Ramona practices her sweet, contemporary dance moves in her room until the baby crawls in, all wrapped up in toilet paper. There used to be a lot of throwaway gags on the old show about the baby doing all sorts of unsupervised activities and I always felt like that was something that you couldn’t really get away with portraying in a humorous light on a tv show anymore, but I guess that I was wrong. Anyway, DJ’s middle kid starts shouting (like, beyond his standard method of shouting) about how he’s gotta take a fat ass shit and there’s no toilet paper because the baby is crawling around wrapped up in it for no discernible reason. DJ’s kid starts pulling toilet paper off of the baby but he keeps deciding that it’s not enough because he’s about to drop a real record-breaker in there and then finally he just grabs the whole baby, presumably because a baby covered in toilet paper is the only effective tool for scraping all the leftover shit from his asshole after the monumental dump that he’s about to take.
Stephanie comes home from a night out as DJ prepares for work. Gosh, they’re sisters but they’re so different, and yet they still find a way to love and understand one another. Stephanie says that she’s enjoying a flash of fame after her baseball game breakup from last episode so lots of strange men are trying to bang her. Stephanie then asks DJ about how her Steve vs. Matt love triangle is going and there’s an awful lot of exposition here, especially for a show that’s released all at once and is probably binge-watched by most people, not to mention the fact that the storylines we’re being caught up on are pretty simple and easy to remember. There’s also a joke about The View, and if I’m not mistaken it’s because Candace Cameron is on that show. Is that right? I refuse to look it up.
Kimmie Gibbler comes downstairs and tells DJ that she’s all prepared for her bosses retirement party that evening. Man, they’ve really gotten a lot of mileage out of Kimmie Gibbler’s party planner job. DJ says that the party theme has to be changed at the last minute because her boss has decided to retire to an ashram in Mumbai and then the audience laughs. That’s not even a joke, it’s just information. Anyway, the party needs to have an Indian theme at the last minute and it’s really important that everything goes just perfectly because DJ is pretty sure that her boss is going to put her in charge of the pet clinic when he retires, which would fulfill her lifelong dream. It makes a lot of sense that his decision would be contingent on the quality of this party. I hope this goes without a hitch, guys. I really do. Kimmie Gibbler’s like, I’m gonna need some help if I’m gonna change a whole party at the last minute and then DJ’s all, you should hire Stephanie because she’s unemployed and just loafs around all day before going out at night to take molly and spread gonorrhea.
Kimmie Gibbler interviews Stephanie for the job and they do a bit where she checks her references by calling DJ, who’s standing about 10 feet behind them, and it’s sort of a little bit funny. Kimmy Gibbler decides to hire Stephanie and then she tells her to go to Target and buy all of their Indian-looking products, of which I’m sure there are many.
Ramona and DJ’s oldest kid take DJ’s computer and try to illegally watch R-rated movies on it but they contract some sort of virus. Has anyone ever actually gotten a computer virus that looked like this? It’s an incredibly outdated representation, but it’s also one that wasn’t true to life even when it was being used all the time.
The kids somehow automatically know that it’s going to cost $100 to get rid of the virus, which is more than they have. All of a sudden DJ’s middle kid appears and is like, I got mad funds, son. They try to do this routine where he appears by spinning around in a chair and he’s supposed to have this James Bond Villain-esque vibe but the kids physicality is just so bizarre that it barely reads. What’s up with this kid? He’s got a little bit of charisma in there but he also has this really unnatural quality, like he’s too fidgety and unfocused to fully commit to anything. Like, this spinning in the chair bit almost works but then the way that he’s sitting is just so weird that you can’t stop thinking about how you’re watching a little kid try really hard to perform on a tv show.
Down at the pet clinic, Matt asks DJ to talk to him in the only set that’s not the front waiting room and then they go in there and start making out.
DJ’s boss/Matt’s dad walks in and Matt starts hugging him even tho I’m sure he must have a boner. DJ’s boss/Matt’s dad says that he’s handing the clinic over to Matt and that it wouldn’t have happened if Matt didn’t wanna bang DJ so bad that he moved to San Francisco, so not only does DJ have to be passed over for her dream career that she worked really hard for, she is also made to feel like she brought it on herself. Dang.
DJ and Matt are left alone and she’s like this shit fucking sucks ass. He’s like, I do have a lot of experience so this isn’t just like completely blatant nepotism (I’m kind of glad that they included that detail because it makes the situation make more sense) and then DJ exhibits how qualified she is to run the clinic by taking the rest of the day off to go home and pout.
DJ’s kids and Ramona convene in the boy’s room and the middle kid continues to fall short of a likeable delivery for all of his lines. It turns out that he’s accumulated a giant ziploc bag full of cash so he loans them they money they need, on the condition that they have to do all sorts of terrible stuff for him all the time until they pay him back. Then he makes them rub his feet. Man, that situation got real bad, real fast. I also think it’s weird that these kids are handling cash in order to fix a computer problem. Are they gonna go down to the bank to deposit the cash and then pay for the computer fixing software with their debit cards? How is this all supposed to work exactly?
Kimmie Gibbler comes home and asks Stephanie how her shopping trip went and then Stephanie drums up some ad revenue for the show by saying how great Target is. Stephanie says that she thought of a great addition for the party and I’m sure you could have guessed that it would be a cow.
Add a cow to the long list of weird shit that’s been in the kitchen. A horse. A car. The Beach Boys. Now a cow. The kids all come down and they’re like oh damn there’s a cow in the kitchen how about that? And then DJ comes home and everyone decides all together all at once that it’s really important that DJ does not see the cow and hijinks ensue, you guys. They really ensue.
The try-to-keep-a-family-member-from-seeing-something routine is one that has occurred on Full House more than a lot of times. Well, here it is again. DJ comes in and talks about how she got fucked over at the pet clinic and then, as the family all stand in a weird formation and make cow noises and stuff, she wonders if she shouldn’t just start her own clinic. I guess maybe DJ is too involved in her own thoughts to notice her family doing a horrible job of concealing a big ass cow from her.
Anyway, eventually she sees it and it doesn’t even end up being that big of a deal.
Next, we see the Indian themed party. This party makes a lot of sense because I know that I would love for my send-off to another country to be a terrible representation of it. Who wouldn’t? DJ’s middle kid makes Ramona and the older kid wheel him around and fan him and stuff because he’s a rotten piece of shit. Why don’t they just tell DJ what they did? Would the consequences be nearly as bad as this?
DJ enters the party with the baby and Matt comes over to her like damn girl you lookin mad fly and then DJ tells him that she thinks that she’s going to leave to start her own clinic. He’s like wait let’s talk about this but of course that very second his dad grabs him and makes him go up on the stage to address the crowd. DJ’s boss/Matt’s dad says some stuff to the party crowd and then he gets DJ to say a few words and she’s like this is some bullshit around here, Ima start my own clinic.
Kimmie Gibbler appraoches Stephanie and she’s like, this party is a shitty failure what are we gonna do? and then Stephanie is like, I got this.
I can’t say that I was hoping that there’d be more Stephanie dance routines, but, oh well. She starts busting some moves and then all of a sudden the entire party launches into a choreographed dance routine, which just doesn’t make any sense at all. Regardless, the whole party dancing together for a solid minute equals it is now a big success, and everyone rejoices. I know that whenever I got to a party and it kind of sucks but then we all do the exact same dance (that we all know somehow) for about a minute, afterwards I’m always like, damn, that was a really good party.
DJ’s Boss/Matt’s Dad thanks Kimmie Gibbler and Stephanie for putting together such a great party and I’m pretty sure he does an offensive Indian stereotype voice but it’s kind of hard to tell because he’s not very committed to it. I think that he did it earlier and I wasn’t quite sure what I saw then, either. It’s like the guy playing the part kind of knows that it’s shitty to do a voice like that but he’s not gonna pass up a paying gig over it so he just kinda half-assed it. Or maybe he’s just really bad at it. Anyway, DJ and Stephanie realize that they work well together so Kimmie Gibbler hires Stephanie as her party planning assistant. Wow, I can’t wait to see more of this partnership!
DJ’s middle kid tells the other kids that he realized that he was being a piece of shit so he’ll stop forcing them to do stuff for him. That’s the end of that subplot.
Matt approaches DJ and he’s like, all these wacky situations kept getting in the way but I’ve been trying to ask you if you’d be my partner at the clinic. DJ’s like, isn’t it a terrible idea to go into business with someone that you just started dating? and even though the the answer is definitely yes, she decides to do it anyway.
No, but seriously though, that’s a really bad idea.
In other exciting news, I just launched a Kickstarter project! It’s an adult coloring book based off of 80’s tv shows that I am drawing with my podcasting partner and fellow cartoonist Carolyn Main. You may be shocked to learn that I drew an image representing Full House to launch the project. Check it out, and support it financially!