Fuller House Episode 11, “Partnerships in the Night”

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Ramona practices her sweet, contemporary dance moves in her room until the baby crawls in, all wrapped up in toilet paper.  There used to be a lot of throwaway gags on the old show about the baby doing all sorts of unsupervised activities and I always felt like that was something that you couldn’t really get away with portraying in a humorous light on a tv show anymore, but I guess that I was wrong.  Anyway, DJ’s middle kid starts shouting (like, beyond his standard method of shouting) about how he’s gotta take a fat ass shit and there’s no toilet paper because the baby is crawling around wrapped up in it for no discernible reason.  DJ’s kid starts pulling toilet paper off of the baby but he keeps deciding that it’s not enough because he’s about to drop a real record-breaker in there and then finally he just grabs the whole baby, presumably because a baby covered in toilet paper is the only effective tool for scraping all the leftover shit from his asshole after the monumental dump that he’s about to take.

Stephanie comes home from a night out as DJ prepares for work.  Gosh, they’re sisters but they’re so different, and yet they still find a way to love and understand one another.  Stephanie says that she’s enjoying a flash of fame after her baseball game breakup from last episode so lots of strange men are trying to bang her.  Stephanie then asks DJ about how her Steve vs. Matt love triangle is going and there’s an awful lot of exposition here, especially for a show that’s released all at once and is probably binge-watched by most people, not to mention the fact that the storylines we’re being caught up on are pretty simple and easy to remember.  There’s also a joke about The View, and if I’m not mistaken it’s because Candace Cameron is on that show.  Is that right?  I refuse to look it up.

Kimmie Gibbler comes downstairs and tells DJ that she’s all prepared for her bosses retirement party that evening.  Man, they’ve really gotten a lot of mileage out of Kimmie Gibbler’s party planner job.  DJ says that the party theme has to be changed at the last minute because her boss has decided to retire to an ashram in Mumbai and then the audience laughs.  That’s not even a joke, it’s just information.  Anyway, the party needs to have an Indian theme at the last minute and it’s really important that everything goes just perfectly because DJ is pretty sure that her boss is going to put her in charge of the pet clinic when he retires, which would fulfill her lifelong dream.  It makes a lot of sense that his decision would be contingent on the quality of this party.  I hope this goes without a hitch, guys.  I really do.  Kimmie Gibbler’s like, I’m gonna need some help if I’m gonna change a whole party at the last minute and then DJ’s all, you should hire Stephanie because she’s unemployed and just loafs around all day before going out at night to take molly and spread gonorrhea.

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Kimmie Gibbler interviews Stephanie for the job and they do a bit where she checks her references by calling DJ, who’s standing about 10 feet behind them, and it’s sort of a little bit funny.  Kimmy Gibbler decides to hire Stephanie and then she tells her to go to Target and buy all of their Indian-looking products, of which I’m sure there are many.

Ramona and DJ’s oldest kid take DJ’s computer and try to illegally watch R-rated movies on it but they contract some sort of virus.  Has anyone ever actually gotten a computer virus that looked like this?  It’s an incredibly outdated representation, but it’s also one that wasn’t true to life even when it was being used all the time.

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The kids somehow automatically know that it’s going to cost $100 to get rid of the virus, which is more than they have.  All of a sudden DJ’s middle kid appears and is like, I got mad funds, son.  They try to do this routine where he appears by spinning around in a chair and he’s supposed to have this James Bond Villain-esque vibe but the kids physicality is just so bizarre that it barely reads.  What’s up with this kid?  He’s got a little bit of charisma in there but he also has this really unnatural quality, like he’s too fidgety and unfocused to fully commit to anything.  Like, this spinning in the chair bit almost works but then the way that he’s sitting is just so weird that you can’t stop thinking about how you’re watching a little kid try really hard to perform on a tv show.

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Down at the pet clinic, Matt asks DJ to talk to him in the only set that’s not the front waiting room and then they go in there and start making out.

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DJ’s boss/Matt’s dad walks in and Matt starts hugging him even tho I’m sure he must have a boner.  DJ’s boss/Matt’s dad says that he’s handing the clinic over to Matt and that it wouldn’t have happened if Matt didn’t wanna bang DJ so bad that he moved to San Francisco, so not only does DJ have to be passed over for her dream career that she worked really hard for, she is also made to feel like she brought it on herself.  Dang.

DJ and Matt are left alone and she’s like this shit fucking sucks ass.  He’s like, I do have a lot of experience so this isn’t just like completely blatant nepotism (I’m kind of glad that they included that detail because it makes the situation make more sense) and then DJ exhibits how qualified she is to run the clinic by taking the rest of the day off to go home and pout.

DJ’s kids and Ramona convene in the boy’s room and the middle kid continues to fall short of a likeable delivery for all of his lines.  It turns out that he’s accumulated a giant ziploc bag full of cash so he loans them they money they need, on the condition that they have to do all sorts of terrible stuff for him all the time until they pay him back.  Then he makes them rub his feet.  Man, that situation got real bad, real fast.  I also think it’s weird that these kids are handling cash in order to fix a computer problem.  Are they gonna go down to the bank to deposit the cash and then pay for the computer fixing software with their debit cards?  How is this all supposed to work exactly?

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Kimmie Gibbler comes home and asks Stephanie how her shopping trip went and then Stephanie drums up some ad revenue for the show by saying how great Target is.  Stephanie says that she thought of a great addition for the party and I’m sure you could have guessed that it would be a cow.

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Add a cow to the long list of weird shit that’s been in the kitchen.  A horse.  A car.  The Beach Boys.  Now a cow.  The kids all come down and they’re like oh damn there’s a cow in the kitchen how about that? And then DJ comes home and everyone decides all together all at once that it’s really important that DJ does not see the cow and hijinks ensue, you guys.  They really ensue.

The try-to-keep-a-family-member-from-seeing-something routine is one that has occurred on Full House more than a lot of times.  Well, here it is again.  DJ comes in and talks about how she got fucked over at the pet clinic and then, as the family all stand in a weird formation and make cow noises and stuff, she wonders if she shouldn’t just start her own clinic.  I guess maybe DJ is too involved in her own thoughts to notice her family doing a horrible job of concealing a big ass cow from her.

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Anyway, eventually she sees it and it doesn’t even end up being that big of a deal.

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Next, we see the Indian themed party.  This party makes a lot of sense because I know that I would love for my send-off to another country to be a terrible representation of it.  Who wouldn’t?  DJ’s middle kid makes Ramona and the older kid wheel him around and fan him and stuff because he’s a rotten piece of shit.  Why don’t they just tell DJ what they did?  Would the consequences be nearly as bad as this?

DJ enters the party with the baby and Matt comes over to her like damn girl you lookin mad fly and then DJ tells him that she thinks that she’s going to leave to start her own clinic.  He’s like wait let’s talk about this but of course that very second his dad grabs him and makes him go up on the stage to address the crowd.  DJ’s boss/Matt’s dad says some stuff to the party crowd and then he gets DJ to say a few words and she’s like this is some bullshit around here, Ima start my own clinic.

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Kimmie Gibbler appraoches Stephanie and she’s like, this party is a shitty failure what are we gonna do? and then Stephanie is like, I got this.

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I can’t say that I was hoping that there’d be more Stephanie dance routines, but, oh well.  She starts busting some moves and then all of a sudden the entire party launches into a choreographed dance routine, which just doesn’t make any sense at all.  Regardless, the whole party dancing together for a solid minute equals it is now a big success, and everyone rejoices.  I know that whenever I got to a party and it kind of sucks but then we all do the exact same dance (that we all know somehow) for about a minute, afterwards I’m always like, damn, that was a really good party.

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DJ’s Boss/Matt’s Dad thanks Kimmie Gibbler and Stephanie for putting together such a great party and I’m pretty sure he does an offensive Indian stereotype voice but it’s kind of hard to tell because he’s not very committed to it.  I think that he did it earlier and I wasn’t quite sure what I saw then, either.  It’s like the guy playing the part kind of knows that it’s shitty to do a voice like that but he’s not gonna pass up a paying gig over it so he just kinda half-assed it.  Or maybe he’s just really bad at it.  Anyway, DJ and Stephanie realize that they work well together so Kimmie Gibbler hires Stephanie as her party planning assistant.  Wow, I can’t wait to see more of this partnership!

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DJ’s middle kid tells the other kids that he realized that he was being a piece of shit so he’ll stop forcing them to do stuff for him.  That’s the end of that subplot.

Matt approaches DJ and he’s like, all these wacky situations kept getting in the way but I’ve been trying to ask you if you’d be my partner at the clinic.  DJ’s like, isn’t it a terrible idea to go into business with someone that you just started dating? and even though the the answer is definitely yes, she decides to do it anyway.

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No, but seriously though, that’s a really bad idea.

In other exciting news, I just launched a Kickstarter project! It’s an adult coloring book based off of 80’s tv shows that I am drawing with my podcasting partner and fellow cartoonist Carolyn Main.  You may be shocked to learn that I drew an image representing Full House to launch the project.  Check it out, and support it financially!

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Fuller House Episode 10, “A Giant Leap”

After a healthy dose of baby and dog exploitation to get the crowd going, the doorbell rings and everybody in the house excitedly rushes to the door.  Some helpful exposition is delivered which informs us that Stephanie has been dating Hunter Pence, who is one of the San Francisco Giants.  Is this guy like a famous sports guy or is he just some lame sports guy that they got because they couldn’t get a better one?  I don’t know enough about sports to evaluate this guest star.  This could be really impressive for all I know.

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The family all loom around Hunter Pence and take pictures of him and stuff while he provides stilted delivery of a bunch of one-liners.  There’s a bit about how he eats pizza with a fork that he keeps around his neck that I thought was kind of ok, but other than that they’re just photographing him and bringing up factoids about his career and shit like that.  Hunter Pence gives everyone tickets to his next Giants game and we learn that Stephanie will be singing in front of the stadium during the seventh inning stretch because of course she is.  How much do you wanna bet that she’s not the only member of this family that finds a way to ruin the game for everyone else in the stadium?  At least they have her singing in a slightly modest capacity.  She’s not doing the national anthem or anything.

Because free baseball tickets are not enough, DJ’s middle kid gets all whiney and asks Hunter Pence to hit him a foul ball during the game so he’ll have something to share for show and tell at school.  Rather than point out that show and tell is a tremendously outdated concept and even if it was still a thing it’s not his problem whether or not some shitty kid whose aunt he bangs has something to show to his stupid classmates, Hunter Pence provides a very reasonable explanation about how he’s in kind of a batting slump so he can’t guarantee whether or not he can hit a ball to an exact location within a large stadium, but he’ll try his best.  Stephanie wonders if she isn’t some sort of succubus whose maelstrom vagina is robbing him of his baseball prowess and then it turns out that there are a lot of internet rumors going around about this very theory.  The family all proceed to give Hunter Pence unsolicited batting advice that would really irritate  a working professional and then he attempts to make a gracious exit but Matt walks in and starts giving him even more advice.

Matt picks up his baseball ticket from DJ and then she’s like hey also I need to talk to you outside so they go out on the porch and she starts tugging all up on his junk.  The audience does some serious whooing.

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DJ comes back into the house and the whole family is waiting for her because they don’t care about privacy at all.  DJ’s kids approach her and she worries that they might object to her dating Matt, what with their father’s recent, tragic death and everything, plus the fact that it might make for some plausible and meaningful tension and/or drama, but the kids are just like yeah that’s fine.  DJ checks in with every single member of the house and they all say that they don’t give a shit if she dates Matt but then she realizes that she still has to tell Steve, who will probably cry like a sorry ass bitch because he’s been trying to get at that for 20 years and now he’s about to get passed over.

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Steve and DJ come back from walking their dogs together and I realized that the backyard set is really different than it was in the original series.  I guess that’s why I was confused when they had a party back there in an earlier episode.  I know that’s not very interesting but I noticed it so there.  Steve wants DJ so bad that it’s kind of disgusting and then she declares that they should have a talk.  She opens with how they’ve been spending a lot of time together lately and I’m glad that she mentioned this piece of information because we, the audience, have not seen this at all.  Steve’s like, DJ, I’m so into you that I could chain you to my radiator or cut you up and drive around with your pieces in the trunk of my car and DJ is like aw Steve that’s sweet and then he starts smooching on her.

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Even though Steve is kind of desperate and overbearing, his smooches bring about a special wetness that DJ hasn’t felt since Model’s Inc was cancelled.  She goes inside to tell Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler about it but they already know because they are creepy peepers.

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DJ realizes that she just smooched 2 guys on the same day, which is the Full House equivalent of banging a whole football team, so she decides that she’d better hurry up and settle down with one of these fellows.  She reasons that Matt is moving away soon so she’d better pick Steve, who has more long-term potential.

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After a bunch of delightfully time-consuming footage of the baseball stadium, we cut to some actual on-location scenes of the family at the game.  Not content with free front-row seats, Kimmie Gibbler brings a bunch of advertising material for her event planning business to impose onto the unsuspecting crowd.

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DJ’s oldest kid asks for money for stadium food but Matt’s all, don’t you know I’m trynna fuck your mom? and hands him his credit card.

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Lola makes an elaborate food request and Ramona does DJ’s kid a solid by being like, he can’t remember all that shit, why don’t you just go with him?  For those of you who may not recall, DJ’s oldest kid hella wants to bang Lola.  He is like the Steve to her DJ, except way less interesting.

Hunter Pence goes up to bat and he makes a very sexual hand gesture at Stephanie.  An irate baseball fan notices and starts to boo Stephanie because he deduces that she’s the one that’s supposedly causing Hunter Pence to suck at baseball.

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Immediately afterwards, Hunter Pence strikes out.  Maybe this is all because she gave him syphilis and it’s corroding his brain.  That’s my theory.  Or maybe it’s just a coincidence.

At a stadium merch shop, Lola ogles a really expensive souvenir jersey so DJ’s oldest kid decides to buy it for her with Matt’s credit card.  I can’t decide if DJ’s oldest kid is to blame for taking advantage of the situation or if Matt should blame himself for giving a horny 12-year old his credit card but either way, the purchase gives Lola a ladyboner.

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The weirdest part is that the cashier is suspicious about the kid using a credit card to make this expensive purchase but he doesn’t stop him or even ask for ID or anything.

Ramona gets all butt-hurt about being ditched by Lola after being a pretty solid wingman for DJ’s boring kid and then DJ’s other boring kid bitches and moans about his stupid fucking foul ball problem.  Man, it would really suck to take these kids anywhere.

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Matt tells DJ that he’s gonna move to San Francisco so he can continue to have non-threatening sexual chemistry with her, which makes her even more conflicted about the Matt vs. Steve situation.  Her middle kid continues to whine about catching a foul ball but then, right after Stephanie mentions how implausible such an occurrence would be, Hunter Pence hits one right to him.  Just as he’s about to catch it, the same irate baseball fan that scowled at Stephanie earlier catches the ball and starts to tell DJ’s kid about how life is hard and you don’t get what you want most of the time, which really must be the first time that this kid has heard this kind of thing in his whole life. Actually, all of the people from the full house must be getting a real news flash right about now.

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DJ’s oldest kid takes Lola up to some romantic lookout spot and talks her into letting him put his arm around her, which by 12-year-old Full House terms is like going all the way.  What a baller!

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Kimmie Gibbler and Romana do some guerilla advertising for Kimmie Gibbler’s business, which gets them thrown out of the stadium.  Feeling as though the crowd hasn’t been through enough, Stephanie comes out onto the field to sing.

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The irate baseball fan immediately starts booing her and I felt conflicted because his behavior seemed pretty unnecessary and yet, it sure was nice to see her get booed.  In some ways you might even call this man a hero.

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The crowd turns on Stephanie’s incredibly cheap looking greenscreen performance (like, they couldn’t even position her so it looked like she was standing on the field?  They really had to put her at the bottom of the screen like that?) and then she asks them if they want her to break up with Hunter Pence, which they do.  She calls their relationship off in front of everyone and then has an emotional outburst that leads to her being escorted away by security and you’d think I’d be used to how hard these people ruin every event that they go to by now but this was kinda some next level shit.

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The Kiss Cam comes on and DJ and Matt show up on it but she kisses her annoying kid instead.  Since everything that ever happens has to be about these fucking people, the camera repeatedly cuts back to DJ and Matt until she finally kisses him.  Naturally, we learn right at this moment that Steve is also at the game so he sees the whole thing.  He couldn’t even be watching it on tv.  He had to be there.

As the family leave the stadium, Hunter Pence goes up to bat again and hits a game-winning home run which of course DJ’s stupid fucking kid catches because there’s just no way that he was going to learn a lesson about unreasonable requests or not getting what you want all the time.

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By the way, that’s the last we’ll see of Hunter Pence.  What an odd story they gave him.  It feels totally unresolved, but that’s really the end of it.

Back at the fuller house, Lola apologizes to Ramona for breaking the chicks before dicks rule and then she asks DJ’s oldest kid what the repercussions were for spending all of that money on Matt’s credit card but there’s not much to report.  I guess Matt wants to bang DJ bad enough that he’s willing to get ripped off by her kid.  Well, that was a great subplot.

Steve shows up and then Matt comes over about 5 seconds later.  People always arrive at the fuller house in rapid succession, and yet they never seem to see each other outside first.  Anyway, both of the guys are like what the fuck, DJ, which one of us can claim you as our rightful property?  DJ says, “this is the second time today you guys were in the same place at the same time” and I’m pretty sure that she was talking about her vagina.

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DJ fumbles through a reasonable explanation of how this all came about but the two guys are too busy sizing up each other’s dicks the whole time.  Matt refers to the undeniable chemistry of their first kiss and then we get a flashback of it because it was like 2 whole episodes ago.

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The only thing that could make a flashback from such a recent moment any weirder would be having the actors poorly superimposed over the scene, making comments about it.  It looks as bad as when Stephanie sang at the baseball game, and it doesn’t even make any sense or add to the story at all.  We also get a flashback of DJ and Steve at their prom, which is also pretty unnecessary but at least it didn’t JUST happen so it’s a little more appropriate.

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It sort of feels like they decided to have the Steve flashback in there, which is kind of understandable, but then they wanted to balance out the sequence so they added the Matt flashback from a few episodes ago, but since it was such a recent scene, they thought that they could do something interesting with it by adding superimposed commentary from the characters but then they couldn’t think of anything clever for them to say or do so the whole thing just ended up being a big waste of time.

DJ’s finally like, I’m just trying to get back into dating for the first time after my husband’s fiery death so this is like too much bullshit to deal with and then the guys both agree to stop competing for her for like 10 seconds before they get right back into it.  They both make date plans with her and then they try to smooch her at the same time, which results in them accidentally smooching each other, which was kinda magical.  Wouldn’t it be great if Steve and Matt ended up together at the climax of all this.  Oh what a climax that would be.

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Both guys go home and then Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler come in and are like damn, everybody’s trynna stick it to you, DJ, and that’s the end.

Although all the baseball game stuff really brought out the worst of this show, what with all the “let’s ruin a public event for everyone but us” bullshit that happened, I do think that this overarching narrative is actually sort of interesting.  My natural inclination is to want DJ to end up with Steve because he’s proven to be as corny and wholesome as she is and they have a whole history together.  On the other hand, he’s also sort of desperate and creepy and Matt seems to be the more fuckable of the two, so who knows?  I’m almost a little bit interested to find out what happens.

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Fuller House Episode 9, “War of the Roses”

Aunt Becky comes downstairs to greet the family for breakfast and the audience loses their minds.  I’m not sure if it’s because this is the return of an original cast member or because of the way that her ass looks in profile.

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Oh, Aunt Becky’s ass, you’ve aged like the finest of wines.

DJ delivers a few lines of exposition about how Danny came by the house before the Wake Up, San Francisco reunion and now Becky is there after, but they really don’t explain why their time there is divided up like that.  Wouldn’t they be there for the reunion at the same time?  Well, whatever.  They start up a bit about Becky sounding all insane while she talks to the baby that’s sort of a holdover from the series’ pilot and will carry on throughout the episode.  Apparently Becky’s menopausal uterus never met its quota.

DJ’s middle kid suddenly appears and starts yelling about how there’s something really cool in the living room.  He really does just appear out of nowhere.  It’s really oddly edited.  Actually, a lot of moments with this kid have quick edits, like they get a moment that they like from him but he fucks it up right after delivering the line or something, so they just cut it real quick.  This one’s extra weird, though, because it looks like he jumps out from behind the counter.

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The moms all go into the living room to discover that a thousand flowers have been delivered to the full house.  I guess that’s a romantic gesture and everything but, like, think about what it would be like once all those flowers started wilting.  It would be a huge pain in the ass to get rid of them.  Anyway, Nobody can find the card because the dog sneaks away with it (no fooling!) so everyone is left to speculate about where they came from.  Kimmie Gibbler assumes that they’ve been sent by Fernando as a reconciliatory gesture but Stephanie thinks that they could be for her, but she remains unsure of whether they’re from the guy that she recently contracted syphilis from or the guy that she recently gave syphilis to.  DJ wonders if they’re from Matt but concludes that they couldn’t be because that would really be an over-the-top gesture, given that they just made out one time.  Then it’s hypothesized by the group that they could be from Steve, who is more desperate than ever, after all these years, to finally see DJ’s tit.

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Becky calls Steve and hands DJ the phone, which was a pretty dickish move, and then I had a really hard time hearing anything that Steve said on the phone because he’s at his podiatrist job and the fake foot that they’ve got him working on is really distractingly fucked up looking.  Regardless, I was able to take in that the flower sender guy was not Steve.  That’s right, you guys, he’s never gonna see that tit.  Never.

With the mystery of who sent the flowers looming larger in the fuller house, Becky declares that she cannot leave until it’s solved.  She says that her marriage has run out of excitement so she needs to live vicariously through this event, and then she starts talking to the baby in a baby voice about how she always has to unload the dishwasher because Jesse won’t do it.  This is only a small glimpse into how badly being married to Jesse for all these years has fucked her life up.  It is only the tiniest of glimpses, and yet is so very hard to watch.

Ramona comes home with her friend, Lola, who DJ’s oldest kid has a real raging boner for, and Lola greets him with, “hi, dude.”  Ramona takes DJ’s kid aside and tells him that being called “dude” means that he is now in the friend zone, and therefore has Steve-level chances of ever gettin’ to second base.  After a thread of logic that I was unable to follow, DJ’s oldest kid decides that he will make Lola an offer of 1,000 M&M’s so she will finally learn to see him as more than friends.  I can’t really evaluate the quality of this logic because I was just completely lost.

Down at the pet clinic, Matt confronts DJ, letting her know that he really wants to get all up in that sweet puss puss, and he’s willing to pay for a dinner to make it happen.  DJ agrees to go out with him and then he makes a passing remark about how she didn’t mention the flowers that he got her, which DJ assumes to mean that he is the 1,000 flower sender guy.  I mean, it’s a pretty reasonable deduction, based on what’s presented.  She decides that he’s a big creep, which, all things considered, is kinda fair, really, and then she fakes a tooth injury in order to break the date.  Although I can understand her desire to get out of this obligation, this was a pretty weasely way to do it.

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There’s a really brief scene of DJ’s oldest kid finishing his count of 1,000 M&M’s and then we see Stephanie on the phone, talking to the last potential guy who may have sent the roses for her.  When she finds out that she is not the recipient of the flowers, Stephanie wonders if she’ll ever find a real relationship, and then she gets a text from someone who she claims is her husband.  When Becky’s like, “your whaaaAAAAAaaat!??!” we get a flashback of the episode where Stephanie gets pretend married to her little Asian friend Harry.

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The clip is pretty great because it’s long and I don’t feel obligated to describe it since I reviewed the whole episode like 4 years ago.  The only thing I feel compelled to mention is the weird blurring effect they do over the edges of the frame, presumably because the old show had a different aspect ratio.  Or maybe it’s artfully done, to make it feel more like a memory.  Yeah, that’s why.

So, anyway, Stephanie gets a vague text from Harry, which she decides must mean that he is the one who sent the roses.  She wonders if she shouldn’t give Harry a chance after all these years and tries to talk herself into being interested (always a good sign), finally reasoning to Aunt Becky that, “he was a lot of fun in bed.”  Becky is shocked by this statement but Stephanie clarifies that she is referring to how they used to jump on her bed together, which is a pretty forced innuendo.  It’s also pretty weird to see how shocked Becky is by this statement, and how relieved she is to find out what it really means.

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Like,  the show has made quite an effort to make it seem like Stephanie goes out cruisin’ for strange d on the regular, so who cares if she banged Harry, too?

DJ’s middle kid walks into his room and finds the oldest kids collection of 1,000 M&M’s and a note written for Lola that looks just like the one that Mary Kay Letourneau wrote before the first time that she got arrested.

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He assumes that the note and M&M’s are for him and immediately starts devouring the candy.

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Fernando comes over and Kimmie Gibbler is all up on him immediately.  She thanks him for sending the roses and, since there doesn’t seem to be any way to prove that he didn’t, he takes the credit.

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DJ goes into the baby’s room to talk to Aunt Becky but the whole scene gets derailed by a lengthy sequence of Becky showing off the baby in a variety of different outfits.  Despite Becky’s unnerving, manic enthusiasm, the sequence is pretty alright because it’s edited together so that the baby is suddenly wearing a new outfit every time the camera cuts to him, giving the whole thing a sort of humorous, surreal quality to it.  I also have to admit that the baby is pretty darn cute, so as much as I feel like my intelligence is being discredited, I do find myself kind of enjoying his little outfits.

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Anyway, DJ talks to Becky about how freaked out she is about Matt sending all the flowers and it’s one of those scenes where one person does all the talking, reaches their own conclusion and then thanks the other person for their advice.  In this case it does seem like it’s in DJ’s best interest to only listen to herself because Aunt Becky has clearly lost her damn mind.  DJ concludes that she has to break things off with Matt because guys who make such grand gestures that early on are usually like serial killers or something.

DJ’s oldest kid finds the Mary Kay Letourneau note, which was filled out by the middle kid, but he assumes that Lola was the one who checked “yes” and so he goes into Ramona’s room to spit some more game.  Having discovered newfound confidence due to this hilarious misunderstanding, DJ’s middle kid confronts Lola and starts saying all sorts of weird, out of character shit, like calling her “boo” and referring to himself as “J-money.”  The best (and by best I mean worst) part is when he says, “it’s gon’ be off the chain, bae.”  I don’t even know what they’re going for here.  My best guess is it’s just an old, out of touch writer’s attempt to be like, “kids these days… this is how they talk.”  Anyway, DJ’s middle kid enters the scene and the weave that has been woven is untangled.  The oldest kid asks Lola out and she’s like, “sure, whatever” so they set up a kid date that’s basically just them hanging out at the mall with a bunch of other kids.  The middle kid ends up getting to go, too, because he’s all about ruining everything.

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The dog comes in and stashes a shoe under one of the beds, which leads the kids to discover that a whole bunch of shit is hidden under there.  There’s a joke about Ramona’s One Direction pillow being one of the excavated items, which she’s supposed to be embarrassed to have, I guess.  I didn’t really know what to make of it because I have no context for One Direction.  I felt as out of touch as that off the chain author.

Stephanie comes downstairs all dressed up because she wants to bag Harry and then DJ and Kimmie Gibbler come into the room and they all debate who the flower sender guy was some more.  Suddenly, each of the flower sender guy suspects shows up, one by one but also in rapid succession.  One of them is grown up Harry!  Check it out, guys!  It’s grown up Harry!

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Becky makes all the men sit on the couch and interrogates each of them even though this whole thing could be wrapped up in about 5 seconds if a simple, straightforward question was posed to the group.  The interrogative way that Becky is questioning them is also really weird, considering that sending the flowers wasn’t a crime or anything.  Anyway, it turns out that when Matt said that he got DJ flowers he was just referring to a few that he left for her at work.  Becky continues her inappropriately angry questioning of the men and it turns out that none of them sent the flowers.

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DJ’s middle kid comes in with a pile of stuff that the dog stashed under his bed, including the note that came with the flowers.  Unfortunately, the dog chewed up the signature on the note, leading this revelation, and this whole dog-hiding-stuff sub-plot, actually, to be completely irrelevant.

Each of the women have an interaction with the man that they suspected of sending them the flowers, one after another, which is just how people interact in real life.  Whenever I’m paired up in a room, me and the person I’m with say some stuff to each other, and then we stand there in silence because it’s another pair of people’s turn to talk.  Kimmie Gibbler and Fernando have another dysfunctional flirtation, DJ clears things up with Matt and they make a plan for an actual date, and Stephanie finds out that Harry was only getting in touch to invite her to his wedding.

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Suddenly, out of nowhere, Jesse walks into the house and it’s revealed that he was the flower sender guy.  I guess he decided to not be a completely shitty husband for once, if only for the purpose of creating a lot of confusion in the fuller house.

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After everything’s all cleared up, the moms drink away their failed adulthoods in the dining area.  Stephanie worries about her shallow existence and DJ feels weird about dating again after her husbands horrible death.  That guy would probably be spinning in his grave right now except that he got all burned up, so he’s probably just a pile of ashes.  Maybe there’s like a little whirlwind in his urn right now.  Everyone hugs and consoles each other and it’s not really that mushy or emotionally manipulative.  This show’s way better at delivering genuine emotional moments than the original series, probably because the actors are more seasoned and there isn’t gentle music playing.  By not trying as hard to make you feel a certain way, it’s actually doing a way more effective job.  Anyway, each of the moms reveal that they stole some of Becky’s flowers and then that’s it.

Posted in Fuller House | 38 Comments

Fuller House Episode 8, “Secrets, Lies and Firetrucks”

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Kimmie Gibbler wakes up on the couch next to Fernando and she’s like, “aw shit, what have I done?”  Fernando is startled awake and quickly provides very naturalistic exposition about how they just fell asleep next to each other while watching a movie, because even married people can’t have sex on a family friendly show like this, apparently.  Or maybe married people can, but people who are separated can’t.  Where’s the line?  I do not know.  Anyway, they contemplate getting back together but decide that it could really make for a wacky premise if they kept their goings-on a secret for a while, so they agree to smuggle Fernando out of the house, unseen by everyone else.

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DJ’s kids walk in on the dog tearing up the couch and they each shit one brick.  The younger kid is like, “game over, man” just like the dad from Big Love in Aliens but then they older kid is like, “we can just lie our way out of this.”  The younger kid is so pure of heart that he cannot quite grasp the concept but the older kid quickly schools him in the art of fibbery.  Basically, you can just say whatever you want.  The younger kid tries to frame the baby for destroying the couch and when DJ finds out she doesn’t really get mad or reprimand him at all for trying to pull a fast one on her, which may not be great parenting, actually.

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Kimmie Gibbler makes an effort to distract the family as they eat breakfast while Fernando’s legs dangle conspicuously from the roof  in the background for way too long.  He falls, which is also incredibly conspicuous and loud, and then he shambles into the house all covered in leaves and nervously babbles for like a minute straight, making a serious of totally unnecessary statements that make it painfully obvious that he just crawled out of Kimmie Gibbler’s window upstairs.

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He’s like, “I just came over to bang Kimmie Gibbler and then crawl out the window, I mean, pick up Ramona.”  You have to imagine that in a really over-the-top Latin sterotype accent, though, where all the e’s are eee’s and there are a bunch of extra h’s at the beginning of words.  Even though it could not be more overtly clear what is happening here, no one suspects a thing.  Instead the exchange becomes about how Fernando wants to take Ramona to the zoo and she’s like, “I don’t wanna do that little kid shit anymore.  Let’s go get our anuses bleached instead.”  There’s a bit about Fernando being sad that Ramona doesn’t want to go to the American Girl doll store anymore and it reminded me that Fernando has a little sprinkle of delightful femininity inside of him.  There was a whole thing in an earlier episode about him being a hairdresser and that, coupled with this new moment, is enough to make him slightly more than completely one-dimensional.

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Danny shows up at the door and, man, you never heard an audience whoo so hard in your life.  Those motherfuckers went whoo with such enthusiasm, I couldn’t believe it.  Danny and Kimmie Gibbler go right back into their spirited interactions, including yet another meta-routine.  Danny is apparently in town for the Wake Up, San Francisco reunion show (although didn’t he just leave to do a national version of the show?  Why would they have a reunion show so soon afterwards.  Also, shouldn’t Aunt Becky be on this show, too?  Where is she?  And they really didn’t need an explanation about why Danny is visiting anyway.  They could have had him just show up to visit because this is his family.  They didn’t need some half-assed excuse that doesn’t even make sense.  The absence of an explanation would have made more sense than the one we’re given) and Kimmie Gibbler makes a comment about how sad and lame it is when old, shitty shows have dumb ass reunions.  It’s delightfully self-deprecating, even if Bob Saget can’t stop grimacing his way through all of his lines.

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Danny discovers that the dog fucked up the couch and he takes a big ol’ dump right in his pantaloons.  He calls the couch a “classic antique” and it made me wonder if this is the same couch that they had throughout the original series.  I mean, I’m sure it’s a reproduction, but did the old couch look like this one?  I really can’t remember.  They coulda had a bunch of different couches on the old show for all I know.  What did strike me is how small that couch is, considering  that like a billion people seem to live in that house at any given time.

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The next scene is another one of those weird ones where one of the kids is hanging out with his friend and a bunch of other kids are there, too, but they’re all off to the side, not saying anything.  They’re just standing there like a bunch of rubes (in order of height) while DJ’s middle kid and his friend talk shit to each other.  It’s really weird.  The only speaking kid keeps talking about how cool his dad is but DJ’s middle kid is like, “my dad’s dead but before that he was hella cooler than your punk ass dad”.  DJ’s middle kid concocts a lie about how he can get a ride from a firetruck whenever he wants because his dad was such a cool fireman but then his friend is like, “you’re a lying cocksucker.  The only way you can prove that this isn’t fucking bullshit is if you bring a firetruck to my birthday party tomorrow.”  DJ’s middle kid is like, “it’s on, bitch.”

Danny laments the passing of the couch and he shares some fond memories with Stephanie, who wistfully recalls all the times that she got fingerbanged on that nostalgic piece of furniture.  At least that’s what I think she said.  I was pretty distracted by Bob Saget’s big, puffy head.

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DJ comes in and asks Danny for advice about dating after ones partner’s tragic death.  What an odd thing for them to have in common.  Anyway, DJ says that her co-worker, Matt, makes her pussy turn into a big sloppy puddle in her tight mom jeans whenever he’s around but she’s having reservations about letting him stick it in.  At least that’s what I think she said.  I was pretty distracted by Bob Saget’s big, puffy head.

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DJ’s middle kid confronts the older one about how the repercussions of his tutorial in dishonesty have really fucked his shit up because now he’s gotta figure out how to get a firetruck to show up at his dumb friend’s birthday party.  The older kid is like, “too bad our dad’s a smoldering corpse or he coulda hooked that shit up, no problem.”  He decides that, rather than let his little brother deal with the consequences of being a shitty liar, he’s going to figure out a way to make the fire truck fabrication become the truth.

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Danny takes the boys down to the fire station to take advantage of some unfortunate firemen.  The middle kid practices his “cute” expressions that will supposedly convince a fireman to let him ride in the truck and it’s the first time this new show has really matched the original series’ overbearingly smug attitude.  Like, I don’t wanna watch some shitty kid demonstrate how fucking cute he thinks he is.

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So apparently a new fire chief has been hired since the kids’ dad was horribly burned alive  and he has actual standards for his practice so he’s not just gonna let some shitty entitled kids borrow one of his firetrucks just to cover up some totally unnecessary lie.  Good for him!  I mean, really, what the fuck did these kids think was gonna happen?  Why did Danny even agree to take them down to the station?  Did they explain to him that they were doing all of this just to make some kid look like an asshole at his own birthday party?  Anyway, the fire chief recognizes Danny as the host of Wake Up, San Francisco and it turns out that he was supposed to be on the show like 25 years ago as “the singing fireman” but he got bumped so he refuses to help the kids because he’s petty and bitter, rather than all of the completely logical reasons that he should decline their request.

Meanwhile, down at the pet clinic, DJ and Matt have totally raging boners for each other.  She is really charmed when he spits an eggroll back into the container, probably because it shows that he can be as tactless and obnoxious as the people that she loves most.  They talk about their mutual hesitation to get back into dating after DJ’s husband’s horrible, tragic death and Matt’s divorce and then, just as DJ is about to head home, they start making out and the audience goes whoo so intensely, you’d think that Danny had just shown up.

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After their smoochfest, DJ says, “oh my lanta” and I thought I’d mention it because I’m cursed with recognizing it as her deeply unpopular catchphrase from the original series.

Ramona comes home with Fernando and shows Kimmie Gibbler a video of the race car course he let her drive on.  This show really has a lot of shots of people’s hands holding phones while something happens on the screen.

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Kimmie Gibbler gets hella pissed at Fernando for letting their daughter take part in such a dangerous activity and then her act of reprimanding him turns into some weird, gross courtship thing for them.

Stephanie wonders why DJ and Kimmie Gibbler are both walking around all daydreamy and shit and she asks, “you didn’t find my brownies, did you?” which isn’t a great adult joke, but points for trying, I guess.  DJ and Kimmie Gibbler both say that they have a really big secret to share even though whatever they’re going to say can’t really qualify as a secret given the fact that they’re about to tell literally half of the people they ever talk to in the world.  Anyway, all the hot schlong that Kimmie Gibbler and DJ have been getting is revealed and then Stephanie is hella mad that she’s the only one that nobody is stickin’ it to so she leaves to go cruise for some strange d.

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Danny plays poker with DJ’s kids and declares that he has a full house but then DJ’s older kid has higher cards, making for a “fuller house” and I think that’s enough self-referential moments.

DJ’s middle kid walks over the to the other side of the room to pout and DJ’s sort of starts to tell him about the repercussions of being a shitty ass liar but then she just starts talking to both of her kids about how much they look like their dad and how his memory will live on in them or some shit like that and I’m really not sure why that’s the direction this scene took.  For a show that’s so often about heavy-handed, moralistic lessons, they seem to have really lost track of what they were supposed to be teaching us here.

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Stephanie takes Danny into the living room to unveil the new couch, which looks exactly like the old couch.  When the audience sees it they all go whoo and I couldn’t really figure out why.  She also gives him a jacket made from the covering of the original couch and he loves it because he’s the tackiest motherfucker who ever walked the planet.

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So it turns out that Danny got his cameraman to film the fire chief singing under a false pretense that it would air on his show and in exchange DJ’s stupid kid gets to drive to the party in a firetruck and give everyone else rides, too.  I wonder how many people died in a fire while this truck was being used to help DJ’s stupid kid get away with some fabrication he pulled out of his ass.  Well, DJ’s kid probably would probably have ultimately resorted to setting the birthday kids house on fire to get a firetruck there so I guess this sort of breaks even. Seriously, though, what the fuck is the takeaway supposed to be here?

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Well, at least they filmed an actual outdoor scene of the firetruck pulling up to the party.  It looks like it may have actually cost something to produce.  So, points for that at least.

 

Posted in Fuller House | 43 Comments

Fuller House Episode 7, “Ramona’s Not-So-Epic Party”

Kimmie Gibbler’s no-good, soon-to-be-ex-husband fucks up when he’s supposed to pick up their daughter’s birthday cake and accidentally gets one that’s meant for a priest who is retiring from a lifetime of molesting young boys.

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I know that not all priests molest young boys and everything but I just want you all to look at that picture one more time and try to tell me that the creators didn’t go out of their way to pick the guy with the most boy molestingest face imaginable to put on that cake.

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There’s just no way that guy hasn’t molested a lot of young boys.

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So, anyway, Ramona is turning 13 and her big wish is for her parents to get along.  They vow to make this wish come true and then they give her some fancy shoes that she has a hard time walking in.

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Meanwhile, down at DJ’s pet clinic, Steve shows up and he’s like please baby baby please baby baby baby please but DJ is like, “remember how my husband got burned alive in a fire?  I’m still all fucked up over that.  We can hang out if you want but there’s no way I’m lettin’ you stick it in,” and Steve is down, probably because not having sex with DJ gives him fond memories of when they dated in high school.  Matt, the new guy that DJ works with, enters the scene with Steve’s dog and Steve is like who the fuck is this mufucka?

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Steve gets all threatened by Matt’s masculine swagger and decides that the best way to prevent him from having sexual tension with DJ is to fix him up with Kimmie Gibbler.  DJ actually thinks that setting Matt up with Kimmie Gibbler is a good idea so she invites him to Ramona’s party because nothing makes a girl’s 13th birthday more memorable than a strange man coming over to fuck her mom.

DJ wonders why she feels compelled to clean the fuller house before the kids’ party and then there’s an extended close-up of her dusting a terrifying photo of Danny’s horrible face.

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Man, if I had a picture like that in my place I’d never sleep again.  DJ’s middle kid comes in and starts talking about how much trouble he’s having with training the dog to stop shitting in the house.  Why is this his responsibility?  I know that he should be learning how to take care of the dog and everything but it seems pretty obvious that this kid doesn’t-and shouldn’t be expected to-have the capacity to housetrain a dog.  He’s like 8 years old.  Regardless, DJ’s just like, handle that shit, with no help from me.

Ramona comes home with her parents and makes a meta-joke about the dress that she just bought, which was designed by the Olsen twins.  It’s slightly more subtle than the show’s last onscreen comment about the Olsen twins because the actors don’t all stop and stare at the camera for 30 seconds this time.

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Stephanie walks into DJ’s oldest kid’s room as he covers himself with cheap cologne and stupid accessories because he hella wants to bang one of Ramona’s friends.  Stephanie talks him into removing all of the stupid accessories and I guess it’s supposed to be a valuable life lesson about being who you are or whatever but it could also just be about choosing better accessories.  I kind of think that he should have kept the huge gold chain, tho.

There’s a whole scene with DJ’s middle kid making the dog sit on a little plastic potty that’s entirely designed to make us go, “aww.”  It is a pretty cute dog but even still, I feel like my intelligence is being insulted here.

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Ramona gets all dressed up for her party and then, while she takes pictures with her parents, Matt shows up and he and DJ share some more of that delightful will-they-or-won’t-they tension.  It’s done well enough to almost make you give a shit about what will happen.  Matt is supposed to be introduced to Kimmie Gibbler but she and Fernando are all groping each other and shit while they get their photos taken together so Matt’s like why you trynna hook me up with some woman who’s still all up on her ex-husband?  Good question!

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The next thing we see is Ramona’s birthday party, which looks pretty alright.  Where is this supposed to be exactly?  I’m not really clear on that…

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Anyway, DJ’s oldest kid tries to hit on Ramona’s friend, Lola, and he fucks it up because he’s a sorry ass chump.  Just as Stephanie prepares to subject everyone to her tasteless electronic garbage music the power goes out, denying the one true cure for all of these poor kids who are clearly suffering from dance fever.  Stephanie tries to salvage the party by playing music from her iphone but it doesn’t work because it’s a terrible idea.

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Inside the house, DJ’s middle kid worries that the power going out is a sign of the zombie apocalypse.  Oh, so I guess that means that the party was taking place in the backyard.  I couldn’t really tell.  Anyway, DJ’s middle kid interrogates DJ to find out if she’s a zombie and then he starts wondering if the baby is a zombie, which the audience really finds hilarious for some reason, probably just because they like looking at the baby.

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Stephanie frantically tries to get the party back on track and suggests that everyone enjoys some cake while they wait for the power to come back on.  Unfortunately, she takes the cover off the cake only to discover that it’s melted.

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Is the cake melting supposed to be related to the power going out, or are these problems unrelated?  It seems really odd to me that no one would have thought about an ice cream cake melting.  How long was it sitting out there?  Anyway, long story short, Stephanie kind of flails around and tries to make the party suck less ass but it’s a lost cause.

DJ and Matt find Kimmie Gibbler standing alone in the kitchen so DJ takes it as an opportunity to introduce them, in a sexy way.  Unfortunately, Kimmie Gibbler immediately starts choking but Matt has the good sense to administer the Heimlich maneuver.

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Kimmie Gibbler hugs Matt with gratitude after he saves her life but, wouldn’t you know it?  Fernando walks in right then and misinterprets their interaction and then, in true cartoon Latin stereotype fashion, he challenges Matt to like a duel or something.

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DJ and Kimme Gibbler explain that Matt was saving Kimmie Gibbler from choking and then Fernando starts thanking and kissing him.  Man, this guy can’t turn it down a notch for even one second.

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Matt decides to leave so DJ walks him out and the sexual tension between them as they say goodbye is like a sauna, you guys.  It’s just that hot and steamy.  Right as Matt is about to whip it out, DJ opens the front door and Steve is standing there, fully ready to murder DJ if she won’t return his affections.  Seriously, I like Steve and everything, but he’s being a real fucking creep right here.

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Ramona walks in on her parents arguing and she’s like wah wah wah my party sucks a fat dick and my stupid parents won’t stop fighting and then she runs upstairs to pout like a stupid baby and the audience kind of softly goes, “aww.”  This show is all about acknowledging what was bad about the original show while still doing it anyway.  Like, we’re supposed to know that it’s hokey when the audience goes, “aww” but if they do it kinds of subtly it’s ok, or like a throwback or something.

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So Kimmie Gibbler and Fernando go up to Ramona’s room and they’re like sorry that we’re such shitty parents.  Ramona says that she wishes that they could get along and they’re pretty real about how they have a really dysfunctional relationship but they still love her and want to be good parents.  I actually think that this is fairly well done.  Like, they clearly still wanna bang each other but they can’t work it out as married people so they’re trying to balance that out because they’re both devoted to their kid.  That’s some real shit that happens and it’s presented here as a complicated situation, not one that has a simple solution.  Again, I’m basing my praise off of incredibly low standards but, all things considered, I thought that this was not terrible.

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Everyone from the party comes into Ramona’s room and sings her happy birthday while carrying cupcakes with candles in them.  I’m not sure where the cupcakes came from but whatever.  Just as things seem to be turning out ok the power comes back on because everyone has to get what they want all the time on these shows and then Ramona alludes to her birthday wish being for her parents to get back together. That’s probably what will end up happening, if for no other reason than to prove me wrong for trying to give this show some credit.

All the kids start dancing to Stephanie’s horrible doo doo beats and then DJ’s oldest kid tries asks Ramona’s friend that he has a boner for if he can dance near her and she’s like I don’t give a fuck what you do, which he takes as a victory.

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After the party, Ramona expresses her gratitude to her parents for making sure that she had an only kind of shitty birthday and then she leaves them to have a moment alone.  They sorta patch things up and then they start dry humping and DJ’s middle kid sees the whole thing, which will surely cause him to be sexually dysfunctional in a few years.  I mean, he might be already.  He was hiding in the doghouse with that dog and there was some serious barking going on.  Anyway, Kimmie Gibbler tells him that he has to keep the dry-humping a secret because it might make for a somewhat intriguing multi-part storyline, what with this Netflix binge-all-the-episodes-at-once model and everything, and then DJ comes out and asks what’s going on and no one will tell her.  What a cliffhanger!

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Posted in Fuller House | 37 Comments

Bonus Post: An Interview with a Full House Fan

I’m taking this week off from reviewing Fuller House because otherwise I felt like I was going to go mentally insane but I did not want to leave my beloved readers in the lurch (I know how much you count on me for providing material with which to shirk your duties at your jobs) so I conducted this interview with an actual real-life Full House fan.  I’ve met a handful of people beyond the computer screen as a result of writing this dumb blog (shout-outs to my internet husbands David and Austin, Amanda and Maria on the East Coast, Carrie in Seattle and Mary from poker night, to name a few) and one thing that they have in common is that they are all total weirdos.  But perhaps the most perplexing individual I’ve crossed paths with is internet author Jess Tholmer, who actually, genuinely likes Full House.  Like, what’s the fuckin’ deal with that shit?  She was kind enough to let me grill her about it, and I thought I’d share the results with all of you:

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FHR: So, are you really a fan of Full House?  Like, you actually think it’s a good show?

JTholmz: YES, I really am a fan of Full House. Like I honestly think it’s a really good show, for what it is.

I clearly don’t think it’s like…The Sopranos or some other good show that people like, but I do think it’s good.

How can you justify liking this piece of shit show? Are you crazy or something?

Haha well, yeah, probably a little crazy but I SUPER believe in the power of nostalgia and I think most of it comes from that. Like when it’s on TV, I feel genuine warmth in my soul. It’s like hanging out at a relative’s house or something. But like, relatives that don’t hate me and say racist stuff.

There is no reason to really HATE the show, in my opinion. It’s not laugh-out-loud hilarious, but it is very watchable!

Is it like hanging out with your pushy, narcissistic relatives who won’t shut the fuck up ever?

Haha well, yeah, kinda. I feel much more fond of the Tanners for the most part than my actual distant family.

I’m not crazy, though! Like, I definitely think Joey is really annoying.

What do you mean when you say it’s very watchable? 

It’s just really unoffensive, relatively entertaining, easy background noise at the very least. You don’t have to worry about changing the channel if kids are in the room (I mean, duh). I liken it to how I feel about The Beatles’ music. Like it’s familiar and can be on in a shop or something without having to worry about the audience.

I KNOW The Beatles’ music is kinda trippy, but kids don’t know that!

Yeah, why don’t you just take a big shit on John Lennon’s grave after making that comparison?

Hahaha I know, that was awful. Don’t tell my mom.

I get what you mean about it being watchable.  There’s something about having it on that sort of numbs your brain or something. I worry sometimes that I have become a dumber person for having watched so much Full House.  Do you ever worry about that? 

Look, my mom used to tell me that I didn’t have enough brain cells to waste to keep me from doing stuff that causes kids to lose brain cells and most of that probably came from the Full House obsession. I don’t mind being kinda dumb because of Full House.

I think maybe it kept me wholesome though! I was such a square kid!

When you watch Full House, do you laugh at the jokes?  Like you genuinely think it’s funny?

I HAVE laughed at the jokes but it’s not like a constant stream of laughter. I’m not wiping the tears away or anything.

Though Fuller House genuinely made me laugh WAY more than I thought it would. I thought it’d be eye rolls for the most part.

The function of the show seems to be primarily to make people laugh… But that doesn’t seem to be what you’re getting out of it.  What’s it doing for you? 

I don’t necessarily know if that was the real intent of the show. Were any “family” sitcoms back in the day actually that funny? Besides Fresh Prince, I can’t think of really laughing out loud at any of them. I think it was like the 80s-90s era of just presenting people with warmth and functional families and that’s what we expected from our Friday night sitcoms.

So I guess that’s what I got from it. I don’t want to cue the violin music but my family is pretty dysfunctional but the Tanners were so not that and I loved it. I also have three brothers and no sisters or women in my life really so I think I envied their like “you stole my clothes!!!” storylines.

You’ve alluded to liking the show as a response to your own family issues a few times… Do you see the Tanner’s as a sort of ideal family?  Or closer to the family that you wish you’d had?

I want to say yes to that, but I honestly don’t think that’s true. I WILL say, I come from a mixed family and I have really grown into being super duper proud of that and I have a lot of issues with hella white families so it’s kind of a weird thing that I love the Tanners and Full House so much. I mean, I don’t dislike white people by any means but I never really relate to them, and I guess I never really did. I related to Fresh Prince more than Full House. I DO think that the aspect of caring for each other no matter what, like the Tanners do, is really appealing.

And big families are really awesome. Like I used to love the movie Cheaper By the Dozen because having 12 kids and a full ass house just seemed rad to me. And I don’t even really want any kids, so I don’t know.

Do I need therapy? This is what this interview is teaching me so far.

Yeah, that was going to be my next question. Or, like, do you think that liking Full House is a sign of something having gone wrong in your life? 

Haha YES, probably. So I mentioned that I have brothers and like, they didn’t like it at all, so it wasn’t a big happy family thing for us by any means. Maybe it was like “my thing” before I grew up a little and found other things (like Titanic). It wasn’t something I watched alone necessarily, but the rest of my family definitely doesn’t care about the show like I did. I think there was much less to relate to for my brothers, though. They had like real problems and I just got lost in Full House and The Simpsons.

I don’t want people to feel bad for me!! Some families are MUCH worse than mine. And like, neither of my parents died in a car accident like the Tanner mom, so I’m not complaining.

I feel like the show is more disturbing that comforting, though… To me, it doesn’t present an ideal family at all.  They’re a bunch of dicks.

Yeah, you know, I never noticed that kind of stuff until I started reading your blog a couple years ago or whatever. Like Jesse is the WORST but I always thought he was the coolest uncle ever. I definitely wanted an Uncle Jesse.

But I was a kid, right? And then it’s like kid opinions that stick around. There are a lot of things I liked as a kid that are probably shit as an adult.

I think that Joey’s the worst. Although I do think that the way that Jesse treats his wife is one of the most disturbing aspects of the show… Do you think that if a man is impossibly attractive, he’s entitled to treat his wife like shit? 

I am well aware of how you feel about Joey Gladstone haha. But yeah, Jesse is fucking terrible to Becky but again, not really a thing I picked up on as a kid.

Though I do remember being proud of Becky for standing up for herself when she was pregnant and stuff but there are probably a lot of episodes that would make me cringe watching them now as like…a radical feminist.

Do you think that elements of the show like that may have instilled really negative values into the kids who watched it?  It was supposed to be this family show about being wholesome and shit but to me it’s actually setting a really bad example. It’s like a Trojan horse for horrible behavior.

Ummm, that’s a good question, but I want to say no and I know there are a lot of people who would disagree with me. I feel like some people are just really easily swayed by movies and TV and music, obviously, and I’m just not one of them. It’s the Disney movie argument, you know? I have friends with kids that refuse to let their kids near Disney movies in case they become sad little girls who want tiny waists and long hair and their princes to come save them but man, I fucking LOVE Disney and I never looked to those movies as any sort of truth. I guess that’s how I feel about Full House or any 90s sitcom. I watched a shit ton of Friends but I didn’t live my life like I could be Rachel Green with a part-time job and a swanky ass apartment in New York, you know?

I think the Tanner family is SUPER unrealistic so it never made me feel like I should follow their example or anything. They are ridiculously good-looking blonde people. It’s not a thing I relate to at all.

Because I am a ridiculously good-looking BRUNETTE.

But I feel like the show is generally trying to set an example in terms of morality and conflict resolution and things like that…

Well I honestly don’t think their conflict resolution is all that bad! It’s not going to work for all families, but I’m sure some people sit down, work it out, and then go for ice-cream, right? And if your family doesn’t do that (like most families), I think it’s an okay thing to present.

Full House isn’t Roseanne, you know? It’s a different kind of family.

Yeah, I mean, I think that sitting down with your kids and talking things out without yelling and stuff and then hugging at the end is fine.  It’s the part where they also give the kids whatever they want all the time that bugs me.  Nobody ever learns any hard lessons.  Like, if you fuck up at the school talent show, you gotta just suck it up.  You shouldn’t have a very special talk with your gentle dad in front of an auditorium full of people who are waiting to see their own kid perform and then get a do-over.  That’s really not fair to everyone else.

Yeah, that’s definitely fair. But it’s a television show and no one wants to see what’s happening with anyone else’s kid and their talent.

They are definitely privileged as fuck, like I’m not denying that at all

Ok, well, I’m glad we can agree on that.  That brings me to my next question:  What’s it like being a fan of something that you have to defend?  Is it worth it? 

Ohhh, Ryan. (Or Billy, I guess.) I am a fan of some CONTROVERSIAL things so I am very used to defending it. I actually feel like I defend Full House much less than you’d expect. A lot of people like that show as much as I do.

Or like, less than I do, but still a lot.

Have you had many heated debates about the quality of the show?

Nah, not really actually! And I didn’t fight with anyone who was complaining about Fuller House when it was announced. I saw people bitching on Twitter and stuff and I wanted to be like, “THEY ARE REVIVING EVERYTHING” but I didn’t. I bit my tongue.

I mean, my brothers and I would bicker about it when they didn’t want to watch and I did, but that doesn’t really count.

As standards for TV have changed, do you think there’s a place for a new Full House series?  We have so many more options now, so we don’t just have to watch whatever bullshit is on anymore, which was a huge part of the original series’ success if you ask me. 

Definitely agree with that and honestly, I’m a bit surprised at how well the first season seemed to do. I think they promoted it VERY well and anyone who knows anything about Full House knows that the cast has stayed super close and the show is a little better than I thought it would be, like definitely more modern. BUT, I definitely don’t think it’s entirely necessary. Television is in the prime of its life right now, in my opinion, and Fuller House is nowhere near the kind of comedy we need in our lives, like Broad City or Master of None. It’s pretty pointless, tbh.

Buuuut, I also don’t have kids so maybe it’s a special thing for parents to watch with their children or whatever.

Do you like the new show?  Are you gonna watch Season 2 when it comes out?

I do like the new show, though I haven’t watched it since the night it came out and I was pretty tipsy by the end of it so I don’t remember it all very well. I will definitely watch Season 2.

DJ kid stuff is boring as hell, but I appreciate the Steph, DJ, Kimmy trio

Do you have bad taste in general?  What are some other shows that you like?

Hahaha ruuude. I actually don’t think I have bad taste at all.

I’ll be the judge of that!

My favorite comedy shows are The Simpsons, Friends, Parks and Rec but I love love love That 70s Show and Malcolm and stuff. I was such a FOX kid. Other than that, I’m like X-Files, West Wing, Friday Night Lights.

I Love Lucy!

I have range, son.

I’ve met a handful of people who read Full House Reviewed but you’re the only one that actually likes the show.  Usually fans of the show who stumble onto the blog just post a grammatically broken comment and then never look at it again.  I got a great one this week:  

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Why do you like reading a blog that talks hella shit about a show that you like? 

Hahahaha I promise that comment wasn’t from me, but that is very funny.

Do you think that I’m a sick?

Hahahaha I don’t think you are a sick.

So I looked up when I first found your blog and it was in April 2012! (Is that real?? Like were you doing the blog then?) Which is crazy. And I was having a super bad day and I remember it made me laugh so hard that I was crying. Your writing style kinda reminds me of the way my big brother talks and I remember making him read it too because he never liked Full House.

So I think the blog is awesome because it’s hilarious and because I’m fine making fun of stuff I like. If it was a philosophical breakdown of like…why every single Kanye West single is awful, I definitely wouldn’t read it and might leave a comment like, “you’re a sick.” I can poke fun at things that are very clearly not that big of a deal, but I prefer when someone else does it.

And your observations are great! It’s not unwarranted.

This is not me sucking up to you, I genuinely think you are hilarious.

Well, thanks!  So does my mom.

Well we have that in common!

Your mom thinks I’m hilarious?  That’s nice. 

She probably would, honestly. I should tell her to check the blog out.

You should tell EVERYONE to check it out!

What a good sport she was!  That was like the opposite of every interview with Gallagher I’ve ever seen.  If you’d like to keep up with Jess Tholmer’s many fascinating opinions, you can follow her Facebook author page or her Twitter account, where she posts like 500 times a day. 

As for me, I’ll be back to my usual routine next week, shit-talking Fuller House.  I can’t help it.  I’m a sick. 

Posted in Bonus Material | 29 Comments

Fuller House Episode 6, “The Legend of El Explosivo”

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DJ and Kimmie Gibbler make some jokes that aren’t worth mentioning in the kitchen and then Ramona rushes downstairs to answer the front door, as she’s expecting her dance team to show up.  DJ’s boring ass kids come home and DJ is real suspicious about why the oldest one is wearing a jacket in such hot weather.  DJ removes the jacket from his person, revealing some really terrible makeup job that’s supposed to look like an injury.

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After a brief interrogation, DJ gets the younger kid to narc on the older one, revealing that the older kid has been participating in reckless activities with some friend of his.  DJ forbids any further naughty revelry and the kids bitch and moan about it.  Stephanie enters the scene and tells everyone that she’s gonna be DJing at Lucha Kaboom, a Mexican wrestling establishment, so everyone will be getting free tickets and also probably some sort of opportunity to ruin the show for the rest of the crowd.  Stephanie tells everyone that King Jaguarito will be the headlining wrestler and then DJ calls him, “King Dorito” because even though this show has managed to make a lot of improvements over the original series, the creators still think it’s funny to completely mangle the Spanish language.

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Ramona and her friends practice their dance moves and then Kimmie Gibbler busts out some cookies that are a throwback to the jokes not worth mentioning from the opening scene, which I would continue to not mention if not for the fact that she places them further in the foreground of this set than we’ve ever seen before.  I don’t know why but I always think it’s interesting when we see some part of a set on a tv show that we never have before.

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Ramona tells her friends that they need some fly ass moves to wrap up their dance with and then Kimmie Gibbler shows them a routine that she’s invented.  It’s really awful.  Usually Kimmie Gibbler can sell even the lamest schticks, but this one’s just plain hard to watch.  I’ve always theorized that Full House is actually about an evil sentient house that’s driving its inhabitants crazy and this only furthers that premise, as we are now witnessing Kimmie Gibbler, who was once the only likeable person on this whole show, becoming just another corny asshole.

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DJ has an exchange with her studly assistant about how she’s using some app on her phone to keep tabs on her oldest kid.  She explains that her kid’s in some, “crazy Jackass phase” because this show is really into outdated references.  The assistant guy explains that young boys like to do stupid shit so she should just deal with it but DJ ain’t havin’ that.

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She discovers through her invasive app that her oldest kid is at his naughty friends house so she heads over there to ruin his fun.  DJ seems to be able to just walk out of work whenever she wants.  Actually, her job is beholden to whatever is convenient to the plot.  Like, when the story needs her to not be at the house there seems to always be some emergency at work, but whenever there’s a scene at her job and then some shit goes down elsewhere she just cuts out immediately.

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So I guess that when DJ’s kids hang out with their mischievous friend they like to perform irresponsible stunts while a bunch of other kids watch.  Why are there so many other kids there?  It doesn’t add anything to the scene, and it just seems odd to me that a whole group of kids would stand around as spectators to these lame activities.  I mean, I guess if they were participating at all it would make sense.  DJ’s oldest kid and his naughty friend, Bobby Popko, cover the younger kid in padding and then the older kid body slams him from on top of a tool shed.  It actually doesn’t look all that dangerous.  I mean, I probably wouldn’t do it, but it’s only like a 6 foot drop and there does seem to be an awful lot of padding involved.  Regardless, DJ rolls up on the scene just as the stunt occurs and  flips the fuck out.  She seems really concerned about whether or not her younger kid is ok after  the tool shed body slam and then she gets all up in the older kids grill about pulling this kind of shit after she told him not to.  She tells him that he’s punished and therefore can’t go to Lucha Kaboom and then she leads him away, totally leaving the younger kid behind, who is wearing too much padding to get up.

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It’s kind of weird that she’d just abandon him like that after being so concerned for his safety seconds earlier.  The scene ends with him struggling to get up and I kept expecting a final moment where DJ comes back for him but it never happened.  For all we know that kid could end up lying there for hours.

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Stephanie practices some dance steps with Ramona and her friends and then they all thank her for offering up better moves than Kimmie Gibbler did, but then we see that Kimmie Gibbler is standing in the doorway and can hear the whole thing.  Stone cold diss!  Before I get to Kimmie Gibbler’s reaction, I have to talk shit about how Stephanie says that she collaborated with Rihanna on the creation of the dance moves that she’s sharing with the kids.  Man, Stephanie’s bullshit name dropping really bugs me.  It was feasible when she said that she’d partied with Macy Grey because that’s like a totally washed up one hit wonder, but Rihanna is a legit megastar so there’s just no way she’d have anything to do with Stephanie’s sorry ass.  All the allusions to Stephanie’s exciting, glamorous DJ lifestyle seem really hollow and sad to me.  It sort of feels like she’s just making it all up or something, or like the show is trying to put her on a level that she’s clearly not deserving of.  It would be one thing if she was like, “that’s like that one time that I drank too much cheap champagne and threw up all night in the green room of some shitty club in Texas” or, “that’s reminds me of the time that I partied with Six from Blossom” but working out dance choreography with Rihanna?  Gimme a fuckin’ break.

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So Kimmie Gibbler gets all pissed about her kid turning to Stephanie for help with her dance routine so she declares her usefulness by launching into a worst-of-the-90’s montage of dances and pop culture references.  Again, she delivers it as well as could be hoped for, but the material is pretty painful.  I feel like I should have more to say about it but I just found the whole routine to be exhausting.  It was basically a frantic collection of everything that I wished people would stop saying and doing when I was 12 years old.  Stephanie tells the girls that they’ve been invited to perform at Lucha Kaboom because why not? and then Kimmie Gibbler’s like, “fuck all y’all” because they wont incorporate her moves into their routine.

DJ’s oldest kid kisses her ass in a variety of ways but she still refuses to let him go to Lucha Kaboom.  Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler continue to have tension over Ramona preferring Stephanie’s dance moves.  Kimmie Gibbler mocks Stephanie and points out her big ol’ titties but refrains from pointing out how obviously fake they are, so she’s really pulling her punches if you ask me.

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DJ initiates a really awkward transition by commenting on the costume that her middle kid is wearing, which is apparently a replica of the one that King Jaguarito wears. Incidentally, I’m not really sure how odd it is that they’re all going to a Mexican wrestling establishment.  I can’t say for sure that they don’t have those in San Francisco, but I’ve certainly never heard of one.  It does seem like a pretty random location to build an episode around.  Anyway, everyone except for DJ’s oldest kid leaves for Lucha Kaboom and then he stares at them out of the window while sad guitar music plays.  Hey, we’ve never seen this out-the-window camera angle before, either.  How interesting!

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As the wrestlers descend onto the stage, DJ’s middle kid exclaims, “holy chalupas!”  Seriously, though, why is this his catch phrase?  It really doesn’t mean anything, and I have no idea where it’s coming from.  “Have mercy” and “how rude” were some really uninspired pieces of shit, but they at least sort of sounded like something a person might say in real life, or were somewhat contextually appropriate.  I guess that a Mexican wrestling establishment makes “holy chalupas” work as well as it’s going to, but that doesn’t mean that it makes it work.

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Ramona gets a text from one of the members of her dance team that says that she wont be able to participate because she’s got a wicked case of the shits (that’s really why!) so the girls ask Stephanie to participate because it’s not totally weird to see a dance crew that’s 3 12-year-olds and a grown woman.  Stephanie does Kimmie Gibbler a solid by offering up her dance spot with the girls, although she might just be doing it because any sensible adult would find the situation pretty embarrassing.

The announcer at the event informs the audience that it’s time for the King Jaguarito costume contest and, naturally, DJ’s kid enters and immediately wins.  But, wait, can we take a minute to check out this weird old guy who enters the competition?  What’s this guys deal?

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I would watch a whole show that was all about this guy.  I want to know everything about his whole life.

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It turns out that King Jaguarito is a little person, which may or may not contribute to a hilarious misunderstanding in a few minutes.  He and DJ’s kid share a brief, unremarkable exchange and then Ramona and her friends come out and do their dance routine because this whole Mexican wrestling performance is actually all about the people from the fuller house for some reason.  The best thing about the routine is that it takes up a fair amount of time and I’m always watching the clock as I work my way through these reviews.  I should also mention that the routine climaxes with the girls doing Kimmie Gibbler’s dance routine from earlier because the moral of this show is always that everyone should always get what they want all the time.

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Meanwhile, back at the fuller house, DJ’s oldest kid devises a naughty scheme with Bobby Popko.  Even though their plan is clearly stated, I found it to be very confusing.  Apparently DJ’s oldest kid is supposed to put on a Mexican wrestling mask and sneak into the match at Lucha Kaboom.  Why?  I have no idea.  Does he just want to go to Lucha Kaboom, or is this like another crazy stunt dare?  I actually replayed the scene to try to wrap my head around this…  What Bobby Popko says is, “put on the mask and sneak into the wrestling match.”  So is he just saying that he should go watch the wrestling match and that he should wear a mask while he does it so DJ doesn’t find out?  Or is he saying to sneak into the actual match, like enter the ring?  And even if he is just going to see the show, how’s he going to get in?  I guess he could buy his own ticket if we can assume that the show isn’t sold out and that this kid has enough money, but… I just find this all the be very confusing.

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But the most baffling part of the plan is that they put the older kid’s phone on the dog so that DJ will think that he’s still at the fuller house, proposing that seeing the phone move around will make it more convincing (which means that the app has some serious pinpoint accuracy), but the older kid wonders why Bobby Popko doesn’t just hold onto the phone because, for some reason, he’s going to be hanging out at the fuller house while DJ’s kid goes to the show.  Why is Bobby Popko holding it down at the house by himself during all of this?  Just, why?  This was seriously the most perplexing 30 seconds of tv I’ve ever seen.

As DJ enjoys the wrestling match she decides that her oldest kid has learned his lesson so she calls him up to join the festivities.  Unfortunately, DJ’s oldest kid’s phone is attached to the dog, who is sitting next to Bobby Popko on the couch.  No, but for reals, why is he in the house by himself?

As if all this hasn’t been nonsensical enough, y’all better emotionally prepare yourselves for what’s about to happen, because it’s just completely fucking insane.  DJ’s oldest kid walks into the venue and sees King Jaguarito wrestling, who he mistakes for his little brother even though he seemed to be familiar with King Jaguarito earlier and, for that reason, as well as many other, should know better than to draw that conclusion.  Regardless, he jumps into the match, which may have been his plan anyway.  I’m still not too clear on that part.  Since this whole fucking thing has gone so deep down a rabbit hole of illogical fantasy that nothing seems to even matter anymore, it’s not even that surprising when these trained professional wrestlers immediately start assaulting a young kid who’s entered the ring.

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DJ’s kid is unmasked and, just when I thought that I could not feel any more like I was going mentally insane while I was watching this, things escalate.  Right as an adult professional wrestler is about to punch DJ’s kid in the face even though he’s clearly, unmistakably, a child, DJ jumps into the ring and starts beating the shit out of everyone.

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WHAT?!!?  The craziest part about it is that Candace Cameron is amazing at performing these wrestling moves.  It’s clearly not a stunt double, as you can see her face the whole time.  It would be one thing if she just ran in and put a stop to everything but she busts out an elaborate, choreographed series of very professional looking acrobatic wrestling moves.  It was stunning as both an impressive performance by the actress (seriously, how did she learn how to do all that shit?  I am in awe of her) and as the most startlingly logic-defying nonsense I have ever witnessed in my life, which has been filled with many wasted hours watching garbage tv that makes no sense.

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The best part is that, as DJ is announced as the winner of the match, we get a bunch of shots of the crowd, including that amazing old guy who entered the King Jaguarito costume contest.  Every second that he is present onscreen is precious to me.

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I can’t think of a more egregious example of these people showing up at an event and completely taking over everything.  At least it would sort of make sense when they would know the Beach Boys and then get to be onstage at their show or host a telethon for Danny’s tv station or something, but this is just fucking gobbledygook.  It’s almost too over-the-top to even criticize because there’s no way to apply any semblance of logic to any of it.  Even after breaking it down moment-by-moment, I’m still not sure what I just saw.

So, anyway, back at the fuller house, DJ has a very special talk with her son.  DJ’s kid asks her how she knew all those wrestling moves, which is a really great question, and she says that she doesn’t know and chalks it up to maternal protective instincts.  I guess that’s about as good of an explanation as we could have hoped for.  DJ tells her kid that he needs to stop engaging in such reckless behavior even though she just brazenly exemplified the complete opposite of that in the most blatant manner imaginable and then they hug it out.

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DJ also tells him to quit hanging out with Bobby Popko but he says that Bobby Popko is his best friend (which I guess is feasible since he appears to be his only friend, at least as far as we know), going so far as to refer him as, “my Kimmie Gibbler.”  Bobby Popko then walks into the room after reportedly taking a very long shower, which you would think that DJ would have been aware of.  As scattered as my brain is after sitting through all this, one thing is clear: Bobby Popko, you are no Kimmie Gibbler.

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I’ve been giving this show some credit here and there because I really do think that it’s an improvement over the original series, but this shit was at least as bad as anything we’ve ever seen from Full House.  It was abrasive and self-absorbed, made virtually no sense and ended with an extremely superfluous life-lesson.  There have been some highlights on this show so far but this one really took it down a notch.  Or, like, a bazillion notches.

Before I call it a wrap on this entry I just wanted to give a heads-up: I’m not going to be posting a review next week because I need a week off from this shit.  Returning to this blog has made me totally mystified as to how the fuck I managed to do this every week for 4 years and I’d like to take a week to deal with actual shit in my real life that this thing gets in the way of.  There will be a new post next week, though.  It’ll be a bonus entry that is an interview with an actual fan of Full House.  I thought it would be fun to talk with someone who actually likes this crap to try to understand what their fuckin’ deal is.  I think it’s gonna be really good.  I’ll post a new review the following week and then every week after that until the Season wraps up.  Stay tuned!

 

 

Posted in Fuller House | 67 Comments