The Unauthorized Full House Story Part 2

Wait, this is only part 2?  I feel like I’ve been watching this thing for a million years already!  Lemme check the timer… 21 minutes!??!  Fuck my life!  There’s another hour of this shit!??!

Last week’s entry left off with the cast fully assembled.  Now that Bob Saget has joined the team, he meets the rest of his fellow “actors.”  I have to commend him for immediately addressing the gay love triangle at the heart of the show, even though he’s only doing it to mess with John Stamos, who’s all “no homo” about it.

In the writer’s room, Saget pitches story ideas to Dave Coulier for some reason.  I guess it’s supposed to represent his immediate dissatisfaction with the show (the exchange also credits him with inventing Danny’s obsessive compulsive cleaning habits) but, seriously, why’s he bouncing these ideas off of Dave Coulier?  Shouldn’t be be talking to… anyone else?

All the child actors arrive and they make a big point about how the Olsen twin’s mom had no interest in pimping out her kids and was actually quite uncomfortable with the whole endeavor, which I bet is total bullshit.  They perpetuate this myth throughout the entire movie, so I guess we’re supposed to believe that she reluctantly turned her kids into producers by the time they were like 5 and that the powers that be had to bite and claw to get her to allow her kids to become billionaire moguls based on their mediocre direct to video movies and clothing lines by the time they were teenagers.  I’m sure that their mom was really conflicted about the enormous sums of money she was making off of her no-talent children.

The live studio audience eats up the hot garbage that’s being shoveled into their mouths but the show still receives terrible ratings and reviews.  Bob Saget whines to his sister and wife and the latter poses the question, “It’s a show about 3 friends raising kids… what’s so terrible about that?”  Oh, man, don’t even get me started!  Bob Saget replies, “there’s nothing terrible, or interesting, or funny about it.  That’s the problem.” And he’s right.  Except the part where he said there’s nothing terrible about it.  Anyway, Saget’s wife and sister tell him to stop being such a pissy ass bitch and learn to appreciate his crappy new job.

In attempt to feel more enthusiastic about being cast in the worst show in history, Bob Sagets invites his adult costars to Vegas, or at least a conspicuously uninhabited casino set that’s supposed to represent Vegas.  The guys all get drunk and gamble (which is the kind of stuff that you’d never see on Full House, but still not racy enough to justify a tell-all movie) and discuss their various characteristics:  John Stamos gets hella pussy, Bob Saget has been with his wife since high school and never cheats on her (good for him!) and Dave Coulier is apparently always farting.  Seriously?  Like I didn’t already think Dave Coulier was the worst guy who ever lived, now you gotta tell me that he also drops nasty farts all the time?  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  You know how people always say that if they had a time machine they’d go back and kill Hitler?  Not me, man.  I’d stomp on baby Coulier the day he was born, and the world would be much better for it.  Way less terrible jokes, and less farts, even.

With that, we’re caught up to the opening scene, further proving that nothing interesting is going to happen throughout this entire movie.  Stamos complains to the producers about how long it takes for the Olsen twins to get through a scene, what with their constant pants shitting, and Saget is scolded for making stripper jokes in front of Jodie Sweetin (maybe that’s why she grew up to be so fucked up.  I can only guess because we never get to see any of her meth abuse in this movie, which would have been like the only cool part).

Between takes, Saget makes a bunch of totally valid observations about how terrible the show is and starts to walk off the set.  His adult costars convince him to stay because Dave Coulier will likely never work again if he doesn’t keep this gig and John Stamos shares the same fear even though he’s the only person on the show who has actual show business level talent.

I guess Dave Coulier is on a pep talk roll because the next scene is him talking to Moms Olsen about why she needs to keep her hideous babies on the show.  The best part is that the Olsen twin he’s holding is totally picking her nose during the scene.

That’s the best thing that happens in the whole movie.  At the end of this very special talk, Dave Coulier prompts the girls to deliver some Nicky and Alex level gibberish.  I guess that means that they’re staying on the show?

As Season 1 comes to a close, Jeff Franklin anxiously awaits an answer as to whether the show will be picked up for another Season.  Despite all logic or good in the world, the network decides to continue on with this unholy endeavor, much to the casts gratification.

Dave Coulier farts with relief and the rest of the cast is like what the fuck?  Jodie Sweetin says, “how rude,” which is sorta snuck in there.  That’s the only reference to any of the catch phrases that were used on the show.  I guess if it’s used outside of a reenactment of a scene it’s ok?  Anyway, I’m really bothered by this farting thing.  Like, I really didn’t need another reason to hate Dave Coulier.  There were already way too many.  I just can’t even deal with this.

Jeff Franklin delivers a talk to the cast about how he’s cooking up ways for the show to suck less dick in Season 2.  That poor, deluded son of a bitch.  He wants more family oriented narratives and he decides to add the character of Rebecca Donaldson.

We see Lori Loughlin’s first day on set and she’s introduced to John Stamos, but it turns out they’re already familiar, as they used to hit skins back in the day.  They have a debate over who ended things and there’s a real Jesse and Becky tension, you guys.  You can tell that Stamos is right about to whip it out for her but then she tells him that she just got married.  Dang!  Sorry, Stamos!  At least you’ll get to make out with her on tv all the time.

We get to listen to “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” by timeless artists Wang Chung as a montage rolls across the screen, indicating that the show has become a hit.  The Olsen twin’s mom is advised to get a lawyer by… someone.  I can’t remember who it is.  I think it’s supposed to be Jodie Sweetin’s mom?  Anyway, those kids are proving the be a hot commodity and their mom is starting to get more savvy about it.

As Season 3 begins, Kimmie Gibbler runs in to the kids backstage school session and tells Candace Cameron that she’s become a series regular.  This actress does nothing to simulate the radness of Kimmie Gibbler but it doesn’t even matter because this is like the only time we see her.

There’s a pan over to Jodie Sweetin giving them side-eyes and I guess we’re supposed to get a sense that she feels left out or something.  That’s about as much Jodie Sweetin character building as we’ll get in this entire movie.

John Stamos gives Dave Coulier a pep talk to convince him to ask out some model that he’s into.  He lists Coulier’s positive qualities in attempt to lift his spirits, which is really difficult to sit through.  He should just be like, “you’re rich now and even though you suck and so does the show that you’re on, you’re famous regardless so you might as well abuse that.”

Bob Saget tells the other dads that Michelle Tanner is officially the most recognized female character on television and they all scramble to get more scenes with her.  Meanwhile, Moms Olsen meets with Jeff Franklin and her fancy new layer to get a bunch more money for her disgusting babies even though she’s totally not in this for the money.

Meanwhile, Bob Saget gets called into a meeting with a bunch of soulless executives and they actually do a pretty good job of conveying how he would talk shit right to their faces and they’d be like, “oh, you!”  They offer him the hosting gig of Americas Funniest Home Videos, AKA People Getting Hit in the Nuts: the Series, and after going home and talking at his wife for a few minutes he decides to take it.

The next scene shows John Stamos jammin’ out with his band in the rehearsal room, which is kind of confusing to me.  Why are they doing that?  Are those supposed to be The Rippers?  Why are they allowed to perform in the rehearsal room?  Was this a real thing they used to do?  It seems kind of weird to show this without any set-up or context.  Anyway, the whole cast all dance around together like a bunch of corny goofballs, except for Bob Saget, who’s like, what a bunch of dipshits.  I don’t know, this movie is kind of making me respect him a tiny bit.

We cut to 1990 and there’s a large and diverse family shown tuning into TGIF to watch Full House and then we see a really amazing psuedo-rendition of the shows opening.

At some sort of cast gathering, Dave Coulier informs his costars that he’ll be marrying Jane, who I can only assume is the model that he was talking about a few scenes ago.  That poor, poor woman.

Candace Cameron runs panic-stricken through the backstage area searching for Lori Loughlin, who she finds on set rehearsing a scene with John Stamos.  Candace tells Lori that she’s straight buggin’ because she has an onscreen smooching scene and it’s her first kiss.  Lori convinces Stamos to demonstrate a screen kiss with her while Cameron watches and if the scene wasn’t so poorly directed and performed it would give you a clear sense of the sexual tension that exists between the two actors.

I don’t think that this is an intentional reference to all the weird scenes on the show where characters stared at Uncle Jesse while he made out with some floozy but I thought I’d refer to the similarities here because that shit lives in my brain now and there’s nowhere else to put it.  After the kiss, Lori Loughlin abruptly exits the scene, presumably to go rub one out.

Dave Coulier tells the fellas that his poor, unfortunate wife is seeded with his blasphemous brethren and then the conversation soon turns to all the poonana that John Stamos gets.  There’s a trivia checklist of all the famous women he’s banged and then they talk for a minute about how he’s really into Paula Abdul.  Dang, I totally didn’t know about that!  That’s actually kind of interesting, from a useless early 90’s trivia standpoint  Abruptly, and unrelated to anything else that’s happening in the scene, Bob Saget’s sister walks onto the set and tells him that she’s dying of some rare disease.  I’m not gonna make any shitty jokes about that, tho, because what am I, a monster?

John Stamos make an appearance at some event with Paul Abdul and a reporter asks him what it’s like to be dating her and then follows-up with, “you’re still on that kids show, right?”  We never really see the ramifications of this scene so I’m not sure what exactly it’s supposed to be saying about their relationship (like is he insecure about her being more successful than him? Is that what they’re trying to convey?) but I did notice that they totally cast a white woman to play Paula Abdul.  She doesn’t even have any lines!  They could have cast anyone that looked at all like Paula Abdul to play her!  What the fuck?

Stamos whines to his dad about how he’s still never gotten a movie role.  I guess that was the point of that last scene… it still doesn’t tell us anything about his relationship with white Paula Abdul… We do learn that they just broke up, tho. Why?  We’ll never know.  Gentle music plays as Dad Stamos tells his son to grow the fuck up and I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a reference to the show or not.  Gentle music is a staple of many bad televised narratives.

As Jeff Franklin witness the soulless commodification of the Olsen twins by corporate bigwigs take shape, he sees a live feed of Bob Saget making lewd gestures and jokes with a mannequin between takes.  It really goes on for a long time.

Jeff Franklin and Bob Saget have a heated exchange over his inappropriate tomfoolery and I guess it’s supposed to be a big moment, which is yet another indication that nothing controversial really happened behind the scenes of this show.

It’s late and I’m tired so I guess that wraps it up for this week.  There’s only about half an hour left at this point so I can probably finish this monstrosity up in the next installment.  Thanks for reading, guys!  It’s great to be back, even for something this awful.  Tune in next week, and be sure to check out the Saved By the Bell Reviewed Podcast, starring me and several other hilarious geniuses.