Ramona practices her sweet, contemporary dance moves in her room until the baby crawls in, all wrapped up in toilet paper. There used to be a lot of throwaway gags on the old show about the baby doing all sorts of unsupervised activities and I always felt like that was something that you couldn’t really get away with portraying in a humorous light on a tv show anymore, but I guess that I was wrong. Anyway, DJ’s middle kid starts shouting (like, beyond his standard method of shouting) about how he’s gotta take a fat ass shit and there’s no toilet paper because the baby is crawling around wrapped up in it for no discernible reason. DJ’s kid starts pulling toilet paper off of the baby but he keeps deciding that it’s not enough because he’s about to drop a real record-breaker in there and then finally he just grabs the whole baby, presumably because a baby covered in toilet paper is the only effective tool for scraping all the leftover shit from his asshole after the monumental dump that he’s about to take.
Stephanie comes home from a night out as DJ prepares for work. Gosh, they’re sisters but they’re so different, and yet they still find a way to love and understand one another. Stephanie says that she’s enjoying a flash of fame after her baseball game breakup from last episode so lots of strange men are trying to bang her. Stephanie then asks DJ about how her Steve vs. Matt love triangle is going and there’s an awful lot of exposition here, especially for a show that’s released all at once and is probably binge-watched by most people, not to mention the fact that the storylines we’re being caught up on are pretty simple and easy to remember. There’s also a joke about The View, and if I’m not mistaken it’s because Candace Cameron is on that show. Is that right? I refuse to look it up.
Kimmie Gibbler comes downstairs and tells DJ that she’s all prepared for her bosses retirement party that evening. Man, they’ve really gotten a lot of mileage out of Kimmie Gibbler’s party planner job. DJ says that the party theme has to be changed at the last minute because her boss has decided to retire to an ashram in Mumbai and then the audience laughs. That’s not even a joke, it’s just information. Anyway, the party needs to have an Indian theme at the last minute and it’s really important that everything goes just perfectly because DJ is pretty sure that her boss is going to put her in charge of the pet clinic when he retires, which would fulfill her lifelong dream. It makes a lot of sense that his decision would be contingent on the quality of this party. I hope this goes without a hitch, guys. I really do. Kimmie Gibbler’s like, I’m gonna need some help if I’m gonna change a whole party at the last minute and then DJ’s all, you should hire Stephanie because she’s unemployed and just loafs around all day before going out at night to take molly and spread gonorrhea.
Kimmie Gibbler interviews Stephanie for the job and they do a bit where she checks her references by calling DJ, who’s standing about 10 feet behind them, and it’s sort of a little bit funny. Kimmy Gibbler decides to hire Stephanie and then she tells her to go to Target and buy all of their Indian-looking products, of which I’m sure there are many.
Ramona and DJ’s oldest kid take DJ’s computer and try to illegally watch R-rated movies on it but they contract some sort of virus. Has anyone ever actually gotten a computer virus that looked like this? It’s an incredibly outdated representation, but it’s also one that wasn’t true to life even when it was being used all the time.
The kids somehow automatically know that it’s going to cost $100 to get rid of the virus, which is more than they have. All of a sudden DJ’s middle kid appears and is like, I got mad funds, son. They try to do this routine where he appears by spinning around in a chair and he’s supposed to have this James Bond Villain-esque vibe but the kids physicality is just so bizarre that it barely reads. What’s up with this kid? He’s got a little bit of charisma in there but he also has this really unnatural quality, like he’s too fidgety and unfocused to fully commit to anything. Like, this spinning in the chair bit almost works but then the way that he’s sitting is just so weird that you can’t stop thinking about how you’re watching a little kid try really hard to perform on a tv show.
Down at the pet clinic, Matt asks DJ to talk to him in the only set that’s not the front waiting room and then they go in there and start making out.
DJ’s boss/Matt’s dad walks in and Matt starts hugging him even tho I’m sure he must have a boner. DJ’s boss/Matt’s dad says that he’s handing the clinic over to Matt and that it wouldn’t have happened if Matt didn’t wanna bang DJ so bad that he moved to San Francisco, so not only does DJ have to be passed over for her dream career that she worked really hard for, she is also made to feel like she brought it on herself. Dang.
DJ and Matt are left alone and she’s like this shit fucking sucks ass. He’s like, I do have a lot of experience so this isn’t just like completely blatant nepotism (I’m kind of glad that they included that detail because it makes the situation make more sense) and then DJ exhibits how qualified she is to run the clinic by taking the rest of the day off to go home and pout.
DJ’s kids and Ramona convene in the boy’s room and the middle kid continues to fall short of a likeable delivery for all of his lines. It turns out that he’s accumulated a giant ziploc bag full of cash so he loans them they money they need, on the condition that they have to do all sorts of terrible stuff for him all the time until they pay him back. Then he makes them rub his feet. Man, that situation got real bad, real fast. I also think it’s weird that these kids are handling cash in order to fix a computer problem. Are they gonna go down to the bank to deposit the cash and then pay for the computer fixing software with their debit cards? How is this all supposed to work exactly?
Kimmie Gibbler comes home and asks Stephanie how her shopping trip went and then Stephanie drums up some ad revenue for the show by saying how great Target is. Stephanie says that she thought of a great addition for the party and I’m sure you could have guessed that it would be a cow.
Add a cow to the long list of weird shit that’s been in the kitchen. A horse. A car. The Beach Boys. Now a cow. The kids all come down and they’re like oh damn there’s a cow in the kitchen how about that? And then DJ comes home and everyone decides all together all at once that it’s really important that DJ does not see the cow and hijinks ensue, you guys. They really ensue.
The try-to-keep-a-family-member-from-seeing-something routine is one that has occurred on Full House more than a lot of times. Well, here it is again. DJ comes in and talks about how she got fucked over at the pet clinic and then, as the family all stand in a weird formation and make cow noises and stuff, she wonders if she shouldn’t just start her own clinic. I guess maybe DJ is too involved in her own thoughts to notice her family doing a horrible job of concealing a big ass cow from her.
Anyway, eventually she sees it and it doesn’t even end up being that big of a deal.
Next, we see the Indian themed party. This party makes a lot of sense because I know that I would love for my send-off to another country to be a terrible representation of it. Who wouldn’t? DJ’s middle kid makes Ramona and the older kid wheel him around and fan him and stuff because he’s a rotten piece of shit. Why don’t they just tell DJ what they did? Would the consequences be nearly as bad as this?
DJ enters the party with the baby and Matt comes over to her like damn girl you lookin mad fly and then DJ tells him that she thinks that she’s going to leave to start her own clinic. He’s like wait let’s talk about this but of course that very second his dad grabs him and makes him go up on the stage to address the crowd. DJ’s boss/Matt’s dad says some stuff to the party crowd and then he gets DJ to say a few words and she’s like this is some bullshit around here, Ima start my own clinic.
Kimmie Gibbler appraoches Stephanie and she’s like, this party is a shitty failure what are we gonna do? and then Stephanie is like, I got this.
I can’t say that I was hoping that there’d be more Stephanie dance routines, but, oh well. She starts busting some moves and then all of a sudden the entire party launches into a choreographed dance routine, which just doesn’t make any sense at all. Regardless, the whole party dancing together for a solid minute equals it is now a big success, and everyone rejoices. I know that whenever I got to a party and it kind of sucks but then we all do the exact same dance (that we all know somehow) for about a minute, afterwards I’m always like, damn, that was a really good party.
DJ’s Boss/Matt’s Dad thanks Kimmie Gibbler and Stephanie for putting together such a great party and I’m pretty sure he does an offensive Indian stereotype voice but it’s kind of hard to tell because he’s not very committed to it. I think that he did it earlier and I wasn’t quite sure what I saw then, either. It’s like the guy playing the part kind of knows that it’s shitty to do a voice like that but he’s not gonna pass up a paying gig over it so he just kinda half-assed it. Or maybe he’s just really bad at it. Anyway, DJ and Stephanie realize that they work well together so Kimmie Gibbler hires Stephanie as her party planning assistant. Wow, I can’t wait to see more of this partnership!
DJ’s middle kid tells the other kids that he realized that he was being a piece of shit so he’ll stop forcing them to do stuff for him. That’s the end of that subplot.
Matt approaches DJ and he’s like, all these wacky situations kept getting in the way but I’ve been trying to ask you if you’d be my partner at the clinic. DJ’s like, isn’t it a terrible idea to go into business with someone that you just started dating? and even though the the answer is definitely yes, she decides to do it anyway.
No, but seriously though, that’s a really bad idea.
In other exciting news, I just launched a Kickstarter project! It’s an adult coloring book based off of 80’s tv shows that I am drawing with my podcasting partner and fellow cartoonist Carolyn Main. You may be shocked to learn that I drew an image representing Full House to launch the project. Check it out, and support it financially!
There isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make this sh*t tolerable. That middle kid has got to be the most obnoxious child who auditioned for the part and so naturally the producers were like “yes we must hire him!” The first two episodes of this garbage heap gave me a microscopic shred of hope that this wouldn’t suck as hard as Full House but then it all snow balled into exactly what I thought it would. A haphazardly poorly crammed together recycled mess of plots and gags from the original. This episode was no exception. Great review as always Billy Superstar!
I…actually liked the dance routine. How humiliating to admit.
But the occasional moments where this show does something completely over the top and ridiculous (DJ wrestling is still #1) are the one thing that saves it for me, and keeps it from being 100% bland nostalgia-driven schmaltz.
If I want to watch something well-written on Netflix, I’ll stream Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt or Master of None. If I want Low Camp, then I may turn to Fuller House.
That Full House illustration for the coloring book is amazing!
Can I call you Beatrix Kiddo from “Kill Bill”? I respect anyone who colors whether they’re a kid or adult! This coloring book is funny and is a nice change of pace from the complicated flowers and all that.
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I like adult coloring books, but most of them are so dull. Just flowers and mosaic patterns and stuff. Found one with fantasy monsters, that one at least is pretty cool.
This one looks amazing, though. I want one for my desk at work.
Adult coloring books are the best! I have an app for it on my iPad. And I totally love the sound of a Full House illustration to color in as well!
And man, that middle kid is becoming increasingly more unlikable each episode. Is he gonna be the new Michelle Tanner here? Even though he’s the middle kid and not the youngest.
Great review as always Billy!
My friend bought me the Harry Potter one. He brought it over one day to surprise me, and when I walked in, he and my roommate both looked at me in mild concern and said, “There’s a troll orgy in this coloring book.” Yeah, no flowers or mosaics. 😀
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I love that adult coloring books have become a major industry now…I was in a Barnes and Noble recently, and there are whole walls of them! I love coloring…I hope finger painting or collage comes back next. That was always fun.
Also, as Galaxy posted below, they DO want Young Yeller to be the next Michelle Tanner, and they make comparisons to her in that article. Don’t the producers know how we feel about that? Sigh…
I almost wonder if the wroters wanted the kids to be looking up porn and changed it or someone said they couldn’t do that so they just made it R movies because that would make a lot more sense as to why they’re going through all of that to keep it from DJ, like she’d murder them. I didn’t really get it either but I was allowed to watch R movies when I wqs much, much younger than them
Sorry a out those typos. I’m on my phone and the box is kinda small for mobile commenting so I couldn’t really see :c
I can’t decide who is more awful: creepy Steve or The Yeller.
What’s worse, the producer thinks The Yeller is the best part.
I cannot believe that article is real. It’s a joke right? No one can honestly think this kid is a good actor? It’s painful watching him. I suppose in one way he has already surpassed Michelle. I hate Max more.
Kayla, I haven’t seen “Fuller House” because I don’t get Netflix, but the little I have seen of makes me think and with all apologies to John Lennon, “All we are saying is give Baby Tommy a chance.”. I saw Leo DiCaprio on “Growing Pains” and thought he would be more famous than the cast because he had a charisma the rest of them lacked and I was right! I think to say Elias Harger will be a big star is delusional! Even the people on IMDb don’t like him!
Wow, I didn’t even know Leo was on Growing Pains. I guess I’ve only seen that show a few times. And yes, we’ll just have to hope that most people can see Max will not be a beloved character.
Yeah, I really hope this Max character doesn’t become the next “Michelle” in terms of huge star/obnoxiousness. This kid is untalented, unfunny, and of course we got his yeller voice. I can’t believe people are delusional enough to think he’s such a fantastic character. This Max kid better not be another “Michelle” in the making. O_O
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The cow scene was just ridiculous. Was it supposed to be funny? (A cow in the kitchen and let’s try to hide it). Seriously, most of the humor in this show is for children or people with low IQ.
Can’t wait for your review of the last episode. It’s by far the worst episode of the season if you ask me 😀
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My middle daughter would love the cow. Because cows are her favorite animals. And she just turned three. Yes, definitely a joke for little kids, and just confusing for anyone else. Confusing, like a lot of the show. Thank goodness for these reviews.
I just realized…I have dark hair, and I have three blonde girls. My husband actually had a job as a janitor in high school, so he could do obsessive cleaning…He has an annoying friend, and I’ve got two brothers to pick from…
I should watch out for drunk drivers.
“My middle daughter would love the cow. Because cows are her favorite animals. And she just turned three.”
My point exactly.
Yep, Nightshade, totally agree–and she’d be bored by the rest of the episode.
Wooooo!!! That’s so awesome Billy!!! Gunna go check out the kickstarter page right now 🙂
I think the computer was supposed to be hijacked, but they said it got a virus. Basically, a thief hijacks your computer remotely and encodes your files, and you have to pay to get the decryption key in order to access your own files again.
Fuck this show. Fuck this fucking, fucking show.
It’s like the Yeller has been building up to this point, getting progressively worse as he goes along. Will next week feature a less-annoying Yeller? Or one that is worse?
There’s a dumb subplot with the computer, and we haul in the “somebody has to be somebody’s slave” trope that’s been used on every awful show ever.
Stephanie gets a cow. (A cow, which I think, is tied around the ankles, if I’m seeing that correctly.) “What’s more Indian than a cow?” she asks.
An elephant, you dumb bitch. Did they try to get an elephant, but none were available, so they went with cow because it made more sense than sheep?
Also, changing the party theme the day of the party: fucking no. No time to re-plan things, no time to execute them, and Kimmie should have charged triple for doing it.
Then we get to the party, and the whole thing is fucking racist, with the Yeller starring as King Racist. And there’s a dance routine, because there isn’t one of those every episode.
I cannot be the only person who watched this shit and had to keep themselves from spray-painting a stencil of Grumpy Cat across the screen.
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They couldn’t do an elephant, Sarah–they already had one for Michelle’s circus birthday in the original series! And what kind of show would this be if they recycled plot elements and stupid gags from “Full House?” :p
Whoa, it does look tied around the ankles I didn’t notice that at first.
Also, the whole party was ridiculous, but I kept noticing that gigantic rug in the backyard. That had to cost a fortune.
Sarah, maybe the writers are thinking of “The Big Bang Theory” and Howard and his mom yelling at each other! I think the yelling on BBT is funny!
Another great one, Billy! And while I’m loath to compare Kimmie Giblet to Joey, I do think it’s somewhat interesting that they reversed the dynamic from the old show where Jesse would have a job, and Joey would stumble into it with him. But then Kimmie is an improvement on Joey in so many ways…
Also, I don’t think I’ve ever expressed my love of your extremely graphic descriptions of using the bathroom on this show. I’ve been told that I’m a prude and I don’t usually laugh at toilet humor, but your talk about taking giant shits always strikes me as brilliant–and this is the epitome of that. Thank you for starting my weekend off right!
Jesse did stumble into a job thanks to Joey at least once. Joey gave him the job as the lumberjack on the Ranger Joe show. And it was Joey’s participation in Jesse’s radio appearance that got them the radio show job.
I don’t think I’ve ever hated a kid as much as I hate the yeller. What a fucking obnoxious piece of shit that kid is. He has no redeeming qualities.
I can’t believe no one commented on the Mylanta gag. Stephanie actually was carting around a full sized bottle of Mylanta to help with her post-binge drinking stomach ailments? Seriously? Did she only have it because that was her sister’s catch phrase? I’d think one would go with Pepto (plus the bottle is smaller). Sigh – again logic, this show has none.
What professional party planning company would not charge a massive fee to have the entire party theme changed at the literal last minute? Plus it seems like all that was involved with the new theme was WAY more expensive than the original one. I mean the first theme wasn’t even much of a theme. Seems like the tip wouldn’t even cover all the added expenses.
And keeping with the non-logic of the party – how in the hell did EVERYONE get Indian garb on the DAY OF THE FUCKING PARTY?
Also – yeah, how did the kids just know that to fix a computer is $100? And why did they have to use DJ’s laptop? Wouldn’t at least one of them have their own laptop or tablet?
The everyone knowing the dance routine bit is something that has exasperated me about tv shows/movies for as long as I can remember. It drove me nuts with “Can’t Buy Me Love” – do people really pick up on dances THAT quick the very first time they see it?
My first guess was not “cow” when Stephanie said she had a surprise – I was fully expecting an elephant. I know this is random but I wonder if that cow is the same one they’ve had in a few episodes of The Last Man on Earth.
Finally – did the baby get into the toilet paper by himself? Is that what they were trying to imply?
OMG – Billy/Ryan, ya’lls video on Kickstarter is awesome! That Cosby/80s sweater!
This episode wasn’t bad really. I thought the whole thing with the Indian themed party was weird though, but I did think the cow bit was funny. I wonder how DJ would’ve gone about opening her own clinic, since I’m assuming there’s a lot to it just like opening any other business.
It’s kind of hard to believe a young kid would have that much money saved, or that he’d have enough at his age to have so much from birthdays, Christmas, etc. When I was a kid I spent pretty much any money I was given right away, and I don’t remember getting any significant money as a gift until I was around 10. Maybe I just don’t know what kids do with their money nowadays.
The 80s TV coloring book is a cool idea. I don’t mean to be insulting because I did think it was very good, but did you intend for the Full House page to look as creepy as it does?
Billy’s influence has spread and there is a Duggar blog out there insulting every misogynistic, child molesting, religious nut message the family is spreading. This person mentioned Full House in the way of the Duggar family liking the show but hating the full frontal hugging! I am quite sure Billy would be tickled pink by his influence on the writer of the blog!
First horse then a car and now a fucking cow
tisk tisk tisk and pray how does a little seven year old boy save that kind of money. I was a kid who spent every penny I got for easter, christmas and birthday
How odd – when I watched the episode they never mentioned Target. They just said “the store”. I wonder if they made a second version without the reference?