Season 4, Episode 13, “Happy New Year”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle learns about caterpillars.

Joey makes a series of desperate phone calls as he tries to find a date for New Years Eve.  Pouring salt on the gaping wound that is his pathetic loneliness, the other dads come home from a double-date with their hot lady friends and start making out in the living room.  Danny, Cindy (making her 3rd appearance!), Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson urge Joey to find a date for the upcoming New Years Eve party at the tv station so he’s not an even bigger 5th wheel burden to have around than he usually is.

Kimmie Gibbler comes over and invites DJ to her New Years Eve rager.  DJ gets all excited about going until Stephanie reminds her that she has to watch her and Michelle that night.  It’s really weird how Stephanie gloats like an asshole about it, like she’s reveling in the fact that it sucks for her her sister to have to hang out with her lame ass instead of going to a rad party.

DJ complains to Danny that she wants to sneak a sip of champagne and use it as an excuse to let some oily boy with half a mustache feel her up on New Years instead of being obligated to sit around with her ugmo sisters but then Joey volunteers to watch the girls because he really doesn’t have anything better to do.  The other dads try to console Joey about the fact that it would be impossible for any woman to love him unless he got a bunch of plastic surgery and completely changed everything about his personality and then Joey slinks off to the basement while the audience goes, “aww.”

Jesse and Danny decide to set up a hidden camera in the attic studio to trick Joey into being interviewed for a video dating service.  Danny summons Joey with an intercom that they’ve never shown before, but I guess it stands to reason that they’d have something like that because the full house is hella big.  While they wait for Joey to come upstairs, the other dads fumble through an introduction to his interview, which is as bungling and awkward as it is superfluous.  Did video dating service recordings ever have introductions by the person’s friends?

Joey comes upstairs in his bathrobe with shaving cream all over his face, which leads me to conclude that the intercom in the attic is connected to another one in the shower in Joey’s basement bathroom.  Why did they have to introduce an intercom at all if its only purpose was to point out how absurd it’s use was?  If they’d just called down the stairs and he came up like that it would have made sense.  Why do they have to go to the trouble of adding extra details if it just makes things more illogical?

So anyway, the video dating ad recording is completely ridiculous.  Danny and Jesse never tells Joey that he’s being recorded because they think he has too much pride (that’s a first!) so they just weird him out for a couple of minutes by making him sit in a chair while they talk into an easel about how rad he is.

In the next scene Jesse and Danny tell Joey that they recorded him and now have a tape of women who want to date him, which prevents Joey from getting mad about them soliciting him without consent.  The first few women on the tape are totally awful, although the first one says she’s into “water sports,” which seems like it would be right up Joey’s alley.  Right before Joey decides to give up, he sees a recording of a woman named Christine and is immediately smitten with her.  He calls her up and invites her to sit around the full house with him and the girls on New Years Eve and she agrees to come, which is a pretty major red flag if you ask me.  After he gets off the phone, Joey stares at Christine’s image on the tv and says that he thinks that he’s in love with her, which is an even bigger red flag.

As the family get ready to go to their various New Years Eve parties, a big ass Christmas tree prominently displayed in the living room reminds me that I dodged a bullet by not having to sit through another shitty Christmas episode.  That one from Season 2 still stands out in my mind at the shittiest viewing experience I’ve had while writing this blog, which is really saying something.  Anyway, Danny and Cindy leave Rusty at the full house and he threatens Stephanie by telling her that he’s gonna kiss her at midnight.

Christine shows up at the full house and she and Joey are immediately smitten with one another.  As they get to know each other, they discover that they both love rollerblading and Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons.  Those might seem like some pretty shallow connections, but in the world of Full House that’s about as deep as anyone’s personality gets.

As the countdown to midnight reaches it’s final minutes, Rusty continues to sexually harass Stephanie.  DJ comes home with Ricky, the sexy paperboy from a few episodes ago, and reports that Kimmie Gibbler’s party got out of control and everyone got kicked out.  Moments later, Jesse, Rebecca Donaldson, Danny and Cindy all come home, claiming that they decided to ring in the New Year with the people they care about most, their obnoxious family of worthless assholes.

Right when the ball drops, Stephanie takes a big bite out of an onion and then forcibly kisses Rusty. 1991’s gonna be the best year ever, you guys!

As Joey and Christine slow dance in the backyard, they try to figure out how to express the mounting excitement they feel towards each other and decide to drive to Tahoe to get married.  Joey goes inside and announces his plans and everyone’s like, “what the fuck’s wrong with you, Joey?  Even considering the unbelievably low standards you’ve cultivated for your behavior, this is just totally unacceptable!”  They fail to reason with him because Joey’s a fucking idiot but then he starts to realize what he’s doing and then Christine shows up at the back door and tells him that they need to talk.  They go out to the backyard and decide that they shouldn’t get married yet, which is too bad for Joey because I bet it’s really necessary for him to rope a woman into a commitment as quickly as possible on account of his micropenis.

Well, that was probably the most meandering storyline so far.  That whole Joey-getting-married plot didn’t even start until the last 2 minutes of the episode.  I wonder if we’ll ever see Christine again?

Firsts:  Joey has pride, Christine

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24 Responses to Season 4, Episode 13, “Happy New Year”

  1. Teebore says:

    This is was one of your funniest reviews yet. I think ragging on Joey brings out the best in you. 😉

    Cindy (making her 3rd appearance!)

    Between her and Rusty, this show is starting to have actual continuity. I wonder if the grandmothers are pissed they’re still stuck in Limbo?

    Did video dating service recordings ever have introductions by the person’s friends?

    Do you think 30 years from now, when someone is writing about an online dating service plot on a show airing nowadays, we’ll laugh at that the same way we laugh at the idea of video dating now? Will be like, “oh, silly 00s and your online dating! Now we just have robo-dating!”?

    he threatens Stephanie by telling her that he’s gonna kiss her at midnight.

    I thought he was all up in DJ’s cheddar business last time? Eh, whatever. Take what you can get Rusty…

    Firsts: Joey has pride

    Bwa-ha-ha!

    Like

  2. Mr.Panther says:

    getting closer and closer to that urkel guest spot episode

    Like

  3. PattyD says:

    My boisterous laughter at the “micropenis” was probably too harsh for even a complete loser like Joey. But then again, I probably only feel this way because he hasn’t yet started assaulting us with weekly appearances of that damned Mr. Woodchuck puppet.

    Side note: I cracked up in a store this week when “You Oughta Know” came on & I remembered your “cross-eyed bear” joke (and the insane criticism that followed…).

    Like

  4. tinribs27 says:

    This might betray my ignorance of American geography a little, but what’s the big deal with Tahoe? It seems like every other episode someone is hauling ass for Tahoe for some weird reason or another. Is Lake Tahoe close to San Francisco or something?

    Like

    • Jenn says:

      Tahoe is about four hours from SF proper (depending on traffic and how you drive), so it’s a popular destination for vacation in winter (skiing) and summer (lake things). It’s on the border between California and Nevada, so I assume that if you go to the Nevada side, you can get a quickie marriage like in Vegas.

      Like

  5. This may have been mentioned before, but I am always amused by how you only refer to Rebecca Donaldson by her full name instead of just calling her Becky.

    Anyway, thanks for your dedication. These reviews never fail to make me laugh, and I actually never noticed Jesse’s fried chicken obsession before you pointed it out, and I’ve seen these episodes a million times each growing up so thanks for that as well!

    Like

  6. Pete says:

    As goofy as Full House was, it was surprisingly realistic at times. How Joey reacted with that whole video dating thing is how guys react now with online dating.

    Like

    • Wiley207 says:

      It was also pretty realistic on how the Christmas decorations were all seen, though it was New Years’ Eve. Many people in real life leave their Christmas decorations and trees up until after New Years’ (but not us this year!)

      Like

      • Stephen says:

        New Years Day is when we take down our tree and put all the Christmas stuff away. I’m usually SO SICK of looking at it by then but it’s still nice to have it up during New Years. Once we had it up several days after New Years.

        Like

  7. “Right when the ball drops, Stephanie takes a big bite out of an onion and then forcibly kisses Rusty.”

    This was probably the only cool thing Stephanie ever did.

    “1991′s gonna be the best year ever, you guys!”

    Yeah, it was, Nirvana’s Nevermind came out! Although, my personal favorite was In Utero, which was released in 1993.

    Like

  8. kp199 says:

    Pre-Credits Gag: Michelle learns about caterpillars.

    Does that bitch have to be the pre-credit gag every time? I think it’s been like once where she wasn’t a part of it.

    although the first one says she’s into “water sports,”

    OMG, how did I miss that? Wow, that’s just….W-O-W. I wouldn’t ever want Joey’s piss coming anywhere near me.

    Like

  9. Katie Kaw says:

    This is the first episode I noticed the Jessie/Becky apartment renovation. With the addition of the twins this officially makes the house bursting at the seams! I don’t know how much more they can sheet-rock over to make more room. Also, I know this is true for many episodes but how the he’ll does Joey get so many pretty woman!!! He is not funny and a total looser who officially lives in someone’s basement.

    Like

  10. Sarah Portland says:

    “Pre-credit gag: Michelle learns about caterpillars.”
    Really? You have a choice spot on prime-time television, the coveted 8 pm slot on TGIF, and THIS is how you waste it? With a segment that would make more sense on Mister Roger’s Neighborhood?
    No, I didn’t mean that… Mister Roger’s Neighborhood is fucking awesome. I would watch that show all day. Although I’m fairly convinced that not even Fred Rogers would have the patience not to slap Michelle Tanner.

    Like

  11. Bridget says:

    I saw Mr. Rogers give the double bird to the camera in a picture and it was genuine! I saw it on the Cracked.com website.

    Like

  12. “Moments later, Jesse, Rebecca Donaldson, Danny and Cindy all come home, claiming that they decided to ring in the New Year with the people they care about most, their obnoxious family of worthless assholes.”

    This line made me laugh for some reason, other than the fact this whole blog is hella funny!

    Like

    • “They go out to the backyard and decide that they shouldn’t get married yet, which is too bad for Joey because I bet it’s really necessary for him to rope a woman into a commitment as quickly as possible on account of his micropenis.”

      Okay, you got me again!! 😀 😀 😀

      Like

  13. Megan says:

    i love this one its so cute.

    Like

  14. Ashley says:

    I’m surprised you didn’t mention how annoying Michelle was in this one. She kept shouting “Happy New Year!” for the entire episode.

    Like

  15. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    Why doesn’t Joey’s “not wife” want anyone to touch her feet? Then again, isn’t that like any other woman in the world?

    Like

  16. Lisa says:

    OK, random trivia fact (man, I wish I wasn’t 3 years late to this game) … Yvette Nipar, the actress who plays Christine in this episode, is seen like one more time and disappears into the mist, is the real life former wife of Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend who faked his death. Weird.

    Like

  17. Lol, I never noticed how much of fucking dipshits the Tanner’s are. My favorite characters are Steph cuz she has the best comebacks and Jesse cuz he’s fucking hot. But lol, love your reviews.

    Like

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