Fuller House Episode 1, “Our Very First Show, Again”

Hey, remember that hideous baby from the late 80’s?  Just in case her horrifying visage isn’t already burned into your mind’s eye for all time, let’s start this horrible throwback series with an alarming close up of her.

Screen shot 2016-02-26 at 1.49.05 AM

Oh, I get it.  This is the original opening from Full House.  I wonder how that’s gonna lead into this show?

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 1.48.24 AM.png

Oh, they just played like 10 seconds of it and then, in an inspired piece of editing, cut to this screen that says, “29 years later”.  Well, it’s not like I wanted to know what happened within that 29 years anyway.

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 1.50.19 AM.png

Danny emerges from the bowels of the netherwold to greet Tommy, who is the new token baby on the show, apparently.  Gotta have a baby on this show.  Bog Saget looks all puffy and he can’t seem to be b0thered to stay in character.  He has this really odd presence like he just can’t believe that he’s doing this again and he kinds of wants everyone to know it.

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 1.50.38 AM.png

Then John Stamos shows up!  He’s aged about 5 minutes since this series ended.  He doesn’t looks puffy at all.  I guess that’s one of the perks of selling your soul to the devil.  He also has a smarmy, overly-self-conscious presence, but he’s just so darn charming!

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 1.50.36 AM

Jesse bought the baby an Elvis onesie because that’s the only thing he could have possible done for the baby and then Joey surfaces, destroying any mild “this isn’t really all that bad” feelings I may have been trying to convince myself of.

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 1.55.07 AM.png

Sparing not one second, Joey launches into his Bullwinkle impression, because you motherfuckers just couldn’t wait to see it, could you?  He then starts sparring with the Elvis suit baby and then Jesse uses the baby to hit him in the nuts.  What?!!?

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 1.55.18 AM.png

Well, I guess I can’t complain, since he did get hit in the nuts and all.  The only time Joey is tolerable on screen is when he’s getting hurt.  Remember when he got hit with that coconut?  That was the only second that I ever liked looking at him.

Next, Jesse starts making the baby do Elvis dances on the counter.  He’s really manhandling that baby!  But nevermind that, here’s Aunt Becky!

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 2.00.25 AM.png

Oh yeah I forgot to mention that the audience really whoops it up whenever anyone makes an entrance.  I’m willing to give this the benefit of the doubt by assuming that those are real people hooting and laughing, not just some buttons on a sound board.  If people are terrible and stupid enough to want this fucking thing to exist then there must be plenty who would show up to a live screening and hoot and laugh like a bunch of rubes.  Anyway, Aunt Becky looks fly as fuck, and she immediately starts talking to Jesse about how firm her ass is and then they start making out.  Remember that dream sequence set in the future where all these guys still lived together and Rebecca Donaldson had a big huge ass?  I’m kinda disappointed that her ass is not gigantic after all, but I guess it could still happen later.  Gotta keep those dreams for the future alive.

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 2.04.05 AM.png

DJ comes in, inspiring lots of audience hooting, and kisses everyone.  Danny says that he wants more kissing so Joey plants one on him and it is delightfully G-rated and homoerotic at the same time.  As you may recall, the universe that full house is set in contains no real gay people, and two men sharing affection is just a hilarious, absurd idea.  The hardest part about watching this moment is that Joey did not get hit in the nuts.

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 2.04.19 AM.png

Gradually, we start to catch up with the characters a little bit.  Becky and Jesse actually moved out at some point and are only back at the full house for a visit.  Becky and Danny are getting ready to move to L.A. to host a new show, “Wake Up, U.S.A.” because I guess that the amateurish mess that was “Wake Up, San Francisco” was such a hit that someone has decided to give it’s elderly hosts (well, actually, I guess that Aunt Becky is pretty ageless…) a national upgrade.  Sure, why not?

Because other people are talking about themselves and not him, Jesse cuts in with a statement about his new job.  At this point I must point out how unnatural all of this exposition is.  Like, everyone there would already know about Jesse’s job.  They sort of half-assedly set up the explanation about the “Wake Up, U.S.A.” thing, but in Jesse’s case he just chimes in with information that everyone would definitely already have.  Anyway, his news is that he’s doing the music for General Hospital (is that still on?) then he makes a meta-comment about how that show hires the best actors (because he used to be on it, if that wasn’t blatantly obvious).  Man, this show is pretty desperately self-referential.  Also, I’m pretty shocked that Jesse’s got an actual job.  I thought his job was just going to be givin’ it up to Aunt Becky (which must be nice work if you can get it).

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 2.12.48 AM.png

Stephanie walks in and the audience seems pretty fully committed at this point so they give her a courtesy whoo.  You can tell that they don’t mean it.  She says that she just got in from England and she’s doing this fakey British accent for some reason.  I can’t even tell what the joke is supposed to be here.

Stephanie asks where Michelle is and then Danny Bob Saget makes the 10th meta-reference in the last 3 minutes by saying that she couldn’t make it because she’s in New York running her fashion empire, and then the whole cast does a straight up 4th wall break by just staring straight at the camera for like a full minute.  I don’t think they’ve ever done a 4th wall break before, but I gotta admit that I thought that this was pretty alright.  Seeing as how the Olsen’s appearance, or lack thereof, on this series was such a topic of discussion leading up to the release, I think that this was actually a pretty decent way to address it.  I mean, it’s nothing great or anything, but by Full House standards this is fucking genius.

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 2.15.56 AM.png

Stephanie starts asking Joey about his career as a shitty Las Vegas comedian (a believable outcome for him, except for the part where he says that he’s “kicking Carrot Tops butt.”  Carrot Top actually makes mad bank, you guys.  He is the true king of terrible comedians.) and she’s still talking in that phony baloney British accent.  But why?  I thought it was just a throwaway gag for one line, but she keeps doing it.  How long is this going to go on for?  I really don’t like it.

Jesse comes in with Nicky and Alex, who I wouldn’t have even thought about for one second if they’d never been mentioned.  Wouldn’t it be funny if they still just spoke in broken gibberish?  Well, that ends up not being too far from the truth.  To be fair, these guys were put on tv when they were babies and I don’t think they’ve done anything since, so they shouldn’t be expected to have any acting chops (not that this ever harmed the Olsen twins’ careers, or anyone else on this show, for that matter…) but in that case, why bring them back on the show at all?

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 2.20.46 AM.png

They sit down to eat breakfast and Jesse talks for a long time about how good he looks and then, just when I thought I could take this no longer, a beacon of light appeared.

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 2.26.05 AM.png

Kimmie Gibbler, y’all.  If she was the only returning character, this show could actually be pretty good, but I guess she’s saddled with these fucks forever for some reason.  Why can’t she just have her own show?  I would watch it without making shitty comments the whole time, even.  She makes a drug reference and then immediately reassures the wholesome family audience that she never actually did any drugs, which is extra dumb because Kimmie Gibbler is totally the kind of person who drops hella acid in college.  I gotta say, Andrea Barber is really jumping right back into playing Kimmie Gibbler here.  She’s the only person on set who’s got actual energy in her performance.  No one seems like they’re having a bad time, but no one besides Kimme Gibbler is really bringing it, either.

Kimmie Gibbler is an event planner now so she’s back at the full house to help with Danny’s going away party, since he’s gonna sell the full house when he moves to L.A.  Stephanie keeps talking in that fucking British accent that’s so terrible that even the other characters on the show hate it (these are people that actually enjoy Joey’s cartoon character impressions) and we learn that she’s a DJ that goes by the name DJ Tanner.  DJ is bothered by this because that’s her name (which isn’t the worst joke ever) and you have to kind of wonder how DJ is just now learning about this.  Are we supposed to think that none of these characters have been in touch for years, or what?

DJ’s 2 kids come downstairs and… I don’t know what to say about them.  They have brown hair.  We learn that DJ has been living in the full house with Danny and her unremarkable kids for the past year but she feels confident that she’s found a nice new house for her family which she better hurry up and movie into if Danny’s going away party is tonight.

Screen shot 2016-02-29 at 2.37.26 AM.png

Kimmie Gibbler takes her shoes off and puts her feet up on the breakfast table and then, double-dipping on nostalgic references, Stephanie says, “how rude” and the audience loses their fucking minds.  It’s almost like they thought that there was a chance that she wasn’t going to say that.  Anyway, for some reason Kimmie Gibbler’s feet stank makes Stephanie stop talking in that fake accent and I’m not even going to question the logic of it because I’m so pleased with the result.  I mean, it would be better if Stephanie had suddenly dropped dead instead, but I’m trying to have realistic expectations here.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 1.49.45 AM.png

All of a sudden an opening credits sequence starts up.  Wait, all that was the pre-credits gag?  That was like 6 minutes long.  Aw, fuck, this episode goes on for 36 minutes!  That’s almost twice the length of the old episodes.  I shoulda just faded away into internet obscurity instead of announcing that I was gonna review the new show so I could bask in semi-obscurity instead.  What can I say?  Going on some morning radio show like once a year as the weirdo that wrote angry reviews of every episode of Full House is a hard lifestyle to let go of.  I’m in it not so much for the glamour as the prestige.

The opening features a cover of the old theme song by Carly Rae Jepsen, who probably wasn’t born yet when Full House aired its finale.  I liked that Call Me Maybe song and everything, but you’re dead to me now, Carly Rae.  It also features a time lapse montage of all the characters, and seems to confirm my worst fear that this show is just gonna be all about DJ and her boring kids and all the dads will only show up occasionally.  I know that I hate those guys and everything but at least they leave an impression.  I’m willing to bet that DJ’s family is just completely uninteresting.  I’d rather eat a bowl of nails than flavorless mush, especially if I’m gonna have to write about it later.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 1.50.31 AM.png

I always wonder what Joey is talking about during that opening footage.  My guess is he’s like, “so then she told me that she didn’t want a second date because I wouldn’t stop doing impressions of cartoon characters all the time, then I jerked off in the bushes outside her house.”

We also get a fantastic update to that wonderful shot of Aunt Becky bending over and showing us her ass.  She wasn’t kidding when she was talking about how firm it still is!

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 1.50.34 AM.png

After the opener, we find Stephanie and DJ in their old room, reminiscing about their insufferable childhoods.  “Remember when we were yelling, demanding pieces of shit all the time?  Remember when we stopped that little league game so we could talk about our feelings?  Ha ha, fuck everyone else who was there.”  Several jokes about Stephanie’s big titties are made but there is no mention of how obviously fake they are.  We learn that DJ’s husband died, “doing what he loved,” which I assumed meant that he died of autoerotic asphyxiation but apparently he was a fireman who died in the line of duty.  I bet that he really just bailed on her after meeting her Uncle Joey.  Who wouldn’t?  I know that firemen are real life heroes and everything but nobody is brave enough to put up with that shit.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 2.00.11 AM.png

We also learn that Stephanie is some sort of globe trotting DJ/performer, which kind of makes sense.  I’m not suggesting that she has any talent, just observing that she comes from a family of mediocre performers who seem to be constantly rewarded and showered with praise and success.  Why should she be any different?  Thanks, nepotism.

Stephanie holds the baby and then makes a bunch of uncomfortable jokes about how he’s eyeing her big ol’ titties.  She tells him that, “this Dairy Queen is closed,” which I assume to mean that they severed her milk ducts when she got those implants.

The two sisters reminisce about a scene that I’m pretty sure is from the first episode of the original series, and then the dads all come in and they do a jokey run-through of the standard make-up-at-the-end-of-an-episode routine.  DJ and Stephanie exit the scene, leaving Danny alone with Joey and Jesse, who he thanks for all of the sacrifices they made to help him raise his kids.  What sacrifices?  Those motherfuckers were completely incompetent and total mooches.  They’d probably both be dead by now if Danny hadn’t taken them in.  This would be a way better scene if they were apologizing to him instead.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 2.09.51 AM.png

They all hug and then the baby gets upset.  Joey says he’ll handle it so Danny and Jesse leave him alone to subject that poor child to Mr. Woodchuck.  That puppet looks a lot bigger than I remember.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 2.13.52 AM.png

The baby seems pretty terrified, and not for nothing if you ask me. You’re doomed, kid.  You may grow up to be incredibly successful at whatever method of entertainment you put half your ass into, but you’ll also be surrounded by complete assholes for the rest of your life, and they will never stop hugging you.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 2.14.12 AM.png

Downstairs, at the party, Danny is approached by his wife, who refers to him as, “the sexiest man alive.”  One thing about writing for the internet is that you can write one sentence and then go get in the shower, scrub your skin until it bleeds and then rock back and forth in a fetal position for several hours before writing another sentence but your audience will never know it.  It’s just two sentences to them.  So who’s this wife all of a sudden?  Does she live at the full house?  How come she wasn’t there when they were all having breakfast?

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 2.17.12 AM.png

Jesse and Becky do a spit take when their worthless idiot sons say they want to move back in with them and then DJ’s younger son prances onto the scene to clean it up.  How come no one ever rushed to clean it up when Joey would spit all over everything?  So I guess that one of DJ’s younger son’s defining characteristics is that he’s really into cleaning, which makes him get along real well with Danny.  Man, I knew that these new characters were going to be defined by an extremely limited range of behaviors and interests just like the original cast were, but I never imagined that they’d just recycle their old characteristics.  The lack of thought and effort here is almost impressive.

DJ answers the door and we are introduced to Ramona, who is Kimmie Gibbler’s kid.  We also meet Kimmie Gibbler’s ex-husband, Fernando, who is a flagrant Latin stereotype.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 6.27.23 PM.png

My assumption was that they’d keep the cast %100 white, as is their tradition, but I should have guessed that they might include some deeply stereotypical ethnic characters for the sake of diversity.  Danny’s wife is also vaguely ethnic, but I don’t think she even has a name so I’m not sure if she counts.

Fernando apparently used to cheat on Kimmie Gibbler all the time, as Latin lovar’s are known to do, but now he hella wants her back.  The rest of the cast is confused and perturbed by his burning desire for her, but that’s because they’re all a bunch of duds in the sack.  I’ve always assumed that Kimmie Gibbler would be a freak between the sheets but now that Fernando has declared it, it is cannon.  Also, I just wanted to ad that, for reasons I can’t quite put into words just yet, it totally makes sense that this guy is Kimmie Gibbler’s baby daddy.

Abruptly, Stephanie plays a meta-referential (if you took a shot for every throwback moment while you watched this, you would be dead by now.  And if you’re still conscious for this next part, you’ll wish you were dead.) “90’s throwback,” that New Kids on the Block not-at-all-timeless classic, “The Right Stuff,” and then everyone launches into a choreographed dance.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 6.49.26 PM.png

This is the part of the show where I felt like I was actually going crazy.  It also encapsulated everything that this show means to me.  Fuller House is definitely a 90’s throwback, but I wouldn’t call it nostalgia.  Nostalgia is a sentimental look at the past, but this is more of a sobering reflection.  This isn’t like remembering getting a Super Nintendo for your birthday or hitting the winning home run in a little league game, it’s that time your parents got divorced or when you shit your pants at school and then everyone called you “shit pants” for the next 5 years.  This isn’t your first kiss, it’s your first time testing positive for chlamydia.  It’s like visiting your racist, abusive grandfather’s grave.  Fuller House is a chance to look back at your life and remember everything that went wrong.  It’s a deliberation on your squandered potential, and all your unfulfilled hopes and dreams.  Remember your childhood?  Like, do you really remember it?  It was mostly pretty awful, wasn’t it?  When you really remember things clearly and truthfully, as they really were, you’ll probably come to realize that you did not have the right stuff after all.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 7.05.28 PM 1.png

Before I had any time to recover from what I just saw, Steve showed up.  He’s hella into the food, as is his defining character trait, and then we learn that he has Comet’s grandchild, who is currently carrying puppies.  Oh yeah, did I mention that DJ is a veterinarian on this show?  Speaking of DJ, Steve is immediately trying to get all up in her mom jeans.  I wonder if they ever did it when they were younger?  As I recall, the series ended with them going to the prom together, so if there was any time they ever did it, it was probably then.  I bet DJ waited until marriage tho, saving herself for that smoldering fireman.

DJ asks her older son to interact with Ramona at the party and he talks about how they don’t get along.  She forces them to socialize and then they pull their phones out, because kids these days, right?

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 7.11.35 PM.png

Becky exudes an unhealthy attachment to DJ’s baby and then she makes it pretty clear that she hates her 2 grown kids.  I mean, I can’t really blame her, but you’d think that she’d expect her kids to grow up to be a couple of worthless pieces of shit given who their dad is.

DJ starts reflecting on how everyone is leaving after the party and she’s gonna be a single mom again but nobody even reacts, probably because they’re all thinking about themselves.  For no reason that I could ever understand, everyone starts prodding Jesse to sing “Forever.”  He says that he’s sick of that song and I thought that, just this once, this show would throw me a bone by putting something to rest, but then he sings it anyway.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 7.32.28 PM.png

Just to make it extra unbearable, the whole family sings along, and Stephanie gets a special duet with Jesse.  I couldn’t really evaluate her singing voice because I was too distracted by her blaring psychic projection that cried, “for sucks sake, can’t anyone see how talented I am?  I can act and sing and dance!  Why am I the only person on this show who never got any more work?  I got fake titties and I wrote a tell-all book about my drug addiction!  What more must I do?  Fucking Dave Coulier has a more successful post-Full House career than me! Please please please recognize me, America!”

Oh yeah, I should also mention that a bunch of the O.G. Rippers are looming in the background during all this.  They look awful!  There are only four of them here but I recall them being a pretty large group before.  I’m willing to bet that the rest of them are dead.  They sure weren’t too busy with their careers to make an appearance, I can tell you that much!

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 7.15.23 PM.png

After the party, DJ and Kimmie Gibbler’s kids have some sort of interaction and I was going to write about it but then in the seconds between me watching it and writing this sentence I forgot what happened.  I do remember that one of the kids hit one of the other ones with a garbage bag.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 7.41.52 PM.png

Steve tries even harder to stick it to DJ while he cleans out the refrigerator.  His attempt to bag her earlier was not at all subtle, and yet, here we are, watching it all over again.  It’s always weird to me when a movie or tv show has a scene that doesn’t move the story forward at all, and it’s even weirder when that scene happens twice.  At least this situation gives Steve a new character trait.  He used to just be really hungry all the time.  Now he’s hungry for not just food, but also DJ’s sweet, sweet puss puss.

DJ seems kind of ambivalent about giving it up to Steve and then he leaves.  Maybe she’s saving herself for her next dead husband?  Stephanie talks about all exotic locations that she’s going to travel to on her tour and then DJ laments the fact that she is going to be booked solid taking care of her boring kids.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 7.44.25 PM.png

Why would you bother to have a chore chart if you were the only person doing the chores?  Just make a list.

Later, Kimmie Gibbler comes over (which is sort of a weird transition, seeing as how she was in the last scene) to follow up with Danny about how well she organized the party.  I gotta say, I kind of enjoyed their interplay here.  Bob Saget’s weirdly self-conscious performance works best when he’s being a dick to Kimmie Gibbler, because his pissy tone really matches what appears to be his attitude towards being back on the show.  Like when he’s all, “what the fuck are you doing here, Kimmie Gibbler?” the intonation is indicative of both his characters attitude and his real-life incredulity about playing Danny Tanner again.  You also get a genuine sense that these two actors are enjoying playing off of each other, which is actually fun to watch.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 7.50.50 PM.png

DJ comes in and she’s all stressed and overwhelmed because her baby is sick and her other kids are mundane.  Kimmie Gibbler volunteers to lend a hand and then all of a sudden Steve comes on with his dog, who’s in labor.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 7.53.00 PM.png

He’s unsure of what to do and I don’t know how to help a dog that’s in labor, either, but I’m pretty sure that carrying her around in your arms is a bad idea.  Danny asks them to take the dog outside to give birth because of the mess even though I distinctly remember that when Comet was born in the full house there was no blood or vaginal mucous whatsoever.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 7.56.56 PM.png

As DJ delivers the puppies in the backyard, her younger kid immediately starts pestering her about keeping one.  She’s like, “I don’t have the energy to deal with that shit.  Can’t you see that I’m an overworked single mom?  That’s like my whole thing now,” but the kid is dedicated to carrying out Full House’s deepest tradition.  He doesn’t give a shit about her needs or limitations at all and bombards her with shrill demands instead, proving that he truly belongs in this family.

DJ hears the baby crying on the baby monitor and has to go tend to him, leaving the dog to give birth while a bunch of useless assholes mill around helplessly.  As she passes through the kitchen, Jesse sits around eating fried chicken while his wife carries lots of heavy bags, unhelped.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 8.00.34 PM.png

See, it’s shit like this that really disturbs me.  Why is it supposed to be a funny joke that he wont help his wife?  Someone wrote it down and thought it was funny 20 years ago and it was such a hit that they’re still doing it now.  This shit is just baffling to me.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 8.05.25 PM.png

Joey ambles up the basement steps and shows off one of his garish shirts from the old series just to be like, “hey guys, remember this?”  and then he says his “Cut. It. Out.” catchphrase.  Maybe he should go into the backyard and share his catchphrase with the rest of the family if he wants to help with the dog labor.  Actually, I’d kinda like to watch a montage of occasions where Joey’s catchphrase would be helpful… let’s see… at a briss… um… an appendectomy…  ok, that’s enough.

DJ continues to be all stressed out so Aunt Becky, who’s finished carrying Jesse’s luggage for him, offers to help out.  DJ says that she can handle it herself and then Becky starts begging Jesse for another baby even though she clearly hates the ones they already have.  He tells her that it’s too late because they’re both post-menopausal.   Actually, he tells her, “That ship has sailed.  All semen lost,” which is a much racier joke than we ever saw on the old show.

DJ tries to console her baby while also verbalizing the struggle that she’s going through while the family all listen in on the baby monitor.  I have to admit that this is a pretty effective scene.  I think it’s mostly because the struggles of a single mom are a really understandable predicament, but also because DJ has always been the only character on this show that seems at all like an actual human being that could exist in real life.  It’s interesting to me that she’s ended up being a vet, which, although fairly prestigious, is a somewhat relatable job.  The rest of her family can join the %1 just by farting into a microphone so it’s kind of refreshing to see her end up doing something that’s at least feasible to a normal person.  I’m also willing to give Candace Cameron credit for her performance here.  This moment feels pretty authentic and hits its desired emotional note without being heavy-handed, which is quite an achievement for this show.  I actually kind of gave a shit about DJ for like 10 whole seconds.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 8.10.18 PM.png

Everyone else takes in DJ’s plight, partially because they feel bad for her but also because none of them give a shit about her privacy.  Also, I bet that only one or two of them has enough empathy to be capable of actually feeling bad for her.  You can tell that, while all this is going on, Jesse is remembering how good he looked while he jerked off to himself in the mirror earlier.

Screen shot 2016-03-01 at 8.10.49 PM.png

DJ comes downstairs to find the whole family waiting for her.  Danny offers to quit his new morning show so he can continue to help her with her stupid kids.  Becky offers to help, too, since her morning show co-host is quitting on her at the last minute and then Joey offers to move back in so he can continue to be a blight on the household.  Jesse, on the other hand, is just like fuck all y’all, I’ma go work on General Hospital.  I guess he’s fully transitioned to living off of his wife’s resources and is no longer dependent on Danny and the full house at all.

Screen shot 2016-03-02 at 2.56.30 AM

Stephanie intervenes by telling everyone else that they should continue their plans to escape the full house once and for all and that she should be the one to stick around and help DJ.  I wonder if she jumped in here because the thought of more kids having to endure being raised by Joey was just too much for her.  Kimmie Gibbler also volunteers to move in to help out and even though this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense from a logical perspective, she’s the only one of these people that I can stand so I’m really glad it happened.

Screen shot 2016-03-02 at 3.02.19 AM

Heartfelt speeches are exchanged and then everyone hugs.  Danny offers to let them stay at the full house because it’s not like a bunch of white ladies with high paying jobs should have to pay rent.  At least Jesse makes a comment about how they should still sell the house because of what it’s valued at now.  That’s no joke.

DJ calls her kids in to tell them that they’re going to be staying at the full house (when were they supposed to be moving out exactly?  I don’t really understand what the plan for selling the full house was here…  It doesn’t look like Danny is moved out in the slightest.  Also, where’s his wife?  How does she feel about this decision?  Why don’t we have any information about her, and where is she when they’re not having a party?) and Kimmie Gibbler says not to mention it to her daughter for some reason.  I guess that’s set-up for the next episode or something.  DJ’s younger kid asks if he can have one of the puppies because that’s all that he cares about and DJ’s like, “well, I guess it would be good for the shows marketing campaign if we had a dog, so… ok.”  Hey, I just realized that a dog has been giving birth in the backyard while all this has been going on.  Why hasn’t anybody mentioned this?  As soon as DJ left the dog to go check on her baby everyone else just completely forgot about it.

Screen shot 2016-03-02 at 3.12.17 AM

The baby starts crying and everyone surrounds him so they can sing the Flintstones theme, which is how the first episode of the original series ended, too.  The show assumes that you wont remember this tv moment that you’re actually cursed with having burned into your mind forever so they do a split screen of both sequences.

And that’s the end of the first episode.  Phew!

Well, I guess that was about what I expected.  It brought back a lot of painful memories but it also looked pretty good in HD.  I’m guessing that there’ll be a lot less to say about upcoming episodes as this show becomes more focused on DJ and her boring kids.

A couple of notes before I hit the road:

It’s really weird to be writing about Full House again.  I definitely never thought I’d be back at this.  It feels especially strange since this is a new show now, whereas before I was writing about stuff that was over a decade old.  The fact that there are a lot of sites that are currently writing about the same show as me is definitely a new thing to deal with.  I’ve been avoiding the other reviews so I can come at this without any outside influence.  It’s for that same reason that I would like to politely request that people don’t write about upcoming episodes in the comments (or to send me private messages, or post on the Facebook page, etc.).  I know that people are going to do it anyway but I thought I’d at least ask.

One final thing I thought I’d mention is that they’ve already announced a second Season of this show.  For reals?  I don’t know how to deal with that information.  I decided to review Fuller House because it seemed like a fun way to revisit this blog and there were only going to be 13 episodes.  Having only watched this first one, I was already kind of regretting taking on this new series, but now that I know that there’s going to be even more of it down the road I feel like I really fucked myself over.  I’m definitely on board for this first Season and then we’ll see after that.  For now, it’s fun to be back.  I sure missed all you weirdos!  I’ll be here next week to find out how shit goes down in the newly established full house.  Until then, feel free (or even pressured to) check out my weekly Saved By the Bell Reviewed Podcast.  My hilarious co-hosts and I are currently reviewing the college years, which is like the Saved By the Bell equivalent of Fuller House.  I’m not sure if that’s an incentive or not.

I love all you guys like you were my very own shitty, self-centered family.

Advertisements
Posted in Fuller House | 148 Comments

8 Predictions for Fuller House

Why, oh why, is there going to be more Full House? It’s the worst 90’s throwback since the invasion of Iraq.  Never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that there would ever be more of this shit.  And yet, here we all are.

Starting next week, I’ll be reviewing every episode of Fuller House, just like how I reviewed all of the original series except not ten years after the fact.  I thought I ought to write an initial post to get back in the groove and give y’all a heads up that FHR would be coming back (I sure do get asked that a lot, even in comments on posts where I explicitly state that, yes, I will be reviewing Fuller House.  I bet that this post gets at least one comment that asks that) and a look ahead seemed like the best way to get back in the saddle.  At the time that I’m posting this, Fuller House should have just become streamable on Netflix, but I’m happy to say that I haven’t watched it yet.  Maybe this post is really just me holding on to those brief final moments of my life before seeing the Full House revival.  I’m just holding on to this moment, before things get bad again.

It goes without saying that this 20-years-later return to the worst sitcom of all time will be terrible. The question is not about what level of quality we can expect, but rather just what the particularities of the awfulness will be. Here are my speculations about what we should anticipate as we emotionally prepare ourselves for the return of the greatest atrocity in American history:

fuller-house-01

1) It Will Be Bland

Remember that Boy Meet’s World follow-up, Girl Meet’s World? I decided to check it out for the sake of curiosity, and because it was streaming on Netflix. I only made it through one episode, and only managed that because I was reading stuff on my phone the whole time (ironically, the episode was all about the folly of smart phones and how those damn kids these days should be going to the library instead). My point is that, once you work past the initial intrigue or curiosity that’s built into these kinds of throwback shows, there’s usually not much there. Sure, I’m curious to see just how poorly Dave Coulier has aged, but after that 2-second intake, what more will this show have to offer? If I want to see Uncle Joey do his stupid fucking Bullwinkle impression for the ten millionth time, I can just watch an old episode (I mean, I don’t, and I wouldn’t, but I could if I did). A lot of these nostalgia cash-ins seems to be more of a reminder to revisit the old thing rather than an incentive to see what’s currently being made. Unfortunately, most people who will find themselves checking out old episodes of Full House for the first time in a decade will very likely be horrified to realize what a pile of garbage they wasted their youth watching. Full House has aged as poorly as Dave Coulier’s withered mug.

Fuller House will fail to fully establish itself as either Full House Season 29 or as a whole new show. It will be self-referential, but it wont be self-aware enough, it wont update any old ideas (I mean…what ideas?), it wont say or do anything new. It will probably be less obnoxious than the old series, but more hollow as well. That overbearing, confrontational arrogance was pretty much the only stand out quality the original series had. Instead of grating moments that makes you want to tear your hair out, Fuller House will have bland scenes that you wont even remember.

Ultimately, Fuller House will underwhelm, and most people who bother to check it out wont make it past the second episode.

2) No People of Color

Full House is a show by, for and about white people. It takes place in the Bay Area, one of the most ethnically diverse places in the world, and yet it is a total cracker fest. Back in the 90’s you could get away with having an all white cast on tv (you practically had to) without any criticism. Well, those days are over. I’m really curious to see what the twitter hashtag that condemns this show for being nothing but a collective of super lilly white honkeys will be. My guess is something like #FullofWhitePrivilegeHouse. I can’t wait!

Full House is a show about white privilege, so much so that it fails to recognize that any other kind of person exists. Even the token ethnic friends that showed up every now and again were at least half white. Think about this, you guys: the blackest person to ever set foot in the Full House was Urkel. That’s right, Urkel.

3) No One Will Have Made Any Personal Progress

As we revisit the Tanner family and the hangers-on who have managed to leech off of their success (Joey, Jesse), we will be met with no surprises whatsoever in regards to how anyone has changed in the years since we were last subjected to their antics. This won’t be played for laughs, and it wont be a sobering reflection on how people don’t really progress and are bound forever to make the same mistakes and do the same annoying shit. This will happen because these are tragically underdeveloped characters, and there’s just not that much else that can be done with them. Danny will still be an obsessive compulsive cleaner because what else could he possibly do? Joey will still do a bunch of terrible impressions all the time, and it still wont make any sense at all why he’s involved with this family.   Wouldn’t it be nice if Joey returned to television having learned not to spit in people’s faces all the time? Or if any of these people came to the realization that they are not in fact the center of the universe? Like, just seeing any of them wait their turn in line for something or go anywhere without needing to become to the focus of the whole crowd’s attention would just be amazing to me.

Jesse’s lack of personal progress will be most dissatisfying because we all know a guy like him-an aging fuck up with a shitty band and no regard for anyone else-and most of us have seen that guy go to jail. Not Jesse, though. There will be no repercussions whatsoever for his lifetime of selfish worthlessness, I can guarantee you.

4) Still No Exploration of the Theme of Alternative Families

Another thing that bugs me about the underutilized San Francisco setting is that San Francisco is the gayest place on Earth and yet, somehow, this show about three gentle, sensitive men who live together to raise kids as a family, seems completely unaware that gay people even exist. Just look outside! I guarantee you that people are having butt sex in that park across the street from the full house at pretty much any given time. Inside the house, there will be occasional hilarious misunderstanding where someone walks in on Joey and Jesse wrestling in their underwear or something and it sure is funny when it’s taken out of context, but no one is ever like, “hey, this show is totally about gay dads!”

Rather than some half-baked, tacked on 20-years later sequel, I think that Full House could really use a reboot. The world is ready to watch a show about a polyamorous unity between 3 men who are raising kids together. I’d watch that shit. Also, replacing all the actors would be a major bonus! Don’t bring the full house back, burn that shit to the ground, and maybe you could actually build something that’s worthwhile on top of its smoldering remains.

Unfortunately, based on that amazing time that Candace Cameron got told by Raven Symone on the View, I can only assume that she’d do everything in her power to prevent this from ever happening.

5) None of the New Characters Will Be At All Memorable or Interesting

I guess DJ and Kimmie Gibbler have kids now and maybe there will be new love interests or some shit but I can pretty much guarantee you that, after viewing all of these episodes, I won’t know anything more about any of those new characters than I do right now. That’s not because they wont have their own storylines. I’m sure that there will be obligatory episodes about how DJ has to go to her boring kids karate tournament at the same time as an important work meeting and how’s a working single mom supposed to make it in this day and age? And I’m sure that each new character will have some overly simplistic characteristics that define them, like the hungry kid or the fidgety guy that Kimmie Gibbler is dating or the kid that really likes science and says affirmative all the time, but none of the new characters will leave any lasting impressions. The worst part is, the new characters will actually make us miss the returning cast members when they’re not onscreen. I can’t think of a bigger offense than that.

If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed about this series, it’s that every returning character will be spewing out their most overused catch phrases from back in the day at the slightest provocation. They might as well call this shit, “Remember That Dumb Ass Catch Phrase From When You Were 12? The Series.” There will also probably be some attempts to bestow the new characters with catch phrases of their own, and all of them will fail. This will partially be because the new Netflix model of releasing everything all at once doesn’t allow for a shows creators to gage an audience reaction to something in order to make decisions about what to develop into “a thing” (one of my all-time favorite tv moments was in the E! True Hollywood Story for Blossom in which Joey Lawrence thoroughly explains the evolution of his catch phrase, “whoa.” So THAT’S how it happened!), but it’s also probably true that there will be no new or good ideas injected into this series, so it wouldn’t have worked anyway. Regardless, I’m willing to bet that the shows creators will do their best to make assumptions about what will get the audience all riled up, resulting in some new and misguided catchphrases.  Here are my predictions for what some of them will be:

“I’m so itchy!”

“I made a doo doo in your bed”

“Wha-wha-wha-whaaaaaaaaaa?!!?”

“That’s not my problem”

“I don’t care about you at all”

“#AllLivesMatter”

6) There Will Be No Mention of Stephanie’s Fake Titties

The elephant in the room will not be addressed. There might be some gross, family-friendly references to how much Stephanie has “grown up” or something in response to all of the low cut shirts she seems to be wearing in all the promo stuff, but no one’s gonna just straight up be like, “damn, Stephanie, what’s up with them fake tittays?”

7) The More Successful Cast Members Will Smugly Phone In Their Appearances, While the More Desperate Ones Will Give It Their All, To the Point Of Making It Uncomfortable To Watch

John Stamos has done really well since the show ended, so much so that he seems willing to grease his hair up and neglect his wife on tv again just for the fun of it. It’s also possible that he’s doing it as a favor to the rest of the cast, or maybe even just because he missed working with them. Regardless of his reasons for showing up, he knows he’s too good for this show and this will be apparent in every moment that he’s onscreen. Bob Saget will also smugly phone in his performance, doing his best to communicate to the audience that he’s smarter and funnier than this show even though none his stand up has proven this to be true.

Jodie Sweetin seems to have had the roughest time out in the real world, so much so that I can’t help but wonder if this reunion isn’t some charitable deed by everyone else involved to try to help her get some work. Her biggest claims to fame in recent years has been a tell-all book about being a meth addict and a series of failed twitter campaigns where she lobbied for a spot on Dancing With the Stars. I think it’s a safe bet that her presence onscreen will be that of a person trying way too hard to prove her performance chops so that maybe, just once in her life, she might get an acting job playing someone besides Stephanie Tanner.

8) They Will Not All Die

Proving that sheer force of will cannot alter reality, and that nobody on the executive staff cares about all those letters I sent, the series will not conclude with all of the characters dying horribly. How great would it be, though, if the house collapsed or exploded or something and the family all died. That’s the only thing that would validate a return to the full house. It’s the only possible way anyone would end up saying, “this was worth waiting for.”

 

Tune in next week for Fuller House Reviewed Part 1.  It’s gonna be real cranky!  Also, feel free (or even obligated) to check out Saved By the Bell Reviewed, a weekly podcast where myself and 3 other real funny people talk about a way better show than Full House.

 

Posted in Bonus Material | 89 Comments

The Unauthorized Full House Story Part 3

I can’t even remember what was going on when we left off.  Whatever it was, it wasn’t that interesting.  I do remember that it was at the 55 minute mark, because I’m keeping track of those minutes, real close.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 12.10.16 AM

Jesse and DJ hang out in the same studio courtyard set that they used in the Saved By the Bell Lifetime movie (and probably a bunch of other crappy Lifetime biopics that I haven’t watched, too).  DJ worries about shitty stuff that she’s seen about herself in tabloids and Jesse just kind of talks about himself and how that relates to him.  She wonders what it would be like to have a normal life and he encourages her to go to a normal people school.  He kind of seems like he’s coming on to her the whole time and I kept waiting for them to start kissing but it never happened.  I guess that’s probably just what talking to John Stamos is like in real life.  You’re just waiting for him to kiss you the whole time.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 12.14.50 AM

She starts talking about how her brother is trying to convince her to get closer to god (when’s the biopic about Kirk Cameron’s crazy god obsession gonna come out!??!) and you can tell that Jesse’s like whatever about that shit but then he’s just like, do your thing, man.  Like, I get hella pussy and strum my guitar, that’s my thing.  If you wanna grow up to be some conservative bible thumper then, like, whatever.  Raven Simone isn’t gonna like it but, like, that’s her thing.

Bob Saget takes notes while watching endless videos of babies getting hit in the nuts for his side gig and then John Stamos comes into his office or dressing room or whatever and tells him that Dave Coulier’s come back to work just 1 day after his sister’s funeral.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 1.16.58 AM

Wait, what?  We didn’t even ever hear about him having a sister.  We have heard about Bob Saget’s sister’s terminal illness, but that’s got nothing to do with this.  The pair of them find Dave Coulier on set and ask him why he’s at work if he’s dealing with some fucked up ass life bullshit.  Dave Coulier is clearly trying to repress him emotions and then when they ask him why he doesn’t go home to his wife and child he tells them that he’s getting a divorce on account of his wife realizing that she was married to Dave Coulier.  He also says that he’s not that great at being a grown up and before anyone can chime in about how he’s not great at being a comedian or tv actor or a person that doesn’t look like he needs to get punched in the face all the time the Olsen twins roll up and belch out some indecipherable gibberish.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 1.19.19 AM

Seriously, I rewound it 4 times.  I have no idea what they said.  It kind of sounds like, “I saved you from a nap.”  Coulier cradles the cryptic children and asks his costars, “wouldn’t it be great if real life was more like Full House?”  Fuck no it wouldn’t.  There’s no sex or alcohol, and everyone’s a totally self-obsessed piece of shit.  If my life was like Full House it’d be a very special episode about suicide.

It’s 1993 and we see a high school hallway where some young woman we’ve never seen before has apparently just enrolled.  She keeps talking about being on set and… oh, wait, that’s supposed to be Candace Cameron.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 1.28.03 AM

I guess they decided to switch actresses in the last 20 minutes of the movie.  Sure, why not?  Some mean girls shit talk Candace and her shitty ass tv show and for a split second it made me think about how it would feel for the actors to hear people’s harsh criticisms of their terrible performances but I had to stuff those feelings down a la Dave Coulier in the previous scene because otherwise I was about to have to take a long hard look at my life and it was gonna be rough.

New DJ tells the other girls what the outside world is like as we meet the rest of the time-lapsed kids.  They’re all as hollow and unremarkable as the actresses they’ve replaced.  I have nothing else to say about them.

Some producer or stagehand or something finds Bob Saget and Dave Coulier goofing off backstage and he tells them that they’ll start filming soon but they don’t give no fucks. They continue to goof around with props while John Stamos approaches, who joins in on their naughty mischief.  They open a refrigerator and bust out some whipped cream, which leads to the most controversial moment in the whole movie.  Brace yourself, gentle reader, as I am about to tell you something that may shock you:  the dads do whip-its.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 1.36.13 AM

I know that’s not as shocking as if there’d been a scene where someone like smokes a cigarette one time or says a bad word or something, but this is all we’re gonna get.  I’m not sure if it’s a result of the nitrous oxide or years of palpable sexual tension between these fellows, but either way they all start spraying each other with whipped cream.

Seconds before penetration occurs, Jeff Franklin comes back there and tells them to knock it the fuck off and then that’s it.  That is the height of controversy and drama that you will find in this snooze-fest.

Bob Saget’s daughter starts getting all up his ass about how he spends more time with his tv family instead of his real one because I guess she doesn’t realize that not having him around all the time is a best case scenario.

Screen shot 2015-09-08 at 1.41.58 AM

He tells her that she can suck it because he’s actually going to visit his dying sister, which is always a pretty good way to win an argument.  Take THAT, girl who needs her father!  You also get a sense that Mrs. Saget is getting tired of the absentee husband routine as well and you can kind of see the gears turning as it dawns on her that she can get half his shit and not have to look at his stupid face anymore in one fell swoop.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.27.01 AM

The Olsen twins appear on some talk show while the rest of their young costars watch and hate on them.  Meanwhile, the Olsen parents argue over the appropriate handling of their young commodities, again portraying the mom as being uncomfortable with the incredible wealth and luxury her ugly children have bought her.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.17.35 AM

When Bob Saget’s sister dies it gets actual screen time. Seriously, what was up with Dave Coulier’s shoehorned sister death? Anyway, Bog Saget’s wife encourages him to take comfort from his stupid obnoxious tv family and then she sits and watches from the car, looking all butt hurt as Saget smiles and makes dead sister jokes with Dave Coulier.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.21.11 AM

They cut to another weird scene of John Stamos and his shitty band performing a terrible cover in the rehearsal room and then Jeff Franklin comes in and tells everyone that he’s leaving the show to go work on Hanging With Mr. Cooper. Remember that show? It was hella better than Full House. It was weird how it got totally retooled a few seasons in. Remember when they added Raven Simone and it became a way more family friendly show? It totally wasn’t as good after that. Anyway, he tells them that it’s been a honor to work with a bunch of no talent pieces of shit on the most egregious creative compromise of his career and then they all have a disgusting group hug.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.25.26 AM

There’s another scene portraying Bob Saget as a negligent husband and then we cut to Dave Coulier and John Stamos backstage at a fashion show. Stamos alludes to being tired of swimming in an endless sea of poonana but then he bumps into Rebecca Romijn and they have a little meet-cute.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.28.48 AM

Everyone talks about all the shit they got going on in the rehearsal room as the Season wraps up. DJ talks about her tv movie, which I’m pretty sure is the one where Fred Savage plays her murderer boyfriend. Everyone gossips about Lori Loughlin’s recent divorce and you can tell that John Stamos is hella mad that he missed his window to hit it now that he’s all up in Rebecca Romijn.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.31.32 AM

The shows producers walk in and tell everyone that even though the show still has high ratings, the network finally realized that it sucks fat dick and needs to die already. Jodie Sweetin has like her only dramatic moment when she talks about how the network can’t take the show away from them (seriously, if she hadn’t said this then they may as well have not even shown her at all for the last half of the movie) and then everyone hugged and cried until I barfed all over my keyboard.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.35.41 AM

The reenactment of the final episode is actually sort of faithful to the original version, which threw me for a loop. They do the part where Steve comes back in the final moments and it’s kind of like, oh yeah, there was a whole other cast member that they never even mentioned at all until now (they also never mention the twins but I’m sure not complaining about that oversight).

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.39.06 AM

The guy that plays Steve is way more of a nebbish than the original but he’s probably like someone’s son or something and, besides, he’s got like one line. Oh, wait, I just noticed that when they do the final cast bow, the twins are standing there. Well, ok.

2 years later, Bob Saget is back to telling jokes about nuts on stage. John Stamos is performing on Broadway, which is not a total travesty. They don’t bother to tell us what Dave Coulier is doing, which is fine by me, but then we cut back to Bob Saget as he and his wife sit down to sign divorce papers. He says that he thought things would get better after the show ended and she says that the show was never the problem, which I assume is an admittance that the problem was always his stupid face. Or maybe just the endless dick jokes.

Candace Cameron and Lori Loughlin go to a charity hockey game that Dave Coulier’s playing in and he introduces them to some Russian hockey player. The Russian guy tells them that he learned to speak English from watching Full House and then he says, “oh my lanta” to Candace and she’s like, “you’re funny.” Yeah, tv show actors always think that people who quote their catch phrases at them are real funny. Anyway, the next scene jumps ahead 4 years to their wedding because wedding’s are a really good way to wrap up crappy biopics.

After the ceremony the cast all gather together and hug for about 2 minutes straight and then, in true Full House fashion, Bob Saget interrupts the reception by giving a long toast that’s mostly about himself and not at all appropriate or interesting to anyone else.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.56.07 AM

Gentle music plays as he talks about the character of Danny Tanner and ice cream and hugs and that they’re a family in real life even though they only played a completely deplorable one on tv, then Dave Coulier farts, which is a pretty fitting ending to this entire mess.

Screen shot 2015-09-09 at 1.59.48 AM

Well, I’m glad that’s over. It was kinda fun to be back, even for a big pile of garbage like this. I do think that this productions total lack of quality was appropriate given its subject matter, but I wish they’d managed to dig up some actual behind the scenes dirt. Couldn’t they have thrown in some stuff about Alanis Morrisette, or like some fucked up shit that happened later? I’m pretty sure that the Olsen twins became big coke heads when they were teenagers. Well, whatever.

That’s it for the foreseeable future. I will be reviewing Fuller House when that comes out (and yet somehow I still bet there will be a comment below that asks if I’ll be reviewing it). I have a tentative deal with an actual website to publish the reviews there so if that pans out I’ll just link to them on here when they’re up. We’ll see how interested they still are when the show actually comes out. Until then, be sure to check out the weekly podcast I do with several other hilarious geniuses, Saved By the Bell Reviewed.  As always, I remain

Your pal,

~Billy Superstar~

 

 

 

 

Posted in Bonus Material | 59 Comments

The Unauthorized Full House Story Part 2

Wait, this is only part 2?  I feel like I’ve been watching this thing for a million years already!  Lemme check the timer… 21 minutes!??!  Fuck my life!  There’s another hour of this shit!??!

Screen shot 2015-09-01 at 12.06.06 AM

Last week’s entry left off with the cast fully assembled.  Now that Bob Saget has joined the team, he meets the rest of his fellow “actors.”  I have to commend him for immediately addressing the gay love triangle at the heart of the show, even though he’s only doing it to mess with John Stamos, who’s all “no homo” about it.

In the writer’s room, Saget pitches story ideas to Dave Coulier for some reason.  I guess it’s supposed to represent his immediate dissatisfaction with the show (the exchange also credits him with inventing Danny’s obsessive compulsive cleaning habits) but, seriously, why’s he bouncing these ideas off of Dave Coulier?  Shouldn’t be be talking to… anyone else?

All the child actors arrive and they make a big point about how the Olsen twin’s mom had no interest in pimping out her kids and was actually quite uncomfortable with the whole endeavor, which I bet is total bullshit.  They perpetuate this myth throughout the entire movie, so I guess we’re supposed to believe that she reluctantly turned her kids into producers by the time they were like 5 and that the powers that be had to bite and claw to get her to allow her kids to become billionaire moguls based on their mediocre direct to video movies and clothing lines by the time they were teenagers.  I’m sure that their mom was really conflicted about the enormous sums of money she was making off of her no-talent children.

The live studio audience eats up the hot garbage that’s being shoveled into their mouths but the show still receives terrible ratings and reviews.  Bob Saget whines to his sister and wife and the latter poses the question, “It’s a show about 3 friends raising kids… what’s so terrible about that?”  Oh, man, don’t even get me started!  Bob Saget replies, “there’s nothing terrible, or interesting, or funny about it.  That’s the problem.” And he’s right.  Except the part where he said there’s nothing terrible about it.  Anyway, Saget’s wife and sister tell him to stop being such a pissy ass bitch and learn to appreciate his crappy new job.

Screen shot 2015-09-01 at 12.40.53 AM

In attempt to feel more enthusiastic about being cast in the worst show in history, Bob Sagets invites his adult costars to Vegas, or at least a conspicuously uninhabited casino set that’s supposed to represent Vegas.  The guys all get drunk and gamble (which is the kind of stuff that you’d never see on Full House, but still not racy enough to justify a tell-all movie) and discuss their various characteristics:  John Stamos gets hella pussy, Bob Saget has been with his wife since high school and never cheats on her (good for him!) and Dave Coulier is apparently always farting.  Seriously?  Like I didn’t already think Dave Coulier was the worst guy who ever lived, now you gotta tell me that he also drops nasty farts all the time?  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  You know how people always say that if they had a time machine they’d go back and kill Hitler?  Not me, man.  I’d stomp on baby Coulier the day he was born, and the world would be much better for it.  Way less terrible jokes, and less farts, even.

Screen shot 2015-08-28 at 2.06.03 AM

With that, we’re caught up to the opening scene, further proving that nothing interesting is going to happen throughout this entire movie.  Stamos complains to the producers about how long it takes for the Olsen twins to get through a scene, what with their constant pants shitting, and Saget is scolded for making stripper jokes in front of Jodie Sweetin (maybe that’s why she grew up to be so fucked up.  I can only guess because we never get to see any of her meth abuse in this movie, which would have been like the only cool part).

Between takes, Saget makes a bunch of totally valid observations about how terrible the show is and starts to walk off the set.  His adult costars convince him to stay because Dave Coulier will likely never work again if he doesn’t keep this gig and John Stamos shares the same fear even though he’s the only person on the show who has actual show business level talent.

I guess Dave Coulier is on a pep talk roll because the next scene is him talking to Moms Olsen about why she needs to keep her hideous babies on the show.  The best part is that the Olsen twin he’s holding is totally picking her nose during the scene.

Screen shot 2015-09-02 at 12.26.15 AM

That’s the best thing that happens in the whole movie.  At the end of this very special talk, Dave Coulier prompts the girls to deliver some Nicky and Alex level gibberish.  I guess that means that they’re staying on the show?

As Season 1 comes to a close, Jeff Franklin anxiously awaits an answer as to whether the show will be picked up for another Season.  Despite all logic or good in the world, the network decides to continue on with this unholy endeavor, much to the casts gratification.

Screen shot 2015-09-02 at 12.34.24 AM

Dave Coulier farts with relief and the rest of the cast is like what the fuck?  Jodie Sweetin says, “how rude,” which is sorta snuck in there.  That’s the only reference to any of the catch phrases that were used on the show.  I guess if it’s used outside of a reenactment of a scene it’s ok?  Anyway, I’m really bothered by this farting thing.  Like, I really didn’t need another reason to hate Dave Coulier.  There were already way too many.  I just can’t even deal with this.

Screen shot 2015-09-02 at 12.39.31 AM

Jeff Franklin delivers a talk to the cast about how he’s cooking up ways for the show to suck less dick in Season 2.  That poor, deluded son of a bitch.  He wants more family oriented narratives and he decides to add the character of Rebecca Donaldson.

Screen shot 2015-09-02 at 12.40.40 AM

We see Lori Loughlin’s first day on set and she’s introduced to John Stamos, but it turns out they’re already familiar, as they used to hit skins back in the day.  They have a debate over who ended things and there’s a real Jesse and Becky tension, you guys.  You can tell that Stamos is right about to whip it out for her but then she tells him that she just got married.  Dang!  Sorry, Stamos!  At least you’ll get to make out with her on tv all the time.

We get to listen to “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” by timeless artists Wang Chung as a montage rolls across the screen, indicating that the show has become a hit.  The Olsen twin’s mom is advised to get a lawyer by… someone.  I can’t remember who it is.  I think it’s supposed to be Jodie Sweetin’s mom?  Anyway, those kids are proving the be a hot commodity and their mom is starting to get more savvy about it.

Screen shot 2015-09-02 at 12.50.25 AM

As Season 3 begins, Kimmie Gibbler runs in to the kids backstage school session and tells Candace Cameron that she’s become a series regular.  This actress does nothing to simulate the radness of Kimmie Gibbler but it doesn’t even matter because this is like the only time we see her.

There’s a pan over to Jodie Sweetin giving them side-eyes and I guess we’re supposed to get a sense that she feels left out or something.  That’s about as much Jodie Sweetin character building as we’ll get in this entire movie.

Screen shot 2015-09-02 at 12.52.36 AM

John Stamos gives Dave Coulier a pep talk to convince him to ask out some model that he’s into.  He lists Coulier’s positive qualities in attempt to lift his spirits, which is really difficult to sit through.  He should just be like, “you’re rich now and even though you suck and so does the show that you’re on, you’re famous regardless so you might as well abuse that.”

Bob Saget tells the other dads that Michelle Tanner is officially the most recognized female character on television and they all scramble to get more scenes with her.  Meanwhile, Moms Olsen meets with Jeff Franklin and her fancy new layer to get a bunch more money for her disgusting babies even though she’s totally not in this for the money.

Screen shot 2015-09-03 at 12.57.49 AM

Meanwhile, Bob Saget gets called into a meeting with a bunch of soulless executives and they actually do a pretty good job of conveying how he would talk shit right to their faces and they’d be like, “oh, you!”  They offer him the hosting gig of Americas Funniest Home Videos, AKA People Getting Hit in the Nuts: the Series, and after going home and talking at his wife for a few minutes he decides to take it.

Screen shot 2015-09-03 at 1.02.38 AM

The next scene shows John Stamos jammin’ out with his band in the rehearsal room, which is kind of confusing to me.  Why are they doing that?  Are those supposed to be The Rippers?  Why are they allowed to perform in the rehearsal room?  Was this a real thing they used to do?  It seems kind of weird to show this without any set-up or context.  Anyway, the whole cast all dance around together like a bunch of corny goofballs, except for Bob Saget, who’s like, what a bunch of dipshits.  I don’t know, this movie is kind of making me respect him a tiny bit.

We cut to 1990 and there’s a large and diverse family shown tuning into TGIF to watch Full House and then we see a really amazing psuedo-rendition of the shows opening.

Screen shot 2015-09-03 at 1.08.33 AM

At some sort of cast gathering, Dave Coulier informs his costars that he’ll be marrying Jane, who I can only assume is the model that he was talking about a few scenes ago.  That poor, poor woman.

Candace Cameron runs panic-stricken through the backstage area searching for Lori Loughlin, who she finds on set rehearsing a scene with John Stamos.  Candace tells Lori that she’s straight buggin’ because she has an onscreen smooching scene and it’s her first kiss.  Lori convinces Stamos to demonstrate a screen kiss with her while Cameron watches and if the scene wasn’t so poorly directed and performed it would give you a clear sense of the sexual tension that exists between the two actors.

Screen shot 2015-08-23 at 11.50.49 PM

I don’t think that this is an intentional reference to all the weird scenes on the show where characters stared at Uncle Jesse while he made out with some floozy but I thought I’d refer to the similarities here because that shit lives in my brain now and there’s nowhere else to put it.  After the kiss, Lori Loughlin abruptly exits the scene, presumably to go rub one out.

Dave Coulier tells the fellas that his poor, unfortunate wife is seeded with his blasphemous brethren and then the conversation soon turns to all the poonana that John Stamos gets.  There’s a trivia checklist of all the famous women he’s banged and then they talk for a minute about how he’s really into Paula Abdul.  Dang, I totally didn’t know about that!  That’s actually kind of interesting, from a useless early 90’s trivia standpoint  Abruptly, and unrelated to anything else that’s happening in the scene, Bob Saget’s sister walks onto the set and tells him that she’s dying of some rare disease.  I’m not gonna make any shitty jokes about that, tho, because what am I, a monster?

Screen shot 2015-09-03 at 1.22.13 AM

John Stamos make an appearance at some event with Paul Abdul and a reporter asks him what it’s like to be dating her and then follows-up with, “you’re still on that kids show, right?”  We never really see the ramifications of this scene so I’m not sure what exactly it’s supposed to be saying about their relationship (like is he insecure about her being more successful than him? Is that what they’re trying to convey?) but I did notice that they totally cast a white woman to play Paula Abdul.  She doesn’t even have any lines!  They could have cast anyone that looked at all like Paula Abdul to play her!  What the fuck?

Screen shot 2015-09-03 at 8.32.27 PM

Stamos whines to his dad about how he’s still never gotten a movie role.  I guess that was the point of that last scene… it still doesn’t tell us anything about his relationship with white Paula Abdul… We do learn that they just broke up, tho. Why?  We’ll never know.  Gentle music plays as Dad Stamos tells his son to grow the fuck up and I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a reference to the show or not.  Gentle music is a staple of many bad televised narratives.

As Jeff Franklin witness the soulless commodification of the Olsen twins by corporate bigwigs take shape, he sees a live feed of Bob Saget making lewd gestures and jokes with a mannequin between takes.  It really goes on for a long time.

Screen shot 2015-09-03 at 8.40.29 PM

Jeff Franklin and Bob Saget have a heated exchange over his inappropriate tomfoolery and I guess it’s supposed to be a big moment, which is yet another indication that nothing controversial really happened behind the scenes of this show.

It’s late and I’m tired so I guess that wraps it up for this week.  There’s only about half an hour left at this point so I can probably finish this monstrosity up in the next installment.  Thanks for reading, guys!  It’s great to be back, even for something this awful.  Tune in next week, and be sure to check out the Saved By the Bell Reviewed Podcast, starring me and several other hilarious geniuses.

 

Posted in Bonus Material | 37 Comments

The Unauthorized Full House Story Part 1

Damn, guys, I guess there’s more Full House stuff.  I’m gonna review Fuller House when that happens but in the interim there was a terrible Lifetime movie so why don’t we have a friendly little chat about that?

1433515521-1433441852-the-unauthorized-full-house-story-zoomjpg

So, this thing is bad and everything, but it’s also pretty well suited to the quality of its subject.  I just saw Straight Outta Compton and it kind of amazed me to see an actual high-quality biopic get made for once, but imagine if they’d made a Full House movie of that caliber.  I mean, it couldn’t be done, because there’s pretty much no story to tell here, but like imagine if this movie actually looked like it cost money to make or had even one talented actor in it.  It’s kind of a zen practice to try to conjure up that image because it’s so unfathomable that it just makes your mind draw a complete blank.

Screen shot 2015-08-25 at 1.09.33 AM

Anyway, let’s get into the point-by-point shit talking.  The “movie” opens with the actor who plays Dave Coulier backstage talking to what I wouldn’t so much call an actor as a confused child who is depicting one of the Olsen twins.  The guy who plays Coulier is pretty lousy but I was so grateful to not have to look at Uncle Joey’s actual face for any of this that he never really bothered me.

The two of them head onstage and I was going to say that they embark on a reenactment of a Full House episode but the thing they’re doing isn’t based on any episode that I remember seeing.  I know that I was stoned on pot for most of the episodes that I watched (especially the early ones.  BOY was I high all the time back then!) but I’m really certain that there was never a sleepwalking Uncle Joey episode.  I guess that this is a thing about rights. Like, the people at Lifetime must know the exact amount of stuff that you can do in a biopic without getting sued.  Probably you gotta cough up some cash to do an episode reenactment?

Screen shot 2015-08-25 at 1.11.38 AM

And if that doesn’t throw you enough, check out this set!  That looks more like Archie Bunker’s house than the Full House.  It’s, like, inverted.  Again, I have to assume that this is a rights thing, like they changed it just exactly enough to not have to give anyone any money.

So then a bunch of no-name actors come out as various characters from the show and it kind of makes your brain reel.  It’s weird because it was already unsettling to see all those terrible people in those garish outfits deliver that intolerable dialogue when it was actually happening, but seeing a skewed reenactment of it is even more fucked up somehow.  It’s like seeing a hideous monster reflected in a funhouse mirror, and it keeps telling all these corny jokes.

Screen shot 2015-08-28 at 2.06.03 AM

So the actors run through their crappy fake episode reenactment until the Olsen Twin shits its pants and they have to stop the scene (that’s really what happens!) and then the camera pans up and we cut to 2 years earlier.

Screen shot 2015-08-25 at 1.21.18 AM

Wait, what?  Oh, I get it.  That was, like, the high drama moment.  Most crappy biopics start at a moment that’s supposed to pull you in, like when the guy it’s about is smoking crack in a hotel room or like getting robbed at knife point by a prostitute who’s high on crack or like skiing on a steep, dangerous mountain in the Ozarks while he’s high on crack or something, and then it cuts to when he’s young and innocent and you’re like, man, I gotta see how this hopeful young man ends up being a treacherous crack smoker, especially since he was also the writer of Alf.  The problem here is that the moment they’ve used to try to hook us with reveals that nothing at all interesting is about to take place for the entire movie.  And this isn’t just me being that cranky guy on the internet that shits all over Full House all the time, either.  There’s like zero drama in this whole thing.  The big conflict is that (spoiler alert) Bob Saget is aware that the show sucks.  Outside of that there’s really nothing controversial or even interesting here.  Nobody even hits a crack pipe, not one time.

Screen shot 2015-08-25 at 1.33.21 AM

2 years earlier, Bob Saget was telling dirty jokes on stage.  The jokes aren’t that dirty here because this is a cheap network television movie (his bit is about tampons, which you can totally talk about on every channel) but you get the idea.  Faux-Saget heads backstage and meets up with Faux-Coulier, informing the audience that they were pals before starring on the worst sitcom of all time together.  They have a friendly exchange with Mrs. Faux-Saget before she leaves them to do guy stuff, like drink booze and trade handjobs (just like on their tv show!  Well, not the booze…).

Faux-Coulier tells Faux-Saget that he’s just been cast on Saturday Night Live and Faux-Saget congratulations him before going into a whiny diatribe about how all the comedians that they came up with are getting tv deals except for him.  I guess it would feel pretty bad to see Dave Coulier get better comedy gigs than you.

Screen shot 2015-08-25 at 1.40.39 AM

We cut to a generic diner, where we meet Faux-Stamos, who is working for his father after quitting his role on General Hospital.  I’m just gonna assume that he’s working there to help his dad out and not because he spent all of his tv money already.  I mean, come on.  Anyway, Faux-Stamos gets ogled by a bunch of horny broads while his dad gives him a pep talk about his acting career.  Young Stamos worries that the course of his career has led him to be seen in the acting world as “damaged goods,” which is incredibly naive considering that he’ll still be getting work in 20 years after appearing in the worst thing ever filmed (including footage of actual torture) but, you know, hindsight’s 20/20.  Faux-Stamos is comforted first by his father’s reassuring words and then by sauntering over to those horny broads to tear them walls up.

Screen shot 2015-08-25 at 1.46.19 AM

Bob Saget’s low wage doppelganger goes home to his wife to tell her some big news and she says that she has big news, too, and then in true sitcom fashion he keeps interrupting her when she tries to talk and tells her all about how he’s got an offer to be the lame comic relief on a morning news show.  He questions whether or not he should take the job and then his wife tells him that she’s pregnant because that’s all wives ever say on tv after their big news gets interrupted over and over again.

Screen shot 2015-08-25 at 1.54.52 AM

Phoney baloney Dave Coulier’s agent calls him and tells him that the people at Saturday Night Live realized that he’s the worst comedian of all time and his stupid fucking face would be a pox on their show so he didn’t get the gig after all and then Coulier pouts like a stupid whiny baby.  Meanwhile, Fakey Bob Saget decides to take the morning show gig.  I think that these two scenes are supposed to be visually woven together by the artful use of cordless phones.

We cut to the ABC Network, where a bunch of fancy bigwigs have a meeting.  There are some real tasty looking donuts on the table and no one is even eating them.  That always drives me nuts on tv shows when there are delicious snacks at a meeting and everyone just acts like they’re not even there.  Man, if I was at that meeting I’d be tearin’ them donuts up.

Screen shot 2015-08-25 at 1.58.00 AM

The meeting scene is actually a pretty decent explanation of how Jeff Franklin, who wrote some actually quite watchable movies that played on cable ten millions times throughout my youth (“Summer School” and “Just One of the Guys”), wanted to pitch a show about a bunch of comedians who lived in a house together and was cajoled by the network into a series of creative compromises that led to the monstrocity that is Full House.  It all kind of makes sense from a soulless tv network perspective.  Like, let’s just throw a bunch of obnoxious kids into that mix and make it really emotionally manipulative and you’ve got yourself a series!

After a brief sequence of Bob Saget just not quite fitting in on his morning show gig, he finds out that his wife is in the hospital.  It turns out that she had an emergency c-section but is ok and then Sister Saget comes in to establish her character, which may be important later.

Screen shot 2015-08-27 at 1.01.46 AM

As Jeff Franklin prepares for his initial casting session for the Full House pilot, he expresses concern to either Miller or Boyett about being unsure of the creative direction of the series he’s helming.  Meanwhile, Candace Cameron delivers a mediocre audition, which we know because the casting director says so to Jeff Franklin, as the actress playing Candace Cameron’s performance is pretty much on par with everything else we see in this movie.

Screen shot 2015-08-27 at 1.04.11 AM

As the casting process continues, we learn more fun trivia about the show, like that the creators wanted Paul Reiser to audition for Danny but he’d already signed on to do My 2 Dads, which is pretty much the same show except not as shitty (and, paradoxically, not as successful).  These sorts of moments are really what this movie is all about.  You don’t get much actual dirt (seriously, not one crack rock in the whole production) but you do get a lot of useless factoids.  Anyway, Candace Cameron’s soulless show-business mom storms back into the casting office with her daughter in hand and, in true Full House fashion, they are awarded another opportunity for overstepping their boundaries.  There is a smart creative choice in this scene of playing music over Candace’s audition so we don’t evaluate her actual performance but we do get the idea that she did a much better job this time and is awarded the role.

Screen shot 2015-08-27 at 1.10.08 AM

As the casting process continues, Dave Coulier gets a call from his agent to let him know that he’s been offered the role of Joey for some unholy reason (probably some goats got sacrificed, or maybe Dave Coulier just sucks a powerful mean dick) and then we see John Stamos fight his way through a horde of groupies to have a lunch with Jeff Franklin that leads to him being cast as Uncle Jesse.

Screen shot 2015-08-28 at 1.16.57 AM

Even though the Olsen twins are only in the audition room because their mom is there with a friend who’s peddling her own children, Jeff Franklin can feel it at the base of his nuts that he can make those 2 ugly babies into soulless media moguls some day.

Screen shot 2015-08-27 at 12.58.32 AM

Bob Saget gets fired from the morning news show because he’s got the second most punchable face in television.  His wife suggests that she go back to work early so he can be a stay at home dad for a while and he’s totally just like fuck that noise.  Like, super flat out.  His wife suggests that he makes an effort to get cast as Danny Tanner and, after some resistance, he agrees to go for it.  Anything’s better than being a stay at home dad!

There’s a teeny tiny flair of storytelling as the producers are shown announcing the casting of Danny and it’s revealed that John Posey has received the role.  Jeff Franklin watches the pilot in his office and expresses his feeling that John Posey’s face just isn’t begging to be punched enough for his terrible abomination of a tv series.  Franklin insists to the producer that Bob Saget is the only man for the job and then they both wonder how they’ll break the news to John Posey.  We never actually see the scene where John Posey is let go, or hear any mention of him ever again in this movie.  Man, I’d give anything to know how John Posey feels about being let go from Full House.  Is it a bummer or a total relief?  Oh, wait, I just googled “john posey full hosue interview” and found all the answers… maybe I’ll read it later.

Screen shot 2015-08-28 at 1.26.06 AM

And with that, the cast of Full House is assembled, which seems like a good stopping point for the first review.  Man, I’m totally not used to writing this kind of crap anymore.  How did I ever have time to do this?  Anyway, I’m guessing it’ll take 3-4 weeks to review this whole thing.  I hope people keep reading it.  If  you want to hear more of my dumb thoughts about shitty pop culture, be sure the check out the Saved By the Bell Reviewed Podcast, where I chat about that show with a regular cast of depraved weirdos (and an occasional special guest!) each week.

Posted in Bonus Material | 57 Comments

Introduction

For those of you who are just stumbling across this site for the first time, Full House Reviewed is a blog that writes scathing reviews of every episode of Full House, the worst sitcom of all time.  It was written to amuse people who have boring desk jobs.  It was the bizarre hobby of a cartoonist with a little bit too much free time on his hands, although, to be fair, he probably would have quit doing it if it hadn’t accumulated such a large following.  It took about 4 years to review every single episode and every entry is available to read for free in the archives.  After the project was completed, the author teamed up with another cartoonist, Carolyn Main, as well as a few more nerdy bloggers to create a podcast that reviews every episode of Saved By the Bell.  Subscribe to the Saved By the Bell Reviewed Podcast on itunes, and rate and review it, please.  You can also check out the podcast on its Tumblr page and like it on Facebook.

Posted in Introduction | 31 Comments

Full House, Reviewed

Since this post is going to live at the top of the site until the end of time, I thought I should start with a disclaimer for people that are stumbling onto this page for the first time.  This is a blog that contains scathing reviews of every episode of Full House, the worst sitcom of all time.  It’s written for jokes.  This final post is a sort of retrospective/personal essay about the show and the process of writing the blog, so if you’re just seeing this for the first time, I’d start with pretty much any post other than this one.

Now that we’ve reached the end of this endeavor, I think that there are two main questions left to address.  The first is the central conundrum of the project, which is, “what the fuck was up with this shitty show?”  The other is embedded in the undertaking, which is, “what the fuck is wrong with me that I decided to spend so much time writing about a show that sucks so hard?”  Both questions are probably impossible to answer fully, but I thought that a final attempt to do so would be a proper way to wrap this thing up.

The story of how Full House came to be seems pretty simple, as near as I can tell.  Jeff Franklin, the guy who made “Summer School” and “Just One of the Guys,” two moderately entertaining movies that were on tv an awful lot when I was growing up, got a shot at creating a tv series.  He pitched a show about 3 comedians who all lived together and it got retooled into a series that was more or less a rip-off of the movie “3 Men and a Baby.”  The network was interested in preachy, moralistic, family-friendly programming at the time and that gradually overrode Franklin’s more raunchy and subversive tendencies as a creator.  As the show became successful it started to rely more and more heavily on its established conventions, including terrible catch-phrases and socially tactless characters, and that’s pretty much all there is to it.

So why was this show such a success?  Honestly I think it just hit the right note at the right time.  It was just harmless enough, friendly enough, easily digestible enough.  It’s like junk food.  You always know exactly what you’re going to get when you watch it and it presents no challenge or need to think whatsoever.  You know it’s bad for you but you still engage.  It’s an indulgence.  One thing I didn’t realize going into this project that became clear as I paid attention to the site’s demographics is that an awful lot of young girls watched the show.  That actually explains a lot, because a series about 3 little girls who have 3 doting, non-threatening father figures tending to their every whim and need is a pretty obvious little girl fantasy.  Ultimately, I think that Full House is a product of a unique time, when a combination of low-quality elements somehow came together to create a hit series that couldn’t have endured during any other period.

I think that this blog is a product of a unique time as well.  A comprehensive review of the entire run of a twenty year old tv series that wasn’t any good is something that could only exist at this precise moment (or maybe in the future, if things don’t improve).  I got hooked on reading about stupid bullshit on the internet while working at my last day job.  I found terrible trends in pop-culture from my youth to be particularly appealing for my internet time-wastes, as do many people.  My theory is that this comes from a desire to retread ones youth from a more controlled or empowered vantage point.  Most of us who are so preoccupied with our childhoods and the things that came with it are trying to make amends with all the hardship that we endured growing up.  Our generation had more frivolous stuff than any that came before (a trend that’s certainly continuing, exponentially) and things like Ninja Turtle action figures were a respite from the horrors and difficulty of being a kid.  Revisiting those things as a grown-up is an attempt to recapture that withdrawn escape from real life that was so necessary for us.  Recognizing what was sort of crappy or ridiculous about these artifacts and entertainment that we spent so much time absorbing is a method of revisiting that period in our lives from a place of heightened understanding and control that was beyond our reach at the time.  It’s also an experience we share with so many people.  Although our time spent playing Nintendo or watching crappy tv shows was often a private endeavor, there were millions of people doing the same thing at the exact same time, and the internet allows us to share those experiences in a way that’s both connected and personal but also equally private and withdrawn.

I’ve written a fair amount about how this project came about as a writing exercise, and that certainly had a lot to do with why I started it.  Writing was becoming an increasingly important element of my work and I was seeking a routine for practicing it that wasn’t too demanding, so recapping a shitty show seemed like an ideal assignment.  It was just easy enough and just challenging enough, just creative enough and just mindless enough.  But I was also using the practice as a method of managing anxiety.  When my career became an actual thing that I had to manage, I got fucking freaked out.  When you work so hard for years and years to get your shit together it can be really shocking when it finally happens.  As soon as I was in a state where I wasn’t constantly struggling to stay afloat, and when my professional ambitions became something of a reality, I had no idea what to do with myself at all.  There’s also a strange thing that happens when your creative endeavor becomes your job.  It makes a practice that was purely enjoyable start to feel like work, which is something I’ve been struggling with for some time now.  I think that a need for some new creative diversion was a major reason why I decided to invent a regular writing exercise for myself, and a need for it to be somewhat frivolous was a big part of why it was based around a sardonic revisitation of a crappy show from my childhood.  I should also add that it’s extremely cathartic to vent all your negativity towards an easy target every week, especially if it really doesn’t seem to be hurting anybody.

It’s impossible to spend so much time writing about something without finding, or at least inventing, certain connections.  At it’s core I think that Full House is just a show that strives to be about family values, or a sort of idealistic view of what a loving, morally-superior family is supposed to be like.  Although the fact that these characters are all so obnoxious and inconsiderate makes that idea become a sort of a horror show, I do think that the series’ intentions were good.  Full Houses’s greatest failing is that it features characters that are so incapable of persuasively delivering its intended messages.  When these people tell you that drinking is wrong, what you’re really hearing is that these people are a bunch of fucking squares, so maybe drinking is actually pretty cool.  When Stephanie gets to take a mulligan at the dance competition, what we’re told is that it’s ok to make mistakes and you should always try again, but the lesson in real life would be that sometimes you fuck up and humiliate yourself and that’s all there is to it.  Suck it up, kid.  Better luck next time.  That’s a pretty valuable life lesson, and one you never once hear on Full House.

Full House is, essentially, a series about non-conventional families.  I don’t think that the creators put much more thought into this than, “hey, wouldn’t it be funny if three ridiculous assholes raised some kids together?” but the idea of a unique or non-traditional family structure is still heavily rooted into the series’ foundation.  I think that another one of the series’ greatest failings is a complete disregard for this idea.  I found myself writing about this early on but it took much longer for me to consciously consider the fact that I myself was raised by my lesbian mom in the California Bay Area at pretty much the exact time that this series was on the air and, after becoming aware of that association, I did wonder how much this had to do with what a low opinion I have of this show.  To be fair, the more obvious failings of the series have to do with the poor quality of the writing, acting, set design, costume design, story ideas, etc. etc. etc., so I don’t think there’s much to be salvaged here from any vantage point.  But I also think that this series could have taken a lot more responsibility for its premise and maybe provided some validation or identification for all sorts of kids who came from a non-traditional family structure.  The fact that the homosexual tension between the dad characters is such a comical element throughout the series is a testament to how unwilling the creators were to do anything smart or subversive or even meaningful with the inherent subtext that they’d created.  I don’t think enough thought when into any of this for it to really be considered offensive, and developing a progressive undertone about gay families was probably something that network television wasn’t prepared for (and that the creators weren’t interested in doing), but I do think that all of this creates a very unusual social context for the series.

The other major theme is white privilege.  Full House is essentially a series about a large family of upper-class white people who don’t really work hard or earn anything that they have and who possess virtually no regard for any of the people around them and yet they excel at everything they do and are constantly rewarded and handed incredible opportunities at every turn.  Again, I don’t think that much thought went into this other than that it made the characters more interesting for tv, but I do think that Full House is probably the best example that exists of why people in other countries think that the U.S. is a shitty place.

Beyond those observations, I think I’ve said everything I have to say about Full House.  Regardless, I really am going to miss this blog.  Although I think that the tone was fairly consistent, my relationship with it changed a lot over the course of the project and, like anyone’s does over the course of 4 years, my life changed a lot, too.  I’ll always remember struggling to keep up with weekly posts early on, before anyone was even reading the thing, especially when I moved across the country.  While I was packing up my shit I got a bunch of entries done ahead of time and during the move I scrambled to find ways to post them.  At one point I found myself standing outside of a Starbucks at 1 AM so I could bum the free wifi with my ipod so I could post the new review and I kind of had to wonder what I was doing with my life.  No one would have given a shit if I’d missed a post at that point, but I would have known, and that was enough.

One of the craziest things that happened in a life-meets-art kind of a way is that, while I was writing the episode about Danny’s mom showing up at the full house for the final time, my grandmother died in real life.  I never really wrote about anything personal in the blog but I think that reading that particular entry with that knowledge in your head makes it a pretty interesting post.

When I got about halfway through the series I was feeling like I’d gotten enough out of the project and was seriously considering packing it in.  One day a friend of mine who is particularly internet savvy called me up to tell me that FHR had been posted on something called Metafilter (I still don’t really know what that is) and so I checked the site’s stats.  Before then, the most hits I’d had in a day was about 600 when Dave Coulier accidentally retweeted the sites URL that one of my few readers had sent to him, but all of a sudden I had 30,000 hits in a day.  The site went viral and ended up getting reposted all over the internet and all of a sudden I had an actual sizeable following.  Having a popular blog is a funny thing because it doesn’t really lessen the feeling that you’re just some nerd who’s wasting a bunch of time fucking around on the internet, but it does make it feel a little more valid.

I realized that I couldn’t rent Season 5 on Netflix so I decided to quit the project if fans didn’t buy the rest of the DVD’s for me (which cost about $10 each).  There was definitely some belly-aching about this but the DVD’s were purchased within a matter of hours and I think that I needed that exchange to occur in order to make me feel sufficiently obligated to complete the project. Having a readership definitely helped but for some reason the feeling that I’d be welching on a $10 agreement I’d made with someone assured that I wouldn’t be backing out, ever.

While I was reviewing Season 5, just before I turned 30, a bunch of crazy shit happened all at once in my personal life.  I was woken up one morning and subjected to the most abrupt, uncivil break-up of my entire life.  It was the kind of break-up where you’re not given any explanation but it’s just totally over so you go stay at your friend’s house in their spare room that smells like cat pee and return to the apartment that you’re still paying for during designated times when no one’s there to pack up your shit and find all this really conspicuous evidence that some strange guy’s been having sex in your bed.  Suffice to say, I was a little fucked up for a while, and I came the closest I ever did to having to stop the blog for a while.  Ultimately I decided that I needed to keep doing it to give myself something to focus on, that the routine was good for me, and I think that this decision really changed my relationship with the project.  While I was staying in that cat pee room I watched the episode where Michelle learned how to ride a bike and I found myself cackling with sinister laughter while watching her fall into the bushes, and it was at that precise moment that I knew that everything would be ok.

After I found a new apartment and got my shit settled in I started to feel this incredible euphoria.  For the past several years I’d been trying to make a crappy relationship work and spending all my time getting high and working at home and all of a sudden I felt this wealth of possibility.  I felt like I’d just come out of a coma.  I started going out and doing stuff, I made a bunch of new friends, I started sleeping better, I worked a lot less, I went to the river, I got to be a judge in a sandwich competition, I started dating someone new and it was amazing.  It was actually this period when I found it to be most difficult to maintain the blog but, like I said, a few people had contributed those $10 DVD box sets, so what choice did I have.

Another major event was that the company I’d been doing regular contract work with offered to make me an official employee so I’d receive health benefits but in order to do so I’d be subject to random drug tests.  Just as I was turning 30, I had to make a choice between smoking weed and having health insurance.  I wouldn’t say that this was an easy decision, but I will say that the choice was obvious.  I was worried that after the fact I’d become some preachy guy about how smoking weed is shitty or something but I really don’t feel that way at all.  I think that smoking weed is pretty great.  But I was doing it, like, all the time, for years and years, and totally failing to moderate it, so quitting was probably a good idea.  I haven’t really spent much time going back and reading old entries but I’m curious about how differently the first 6 Seasons read from the last 2, which were the only ones that weren’t written when I was super high.  I will say that reviewing Full House was a lot more of a challenge without the effects of sweet, sweet reefer.

So there you have it.  This blog was the product of being in a shitty relationship and getting really high all the time.  That’s pretty much the entire behind the scenes story.

The main thing that makes this project feel like it was worth doing is the amazing community that accumulated around it.  It’s totally incredible to me that I created a place on the internet where I could be an asshole every week and vent all my hostility and yet I ended up feeling like I did something good.  As the comments section became more active, people started opening up more, and I really felt like I had somehow created a space where people could work out some stuff and find support.  I have no idea how this happened, as it seems so counter-intuitive to the tone of the project (and defies pretty much every comments section I’ve ever seen on the internet), but I do think it’s the thing I’m most proud of.  I really do want to thank every person that shared this experience with me, and who shared their own experiences as well.  We may not know each other in real life but we went through this thing together.  There’s something amazing about that.

One last thing I’ll address before I retire from this project forever is that I think I may have endured this process for one other reason that occurred to me late in the game.  For whatever reason, I was always compelled to watch Full House whenever it was on.  I think I enjoyed the visceral anger it gave me.  The process of watching and reviewing every episode is kind of like that old convention where your dad catches you smoking a cigarette when you’re a kid so he makes you smoke a whole carton, and then you get so sick that you never want to smoke again.  I’m sure that going through this process did irreparable damage to my psyche in ways that will take years to understand, but one positive effect it had was that I’ll definitely never sit through another episode.

Fuck you, Full House.  I’m never watching you ever again.

I thought a lot about what I wanted the final moment on this site to be and the answer occurred to me about a year ago, so when I went home to visit my family over the Summer I made a special field trip just for you.  Before I get to it I just wanted to say thank you one last time.  A lot of people have written to say that I made their Friday mornings better over the last few years and I want you to know that you did the same for me.  Absolutely.

Your pal,

~Billy Superstar~

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Bonus Material, Conclusion | 141 Comments