Hey, remember that hideous baby from the late 80’s? Just in case her horrifying visage isn’t already burned into your mind’s eye for all time, let’s start this horrible throwback series with an alarming close up of her.
Oh, I get it. This is the original opening from Full House. I wonder how that’s gonna lead into this show?
Oh, they just played like 10 seconds of it and then, in an inspired piece of editing, cut to this screen that says, “29 years later”. Well, it’s not like I wanted to know what happened within that 29 years anyway.
Danny emerges from the bowels of the netherwold to greet Tommy, who is the new token baby on the show, apparently. Gotta have a baby on this show. Bog Saget looks all puffy and he can’t seem to be b0thered to stay in character. He has this really odd presence like he just can’t believe that he’s doing this again and he kinds of wants everyone to know it.
Then John Stamos shows up! He’s aged about 5 minutes since this series ended. He doesn’t looks puffy at all. I guess that’s one of the perks of selling your soul to the devil. He also has a smarmy, overly-self-conscious presence, but he’s just so darn charming!
Jesse bought the baby an Elvis onesie because that’s the only thing he could have possible done for the baby and then Joey surfaces, destroying any mild “this isn’t really all that bad” feelings I may have been trying to convince myself of.
Sparing not one second, Joey launches into his Bullwinkle impression, because you motherfuckers just couldn’t wait to see it, could you? He then starts sparring with the Elvis suit baby and then Jesse uses the baby to hit him in the nuts. What?!!?
Well, I guess I can’t complain, since he did get hit in the nuts and all. The only time Joey is tolerable on screen is when he’s getting hurt. Remember when he got hit with that coconut? That was the only second that I ever liked looking at him.
Next, Jesse starts making the baby do Elvis dances on the counter. He’s really manhandling that baby! But nevermind that, here’s Aunt Becky!
Oh yeah I forgot to mention that the audience really whoops it up whenever anyone makes an entrance. I’m willing to give this the benefit of the doubt by assuming that those are real people hooting and laughing, not just some buttons on a sound board. If people are terrible and stupid enough to want this fucking thing to exist then there must be plenty who would show up to a live screening and hoot and laugh like a bunch of rubes. Anyway, Aunt Becky looks fly as fuck, and she immediately starts talking to Jesse about how firm her ass is and then they start making out. Remember that dream sequence set in the future where all these guys still lived together and Rebecca Donaldson had a big huge ass? I’m kinda disappointed that her ass is not gigantic after all, but I guess it could still happen later. Gotta keep those dreams for the future alive.
DJ comes in, inspiring lots of audience hooting, and kisses everyone. Danny says that he wants more kissing so Joey plants one on him and it is delightfully G-rated and homoerotic at the same time. As you may recall, the universe that full house is set in contains no real gay people, and two men sharing affection is just a hilarious, absurd idea. The hardest part about watching this moment is that Joey did not get hit in the nuts.
Gradually, we start to catch up with the characters a little bit. Becky and Jesse actually moved out at some point and are only back at the full house for a visit. Becky and Danny are getting ready to move to L.A. to host a new show, “Wake Up, U.S.A.” because I guess that the amateurish mess that was “Wake Up, San Francisco” was such a hit that someone has decided to give it’s elderly hosts (well, actually, I guess that Aunt Becky is pretty ageless…) a national upgrade. Sure, why not?
Because other people are talking about themselves and not him, Jesse cuts in with a statement about his new job. At this point I must point out how unnatural all of this exposition is. Like, everyone there would already know about Jesse’s job. They sort of half-assedly set up the explanation about the “Wake Up, U.S.A.” thing, but in Jesse’s case he just chimes in with information that everyone would definitely already have. Anyway, his news is that he’s doing the music for General Hospital (is that still on?) then he makes a meta-comment about how that show hires the best actors (because he used to be on it, if that wasn’t blatantly obvious). Man, this show is pretty desperately self-referential. Also, I’m pretty shocked that Jesse’s got an actual job. I thought his job was just going to be givin’ it up to Aunt Becky (which must be nice work if you can get it).
Stephanie walks in and the audience seems pretty fully committed at this point so they give her a courtesy whoo. You can tell that they don’t mean it. She says that she just got in from England and she’s doing this fakey British accent for some reason. I can’t even tell what the joke is supposed to be here.
Stephanie asks where Michelle is and then Danny Bob Saget makes the 10th meta-reference in the last 3 minutes by saying that she couldn’t make it because she’s in New York running her fashion empire, and then the whole cast does a straight up 4th wall break by just staring straight at the camera for like a full minute. I don’t think they’ve ever done a 4th wall break before, but I gotta admit that I thought that this was pretty alright. Seeing as how the Olsen’s appearance, or lack thereof, on this series was such a topic of discussion leading up to the release, I think that this was actually a pretty decent way to address it. I mean, it’s nothing great or anything, but by Full House standards this is fucking genius.
Stephanie starts asking Joey about his career as a shitty Las Vegas comedian (a believable outcome for him, except for the part where he says that he’s “kicking Carrot Tops butt.” Carrot Top actually makes mad bank, you guys. He is the true king of terrible comedians.) and she’s still talking in that phony baloney British accent. But why? I thought it was just a throwaway gag for one line, but she keeps doing it. How long is this going to go on for? I really don’t like it.
Jesse comes in with Nicky and Alex, who I wouldn’t have even thought about for one second if they’d never been mentioned. Wouldn’t it be funny if they still just spoke in broken gibberish? Well, that ends up not being too far from the truth. To be fair, these guys were put on tv when they were babies and I don’t think they’ve done anything since, so they shouldn’t be expected to have any acting chops (not that this ever harmed the Olsen twins’ careers, or anyone else on this show, for that matter…) but in that case, why bring them back on the show at all?
They sit down to eat breakfast and Jesse talks for a long time about how good he looks and then, just when I thought I could take this no longer, a beacon of light appeared.
Kimmie Gibbler, y’all. If she was the only returning character, this show could actually be pretty good, but I guess she’s saddled with these fucks forever for some reason. Why can’t she just have her own show? I would watch it without making shitty comments the whole time, even. She makes a drug reference and then immediately reassures the wholesome family audience that she never actually did any drugs, which is extra dumb because Kimmie Gibbler is totally the kind of person who drops hella acid in college. I gotta say, Andrea Barber is really jumping right back into playing Kimmie Gibbler here. She’s the only person on set who’s got actual energy in her performance. No one seems like they’re having a bad time, but no one besides Kimme Gibbler is really bringing it, either.
Kimmie Gibbler is an event planner now so she’s back at the full house to help with Danny’s going away party, since he’s gonna sell the full house when he moves to L.A. Stephanie keeps talking in that fucking British accent that’s so terrible that even the other characters on the show hate it (these are people that actually enjoy Joey’s cartoon character impressions) and we learn that she’s a DJ that goes by the name DJ Tanner. DJ is bothered by this because that’s her name (which isn’t the worst joke ever) and you have to kind of wonder how DJ is just now learning about this. Are we supposed to think that none of these characters have been in touch for years, or what?
DJ’s 2 kids come downstairs and… I don’t know what to say about them. They have brown hair. We learn that DJ has been living in the full house with Danny and her unremarkable kids for the past year but she feels confident that she’s found a nice new house for her family which she better hurry up and movie into if Danny’s going away party is tonight.
Kimmie Gibbler takes her shoes off and puts her feet up on the breakfast table and then, double-dipping on nostalgic references, Stephanie says, “how rude” and the audience loses their fucking minds. It’s almost like they thought that there was a chance that she wasn’t going to say that. Anyway, for some reason Kimmie Gibbler’s feet stank makes Stephanie stop talking in that fake accent and I’m not even going to question the logic of it because I’m so pleased with the result. I mean, it would be better if Stephanie had suddenly dropped dead instead, but I’m trying to have realistic expectations here.
All of a sudden an opening credits sequence starts up. Wait, all that was the pre-credits gag? That was like 6 minutes long. Aw, fuck, this episode goes on for 36 minutes! That’s almost twice the length of the old episodes. I shoulda just faded away into internet obscurity instead of announcing that I was gonna review the new show so I could bask in semi-obscurity instead. What can I say? Going on some morning radio show like once a year as the weirdo that wrote angry reviews of every episode of Full House is a hard lifestyle to let go of. I’m in it not so much for the glamour as the prestige.
The opening features a cover of the old theme song by Carly Rae Jepsen, who probably wasn’t born yet when Full House aired its finale. I liked that Call Me Maybe song and everything, but you’re dead to me now, Carly Rae. It also features a time lapse montage of all the characters, and seems to confirm my worst fear that this show is just gonna be all about DJ and her boring kids and all the dads will only show up occasionally. I know that I hate those guys and everything but at least they leave an impression. I’m willing to bet that DJ’s family is just completely uninteresting. I’d rather eat a bowl of nails than flavorless mush, especially if I’m gonna have to write about it later.
I always wonder what Joey is talking about during that opening footage. My guess is he’s like, “so then she told me that she didn’t want a second date because I wouldn’t stop doing impressions of cartoon characters all the time, then I jerked off in the bushes outside her house.”
We also get a fantastic update to that wonderful shot of Aunt Becky bending over and showing us her ass. She wasn’t kidding when she was talking about how firm it still is!
After the opener, we find Stephanie and DJ in their old room, reminiscing about their insufferable childhoods. “Remember when we were yelling, demanding pieces of shit all the time? Remember when we stopped that little league game so we could talk about our feelings? Ha ha, fuck everyone else who was there.” Several jokes about Stephanie’s big titties are made but there is no mention of how obviously fake they are. We learn that DJ’s husband died, “doing what he loved,” which I assumed meant that he died of autoerotic asphyxiation but apparently he was a fireman who died in the line of duty. I bet that he really just bailed on her after meeting her Uncle Joey. Who wouldn’t? I know that firemen are real life heroes and everything but nobody is brave enough to put up with that shit.
We also learn that Stephanie is some sort of globe trotting DJ/performer, which kind of makes sense. I’m not suggesting that she has any talent, just observing that she comes from a family of mediocre performers who seem to be constantly rewarded and showered with praise and success. Why should she be any different? Thanks, nepotism.
Stephanie holds the baby and then makes a bunch of uncomfortable jokes about how he’s eyeing her big ol’ titties. She tells him that, “this Dairy Queen is closed,” which I assume to mean that they severed her milk ducts when she got those implants.
The two sisters reminisce about a scene that I’m pretty sure is from the first episode of the original series, and then the dads all come in and they do a jokey run-through of the standard make-up-at-the-end-of-an-episode routine. DJ and Stephanie exit the scene, leaving Danny alone with Joey and Jesse, who he thanks for all of the sacrifices they made to help him raise his kids. What sacrifices? Those motherfuckers were completely incompetent and total mooches. They’d probably both be dead by now if Danny hadn’t taken them in. This would be a way better scene if they were apologizing to him instead.
They all hug and then the baby gets upset. Joey says he’ll handle it so Danny and Jesse leave him alone to subject that poor child to Mr. Woodchuck. That puppet looks a lot bigger than I remember.
The baby seems pretty terrified, and not for nothing if you ask me. You’re doomed, kid. You may grow up to be incredibly successful at whatever method of entertainment you put half your ass into, but you’ll also be surrounded by complete assholes for the rest of your life, and they will never stop hugging you.
Downstairs, at the party, Danny is approached by his wife, who refers to him as, “the sexiest man alive.” One thing about writing for the internet is that you can write one sentence and then go get in the shower, scrub your skin until it bleeds and then rock back and forth in a fetal position for several hours before writing another sentence but your audience will never know it. It’s just two sentences to them. So who’s this wife all of a sudden? Does she live at the full house? How come she wasn’t there when they were all having breakfast?
Jesse and Becky do a spit take when their worthless idiot sons say they want to move back in with them and then DJ’s younger son prances onto the scene to clean it up. How come no one ever rushed to clean it up when Joey would spit all over everything? So I guess that one of DJ’s younger son’s defining characteristics is that he’s really into cleaning, which makes him get along real well with Danny. Man, I knew that these new characters were going to be defined by an extremely limited range of behaviors and interests just like the original cast were, but I never imagined that they’d just recycle their old characteristics. The lack of thought and effort here is almost impressive.
DJ answers the door and we are introduced to Ramona, who is Kimmie Gibbler’s kid. We also meet Kimmie Gibbler’s ex-husband, Fernando, who is a flagrant Latin stereotype.
My assumption was that they’d keep the cast %100 white, as is their tradition, but I should have guessed that they might include some deeply stereotypical ethnic characters for the sake of diversity. Danny’s wife is also vaguely ethnic, but I don’t think she even has a name so I’m not sure if she counts.
Fernando apparently used to cheat on Kimmie Gibbler all the time, as Latin lovar’s are known to do, but now he hella wants her back. The rest of the cast is confused and perturbed by his burning desire for her, but that’s because they’re all a bunch of duds in the sack. I’ve always assumed that Kimmie Gibbler would be a freak between the sheets but now that Fernando has declared it, it is cannon. Also, I just wanted to ad that, for reasons I can’t quite put into words just yet, it totally makes sense that this guy is Kimmie Gibbler’s baby daddy.
Abruptly, Stephanie plays a meta-referential (if you took a shot for every throwback moment while you watched this, you would be dead by now. And if you’re still conscious for this next part, you’ll wish you were dead.) “90’s throwback,” that New Kids on the Block not-at-all-timeless classic, “The Right Stuff,” and then everyone launches into a choreographed dance.
This is the part of the show where I felt like I was actually going crazy. It also encapsulated everything that this show means to me. Fuller House is definitely a 90’s throwback, but I wouldn’t call it nostalgia. Nostalgia is a sentimental look at the past, but this is more of a sobering reflection. This isn’t like remembering getting a Super Nintendo for your birthday or hitting the winning home run in a little league game, it’s that time your parents got divorced or when you shit your pants at school and then everyone called you “shit pants” for the next 5 years. This isn’t your first kiss, it’s your first time testing positive for chlamydia. It’s like visiting your racist, abusive grandfather’s grave. Fuller House is a chance to look back at your life and remember everything that went wrong. It’s a deliberation on your squandered potential, and all your unfulfilled hopes and dreams. Remember your childhood? Like, do you really remember it? It was mostly pretty awful, wasn’t it? When you really remember things clearly and truthfully, as they really were, you’ll probably come to realize that you did not have the right stuff after all.
Before I had any time to recover from what I just saw, Steve showed up. He’s hella into the food, as is his defining character trait, and then we learn that he has Comet’s grandchild, who is currently carrying puppies. Oh yeah, did I mention that DJ is a veterinarian on this show? Speaking of DJ, Steve is immediately trying to get all up in her mom jeans. I wonder if they ever did it when they were younger? As I recall, the series ended with them going to the prom together, so if there was any time they ever did it, it was probably then. I bet DJ waited until marriage tho, saving herself for that smoldering fireman.
DJ asks her older son to interact with Ramona at the party and he talks about how they don’t get along. She forces them to socialize and then they pull their phones out, because kids these days, right?
Becky exudes an unhealthy attachment to DJ’s baby and then she makes it pretty clear that she hates her 2 grown kids. I mean, I can’t really blame her, but you’d think that she’d expect her kids to grow up to be a couple of worthless pieces of shit given who their dad is.
DJ starts reflecting on how everyone is leaving after the party and she’s gonna be a single mom again but nobody even reacts, probably because they’re all thinking about themselves. For no reason that I could ever understand, everyone starts prodding Jesse to sing “Forever.” He says that he’s sick of that song and I thought that, just this once, this show would throw me a bone by putting something to rest, but then he sings it anyway.
Just to make it extra unbearable, the whole family sings along, and Stephanie gets a special duet with Jesse. I couldn’t really evaluate her singing voice because I was too distracted by her blaring psychic projection that cried, “for sucks sake, can’t anyone see how talented I am? I can act and sing and dance! Why am I the only person on this show who never got any more work? I got fake titties and I wrote a tell-all book about my drug addiction! What more must I do? Fucking Dave Coulier has a more successful post-Full House career than me! Please please please recognize me, America!”
Oh yeah, I should also mention that a bunch of the O.G. Rippers are looming in the background during all this. They look awful! There are only four of them here but I recall them being a pretty large group before. I’m willing to bet that the rest of them are dead. They sure weren’t too busy with their careers to make an appearance, I can tell you that much!
After the party, DJ and Kimmie Gibbler’s kids have some sort of interaction and I was going to write about it but then in the seconds between me watching it and writing this sentence I forgot what happened. I do remember that one of the kids hit one of the other ones with a garbage bag.
Steve tries even harder to stick it to DJ while he cleans out the refrigerator. His attempt to bag her earlier was not at all subtle, and yet, here we are, watching it all over again. It’s always weird to me when a movie or tv show has a scene that doesn’t move the story forward at all, and it’s even weirder when that scene happens twice. At least this situation gives Steve a new character trait. He used to just be really hungry all the time. Now he’s hungry for not just food, but also DJ’s sweet, sweet puss puss.
DJ seems kind of ambivalent about giving it up to Steve and then he leaves. Maybe she’s saving herself for her next dead husband? Stephanie talks about all exotic locations that she’s going to travel to on her tour and then DJ laments the fact that she is going to be booked solid taking care of her boring kids.
Why would you bother to have a chore chart if you were the only person doing the chores? Just make a list.
Later, Kimmie Gibbler comes over (which is sort of a weird transition, seeing as how she was in the last scene) to follow up with Danny about how well she organized the party. I gotta say, I kind of enjoyed their interplay here. Bob Saget’s weirdly self-conscious performance works best when he’s being a dick to Kimmie Gibbler, because his pissy tone really matches what appears to be his attitude towards being back on the show. Like when he’s all, “what the fuck are you doing here, Kimmie Gibbler?” the intonation is indicative of both his characters attitude and his real-life incredulity about playing Danny Tanner again. You also get a genuine sense that these two actors are enjoying playing off of each other, which is actually fun to watch.
DJ comes in and she’s all stressed and overwhelmed because her baby is sick and her other kids are mundane. Kimmie Gibbler volunteers to lend a hand and then all of a sudden Steve comes on with his dog, who’s in labor.
He’s unsure of what to do and I don’t know how to help a dog that’s in labor, either, but I’m pretty sure that carrying her around in your arms is a bad idea. Danny asks them to take the dog outside to give birth because of the mess even though I distinctly remember that when Comet was born in the full house there was no blood or vaginal mucous whatsoever.
As DJ delivers the puppies in the backyard, her younger kid immediately starts pestering her about keeping one. She’s like, “I don’t have the energy to deal with that shit. Can’t you see that I’m an overworked single mom? That’s like my whole thing now,” but the kid is dedicated to carrying out Full House’s deepest tradition. He doesn’t give a shit about her needs or limitations at all and bombards her with shrill demands instead, proving that he truly belongs in this family.
DJ hears the baby crying on the baby monitor and has to go tend to him, leaving the dog to give birth while a bunch of useless assholes mill around helplessly. As she passes through the kitchen, Jesse sits around eating fried chicken while his wife carries lots of heavy bags, unhelped.
See, it’s shit like this that really disturbs me. Why is it supposed to be a funny joke that he wont help his wife? Someone wrote it down and thought it was funny 20 years ago and it was such a hit that they’re still doing it now. This shit is just baffling to me.
Joey ambles up the basement steps and shows off one of his garish shirts from the old series just to be like, “hey guys, remember this?” and then he says his “Cut. It. Out.” catchphrase. Maybe he should go into the backyard and share his catchphrase with the rest of the family if he wants to help with the dog labor. Actually, I’d kinda like to watch a montage of occasions where Joey’s catchphrase would be helpful… let’s see… at a briss… um… an appendectomy… ok, that’s enough.
DJ continues to be all stressed out so Aunt Becky, who’s finished carrying Jesse’s luggage for him, offers to help out. DJ says that she can handle it herself and then Becky starts begging Jesse for another baby even though she clearly hates the ones they already have. He tells her that it’s too late because they’re both post-menopausal. Actually, he tells her, “That ship has sailed. All semen lost,” which is a much racier joke than we ever saw on the old show.
DJ tries to console her baby while also verbalizing the struggle that she’s going through while the family all listen in on the baby monitor. I have to admit that this is a pretty effective scene. I think it’s mostly because the struggles of a single mom are a really understandable predicament, but also because DJ has always been the only character on this show that seems at all like an actual human being that could exist in real life. It’s interesting to me that she’s ended up being a vet, which, although fairly prestigious, is a somewhat relatable job. The rest of her family can join the %1 just by farting into a microphone so it’s kind of refreshing to see her end up doing something that’s at least feasible to a normal person. I’m also willing to give Candace Cameron credit for her performance here. This moment feels pretty authentic and hits its desired emotional note without being heavy-handed, which is quite an achievement for this show. I actually kind of gave a shit about DJ for like 10 whole seconds.
Everyone else takes in DJ’s plight, partially because they feel bad for her but also because none of them give a shit about her privacy. Also, I bet that only one or two of them has enough empathy to be capable of actually feeling bad for her. You can tell that, while all this is going on, Jesse is remembering how good he looked while he jerked off to himself in the mirror earlier.
DJ comes downstairs to find the whole family waiting for her. Danny offers to quit his new morning show so he can continue to help her with her stupid kids. Becky offers to help, too, since her morning show co-host is quitting on her at the last minute and then Joey offers to move back in so he can continue to be a blight on the household. Jesse, on the other hand, is just like fuck all y’all, I’ma go work on General Hospital. I guess he’s fully transitioned to living off of his wife’s resources and is no longer dependent on Danny and the full house at all.
Stephanie intervenes by telling everyone else that they should continue their plans to escape the full house once and for all and that she should be the one to stick around and help DJ. I wonder if she jumped in here because the thought of more kids having to endure being raised by Joey was just too much for her. Kimmie Gibbler also volunteers to move in to help out and even though this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense from a logical perspective, she’s the only one of these people that I can stand so I’m really glad it happened.
Heartfelt speeches are exchanged and then everyone hugs. Danny offers to let them stay at the full house because it’s not like a bunch of white ladies with high paying jobs should have to pay rent. At least Jesse makes a comment about how they should still sell the house because of what it’s valued at now. That’s no joke.
DJ calls her kids in to tell them that they’re going to be staying at the full house (when were they supposed to be moving out exactly? I don’t really understand what the plan for selling the full house was here… It doesn’t look like Danny is moved out in the slightest. Also, where’s his wife? How does she feel about this decision? Why don’t we have any information about her, and where is she when they’re not having a party?) and Kimmie Gibbler says not to mention it to her daughter for some reason. I guess that’s set-up for the next episode or something. DJ’s younger kid asks if he can have one of the puppies because that’s all that he cares about and DJ’s like, “well, I guess it would be good for the shows marketing campaign if we had a dog, so… ok.” Hey, I just realized that a dog has been giving birth in the backyard while all this has been going on. Why hasn’t anybody mentioned this? As soon as DJ left the dog to go check on her baby everyone else just completely forgot about it.
The baby starts crying and everyone surrounds him so they can sing the Flintstones theme, which is how the first episode of the original series ended, too. The show assumes that you wont remember this tv moment that you’re actually cursed with having burned into your mind forever so they do a split screen of both sequences.
And that’s the end of the first episode. Phew!
Well, I guess that was about what I expected. It brought back a lot of painful memories but it also looked pretty good in HD. I’m guessing that there’ll be a lot less to say about upcoming episodes as this show becomes more focused on DJ and her boring kids.
A couple of notes before I hit the road:
It’s really weird to be writing about Full House again. I definitely never thought I’d be back at this. It feels especially strange since this is a new show now, whereas before I was writing about stuff that was over a decade old. The fact that there are a lot of sites that are currently writing about the same show as me is definitely a new thing to deal with. I’ve been avoiding the other reviews so I can come at this without any outside influence. It’s for that same reason that I would like to politely request that people don’t write about upcoming episodes in the comments (or to send me private messages, or post on the Facebook page, etc.). I know that people are going to do it anyway but I thought I’d at least ask.
One final thing I thought I’d mention is that they’ve already announced a second Season of this show. For reals? I don’t know how to deal with that information. I decided to review Fuller House because it seemed like a fun way to revisit this blog and there were only going to be 13 episodes. Having only watched this first one, I was already kind of regretting taking on this new series, but now that I know that there’s going to be even more of it down the road I feel like I really fucked myself over. I’m definitely on board for this first Season and then we’ll see after that. For now, it’s fun to be back. I sure missed all you weirdos! I’ll be here next week to find out how shit goes down in the newly established full house. Until then, feel free (or even pressured to) check out my weekly Saved By the Bell Reviewed Podcast. My hilarious co-hosts and I are currently reviewing the college years, which is like the Saved By the Bell equivalent of Fuller House. I’m not sure if that’s an incentive or not.
I love all you guys like you were my very own shitty, self-centered family.