to go work on Hanging With Mr. Cooper. Remember that show? It was hella better than Full House. It was weird how it got totally retooled a few seasons in. Remember when they added Raven Simone and it became a way more family friendly show? It totally wasn’t as good after that. Anyway, he tells them that it’s been a honor to work with a bunch of no talent pieces of shit on the most egregious creative compromise of his career and then they all have a disgusting group hug.

There’s another scene portraying Bob Saget as a negligent husband and then we cut to Dave Coulier and John Stamos backstage at a fashion show. Stamos alludes to being tired of swimming in an endless sea of poonana but then he bumps into Rebecca Romijn and they have a little meet-cute.

Everyone talks about all the shit they got going on in the rehearsal room as the Season wraps up. DJ talks about her tv movie, which I’m pretty sure is the one where Fred Savage plays her murderer boyfriend. Everyone gossips about Lori Loughlin’s recent divorce and you can tell that John Stamos is hella mad that he missed his window to hit it now that he’s all up in Rebecca Romijn.

The shows producers walk in and tell everyone that even though the show still has high ratings, the network finally realized that it sucks fat dick and needs to die already. Jodie Sweetin has like her only dramatic moment when she talks about how the network can’t take the show away from them (seriously, if she hadn’t said this then they may as well have not even shown her at all for the last half of the movie) and then everyone hugged and cried until I barfed all over my keyboard.

The reenactment of the final episode is actually sort of faithful to the original version, which threw me for a loop. They do the part where Steve comes back in the final moments and it’s kind of like, oh yeah, there was a whole other cast member that they never even mentioned at all until now (they also never mention the twins but I’m sure not complaining about that oversight).

The guy that plays Steve is way more of a nebbish than the original but he’s probably like someone’s son or something and, besides, he’s got like one line. Oh, wait, I just noticed that when they do the final cast bow, the twins are standing there. Well, ok.

2 years later, Bob Saget is back to telling jokes about nuts on stage. John Stamos is performing on Broadway, which is not a total travesty. They don’t bother to tell us what Dave Coulier is doing, which is fine by me, but then we cut back to Bob Saget as he and his wife sit down to sign divorce papers. He says that he thought things would get better after the show ended and she says that the show was never the problem, which I assume is an admittance that the problem was always his stupid face. Or maybe just the endless dick jokes.

Candace Cameron and Lori Loughlin go to a charity hockey game that Dave Coulier’s playing in and he introduces them to some Russian hockey player. The Russian guy tells them that he learned to speak English from watching Full House and then he says, “oh my lanta” to Candace and she’s like, “you’re funny.” Yeah, tv show actors always think that people who quote their catch phrases at them are real funny. Anyway, the next scene jumps ahead 4 years to their wedding because wedding’s are a really good way to wrap up crappy biopics.

After the ceremony the cast all gather together and hug for about 2 minutes straight and then, in true Full House fashion, Bob Saget interrupts the reception by giving a long toast that’s mostly about himself and not at all appropriate or interesting to anyone else.

Gentle music plays as he talks about the character of Danny Tanner and ice cream and hugs and that they’re a family in real life even though they only played a completely deplorable one on tv, then Dave Coulier farts, which is a pretty fitting ending to this entire mess.

Well, I’m glad that’s over. It was kinda fun to be back, even for a big pile of garbage like this. I do think that this productions total lack of quality was appropriate given its subject matter, but I wish they’d managed to dig up some actual behind the scenes dirt. Couldn’t they have thrown in some stuff about Alanis Morrisette, or like some fucked up shit that happened later? I’m pretty sure that the Olsen twins became big coke heads when they were teenagers. Well, whatever.

That’s it for the foreseeable future. I will be reviewing Fuller House when that comes out (and yet somehow I still bet there will be a comment below that asks if I’ll be reviewing it). I have a tentative deal with an actual website to publish the reviews there so if that pans out I’ll just link to them on here when they’re up. We’ll see how interested they still are when the show actually comes out. Until then, be sure to check out the weekly podcast I do with several other hilarious geniuses, Saved By the Bell Reviewed.  As always, I remain

Your pal,

~Billy Superstar~