Season 3, Episode 7, “And They Call It Puppy Love”

Pre-Credits Gag:  I don’t know, you guys.  I think this show is really starting to get to me. I meant this to be just a fun humor blog for people who were killing time at their day jobs but I’m afraid it’s going to become some sort of fucked up psychological endurance test instead.  It’s getting harder and harder to sit through this lousy garbage.  Anyway, enough about me, because Danny’s teaching Michelle how to sort laundry!  He tells her to put the different clothes in different color piles but she sorts the contents of her sandwich along with the laundry and then he starts kissing her.

In a rare scene set in the backyard, Jesse and Danny argue about Jesse needing to go to the DMV to renew his drivers license while Joey half-assedly keeps an eye on Michelle.  After Jesse and Danny exit the scene, a dog comes from pretty much out of nowhere and eats Joey’s sandwich.  Joey prepares to give Michelle a severe and extremely cathartic punch in the face for eating his sandwich but then the dog reappears, proving that her claims of innocence were true.  A quick glance at the dogs collar reveals that the dog’s name is Minnie and that she’s from Ohio.  Stephanie enters the scene and, upon taking a single glance at Minnie, claims her as the newfound property of the full house.

Stephanie gives Minnie a tour of the full house and the dog takes a quick liking to Jesse’s bed.  DJ spies the dog and begins conspiring with Joey to keep her without telling Danny.  After some debate on this subject, Joey and the girls all decide to take a nap with the dog on Jesse’s bed, which has to be one of the weirdest endings to a scene so far.

Danny comes home and is very suspicious to find Joey filling up a bowl with water because, really, how many reasons are there to fill a bowl up with water?  Very suspicious behavior, indeed.  And here we are, YET AGAIN, in one of those painfully tired situations in which someone is doing a terrible job of concealing something from another member of the full household that you know is only gonna last like 3 minutes anyway.  Prolonging the suspense, Jesse interrupts the interaction by coming home hella mad because he failed his drivers test.

After Jesse is looked down upon by the other dad’s for being a big loser who can’t pass a drivers test, the girls enter the scene and try to warm Danny up to the idea of getting a dog.  Meanwhile, Jesse finds the dog in his bed and Michelle tries to cover up the situation.

Jesse scolds her for telling a lie and assures her that she’ll be receiving a punch in the face later for such unacceptable behavior.  Finally!  Michelle tries to convince Jesse that they should keep Minnie but then the dog starts walking around with Jesse’s favorite sexy leopard print undies in her mouth and Jesse’s like, aw hell naw.

Danny finally discovers the dog and he and Jesse combat Joey and the girl’s annoying whining about how bad they want to keep her.  While the debate rages on the dog lays on the floor and it’s discovered that she’s pregnant.  Oh, snap!

After the commercial break it turns out that not only is the dog pregnant, but she’s actually in labor right there and then.  You know, you’d think they might have made any effort whatsoever to make that dog look convincingly pregnant.  It’s all svelte and shit…  Anyway, DJ gets advice on the phone from the never-seen-on-screen-Mrs. Gibbler and everyone helps with the delivery except for Jesse, who’s like, fuck that shit, I gots to study for my drivers exam.

Jesse dicks around in the kitchen and eats fried chicken while he’s supposed to be studying for his drivers test and so DJ gives him a strict tutorial about how to hunker down.  Meanwhile, Stephanie asks Danny how the dog got pregnant and Danny stammers his way through an elaborate fabrication about doggy romance.

The dog runs upstairs and gets into Jesse’s bed to have her babies in and then everyone stands around and argues about the situation.  Abruptly, the dog begins to produce puppies and then everyone is so moved by the miracle of life that gentle music comes on and everyone forgets their petty squabbles.  Everyone has some dumb ass comment to add to the experience but I think the most quotable one is DJ’s, “nature is so awesome.”  Despite DJ’s newfound regard for nature they don’t seem to pay it much respect here, as the babies come out all clean and perfect looking.  Where’s the placenta, huh?  I guess the universe that Full House takes place in is one devoid of vaginal mucous.

Next there are some shots of the dog nursing her puppies and then some stock footage of San Francisco, I guess because the moment was so heartwarming that it sent shockwaves of love throughout the city.  Or maybe the episode was 10 seconds shorter than they needed it to be.

Minnie’s owner comes to the full house to reclaim his dog and all the puppies.  It’s pretty weird how they never explain how the dog was from Ohio but ended up in San Francisco.  Did this guy move from there or what?  Why provide that vague back story and then not address it at all in the end?  Also, they never say whether or not Jesse passed his drivers test, so why the fuck did they have that story in here at all either?  Anyway, Minnie’s owner is so grateful to the family for taking care of his enigmatically misplaced dog that he offers to let them keep one of the puppies.  Danny resists ownership for about ten seconds but then the family breaks him down.  And with that, the Tanner family officially has a dog.

I guess that this show didn’t feel like it was pandering enough to its audience with 3 little girls so they threw a dog up in the mix.  I have to admit that this episode was less excruciating than the last few but it’s still pretty pathetic how desperately this show works at being emotionally affective.  The last shot is of the baby carrying one of the puppies, and if you look up, just above the screen in bright red letters, there’s a giant lit-up teleprompter that says, “aww.”

Firsts:  The dog (unnamed in this episode, but soon to be named Comet)