Pre-Credits Gag: It’s about Jesse teaching Michelle how to play the drums but never mind that, just look at her outfit.
Michelle has been given the title of “Politeness Monitor” at her school for the week, which permits her to get all up in everyone’s faces to make sure they say “please” and shit like that. She gets really aggressive with Stephanie, flashing her badge and sternly warning, “I’ll be watching you, mister.”
This reminds me that I’ve pretty much ignored that Michelle has been saying “mister” after damn near every sentence for kind of a while now. It started with her saying, “you got it, dude,” and then just saying “dude” at the end of all sorts of phrases. That was such a big hit that they needed some other hilarious way for her to address people and I guess the best they could come up with was, “mister.” She says it like 4 or 5 times an episode and it gets a big laugh each time, which is a pretty solid verification that this show was completely on auto-pilot by this point.
DJ comes home and starts kissing Danny’s ass. When he asks her what she wants she tries to hit him up for a $160 pair of shoes, which strikes Danny as absurd. Man, what’s up with all these cheap ass, incredibly rich parents on tv? The Huxtables always pulled this shit, too, and it always drove me nuts. Danny’s loaded, man. He gives the uncles large sums of money all the time to support their ridiculous “business,” but he can’t buy his daughter some shoes that are obviously the only way she’ll ever be popular? DJ’s totally adheres to the strict commandments of whatever weird conservative religion they follow at the full house that makes them so corny and boring, and this is her reward?
The shoes are called, “Blow Outs,” which is an obvious reference to the Reebok Pump’s that were so popular at the time. Remember those, with the little basketball logo that you could squeeze to pump air into your shoes? Those shoes were fuckin’ baller, son!
So there’s just no fuckin’ way that Danny’s ever gonna pay for those shoes. DJ tells him that she got an offer to be a photographers assistant at the mall so she’ll work to pay for the shoes herself but then he’s all hesitant about letting her take the job. OK, so maybe I can actually understand why he wouldn’t want to pay for the shoes, but now he won’t even let her earn the money herself? Seriously, what’s Danny Tanner got against rad shoes? Finally, if for no other reason than to move the story forward, Danny agrees to let her take the job.
Rebecca Donaldson comes over to make wedding plans with Jesse and they rekindle an old argument that occurred several episodes ago about where they should get married. As soon as things start to really get heated they’re interrupted by Joey asking if he can borrow some money to buy stupid bullshit from the Home Shopping Network. I always wondered what kind of fucking idiot buys that junk, and now that I know the answer I’m not the least bit surprised. Anyway, Joey tries to help Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson resolve their conflict by inciting fantasy sequences about what their differing wedding plans will be like.
Jesse’s fantasy of a wedding in Nebraska has square dancing music playing while Rebecca Donaldson rides around on a tractor. Also, I’m pretty sure that we’re to assume that they’re brother and sister. Is this even an actual stereotype of Nebraska? I think Jesse’s thinking of Oklahoma or Kentucky or something.
Rebecca Donaldson’s Graceland wedding fantasy is equally absurd but at least it’s more well researched. Not much happens in it because I don’t think they had a proper set so they just stand in the gate of what we’re supposed to believe is Graceland and Jesse talks like Elvis until Rebecca Donaldson passes out.
The fantasies get everyone all riled up and there’s a heated argument until Joey suggests that they have their wedding in San Francisco because that’s where they both live. Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson are shamed into complying because once Joey steps in as the voice of reason you may as well just say fuck it. They thank Joey by giving him access to Jesse’s credit card and then they decide to get married on Valentine’s day, which is apparently only 6 weeks away. How’s that for planning?
So I guess DJ’s job is to dress up like Raggedy Anne and act like a fucking idiot in front of kids so they’ll smile while they’re having their picture taken. She tries to get this one kid to smile and he just looks at her disapprovingly and tells her that she’s not funny, which totally makes him the raddest kid ever. She finally wins him over by following his orders to walk and quack like a duck, which only makes me appreciate the kid more because he seems to really understand that the only time the Tanner’s are funny is when they’re being degraded and humiliated. They should let this kid direct an episode.
Kimmie Gibbler comes by to make fun of DJ’s lame job and to get her to hang out with some seedy looking boys she picked up at the mall. DJ says she can’t do anything fun because she has to work all the time and study for her science test so she can prove to her stingy ass dad that she’s responsible.
After a brief scene in which Michelle polices the dog’s behavior for politeness, DJ comes home and reveals that she got an “F” on her science test.
Michelle consoles DJ by telling her to take her elbows off the table. Kimmie Gibbler busts out a red pen and changes the “F” to the most unconvincing “A” you’ve ever seen in your life, which only upsets DJ more.
Throughout this exchange Michelle repeatedly interjects with scoldings about their conversational etiquette until DJ finally gets sick of it and picks her up and carries her out of the room. I got really excited by the possibility that DJ might throw her in the gutter or the fireplace or something but all she does is put her in the living room.
Danny comes by DJ’s job to photograph her in her degrading work outfit. As long as he’s making her feel like shit, he also asks to see her science test. For some reason she hands him the test without telling him that Kimmie Gibbler changed her grade and when he’s fooled by the phony “A” he gets all excited and keeps interrupting her to say how proud he is of her every time she tries to tell him what happened. Seriously, how many sitcom misunderstandings could have been easily avoided if people would just let each other finish their fucking sentences?
Stephanie prepares herself the dessert of a single Hostess cupcake on a plate and a glass of milk, which really creeps me out for some reason. I don’t know, I just think that’s what the children of the damned would eat for dessert. Michelle politely asks if she can have the cupcake and when Stephanie politely declines to give it to her, Michelle’s like, “politeness sucks my dick!” and steals it. And that, my friends, is the conclusion of the politeness monitor sub-plot.
Jesse sees DJ’s test on the refrigerator and identifies the modified grade. He convinces her to tell Danny and when she does he gets all pissed and tells her that she’s a big fuck up. He makes her quit her humiliating job and tells her that she should enjoy being a kid while she can. DJ agrees with his condescending bullshit and then declares that she’s going to put her first and only paycheck in the bank instead of spending it on awesome shoes.
So…wait? She never even gets the shoes? What was the point of any of that? All I learned is that kids in High School shouldn’t have jobs. Oh yeah, also, politeness is obnoxious and stealing is funny.