Season 2, Episode 1, “Cutting it Close”

This Season begins with a pre-credits opener (a first for the series) that gives us a moment before the show starts to take a little breath and reacquaint ourselves with the Tanner family.   All the adults look just about the same but the kids have aged visibly, especially Stephanie, who is quickly shedding away her youthful charm.  The family gathers to play ring around the rosie with Michelle, who instead of falling down at the end, sticks her tongue out at everyone.  And with that you have a fine introduction to the Season:  an impertinent gesture from an ugly baby.   That’s right, assholes:  Welcome to Season 2.

We get right into the thick of things as we find Uncle Jesse jamming out in his room until Stephanie interrupts him.  She doesn’t give a shit about his struggling music career and is instead only concerned with whether or not he’ll play beauty parlor with her.  She tries the same fake crying routine that she used over and over again in the first season but Uncle Jesse seems to acknowledge that her cute tv kid days are rapidly approaching their end and giver her the low down about how that shit aint gonna fly no mo.   She quickly develops a new self-pity routine and he finally caves.

We all know by now that Uncle Jesse has about four character traits, and one of them is that he’s real particular about his hair.  As such, he gets a little uptight when Stephanie starts pretending to cut it with giant pointy scissors.  Joey tries to relieve some of the tension by doing his new Roger Rabbit impression (not that this show is dated or anything) and it proves to be so hilarious that it causes Stephanie to absent-mindedly cut a huge chunk out of Jesse’s magnificent mullet.

Jesse freaks the fuck out while Joey and Danny stand around laughing at him.  What a bunch of heartless pricks.  Stephanie feels guilty and decides to punish herself, which makes the audience go, “aww.”  Danny tries to have a heart to heart talk with her but despite his best efforts he just can’t find the right words to make the music come on.

Later Danny chills out in the living room and his burgeoning obsessive compulsive disorder is explored as he tries to force Michelle to stack the coffee table magazines by size and alphabetical order.   DJ enters the scene and describes to him how she stacked the dishes after washing them and Danny glares with approval.  Abruptly, Uncle Jesse enters the scene, fresh from the hospital with two broken arms.   He got into a motorcycle accident that he claims was caused by his emotional turmoil over the haircut he had to get.   He says that shit right in front of Stephanie.  That’s a grown man blaming his motorcycle accident on a botched haircut a little girl gave him, right in front of her.  Nobody even argues about this being the cause of the accident.

Jesse laments his condition, which he says will take 6 weeks to recover from.  The family try to talk him into removing his motorcycle helmet so they can see his haircut and, despite his lack of cooperation, his broken arms prevent him from deflecting their effort to remove said helmet.   Once again we find ourselves at one of those Full House moments where we’re not sure how we are supposed to react to a characters appearance.  In my opinion, Jesse’s hair looks about ten million times better, but I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to look fucked up.  So, yeah, who knows?

Jesse goes into the kitchen to get himself some cereal, refusing any help from the family all the while.  This leads to a seemingly endless physical comedy bit.  He puts bananas in his cereal and everything.  But how’s he supposed to eat it with two broken arms?  Oh, Uncle Jesse!

Jesse finally agrees to let the family help him out, which leads to a montage of hilarious scenes set to a really terrible cover of “help!”

The montage wraps up as DJ tries to help Uncle Jesse play the guitar while Stephanie keeps her distance.  Jesse has a big hissy fit and interrupts Danny’s cleaning (he’s actually dust-busting the vacuum cleaner while he vacuums… he’s really losing it…) to get him to slam the back door for him.  Jesse has a big bitch-fest in the backyard while Stephanie airs out her neurosis to Danny, claiming that she’s the cause of all of Jesse’s frustration.  I wonder how she got that idea?  Oh yeah, it probably happened when he blamed her for all his problems right in front of her and nobody contested it.

Danny interrupts Jesse kicking his ruined motorcycle in the back yard to tell him that he needs to set things right with Stephanie.  Stephanie comes out and claims that Jesse hates her, which prompts the audience to go, “aww” for like the third time this episode.  I guess they bought an “aww” sign to prompt the audience with between seasons because the “aww’s” are coming pretty free and loose all of a sudden.  Anyway, the music comes on and Jesse makes up with Stephanie.

Adding an epilogue to the story, Jesse has a little chat with Michelle.  He asks her if his haircut is better than Gary Shandling’s and she says, “no.”   He ponders his lifestyle, wondering if it isn’t time to make some personal changes.  Finally, he calls Joey to hold his weiner for him while he pees.  That’s right, assholes:  welcome to Season 2!

Firsts:  Pre-credits opener, Jesse’s new hair style, Michelle talks

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40 Responses to Season 2, Episode 1, “Cutting it Close”

  1. Pete says:

    I remember Danny getting bad ass with Jesse in this episode too. He said to him “Why don’t you tell the little rugrat she’s crazy!” or something like that. Anyway, he then pussied out and said “But tell her in a nicer way.” Come on Danny, both his arms were in a cast, that was your chance to kick his ass.


  2. Nancy says:

    Why the hell is Jesse still in his hospital gown? And nobody knew he was in the hospital in the first place?


    • Lauren H says:

      My thoughts EXACTLY! How did he even get home? Did he walk or take a cab, because obviously he wasn’t in a position to drive…


      • I always liked to imagine that the staff got tired of Uncle Jessie grabbing any nurse-ass that came within goosing range, so they slapped that helmet on him and just rolled him out the door. The hilly terrain of San Francisco allowed him to roll right to the front door. My imagination has a lot of spare time.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Kenny says:

        OMFG lmfao These comments are fucking priceless.


  3. Enea says:

    I watched this show all through my childhood, and it’s amazing how god-awful it actually is, thinking about it now.
    I’m reading all of these reviews though – they’re a trillion times funnier than the actual show. Your hate for Joey is called for, and absolutely hilarious :’)


  4. Uncle Jesse's Hair says:

    Yikes, Stephanie seems to have gotten real ugly real fast.


    • megan says:

      she is not ugly! mind ur own damm business!!!


    • Livvie says:

      She really did get ugly fast. If they had any idea how hideous she’d become later on they likely wouldn’t have cast her. *woof*


    • kitty says:

      I know! It was shocking to me even as a kid. Like, Michelle was consistently an ugly baby and later an ugly troll-like pre-schooler, but with Stephanie you see this sort of transformation taking place in the credits. Also, I believe they wanted Stephanie and Uncle Jesse to have some sort of weird “special relationship” at first, but this role later went to Michelle along with the role of the FH mascot.


  5. JT says:



  6. Zozo says:

    Get the hell over it, Jersey! Your hair looked like a dirty dust mop before, now it looks pretty smexy.


  7. Polly says:

    This episode actually got to me as a kid and still does as an adult, I hate to admit it. But my father started smoking and drinking after years of doing neither and blamed me for starting again. He said a fight he had with me (I was 13 at the time) made him get drunk and made him start smoking again. This show came out around that time and this episode really hits home.

    It just goes to show. If you pull a Full House in real life it actually comes off more like emotional abuse than comedy.


  8. Richard says:

    I can’t help but wonder who had the job of wiping Jesse’s ass.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. SteveInSanDiego says:

    It looks like Stephanie is giving Jesse the finger after she lopped off his hair in that photo. lol


  10. Kenny says:

    Danny tries to have a heart to heart talk with her but despite his best efforts he just can’t find the right words to make the music come on.



  11. megan says:

    Jesse looks alot hotter with shorter hair.


  12. Leem says:

    I can’t believe s 2×01’s review is the first that has the word “mullet” in it. It was about bloody time!


  13. Penny says:

    Sorry, but even with heartwarming speeches, The Music, and an abundance of hugs, the Tanner girls never had a chance at normalcy. Danny was DUST-BUSTING THE VACUUM! And the dishwashing and magazine-stacking regimes! And what a lesson in humility for Jesse. Who would he rather settle for helping him in the bathroom: scarily tidy brother-in-law, or the dork who might let out a Bullwinkle impression at just the wrong moment? Sorry, but I felt sorry for Jesse just now.


  14. Oh Mylanta says:

    You know what I don’t understand? Why Jesse insists on wearing a shirt when he has a half body cast on.


  15. Tee says:

    I love this website! It’s so funny! Is there anyway the order can be reversed? I know the way it is made sense for people reading while you wrote them but now it’s a pain to go through all episodes to get to first in a season and then scroll up to find the next episode…


  16. chris says:

    Oat Boats!


  17. bobsled says:

    Is it just me, or is Uncle Jesse’s cereal bowl large enough for him to take a bath in after he fills himself up with Oat Boats?


  18. Morgan says:

    Jesse was such an asshole in this episode.


  19. Hargila says:

    do you guys think they got free oat boats for life or something?


  20. Frank says:

    Jesse just had to slide the spoon a little bit up his hand. Oh and why is Stephanie yellow?


  21. Macey lambert says:

    This writer is so rude how could y’all call them ugly the only people are y’all because your ugly on the inside. You Might be pretty on the outside but you definitely are on the inside


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