That’s right, motherfuckers, we made it all the way to the season finale! After this we’ve only got seven more seasons of this shit, then maybe I’ll finally go get my Masters degree or something…
We open with DJ jamming out in her room to the latest hit by short-lived 80’s pop sensation Stacey Q. Her hairbrush-as-microphone routine is interrupted by Kimmy Gibbler, who arrives with a forged note from her brother so she can get out of school tomorrow to get Stacey Q’s autograph at the mall. Apparently it’s the perfect crime because her parents are in Vegas, which is the first of many indications to come that Kimmy Gibbler’s parents don’t give a shit about her. For some reason all the wacky neighbors on these TGIF shows had severely negligent parents. Remember Urkel’s Mom and Dad? Man, they hated his ass. That’s a little more understandable, though, on account of Urkel was always testing out inventions that destroyed everything. Kimmy Gibbler, on the other hand, is an amazing human being.
Down in the living room, Danny prepares for an overnight trip to L.A. to cover a surfing tournament. He writes a long, anal-retentive list of emergency contacts for the Uncles that includes Grandma even though she mysteriously disappeared after the 4th episode. You’d think Danny would have an emergency number to call to find out what the hell happened to her…
DJ tries to get Danny to sign a note excusing her from school so she can go meet Stacey Q. but Danny aint havin’ it. He gives her a patronizing speech about responsibility and heads out the door, leaving DJ alone to plan her next move.
Jesse is in his room practicing his shitty ass music when DJ comes in and says she’d like to interview him for an essay on the person she admires most. Really she’s just taking advantage of his vanity in order to get him to recount a story of successfully ditching school as a youth. Jesse falls for it and tells a story about how, once upon a time, young Uncle Jesse faked illness, got his mom to call in to the school, then convinced her that he was well enough to go to school after all and, finally, got away with ditching because he already had the called-in excused absence. DJ promptly leaves the room after acquiring this information, which you’d think would make Jesse suspicious. She doesn’t even humor him at all, she just gets the information and gets out of there.
In the very next scene DJ does a bunch of tricks to appear to be sick and then reports her illness to Joey and Stephanie. Joey calls the school to let them know that DJ won’t be attending and then she miraculously recovers. Joey expresses suspicion but ultimately concludes that she must have been faking illness to avoid a test but was so guilty over her deceit that she decided to go after all. He says he’s proud of her and then let’s her leave.
DJ and Kimmy finally get to meet Stacey Q! What an amazing event! As they’re leaving the store with their brand-new autographed 8X10’s they see Joey, who gets in the Stacey Q. line while holding Michelle on a leash. DJ and Kimmy hide behind a display but since Michelle is allowed to run free on an extremely long leash (it’s bad enough that he keeps her on a leash, but it actually looks like it’s just a phone cord he’s tied around her) she discovers them and unwittingly outs them to Joey. Boy does Uncle Joey get pissed!
Joey proceeds to call Jesse and insist that he come home early from his exterminator job. I guess he’s stilll got that job… there’s no mention of his other job as an Elvis impersonator, so I’m not sure yet if we’ll ever hear about it again… Anyway, Jesse eats a big plate of fried chicken while Joey describes the fast one DJ pulled on him. Jesse finally realizes that she wasn’t really writing an essay about what a cool guy he is and the two angry Uncles discuss what to do about their unruly niece.
The Uncles head up to DJ’s room and assign escalating punishments until DJ expresses remorse and declares that she hates herself. The Uncles soften and decide that it would be best if they don’t tell Danny about what happened, especially since it would draw attention to what a couple of fuck-up idiots they are. This seems kind of redundant, though, as the abundant clarity of this is pretty much the basis of this entire show.
Danny comes home and shouts, “cowabunga, dudes!!” while wearing an outfit that makes you want to punch him in the face even more than usual.
DJ and the Uncles maintain their false pretense of innocence for literally seconds until Stephanie comes home and blows the lid off their whole operation. When she says that DJ looks, “so much better,” (referring to her being sick) Danny is perplexed. When DJ claims that this is a reference to her getting her hair done, Stephanie declares, “you got gypped.” The term, “gypped,” is actually a racist term that refers to gypsies as people who steal or make dishonest transactions and is comparable to saying that someone was, “jewed” when they are overcharged for something. You know, when I tune into Full House, I expect wholesome family entertainment, not hateful bigotry. You’d think that a remark like that would lead to a heartwarming talk in order to instill better values, but in this case no one even bats an eye. I guess everyone in the full house hates gypsies.
So, anyway, the Uncles try to cover up the whole incident but Stephanie fucks it up even more by busting out the homework that DJ missed and pretty soon the cats outta the bag. Stephanie is outraged by being made an accomplice in this web of lies and Danny is pretty mad, too. He takes the Uncles aside and wags his fingers at them while declaring, “I want to know everything that goes on in my daughter’s lives,” which seems like kind of a tall order. Seriously, everything? Wouldn’t it be enough if they just didn’t lie to him about shit?
Danny and the Uncles patch things up and then Danny has a heartwarming chat with DJ about not being selfish. The music comes on and everybody hugs, thus bringing the first season of the worst sitcom of all time to a close.
And there you have it, we made it through Season 1. I thought about taking a break between seasons but I think I’ll just power through. Why prolong this torture? Next week I’ll be running a review of Season 1 as a whole, plus an extra bonus article, and then we’ll get started on season 2 the following Friday.
Firsts: Season finale, Kimmy’s negligent parents