The Unauthorized Full House Story Part 2

Wait, this is only part 2?  I feel like I’ve been watching this thing for a million years already!  Lemme check the timer… 21 minutes!??!  Fuck my life!  There’s another hour of this shit!??!

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Last week’s entry left off with the cast fully assembled.  Now that Bob Saget has joined the team, he meets the rest of his fellow “actors.”  I have to commend him for immediately addressing the gay love triangle at the heart of the show, even though he’s only doing it to mess with John Stamos, who’s all “no homo” about it.

In the writer’s room, Saget pitches story ideas to Dave Coulier for some reason.  I guess it’s supposed to represent his immediate dissatisfaction with the show (the exchange also credits him with inventing Danny’s obsessive compulsive cleaning habits) but, seriously, why’s he bouncing these ideas off of Dave Coulier?  Shouldn’t be be talking to… anyone else?

All the child actors arrive and they make a big point about how the Olsen twin’s mom had no interest in pimping out her kids and was actually quite uncomfortable with the whole endeavor, which I bet is total bullshit.  They perpetuate this myth throughout the entire movie, so I guess we’re supposed to believe that she reluctantly turned her kids into producers by the time they were like 5 and that the powers that be had to bite and claw to get her to allow her kids to become billionaire moguls based on their mediocre direct to video movies and clothing lines by the time they were teenagers.  I’m sure that their mom was really conflicted about the enormous sums of money she was making off of her no-talent children.

The live studio audience eats up the hot garbage that’s being shoveled into their mouths but the show still receives terrible ratings and reviews.  Bob Saget whines to his sister and wife and the latter poses the question, “It’s a show about 3 friends raising kids… what’s so terrible about that?”  Oh, man, don’t even get me started!  Bob Saget replies, “there’s nothing terrible, or interesting, or funny about it.  That’s the problem.” And he’s right.  Except the part where he said there’s nothing terrible about it.  Anyway, Saget’s wife and sister tell him to stop being such a pissy ass bitch and learn to appreciate his crappy new job.

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In attempt to feel more enthusiastic about being cast in the worst show in history, Bob Sagets invites his adult costars to Vegas, or at least a conspicuously uninhabited casino set that’s supposed to represent Vegas.  The guys all get drunk and gamble (which is the kind of stuff that you’d never see on Full House, but still not racy enough to justify a tell-all movie) and discuss their various characteristics:  John Stamos gets hella pussy, Bob Saget has been with his wife since high school and never cheats on her (good for him!) and Dave Coulier is apparently always farting.  Seriously?  Like I didn’t already think Dave Coulier was the worst guy who ever lived, now you gotta tell me that he also drops nasty farts all the time?  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  You know how people always say that if they had a time machine they’d go back and kill Hitler?  Not me, man.  I’d stomp on baby Coulier the day he was born, and the world would be much better for it.  Way less terrible jokes, and less farts, even.

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With that, we’re caught up to the opening scene, further proving that nothing interesting is going to happen throughout this entire movie.  Stamos complains to the producers about how long it takes for the Olsen twins to get through a scene, what with their constant pants shitting, and Saget is scolded for making stripper jokes in front of Jodie Sweetin (maybe that’s why she grew up to be so fucked up.  I can only guess because we never get to see any of her meth abuse in this movie, which would have been like the only cool part).

Between takes, Saget makes a bunch of totally valid observations about how terrible the show is and starts to walk off the set.  His adult costars convince him to stay because Dave Coulier will likely never work again if he doesn’t keep this gig and John Stamos shares the same fear even though he’s the only person on the show who has actual show business level talent.

I guess Dave Coulier is on a pep talk roll because the next scene is him talking to Moms Olsen about why she needs to keep her hideous babies on the show.  The best part is that the Olsen twin he’s holding is totally picking her nose during the scene.

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That’s the best thing that happens in the whole movie.  At the end of this very special talk, Dave Coulier prompts the girls to deliver some Nicky and Alex level gibberish.  I guess that means that they’re staying on the show?

As Season 1 comes to a close, Jeff Franklin anxiously awaits an answer as to whether the show will be picked up for another Season.  Despite all logic or good in the world, the network decides to continue on with this unholy endeavor, much to the casts gratification.

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Dave Coulier farts with relief and the rest of the cast is like what the fuck?  Jodie Sweetin says, “how rude,” which is sorta snuck in there.  That’s the only reference to any of the catch phrases that were used on the show.  I guess if it’s used outside of a reenactment of a scene it’s ok?  Anyway, I’m really bothered by this farting thing.  Like, I really didn’t need another reason to hate Dave Coulier.  There were already way too many.  I just can’t even deal with this.

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Jeff Franklin delivers a talk to the cast about how he’s cooking up ways for the show to suck less dick in Season 2.  That poor, deluded son of a bitch.  He wants more family oriented narratives and he decides to add the character of Rebecca Donaldson.

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We see Lori Loughlin’s first day on set and she’s introduced to John Stamos, but it turns out they’re already familiar, as they used to hit skins back in the day.  They have a debate over who ended things and there’s a real Jesse and Becky tension, you guys.  You can tell that Stamos is right about to whip it out for her but then she tells him that she just got married.  Dang!  Sorry, Stamos!  At least you’ll get to make out with her on tv all the time.

We get to listen to “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” by timeless artists Wang Chung as a montage rolls across the screen, indicating that the show has become a hit.  The Olsen twin’s mom is advised to get a lawyer by… someone.  I can’t remember who it is.  I think it’s supposed to be Jodie Sweetin’s mom?  Anyway, those kids are proving the be a hot commodity and their mom is starting to get more savvy about it.

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As Season 3 begins, Kimmie Gibbler runs in to the kids backstage school session and tells Candace Cameron that she’s become a series regular.  This actress does nothing to simulate the radness of Kimmie Gibbler but it doesn’t even matter because this is like the only time we see her.

There’s a pan over to Jodie Sweetin giving them side-eyes and I guess we’re supposed to get a sense that she feels left out or something.  That’s about as much Jodie Sweetin character building as we’ll get in this entire movie.

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John Stamos gives Dave Coulier a pep talk to convince him to ask out some model that he’s into.  He lists Coulier’s positive qualities in attempt to lift his spirits, which is really difficult to sit through.  He should just be like, “you’re rich now and even though you suck and so does the show that you’re on, you’re famous regardless so you might as well abuse that.”

Bob Saget tells the other dads that Michelle Tanner is officially the most recognized female character on television and they all scramble to get more scenes with her.  Meanwhile, Moms Olsen meets with Jeff Franklin and her fancy new layer to get a bunch more money for her disgusting babies even though she’s totally not in this for the money.

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Meanwhile, Bob Saget gets called into a meeting with a bunch of soulless executives and they actually do a pretty good job of conveying how he would talk shit right to their faces and they’d be like, “oh, you!”  They offer him the hosting gig of Americas Funniest Home Videos, AKA People Getting Hit in the Nuts: the Series, and after going home and talking at his wife for a few minutes he decides to take it.

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The next scene shows John Stamos jammin’ out with his band in the rehearsal room, which is kind of confusing to me.  Why are they doing that?  Are those supposed to be The Rippers?  Why are they allowed to perform in the rehearsal room?  Was this a real thing they used to do?  It seems kind of weird to show this without any set-up or context.  Anyway, the whole cast all dance around together like a bunch of corny goofballs, except for Bob Saget, who’s like, what a bunch of dipshits.  I don’t know, this movie is kind of making me respect him a tiny bit.

We cut to 1990 and there’s a large and diverse family shown tuning into TGIF to watch Full House and then we see a really amazing psuedo-rendition of the shows opening.

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At some sort of cast gathering, Dave Coulier informs his costars that he’ll be marrying Jane, who I can only assume is the model that he was talking about a few scenes ago.  That poor, poor woman.

Candace Cameron runs panic-stricken through the backstage area searching for Lori Loughlin, who she finds on set rehearsing a scene with John Stamos.  Candace tells Lori that she’s straight buggin’ because she has an onscreen smooching scene and it’s her first kiss.  Lori convinces Stamos to demonstrate a screen kiss with her while Cameron watches and if the scene wasn’t so poorly directed and performed it would give you a clear sense of the sexual tension that exists between the two actors.

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I don’t think that this is an intentional reference to all the weird scenes on the show where characters stared at Uncle Jesse while he made out with some floozy but I thought I’d refer to the similarities here because that shit lives in my brain now and there’s nowhere else to put it.  After the kiss, Lori Loughlin abruptly exits the scene, presumably to go rub one out.

Dave Coulier tells the fellas that his poor, unfortunate wife is seeded with his blasphemous brethren and then the conversation soon turns to all the poonana that John Stamos gets.  There’s a trivia checklist of all the famous women he’s banged and then they talk for a minute about how he’s really into Paula Abdul.  Dang, I totally didn’t know about that!  That’s actually kind of interesting, from a useless early 90’s trivia standpoint  Abruptly, and unrelated to anything else that’s happening in the scene, Bob Saget’s sister walks onto the set and tells him that she’s dying of some rare disease.  I’m not gonna make any shitty jokes about that, tho, because what am I, a monster?

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John Stamos make an appearance at some event with Paul Abdul and a reporter asks him what it’s like to be dating her and then follows-up with, “you’re still on that kids show, right?”  We never really see the ramifications of this scene so I’m not sure what exactly it’s supposed to be saying about their relationship (like is he insecure about her being more successful than him? Is that what they’re trying to convey?) but I did notice that they totally cast a white woman to play Paula Abdul.  She doesn’t even have any lines!  They could have cast anyone that looked at all like Paula Abdul to play her!  What the fuck?

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Stamos whines to his dad about how he’s still never gotten a movie role.  I guess that was the point of that last scene… it still doesn’t tell us anything about his relationship with white Paula Abdul… We do learn that they just broke up, tho. Why?  We’ll never know.  Gentle music plays as Dad Stamos tells his son to grow the fuck up and I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a reference to the show or not.  Gentle music is a staple of many bad televised narratives.

As Jeff Franklin witness the soulless commodification of the Olsen twins by corporate bigwigs take shape, he sees a live feed of Bob Saget making lewd gestures and jokes with a mannequin between takes.  It really goes on for a long time.

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Jeff Franklin and Bob Saget have a heated exchange over his inappropriate tomfoolery and I guess it’s supposed to be a big moment, which is yet another indication that nothing controversial really happened behind the scenes of this show.

It’s late and I’m tired so I guess that wraps it up for this week.  There’s only about half an hour left at this point so I can probably finish this monstrosity up in the next installment.  Thanks for reading, guys!  It’s great to be back, even for something this awful.  Tune in next week, and be sure to check out the Saved By the Bell Reviewed Podcast, starring me and several other hilarious geniuses.


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36 Responses to The Unauthorized Full House Story Part 2

  1. Cory says:

    Love the review Billy! I actually forgot about this being made until I came across your first review last week, so I watched this monstrosity in its entirety. Now don’t get me wrong, I could sit through any episode of Full House for guilty pleasure’s sake, but this movie was absolute trash! It really was a waste of 90 minutes of my life. Like Billy mentioned, the only thing that came out of it for me was finding out about John Stamos’ relationship with Paula.

    Couldn’t agree more though about the Olsen twins’ mom, went from that “concern” to seeing dollar signs real quick.Oh, and if you’re looking for a perfect Jodie/Stephanie moment, stay tuned…you’ll get to it.

    And yes, that Danny/mannequin scene went on for what seemed like an hour!


  2. Bridget says:

    Billy, the Dave Coulier character seemed proud of his gas and he said it was his super power or something! I think it’s nothing to be proud of and Dave should have gone to a gastroenterologist because there is something wrong with the stomach and intestines if someone has gas that bad! I predict the real Dave Coulier will come out and say he has colon cancer one day. As for killing baby Coulier, why not go one better and kill his mother ala the Terminator coming after Sarah Conner before she has John?


    • goodgollyregina says:

      Yeah for real, shouldn’t he get that checked out? How is something like that even remotely funny or anything to be proud of? Yet another reason to hate Dave Coulier/Joey indeed. I’m all for killing Dave right when he was born! Then we all wouldn’t be subjected to Joey Gladstone and insulting our intelligence with his painfully unfunny jokes. ^_^

      Great review like always Billy! Can’t wait for the next part.


      • Bridget says:

        GG Regina, I agree with you maybe Dave should see a doctor about his gas problem. Maybe a diet change would help out the problem! I heard Dave Coulier got married for the 2nd time and I hope she doesn’t have a sense of smell. I think of Kimmy Gibbler when she said, “Adorable if you don’t have a sense of smell! I’m surprised your wallpaper isn’t peeling!”. She said that after babysitting then infant twins Nicky and Alex and she had to do diaper changes. So many episodes of FH have pointed out how painfully unfunny Joey is! I think if it was the late Robin Williams as Joey the show would be funny at least!


      • goodgollyregina says:

        @ Bridget: Wasn’t Dave Coulier’s second wife the same actress who played adult Michelle in the “Those Better Not Be The Days” episode? If yes, then that’s just…. creepy. O_O I totally remember the Kimmy scene too when she was babysitting Nicky and Alex. With Dave’s gas problem, it’s a miracle the wallpaper did NOT peel off!

        And I totally agree that Robin Williams (may he RIP </3) would've made for a better Joey instead. On the other hand, I don't think Robin Williams would ever lower himself to that. Even if he didn't turn out to be so annoying and a waste of space.


      • Bridget says:

        I think it was his first wife as grown-up Michelle. I wonder how many air fresheners the producers of FH went through because of Dave’s problem? The gas was an evil entity that probably permeated the whole set! I do think Robin Williams wouldn’t have lowered himself in order to star on FH. I mean, he was a funny guy but when drama called for it, he was great too! His Popeye was better than Dave’s lame imitation and I thought he was great in “Awakenings” and as President Eisenhower in “The Bulter.”. For that one, they must have bleached Robin’s arm hair because he was quite a hairy person when he was alive!


      • Bridget says:

        GG Regina, another reason a person could have severe gas is if they accidentally swallow or pick up a parasite from unwashed hands. I watch “Monsters Inside Me” and some of the victims of parasites have had bad gas problems and the doctor discovered the parasite inside of them! Very educational show but if you’re the paranoid type, you’ll think parasites are out in the world waiting for you!


      • goodgollyregina says:

        Parasite from unwashed hands? Yikes! Apparently hand washing is a foreign concept to Joey as well. That would certainly explain his gas problem. I also wonder how money the producers had to waste on air fresheners, just to cover up that hideous stench. If you have a guy that won’t stop farting, and he is talentless and unfunny, then you gotta question whether or not you even want to keep him around on the show.


      • Bridget says:

        I think Michelle would probably end up with a foreign body in herself too! I saw an episode of “Monsters Inside Me” about a guy who was suffering from emphysema and the doctor cut him open. They saw a pea plant sprouting inside this man and removed it. Later on it was determined he had swallowed a pea that ended up going through his pipe into his lung. The guy probably wolfed down his food like the people do in the Panera Devour commercials and Michelle!


    • Lloyd Mongul says:

      I want to write a fan fiction where sky-net gets the special feature for season 3 where its all about Joey and the terminator is sent back to kill him instead of Sarah Conner because robots never want to be exposed to that shit plus they feel like DVD players are their ancestors and shit and should have never been used in such nefarious means as playing his “comedy” routines anyway the humans send back Reese thinking ahh shit this is where shit goes down but Reese finds out about the mission change and decides to help the Terminator paving the way for peaceful human-robot relations because really the entire beef was about their ancestors having to play full house


  3. Man, I know that Lifetime loves to take some story that has minimal drama in it, and pump it full of extra drama that either never existed, or was blown way out of proportion, but… there was never any drama surrounding this stupid show. It sounds like they tried to inflate it or add some, but that’s just shitty math. Zero drama plus fractions of drama equal… zero drama.
    “We’re gonna make a dramatic movie about this terrible TV show where three kids raise kids. Everything goes well, despite the fact that the show is awful, then everyone gets rich.”
    I mean, if you’re not gonna even show Jody Sweetin’s fall from grace (which is really the only drama involved in this story), then what’s the point of you, Lifetime?


  4. DJ's Intact Hymen says:

    I can’t stand the face of the actress who plays Candace Cameron. She looks like someone’s bashed-in thumb. I would love to see the casting call for the role – looking for basic white bitch with ugly thumbface for role in the worst movie about the worst tv show ever.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. superslabz says:

    “I don’t think that this is an intentional reference to all the weird scenes on the show where characters stared at Uncle Jesse while he made out with some floozy but I thought I’d refer to the similarities here because that shit lives in my brain now and there’s nowhere else to put it. ” As soon as I saw faux Candice checking out faux Stamos and faux Lori making out, I thought of you Billy🙂 I can’t wait ’til your next review!


  6. There's a CAR in the KITCHEN! says:

    Hello, Billy! I’m a big fan of this blog–I found it earlier this year and made my way through the whole thing episode by episode (laughing hysterically all the while). I’m so glad you’re doing new reviews, if only because I’ve always wanted to comment on one of them! You’re extremely talented and funny; I’ve read other “review” blogs like this that can’t strike the balance between genuine commentary and snark (they all rely too much on the latter). Yours stands out as an exception! Thank you so much for making all of us laugh. Keep it up!


    • Bridget says:

      You’re absolutely right about Billy’s blog! He makes the reviews of FH very funny and interesting! He has made me rent the FH series from 1-8 to check out what I missed out because of commercials. I was thinking “huh” when I watched FH on Nickelodeon and they cut out the times Joey was a huge moron to make room for commercials. Thanks to Billy and my library getting me the series, I know what pisses him out and it has made me more understanding of the torture this brave man puts himself through so we can all laugh every Friday!


      • There's a CAR in the KITCHEN! says:

        Thank you so much for responding, Bridget! I’ll admit that I always read your comments on Billy’s reviews (you’re a FHR legend!). And I must admit I’m a little confused about Nickelodeon’s edits. You say they cut out all of the times Joey acted like a huge moron…so they had to delete every one of his scenes? That’s a shame.


    • Bridget says:

      Car in Kitchen, the cut scenes made me more positive than ever Joey fathered the twins Nicky and Alex! Joey said he defied his parents’ wishes and ate so much dirt he developed dirt poisoning. Then one of the twins said he ate dirt and the other one said he told his twin to do that. I figure the kid probably inherited pica from his birth father! Not to mention an interesting article I read on about Joey fathering all the kids because like him, they all are blondes. Thank you for reading my posts!

      Liked by 1 person

      • goodgollyregina says:

        Whoa, eating dirt? Joey is much more twisted than I thought. I guess even the editors at Nick @ Nite didn’t like him either. Especially if they cut out a bunch of scenes of Joey acting like a moron.


      • Makes sense that they would cut his parts. The number of time spent on commercial breaks has shot up by several minutes over the last few decades. Imagine being the guy who has to make those cuts, and you have to watch the episode to determine how to get two extra minutes out of the material.. Joey’s parts often include horrible impressions, screwing around with a puppet, dad jokes, bad puns, and schtick that is mostly unfunny and not integral to moving the story along. You’re gonna cut Joey’s parts, and you’re gonna do it without remorse.


  7. What About Elizabeth Olsen says:

    The downfall of this movie was anytime they had to make Bob Saget- style comedy into something appropriate for them to air. Like, they were trying desperately to convey his dirty humor without actually making it dirty. That mannequin scene went on for eternity, and it didn’t even make any sense because it was so tame and they treated it as if it was incredibly lewd. I think it was more awkward and more painful to watch then the actual FH series.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. BSCAG says:

    The uncanny valley effect of different actors playing the actors is really creepy.

    It’s so fun to see new posts from you! Thank you for suffering through this for us.


  9. Bridget says:

    WALizzieOlsen, I thought his humor was juvenile and appealed to dirty-minded preteen to teenage boys! I think George Carlin was a talented actor when the part called for it (I.e., he was the gay guy Eddie in ‘Prince of Tides’ and he was quite sweet and sour at the same time as Ben Affleck’s dad in ‘Jersey Girl.’. I never watched George Carlin on the stage, but I remember a quote of his about Santa Claus–“The reason Santa Claus is so jolly is he knows where all the bad girls live.”.


    • What About Elizabeth Olsen says:

      I’m not talking about the quality of real-life Bob Saget’s actual routine, I’m just saying they had to portray it in a really weird way in the film, making everything ten times cheesier.


  10. Katrina the Two Week Traveler says:

    I wish they’d talked about Alanis Morissette since supposedly she came to the set often when she dated Dave Coulier. Maybe that’s not even true, but at least a reaction to You Outta Know!


  11. Pink Dork says:

    Dear Billy,

    Reading the line above that this shitty movie was making you respect shitty Saget a little bit was like totally mind blowing! Did you bonk your head, Billy Superstar?

    And I meant to mention this last week, but thank you for taking out the math quiz prior to comment posting. Math are hard.

    exes and ohs!
    Pink Dork


  12. Anoyomous says:

    I watched the movie on youtube and It was defiantly shit!


    • Bridget says:

      I totally agree with you! Lifetime used to have good movies like “The Burning Bed” and “Deadly Relations” with Robert Urich as an obsessive father and now many of the movies are crap!


  13. Casey says:

    I get the impression that some of these actors were hired on the basis of their voice alone, so maybe white Paula Abdul had some lines that got cut?


  14. Uncle Jesse's girl says:

    Billy, have you ever thought that your blog might have contributed to Fuller House being made? The producers may have seen the renewed interest in the show thanks to all the buzz on the site’s message board. They should have you on the show as a guest star!


  15. Chris says:

    The actress thats playing the actress that played DJ (what a weird sentence) has almost an ugly a face as the Olsens twins when they were on this show. You know how you always said you’d have loved to punch Michelle just once? I want to punch this girl in the face. Seriously, looking at the screen cap of Becky and Jesse kissing with her stupid face right in the middle is making me angry.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Sara Wilson Read says:

    Fake Danny Tanner resembles Tom Everett Scott so much to me, it’s distracting. You know, he played Guy in ‘That Thing You Do”….

    Anyway, Billy… I signed on here at work looking to take a stroll down memory’s lovely lane re-reading your amazing blogs, and my eyes bulged out when I saw new material. Can’t thank you enough, seriously! It feels like just yesterday (but also a million years ago somehow) when you had your last episode finale, and your live reading. Cheers!!!
    Also, thanks in advance for reviewing the Fuller House show. It makes me happy that you’re still out there on the web when we need you.🙂


  17. Kristen says:

    I can tell I didn’t miss much by not having seen this movie. The only scandal was that the guys were embarrassed of the show? You could totally tell in the last season in the opening that Bob Saget would rather be anywhere else. I read once long ago that Lori Loughlin slapped Jodie Sweetin during a rehearsal because Jodie kept goofing off. They closed down the set for the day and everything. I guess it didn’t really happen or they would’ve included it in this movie. There was also the rumor about Jodie’s death. Not that I would wish those terrible things on anyone, but this movie needed *something.* Surely there was more going on behind the scenes and they just didn’t want to get sued by broadcasting it.


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