Stephanie plays her new song for the baby. This whole Stephanie’s-burgeoning-singing-career storyline is pretty ill-conceived, but at least they never spend much time on it. We don’t even have to hear her music because she’s playing it for the baby on headphones. I guess it’s supposed to be funny that she’s focus-grouping her stuff on a baby (plus aww, look, a baby with headphones on), but that doesn’t help the fact that it makes no sense.
DJ’s kids play Jenga and the older kid wins, partially by psyching out the younger one. The younger kid begins to develop an inferiority complex and then, after he leaves to go sulk, Stephanie tells the older kid to let him win sometimes because she’s aware of the plight of middle children and doesn’t want to see him grow up to become a meth addict and then have a weird, paradoxical “comeback” by returning to his inescapable tv persona that prevented him from ever becoming something more.
DJ comes downstairs and tells Stephanie that she’s hella excited about going going out with Steve today. This whole Matt vs. Steve premise got way weirder when DJ and Matt became business partners last episode and now I don’t know what to make of any of this. Like, she should be free to date whoever she wants and take her time to make up her mind, but also she is dating her new business partner while also pursuing another guy, and that really seems like it just has to lead to a lot of problems. Anyway, Stephanie tells DJ about the advice that she gave to the older kid and then they get into it about some 20-year-old Twister feud. Naturally, a rematch is planned.
Kimmy Gibbler prepares a gigantic sandwich in the kitchen because she is an amazing woman and then DJ and Stephanie walk in and they all talk about all the hot dick that DJ’s been getting.
Steve walks in wearing a really cheap wig and a letterman jacket just in case you may have forgotten for one second that he was her high school boyfriend. The wig reminded me of a few previous jokes about how Steve’s hair isn’t as good as it used to be but he looks fine, really. It’s shorter but he’s not like balding or anything. Anyway, he plans a 90’s throwback date for DJ and himself and then, when she goes upstairs to get ready, he grills Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler about Matt’s penis size.
They tell Steve that it’s not the size of the wave, it’s the motion of the ocean and then he tries to shake his nervous feelings about maybe finally getting to see DJ’s tit after 20 years of waiting. DJ comes down and puts on a slap bracelet, which was the most likable piece of nostalgia on this whole series (I’d rather have just watched people apply slap bracelets for 30 minutes once a week than sit through this crap) and then, as they’re leaving, they make an Alanis Moorisette reference and DJ says, “you know who that song’s really about” which I thought was a pretty decent meta-joke except that it conjured up the mental image of Dave Coulier getting his dick sucked in a movie theater. Doesn’t it just seem totally incomprehensible that he’d even have a penis, much less any kind of sex? He seems like he must have a smooth Ken doll surface instead.
Right after they leave, Steve comes back in and starts eating Kimmie Gibbler’s giant sandwich, and that is why I like him more than Matt. I respect a man who appreciates a giant sandwich.
Kimmie Gibbler talks to a client on the phone in her room and then Fernando walks in and she just hangs up, abruptly. Was she supposed to be done with the call? It really doesn’t seem like she was. Anyway, Fernando tells her that he has a bunch of surprises planned for her and then they start making out.
Ramona walks in and gets all excited about them getting back together and then they all hug and the audience goes, “aww.” Ramona says that she’s going to tweet all her friends about it because that’s what all those damn kids that wont get off my lawn do, plus also I’m sure her friends can’t wait to hear about her parents reconciling. That kind of news is all the rage in many 5th grade classrooms. Anyway, Fernando tells Kimmie Gibbler that her surprise is a romantic scavenger hunt.
DJ’s older kid pretends to lose at Jenga and then the middle kid gloats like an asshole for about a full minute. He leaves the room for maybe 2 seconds and then the older kid tells Stephanie that he won’t let him win again and then the middle kid comes back in because he heard what was just said. Usually on tv shows people can say whatever they want the second another person leaves the room but in this one rare case the person in the other room could hear them. I guess the way that sound travels on sitcoms is contingent on how it affects the plot. Anyway, the middle kid feels all sorry for himself and the audience goes, “aww” and then right before he leaves the room again he says some self-pitying bullshit and the audience awws even more.
DJ and Steve come home and talk about how their nostalgia tour didn’t really work out and it seems like they’re going for a “you can’t go home again” kind of a thing but then it turns out that they aren’t at all. Steve says that he’s going to make his “famous Steve burgers,” which sounds disgusting, and then Stephanie’s like, make me one but Steve is all, dang can’t you tell I’m trynna bang your sister? Why do you even still live here?
Kimmie Gibbler goes into Ramona’s room to follow her next scavenger hunt clue and finds people stashed in Ramona’s closet. What the fuck? How long were they supposed to be in there for? They turn out to be a masseuse and a mani/pedi lady so it kind of seems like a nice idea except that I can’t get past how weird it is that those people were just waiting in the closet like that. The closet being elevated makes it even weirder somehow, and the fact that there were 2 people in there. I can’t think of a harder situation in which to try to make small talk. Also, why’s she gonna have all this spa treatment in her kid’s room? At the end of the scene her waxer comes in and even though she’s about to get a bunch of hair ripped out of her asscrack it’s still not as unsettling a concept as those people being stashed in the closet like that. That really bothered me.
Stephanie approaches DJ’s middle kid in the backyard and gives him a very special talk about how younger siblings sometimes surpass their older ones, using the Wahlberg’s as a model. I guess he’s consoled and that’s more or less the end of that pointless premise.
Steve pours way too much wine into DJ’s glass because he’s really willing to do anything at this point to see that tit. He does a really awkward and poorly staged over-the-shoulder pepper grinder throw as he prepares the burgers and the audience hoots for it like it wasn’t totally unimpressive. They talk about the movie Ghost (remember that movie???) and start singing “Unchained Melody” while they mix ground beef with their hands, a la the pottery scene, and it’s fucking disgusting.
I like burgers more than probably any human being who has ever walked the earth, but this romantic handling of raw meat is almost as unsettling as 2 people being hired to stand in a closet as a romantic surprise. What the fuck is going on around here? They don’t even wash their hands at the end, even after they start making out. It’s awful.
Anyway, Steve wonders if he isn’t trying too hard and DJ’s like, yeah, it might really help to develop your character if you said or did one thing that wasn’t a 90’s throwback.
DJ’s middle kid barges in with no concern or interest in the fact that her mom is making out and he starts demanding to be fed. Steve decides to change the evening plan by ordering pizzas for the whole family and I’m really confused about why they can’t still eat the burgers. Also, he high fives the kid even though he never washed his hands after handling all that raw meet, surely giving him salmonella.
Steve wrestles DJ and her kids in the back yard and then Stephanie comes out and challenges DJ to a Twister rematch. DJ’s pants rip after a few moves so Steve covers her ass up for her, then DJ tells Stephanie that she ate garlic and onion pizza and starts breathing in her face.
Naturally, Stephanie immediately falls over, losing the game after 3 moves. Much like many of the Stephanie subplots, that was pretty weak and ill-conceived, but at least it didn’t take up much time.
Fernando and Kimmie Gibbler enter the backyard and Fernando starts to serenade her with a song that he wrote himself. I’d kind of stopped reacting to what a blatant, over-the-top Latin stereotype he is, but the way that he wiggled around while he was singing in his exaggerated accent reminded me that I should probably find this all very offensive. Adding to his cartoonish presentation, Fernando becomes too overwhelmed with emotion to continue his song and coerces Stephanie into completing it while he weeps on the sidelines.
Shit gets way more bizarre as Fernando directs Stephanie’s performance, forcing her to be more sensual with Kimmie Gibbler as he continues to quiver and cry. I kept waiting for the reveal that this whole scavenger hunt premise was just a cover-up for this weird jerk off fantasy that he’d created and nothing really happens that would totally disprove that theory. The climax of the scene is Fernando pressuring Stephanie to kiss Kimmie Gibbler. She hesitates but then Kimmie Gibbler really plants one on her, which makes the audience go wild.
DJ seems the most shocked by this moment. She doesn’t seem outraged, but I bet she wouldn’t blame someone for refusing to make them a wedding cake, either. This was one of the few things about this show that I couldn’t avoid hearing about and, now that I’ve seen it, I don’t have a very strong opinion. I guess it’s sort of progressive. I mean, I remember when they showed women kissing on tv for the first time on Roseanne when I was a kid and there was a viewer discretion warning at the beginning, so seeing it on a show like this kind of points to the fact that we’ve come a long way. It’s really just a gag, though, and not really making a statement or anything, so it doesn’t serve much purpose beyond providing a visual for Fernando to jerk off to later.
At the end of the song, Fernando gets down on one knee and hands Kimmie Gibbler divorce papers, and everyone’s like, whaaaaaaa?!!? It’s kind of hard to describe what happens next because it’s so fucking bizarre, but I will try. Fernando puts a big rubber glove on Kimme Gibler’s hand and then he whistles, conjuring up an incredibly poorly made composite shot of a falcon flying down around some San Francisco rooftops.
Fernando says that the falcon is a metaphor or something and then grabs a ring from around its neck and proposes to Kimmie Gibbler. She says yes and then everyone hugs, including those poor people that had to stand in the closet earlier.
Steve says goodbye to DJ but then they start to make out on the couch and then Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler stand around gawking at them.
Who’s gonna get to touch DJ’s tit? Will it be Matt or Steve? I guess that next week’s the finale, so either we’ll find out then or there’ll be some lame cliff hanger and I’ll have to look it up on Wikipedia in 3 years when I’m having insomnia.
Only one more episode until this shit is done! In the interim, I must once again urge you all to support my Kickstarter project, The 80’s TV Parody Adult Coloring Book. I think it’s a really good project, plus also it would be nice to feel supported by all of my beloved readers.