Fuller House Episode 7, “Ramona’s Not-So-Epic Party”

Kimmie Gibbler’s no-good, soon-to-be-ex-husband fucks up when he’s supposed to pick up their daughter’s birthday cake and accidentally gets one that’s meant for a priest who is retiring from a lifetime of molesting young boys.

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I know that not all priests molest young boys and everything but I just want you all to look at that picture one more time and try to tell me that the creators didn’t go out of their way to pick the guy with the most boy molestingest face imaginable to put on that cake.

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There’s just no way that guy hasn’t molested a lot of young boys.

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So, anyway, Ramona is turning 13 and her big wish is for her parents to get along.  They vow to make this wish come true and then they give her some fancy shoes that she has a hard time walking in.

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Meanwhile, down at DJ’s pet clinic, Steve shows up and he’s like please baby baby please baby baby baby please but DJ is like, “remember how my husband got burned alive in a fire?  I’m still all fucked up over that.  We can hang out if you want but there’s no way I’m lettin’ you stick it in,” and Steve is down, probably because not having sex with DJ gives him fond memories of when they dated in high school.  Matt, the new guy that DJ works with, enters the scene with Steve’s dog and Steve is like who the fuck is this mufucka?

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Steve gets all threatened by Matt’s masculine swagger and decides that the best way to prevent him from having sexual tension with DJ is to fix him up with Kimmie Gibbler.  DJ actually thinks that setting Matt up with Kimmie Gibbler is a good idea so she invites him to Ramona’s party because nothing makes a girl’s 13th birthday more memorable than a strange man coming over to fuck her mom.

DJ wonders why she feels compelled to clean the fuller house before the kids’ party and then there’s an extended close-up of her dusting a terrifying photo of Danny’s horrible face.

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Man, if I had a picture like that in my place I’d never sleep again.  DJ’s middle kid comes in and starts talking about how much trouble he’s having with training the dog to stop shitting in the house.  Why is this his responsibility?  I know that he should be learning how to take care of the dog and everything but it seems pretty obvious that this kid doesn’t-and shouldn’t be expected to-have the capacity to housetrain a dog.  He’s like 8 years old.  Regardless, DJ’s just like, handle that shit, with no help from me.

Ramona comes home with her parents and makes a meta-joke about the dress that she just bought, which was designed by the Olsen twins.  It’s slightly more subtle than the show’s last onscreen comment about the Olsen twins because the actors don’t all stop and stare at the camera for 30 seconds this time.

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Stephanie walks into DJ’s oldest kid’s room as he covers himself with cheap cologne and stupid accessories because he hella wants to bang one of Ramona’s friends.  Stephanie talks him into removing all of the stupid accessories and I guess it’s supposed to be a valuable life lesson about being who you are or whatever but it could also just be about choosing better accessories.  I kind of think that he should have kept the huge gold chain, tho.

There’s a whole scene with DJ’s middle kid making the dog sit on a little plastic potty that’s entirely designed to make us go, “aww.”  It is a pretty cute dog but even still, I feel like my intelligence is being insulted here.

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Ramona gets all dressed up for her party and then, while she takes pictures with her parents, Matt shows up and he and DJ share some more of that delightful will-they-or-won’t-they tension.  It’s done well enough to almost make you give a shit about what will happen.  Matt is supposed to be introduced to Kimmie Gibbler but she and Fernando are all groping each other and shit while they get their photos taken together so Matt’s like why you trynna hook me up with some woman who’s still all up on her ex-husband?  Good question!

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The next thing we see is Ramona’s birthday party, which looks pretty alright.  Where is this supposed to be exactly?  I’m not really clear on that…

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Anyway, DJ’s oldest kid tries to hit on Ramona’s friend, Lola, and he fucks it up because he’s a sorry ass chump.  Just as Stephanie prepares to subject everyone to her tasteless electronic garbage music the power goes out, denying the one true cure for all of these poor kids who are clearly suffering from dance fever.  Stephanie tries to salvage the party by playing music from her iphone but it doesn’t work because it’s a terrible idea.

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Inside the house, DJ’s middle kid worries that the power going out is a sign of the zombie apocalypse.  Oh, so I guess that means that the party was taking place in the backyard.  I couldn’t really tell.  Anyway, DJ’s middle kid interrogates DJ to find out if she’s a zombie and then he starts wondering if the baby is a zombie, which the audience really finds hilarious for some reason, probably just because they like looking at the baby.

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Stephanie frantically tries to get the party back on track and suggests that everyone enjoys some cake while they wait for the power to come back on.  Unfortunately, she takes the cover off the cake only to discover that it’s melted.

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Is the cake melting supposed to be related to the power going out, or are these problems unrelated?  It seems really odd to me that no one would have thought about an ice cream cake melting.  How long was it sitting out there?  Anyway, long story short, Stephanie kind of flails around and tries to make the party suck less ass but it’s a lost cause.

DJ and Matt find Kimmie Gibbler standing alone in the kitchen so DJ takes it as an opportunity to introduce them, in a sexy way.  Unfortunately, Kimmie Gibbler immediately starts choking but Matt has the good sense to administer the Heimlich maneuver.

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Kimmie Gibbler hugs Matt with gratitude after he saves her life but, wouldn’t you know it?  Fernando walks in right then and misinterprets their interaction and then, in true cartoon Latin stereotype fashion, he challenges Matt to like a duel or something.

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DJ and Kimme Gibbler explain that Matt was saving Kimmie Gibbler from choking and then Fernando starts thanking and kissing him.  Man, this guy can’t turn it down a notch for even one second.

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Matt decides to leave so DJ walks him out and the sexual tension between them as they say goodbye is like a sauna, you guys.  It’s just that hot and steamy.  Right as Matt is about to whip it out, DJ opens the front door and Steve is standing there, fully ready to murder DJ if she won’t return his affections.  Seriously, I like Steve and everything, but he’s being a real fucking creep right here.

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Ramona walks in on her parents arguing and she’s like wah wah wah my party sucks a fat dick and my stupid parents won’t stop fighting and then she runs upstairs to pout like a stupid baby and the audience kind of softly goes, “aww.”  This show is all about acknowledging what was bad about the original show while still doing it anyway.  Like, we’re supposed to know that it’s hokey when the audience goes, “aww” but if they do it kinds of subtly it’s ok, or like a throwback or something.

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So Kimmie Gibbler and Fernando go up to Ramona’s room and they’re like sorry that we’re such shitty parents.  Ramona says that she wishes that they could get along and they’re pretty real about how they have a really dysfunctional relationship but they still love her and want to be good parents.  I actually think that this is fairly well done.  Like, they clearly still wanna bang each other but they can’t work it out as married people so they’re trying to balance that out because they’re both devoted to their kid.  That’s some real shit that happens and it’s presented here as a complicated situation, not one that has a simple solution.  Again, I’m basing my praise off of incredibly low standards but, all things considered, I thought that this was not terrible.

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Everyone from the party comes into Ramona’s room and sings her happy birthday while carrying cupcakes with candles in them.  I’m not sure where the cupcakes came from but whatever.  Just as things seem to be turning out ok the power comes back on because everyone has to get what they want all the time on these shows and then Ramona alludes to her birthday wish being for her parents to get back together. That’s probably what will end up happening, if for no other reason than to prove me wrong for trying to give this show some credit.

All the kids start dancing to Stephanie’s horrible doo doo beats and then DJ’s oldest kid tries asks Ramona’s friend that he has a boner for if he can dance near her and she’s like I don’t give a fuck what you do, which he takes as a victory.

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After the party, Ramona expresses her gratitude to her parents for making sure that she had an only kind of shitty birthday and then she leaves them to have a moment alone.  They sorta patch things up and then they start dry humping and DJ’s middle kid sees the whole thing, which will surely cause him to be sexually dysfunctional in a few years.  I mean, he might be already.  He was hiding in the doghouse with that dog and there was some serious barking going on.  Anyway, Kimmie Gibbler tells him that he has to keep the dry-humping a secret because it might make for a somewhat intriguing multi-part storyline, what with this Netflix binge-all-the-episodes-at-once model and everything, and then DJ comes out and asks what’s going on and no one will tell her.  What a cliffhanger!

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Posted in Fuller House | 38 Comments

Bonus Post: An Interview with a Full House Fan

I’m taking this week off from reviewing Fuller House because otherwise I felt like I was going to go mentally insane but I did not want to leave my beloved readers in the lurch (I know how much you count on me for providing material with which to shirk your duties at your jobs) so I conducted this interview with an actual real-life Full House fan.  I’ve met a handful of people beyond the computer screen as a result of writing this dumb blog (shout-outs to my internet husbands David and Austin, Amanda and Maria on the East Coast, Carrie in Seattle and Mary from poker night, to name a few) and one thing that they have in common is that they are all total weirdos.  But perhaps the most perplexing individual I’ve crossed paths with is internet author Jess Tholmer, who actually, genuinely likes Full House.  Like, what’s the fuckin’ deal with that shit?  She was kind enough to let me grill her about it, and I thought I’d share the results with all of you:



FHR: So, are you really a fan of Full House?  Like, you actually think it’s a good show?

JTholmz: YES, I really am a fan of Full House. Like I honestly think it’s a really good show, for what it is.

I clearly don’t think it’s like…The Sopranos or some other good show that people like, but I do think it’s good.

How can you justify liking this piece of shit show? Are you crazy or something?

Haha well, yeah, probably a little crazy but I SUPER believe in the power of nostalgia and I think most of it comes from that. Like when it’s on TV, I feel genuine warmth in my soul. It’s like hanging out at a relative’s house or something. But like, relatives that don’t hate me and say racist stuff.

There is no reason to really HATE the show, in my opinion. It’s not laugh-out-loud hilarious, but it is very watchable!

Is it like hanging out with your pushy, narcissistic relatives who won’t shut the fuck up ever?

Haha well, yeah, kinda. I feel much more fond of the Tanners for the most part than my actual distant family.

I’m not crazy, though! Like, I definitely think Joey is really annoying.

What do you mean when you say it’s very watchable? 

It’s just really unoffensive, relatively entertaining, easy background noise at the very least. You don’t have to worry about changing the channel if kids are in the room (I mean, duh). I liken it to how I feel about The Beatles’ music. Like it’s familiar and can be on in a shop or something without having to worry about the audience.

I KNOW The Beatles’ music is kinda trippy, but kids don’t know that!

Yeah, why don’t you just take a big shit on John Lennon’s grave after making that comparison?

Hahaha I know, that was awful. Don’t tell my mom.

I get what you mean about it being watchable.  There’s something about having it on that sort of numbs your brain or something. I worry sometimes that I have become a dumber person for having watched so much Full House.  Do you ever worry about that? 

Look, my mom used to tell me that I didn’t have enough brain cells to waste to keep me from doing stuff that causes kids to lose brain cells and most of that probably came from the Full House obsession. I don’t mind being kinda dumb because of Full House.

I think maybe it kept me wholesome though! I was such a square kid!

When you watch Full House, do you laugh at the jokes?  Like you genuinely think it’s funny?

I HAVE laughed at the jokes but it’s not like a constant stream of laughter. I’m not wiping the tears away or anything.

Though Fuller House genuinely made me laugh WAY more than I thought it would. I thought it’d be eye rolls for the most part.

The function of the show seems to be primarily to make people laugh… But that doesn’t seem to be what you’re getting out of it.  What’s it doing for you? 

I don’t necessarily know if that was the real intent of the show. Were any “family” sitcoms back in the day actually that funny? Besides Fresh Prince, I can’t think of really laughing out loud at any of them. I think it was like the 80s-90s era of just presenting people with warmth and functional families and that’s what we expected from our Friday night sitcoms.

So I guess that’s what I got from it. I don’t want to cue the violin music but my family is pretty dysfunctional but the Tanners were so not that and I loved it. I also have three brothers and no sisters or women in my life really so I think I envied their like “you stole my clothes!!!” storylines.

You’ve alluded to liking the show as a response to your own family issues a few times… Do you see the Tanner’s as a sort of ideal family?  Or closer to the family that you wish you’d had?

I want to say yes to that, but I honestly don’t think that’s true. I WILL say, I come from a mixed family and I have really grown into being super duper proud of that and I have a lot of issues with hella white families so it’s kind of a weird thing that I love the Tanners and Full House so much. I mean, I don’t dislike white people by any means but I never really relate to them, and I guess I never really did. I related to Fresh Prince more than Full House. I DO think that the aspect of caring for each other no matter what, like the Tanners do, is really appealing.

And big families are really awesome. Like I used to love the movie Cheaper By the Dozen because having 12 kids and a full ass house just seemed rad to me. And I don’t even really want any kids, so I don’t know.

Do I need therapy? This is what this interview is teaching me so far.

Yeah, that was going to be my next question. Or, like, do you think that liking Full House is a sign of something having gone wrong in your life? 

Haha YES, probably. So I mentioned that I have brothers and like, they didn’t like it at all, so it wasn’t a big happy family thing for us by any means. Maybe it was like “my thing” before I grew up a little and found other things (like Titanic). It wasn’t something I watched alone necessarily, but the rest of my family definitely doesn’t care about the show like I did. I think there was much less to relate to for my brothers, though. They had like real problems and I just got lost in Full House and The Simpsons.

I don’t want people to feel bad for me!! Some families are MUCH worse than mine. And like, neither of my parents died in a car accident like the Tanner mom, so I’m not complaining.

I feel like the show is more disturbing that comforting, though… To me, it doesn’t present an ideal family at all.  They’re a bunch of dicks.

Yeah, you know, I never noticed that kind of stuff until I started reading your blog a couple years ago or whatever. Like Jesse is the WORST but I always thought he was the coolest uncle ever. I definitely wanted an Uncle Jesse.

But I was a kid, right? And then it’s like kid opinions that stick around. There are a lot of things I liked as a kid that are probably shit as an adult.

I think that Joey’s the worst. Although I do think that the way that Jesse treats his wife is one of the most disturbing aspects of the show… Do you think that if a man is impossibly attractive, he’s entitled to treat his wife like shit? 

I am well aware of how you feel about Joey Gladstone haha. But yeah, Jesse is fucking terrible to Becky but again, not really a thing I picked up on as a kid.

Though I do remember being proud of Becky for standing up for herself when she was pregnant and stuff but there are probably a lot of episodes that would make me cringe watching them now as like…a radical feminist.

Do you think that elements of the show like that may have instilled really negative values into the kids who watched it?  It was supposed to be this family show about being wholesome and shit but to me it’s actually setting a really bad example. It’s like a Trojan horse for horrible behavior.

Ummm, that’s a good question, but I want to say no and I know there are a lot of people who would disagree with me. I feel like some people are just really easily swayed by movies and TV and music, obviously, and I’m just not one of them. It’s the Disney movie argument, you know? I have friends with kids that refuse to let their kids near Disney movies in case they become sad little girls who want tiny waists and long hair and their princes to come save them but man, I fucking LOVE Disney and I never looked to those movies as any sort of truth. I guess that’s how I feel about Full House or any 90s sitcom. I watched a shit ton of Friends but I didn’t live my life like I could be Rachel Green with a part-time job and a swanky ass apartment in New York, you know?

I think the Tanner family is SUPER unrealistic so it never made me feel like I should follow their example or anything. They are ridiculously good-looking blonde people. It’s not a thing I relate to at all.

Because I am a ridiculously good-looking BRUNETTE.

But I feel like the show is generally trying to set an example in terms of morality and conflict resolution and things like that…

Well I honestly don’t think their conflict resolution is all that bad! It’s not going to work for all families, but I’m sure some people sit down, work it out, and then go for ice-cream, right? And if your family doesn’t do that (like most families), I think it’s an okay thing to present.

Full House isn’t Roseanne, you know? It’s a different kind of family.

Yeah, I mean, I think that sitting down with your kids and talking things out without yelling and stuff and then hugging at the end is fine.  It’s the part where they also give the kids whatever they want all the time that bugs me.  Nobody ever learns any hard lessons.  Like, if you fuck up at the school talent show, you gotta just suck it up.  You shouldn’t have a very special talk with your gentle dad in front of an auditorium full of people who are waiting to see their own kid perform and then get a do-over.  That’s really not fair to everyone else.

Yeah, that’s definitely fair. But it’s a television show and no one wants to see what’s happening with anyone else’s kid and their talent.

They are definitely privileged as fuck, like I’m not denying that at all

Ok, well, I’m glad we can agree on that.  That brings me to my next question:  What’s it like being a fan of something that you have to defend?  Is it worth it? 

Ohhh, Ryan. (Or Billy, I guess.) I am a fan of some CONTROVERSIAL things so I am very used to defending it. I actually feel like I defend Full House much less than you’d expect. A lot of people like that show as much as I do.

Or like, less than I do, but still a lot.

Have you had many heated debates about the quality of the show?

Nah, not really actually! And I didn’t fight with anyone who was complaining about Fuller House when it was announced. I saw people bitching on Twitter and stuff and I wanted to be like, “THEY ARE REVIVING EVERYTHING” but I didn’t. I bit my tongue.

I mean, my brothers and I would bicker about it when they didn’t want to watch and I did, but that doesn’t really count.

As standards for TV have changed, do you think there’s a place for a new Full House series?  We have so many more options now, so we don’t just have to watch whatever bullshit is on anymore, which was a huge part of the original series’ success if you ask me. 

Definitely agree with that and honestly, I’m a bit surprised at how well the first season seemed to do. I think they promoted it VERY well and anyone who knows anything about Full House knows that the cast has stayed super close and the show is a little better than I thought it would be, like definitely more modern. BUT, I definitely don’t think it’s entirely necessary. Television is in the prime of its life right now, in my opinion, and Fuller House is nowhere near the kind of comedy we need in our lives, like Broad City or Master of None. It’s pretty pointless, tbh.

Buuuut, I also don’t have kids so maybe it’s a special thing for parents to watch with their children or whatever.

Do you like the new show?  Are you gonna watch Season 2 when it comes out?

I do like the new show, though I haven’t watched it since the night it came out and I was pretty tipsy by the end of it so I don’t remember it all very well. I will definitely watch Season 2.

DJ kid stuff is boring as hell, but I appreciate the Steph, DJ, Kimmy trio

Do you have bad taste in general?  What are some other shows that you like?

Hahaha ruuude. I actually don’t think I have bad taste at all.

I’ll be the judge of that!

My favorite comedy shows are The Simpsons, Friends, Parks and Rec but I love love love That 70s Show and Malcolm and stuff. I was such a FOX kid. Other than that, I’m like X-Files, West Wing, Friday Night Lights.

I Love Lucy!

I have range, son.

I’ve met a handful of people who read Full House Reviewed but you’re the only one that actually likes the show.  Usually fans of the show who stumble onto the blog just post a grammatically broken comment and then never look at it again.  I got a great one this week:  

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Why do you like reading a blog that talks hella shit about a show that you like? 

Hahahaha I promise that comment wasn’t from me, but that is very funny.

Do you think that I’m a sick?

Hahahaha I don’t think you are a sick.

So I looked up when I first found your blog and it was in April 2012! (Is that real?? Like were you doing the blog then?) Which is crazy. And I was having a super bad day and I remember it made me laugh so hard that I was crying. Your writing style kinda reminds me of the way my big brother talks and I remember making him read it too because he never liked Full House.

So I think the blog is awesome because it’s hilarious and because I’m fine making fun of stuff I like. If it was a philosophical breakdown of like…why every single Kanye West single is awful, I definitely wouldn’t read it and might leave a comment like, “you’re a sick.” I can poke fun at things that are very clearly not that big of a deal, but I prefer when someone else does it.

And your observations are great! It’s not unwarranted.

This is not me sucking up to you, I genuinely think you are hilarious.

Well, thanks!  So does my mom.

Well we have that in common!

Your mom thinks I’m hilarious?  That’s nice. 

She probably would, honestly. I should tell her to check the blog out.

You should tell EVERYONE to check it out!

What a good sport she was!  That was like the opposite of every interview with Gallagher I’ve ever seen.  If you’d like to keep up with Jess Tholmer’s many fascinating opinions, you can follow her Facebook author page or her Twitter account, where she posts like 500 times a day. 

As for me, I’ll be back to my usual routine next week, shit-talking Fuller House.  I can’t help it.  I’m a sick. 

Posted in Bonus Material | 33 Comments

Fuller House Episode 6, “The Legend of El Explosivo”

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DJ and Kimmie Gibbler make some jokes that aren’t worth mentioning in the kitchen and then Ramona rushes downstairs to answer the front door, as she’s expecting her dance team to show up.  DJ’s boring ass kids come home and DJ is real suspicious about why the oldest one is wearing a jacket in such hot weather.  DJ removes the jacket from his person, revealing some really terrible makeup job that’s supposed to look like an injury.

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After a brief interrogation, DJ gets the younger kid to narc on the older one, revealing that the older kid has been participating in reckless activities with some friend of his.  DJ forbids any further naughty revelry and the kids bitch and moan about it.  Stephanie enters the scene and tells everyone that she’s gonna be DJing at Lucha Kaboom, a Mexican wrestling establishment, so everyone will be getting free tickets and also probably some sort of opportunity to ruin the show for the rest of the crowd.  Stephanie tells everyone that King Jaguarito will be the headlining wrestler and then DJ calls him, “King Dorito” because even though this show has managed to make a lot of improvements over the original series, the creators still think it’s funny to completely mangle the Spanish language.

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Ramona and her friends practice their dance moves and then Kimmie Gibbler busts out some cookies that are a throwback to the jokes not worth mentioning from the opening scene, which I would continue to not mention if not for the fact that she places them further in the foreground of this set than we’ve ever seen before.  I don’t know why but I always think it’s interesting when we see some part of a set on a tv show that we never have before.

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Ramona tells her friends that they need some fly ass moves to wrap up their dance with and then Kimmie Gibbler shows them a routine that she’s invented.  It’s really awful.  Usually Kimmie Gibbler can sell even the lamest schticks, but this one’s just plain hard to watch.  I’ve always theorized that Full House is actually about an evil sentient house that’s driving its inhabitants crazy and this only furthers that premise, as we are now witnessing Kimmie Gibbler, who was once the only likeable person on this whole show, becoming just another corny asshole.

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DJ has an exchange with her studly assistant about how she’s using some app on her phone to keep tabs on her oldest kid.  She explains that her kid’s in some, “crazy Jackass phase” because this show is really into outdated references.  The assistant guy explains that young boys like to do stupid shit so she should just deal with it but DJ ain’t havin’ that.

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She discovers through her invasive app that her oldest kid is at his naughty friends house so she heads over there to ruin his fun.  DJ seems to be able to just walk out of work whenever she wants.  Actually, her job is beholden to whatever is convenient to the plot.  Like, when the story needs her to not be at the house there seems to always be some emergency at work, but whenever there’s a scene at her job and then some shit goes down elsewhere she just cuts out immediately.

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So I guess that when DJ’s kids hang out with their mischievous friend they like to perform irresponsible stunts while a bunch of other kids watch.  Why are there so many other kids there?  It doesn’t add anything to the scene, and it just seems odd to me that a whole group of kids would stand around as spectators to these lame activities.  I mean, I guess if they were participating at all it would make sense.  DJ’s oldest kid and his naughty friend, Bobby Popko, cover the younger kid in padding and then the older kid body slams him from on top of a tool shed.  It actually doesn’t look all that dangerous.  I mean, I probably wouldn’t do it, but it’s only like a 6 foot drop and there does seem to be an awful lot of padding involved.  Regardless, DJ rolls up on the scene just as the stunt occurs and  flips the fuck out.  She seems really concerned about whether or not her younger kid is ok after  the tool shed body slam and then she gets all up in the older kids grill about pulling this kind of shit after she told him not to.  She tells him that he’s punished and therefore can’t go to Lucha Kaboom and then she leads him away, totally leaving the younger kid behind, who is wearing too much padding to get up.

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It’s kind of weird that she’d just abandon him like that after being so concerned for his safety seconds earlier.  The scene ends with him struggling to get up and I kept expecting a final moment where DJ comes back for him but it never happened.  For all we know that kid could end up lying there for hours.

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Stephanie practices some dance steps with Ramona and her friends and then they all thank her for offering up better moves than Kimmie Gibbler did, but then we see that Kimmie Gibbler is standing in the doorway and can hear the whole thing.  Stone cold diss!  Before I get to Kimmie Gibbler’s reaction, I have to talk shit about how Stephanie says that she collaborated with Rihanna on the creation of the dance moves that she’s sharing with the kids.  Man, Stephanie’s bullshit name dropping really bugs me.  It was feasible when she said that she’d partied with Macy Grey because that’s like a totally washed up one hit wonder, but Rihanna is a legit megastar so there’s just no way she’d have anything to do with Stephanie’s sorry ass.  All the allusions to Stephanie’s exciting, glamorous DJ lifestyle seem really hollow and sad to me.  It sort of feels like she’s just making it all up or something, or like the show is trying to put her on a level that she’s clearly not deserving of.  It would be one thing if she was like, “that’s like that one time that I drank too much cheap champagne and threw up all night in the green room of some shitty club in Texas” or, “that’s reminds me of the time that I partied with Six from Blossom” but working out dance choreography with Rihanna?  Gimme a fuckin’ break.

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So Kimmie Gibbler gets all pissed about her kid turning to Stephanie for help with her dance routine so she declares her usefulness by launching into a worst-of-the-90’s montage of dances and pop culture references.  Again, she delivers it as well as could be hoped for, but the material is pretty painful.  I feel like I should have more to say about it but I just found the whole routine to be exhausting.  It was basically a frantic collection of everything that I wished people would stop saying and doing when I was 12 years old.  Stephanie tells the girls that they’ve been invited to perform at Lucha Kaboom because why not? and then Kimmie Gibbler’s like, “fuck all y’all” because they wont incorporate her moves into their routine.

DJ’s oldest kid kisses her ass in a variety of ways but she still refuses to let him go to Lucha Kaboom.  Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler continue to have tension over Ramona preferring Stephanie’s dance moves.  Kimmie Gibbler mocks Stephanie and points out her big ol’ titties but refrains from pointing out how obviously fake they are, so she’s really pulling her punches if you ask me.

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DJ initiates a really awkward transition by commenting on the costume that her middle kid is wearing, which is apparently a replica of the one that King Jaguarito wears. Incidentally, I’m not really sure how odd it is that they’re all going to a Mexican wrestling establishment.  I can’t say for sure that they don’t have those in San Francisco, but I’ve certainly never heard of one.  It does seem like a pretty random location to build an episode around.  Anyway, everyone except for DJ’s oldest kid leaves for Lucha Kaboom and then he stares at them out of the window while sad guitar music plays.  Hey, we’ve never seen this out-the-window camera angle before, either.  How interesting!

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As the wrestlers descend onto the stage, DJ’s middle kid exclaims, “holy chalupas!”  Seriously, though, why is this his catch phrase?  It really doesn’t mean anything, and I have no idea where it’s coming from.  “Have mercy” and “how rude” were some really uninspired pieces of shit, but they at least sort of sounded like something a person might say in real life, or were somewhat contextually appropriate.  I guess that a Mexican wrestling establishment makes “holy chalupas” work as well as it’s going to, but that doesn’t mean that it makes it work.

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Ramona gets a text from one of the members of her dance team that says that she wont be able to participate because she’s got a wicked case of the shits (that’s really why!) so the girls ask Stephanie to participate because it’s not totally weird to see a dance crew that’s 3 12-year-olds and a grown woman.  Stephanie does Kimmie Gibbler a solid by offering up her dance spot with the girls, although she might just be doing it because any sensible adult would find the situation pretty embarrassing.

The announcer at the event informs the audience that it’s time for the King Jaguarito costume contest and, naturally, DJ’s kid enters and immediately wins.  But, wait, can we take a minute to check out this weird old guy who enters the competition?  What’s this guys deal?

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I would watch a whole show that was all about this guy.  I want to know everything about his whole life.

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It turns out that King Jaguarito is a little person, which may or may not contribute to a hilarious misunderstanding in a few minutes.  He and DJ’s kid share a brief, unremarkable exchange and then Ramona and her friends come out and do their dance routine because this whole Mexican wrestling performance is actually all about the people from the fuller house for some reason.  The best thing about the routine is that it takes up a fair amount of time and I’m always watching the clock as I work my way through these reviews.  I should also mention that the routine climaxes with the girls doing Kimmie Gibbler’s dance routine from earlier because the moral of this show is always that everyone should always get what they want all the time.

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Meanwhile, back at the fuller house, DJ’s oldest kid devises a naughty scheme with Bobby Popko.  Even though their plan is clearly stated, I found it to be very confusing.  Apparently DJ’s oldest kid is supposed to put on a Mexican wrestling mask and sneak into the match at Lucha Kaboom.  Why?  I have no idea.  Does he just want to go to Lucha Kaboom, or is this like another crazy stunt dare?  I actually replayed the scene to try to wrap my head around this…  What Bobby Popko says is, “put on the mask and sneak into the wrestling match.”  So is he just saying that he should go watch the wrestling match and that he should wear a mask while he does it so DJ doesn’t find out?  Or is he saying to sneak into the actual match, like enter the ring?  And even if he is just going to see the show, how’s he going to get in?  I guess he could buy his own ticket if we can assume that the show isn’t sold out and that this kid has enough money, but… I just find this all the be very confusing.

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But the most baffling part of the plan is that they put the older kid’s phone on the dog so that DJ will think that he’s still at the fuller house, proposing that seeing the phone move around will make it more convincing (which means that the app has some serious pinpoint accuracy), but the older kid wonders why Bobby Popko doesn’t just hold onto the phone because, for some reason, he’s going to be hanging out at the fuller house while DJ’s kid goes to the show.  Why is Bobby Popko holding it down at the house by himself during all of this?  Just, why?  This was seriously the most perplexing 30 seconds of tv I’ve ever seen.

As DJ enjoys the wrestling match she decides that her oldest kid has learned his lesson so she calls him up to join the festivities.  Unfortunately, DJ’s oldest kid’s phone is attached to the dog, who is sitting next to Bobby Popko on the couch.  No, but for reals, why is he in the house by himself?

As if all this hasn’t been nonsensical enough, y’all better emotionally prepare yourselves for what’s about to happen, because it’s just completely fucking insane.  DJ’s oldest kid walks into the venue and sees King Jaguarito wrestling, who he mistakes for his little brother even though he seemed to be familiar with King Jaguarito earlier and, for that reason, as well as many other, should know better than to draw that conclusion.  Regardless, he jumps into the match, which may have been his plan anyway.  I’m still not too clear on that part.  Since this whole fucking thing has gone so deep down a rabbit hole of illogical fantasy that nothing seems to even matter anymore, it’s not even that surprising when these trained professional wrestlers immediately start assaulting a young kid who’s entered the ring.

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DJ’s kid is unmasked and, just when I thought that I could not feel any more like I was going mentally insane while I was watching this, things escalate.  Right as an adult professional wrestler is about to punch DJ’s kid in the face even though he’s clearly, unmistakably, a child, DJ jumps into the ring and starts beating the shit out of everyone.

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WHAT?!!?  The craziest part about it is that Candace Cameron is amazing at performing these wrestling moves.  It’s clearly not a stunt double, as you can see her face the whole time.  It would be one thing if she just ran in and put a stop to everything but she busts out an elaborate, choreographed series of very professional looking acrobatic wrestling moves.  It was stunning as both an impressive performance by the actress (seriously, how did she learn how to do all that shit?  I am in awe of her) and as the most startlingly logic-defying nonsense I have ever witnessed in my life, which has been filled with many wasted hours watching garbage tv that makes no sense.

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The best part is that, as DJ is announced as the winner of the match, we get a bunch of shots of the crowd, including that amazing old guy who entered the King Jaguarito costume contest.  Every second that he is present onscreen is precious to me.

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I can’t think of a more egregious example of these people showing up at an event and completely taking over everything.  At least it would sort of make sense when they would know the Beach Boys and then get to be onstage at their show or host a telethon for Danny’s tv station or something, but this is just fucking gobbledygook.  It’s almost too over-the-top to even criticize because there’s no way to apply any semblance of logic to any of it.  Even after breaking it down moment-by-moment, I’m still not sure what I just saw.

So, anyway, back at the fuller house, DJ has a very special talk with her son.  DJ’s kid asks her how she knew all those wrestling moves, which is a really great question, and she says that she doesn’t know and chalks it up to maternal protective instincts.  I guess that’s about as good of an explanation as we could have hoped for.  DJ tells her kid that he needs to stop engaging in such reckless behavior even though she just brazenly exemplified the complete opposite of that in the most blatant manner imaginable and then they hug it out.

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DJ also tells him to quit hanging out with Bobby Popko but he says that Bobby Popko is his best friend (which I guess is feasible since he appears to be his only friend, at least as far as we know), going so far as to refer him as, “my Kimmie Gibbler.”  Bobby Popko then walks into the room after reportedly taking a very long shower, which you would think that DJ would have been aware of.  As scattered as my brain is after sitting through all this, one thing is clear: Bobby Popko, you are no Kimmie Gibbler.

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I’ve been giving this show some credit here and there because I really do think that it’s an improvement over the original series, but this shit was at least as bad as anything we’ve ever seen from Full House.  It was abrasive and self-absorbed, made virtually no sense and ended with an extremely superfluous life-lesson.  There have been some highlights on this show so far but this one really took it down a notch.  Or, like, a bazillion notches.

Before I call it a wrap on this entry I just wanted to give a heads-up: I’m not going to be posting a review next week because I need a week off from this shit.  Returning to this blog has made me totally mystified as to how the fuck I managed to do this every week for 4 years and I’d like to take a week to deal with actual shit in my real life that this thing gets in the way of.  There will be a new post next week, though.  It’ll be a bonus entry that is an interview with an actual fan of Full House.  I thought it would be fun to talk with someone who actually likes this crap to try to understand what their fuckin’ deal is.  I think it’s gonna be really good.  I’ll post a new review the following week and then every week after that until the Season wraps up.  Stay tuned!



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Fuller House Episode 5, “Mad Max”

I wish I was watching Mad Max.  That would be way better than this crap.  That’s kind of a weird title for this episode, tho.  I don’t really know what it’s supposed to be referring to.

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Stephanie helps DJ’s middle kid practice his trumpet and boy does he suck!  This kid is just the pits.  He’s worried about performing at school (and rightly so!) but Stephanie assures him that he’s from a long line of people who are grossly rewarded for their every effort, no matter how terrible or overbearing they may be.  He’s still peeing his pants about going onstage so she gives him her scarf, claiming that it’s magic and has always helped her perform as a DJ because lying to kids is often the best way to comfort them.  The fabrication proves to be reassuring but then he suggests that Stephanie holds on to the scarf until he needs it, as letting him keep it now might infringe on a potential plot contrivance.

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DJ comes home and complains about how she told her shitty kids that she wasn’t gonna do all the work to raise their new dog but she’s totally doing it anyway.  Can’t say I didn’t see that coming.  Most kids do not deserve dogs.  At least she gets to pet the dog for a while, which makes the audience go, “aww.”

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Kimmie Gibbler tells DJ that she’s made an online dating profile for her and she’s already inundated with dick pics.  DJ says that she’s still not ready to date, what with her husband’s recent tragic death and all, but she would like it if Kimmie Gibbler would store all those pictures in a desktop folder.  Ladies sure do love dick pics.  If they didn’t, why would guys always send them?  That’s just science.

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As Stephanie feeds the baby, her tacky, orange, British friend Shannon enters the kitchen and says that she’s been horrified to see Stephanie’s latest internet posts that document her sudden complacent domesticity.  Clearly the only way to counteract such a horrible life change is to be whisked away to Cochella, where people go to desperately thwart their burgeoning adulthood.

As Stephanie gets ready to skip out on her responsibilities with her ghoulish friend, DJ expresses her confidence that she can hold it down at the fuller house while she’s gone.  Kimmie Gibbler enters with Ramona right as Stephanie is leaving and DJ immediately latches on to them for help.  DJ then realizes that there would be vast comedic potential if Ramona watched the baby so she sets it up.

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DJ’s middle son asks the oldest son where Stephanie went because he wants the scarf for his performance tonight.  DJ’s oldest son divulges that Stephanie has skipped town with some British mess of a woman and then the younger kid starts shouting with alarm, which is surprisingly effective for conveying his plight considering how he shouts most of the time.

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Ramona records a vlog in the bathroom that’s all about how she’s watching the baby.  Why is she doing it in the bathroom?  She starts changing the baby’s shit-filled diaper and since this is a vlog on a tv show it manages to be uninteresting content on two platforms at once.  After changing the baby, she flushes the diaper down the toilet because that’s what happens when you stick a 12 year old with these kinds of responsibilities.

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DJ’s middle kid practices his trumpet in his room for the dog, who is wearing shorts.  DJ comes in and she’s like, “whys the dog wearing shorts” and he explains that the older kid told him to do it.  DJ’s like, “ok”  then she leaves and then there’s about 10 more seconds of trumpet practice for the dog.  That’s the whole scene.  Why did that happen?  What does it even mean?  If you took this scene out it wouldn’t effect the rest of the episode at all.  Just, what the fuck?

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Kimmie Gibbler lets a strange man in the house and it turns out that he’s one of DJ’s potential internet dates and Kimmie Gibbler is doing like a screening of him.  Sure, why not?  She guesses his weight and they do this really hokey effect where she picks him up and I thought that it was just poorly done enough to be funny.  There’s also a lame joke about “picking up guys” and I have to admit that Kimmie Gibbler is probably the greatest deliverer of corny jokes in the entire entertainment industry.

So Kimmie Gibbler heads upstairs to find DJ, but DJ is in the kitchen, calling the plumber to find out when they’re coming over to pull that diaper out of the toilet.  DJ stumbles onto the date guy, who’s just standing around in the living room, and mistakes him for the plumber, which is a fairly reasonable deduction since Kimmie Gibbler apparently never told her about this date guy coming over.  What follows is a series of deftly crafted exchanges that can be interpreted as either requests for plumbing assistance or casual sex.  DJ is all, “let’s go upstairs and you can insert your penis into my vagina,” which could easily be about plumbing if you think about it.  Groundbreaking material!  Regardless of what a stretch some of the exchanges are, DJ’s delivery is pretty good and I like how the date guy is just totally down to fuck a complete stranger.  I guess that’s not too unrealistic.

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Eventually, Kimmie Gibbler comes in with the real plumber and everything gets sorted out.  When the plumber realizes that these ladies are into online dating he puts himself out there as being available, too, which was really pretty brave of him.  I hope that lonely plumber finds the love that he’s searching for.

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There’s like a 2-second stock footage shot of a crowd that signifies to us that we are now witnessing Coachella.  Stephanie and her disgusting friend spend all their time backstage, though, in a way more manageable set.  Stephanie finds out that some other bullshit rich kid DJ broke his arm so now she’s being invited to perform as a last-minute replacement, which comes as quite a surprise to her even thought pretty much everything in her life seems to happen this way.

Meanwhile, DJ hangs out with her kids backstage before the middle kid’s performance.  He’s shitting in his little pants because he doesn’t have the stupid magic scarf that Stephanie promised him so DJ decides to call Stephanie, who is in the middle of performing onstage.  She’s got like backup dancers and everything.  I guess it’s not that big of a deal for her to take a call during her set because she’s just one of those laptop DJ’s anyway.

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DJ explains the trouble that’s been caused because Stephanie didn’t leave the kid her magic scarf, which is sort of a weird problem if you think about it.  Like, the kid doesn’t seem to really give a shit that she just cut out and isn’t coming to his show at all, he just wants the scarf.  So the lesson here isn’t really that you shouldn’t abandon kids, it’s just to remember to leave them with token gifts that you promise.  I don’t know.

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So check this shit out.  Stephanie cuts off the music that she’s playing and puts the kid’s video call onto the projectors and has him play his shitty ass trumpet for Coachella.  So, not only are these people totally ruining an entire music festival with this bullshit, but you should also keep in mind that DJ’s kid is playing the trumpet backstage at his own show, so he’s also ruining whatever performance is happening onstage right now.  Stephanie gets the crowd to chant for DJ’s kid, which they are on enough drugs to go along with, so he acquires the confidence to play at some dumb little kid recital.  So I guess the lesson here is that if you forget to do something helpful for a kid then you’d better ruin a music festival for their benefit later.  Man, fuck this show.

Backstage at Coachella, Stephanie is applauded for forcing a bunch of people who paid an awful lot of money for a festival ticket to watch her stupid nephew suck at the trumpet.  Stephanie’s trainwreck of a friend urges her to go on to their next adventure, which will start with a drunken airplane ride and end with matching BFF abortions, so Stephanie decides to join her.

DJ asks Ramona why she flushed a diaper down the toilet but Ramona blames it on the baby, which leads to about a full minute of audience-pandering baby close-up shots.  DJ doesn’t get too mad about it because it’s her own fault for leaving her baby under the supervision of a little kid with no training.  Then, abruptly, and related to nothing, Kimmie Gibbler comes downstairs with the plumber and is like I’ma go hit this.  End of scene.  Well, I’m glad that things worked out for that guy.  He seemed really special and deserving of love.

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As DJ puts the baby to bed, Stephanie enters the room and tells her that she decided to forego whatever STD’s she was inevitably about to contract and come back to the fuller house instead.  She goes on about how DJ’s deeply uninteresting children have burrowed into her heart like some sort of parasitic worm and then DJ says that she sees mom potential in Stephanie.  Then shit gets all serious and DJ’s like what wrong but Stephanie wont tell her but then DJ’s like bitch this show’s only like 25 minutes long just spit it out.

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Stephanie tells DJ that she found out a few years ago that she’s unable to have kids.  She explains that she didn’t really think about it too much when she found out but since she’s been filling a parental role lately it’s been weighing on her.  DJ expresses her sympathies and says that her kids are Stephanie’s kids, too, and then they hug.  I’m sorry, you guys, but this was genuinely affecting.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been doing a bunch of projects about reproductive health over the past year or so, which has exposed me a lot to what women go through over this stuff and possibly made me incapable of being an asshole about it when it occurs on this show as a consequence.  But, honestly, I just think that they pulled off a genuinely emotional moment for once.  This is really the only time they’ve been at all mature or insightful when handling an issue.  The shit that Stephanie is going through is realistic, and makes sense in this scenario, and the actresses both really deliver emotionally honest and restrained performances here. This is the first time ever that a scene that was intended to have some sort of heart-string-pulling effect didn’t feel completely hollow and manipulative.  What really gets me is that this is  the first time that anyone has had any actual character motivation on this show.  Full House was all about how hilarious it would be if 3 total fuck-ups pissed and shit their way through raising kids together and, besides the dad, they never really created any clear reason for anyone to be there besides probably free rent.  Stephanie’s situation actually adds depth to her character by giving her a motivation for being there and it also strengthens the family aspect of the show.  As always, I am judging this show based on the all-time low bar that has been set by the original series, so I very well could be giving it too much credit here, but this is definitely the first time that seeing these characters cry didn’t make me laugh.

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The kids all come in the room and greet Stephanie and then they all hug and then Kimmie Gibbler comes back from gettin her pussy ate by that gentle plumber and then she hugs with them, too.

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P.S. I was just kidding earlier.  I know that ladies don’t really like dick pics.

Posted in Fuller House | 67 Comments

Fuller House Episode 4, “The Not-So-Great Escape”

Screen shot 2016-03-22 at 1.24.43 AMStephanie makes some observations about the baby that aren’t even worth mentioning and then Kimmie Gibbler comes downstairs, kisses her and refers to her as, “sister-wife.”  Well, cool, I guess that I can stop complaining about how Full House never acknowledged its gay subtext.  Now that it has, why don’t we all just quit while we’re ahead?

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But, no, it just keeps going.  DJ and Kimmie Gibbler have different parenting styles.  DJ makes her kids healthy turkey wraps for lunch and Kimmie Gibbler just gives her kid money.  DJ’s oldest kid comes downstairs with his science fair project because he’s king of the nerds and says that he was, “up all night, erupting my volcano, ” which is taken as a euphemism. The somewhat racy jokes are akin to the gay stuff on this show for me.  They helped the show to exceed the low standard that was set by the original series, and I was sort of impressed by that at first, but now that I’ve slightly adjusted those standards all I’m really noticing now is crappy jokes on a bland ass sitcom.  That initial spark of having my incredibly low expectations slightly outdone has faded.  It’s like the opposite of an erupting volcano.

Kimmie Gibbler’s kid, Ramona, complains about how her new school sucks a fat ass dick and she doesn’t have any friends there.  DJ gets ready for work and reminds Kimmie Gibbler that she’s supposed to watch the baby but Kimmie Gibbler’s like, sorry, homey, I got shit to do.  One of the greatest things about Full House was always when Kimmie Gibbler was a super shitty friend to DJ and this is totally how that kind of thing evolves over decades.  Your super shitty teenage friend who is habitually dishonest and often takes advantage of you ends up being your adult friend who is casually unreliable and lives in your house for free.  Anyway, Kimmie Gibbler gets Stephanie to agree to watch the baby by breaking down her self-esteem.  She gets Stephanie to admit that she doesn’t have a boyfriend or a job or any money, which means that she should watch the baby all day for some reason.  Why doesn’t Stephanie have any money?  I thought she was a hot shit DJ.  I kind of assumed that she would make pretty decent bank from doing that.  I guess it’s  feasible that she snorted all that cash up, tho.  Also, I’ll give the whole exchange a pass because I got to see Stephanie being emotionally abused.

DJ’s middle kid runs in the room and starts shouting at everyone about how he’s gonna pick out his new puppy today.  Remember in the first episode when that dog gave birth in the back yard?  Continuity.

Ramona complains about how much their school sucks to DJ’s oldest kid so he promises to cook up a scheme to break her out of there.  All of this happens at a new set, which is their elementary school or middle school or whatever.  I’m not really sure how old these kids are supposed to be.

Speaking of new sets, we get to see where DJ works, which looks like some weird, tiny pet clinic in Chinatown.  DJ is greeted by her secretary, Janet, who sounds like she’s from Jamaica or something.

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Her nationality probably wouldn’t be worth mentioning if we learned anything else about her, but she’s just Janet the (probably) Jamaican secretary.  That’s all you get to know.  DJ has her middle kid with her because he’s there to pick out his puppy, which I guess means he doesn’t have to go to school.  The other kids are at school right now, but this motherfucker gets to hang out with a bunch of puppies all day instead.  The other kids don’t even mind for some reason.  DJ’s middle kid exclaims, “holy chalupas” when he sees the puppies because that’s the kind of catch phrase you end up with when you release your whole season all at once, without figuring out what works first.

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There’s an abrupt introduction to some other vet that DJ’s works with but it seems like the only reason he’s on the show is because DJ might want to bang his son, Matt.  The vet explains that Matt will be helping out around the office so that the show can have some sexual tension and then Matt and DJ totally jerk off at each other for a few minutes.  But, like, with their eyes.

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While Stephanie and the baby wait in line at a coffee shop, some guy starts putting the moves on her hella hard.  He’s like, “nothing gets my dick harder than a single mom, ” so Stephanie proceeds to pretend that Tommy is her baby.  She orders like 3 things and the guy at the counter tells her that her total is $18.50 and I wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be a joke or not.  It seems like an absurdly high price for the items that she’s ordered, but it also seems sort of feasible, especially in San Francisco.  So it’s not high enough to be farcical and it’s not low enough to be reasonable.  So probably I’m putting more thought into it than anyone else did.  Anyway, DJ calls Stephanie and asks her if she can come fill in for her receptionist, who probably went back to Jamaica or something.  Stephanie agrees to come in so she skips out on paying for the stuff she ordered because it doesn’t matter whether or not the price is absurd when you’re straight up broke.

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Meanwhile, back at school, DJ’s oldest kid sits around with his nerdy volcano and it looks like everyone else has a model volcano, too, so I guess this is like a class project and not the worst science fair of all time.  Ramona continues to scheme with him about how to sneak out of school.  She shoulda just said that she wanted to pick out a puppy.  That seems to get you out of school for a whole day for some reason.  Anyway, DJ’s oldest kid says that he’s gonna create a diversion so that Ramona can climb out of the window and on to freedom.

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Oh shit, the kids’ teacher is played by Stephen Tobolowsky!  That motherfucker is in everything!  He’s that guy who plays Ned in Groundhog’s Day, plus bit parts in like everything ever, and also he had that podcast.  Plus also he’s one of the credited screenplayer writers of True Stories.  Anyway, DJ’s oldest kid mixes some chemicals together, which sets off the smoke alarm and all the sprinklers.

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The sprinklers set off all of the volcanoes, which is actually pretty well staged, and then Ramona sneaks out of the window while all the other kids shuffle out into the hallway.  Since everyone else is also leaving, you’d think that she could just go out with them and then sneak away in all the kerfuffle once they get outside.

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Stephen Tobolowsky gets all pissed at DJ’s oldest kid because he saw him activate the smoke alarm and then Ramona gets busted for sneaking out of the window because apparently everyone lines up right outside of it during fire drills.  Couldn’t she be like, “I was going out there to line up with everyone and I went out the window because there was water spraying all over the place or I was freaked out or whatever”?  This whole scheme seems very convoluted to me.

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DJ’s middle kid continues to try to decide which puppy to choose.  Seriously, why isn’t this kid at school?  And why is this taking all day?  It’s really upsetting to me that a scene which features a lot of puppies could be so irritating.  Stephanie comes in and starts demanding that DJ pays her before she even does any work and then she starts vying for the attention of all the people who are patiently waiting for their pets to get some medical treatment.  Kimmie Gibbler comes in to pick up the baby and then someone’s phone rings and everyone checks to see if it’s theirs.  They keep doing that on this show.  There’s a phone ringing sound and everyone checks to see if it’s theirs.  I don’t really have anything to say about that but I noticed that it keeps happening so I thought I’d point it out.  Anyway, the call is from DJ’s kids’ school, to tell her that he got in trouble for setting off the fire alarm.  Moments later, Kimmie Gibbler gets a phone call about how Ramona is in trouble, too, but that barely registered with me because I noticed all of the photos on the wall that are supposed to be from DJ’s older co-worker (the one with the son she wants to bang).  There are pictures of a dog steering a boat and riding a motorcycle on that wall.  It’s enough to make you stop paying attention to whatever else is on the screen.

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Anyway, DJ and Kimmie Gibbler head down to the school, leaving Stephanie to watch the baby and run the vet clinic, which must be pretty challenging when none of the vets are there.  That guys who wanted to bang Stephanie at the coffee shop walks in and tries to stick it to her some more and then DJ’s middle kid wanders into the room because he’s still there for some reason.  The coffee shop guys says that single moms with multiple kids get him all horned up even more than single moms with one kid so Stephanie says that DJ’s middle kid is hers, too.  Stephanie ushers the kid into the other room and also kinda haphazardly shoves the baby’s stroller in there so she can continue canoodling with the coffee shop guy, which was kind of funny in a laughing at horrible negligence kind of a way.

There’s a really over-long shot of DJ’s middle kid trying to pick out a puppy while the baby sits there in the background and it’s just so blatantly like, “look, babies and puppies!”  They’re not even trying here.

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Some weird lady walks into the pet clinic and lets a skunk loose in what is maybe the most abrupt, random occurrence in the history of television.  The whole scene is like 10 seconds long.  The following scene shows us DJ returning to the clinic to find Stephanie soaking in a tub of tomato juice, along with the kids and the puppies.

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DJ exclaims her old catch-phrase, “oh mylanta,” which doesn’t get a reaction from the audience because it was never very memorable.  DJ’s like, “what the fuckin is even going on around here?” and Stephanie explains that they all got prayed by a skunk and she googled what to do, hence the tomato juice baths.  She doesn’t explain where she got all that tomato juice but whatever.  Stephanie is worried that DJ will be mad but DJ just takes a picture and says that it will be great for her Facebook page.  Ha ha, Facebook!  That’s a thing we all use these days!

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Back at the fuller house, Ramona has a friend over because getting in trouble at school made her instantly popular.  Both Ramona and DJ’s oldest kid have been suspended for 3 days after their terrible scheme went belly up.  Kimmie Gibbler doesn’t give two shits about her kid getting in trouble but DJ starts doling out strict repercussions to her son.  DJ”s kid gets all pissed about being in trouble when Ramona isn’t so DJ takes Kimmie Gibbler aside and asks her to stop being such a cool mom all the time.

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Things get hella emotional when Kimmie Gibbler explains that she’s being so lenient because her marriage fell apart and she made her daughter move in with a bunch of annoying crackers so she feels bad but then DJ’s like, that’s understandable but you need to stop being such a fucking pussy because you’re fuckin’ up my shit.  Then the two moms go back to the kids and tell them that they have to share the duties of DJ’s kids punishment because it’s more fair.  Ramona tells them that DJ’s kid only set off the alarm to help her escape and that makes them reduce the punishment for some reason.  I guess the lesson there is that it’s ok to do something illegal that disrupts an entire institution if it’s to help someone you care about do something they’re not supposed to.

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DJ’s younger kid comes in with his new dog.  I’m not sure which one he picked because they all looked exactly the same.  Actually, all of those dogs that we saw will probably be playing the dog on this show.  The doorbell rings and it’s that guy from the coffee shop coming over to bone Stephanie, who lies to him about who everyone else in the house is in relation to her because I guess the parents haven’t already taught the kids enough warped lessons already.  But, hey, check out that adorable new puppy!

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Posted in Fuller House | 64 Comments

Fuller House Episode 3, “Funner House”

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Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler flaunt their sexy outfits as they prepare for a girls night out.  DJ approaches them and even though she’s clearly wearing a shitload of makeup and has her nails did, she is apparently not prepared for a rambunctious ladies night out.

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It never really works when people on tv are supposed to look like shit but also look nice for tv at the same time.  DJ says that she wants to just stay in and be a boring ass mom but Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler aint havin’ it.  Kimmie Gibbler coerces her to come out on the town with them and names their group, “the she-wolf pack,” even though that seems to suggest that they should stay inside all the time and make reenactments of famous movies.

DJ continues to resist the pull to go outside and have a life.  When she points out that the kids don’t have a babysitter, she is told that it’s been taken care of.

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That’s right, the world’s most useless asshole is going to be taking care of the kids.  You’d think that DJ would remember her own ruined childhood and refuse to let Joey anywhere near her progeny but I guess she blocked out most of the stuff that she lived through.

DJ says that she’s going to go upstairs to change but Stephanie insists the she changes in their Uber instead.  Oh yeah by the way this scene makes a big point of mentioning Uber, Instagram, selfies and “fleek” because it’s 2016, y’all.  That means that we have to shamelessly namedrop things that became a big deal two years ago.  But, anyway, DJ says she doesn’t wanna change in the car, protesting, “what if Uber sees my boobers?” which is weird because that’s a really forced rhyme and also Uber is not a person.  That’s like saying, “what if Checker Cab sees my nutsack?”  Joey responds to DJ’s concerns by saying, “then you wont have to give him a tip” because it’s not already unsettling enough already to think about the kids being left alone with him so he had to go and say some fucked up shit like that.

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The parents say goodbye to the kids but they’re all just on their iphones and stuff because Uber Instagram fleek Facebook.com.  The parents leave and Joey discovers that the kids all went to hide in their rooms, probably because they didn’t want to look at his stupid face for one more second.  Did I mention that Joey appears to be wearing Heelys?  Boy do I wish he was dead.  He approaches the baby, who is physically incapable of escaping his presence, and starts doing some impression at him.  I really can’t tell who it’s supposed to be. Ralph Kramden?  That’s my best guess.

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The ladies arrive at a club called Euphoria, which isn’t the worst set I’ve ever seen.  The audience are all like, “aaaaaaaaoowwwwww!” when DJ appears in her sexy goin’ out dress, and it’s a lot more understandable than when they hooted when Joey showed up.  Wouldn’t it be great if the audience all just started booing when Joey showed up, and then he left?  That woulda been just the best.

It turns out that Kimmie Gibbler is well known at this club, so the ladies get this special V.I.P. section with roped-off couches to have conveniently staged moments in.  Kimmie Gibbler explains that she used to hang out at this club all the time with her estranged husband and then Stephanie offers to get everyone tequila shots.  And then everyone agrees to drink tequila!  It’s not even made out to be a big deal or anything!  I am almost totally positive that this is the first time anyone has ever drank alcohol on any sort of Full House thing, except for that one time that DJ’s boyfriend drank a beer, which only occurred for the purpose of showing us how bad drinking a beer is.  Now drinking booze is just being casually presented as something that adults do when they go out.  I am willing to call that progress.  It’s like they almost sort of live in some kind of reality, finally.

Stephanie approaches the bar and the audience starts hooting.  I think it’s because of the appearance of these 2 guys at the counter.  Are these guys from something?  I don’t recognize them at all.  I also can’t tell if they’re supposed to be attractive or sleazy or some sort of combination of those things. Regardless, they each give Stephanie’s ass a good long stare.

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Stephanie invites the guys back to the private roped off couches area and calls dibs on one of them (banging dibs) and then he does this weird move where he wipes his mustache off with his fingers.  I guess he’s just trying to get all the crumbs off before she places her vagina there.  What a gentleman!

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Joey barges into the boys’ room while they are silently engaging with their screens.  He starts bugging them with some shitty impressions and they’re like, “fuck off.  You haven’t been on tv since before we were born, and even then you sucked shit.”  Joey can’t stand not being the center of attention so he steals all the kids devices and locks them in a drawer.  He then unveils a bunch of Nerf guns and silly string and shit like that because I guess simulating violence is preferable to sitting quietly in your room and watching pornography.  DJ’s middle kid exclaims, “holy chalupa” when he sees all the toy guns.  I’ve tried to avoid any articles or listicles or whatever about this show but it’s been pretty unavoidable to learn before watching this episode that this is his catch-phrase.  I don’t even know what to make of it.  If I hadn’t been warned that he’d be saying it again later, I wouldn’t have even thought about it.  It’s just some dumb thing he says.

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Anyway, Joey encourages the kids into having a Silly String battle because he doesn’t have to clean the floors later.

Back at the clizub, DJ and Stephanie describe an old episode of Full House to the sleazy guys and the guys pretend that they think it’s funny because they’re trying really hard to get laid.  Then, all of a sudden, Macy Grey walks in.

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Why is Macy Grey on this show?  She had, like, one song, and it was in the late 90’s.  This is even more bizarre than when she was in that Spider-Man movie.  She’s a pretty random one-hit wonder to feature on any show in 2016, but this one especially because it’s all about early 90’s throwback shit and Macy Grey had her 15 minutes several years after the original series went off the air.  Like, if Right Said Fred showed up in this scene, you’d have the same, “oh, they’re still alive?” reaction that you get from seeing Macy Grey, but you could sort of rationalize the appearance by realizing that he was fished from the same dried up pool of nostalgia that Full House was.  You know, the “things that ruined 1992” pool.  Seeing Macy Grey here just has nothing to do with anything.  I’m sure the real answer is that her manager is a producer on this show or something and they’re just trying to promote her new album (spoiler alert: Macy Grey will be plugging her new album shortly) but, even still, I find this guest-spot to be very odd.

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So apparently Stephanie knows Macy Grey because they did some shows together or something so she decides to subject the singer to DJ and Kimmie Gibbler.  Another thing about Macy Grey that makes her appearance on the show extra weird is that she has no onscreen charisma whatsoever.  She seems really detached from everything that’s happening.  It’s a very unique brand of terrible performance, which actually sort of makes sense when you consider her truly bizarre singing voice.  Like, it’s not just that her delivery is flat, it seems like she’s in a trance or something, or like her lines are being beamed into her brain from a government satellite.  She’s never really looking at anyone and displays no emotion whatsoever.  This whole thing is just really weird.

After Macy grey abruptly wanders off, the sleazy guys start urging DJ and Stephanie to get grinded on the dance floor.  They ladies say that they’re into it but they need to find some loose, STD-ridden guy in a collared shirt for Kimmie Gibbler, too.  Stephanie says that Kimmie Gibbler should have no problem finding a guy because there’s plenty of “eye candy” in the club and then Kimmie Gibbler sees a guy’s ass while he’s bending over and refers to him as, “butt candy.”

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The term butt candy is really disgusting, and should never be used as a joke, especially a sexual one.  Anyway it turns out that the butt candy in question is Kimmie Gibbler’s estranged husband, Fernando.

Fernando sees Kimmie Gibbler and immediately starts waggling his penis at her.  I can’t get over what an over-the-top Latin stereotype he is.  Every single line he says is drenched in Spanish-speaking sexy guy overemphasis.  I was curious about who this actor was and why he was willing to portray such an abrasive cultural stereotype and then I discovered that he played Jesus on some tv series.  I don’t know why exactly but I think that’s amazing.

Macy Grey takes the stage and plugs her new album (I warned you!) before performing her new song, which I’m sure is going to be a really big hit.  Fernando is overtaken by the music, which is a common ailment for Latin stereotypes, and convinces Kimmie Gibbler to join him on the dance floor.

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DJ and Stephanie join the sleezy guys for a lengthy, choreographed dance number.  It definitely challenges disbelief to present these dances, which are clearly heavily rehearsed, as something that’s occurring spontaneously between strangers, but as an actual dance number on tv it was not bad.  Stephanie has another moment where she’s really begging the audience to see how talented she is, but, honestly, her moves are pretty good.  I gotta say, too, that Stephanie herself is looking not too shabby.  I cannot endorse fake titties at all, but her overall appearance is worthy of some audience hooting if you ask me.

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I knew that Stephanie was gonna pull some “oh my god please look at me” dance moves during this series, but I was really surprised when DJ ripped shit up on the dance floor, too.  Good for her!  Meanwhile, Kimmie Gibbler and Fernando do some much more moderate moves while talking about how they used to win this clubs’ nightly dance competition all the time (you’d think that they wouldn’t have them do a dance that’s way less impressive than the 2 we just saw while talking about how they always win dance competitions…) and then Fernando’s date shows up and is like, “what the fuck?”  Apparently Fernando was trying to bag Kimmie Gibbler right quick while the blonde hoe that he brought to the club was taking a shit, but now the hoe is back and she’s throwing mad shade at Kimmy Gibbler.  For some reason she doesn’t get mad at Fernando for trying to bang someone the second she left the room and puts all her energy into being an asshole to Kimmie Gibbler instead.

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Kimmie Gibbler gets all upset and heads back to her private roped off bourgeois section of the club to drink more booze and then her homegirls leave the sleezy guys on the dance floor so they can console her.

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Meanwhile, back at the full house, the kids have completely trashed the place during their silly string war.  As they fire shots at each other, they vent their frustrations as well, the best of which is Ramona’s chastising of the boys for pissing all over the bathroom floor.  The doorbell rings and a voice from outside claims to be a pizza delivery and even though the kids haven’t heard anything about a pizza, they rush to answer it.  They must be the easiest to murder kids in America.  It turns out to be worse than a murderer because it’s Joey, who immediately starts shooting them with slime from a Super Soaker (are Super Soakers another throwback thing or are they still around?).  He douses them with slime for a really excessive amount of time and then, as though that didn’t go on for long enough, he shoots rolls of toilet paper at them with this prop comedian toilet paper launcher thing.

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He finishes his assault with an impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger, after which the kids just kind of stand there like, “we have no idea who you’re impersonating because we are children and you haven’t updated any of your references since 1993.”

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Macy Grey tells the audience about the dance competition because I guess she’s not just the headliner, she’s also the MC.  Kimmie Gibbler says that she doesn’t wanna hang around and watch Fernando win the dance competition with some blonde hoe but then DJ tells her that the two of them should team up and win it with their Dirty Dancing routine from 1987.  The 2 sleazy guys come back and even thought it would make sense to dance with them for the competition, the ladies snub them. The guys decide to dance with each other instead and then they tear their shirts open while the audience goes nuts, which I don’t even know how to react to.  All I have to say about it is that, if I have to have that image burned into my brain forever, so do you guys.

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Stephanie talks Macy Grey into performing, “Time of My Life,” and then she sings it with her because why shouldn’t she be the focus of everything all the time?

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DJ and Kimmie Gibbler start dancing together and I must say that it is pretty erotic.

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There’s totally gonna be some scissoring in the fuller house later.  The 2 sleazy guys engage in an equally homoerotic dance, which is a lot weirder because they’re supposed to be brothers.  They eventually start bickering like an old married couple, which disrupts their pelvic thrusts enough to get them thrown out of the competition.

You guys aren’t gonna believe this, but Kimmie Gibbler and DJ are up against Fernando and that blonde hoe at the climax of the competition.  DJ and Fernando both prepare to be the Patrick Swayze in the lifting Jennifer Grey move and then DJ reminds Fernando that he’ll be causing emotional duress for Kimmie Gibbler if he wins so he throws the move by feigning a toe cramp.  DJ still feels like she has to complete the move for some reason so she enlists the 2 sleazy brothers to lift Kimmie Gibbler even thought they’ve already been eliminated from the competition and were a different team.

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Macy Grey announces that the winners are, “these 2 luscious lesbians.”  Whoa!  That was actually amazing!  They really did seem like a couple during the competition, and I’m really impressed that the show actually acknowledged its own homeosexual undertones for once.  They don’t even make a big deal of it, or treat it like it’s an unfortunate misunderstanding or anything, they just kinda throw it out there.  All I ever wanted was for the show to recognize that it’s kinda gay, and it finally did.  I’ma sleep soundly tonight.

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Just to ensure that not too much progress has been made, DJ delivers a long, self-indulgent speech to the audience as she accepts her dance contest victory.  She goes on about all the personal life lessons she learned by getting drunk on a weeknight and dancing with her homegirls and then the audience goes, “aww.”  At the end of the scene, Macy Grey says to no one in particular, “what am I doing here?  I won a Grammy.”  Points for self-awareness, yet again.  That was some real shit that she just said.

The kids arrange to dump a big tub full of slime onto Joey when he walks through the front door but the recipients of said slime end up being the ladies returning from their night out.  Nevermind how the kids managed to rig that whole thing, or where all the slime came from.

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Stephanie exclaims, “how rude!” and the audience are overjoyed by this split-second  revisitation of their corny childhoods.  The kids aren’t sorry at all about sliming the parents, and neither is Joey.  Before the moms can even say anything, Joey gives them this whole speech about how he brought the kids closer together by ruining the house.  He then starts heading for the door and issues an incredibly condescending, “you’re welcome” to all the adults on his way out.  Wait, where’s he even going?  What time is it supposed to be?  I would assume that it’s pretty late since the adults just came back from getting drunk at a club and winning a dance competition, but the kids are also still up, so maybe it’s only like 9 or something.  But even still, I doubt Joey is about to get on a plane and go back to Vegas right now.  It seems odd for him to just peace out like that.

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I’m gonna give the show credit here.  I took Joey’s terrible babysitting and condescending speech to be a tongue-in-cheek acknowledgement of what a useless dickhole he is.  This moment really is a perfect balance of “classic Joey” for Full House fans and “if you really think about, Joey is a complete piece of shit” for people like me, who can’t seem to not watch this terrible show.  What percentage of people are watching this show because they actually like it and how many are watching it just because they’re compelled by how bad it is?  I’d really like to know.  Anyway, the kids all spray slime at Joey with Super Soakers and that’s the end.

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I don’t know, you guys, I thought this one was kinda fun.  I liked that they drank alcohol and DJ and Kimmie Gibbler rubbed their vaginas together on the dance floor and Joey was portrayed with some acknowledgement of how much he sucks.  Also, the kids weren’t in it very much.  It’s hard to really evaluate a show like this because it has set such a low bar for itself that you can’t really compare it to anything else.  But, compared to Full House itself, I feel like this was not too bad.  I feel like I need to further justify that statement.  Like, I expected this to be completely horrible and it was just really bad, so I kind of liked it.  I’m doing the best I can here.  Whatever.

Posted in Fuller House | 90 Comments

Fuller House Episode 2, “Moving Day”

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DJ’s middle son goes down to the basement that used to be Joey’s creepy room and is now where Stephanie nurses her hangovers.  I bet it still smells like Joey in there.  You just know that the stench of old, sweaty socks, cum rags and Funyuns are ground into every square inch of that underground shithole, so much so that even Danny’s obsessive compulsive cleaning could never get rid of it.  It’s worse than a carpeted room that used to have like 15 dogs living in it.  DJ’s middle kid shouts at Stephanie to wake up for Sunday brunch because if there’s one thing a bunch of white ass white people can’t wait for, it’s brunch on a Sunday.  I bet they’ll all do the New York Times crossword puzzle while they eat it.  Regardless of her heritage, Stephanie resists waking up so DJ’s middle son has to shout at her and drag her around.

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Meanwhile, DJ prepares a bottle for her baby, Tommy.  I gotta admit that they actually managed to put a cute baby on this show for once.  Tommy is pretty rad.  DJ hands him a bottle and he drinks it for a while as the audience laughs.  I always resented these moments with Michelle and took them as opportunities to point out what an ugly baby the Olsen twins were but now that they have a cute baby on this show I can focus more on how hacky it is to just point a camera at a baby while it’s doin’ stuff.  I wonder if those moments are in the script.  “Point camera at the baby while it does whatever.”

DJ’s oldest son comes downstairs and DJ gets all up in his grill and keeps offering him lots of delicious food and a milkshake in a sort of manic way.

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Candace Cameron is looking pretty great these days except that she’s all orange.  What’s up with that?  Are they just doing a really weird job with her makeup or does she sleep in a tanning booth every night in real life?  Anyway, her kid gets suspicious about her being all frantic and offering him bribery food but she won’t tell him what’s going on.

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Stephanie comes up from her room and starts talking about how she’s not a morning person because she likes to stay out late and get drunk and cruise around for strange D.  I guess that they’re trying to establish Stephanie as “the party girl” and even though it’s kinda lame it’s at least an effort to make her interesting.  I guess it also kinda makes sense that the neglected middle child who nobody gave a shit about after she turned like 8 would be the most wild and out of control character on the show.  I bet she drinks like 2 whole wine coolers some nights.  Maybe there’ll be an episode later where they have an intervention after she smokes a cigarette or something.

DJ takes Stephanie aside and explains the premise for the episode to her, all recorded through this great from-the-fridge cam.  That’s a new one.  I like it!

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They do this crappy bit where DJ keeps misconstruing Stephanie’s statements about what she’s looking at in the refrigerator and it really doesn’t work, especially when Stephanie declares, ” I spilled the beans” as a literal statement but we can see in the foreground of the screen that this did not actually happen.  It is very clear to us that there are no beans there!  Even still, more from-the-fridge cam, please!  I wish all the kitchen scenes ever were shot this way!

Oh yeah also I forgot to say that premise for the episode is that DJ doesn’t know how to tell her boring kids about how Kimmie Gibbler and Ramona are moving in.

One more thing I want to say about inside the refrigerator is that they have totally exposed food in there.  Put some Saran Wrap over that chicken!  I bet all these people’s stomachs are riddled with bacteria!

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Kimmie Gibbler and her daughter, Ramona, show up on the porch and they only have like 3 bags between them but I guess this is them moving in.  I really like Kimmie Gibbler’s egg and bacon scarf.  It totally makes sense for her weird early 90’s fashion to have evolved into weird mom fashion.  Like, it’s sort of embarrassing but also totally awesome at the same time in both cases.  Ramona isn’t thrilled about living in the full house and then she protests that they’re moving in with “the whitest family in America.”  WAIT, WHAT!??!  Holy shit, that was amazing!  It’s like someone actually said something that made sense for once!  What an incredible moment of clarity!  This show has been painfully self-referential for pretty much every second so far, but this is the first time that it’s referred to itself in a non-back-patting kind of a way.  I’m totally impressed that they would make fun of themselves without smiling and winking at the camera the whole time, and are showing some actual self-awareness here.  Ramona is totally my favorite character forever now.

Hey wait, I also just realized that Kimmie Gibbler made a point about not telling Ramona about moving into the full house last episode and it seemed like there was going to be some follow-up to that, but now we revisit them with Ramona having already been told about it and the episode is all about DJ not telling her kids.  That seems weird and inconsistent to me.

DJ continues to give her oldest kid sugary breakfast foods while he pleads with her to tell him what the fuck is going on and there are some more shots of the baby while the audience whoops it up.  Kimmie Gibbler and Ramona burst into the kitchen and DJ’s oldest kid somehow instantly deduces that they’re moving in and is pretty upset.  I can’t really blame him.  What kind of a shitty mom is DJ being here?  She’s like, “how do I tell my kids about these life changes?” but I’d say that the worst possible solution to that problem is to not tell them at all and then just spring it on them.  You know what the solution to this problem is?  Talk to your kids.  Tell them what’s going on.  Maybe that’s not as wacky and hilarious as what we get to see here but it’s a very simple, obvious solution.

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DJ takes Kimmie Gibbler and Ramona up to Jesse and Becky’s old attic digs, where they’ll be staying.  Kimmie Gibbler puts a big sticker on the wall that’s an image of her head saying, “Do it… Gibbler style” that looks exactly like the one I’ve had on the ceiling above my bed for years.  It’s really good advice.  Ladies be poppin’ like crazy for it.

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Ramona is shown Nicky and Alex’s old room and she says that she can’t stay in there because it’s small as fuck.

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DJ suggests putting her two boring ass sons in a room together so Ramona can have her own spot downstairs and Ramona’s like, yeah, man, make it happen.

DJ makes a cake for her oldest son to prepare him for the news that he’ll have to give up having his own room.  As she stammers through her disclosure, the middle kid runs downstairs and shouts about the shifting state of the rooms upstairs.  Man, that kid really yells a lot.  I guess that’s going to be one of his defining characteristics.

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DJ’s oldest kid runs upstairs to find Ramona moving into his room and is again understandably upset about major shit going down that directly effects him that he had no heads up about at all.  Granted, this is all shit that he’d probably be upset about anyway, but the no prior knowledge thing is a real extra kick in the nuts.  Just tell your kids what’s going on, DJ.  That’s the lesson here.  It is a very simple one.

So I guess the arrangement is that Ramona gets her own room, the 2 boys have to share a room and the baby has his own room, too, just like how Michelle used to have her own room for no clear reason when she was a baby.  Why don’t they just put DJ in the attic room and the baby in Nicky and Alex’s old room and then everyone can have their own room downstairs?  Anyway, DJ’s oldest kid is hella pissed about sharing a room but the middle kid is super into it.

DJ finds Kimmie Gibbler and Stephanie in the kitchen, eatin’ all the cake, and she’s like, “there’s been another plot contrivance!  As if things weren’t already crazy enough, there’s an emergency down at the pet clinic.”  Apparently, a pig’s vagina exploded.  Kimmie Gibbler and Stephanie are like, “go do your job, we’ll handle shit around here.”

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DJ’s oldest kid tries to convince the middle kid to share a room with the baby instead of him and it almost works out until the baby takes a big shit in his diaper.

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Uncle Jesse walks into the kitchen and the whole audience simultaneously ejaculates.  I think they’d probably be less excited about his arrival if he wasn’t interrupting a scene featuring Stephanie and DJ’s oldest son, who are a couple of fucking duds onscreen.  Jesse says that he came back to the full house because he forgot his guitar and then the oldest kid bitches to him about having to share a room with his brother who won’t stop shouting all the time.  Jesse advises him to hug it out, and adds that they used to do that every day in the 80’s, which was sometimes so sweet hat you could hear violin music because ha ha remember how the old show was just like that?  As if that wasn’t enough of a wink to the audience, he starts chomping down some fried chicken like 2 seconds later.

Stephanie tries to overhaul Jesse’s glib very-special-talk by describing one of the first episodes of the original series (I think it was the second episode, just like this one is for this new series… I wonder if they’re going to continue to structure the episodes of this new show after original series episodes like this), in which DJ got all pissed about having to share a room with Stephanie and tried to run away.  Stephanie says that they managed to patch things up and then DJ’s oldest son says that he’s gonna go upstairs to work things out with his sibling, too.  After he leaves, Stephanie and Jesse jerks themselves off over what great legal guardians they are as DJ’s oldest son sneaks out of the house in the background.  Also, Jesse and Stephanie say each other’s catch phrases, which pretty well encapsulates everything that’s wrong with this series.

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Kimmie Gibbler teaches Stephanie how to change the baby’s diaper.  Stephanie recalls changing Michelle’s diapers and says that she had to do it so much that it was almost like there were 2 of her because ha ha remember how there were 2 ugly babies that played Michelle?  I’m sure a lot of you wouldn’t have gotten that if I hadn’t pointed it out.  I wonder if this Tommy kid is gonna grow up to be a talentless emaciated billionaire, too.  Stephanie hears her phone ringing and realizes that she left it in the baby’s diaper and then, instead of just pulling it out like a sensible human being, she holds the baby’s ass up to her ear and proceeds to have an entire phone conversation with DJ.  As forced and ridiculous as this was, I did kind of like it when the baby farted in her ear.

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Jesse drives through the grapevine and sings along to Elvis because I guess he hasn’t expanded his repertoire at all in the last 20 years.  While he’s doing this, we see that DJ’s oldest son has stowed away in the back seat, which Jesse probably would have noticed if he gave one shit about anything.

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Jesse calls Becky through the dashboard phone thing and serenades her with Elvis songs, which she must be so fucking sick of by this point that I can’t even imagine it.  DJ’s oldest son gets understandably fed up with Jesse’s singing and interjects, revealing his presence.  Jesse’s like, “what the fuck are you doing in my car?” and DJ’s oldest kid explains that he’s hella mad about all the changes in the full house, especially since it’s like mostly broads now.  Jesse empathizes about the struggles of living with women, then he starts rambling about how shitty Becky’s cooking is and then it turns out that their whole conversation was left on her answering machine.  Oops!  Anyway, Jesse tells the kid to text his mom where he’s at and then turns the car around to take him home.

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Kimmie Gibbler and Stephanie hang out with the kids in the kitchen, drinking what I thought were margaritas in a refreshingly not-G-rated moment, but then I noticed that the kids are drinking them, too, so it’s probably just like juice or some shit.  DJ comes home after getting the text from her son about how he fled to Southern California and rails on her new co-parents for being such fuck ups.  I guess she got to leave work after getting the text even though she was called in for an emergency, or maybe she just finished reconstructing that pig’s vagina.  It makes sense that Stephanie would be totally useless here but I’m kind of confused about Kimmie Gibbler’s incompetence.  She’s also a single mom, so it seems like she’d have a few things figured out.  That’s a fundamental difference between this series and the original, which featured 2 completely hapless adult men stumbling through their attempts to help a single parent raise kids, whereas one of the adult helpers on this show is actually arriving with some experience.  I guess it would be less wacky and hilarious for her to be portrayed as competent, though, so we’ll still see situations like this, where the her severe negligence and ineptitude is played for laughs.

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Jesse comes back to the full house with DJ’s oldest son and then DJ calls everyone into the living room for a family meeting.  Stephanie downs her juice before leaving the kitchen so maybe it is supposed to be booze?  Maybe the kids were supposed to be drinking a no-booze version of it, then?  It kind of feels like there’s 10 seconds missing that would contextualize these margaritas.  Stephanie and Jesse share a moment where they reminisce about the original series some more, harkening back to what a fuck up he was (not that this has changed at all) and then, right before he heads out, he gets a text from Becky that’s like, “I got your message that recorded you talking shit about me to DJ’s boring kid and you can go fuck yourself.”

DJ leads a family discussion where she asks her oldest son what the fuck he was thinking when he stowed away in his greasy uncles car.  DJ’s oldest son says that shit’s been hella hard since his dad died.  Moving into in a giant house for rich people has been a really challenging life change.  DJ tells him that she used to have to share a room with Stephanie and, even though it sucked dick, they’re like all close and shit now so maybe in the long run it’ll be for the best if they build that relationship, like if his wife dies when he grows up, which seems to be a tradition with this family for some reason.  Kimmie Gibbler also consoles Ramona even though she’s just sitting there and doesn’t even seem upset.

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Everyone agrees to try their best to adjust to being a part of this terrible new tv show and then they all hug as the audience goes “aww” and cheesy music plays and then Jesse comes back in and smiles and winks at the audience about how they’re all hugging and cheesy music is playing because I guess it’s supposed to be more palatable if they pretend that they’re above all that now.  Way to have your cake and eat it, too, Fuller House.

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