Kimmie Gibbler’s no-good, soon-to-be-ex-husband fucks up when he’s supposed to pick up their daughter’s birthday cake and accidentally gets one that’s meant for a priest who is retiring from a lifetime of molesting young boys.
I know that not all priests molest young boys and everything but I just want you all to look at that picture one more time and try to tell me that the creators didn’t go out of their way to pick the guy with the most boy molestingest face imaginable to put on that cake.
There’s just no way that guy hasn’t molested a lot of young boys.
So, anyway, Ramona is turning 13 and her big wish is for her parents to get along. They vow to make this wish come true and then they give her some fancy shoes that she has a hard time walking in.
Meanwhile, down at DJ’s pet clinic, Steve shows up and he’s like please baby baby please baby baby baby please but DJ is like, “remember how my husband got burned alive in a fire? I’m still all fucked up over that. We can hang out if you want but there’s no way I’m lettin’ you stick it in,” and Steve is down, probably because not having sex with DJ gives him fond memories of when they dated in high school. Matt, the new guy that DJ works with, enters the scene with Steve’s dog and Steve is like who the fuck is this mufucka?
Steve gets all threatened by Matt’s masculine swagger and decides that the best way to prevent him from having sexual tension with DJ is to fix him up with Kimmie Gibbler. DJ actually thinks that setting Matt up with Kimmie Gibbler is a good idea so she invites him to Ramona’s party because nothing makes a girl’s 13th birthday more memorable than a strange man coming over to fuck her mom.
DJ wonders why she feels compelled to clean the fuller house before the kids’ party and then there’s an extended close-up of her dusting a terrifying photo of Danny’s horrible face.
Man, if I had a picture like that in my place I’d never sleep again. DJ’s middle kid comes in and starts talking about how much trouble he’s having with training the dog to stop shitting in the house. Why is this his responsibility? I know that he should be learning how to take care of the dog and everything but it seems pretty obvious that this kid doesn’t-and shouldn’t be expected to-have the capacity to housetrain a dog. He’s like 8 years old. Regardless, DJ’s just like, handle that shit, with no help from me.
Ramona comes home with her parents and makes a meta-joke about the dress that she just bought, which was designed by the Olsen twins. It’s slightly more subtle than the show’s last onscreen comment about the Olsen twins because the actors don’t all stop and stare at the camera for 30 seconds this time.
Stephanie walks into DJ’s oldest kid’s room as he covers himself with cheap cologne and stupid accessories because he hella wants to bang one of Ramona’s friends. Stephanie talks him into removing all of the stupid accessories and I guess it’s supposed to be a valuable life lesson about being who you are or whatever but it could also just be about choosing better accessories. I kind of think that he should have kept the huge gold chain, tho.
There’s a whole scene with DJ’s middle kid making the dog sit on a little plastic potty that’s entirely designed to make us go, “aww.” It is a pretty cute dog but even still, I feel like my intelligence is being insulted here.
Ramona gets all dressed up for her party and then, while she takes pictures with her parents, Matt shows up and he and DJ share some more of that delightful will-they-or-won’t-they tension. It’s done well enough to almost make you give a shit about what will happen. Matt is supposed to be introduced to Kimmie Gibbler but she and Fernando are all groping each other and shit while they get their photos taken together so Matt’s like why you trynna hook me up with some woman who’s still all up on her ex-husband? Good question!
The next thing we see is Ramona’s birthday party, which looks pretty alright. Where is this supposed to be exactly? I’m not really clear on that…
Anyway, DJ’s oldest kid tries to hit on Ramona’s friend, Lola, and he fucks it up because he’s a sorry ass chump. Just as Stephanie prepares to subject everyone to her tasteless electronic garbage music the power goes out, denying the one true cure for all of these poor kids who are clearly suffering from dance fever. Stephanie tries to salvage the party by playing music from her iphone but it doesn’t work because it’s a terrible idea.
Inside the house, DJ’s middle kid worries that the power going out is a sign of the zombie apocalypse. Oh, so I guess that means that the party was taking place in the backyard. I couldn’t really tell. Anyway, DJ’s middle kid interrogates DJ to find out if she’s a zombie and then he starts wondering if the baby is a zombie, which the audience really finds hilarious for some reason, probably just because they like looking at the baby.
Stephanie frantically tries to get the party back on track and suggests that everyone enjoys some cake while they wait for the power to come back on. Unfortunately, she takes the cover off the cake only to discover that it’s melted.
Is the cake melting supposed to be related to the power going out, or are these problems unrelated? It seems really odd to me that no one would have thought about an ice cream cake melting. How long was it sitting out there? Anyway, long story short, Stephanie kind of flails around and tries to make the party suck less ass but it’s a lost cause.
DJ and Matt find Kimmie Gibbler standing alone in the kitchen so DJ takes it as an opportunity to introduce them, in a sexy way. Unfortunately, Kimmie Gibbler immediately starts choking but Matt has the good sense to administer the Heimlich maneuver.
Kimmie Gibbler hugs Matt with gratitude after he saves her life but, wouldn’t you know it? Fernando walks in right then and misinterprets their interaction and then, in true cartoon Latin stereotype fashion, he challenges Matt to like a duel or something.
DJ and Kimme Gibbler explain that Matt was saving Kimmie Gibbler from choking and then Fernando starts thanking and kissing him. Man, this guy can’t turn it down a notch for even one second.
Matt decides to leave so DJ walks him out and the sexual tension between them as they say goodbye is like a sauna, you guys. It’s just that hot and steamy. Right as Matt is about to whip it out, DJ opens the front door and Steve is standing there, fully ready to murder DJ if she won’t return his affections. Seriously, I like Steve and everything, but he’s being a real fucking creep right here.
Ramona walks in on her parents arguing and she’s like wah wah wah my party sucks a fat dick and my stupid parents won’t stop fighting and then she runs upstairs to pout like a stupid baby and the audience kind of softly goes, “aww.” This show is all about acknowledging what was bad about the original show while still doing it anyway. Like, we’re supposed to know that it’s hokey when the audience goes, “aww” but if they do it kinds of subtly it’s ok, or like a throwback or something.
So Kimmie Gibbler and Fernando go up to Ramona’s room and they’re like sorry that we’re such shitty parents. Ramona says that she wishes that they could get along and they’re pretty real about how they have a really dysfunctional relationship but they still love her and want to be good parents. I actually think that this is fairly well done. Like, they clearly still wanna bang each other but they can’t work it out as married people so they’re trying to balance that out because they’re both devoted to their kid. That’s some real shit that happens and it’s presented here as a complicated situation, not one that has a simple solution. Again, I’m basing my praise off of incredibly low standards but, all things considered, I thought that this was not terrible.
Everyone from the party comes into Ramona’s room and sings her happy birthday while carrying cupcakes with candles in them. I’m not sure where the cupcakes came from but whatever. Just as things seem to be turning out ok the power comes back on because everyone has to get what they want all the time on these shows and then Ramona alludes to her birthday wish being for her parents to get back together. That’s probably what will end up happening, if for no other reason than to prove me wrong for trying to give this show some credit.
All the kids start dancing to Stephanie’s horrible doo doo beats and then DJ’s oldest kid tries asks Ramona’s friend that he has a boner for if he can dance near her and she’s like I don’t give a fuck what you do, which he takes as a victory.
After the party, Ramona expresses her gratitude to her parents for making sure that she had an only kind of shitty birthday and then she leaves them to have a moment alone. They sorta patch things up and then they start dry humping and DJ’s middle kid sees the whole thing, which will surely cause him to be sexually dysfunctional in a few years. I mean, he might be already. He was hiding in the doghouse with that dog and there was some serious barking going on. Anyway, Kimmie Gibbler tells him that he has to keep the dry-humping a secret because it might make for a somewhat intriguing multi-part storyline, what with this Netflix binge-all-the-episodes-at-once model and everything, and then DJ comes out and asks what’s going on and no one will tell her. What a cliffhanger!
I think what I love best about your reviews is how you take every opportunity to insult whatever or whoever you can. Instead of it just being a photo of Danny, it’s a terrifying photo of Danny (and you’re right; it is scary). It reminds me of the writing in Futurama, like “Fry, you smelly idiot!”
Thanks for another hilarious review.
Billy, I wish they would have used the picture of the priest from the DQ commercial on the ice cream cake! In that commercial a perfectly nice priest is treated to an ice cream cake by the nuns on Father’s Day. He says he knows he is no biological or adopted father, but people call him Father like they do all priests. He also says he will enjoy the cake. Off topic: the golden puppy is very cute and my dog is a teenage golden and he is still quite cute as well!
Aw, Bridget, that dog sounds so sweet! We have a Yellow Lab back home, and her “teenage” months (as you put them) were adorable. What’s your puppy’s name?
Car, his name’s Buddy and we can never do enough for him! We think he hangs the moon and we take him places and he is just happy to be with us! What is your dog’s name? I was walking Buddy once in front of the neighbor’s house and her wiggly, rather wild yellow lab girl puppy ran up to Buddy and I am sure she thought Buddy was her daddy!
Oh, Buddy is a great name for a dog! Our Yellow Lab is named Savannah, and she’s ridiculous–even though she’s 120 pounds of dog, she A) thinks she’s pug-sized (she was “raised” by our elderly pug Fabio before he passed away) and B) is terrified of other dogs, even little ones. If she met Buddy, she’d probably try to hide…
Car, we had an older golden with Buddy named Daisy. Once when she was fully grown, she sat on my grandma’s lap and all you could see was grandma’s arms under Daisy and I had to get my mother to come to get Daisy off of her! Buddy would love Savannah and he wouldn’t hurt her. Our neighbors had a golden girl named Starr and Buddy ran next door during the winter time to see her when she was outside. Dad took off in the van to look for Buddy. I saw him right away and had to jump over snow drifts to bring him home! This is a strange coincidence: our neighbors one door down had a yellow lab named Savannah who had a stomach problem. Once she ran into our house because we left the door open for Buddy. She went over and ate all his food.
I’m beginning to think the House doesn’t just drive people insane, it drives people insane by granting their wishes, but in a weird Monkey Paw like way. Everyone who lives there gets everything they want all the time, but in such a shallow and unsatisfying way that it turns them into empathy-free assholes.
Ramona wants her parents to get back together, even though their relationship is clearly fucked, so the House is making it happen, which will trap them in an unfulfilling and joyless marriage forever. It’s the same way it gave Jesse a hollow music career and marriage to a babe he mistreats, Joey got a comedy career where he no doubt does the same Bullwinkle impression every night to audiences who don’t know why they are laughing, Stephanie got a DJ career but is reduced to playing a 13 year old’s birthday party…
You know what? Let’s see how far this rabbit hole goes. I think Stephanie was jealous of her big sister as a kid. She literally wanted to be “DJ Tanner”. The House said “You got it, bitch” and here we are.
And Michelle, the most spoiled character of all? Getting ONE life of luxury would never be enough for her. The House created the Olsen Twins, so now there are three identical women in the fashion industry, and nobody questions it.
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Ooh, that’s intriguing! I think that on the original series, the House only granted MICHELLE’S wishes, which is why everyone was forced to bow to her whims. But then the House stupidly granted her wish for freedom, and now it’s trying to corrupt other souls to feed on by trying the same tactic for everyone. I’d like that to be the series finale–the House reveals its sentience, and the team of people who have resisted it over the years–Kimmie Gibbler, Aaron Bailey, Rebecca Donaldson (NOT Aunt Becky), and the ghost of Papouli–band together to fight it off.
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I’d watch that.
LupinThe8, I would add “Sinister 2” to the monkey paw story. I saw the episode about Jesse graduating high school and Nicky and Alex were dressed in jeans and one twin wore a red plaid buttoned down shirt and the other wore a blue plaid shirt like the Collins twins in the movie. I had to look at my “Sinister 2” movie box to make sure! We could add Mr. Boogie to the mix or something. He could be the one who deprives those over privileged idiots their happiness!
“This show is all about acknowledging what was bad about the original show while still doing it anyway.”
You’ve just said it all right there. No need to do any more reviews.
I lie, of course. Your reviews are fantastic. Please keep going.
This episode had me wondering if the police ever interviewed Steve about his whereabouts on the day of DJ’s husband’s death, ’cause I feel like there is some non-zero chance he may have been the one to start that fire.
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OMG Billy, watch this! I died. LOLOL
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Well, that was mildly terrifying.
Omg that was terrifying! They really went for the creepy Danny molesting his whole family vibe and nailed it.
This episode establishes that in the Full House universe, the Olsen twins have a fashion empire in New York, and so does Michelle Tanner. So, have they ever met each other? Do they go to the same parties? Do the Olsen twins think it’s weird that this woman who looks exactly like them is also a big player in the NY fashion scene? I think I’d rather be watching that show.
Also, how did the Olsen twins get famous in this universe? Were they on some other shitty family sitcom? Did the Tanner family watch it, being that they were so wholesome and that shit probably would’ve been their favorite show? Did Michelle ever think it was weird that there was a girl who looked just like her on TV?
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If a Full House-esque sitcom exists in their universe, it would have to be sappier and more corny than the original. I don’t think I can wrap my mind around that.
I’m glad you’re back to it. I didn’t find the original posts until after you were already done.
It’ll be interesting to see if Kimmie and Ramona get progressively cornier as the series goes on. It should confirm or deny your Overlook Hotel theory. I watched this season drunk, so I’ll have to read your posts about the rest of the episodes to verify whether or not it’s already happening.
Is it bad that I’m hoping they’ll talk at least one of the Olsen twins into guest starring because your hatred for Michelle (which I share) is so damn entertaining for me?
Another great one! Two questions: why do you think this series is so much better than Full House? I know that a pile of dog excrement on a plate is better than Full House, so we’re dealing with low standards here, but what specifically did they do to slightly raise the bar? Is it the writing? The acting? The extreme lack of Joey?
And my other question: what was the point of the zombie apocalypse bit? It had nothing to do with the rest of the episode, and it kind of seemed like filler that was designed to pander to the audience by making jokes about the baby and–oh, wait. I just remembered what show this is.
That zombie thing was awful. Not in a “terrible” way, but in a mediocre way. It WAS just filler. Like, Ramona’s party and Kimmy-Fernando (need a good ship name here – Fimmy? Kimando?) were the A-plot, and DJ-Matt-Steve were the B-plot, but did they decide that they needed to feature more Yeller, so gave him a C-plot? Who does that? Plus, it was lumped together with the dog house-training thing? Whut? I think you’re right, Car – more lines for Yeller plus cute look from baby= the formula for this shit.
I’m going to go with extreme lack of Joey.
I think the zombie subplot was a hamfisted attempt at being hip and modern.
Is it just me, or does Steve look eeriely like Kirk Cameron in that shot of him on the porch? Maybe it’s just because he looks nuts.
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Some of my thoughts and questions during this episode (which didn’t make me want to kill anyone even though I’m both sleep-deprived and 100% sober).
Why was it Stephanie’s responsibility to try and keep the party going? I mean I know she was the DJ but Kimmie was the party planner – and the MOM. You’d think it would fall on her to try to make sure her daughter’s party didn’t implode. Why was she just standing around inside? I mean it is OBVIOUS that she was fantasizing about blowing her ex-husband, which is why she was chowing down (and then choking) on corndogs and possibly meatballs. (Could we more thinly veil dick and ball references, Fuller House?)
I swear that puppy is a far more skilled actor than the yeller. That puppy sitting on a toilet showed more acting chops than one should expect from a dog. And even that bit at the end where DJ asked the dog what was going on and he barked (presumably “nothing”) and ran solidified his higher ranking in the acting hierarchy than the yeller.
I think the guy playing Matt is one of the highlights of the show – well, at least this episode. I felt he did the witty banter quite well.
Oh my, I laughed so hard at the priest molesting young boys bit. The use of the word “molestingest” was truly inspired.
Oh, and even the baby(ies) seem to be a better actor than the yeller. I know it was more likely a coincidence but when the yeller was accusing the baby of being a zombie and the baby turned and looked at DJ – it was perfection. The baby had a look on his face like, “What the fuck is this kid talking about?” and seemed to be questioning DJ as to why his older brother was such an idiot.
“I swear that puppy is a far more skilled actor than the yeller. That puppy sitting on a toilet showed more acting chops than one should expect from a dog. And even that bit at the end where DJ asked the dog what was going on and he barked (presumably “nothing”) and ran solidified his higher ranking in the acting hierarchy than the yeller.”
I was just gonna say, when even a dog can act better than a kid, that really says a lot right there. Also, Steve is acting like a real creep here. It makes me almost grateful he never actually went on to marry DJ after all. I mean…. boundaries. O_O
Great review as always Billy!
Okay, firstly: that party was bitchin’ with or without power. You got a cute new dress and shoes, presumably both of which were expensive. Your parents attempted to get along for the day at your request. STFU, Ramona. Your inner Michelle is showing.
Secondly, I’m really loving the fact that everyone has pulled out their haunted house theories on this thread so far. You guys are the best.
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Maybe it’s because of the short hiatus, but I think I laughed out more times at this review than I have at any of the other ones. Great job, as always!
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I’m surprised you didn’t mention Steve asking Matt if he had a husband after he said he didn’t have a wife or girlfriend, since it’s the first time homosexuality is actually outright mentioned on this or the original show.
I think Steve’s presence on this show and the whole Steve/Matt thing is perhaps the strangest thing on this show. It just didn’t make a lot of sense for him to be back from a storyline standpoint and it’s clear he was brought back just for fanservice so they had to get him in someway. Why would someone in real life be chasing the same woman that dumped him in high school 20 years ago 20 years later? I guess it could happen, but it just seems really weird to me. It does make you wonder if Steve did indeed start the fire that killed DJ’s husband, since they make Steve creepy enough to do that on this show.
I thought the joke about the Olsen twins was really funny. But that is a good point someone made– the Olsen twins are existing in the same universe as Michelle here, doing the exact same thing in the exact same place.
I also liked how they portrayed Kimmy and Fernando’s relationship and their struggle to get along for Ramona but also showing they are clearly still at least sexually attracted to each other. At least with Ramona as opposed to Michelle she’s not just being selfish or just because she wants to eat cake. It’s perfectly legitimate to want to see your parents get back together.
As for the cupcakes, someone must have went to the grocery store or a bakery and bought them at some point. They were in the plastic containers you usually see them in from a store.
Hi again, all! Like Sarah said, I love how everyone is posting their “The Full House is alive” theories on this post…so I combined them over at TV Tropes! Check it out here:
(It’s the entry that begins “The Full House is a malevolent living entity…”)
Let me know what you think!
Slow clap, Car. Slow clap. 😀
Dayum! That is awesome! Billy Superstar and Sarah Portland and the rest! You made in canon!
xoxo ❤ Pink Dork
I know it’s weird but I feel like I developed a crush on Steve as these episodes with him progressed. His almost obsessive but sweetly relentless love for DJ is adorable to me
And this was probably my least favorite of the 13 episodes. I don’t know why, but it felt fast paced and slow at the same time and nothing really seemed to happen…
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Adorable? He’s a stalker. Shudder
Ew. He’s not sweet, he’s psychotic.
I fucking hate this Matt character. Steve is a gross washed up loser too. All of the love interests are crap. But I guess word is out that the Tanner/Fuller women are all totally insane from years of living in the weird cult they call a family so only others who are also insane (Steve) and people from out of town who haven’t learned the truth yet (Matt) would be pursue them.
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So glad we’re into the “Creepy as Hell Steve” plot. Show no mercy, Billy!
I think Fernando is the new Aunt Becky in terms of the ass department, upon pausing one moment in this episode me and a friend realized his ass definitely looks like two succulent hams pressed together. I wanted you to know. Love your reviews!~
I was like, why is the kid requesting a foul ball? Hitting a foul ball isn’t an accomplishment, it is saying “I want a momento of your failings.”
Then the aggressive man in the crowd explictly said “you can’t get everything you want,” and so I knew that the whole point of the foul ball talk was so when he learned this lesson, it was establishing that the kid would be getting a home run ball.
I assume you have expressly said it, but maybe I just put it together from reading the blog, but this show’s main premise is people learning they can’t always get what they want, and as a reward for learning that they get what they wanted. I really think that they know you are writing this blog and they are trolling you for cracking their code.
“and Steve is like who the fuck is this mufucka?”
I’ll tell you who.
It’s that mothafucka Duck Face!
The sight of the melted ice cream cake actually made me go “ew, what the fuck?!” out loud. Truly disturbing.