Season 3, Episode 10, “The Greatest Birthday on Earth”

Pre-Credits Gag:  DJ asks Michelle if she wants to participate in a recording that is being made for Grandma.  Good ol’ Grandma…  although we may never see her on camera ever again, she’s still alluded to from time to time if it serves the purpose of a cheap shtick.  Also noteworthy in this scene is how much more articulate Michelle has become, presumably because she would age during gaps between tapings.  Kids… one day they’re barely able to string two words together, and then before you know it they’re spewing out obnoxious, bratty catch-phrases.  Anyway, DJ and Michelle sing, “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” into the recording device and there isn’t even a joke at the end or anything.

Michelle anxiously awaits her third birthday, which is all set to have a circus themed party.  Jesse tries to convince everyone to have an Elvis themed party instead due to his hatred of clowns (wow, that’s the first time I’ve ever related to anyone on this show about anything) but the circus theme prevails.  Maybe if Jesse had been able to suggest a better alternative he could have persuaded the rest of the family to change the theme, but unfortunately Jesse is such an under-developed character that his range of interests only allow him to pull from a pathetically shallow pool of ideas.  Seriously, what else could he possibly come up with besides an Elvis theme?   A fried chicken themed party?  A feeling conflicted about outgrowing your rebellious youth themed party?  How about a Rebecca Donaldson’s hot ass themed party?  Actually, that sounds pretty good…  Maybe I’ll keep that in mind for my own next birthday…

Up in the girls’ room, DJ decides to play the role of the lion tamer at the circus party, using the puppy as her lion.  ISN’T THAT SO ADORABLE!??!  Stephanie decides to be the juggler even though she sucks ass at it.

Danny comes home with a clown cake for the party and bitches about how fucked up his car is.  Jesse agrees to fix it for him and then has the nerve to try to charge him for it even though he lives at Danny’s house for free and has a lucrative career in advertising.  Prick.  Michelle barges in and is all excited for her stupid party and then starts eating the cake with her hands.  Everyone laughs at how adorable this is even though it’s the brattiest thing I’ve ever seen and is clearly behavior that’s warrants discouragement.

Watching this stupid show has really brought a lot to my attention about why the Olson twins turned out to be so fucked up.  Think about it:  when you’re a baby everyone thinks everything you do is great, right?  And then you get a little older and you have to learn that certain behavior is not ok and that everyone doesn’t think it’s really that adorable that you want to be the center of attention all the time.  Well, in the case of the Olson twins, that never happened.  Not only did they have a whole tv studio worth of people encouraging them to act out all the time, but they also had an entire studio audience watching and laughing while they did it.  And not only were they never discouraged about doing things like eating their birthday cake with their hands, they were actually PAYED TO DO IT!  So what happens to a person when they’re raised this way?  I guess they grow up to be a coke-snorting, anorexic, untalented billionaire celebutante who’re famous for…  I don’t know what.  Being an annoying brat in the early 90’s, I guess.

Anyway, back to the scene:  Stephanie enters and demonstrates that she’s still a shitty juggler.  Jesse takes Stephanie and Michelle for a drive in Danny’s fucked up car and Joey starts eating the cake with his hands just like the baby did.  See, that part I don’t get.  While this series serves as evidence for why the Olsen twins are the way they are, what’s the explanation for what’s wrong with Joey?  Seriously, how did he get like that?

While Joey and Danny finish putting the circus decorations up at the full house, Jesse calls from a gas station to let them know that the car is being fixed.  I thought Jesse was supposed to fix the car?  The gas station attendant tells them that the car is good to go and then Jesse and the girls all decide to take giant shits before heading back to the full house.  And wouldn’t you know it?  While they’re all shitting, the gas station attendant goes home and unknowingly locks them inside the station.  You might think that he’d notice their unattended car right outside or that he’d check to make sure that they’d left in the 10 seconds since he’d seen them, but no.

After dropping their enormous shits, Jesse and the girls realize that they’re trapped inside the station, which apparently has no phone or windows or any method of exiting aside from the garage door that locks from the outside.  Michelle realizes that she won’t be able to attend her dumb ass circus party and gentle music plays as she makes a sad face and the audience goes, “aww.”

While DJ tries to stall the party guests, Joey and Danny finish applying their clown costumes.  Oh, man.  You know, I was always at a loss to come up with something that would make me hate Joey and Danny’s stupid faces more than I already do, but then they just had to go and put clown costumes on.

A knock at the back door marks the arrival of some kid and his big titty aunt, who Joey and Danny both spit hella game at even though they’re dressed like clowns (not that it really makes any difference).  I like how people can just show up at the back door whenever it’s convenient for staging.

Jesse concludes that there’s no way to escape the garage while Michelle bitches and moans about missing her stupid fucking circus party.  I don’t know, man, if you gave me a choice between the two, I think I’d rather hang out at the garage.   Jesse feels guilt about the situation and then has a moment of inspiration as he stares at a funnel….

No…  no!  Not again!  Those of you who’ve been following this blog for a while may remember that one of the absolute worst moments in this endless stream of unwatchable bullshit was Jesse’s ridiculous Christmas speech in which he tried to convince a group of stranded airline passengers to pretend that a snowed in terminal was a delightful and heartwarming holiday gathering.  Now Jesse has decided to pretend that a filthy garage is a circus party.  Well, fuck.  It’s bad enough that they’ve already started recycling storylines on this show (as noted as recently as last episode), now they have to revisit the worst scene in the entire series?  Why can’t they ever bring back shit I actually enjoyed, like when Joey got hit in the head with a coconut in the Hawaii episode?  How come the only things that get repeated are stupid shit like corny inspirational moments and annoying catch-phrases instead of something I’d actually like to repeated, like Joey being in physical pain?
So even though Michelle is mysteriously missing the rest of the family decide to start the circus party anyway because there’s a bunch of kids sitting around so what else are they going to do?  DJ does her lion tamer act with the adorable puppy and even though I just watched it I can’t seem to remember it.  Then Joey and Danny come out in their clown outfits and aggressively drain my will to live.  They do a bunch of slapsticky bullshit and then Danny tries to fuck that big titty aunt some more, who, incidentally, is the only other adult at the party for some reason.  Joey salts Danny’s game so Danny pours a bunch of food down his pants.

And if that’s not already enough to make you feel like your last semblance of logic and reason is crumbling around you, there’s a ring at the doorbell and what’s at the door?  A fuckin’ elephant!  How did it even ring the doorbell?

Meanwhile, Jesse and Stephanie put on their own circus for Michelle inside the filthy garage.  For reals?  That circus they just had at the full house was exhausting!  Now I gotta sit through this shit?

Jesse and Stephanie make a pathetic facsimile of the circus with a bunch of filthy junk they find laying around the garage.  The big climax of their unnerving performance is when Stephanie tries to juggle.  You see how this show rewards you when you pay close attention to the elements of the story?  I don’t know if I’d go so far to say that she successfully juggles, but she does manage to throw the balls in the air and catch them one time, and that seems to be good enough for the audience.  Just as they run out of material, the gas station attendant returns, thereby liberating them from their hellish imprisonment.

Jesse brings the girls back to the full house just in time to miss the circus party and Danny gets hella mad and yells at Jesse.  The girls explain that Jesse put on a disgusting circus while they were trapped and then Danny is deeply touched, all the way down to his butthole.  If you think about it, though, the circus that Jesse put on was less than 3 minutes long, so it’s only because the gas station attendant came back and freed them right when it ended that it really made such a difference.  What if they’d been trapped for like 6 more hours?  Would 3 minutes of distraction even really done that much to lighten the mood?  Anyway, whatever, at least the music doesn’t come on this time.

So then they take Michelle into the back yard and she rides around on that elephant and that’s it.  Fuck, that was a rough one, you guys.  It’s weird how much worse this show is when it feels like the people behind it are really trying.  They worked really hard to make that as awful as it was.

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59 Responses to Season 3, Episode 10, “The Greatest Birthday on Earth”

  1. Teebore says:

    Haha! The “locked in the auto repair shop” episode. This is another one I randomly remember more vividly than others for some reason.

    So what happens to a person when they’re raised this way? I guess they grow up to be a coke-snorting, anorexic, untalented billionaire celebutante who’re famous for… I don’t know what. Being an annoying brat in the early 90’s, I guess.

    And they probably still eat cake with their damn hands…

    You might think that he’d notice their unattended car right outside or that he’d check to make sure that they’d left in the 10 seconds since he’d seen them, but no.

    Seriously, could the writers have been any lazier in setting up this plot contrivance? Who closes down their business for the day and leaves within 30 seconds? Doesn’t he have some paperwork to do, the register to count, some tools to clean and put away?

    Jesse concludes that there’s no way to escape the garage

    Other than those windows I see over his shoulder in that one screen cap, apparently…


  2. I’m not going to lie, I would attend the crap out of a Fried Chicken party. Also, this site gives me something to look forward to. Love it. Still love Full House, but man this site is the shiznit.

    Also would pay money for a Full House Reviewed shirt. Real money too, not just the Monopoly money that Jesse and Joey were presumably paying Danny.


  3. kw says:

    actually though, the olsen twins were probably just like all these other stage kids — used to extravagant praise and attention, but WHIPPED into shape by their moms. spend any time around a normal child and you’ll start to be amazed they can get anything on film with child actors — doing what they’re told?? doing something other than their spontaneous selfish impulse?? crazy. so they were probably pretty pliant and obedient girls. still utterly talentless. but under control.

    i’ve been reading through your blog for the last three days and laughing my ass off. this stupid show!!!


  4. The Complexities of Full House says:

    Michelle deciding the cake was for her and her alone…….little bit ‘o foreshadowing. Soon she will get older. And theoretically better able to control her impulses. And cake will show up again on the Tanners’ dining room table, this time for Jesse and Becky’s wedding. And she will once again face plant it into frosting. Is this because the writers were bereft of ideas or because no one punished her the first time around? We all wait with baited breath.


  5. I thought Jesse failed his driver’s testa few episodes back? Did that get resolved at some point or is he driving without a license?


    • Leroy Cook says:

      good god…. good point. where do the redundancies end?


    • Lauren H says:

      That’s an excellent point!

      And what about the car… Didn’t Danny just get this car as a 30th birthday present like less than a year ago? I know it’s “used” but you’d think when you get a “new” car, the first thing you’d do is make sure it’s in good shape. I can’t imagine it would already need work.


  6. I’m surprised no one has mentioned that they had a frickin’ ELEPHANT at her birthday party. Who does that? That entire horrible family acts like the ugly baby is a golden idol.


    • manos says:

      I love you. That is all.


    • Santanaonfire says:

      On the front steps no less! I remember some comments on a previous episode speculating about the horse getting into the living room. Also, the live on a metropolitan residential street chock-full of row houses.

      You would think there would be some kind of zoning against having an elephant on your front steps. I would have called the cops if I was their neighbor.


      • Jenna says:

        Also, there’s only about a hundred steps up from the street to the front door… how in the hell do humongous elephant feet manage that?!


      • Bridget says:

        Why did no one mention the Pants Party in “Anchorman” when Brick asked Veronica to the party in his pants?


  7. Matt says:

    Clown-Joey somehow manages to be both gayer and scarier than Pennywise in “IT”. Look at how his beady, soul-less eyes give a “you’re a dead bitch!” glare at that slut for trying to get a ride on Danny’s meat-pole.
    You can tell his plans for later that night involved a shovel and a bag of lime.


  8. brendan says:

    new reader here. started season one during this past week and im already here. just wanted to thank you for your brilliance and diligence with this daunting exhausting task. this truly is the most amazing blog ever.

    happy thanksgiving. im thankful for you doing this. keep trucking!

    thanks again!


  9. brendan says:



  10. Pete says:

    The third picture of Michelle and the cake is really disturbing thanks to Danny’s bulge. Seriously, can those jeans get any tighter? I applaud you for reviewing every episode of this show. 8 seasons, damn.


  11. Mumu says:

    Who the fuck takes little kids out for a ride in a busted car?? Or were they hoping to kiil off Michelle? Happy birthday indeed!


  12. Lauren H says:

    Lord, I TOTALLY forgot this episode existed. You want to know how I could forget such a wonderful piece of are? Because it’s a big pile of dog shit and I fucking HATED it! Here are some reasons why I blocked this shit from my memory, and will do once again once this post is complete:

    1) There are clowns in it, and I hate clowns.
    2) The craptastic circus party in the body shop. The only way I buy an attendant not making one run through the shop before closing up shop is they’d have to be super smoked up.
    3) Jesse and Stephanie say “Bada Bing” about 1,200 times.


  13. Jeff says:

    “…all the way down to his butthole.”

    That deserves a Peabody.


  14. Zozo says:

    Zomg, DJ’s totally frenching Comet in the second screen shot.


  15. Lisa says:

    The elephant books the job, gets himself to the correct address of the party, climbs the millions of front steps, rings the doorbell, puts on his show, and most probably collects his check at the end of the party… ALL BY HIMSELF. Where the eff is his trainer??


  16. PuppetDoctor says:

    Why does DJ in this episode have her old hairstyle from Seasons 1 & 2?


  17. creamsoda says:

    Even when I was a kid and watched this show, I seemed to remember hating it soooo much. It just seemed so ridiculous to me. Wheres the garage door buttons? It makes no sense!! Wheres the phone?


  18. kp199 says:

    They celebrated Michelle’s birthday twice on this show (because it’s all about her), and DJ’s 13th birthday, but NEVER celebrated any birthday for Stephanie. Such BS. Hell, they even celebrated Danny’s 30th and Jesse’s 26th. WTF.


  19. Wileyk2012 says:

    OK, why does Joey in his clown getup remind me of Ronald McDonald with a Mickey Mouse voice?


  20. michmich says:

    I never realized the shit ton of fried chicken that was consumed on this show before I started reading this blog. What is with the writers fixation on poultry? Did they ever randomly mention Jesse having severe food allergies to every other kind of meat or talk about him being a part-time chicken farmer in addition to being a bug killing, jingle writing, Elvis impersonator?


    • DJ Tanner's Diet says:

      This has come up in the comments sections of previous episodes and I’m sure you’re long gone from this blog by now but I’m gonna answer it here anyway, for the benefit of future readers: billysuperstar watched the DVD extras for season 1 and apparently John Stamos wanted fried chicken-lovin’ as one of Jesse’s character traits. Presumably because Elvis obsessively loved fried chicken. Now, why this eventually extended to the whole family (I remember in another episode, Michelle sneaked downstairs to watch Arsenio and got out a whole bucket of KFC…) is not clear but I assume it has something to do with the writers being terribly incompetent. And why would they be competent anyway? We’re only in the middle of season 3 and the viewing public was already lapping this shit up.


  21. Stacy says:

    With Danny being such an anal retentive neat freak, there’s just no way he’d (a) dump a shit ton of food down Joey’s pants in the living room or (b) allow an elephant – an animal known for taking massive dumps – in the living room (hell, I wouldn’t want an elephant taking a dump in my back yard for that matter much less inside my house and I’m not even a neat freak in the slightest).

    Oh, and I’ve been meaning to comment about continuity – like with Stephanie losing a tooth in one episode but it being back in the next; Danny turning 30 in one episode, but then being 29 again later…not in defense of the show – but I know from watching other shows’ dvd commentaries that often the shows are taped in the correct order but for whatever reason (network decisions, etc.) they are not actually aired in that same order which causes some continuity issues. So there is a chance the writers weren’t completely inept at keeping track of what had already gone on in previous episodes.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Pin a rose on your nose says:

    I noticed billysuperstar called Michelle by her name rather than The Baby in this post.

    I can’t stand those moments when Michelle dives head first into a cake and eats with her hands because no one is stopping her! You hear them laughing. That drives me crazy. It’s not cute! Someone spent money on that cake!


    • kt says:

      I know, right? The adults just stand there and giggle at Michelle every time she acted like a spoiled brat. It was like they were in awe of her. That always bugged me, even as a kid. I wonder if it ever bothered the actors in real life to treat her like she was such a princess on the show or if they did it with gritted teeth.


  23. natalie. says:

    So, I really love reading this blog and am currently going through the entire archive because it’s so funny, but your comments about the Olsen’s as adults here are cruel and have kind of taken the fun out this. Eating disorders are life-threatening indicators of serious psycological unrest, not evidence of being shallow and stupid as people wrongly assume. And substance abuse can be looked at in the same way. Why make fun of them for struggling when you clearly recognize that their abnormal childhood is something that could really throw a person off course? It just sucks that you would do that when everything else on this blog points to you having a pretty good moral compass. And I want to throw in that without even following them closely, I know the Olsen’s run between 3 and 5 fashion lines that they’re very hands-on about and that are all extremely successful; they don’t just sit around doing nothing even though they made enough money before puberty to never work again. What is there to honestly mock in that scenario?


    • The Retroptimist says:

      I love how everybody assumes celebrities are just permanently rich forever.


    • Parklife says:

      I agree completely with the above comment! I love this blog too-seriously! But ED’s are no joke and the Olsen twins work ethic cannot be slated. Although they were shite actresses, they are incredible fashion designers!


  24. Blake says:

    The two lines I remember from this episode:

    1. Jo-Jo the clown saying there’s a “party in his pants.” Where to even begin with that?

    2. The repair shop owner returning to the garage, and upon discovering Jesse and the girls, saying “What the H-E-double hockey sticks is going on here?” 10-year-old me thought that was an awesome way to get away with saying “hell.”


    • SteveInSanDiego says:

      What was going on, sir, is that your dipshit ass forgot that people were in your shop before you hauled ass out of there for the night. Duh!


  25. JohnMo says:

    Is it just me, or is every mom, aunt, date, girlfriend, who comes by the Full House, pretty effing hot?


  26. John CW says:

    “Up in the girls’ room…”

    Oh my god. You did it. You actually did it! I knew you could do it, Billy. I never stopped believing in you.


  27. alexisofallon says:

    Thanks for writing this blog. I found it after my friend got stuck in the subway and referenced the horrible episode where they terrorize everyone on the Muni. I stumbled into it after some googling. I just asked my Mom why we watched this sh!tty sh!tty show. I remember getting so angry at it, even as a small child. She said there were only like three channels and it was between some other shows that were at least semi-tolerable. She said we mostly ignored it and often had to leave the room as it was so intolerable. So there you have it.


  28. Sara Wilson says:

    I would like to point out (because I didn’t see it brought up in the comments) that the “aunt” or whoever she is supposed to be who shows up at the birthday party and Danny is hitting on, is the same woman who he will come to date in a later season- the one who has the extremely messy apartment! Surely she’s not supposed to be the same character, but it’s the same actress. You’d think they could have tried to write that in somehow when she appears later.


    • Lisa says:

      And she’s Rebecca Donaldson’s sister Connie, Howie’s mom! She was in the Howie episode and later the wedding episodes.


  29. williec29 says:

    Continuity is always a problem on this show. I always picture the writers sitting around a formica table eating bad takeout saying, all right let’s knock this episode out in five minutes. So michelle has a birthday and she misses it, ok good let’s fill in the blanks….. a dirty garage…. circus party…


  30. Charles says:

    I could have lived my entire life without seeing Dave Coulier get jacked off by an elephant.


  31. Jeanne says:

    It’s kind of funny Danny had a problem with a horse in his home in a previous episode, yet allows an elephant to walk thru their home and yard. Also, how did the elephant get up all those stairs?
    Also, none of this goes with Danny’s cleanliness. The elephant, spilling food all over the place, having children wander all over the home… I’m surprised he kept his shit together.
    How did Jesse not know until the day of the party that it was circus-themed? And he thinks they’re gonna suddenly change the theme for his own selfish reasons?
    If my kid ate their birthday cake like that I’d be hella pist. How are they gonna serve that cake to the party now?
    Why would Michelle need to go to a mechanic with her uncle right before her birthday party starts? And why bring Stephanie? But not dj… Furthermore.. Why did any of this need to be done right before having a ton of people over?


  32. Stephen says:

    I seriously wish I could’ve had an amazing birthday party like that. And they have another one later, the Flintstones party with all the props and costumes and everything. I know it’s a TV show but come on . . . even today there’s kids who have super expensive overly-decorated birthday parties, and they’re like, 1. People rent fancy banquet rooms, get fancy balloon decor and other super expensive shit, and make a bunch of cakes and cupcakes and even buy shirts for their babies that say “I’m ONE!” You should see some of those parties, it’s unbelievable. At least some people still have a low-key party at the house, and that will be me if I ever have kids. When I turned 1, we had a party at the house, with chocolate cake, and a Sesame street tablecloth and a banner. No balloons, no cupcakes, no fancy banquet room. The biggest and best party I probably ever had so far was my 5th birthday, back in June 1994. I got a shitload of helium balloons and my mom made me an Aladdin cake, and I got my first bike with even more balloons tied on, then the next day I had my kiddie party, with the rest of the cake leftover from the family party. I had a bowling party with my friends when I turned 10. I didn’t have the biggest parties ever, but my mom always made awesome cakes. Once, she saw napkins with a picture of a fire engine and she drew that onto my cake.


    • Bridget says:

      Wow, Stephen! Does your mom do the cakes as a hobby or a living? I think the other parents would be very impressed by a mom who can do that kind of cake decorating! I sell cakes as a cashier at Walmart that are decorated and all and they are quite expensive!


  33. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    1). Poor elephant. One day it’s roaming free in the jungles of Africa, captured and forced to perform for these injits.

    2). Eating disorders suck. We had a family issue recently when someone had fainted because they went on a crash diet. She’s hopefully getting the help that she needs for her eating disorder.

    3). Subconsciously, I think that Hermes wanted to deprive Michelle of her party because…well…they spoiled her so…that’s a moot point right there


  34. Liz says:

    Haha, Joey dressed as a clown sounded like Mickey Mouse and looked like Ronald McDonald


  35. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    So, does this aunt who is sitting on the couch actually help the adults clean up the spilled smartfood and frito lay products off the floor? Or is she just there to view the entertainment?


  36. CanOx says:

    Yeah that was Howie’s mom!


  37. Mr Malatesticle says:

    Do you know an elephant turd weighs as much as an adult human? Interesting that on this show we have an elephant sticking his trunk down the pants of an adult sized turd.


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